The Hidden Cost of Not Knowing Your People: Why Strengths-Based Coaching Skills Transform How Leaders Develop Their Teams

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

Most managers are working harder than they need to, not because they lack skill, but because they are missing important data.

Every time a manager sits down with a team member to understand what drives them, what holds them back, what they need to thrive, they are starting from scratch. They ask questions. They observe. They make assumptions. They test those assumptions. They revise. And slowly, over months and sometimes years, they begin to develop a picture of the person in front of them.

This process is not wrong. But it is expensive. And in most organisations, it is happening informally, inconsistently, and far too slowly to make a real difference.

CliftonStrengths changes this entirely. And when a manager learns to use it as a coaching tool, the impact is transformative.

As a practitioner who have been training many leaders and managers to embody the coaching mindset and coaching skills, here are two reasons why I make this claim.

Reason 1: CliftonStrengths gives you a map of the person before the conversation even begins

In ontological coaching, there is a foundational concept called the observer. Every person observes the world through a unique lens, shaped by their history, their values, their recurring patterns of thought and emotion. Two people can sit in the same meeting, witness the same event, and walk away with completely different interpretations of what happened. Neither is wrong. They are simply different observers.

The challenge for any manager is this: you cannot coach what you cannot see. And understanding another person's observer - how they think, what they need, what triggers them, what energises them. This takes a great deal of time and intentionality to uncover.

CliftonStrengths accelerates this profoundly.

The 34 CliftonStrengths themes are not labels. They are a detailed map of a person's motivations, needs, emotional triggers, communication preferences, decision-making patterns, and blind spots.

An example: when a manager understands that a team member with the Harmony theme has a deep psychological aversion to conflict, he or she understands that the team member might say “Yes” to a decision not out of agreement but out of a compromise. When their inner world is genuinely disrupted when they detect conflicts, they can go quiet quickly. Knowing these details allow a manager to quickly check-in and make specific interventions when needed. A manager can also use this data specifically to have intentional developmental conversations with the team member.

This is the shift CliftonStrengths makes possible: from assumptions to insight. From generic questions to precise ones.

A manager who knows their team member's CliftonStrengths profile can walk into a conversation with a working hypothesis of what matters most to that person. What energises them. Where they are most likely to overextend. How they are likely to respond under pressure. What language will land, and what will fall flat.

The time this saves is significant. By a conservative estimate, a manager can easily save 15 to 20 hours of exploratory conversations, the kind that would otherwise be spent slowly piecing together an understanding of the person across months of interactions. CliftonStrengths compresses that learning curve and allows the manager to begin coaching at depth far sooner.

Reason 2: When work reviews are seen to be more job centric, adding CliftonStrengths to these conversations can make them more human-centric.

Here is the quiet problem with most performance conversations, work reviews, and developmental discussions: they mostly revolved around the job, not the person.

The agenda for work reviews are typically job-centric.
- What are the KPIs and are the performance targets met?
- What does the role require and does the job holder have clarity?
- What job competencies need to be developed?
- Where are the areas of improvements?

These are legitimate and necessary questions. And the way work reviews are structured often make people perceive that these conversations often focus entirely on the doing - the outputs, the behaviours, the deliverables.

What gets lost is the being.

In ontological coaching, we make a fundamental distinction between what a person does and who a person is being. Doings are the actions and results that are visible. Being is the inner state, the mood, the identity, the self-assessment, from which all action flows. A person can perform the same action from a place of confidence or from a place of fear, and the quality and sustainability of the result will be entirely different.

Most of the work conversations operate entirely at the level of doings. They diagnose what went wrong and prescribe what needs to change. They rarely ask the deeper question: who is this person being, and is that the root of what we are seeing in their performance?

CliftonStrengths has the power of restoring this balance (at least in my opinion).

When a manager brings CliftonStrengths into a work review, the conversation is no longer only about what was delivered. It becomes about who the person is, how their natural talents are showing up, and whether those talents are being channelled toward results or creating friction.

A performance gap that looked like a skill deficit often turns out to be a strength overused. A person with Responsibility burning out because they cannot say no. A person with Learner feeling disengaged because they have not been doing the same job repeatedly and have lost interest.

This reframe is not soft. It is precise. And it opens up a quality of conversation that job-centric reviews simply cannot reach.

When a team member feels seen as a person, not just evaluated as a performer, there is a stronger chance that trust deepens. Engagement also rises when the conversation becomes generative rather than transactional. And the development that follows is sustainable because it is rooted in who the person actually is, not a generic competency framework designed for a role.

What this looks like in practice

There is no need for ICF-level coaching skills. Managers don’t have to be CliftonStrengths certified. It is a fair concern that many might have and it is exactly what my Strengths-Based Coaching Skills programme is designed to address.

The tools and frameworks used in these conversations are practical, structured, and immediately applicable. They do not require years of coaching training. They require a manager who is willing to show up differently, with better questions, a strengths lens, and a simple framework to guide the conversation. A middle manager could pick a tool up and use it in a work review the following week, without needing a sophisticated coaching background or prior training.

The invitation

The gap in most organisations is not CliftonStrengths data.

Organizations require their managers to have the ability to use that data in conversations that actually develop people and genuinely unlock their team's potential.

Organizations now need to do that at scale and have all their managers becoming trained.

The Strengths-Based Coaching Skills program is designed to bridge these two gaps.

If you are ready to build this capability within your organisation, explore Strengths-Based Coaching Skills for Leaders or reach out to me directly.

Continue Reading — The CliftonStrengths Series:

• How to Use CliftonStrengths at Work: A Practical Guide

• CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains Explained

• 8 Reasons to Use CliftonStrengths for Team Building

Ready to take the CliftonStrengths assessment or explore your team’s results with a Gallup Platinum Certified Coach? Connect with me here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

How to Prepare for a Difficult Conversation at Work

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and Newfield Certified Ontological Coach.. Based in Singapore.

In my previous post, I wrote about the nine fears that make certain conversations feel almost impossible to begin. Fears around conflict, emotional outbursts, losing face, being misunderstood and the list goes on. The response from many of you reminded me that this topic cuts across industries, roles, and relationships.

But awareness alone does not move the needle. After the post, several readers wrote in asking the same follow-up question: “Now that I know what I’m afraid of… what do I actually do?”

So this post is the practical companion to that one. This is the “how to.”

I want to be clear about something before we begin: preparing well does not mean you will not feel the fear. You probably will. But preparation changes your relationship to the fear. Instead of the fear running you, you are running the conversation, at least at the start.

Here are seven things I have seen make a real difference, both from my own coaching experience and from the work of leaders, managers, and individuals I have had the privilege of walking alongside.

1. Name Your Fear First

This is where every difficult conversation must begin, not with the words you will say, but with the fear beneath the words.

Go back to my previous post on Difficult Conversations. Which of the nine fears resonated most with you? Is it the fear of damaging the relationship? The fear of an emotional outburst? The fear of your own shortcomings being exposed?

