The Wall of Emotions

Someone once said to me many years ago:

“Victor, you have been married for 12 years right? If you don’t tear down the wall that stopped you from engaging emotionally, your marriage might not last 20 (years).”

We are emotional beings long before we are logical ones. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame - these live in our bodies like weather systems. But somewhere along my own journey, I’ve learnt how not to feel, but to manage. I’ve learnt how not to express, but to understand emotions from a safe distance. I learn to talk about emotions without ever really sitting in them. And so, brick by brick, I built the Wall.

The Wall of Emotions isn’t loud. It’s quiet and functional. It lets me perform, lead, show up, even love (to a certain extent). Others feel my love by what I do for them. In CliftonStrengths language, I am an Activator and I’m a Achiever. I am fast to act and I believe that others feel my love by what I do for them.

But this wall has a way to stop me from going deeper in connecting with others. I often talk about stress but never could name the loneliness under it. I might name the sadness, but I never cry in public. The Wall protects me, but I never knew that it also isolates me. I have often felt lonely even when I am constantly surrounded by people. Over time, others around me including my wife feel something missing though they might not be able to pinpoint it. I felt it too.

In one of my earlier vocation as a pastoral worker, I had to deal often with crisis. I have dealt with multiple suicides. I have gone to the mortuary many times to identify and collect dead bodies. I have conducted many funerals. I have many conversations with people who have experienced abuse. I have been inside rooms where individuals are wailing in sorrow. Yet, I have the ability to appear unflinched. This Wall doesn’t look like avoidance. It can look like strength, competence, even leadership. Often in crisis, I am calm and collected. 

I have led many teams with this wall. I can give advice while staying emotionally unreachable. This wall has kept me safe and has helped me perform my duties well (or at least in my own assessment).

Back to the feedback: 
I was taken aback but not shocked.
I wasn’t offended.
I saw certain truth in the comment.

I had some consistent feedback over the years - I often appeared intimidating. Sometimes I come across as cold and emotionless. There seems to be a need to look strong and put together. 

The Wall was my coping mechanism. 

I became curious. I explored what the wall is about. I looked at how the wall has served me and how it has limited me. I realized what has served me over the years is no longer serving me.

I also realized that my CliftonStrengths themes canbe just as powerful without this wall. I do not have to be limited by assessments that others have made. An Activator loves being fast and I can also choose patience. Self-Assurance shows up as confident and I can choose vulnerability. Command can be courageous and I can choose tenderness. Strategic can be efficient and I can choose patience. It’s about what I choose and how I expand.

Fast forward to today, the brick wall has become more like a partition. Breaking down my wall has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have suffered a lot of discomfort and have reaped a lot of rewards. I have moved from being stoic to become more empathetic. I can now confidently say I am more able to be able to sit in the discomfort of my emotions.

The invitation here isn’t to become emotional in a dramatic or performative way. 

It’s to feel—really feel—what’s under the surface, and allow others to witness it. Not conceptually but in practice. It might be awkward, raw, unfamiliar. But this is how the Wall begins to crack, to un-thaw, to dissolve. Not all at once—but slowly and courageously. 

Emotionally honest presence is not weakness. It is perhaps the rarest and most powerful kind of strength.

Have you wondered “what might be possible if you start to take down the wall?”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What Makes DIfficult Conversations DIfficult?

Imagine sitting at the dinner table, chopsticks in hand, about to tell your parents you’re quitting your very stable job to become a church worker. Or perhaps you need to tell your boss, who has invested so much into you and practically raised you in the company—that you’re resigning to pursue a better opportunity.

Each of these moments carries a familiar tension. The heart beats faster. The stomach tightens. The mind is racing with a thousand “what ifs”.. The mix of anxiety, hesitation, and imagined catastrophe, is exactly what many may experience before a difficult conversation. 

But why? What makes some conversations feel effortless while others feel like crossing a minefield blindfolded? What makes certain feedback sessions or performance conversations feel dreadful?

It comes down to FEAR.

Not the kind of fear that makes us run from tigers, but the kind that whispers “What if?” and creates deep anxiety within us. Beneath the surface, our minds anticipate danger, threats to our relationships, our self-image, or our sense of security. These fears whisper, “Tread carefully,” and before we know it, the conversation has become a daunting, treacherous terrain.

The topic of difficult conversations is a common one. No one enjoys the experience of going into an important conversation feeling like they are walking on a tightrope.

So what makes difficult conversation difficult?

Here are nine commonly hidden fears that make certain conversations feel like an emotional battlefield.

1. Fear of Conflict

Imagine a traditional Chinese family where the eldest son wants to marry someone his parents disapprove of. When he finally gathers the courage to bring it up, his father’s face darkens. His mother lets out a long sigh. “If you do this, you are breaking our family’s heart.”

For many, the idea of confrontation, especially with elders, authority figures, or people we deeply respect, feels unbearable. There’s a deeply ingrained belief in maintaining harmony, even if it means suppressing personal truth. We fear that speaking up will lead to anger, disapproval, or worse, being cast out emotionally. This is one of the most common fears that creates the perception that a certain conversation is going to be extremely difficult.


2. Fear of Emotional Outbursts

Eva, a young mother of two young kids, finally decides to tell her own mother she needs space from the family’s constant expectations. But as soon as she starts, her mother’s eyes well up. “After all I’ve sacrificed for you, is this how you repay me?”

