“Do I belong? Or am I fitting in?”

There is a distinction between fitting in and feeling belonged. Fitting in is not belonging. When we attempt to fit in, we are changing ourselves in order to be accepted. We might not be seen as who we really are and that might possibly be a deeply lonely experience.

I was part of a facilitator group for a loneliness dialogue attended by a group of working professionals from diverse backgrounds. When I listened to what were being shared, the conversations were interesting but not unexpected. Some shared reasons on why people felt lonely in their organizations:

• Leadership requires making hard decisions. Lack of empathy by team members intensifies the loneliness felt by leaders

• Addiction to achieving outcomes often meant people get caught in busyness. They stop listening and relating to one another

• Lack of common space and trust to dialogue about conflicting beliefs that run deep within the organization.

The list goes on.

The bottom line from the loneliness dialogue? People want to feel accepted and belonged.

Why do people feel lonely?

Perhaps we have been overdoing “fitting in” to the neglect of creating a sense of belonging. This is my hypothesis.

For some, the habit and practice of fitting in started from a young age. Fitting in to what parents want, fitting in to school rules, fitting in to find friends - we change ourselves to survive. And habits can be hard to change. Despite the deep yearnings to discover who we really are, many grew up struggling to answer the question of “who am I truly?”

In my personal observation as a professional coach, identity building work continues to be a territory that is under explored by many individuals. Many people define themselves through work. It is common to state our work title or role when we are asked to introduce ourselves. It is also common to observe people burying themselves deep at work to the neglect of self care.

What are the implications of overdoing “fitting in”?

In the workplace, this habit of trying to fit in, to gain approval from the boss, colleagues and the system, can undermine culture building work. There is often an expectation that when we make adjustments to fit in, we should be accepted. There must be reciprocity. Fear and anxiety are often the emotions that accompany these expectations. Unfortunately, what we often experienced instead are rejections. The results of these rejections meant the emotions turn from fear and anxiety towards that of disappointment, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Picture the emotional states of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, fear, anxiety etc, driven by the mindset to survive - this is often the context surrounding conversations in teams and organizations. This emotional context is invisible but it is tangible.

What can you do to make a difference?

Every individual can intervene into a large system. Change usually start from the small things. Here might be some possible ideas you can act on.
- Notice and pay attention to the emotional context in workplace conversations.
- Notice how you are participating in your workplace conversations and the mood you are bringing.
- Notice if you are intentionally building a supportive community within your organization.

STRONGER TOGETHER AS A NATION

Creating a sense of belonging is in essence an identity issue. It is an issue individuals and businesses need to address. It is also an issue that Singapore as a nation seeks to address.

Singapore’s narrative is essentially one of survival. Geo-political tension, climate change, terrorism etc…there is a long list of global challenges that impact Singapore. For a country with little natural resources, we need to be efficient and productive to survive. We must often adapt quickly to the global context. Yet at the same time, we need to build our own identity as a nation. We need to preserve our unique heritage. We need to create a place that Singaporeans feel proud to belong.

This juggling act is a huge tension.

Here’s an example to illustrate the tension.
Wet markets in Singapore forms a unique space where local communities are formed and a sense of belonging is created within the precinct. Wet markets are however viewed as inefficient. Supermarkets or hyper marts are increasingly flooding the heartlands. These supermarkets increase the efficiency and productivity of grocery shopping. No one stops to connect and build relationships in these supermarkets. One represents a culture created out of the desire to belong and form communities. The other represents a culture created out of a need to survive the global threats.

As more and more wet markets cease to exist, how do we preserve such a space where local communities are often formed and a sense of belonging is created? Do we continue to demolish these wet markets and replace them with supermarkets of high efficiency and productivity?

How CAN we AS SINGAPOREANS CONTRIBUTE?

We have built a narrative over the years - the survival mindset of “kiasu (fear of losing) and kiasi (fear of dying)”. That has served us well and allowed us to transform from a third world to a first world nation. It is perhaps a good time we build a new narrative - “stronger together” and complement the old.

These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive. We need to survive by creating a stronger sense of belonging. We need to be more intentional to be more relational, more inclusive and build communities wherever we go. We need to be more intentional to promote neighbourliness. We need to be more accepting and tolerant given the increasingly more fragmented society. The future generations will be shaped by how we survive and be stronger together.

When our perspectives expand, it is not lofty to suggest that as Singaporeans, we are well resourced and capable of finding solutions. On this note, I personally felt that the leaders of our nation have done a tremendous job in keeping this balance. The journey ahead however continues to be filled with uncertainties and challenges.

Moving forward to 2023 and beyond, may we be a nation that can strengthen our identity, build a greater sense of belonging and survive the global upheavals together.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.