I coached a senior manager named Raymond (not his real name), who kept delaying a performance conversation with one of his team members. He told me he did not know how to start. But when we explored it together, the real issue was the fear of emotional outbursts. He has seen his own pattern of freezing whenever he does not know how to react to people’s emotions. That really scares him. He is fearful of what happens if the team member breaks down or becomes angry.

Naming that fear did not dissolve it. But it gave Raymond something to work with. Instead of going in blind, he now had something specific to manage.

“We can only intervene effectively when we can see clearly.”

2. Clarify Your Intention

Before you decide what to say, ask yourself a harder question: Why do I want to have this conversation?

This might sound obvious, but in my experience, many people walk into difficult conversations carrying a hidden agenda, sometimes without realising it. They say they want to “clear the air,” but what they really want is to be vindicated. They say they want to “give feedback,” but what they really want is to express their frustration.

There is nothing inherently wrong with those underlying feelings. They are human. But if our intention is unclear even to ourselves, the conversation will almost certainly go sideways.

Ask yourself: What is the outcome I genuinely hope for after this conversation? What might a good result look like for both of us?

When your intention shifts from “I need to say this” to “I want us to reach a better place together,” something changes in the quality of how you show up. The other person feels it, even when they cannot name it.

3. Separate the Facts from Your Story

This is one of the most important distinctions in any difficult conversation, and it is one I often spend time with in my coaching sessions.

Here is what I mean. Imagine a team member being late for the last 3 team meetings despite being asked to be on time. That is the fact. But inside your head, the story might sound something like: “He doesn’t respect our time,” or “He cannot be bothered and he is actively disengaged.” Those are your interpretations, the meaning your mind has made of the data.

When we enter a difficult conversation armed with our stories rather than the facts, we often cause the very reaction we were afraid of. We come in defensive, accusatory, or closed. Usually, when we show up this way, the other person responds in kind.

Prepare by writing down two columns. On the left: What I observed. On the right: What I made it mean. Then ask yourself honestly: Why did I have these interpretations? What might be other possible interpretations? What else could explain the same facts?

This is about giving people the benefit of the doubt and learning to be open. It is about entering the conversation with enough humility to stay curious.

4. Choose the Right Time and Space

I have seen well-prepared conversations fail simply because of poor timing. A good exchange in the wrong context rarely land well.

A conversation about performance does not belong in the hallway between meetings. A conversation about a breach of trust does not belong in the cafeteria over lunch. Sensitive conversations need a setting where the other person feels safe enough to actually hear what you are saying.

I coached an individual, Serene, who finally worked up the courage to address a recurring conflict with her peer. However, she chose to raise it in the middle of a team debrief, with four other colleagues present. Her peer shut down immediately. What could have been a productive conversation became a public confrontation. She thought she finally gave herself permission and courage to raise the issue. While that was a win, she shared that she would have preferred to resolve the conflict and improve the realtionship.

Ask yourself: Where and when will this person be most able to receive what I have to say? Give them enough notice to mentally prepare. Ask gently “Can we find an hour this week to talk privately about something that’s been on my mind?” This action itself already signals respect. It also gives you time to prepare properly.

5. Manage Your Own Emotional State Before You Begin

This one is underestimated. And I say this as someone who has made the mistake of walking into an important conversation still carrying the heat of a previous frustration.

If you are anxious, resentful, or emotionally flooded when the conversation starts, your body will communicate that before your words do. The other person will pick it up. Their nervous system will respond to yours. And suddenly the conversation is happening on an emotional battlefield before a single word has landed.

This does not mean you need to feel calm in order to have the conversation. It means you need to have a basic handle on your internal state.

What helps differs from person to person. For some, it is a short walk. For others, it is writing out their thoughts beforehand. For some leaders I coach, it is a five-minute breathing practice. The point is to create enough internal space so that you can be responsive in the conversation rather than reactive.

Ask yourself before you begin: Am I in a state right now where I can listen as well as speak?

6. Decide Upfront: What Am I Willing to Hear and What do I Need?

This is the preparation step that most people skip. And it is often the one that determines whether the conversation creates genuine change or simply passes the ball from one court to another.

Before you walk in, ask yourself:
- Am I prepared for the possibility that they may have a completely different experience of this situation?
- Am I open to the idea that I may have contributed to the problem?
- What do I need the other person to be or to do right from the start?

Estelle, whom I coached, eventually did have the conversation with her director. But she told me afterwards that the thing she had not prepared for was his feedback. She failed to see that after expressing her concerns, her director also felt in fairness, that he needed to express his concerns too. She had not seen that coming and was unprepared to receive the feedback.

Because she had not prepared herself to receive difficult feedback, she left the conversation feeling more frustrated than when she went in. She acknowledged during our coaching that the conversation went poorly because she had only prepared to give and not to receive.

The most productive difficult conversations are not monologues. They are exchanges. Prepare to speak. But also prepare to listen to something that might surprise you.

7. Prepare Your Opening and Then Let Go of the Script

Finally, I am a firm believer in preparing and set up the conversation.

In ontological distinctions, this is what we call “creating the context”. Some call this “setting up the container”. The basic idea is to set up invisible conditions that will enhance the effectiveness of the conversation. The way we enter a conversation often determines its entire trajectory.

A good opening and set up does a few things:
- It names the purpose of the conversation,
- It clarifies your intention,
- It invites the other person into a common (but invisible) space.
- It includes specific requests that will aid the conversation.

An example of setting a context looks like this:

“Annie, I’ve been thinking a lot about something I want to talk through with you. It’s very important to me, and I want us to be able to work through it together.”

“What I am struggling with is that I might be unable to be clear in my thoughts and end up creating a misunderstanding. I am afraid sharing might end up having the opposite effect. But even though I am struggling, I believe our friendship has been built on being honest with each other. I really care about our relationship and this trust that we have with each other.”

“My request to you is that you can listen beyond my words and see my intentions. Even when you feel uncomfortable during any point of my sharing, I hope you can let me finish what I want to say before asking any questions to clarify.”

“There’s something I’ve been noticing that I haven’t raised yet, and I think it’s affecting our relationship and that bothers me. Can I have permission to share my honest thoughts and concerns with you?”

After preparing the script and possibly writing it down, you can prepare by verbalizing and practicing in front of the mirror.

The final advice after preparation is critical: Now, let go of the script.

Scripted conversations often feel stifling and make the other person feel more guarded. They leave no room for the other person to actually be a participant.

Prepare your opening. Then be present for everything that follows.

Before You Begin

None of these steps will make the conversation easy. I want to be honest about that. There are conversations that will still be hard no matter how well you have prepared. The trembling voice, the racing heart,  they may still show up.

But preparation changes what you are walking into.

Instead of walking into a minefield, you are walking into a conversation you have taken seriously enough to prepare for. That is already a form of courage.

