“Are you stupid or what?”
Have you heard this phrase being yelled at by someone extremely frustrated?
Lurking beneath certain behaviors and language is the emotion of shame. Many of us grew up in a shame and honor culture, especially within the context of Asian cultures. This article spotlights the implications and impact of the shame and honor culture on society.
In a shame and honor culture, the standards and expectations held by our families and communities (friends, schoolmates, church communities, etc) shape our sense of self and worth. We quickly learn what is acceptable and unacceptable by the shame or honor shown by the community in which we grew up.
In Singapore, for example, youth receive honor whenever they perform well academically. Academic results are favored to sporting achievements, music, art, and technical skills. In contrast, we receive judgment and shame whenever we fail our exams and become “repeat” students. Shame has a multiplier effect. Youth who are shamed continuously by parents and relatives end up shaming their friends (through their words and behaviors albeit unintentionally). Bullying among friends and siblings happens because of the effects of shame. Experiencing bullying is excruciating when we are young and looking for a sense of belonging. Name-calling and cancel culture are part of the shame expression.
Shame is the emotion associated with behavior regarded as unworthy by people whose acceptance and approval matter. In shame, our public identity is diminished, threatening our sense of belonging. In shame, we feel judged and unaccepted. Our insecurities expand. Shame can deeply damage our sense of self and worth.
What is often unknown is these feelings of shame linger. The emotion of shame becomes a mood (emotional habit) as one grows up in a shame and honor culture. The mood is the emotional legacy of shame passed on to individuals. Over time, the shame becomes invisible as it integrates with the thoughts and behaviors when we grow from the youth stage into the adult stage of life.
Some internal narratives of shame are
"I don’t deserve to be loved"
"It must be my fault"
“I’m not good enough”
The language used to shame others include
“Are you STUPID or what?”
“You are such a LAZY bum!”
"You ALWAYS mess this up."
SHAME HAS A SPIRALLING EFFECT
When one is in the mood of shame, one is likely to self-sabotage—one acts in violation of the standards and expectations of the community. By doing so, one then remains in the identity of shame (this recurring pattern of behavior is invisible to the person). An example is the recurring patterns exhibited by bullies.
I often observe the shame behaviors to be in opposite spectrums. On one end, individuals in the mood of shame are more likely to engage in behaviors to dominate, respond defensively, deny responsibility, or even pin mistakes on others. On the other, individuals in shame choose to remain as invisible as possible and not contribute to discussions, hide from taking on responsibilities, or run away (in self-blame).
If emotions are a spotlight, shame shines a light on our moral standards. As an emotion, shame can be powerful as it helps a person notice and strive for the standards of love, courage, integrity, etc, that a community upholds.
However, shame that lingers (when the emotion becomes a mood) casts one not as a human being who did something bad but as a bad human being. People in the mood of shame often feel diminished and worthless, even if they might be rich, and famous. Deep down, the belief of unworthiness bites daily and eats up a person’s self-esteem.
A PERSONAL STORY
A few years ago, I noticed myself swimming in this mood of shame. I first noticed it in my behavior as a father. I saw the language I was using with my kids. I saw how I was shaming them when they misbehaved. I also saw other evidence of shame - I had recurring behaviors of self-sabotage, participating in activities that repeatedly filled me with guilt and regret. I also saw the recurring behaviors to prove myself when the internal talk amplified my feelings of inadequacy. For the first time, I realized so much of what I did was tied to shame. I could not see it previously.
Noticing the shame was powerfully transformational. I did not fight, rationalize, or deny the shame. I choose instead to pay attention to my words and behaviors while swimming in the pool of shame. It was not easy to accept what I saw - the emotional legacy of shame in my life.
The ontological coaching training helped me gain tools to see. And the more I saw shame expressed in what I said and did, the more I could intervene.
Gradually, I created a distance - I could disconnect from this mood. It (the shame) no longer owns me. I came to terms with and accepted the effects of shame. I can now choose to climb out of this pool (of shame).
Within the shame and honor culture in Singapore, I also started to see how shame shows up in workplaces, schools, families, and churches.
As a Christian, I have also observed the effects of the shame and honor culture in churches. In a community that declares grace and engages primarily with the moral lens, those struggling with shame feel even more judged (unfortunately) by the standards held by the church community. Church leaders and members who are themselves swimming in shame, dished out judgments of shame (often unknowingly). Many eventually leave the church, feeling even more disillusioned and hurt by the judgments (the condition commonly known as Christian hypocrisy).
Genesis 3:6-13
6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. 8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” 10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” 11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” 12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”
In the bible, shame was experienced after the fall. By violating the standards set by God, Adam and Eve no longer see the nature of the loving God. They chose to hide. They blame others. Shame became their identity.
In closing, the effects of the shame and honor culture have implications on the daily language and behavior seen in the workplace and at home. The emotional legacy of shame has passed from one generation to another.
My sincere hope is shame will have a lesser stronghold on our society. We need hope and healing.
Written by Victor Seet
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.