I often remind the leaders and individuals I coach: the conversations we keep avoiding do not disappear. They just compound interest.

The conflict that is not addressed today becomes the resentment that shapes us tomorrow. The underperformance conversation that is delayed becomes the resignation letter that catches you off guard. The unspoken tension in a marriage becomes the distance that neither partner knows how to name.

Difficult conversations are a form of care.

The key meaning of any difficult conversation is this: this relationship, this person really matters to me. I actually care so deeply that my felt emotions are the evidence.

And therefore the conversation is worth preparing for.

Continue Reading — The Communication Series:

• What Makes Difficult Conversations Difficult?

• How Shame Shows Up in the Workplace

• Listening Through Our Mood

• Listening Through Our Five Senses

• A Manager's Guide to Emotions and Conversations at Work

Want support navigating difficult conversations in your team or leadership? Enquire about 1-1 coaching with Victor here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

CliftonStrengths vs StrengthsFinder: What’s the Difference? A Singapore Coach Explains

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

If you have been searching for a strengths assessment in Singapore, you have probably come across two names — StrengthsFinder and CliftonStrengths.

And if you are like most people I meet in my workshops and coaching sessions, you have been using both terms interchangeably. Many though are not quite sure if they refer to the same thing.

Let me clear this up for you right now: they are the same assessment.

One is the old name. The other is the new name. But there is an important story behind the rename and perhaps understanding it will help you appreciate what this tool is truly about.

This is really one of the most common questions I get asked, especially from HR professionals and leaders here in Singapore who are exploring the tool for the first time.

The Story Behind the Name Change

The assessment was originally created by educational psychologist Don Clifton, who spent decades researching what happens when people focus on what is right with them rather than what is wrong. His research asked a deceptively simple question: “What would happen if we studied what was right with people?”

In the 1990s, Gallup built on his work and launched the assessment commercially as StrengthsFinder. The accompanying book, Now, Discover Your Strengths, became a global bestseller, and the name StrengthsFinder stuck. For years, professionals across Singapore and Asia signed up to take the “StrengthsFinder test” and discover their “top 5 StrengthsFinder themes.”

Then in 2015, Gallup renamed the assessment to CliftonStrengths — a tribute to Don Clifton, who passed away in 2003 and was posthumously named the “Father of Strengths-Based Psychology” by the American Psychological Association. The rename was a deliberate act of honour and recognition.

So when someone in Singapore tells you they “did StrengthsFinder” or “got their CliftonStrengths results”, they are referring to the exact same Gallup assessment. The tool, the methodology, the science, they are all the same. Only the name has changed.

What the Assessment Actually Measures

Here is where I want to take a moment to address a common misconception. Many people assume CliftonStrengths is a personality test. It is not. And that distinction matters a great deal.

CliftonStrengths measures talent themes. These are your natural patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving. These are the recurring ways in which you instinctively respond to the world. The assessment identifies your dominant themes from a library of 34 talent themes, each representing a different kind of human potential.

These 34 themes are also grouped into four leadership domains:

Executing -Talent themes like Achiever, Discipline, and Responsibility. These are the people who make things happen.

Influencing -Talent themes like Activator, Command, and Communication. These are the ones who love to rally others and push boundaries.

Relationship Building - Talent themes like Empathy, Developer, and Relator. These are the connectors who hold teams and families together.

Strategic Thinking - Talent themes like Analytical, Futuristic, and Strategic. These are the ones who love to think, analyze, ideate and consider what could be.

When you complete the online assessment, the assessment creates a ranked list of all 34 themes for you.

If you buy the Top 5 profile, the result will hide the 6-34 ranking and instead only show you your top 5 talents. The Top 5 Profile is the most accessible entry point based on cost. If you buy the full 34 profile, Gallup will show you the ranked list of all 34 themes.

Most people start by focusing on their Top 5, which provide the most accessible entry point. The Top 5 profile is recommended for one-off Team Building session and when budget is a constraint.

When I work with clients who are intentional for long term team or leadership development, I always encourage them to unlock all 34. Knowing the lesser themes helps us understand our blind spots and manage ourselves more intentionally and effectively. For married couples, I will always recommend unlocking the 34 profile.

One thing I often emphasise: your talent themes are not your skills or your knowledge. They are your natural wiring. The goal of CliftonStrengths coaching is to help you invest in those natural talents so that they develop into genuine, productive strengths.

How I Use CliftonStrengths in Coaching

I have been facilitating CliftonStrengths workshops and coaching individuals in Singapore and across Asia for many years. Let me share three examples of how this tool shows up in real coaching conversations.

Example 1: The Leader Who Was Frustrated With His Team

A senior manager came to me because he felt his team was unresponsive and disengaged. He had Activator, Command, and Strategic in his top themes (similar to me!), a combination that drives fast, decisive action. His team, on the other hand, was dominated by Deliberative, Consistency, and Responsibility themes.

What felt like “slow and resistant” to him was actually his team’s natural need for thoroughness and reliability. Once we explored this dynamic together through the CliftonStrengths lens, his frustration gave way to curiosity. He started leading differently. He intentionally give his team more lead time to process decisions, and autonomy. In return, the team began to trust his direction more readily.

Example 2: The Professional Who Doubted Her Own Value

I once coached a woman in Singapore whose top 5 themes were entirely in the Relationship Building domain. She came to me feeling that her strengths were “not the kind that get noticed at work.” She compared herself unfavourably to colleagues with Analytical or Strategic themes.

Through our coaching conversations, she began to see how her Empathy and Developer themes had quietly shaped her team’s morale and retention. Her manager confirmed this in a 360 feedback session. She had been the invisible glue holding the team together, and the CliftonStrengths framework gave her a language to own that contribution with confidence.

Example 3: The Couple Who Could Not Stop Arguing About Chores

Not all my CliftonStrengths work happens in a corporate setting. I also run programmes for couples. One couple came to me stuck in a recurring conflict around household responsibilities. The husband had Adaptability as a top theme, had many relational talents and his first executing talent was ranked at 16. He was often seen to operate without a plan. In contrast, the wife had Responsibility and Discipline high up. The constant frustration was his lack of attention to chores till when piled up. She often perceived him to be passive and does not have ownership over household responsibilities. The accumulation of many small disagreements adds up to a huge breach of trust to her.

Understanding each other’s themes did not resolve the tension overnight. But it gave them a shared vocabulary that replaced blame with curiosity. Instead of “Why do you like to wait till the last minute?”, the conversation became “I now know that you love responding to a change in situation and to attend to needs in the moment.” That shift alone was transformative.

Who Should Consider Taking the CliftonStrengths Assessment?

I am often asked: “Is CliftonStrengths for me?” Here is my honest take.

CliftonStrengths is particularly valuable if you are at a career crossroads. This could mean you are stepping into a new leadership role, navigating a job transition, or trying to figure out what kind of work energises you versus drains you.

It is also powerful if you are a people manager who wants to lead your team with greater intentionality. Understanding the collective talents of your team helps you delegate smarter, resolve conflicts earlier, and build a culture where people feel genuinely seen.

Couples have found it equally transformative. When the people you live with understand each other’s dominant themes, everyday friction often softens into understanding.

However, I want to be honest about one thing: the assessment alone will not change anything. It is just the beginning of the conversation. The real value emerges through honest conversations using the Strengths data, ongoing reflections, and the consistent practice of applying your talents with awareness.

I have seen too many people take the assessment, read the report once, and put it away. That is not how this works.

If you are the kind of person who is genuinely curious about yourself and committed to doing the inner work, CliftonStrengths can be one of the most useful tools you will ever encounter.

Ready to Explore Your Strengths?

If you are keen to explore what your CliftonStrengths results mean for your work, leadership, or relationships, I would love to work with you.

I offer 1-1 CliftonStrengths Coaching for individuals and leaders who want a deeper, more personalised experience of the tool. I also run CliftonStrengths Workshops for teams and organisations looking to build a strengths-based culture.

Whether you are completely new to CliftonStrengths or have done it before and want to finally make sense of your results, please reach out and let’s have a conversation.

Continue Reading — The CliftonStrengths Series:

• How to Use CliftonStrengths at Work: A Practical Guide

• CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains Explained

• 8 Reasons to Use CliftonStrengths for Team Building

Ready to take the CliftonStrengths assessment and explore your results with a Gallup Platninum Certified Coach? Enquire here.

Written by Victor Seet

Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

Musings About Ontological Coaching by a Singapore Coach

What is Ontological Coaching? A Complete Guide by a Singapore Practitioner
By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore. Updated 2026

Ontological coaching is one of the most powerful and least understood approaches in professional coaching today. Unlike skills-based or problem-based coaching, ontological coaching works at the level of being - how a person observes the world, how they hold themselves in their body, and how their language and emotions shape what is possible for them. This guide explains what ontological coaching is, how it differs from other coaching approaches, and what it looks like in practice - written by a Singapore-based coach trained and certified by Newfield Network, one of the world's leading ontological coaching institutions.

*This was first published in March 2021 and re-written for greater clarity.

When I was introduced to the ontological approach for intra-personal and interpersonal work, I found it very fascinating. I decided to deep-dive into this area. I am writing to share what I have learned and the impact I have experienced. I’m writing as a learner rather than an expert in this field.

You might be thinking: So what is Ontological Coaching?

It is a coaching approach rooted in “Ontology, the study of being.” This approach focuses on exploring how people function and make decisions, how people learn and adapt, and how people show up in different areas of their lives.

At the heart of the ontological approach lies two key ideas:

(1) The Concerned Observer
An individual (known in the field of ontological coaching as “the Observer”) sees, perceives and relates to the world in a very unique way that differs from others. A key word to summarize the uniqueness of each individual is “concern”. Each individual is a “Concerned Observer” and interprets and relates to the world based on his concerns. The interpretations will then lead the individual to a range of possibilities of action to achieve his desired results (relationships, work, finances, health, religion, etc).

(2) An Integrated Way of Being - Language, Emotions and Body
The Observer can be understood by examining three domains in an integrated manner – LANGUAGE, MOOD OR EMOTIONS, and BODY. The ontological approach not only addresses the importance of all three areas, it emphasizes the integration of all three domains to achieve sustainable or deep change. A person’s “Way of Being” is this dynamic interplay between the three domains that actively shapes perception and behaviour.
An ontological coach works with clients to examine their language (inner and expressed thoughts, stories, mindsets, beliefs), recurring emotions and moods, and their body (dispositions, breathing, fitness, health, flexibility). Given that many individuals have their “Way of Being” in a fragmented form, the very act of integrating the three domains often generate new results that can be transformational.

How is ontological coaching different from other approaches?

Here are some differences from my limited knowledge:

(1) First the WHO, then the WHAT
There are coaching approaches helping people develop new strategies, new skills, or new forms of communication. The ontological coaching approach is particularly interested in what’s happening in people’s perceptions and attitudes and how that affects the way people use their new skills and strategies. Borrowing the phrase from Stephen Covey, the ontological approach focuses on the Who before diving into the What.

For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

The ontological approach suggests that when we don’t address deep-seated perceptions and attitudes (WHO), we will miss out on massive opportunities to help people grow in their effectiveness (WHAT).For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

(2) First the WHO, then the WHY

In his book Start with Why, Simon Sinek taught us to ask why to seek out the purpose and meaning of what we do. However, having breakthroughs will require us to think differently. Have you had any of these thoughts before?

- Why do I struggle to trust this person?

- Why do I no longer feel excited about hitting my targets?

- Why do I lack confidence despite achieving consistently good results?

- Why did I put back the weight I worked so hard to lose?

- Why do I often feel that I am not being heard?

When we ask "Why" without working on the “Who”, we often do not see breakthrough results.

We assume we can generate breakthrough results using the same operating system. However, we keep seeing the same things and forming the same stories inside our heads. We make decisions “more or less” the same way.

When the operating system remains the same, any upgrading will eventually hit a limit. Even if there are breakthrough results, they do not sustain over some time.

Borrowing the words from James Clear (author of Atomic Habits):
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

Ontological coaching addresses the “who” by helping clients examine their existing system. This system is the dynamic interplay between the three domains. Ontological coaching explicitly focus on the “Way of being” to help clients upgrade to a stronger operating system.

(3) Not a Psychological Approach to Coaching
Unlike other approaches to coaching, ontological coaching does not have a psychological basis. An ontological approach to coaching is grounded in philosophy and the biology of cognition. Compared to other coaching traditions such as the cognitive-behavioural approach, ontological coaching is not based on the concept of mind but explicitly on the concept of Way of Being.

Many approaches are rooted in Descartes's concept of being human - 'I think, therefore I am'.

From an ontological perspective, human cognition is more than thinking. To consider humans only as thinking beings runs the risk of over-focusing on the domain of language and not explicitly attending to the equally important domains of emotions and body to facilitate change. Ontological coaching's methodology is unique in the explicit integration of language, emotions and body.

What’s the relevance of Ontological Coaching for organizations?

Ontological Coaching can be relevant to organizations and individuals in several ways:

(1) Ontological Coaching is a personal change methodology.
In the 1-1 coaching work, the coachees receive support in examining emotional habits and patterns, patterns that show up in the body as well as thought patterns. In exploring deeper concerns through uncovering these patterns, the potential breakthroughs experienced by individuals often bring deep and sustainable change. When individuals are transformed, team and organizational cultures will also be transformed. Apart from managers and employees, ontological coaching is powerful for anyone who might be involved in work that supports others (leaders, managers, parents, mentors, teachers, social workers, pastors, religious workers, etc).

(2) Ontological Coaching helps leaders do their Self-Work
Adding to the first point, ontological coaching is especially powerful for leaders in the organization. Though there are many offerings of leadership skills, lessons, tips, and strategies in the world, the distinctive belief is that leaders can only truly DO leadership from their way of BEING. If the leaders aren’t aware of what’s happening within them and do their self-work, the quality of their leadership and their influencing capacity will be compromised. The effectiveness of their leadership decisions and communication becomes limited and that has a great impact on the business results of an organization.

(3) The Ontological Approach is part of an Organizational Development (OD) Process
The ontological approach provides a lens that explores how organizations function. While it is often said that people are the most valuable resource and organizations run through people, the ontological approach suggests that it’s the interaction and conversations between people that make an organization tick. The ontological approach provides a very solid methodology and process to examine how leaders and employees are relating and interacting with others. The process empowers individuals to self-monitor and self-adjust the quality of their conversations. 

On top of empowering individuals, the ontological process empowers teams in examining the kind of conversations that are taking place or missing (conversations of trust, decision-making, accountability, moods, etc). Ineffective conversations continually cause a waste of time, effort, and energy and stifle creativity and innovation. The ontological approach provides leaders and employees with a detailed set of tools to pay attention to the way they are engaging in conversations.

Conclusion: A Personal Story - how the ontological approach has helped me:

As an individual, I listened primarily to what people said and the words they used (language). I rarely pay any attention to my body and emotions (as well as those of others) when I communicate.

In short, my “Way of Being” is fragmented rather than integrated. And I was not conscious of it.

As a parent to three kids, when I realized “language” was the last domain to develop in young children, I saw a gap in how I was communicating effectively with them. My fragmented “Way of Being” shows up in my default communication with my kids. I noticed that my words did not have the desired results when I communicate.

I started to explore how I could communicate with my kids using body, emotions, and language in a more integrated way. I started to give hugs and massages, scratch their backs, and hold their hands more intentionally. I committed to playing with them and being fully present. As I engage my kids in a more integrated manner, I notice my relationship with them has grown tremendously. I also noticed that this shift towards a new “Way of Being” has created a deep shift within my inner life. My kids have been responding to me more affectionately ever since this shift.

I also discovered that when I change my behavior without getting a sense of the kind of person I am (WHO), then under stress, I’ll revert to behaviors that I am conditioned in. This was my blind spot. I have been addressing the WHAT without addressing the WHO.

One of the discoveries I made while learning the ontological approach: for years, I lived with a subconscious belief that I am a bad listener. To improve my listening, I got myself equipped with deep listening skills, went for active listening courses, read Stephen Covey’s book, and learned many great principles. Unfortunately, I found change hard to sustain.

Under stress at work or home, I will revert to my usual behavior of dominating a conversation and seeking to convince others through my speech. I was unaware of my emotional habits and body patterns (how I show up to others). For those who understand the CliftonStrengths language, I have Communication, Command, Self-Assurance as my dominant themes. I have often been perceived as one who is domineering, high “D” or Alpha.

Through the ontological approach, I discovered a significant difference between “being a listener” and “listening as an action”. I explored new ways of being as a “listener”. I started learning to listen through my body and emotions. I also uncovered the body and emotional patterns that are deeply intertwined with my old behaviors.

As I learn to embrace a new way to listen, I started building new emotional habits and new body dispositions, The integrated approach to being a listener was transformational (for me).

I now feel happy listening to others (I honestly could not imagine my old self saying this). I am now comfortable with silence. I saw improvement in my relationships, especially with my wife and children. As I experienced a sustained change within me, this transformation also ignited a new passion.

I’m proud to say, I am now a certified ontological coach.

Continue Reading — The Ontological Coaching Series:

• Ontological Coaching vs CBT: Key Differences Explained

• Have You Heard of a Commitment to a Mood?

• Working with Emotions in Coaching

• The Power of Naming an Emotion

Interested in experiencing ontological coaching firsthand? To explore 1-1 ontological coaching, enquire here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

A Type of Grief that Few Talks About

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

*This article is written based on real coaching narratives, re-written from a first person view. The goal is to help readers see themselves through the stories and examples.

Have you had some who used to be really close friends but no longer?

I have and it was hard letting go.

The loyalty is real and so is the suffering. I love these people. The memories of the intimate and shared moments continue to fill my mind but dwelling in these memories pulls me into a depressing and lonely space. The grief of growing apart, without a fight, without a reason can be one of the loneliest feelings in adult life.

Maybe we have some commonalities. We still love these friends. And that’s why it’s confusing. We wish they can reach out. We wish to reconnect. We wish somehow the old times can be lived again.

Not sure about you, I do think about these friendships randomly once in a while. I remember the trips together, the hanging out, the inside jokes. In certain seasons, these friends would be the first ones I’ll call when anything happened, good or bad.

Often, I wonder if I should reach out. When I do, there's a strange awkwardness. Not sure if conversations would be natural or it would take much effort. Not sure how the meetup would be if there is a reconnect. 

It is a type of grief that I feel that few talks about.

We have language for breakups. We have language for losing someone to death. We even have language for toxic friendships that needed to end. But growing apart from someone I once was closed to, with no reason I can point to (except to say “life happens”), no villain in the story, I am not aware of any closure ritual for that. 

No funeral. No official ending. There’s just a quiet, lingering loss that we carry around like background noise. The noise is always there but never loud enough to address.

In Singapore, where everyone is busy, where the default answer to "how are you?" is "okay lah, surviving," I wonder if others experience this kind of loneliness?

We are grieving friendships from ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, even thirty years ago that technically (some still exists on WhatsApp). The last message was many years back. 

Think back at the friend who knew you in your JC, poly or university days. You were figuring life out, staying out late just because you could. They may not recognise the version of you now, busy at work, juggling work, managing a household, caregiving for your aged parents, dealing with teenager kids issues and a completely different set of fears. And you may not recognise them either.

Here's what few want to admit: people grow and change as a result of life circumstances. Priorities change. Responsibilites increased. Dreams are cast aside. 

That's life doing what life does.

But loyalty is a powerful thing. Especially for people who don't give trust easily. When you've let someone in deeply, you don't just switch that off. So you held on to the friendship. Except that it is not to the person as they are now, but to the person you knew then. To the friendship that once held you together.

And that holding on, as loving as it is, trap us in a grief that has nowhere to go.

And the most challenging part is we can't even be angry.

Anger might perhaps be helpful as Anger tends to have a direction. But this is just sadness with no address. We are missing our friends who are still alive and some might from the outside, looked like they are living their best life. Somehow that makes it worse, not better.

We don't want to be dramatic about it. No one would send a text out of nowhere saying “I miss our old times.” That just sounds weird. So we keep the grief folded neatly inside us, and we move on with our lives. 

We do it the Singaporean way. Tahan and carry on.

So what now?

Maybe we can acknowledge that the grief we feel is proportional to the love and friendship that was real. We don't mourn mediocre friendships. We mourn the ones that actually meant something. 

That feeling we might be trying to deal with? It's not a sign that something is wrong with us. It's a sign that we are someone who loved well. And perhaps redirecting the energy by asking “who else in this season can we also extend this love to?”

So the invitation here is learning to let go of the version of the friendship that can no longer exist.  Honor what it was. The friendship still counts. It shaped us to become who we are. We don't have to pretend we are fine as well. We don't have to rush to "acceptance." We are allowed to grieve something that has no formal ending.

And my hope is this article names a type of grief that is lesser talked about and provides us legitimacy to express and process our thoughts and feelings.

Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:

• When Growth Becomes a Silent Fault Line in Marriage

• The Wall of Emotions

• What's Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

Read Victor's personal story of transformation — from shame to courage.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

When Growth Becomes a Silent Fault Line in Marriage

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

“I still feel judged despite growth.”

Few sentences land with as much quiet force as this one for married couples. This is one of the most quietly painful human experiences. And it’s far more common than we admit.

When I hear this statement shared, I don’t hear accusation. Instead,
I hear grief.
I hear longing.
I hear someone naming, often for the first time, a deep rupture in the marriage.

What’s especially painful is that many people feel they are never allowed to say this to their spouse. The deep internal struggle is not knowing how to say it without making the other person feel “bad”. And so it remains unspoken.

The Deeper Issue Is Not “Growth”. It’s Relatedness.
“I am no longer the same person when we first got married.” But why do I still feel like I am being judged the same way?

From an ontological perspective, the core issue is rarely about one person “growing” and the other “not.”

The real breakdown happens because: the relationship is still organised around an earlier version of that person.

While we feel we have changed (values, boundaries, character traits), the existing relational agreements with the spouse and expectations remain intact. This creates a deep crack.

Because human relationships don’t just operate on behavior or roles. They revolve around expectations we have of each other. 

This is a developmental tension. The core tension experienced is that the growth happens without recognition and acknowledgement. It’s the feeling of being judged because of past mistakes and failures. Inner change does not automatically update relational reality.

When couples fail to recognise this, the experience often becomes:

 • I feel alone even though I’m married.
 • I feel unseen in who I am becoming.
 • I don’t know how to invite you into my inner world anymore.

This is how emotional distance forms, not suddenly, but quietly.

Why does this feel So Lonely?

Marriage is not only a commitment of love; it is a promise of shared meaning.

When meaning diverges, when the values, priorities, internal narratives shift, the loneliness can be profound because:

• you are grieving togetherness while still being together,
• you are changing without the other validating nor acknowledging,
• you are carrying a future that no longer fits the present structure of the relationship.

Some say in marriage, Two becomes ONE.
But as time passes, the two no longer seemed to be ONE.
Many people sense this but lack the language to name it. Without language, clarity collapses into blame or silence.

My Story: The Hardest Step was naming the state of our relationship truthfully

In my own marriage, we did not reach a dramatic crisis point. The “D” word was not mentioned.

But many years ago, something far more dangerous was present: drift.

What changed everything was not technique. It was courage.

The hardest step was acknowledging the state of our marriage honestly.

Only when the current state is named can a new future be created. Ontologically, this is foundational: you cannot transform what you refuse to see.

Growth Together Is a Choice and not an Accident.

What followed was not quick or easy. It required humility, investment, and structure.

We chose to:

• Seek professional help through marriage counseling, even though on the outside, we were seemingly “okay”
• Forgive repeatedly.
• Protect and guard sacred time together fiercely
• Commit to individual growth without weaponising it against each other
• Rebuild oneness intentionally, one small step at a time.

Marriage Breakdown Is Preventable. But it takes Hard Work

One of the most painful truths I’ve learned through the years: by the time many marriages “break,” they have already been lonely for a long time. So my plea to readers who might be experiencing “drift”,

Don’t wait until resentment hardens into identity.
Don’t wait until distance becomes normal.
Don’t wait until the cost of repair feels unbearable.

Today, I’m deeply grateful that our marriage is stronger, more honest, and more alive than it was before. I am honestly thankful to God for His grace and mercy. Without supernatural intervention, I’m convinced human effort is simply not enough.

That journey eventually led my wife and I to train and serve as marriage mentors ourselves. We remembered the pain. Empathy is something we gained from lived transformation.

A Final Reflection

If this thought has crossed your mind: “The person I married stopped growing”, I invite you to pause before judging it.

This thought of yours may not be a verdict. It may be an invitation.

An invitation to:

• name what has shifted,
• re-examine how your marriage is currently organised,
• and decide (with courage) whether you will grow past each other or with each other.

Clarity, when handled with care, is not destructive. It is the beginning of renewal.

Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:

• The Wall of Emotions

• Using CliftonStrengths to Strengthen Your Marriage

• A Type of Grief That Few Talk About

Read Victor's personal story of marriage renewal and transformation here.

Interested in couple coaching? Learn about Victor's Couple Programs here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

The Wall of Emotions

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

Someone once said to me many years ago:

“Victor, you have been married for 12 years right? If you don’t tear down the wall that stopped you from engaging emotionally, your marriage might not last 20 (years).”

We are emotional beings long before we are logical ones. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame - these live in our bodies like weather systems. But somewhere along my own journey, I’ve learnt how not to feel, but to manage. I’ve learnt how not to express, but to understand emotions from a safe distance. I learn to talk about emotions without ever really sitting in them. And so, brick by brick, I built the Wall.

The Wall of Emotions isn’t loud. It’s quiet and functional. It lets me perform, lead, show up, even love (to a certain extent). Others feel my love by what I do for them. In CliftonStrengths language, I am an Activator and I’m a Achiever. I am fast to act and I believe that others feel my love by what I do for them.

But this wall has a way to stop me from going deeper in connecting with others. I often talk about stress but never could name the loneliness under it. I might name the sadness, but I never cry in public. The Wall protects me, and I never knew that it also isolates me. I have often felt lonely even when I am constantly surrounded by people.

In one of my earlier vocation as a pastoral worker, I had to deal often with crisis. I have dealt with multiple suicides. I have gone to the mortuary many times to identify and collect dead bodies. I have conducted many funerals. I have many conversations with people who have experienced abuse. I have been inside rooms where individuals are wailing in sorrow. Yet, I have the ability to appear unflinched. This Wall doesn’t look like avoidance. It can look like strength, competence, even leadership. Often in crisis, I am calm and collected. 

I have led many teams with this wall. I can give advice while staying emotionally unreachable. This wall has kept me safe and has helped me perform my duties well (or at least in my own assessment).

Back to the feedback: 
I was taken aback but not shocked.
I wasn’t offended.
I saw certain truth in the comment.

I had some consistent feedback over the years - I often appeared intimidating. Sometimes I come across as cold and emotionless. There seems to be a need to look strong and put together. 

The Wall was my coping mechanism. 

I became curious. I explored what the wall is about. I looked at how the wall has served me and how it has limited me. I realized what has served me over the years is no longer serving me.

I also realized that my CliftonStrengths themes can be just as powerful without this wall. I do not have to be limited by assessments that others have made. An Activator loves being fast and I can also choose patience. Self-Assurance shows up as confident and I can choose vulnerability. Command can be courageous and I can choose tenderness. Strategic can be efficient and I can choose patience. It’s about what I choose and how I expand.

Fast forward to today, the brick wall has become more like a partition. Breaking down my wall has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have suffered a lot of discomfort and have reaped a lot of rewards. I have moved from being stoic to become more empathetic. I can now confidently say I am more able to be able to sit in the discomfort of my emotions.

The invitation here isn’t to become emotional in a dramatic or performative way. 

It’s to feel, really feel, what’s under the surface, and allow others to witness it. Not conceptually but in practice. It might be awkward, raw, unfamiliar. But this is how the Wall begins to crack, to un-thaw, to dissolve. Not all at once—but slowly and courageously. 

Emotionally honest presence is not weakness. It is perhaps the rarest and most powerful kind of strength.

Have you wondered “what might be possible if you start to take down the wall?”

Related Reading:

• What's Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

• When Growth Becomes a Silent Fault Line in Marriage

• A Type of Grief That Few Talk About

Explore how CliftonStrengths can strengthen your relationship. Learn about Victor's Couple Programs here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

What’s Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

This quote by author Charles Feltman resonates very deeply with me. Often when I read this statement, I feel that it’s asking me to pause and look beneath the surface. It sets me thinking:

What do I risk when I trust another?

I have experienced betrayal by friends. I have been cheated of my money. There are certain deep emotional hurts or baggages we carry after experiencing broken trust.

Each of us have our stories.

Increasingly, I am discovering that trust isn’t about giving someone else my wallet, house keys, the password to my mobile or my secrets. It’s about what I am putting on the line. What I am willing to face if things go sideways? What are the baggages and deep hurts that will resurface once again?

So, what do we risk when we trust?

The purpose of this article is to explore this question. What are these real, visceral, human aspects or sacred spaces that we expose every time we let someone in? 

In my exploration, I found eight different areas of loss when trust is broken. I termed these losses as “senses”. Each of these has a short story to illustrate the distinctions.

1. Sense of Worth – “Am I enough?”

When we trust someone with our truth, our needs, or even just our bad jokes, we’re quietly asking, “Will you see me as worthy?”
When this sense is affected through broken trust, it doesn’t just sting. It can cut really deep. It can whisper lies like “maybe I don’t matter after all.”

The loss often associated with this sense of worth is our Voice.

Have you met people who seemingly don’t have a voice or feel that what they expressed just doesn’t matter? Often, these people might not even speak up when they are asked, choosing to forgo that opportunity to speak their thoughts, ideas and opinions. They preferred to stay in the background and chose to be invisible. 

Amara sat quietly in the team meeting. She has always been a hardworking individual and has been in the company for over 15 years. But few know what is on her mind. She just doesn’t speak up. When she does, it’s mostly along the lines of “I’m fine with this; I’ve no issues”.

Unknown to her colleagues, many years ago, Amara finally opened up to her manager about feeling overlooked for months. She spoke vulnerably, carefully. Her manager smiled and nodded. Subsequently he made a joke about her being “too sensitive” during the next team meeting. She felt so diminished that she vowed within her that she would not share her inner thoughts again at work. It was too painful to relive that memory. 

2. Sense of Safety – “Can I breathe around you?”

This isn’t just about physical security. It’s the psychological safety to say the hard things, show the messy bits, and not flinch in fear. So what happens when this safety is compromised? Anxiety walks in and builds a fort. 

When we lose our sense of safety after trust is broken in a particular relationship, life feels like stepping on eggshells when we interact with this person. 

Vinny confided in his colleague about something that happened to him in childhood. A few weeks later, during an argument, she threw it back at him.

Vinny didn’t just feel betrayed. He felt emotionally unsafe. Walls went up. The space where he once felt he could breathe was GONE. The safety has been violated. 

Many of us do not feel safe in our work teams or work community because of this trust that once was violated.

3. Sense of Self – “Do I still recognize me?”

We trust others not just with our presence, but with our essence. This means our convictions, values, and beliefs that we hold close to our heart.

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt. Betrayals can shake our inner compass, leaving us asking, “Was I wrong to believe in this….or them?”

When we feel betrayed by people we deeply trust, by those who encapsulate our beliefs and values, our sense of self is de-stablised. The loss of trust creates recurring self-doubt and often leave us on a downward spiral. The loss often accompanied with this sense of self is our confidence.

Ella has always believed honesty was her compass. So when she blew the whistle on some unethical practices at work, she thought she was doing the right thing. She believed her manager was trustworthy and had strong ethics. Instead, she was quietly sidelined in projects and meetings. Ella began to question the values that anchored her. “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet…” she thought.

She didn’t just lose trust in others. She started having self-doubt. She battled the price paid from living her values. She started to wonder about the cost of living her values. Her confidence dips. Her sense of personal agency drops. 

4. Sense of Hope – “Is it still worth believing?”

Hope is the quiet music playing in the background when we take risks. Hope creates this silent expectation that maybe, just maybe, this might eventually work out.

But when trust crumbles? That music cuts. And silence rushes in.

Chris believed in the vision of the company. He believed he was contributing to meaningful work. He was a very committed worker. But he could not forsee what was coming. He was asked to go…

No reasons were given. Just a cold email sent to him. He ended up so hurt by the system that he gave more than 15 years of his life to. Since then, he lost trust in all kinds of community that represented an institution. He became extremely cynical. His sense of hope had diminished in proportion to the huge loss he has experienced. He could not hold down any job. Wherever he went, he would quickly disengage and distance himself from others. He stopped believing that positive change can take place in any system that is represented by an institution.

5. Sense of Belonging – “Am I still part of something?”

We all want to feel like we fit. Like we have a seat at the table. Trust opens the door to community, intimacy, and shared humanity.

When this trust is violated, the room can suddenly feel cold and we no longer enjoy sitting in the chair that we once enjoyed sitting in. 

Kenny finally came out to his closest friends. He believed they were supportive until he overheard one of them mocking him at a party.

In that moment, Kenny didn’t just feel hurt. He felt alone. The group where he thought he belonged had quietly closed its door behind him. The loss so damaged him that he will end up sabotaging himself (unconsciously) whenever he got close to another community. He will end up leaving any group that he felt close to. He just could not bear to relive the pain. Superficial friendship became the norm.

6. Sense of Integrity – “Did I betray myself?”

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t that someone let you down… it’s that you ignored your gut.

Trusting someone when something inside you said “wait” can leave you wrestling not just with disappointment but with yourself.

Shane could not forgive himself after falling prey to a scam. There was an instinct that something felt off. But the investment was paying off very well and this group of people felt trustworthy. He chose to rationalise and believe the discomfort he experienced was a result of overthinking. His financial loss impacted his own sense of integrity. He always believed that he was grounded in his own values. How could he be blinded by the lure of quick success?

7. Sense of Wholeness – “Can I be all of me here?”

This particular one feels tender. Trust allows us to show up fully to others, unfiltered, unarmored, unapologetically us. Many want to live out the best version of themselves - the FULL version.

When trust is lost after we are met with ridicule or are rejected, we start armoring. I learnt this phrase from Brene Brown.
We start compartmentalising. We go from whole to parts.

“Leave your emotions at the door!” Jessy felt she was picked on. She felt shame. She felt all the eyes were on her during that moment. It was then she decided that to survive at work is to compartmentalise. She will show up with the parts that her boss and colleagues want to see and that would be enough. She no longer feels safe to engage with her whole self at work.

8. Sense of Contribution – “Does what I give matter?”

We often want to feel like what we do matters. It can be an act of care. It can be our effort to maintain peace within the team. It can be the work behind the scenes or at the front of the room. When we offer ourselves, we are saying, “This is how I hope to make a difference in this world.”

If that contribution is dismissed, ignored, or used, what we experienced is more than disappointing. That can deeply hurt our belief that what we do matter in this world.

Tariq worked tirelessly and poured months into a community project. Late nights, free hours, full heart. While he was not looking for rewards, he felt small and invisible when someone else got the credit for many parts of his work. His name was never mentioned. The energy, once fueled by purpose, drained out. “Why bother?” he thought. “Does what I give even matter?”

So why risk? Why trust? Why choose vulnerability?

In my opinion, the alternatives are worse. 
Loneliness. Isolation. Numbness.
The experience of distrust is actually a common human experience. At least, that is what I have been seeing as a professional coach.

Trust takes courage.
It’s the daily decision to say, “Even though I know this could hurt, I choose to be open.”
Maybe trusting “again” is the most human thing to do.

Read more in Victor's Trust Series:

• 8 Common Trust Myths Debunked

• What Makes Difficult Conversations Difficult? 9 Hidden Fears Explained

• The Wall of Emotions

Interested in building trust within your team? Explore Victor's Team Coaching programs here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.

Debunking Trust Myths

By Victor Seet, ICF (PCC, ACTC). The world's only coach to hold both the Gallup Gold and Platinum Certified CliftonStrengths Coach awards and also a Newfield Certified ontological coach. Based in Singapore.

“Trust Me, You’re Wrong”

Debunking 8 Common Myths That Hold Us Back”

As a coach, I remembered a period that I focused so much on growing my listening skills and ability to ask great questions that I did not realised trust was working invisibly in the background. Often, trust is only evident to us when it’s missing.

Trust is the heartbeat of every meaningful relationship, whether it’s in families, friendships, teams, or leadership. And yet, for something so essential, trust is often misunderstood or oversimplified.

Trust is like a living ecosystem. It grows, gets damaged, regenerates, and sometimes evolves into something altogether new. Working with trust often requires us to examine our beliefs and have clarity of the ones that might confuse us and hold us back. Here are some of the most common myths to explore. 

Myth 1: “Trust, once broken, can never be fully restored.”

While it’s true that a breach of trust leaves a mark, trust can also be restored, not overnight, not with a magic wand, but with consistency and committed action over time. Holding this belief often keeps people stuck in blame, pain, or distance.  

Rebuilding trust is hard, yes. But with genuine repair work, trust can be reshaped. It may come back looking different (maybe wiser, maybe warier), but it can be whole again.

Myth 2: “Trust is all or nothing. You either trust a person or you don’t.”

We trust people in layers. You might trust someone with sensitive feedback, but not with your finances. Or trust a colleague with a task, but not with your emotions. This black and white thinking doesn’t match how trust actually works. Humans are complex, and so is trust. It grows, recedes, evolves. 

All or nothing? Binary thinking is for robots, not relationships. 

Myth 3: “Trust will automatically repair itself over time.”

Time alone doesn’t heal trust. What heals trust is what we do with that time. 

Healing trust takes intentional action - clear communication, changed behavior, and a willingness to revisit uncomfortable conversations. Without those, what time really does is harden resentment into concrete.

Myth 4: “Trust can be repaired as long as I sincerely apologise.”

A sincere apology is important. But trust isn’t restored by saying sorry. It’s restored by living sorry. People need to see change, not just hear regret.

I used to unconsciously believe that acknowledgment and a good chunk of humility pie will suffice. I learnt the hard way that it’s the little actions of change that is sustained with consistency that  truly repairs trust.

Myth 5: “I can now trust someone because I have forgiven this person.”

Forgiveness and trust are related, but they’re distinct. Forgiveness is about you. It’s abut release, letting go of resentment or bitterness for your own healing. Trust works in a way that feels like it is more about others - showing you through consistent actions that they are trustworthy again. 

You can forgive someone and still choose not to re-enter the same level of trust. That doesn’t make you bitter nor petty. That’s creating healthy boundaries and becoming discerning.

Myth 6: “Trust can only be restored if both parties are willing.”

Mutual willingness makes the trust-building process smoother. But waiting for “both parties to be ready” can feel like a stalemate. In reality, trust begins to shift when one person leads the change. A consistent, trustworthy presence can create an environment where the other party feels safe enough to re-engage.

Myth 7: “Trust is to be earned” or “Trust is to be given.”

This one creates a false choice. Trust isn’t either/or.

It’s both/and. 

Rigidly insisting someone “earn it first” before offering any trust can block connection. Blindly giving trust without boundaries can lead to harm. Healthy trust-building is a dance of giving and earning, one where you extend trust in doses, and earn it back through consistent behavior. 

Having said the above, there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. Trust works in context of the relationship.

Myth 8: “The more we trust each other, the more harmonious, more peace there will be.”

It’s easy to assume that trust equals harmony, but that’s not always true. 

High-trust environments often invite more honesty. In high-trust teams, people challenge ideas, not hide behind politeness.  That means more disagreement, challenge, and truth-telling.

It’s not a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign of maturity. Trust isn’t about avoiding conflict. It’s about being able to have conflict safely and respectfully.

Final Thoughts:

Trust is messy. It’s nuanced. It doesn’t live in fairy tales. It lives in Tuesday morning meetings, late-night apologies, and daily choices to show up with integrity. Trust isn’t a fixed state or a simple formula. It’s an ongoing conversation.

It’s not about avoiding the cracks. It’s about becoming people who learn how to make good. We can all make room for becoming more human and hopeful. We can all learn to hold trust with care, and to grow it with courage.

So the next time someone drops one of these 8 myths like it’s gospel, raise an eyebrow, take a sip of your coffee, and say confidently:

“Trust me, it’s more complicated than that.”

Read more in Victor's Trust Series:

• What's Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

• What Makes Difficult Conversations Difficult? 9 Hidden Fears Explained

• How Shame Shows Up in the Workplace

Interested in building trust within your team? Explore Victor's Team Coaching programs here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.