In Singapore and Asian families in general, certain emotions, especially guilt, disappointment, and sorrow, carry weight. Many of us have seen firsthand how one conversation can turn into tears, shouting, or a long, painful silence. We fear that going into such conversations will create an emotional mess we won’t know how to clean up. It is a picture of a wildly shaken coke bottle being opened - the pressure bursting forth.

This fear is especially real for leaders who face the task of informing subordinates “You have been let go.”


3. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

A husband sits in silence at the dinner table, his heart pounding as his wife sits opposite him enjoying her dinner. All he feels is guilt. He knew he has crossed a line. The weight of that mistake hangs heavy between them, even though she doesn’t know it. He wants to confess, but he hesitates. What if they don’t recover from this setback? What if this single moment, which he deeply regrets, becomes the wedge that drives them apart?

In many Asian cultures, marriage is often seen as a lifelong commitment, where duty and harmony take precedence. The idea of “rocking the boat” with an admission of guilt feels almost reckless. He fears that if he confesses, his wife will be devastated, their bond irreparably damaged, or worse—she will leave him.

So, he convinces himself that keeping quiet is the kinder option. “Why hurt her over something that will never happen again?” he rationalizes. Yet, deep down, he knows that every time she smiles at him with trust in her eyes, he will feel the weight of his unspoken truth.

This particular fear highlights the paradox of difficult conversations: the very thing we fear might break the relationship may actually be the only thing that can heal it. But fear—of pain, of fallout, of losing what we cherish—keeps us silent.

4. Fear of Being Misunderstood

Ling, a project manager sits in a meeting, her hands clasped tightly under the table. Across from her is Peter, a senior colleague. The air between them is thick with unspoken tension. Ling had sent an email to their director highlighting delays in their project. She hadn’t intended to single anyone out. She simply wanted to give an honest update. But Peter, who was responsible for a key part of the project, took it personally. He had since grown distant, his once-friendly interactions replaced by curt replies and a noticeable coldness.

She wants to clear the air, knowing the team works best when there’s trust and open communication. The fear of being misunderstood stops her. 

Communication is tricky. We fear that, no matter how carefully we choose our words, they will be misinterpreted. Our intention won’t be seen, only the impact would be felt. This fear keeps us silent, convinced that speaking up will only make things worse.

A big challenge in difficult conversations isn’t just finding the right words. It’s overcoming the fear that our words will be misinterpreted. 

5. Fear of Losing Respect (and Reputation)

Tom, a senior leader in an MNC, knew that the mistake he made had an impact on this team. He felt a need to apologize to his team, but he hesitates. He has spent years building his reputation as a strong, caring and competent leader. The fear of losing respect was one that occupied his mind the most. 

In hierarchical societies, admitting to a mistake can feel dangerous, especially among men. Research done on marriage relationships showed that generally men need to feel respected while women generally want to feel that they are cared for. For many men, the fear of losing face (面子) and losing respect stops many conversations before they even begin.

For many leaders, these conversations feel like playing a game of Jenga. One wrong move, and the whole tower might come tumbling down. Owning up to a mistake is often a difficult conversation for many male leaders because of the fear that it will lead to a huge loss of respect. For many, this loss of respect reflects a huge loss in the sense of identity. 

6. Fear of Uncertainty

Elsa, a regional sales director, sits at her desk, scrolling through the sales numbers. Sales are down and she knows that there needs to be a conversation with her boss. The uncertainty of the conversation was overwhelming. For her, uncertainty isn’t just about the unknown outcome of the conversation. It’s about losing control over the narrative. She’s spent years proving herself in a male-dominated industry, carefully crafting a reputation as competent and strategic. What if the conversation doesn’t go well, what will that mean for how she’s perceived?

The real fear is stepping into a situation where she can’t control how she’s seen or how the discussion unfolds. The need for control makes the uncertainty of the conversation feels unbearable.

Should she wait? Maybe the numbers will improve. Maybe the boss will bring up the problem first. Maybe she can delay this just a little longer.

Deep down, she knows that the longer she avoids the conversation of the sales performance, the more control she actually loses.

Like stepping into a dark room, we hesitate because we don’t know what’s waiting for us on the other side. Sometimes, the fear of “what might happen” feels scarier than the conversation itself.


7. Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

A young entrepreneur dreads telling his family that his startup has failed and he had lost a huge sum of money. He had spent a long time convincing his family back then that starting the business will be the best choice for him. He knows his parents will be disappointed. But what he was really afraid of was confronting his own feelings of failure.

Difficult conversations often shine a spotlight on the things we don’t want to face about ourselves. Whether it’s admitting failure, acknowledging a past mistake, or confronting an uncomfortable truth, sometimes the hardest part of a conversation isn’t the other person’s reaction. It’s dealing with our own shame or self-judgment.

Often, difficult conversations have a sneaky way of turning the mirror back on us. We may start off focused on a particular topic or person, but suddenly, we’re confronted with our own blind spots, biases, or mistakes. This fear keeps many of us from engaging in such conversations. Deep down, we’re not just afraid of what they’ll say; we’re afraid of what we’ll see.


8. Fear of Disappointing Someone

Darius has decided to reject a scholarship offer. Instead, he chose to stay in Singapore to pursue a startup with his friends. It’s a risky move, but it excites him in a way that the academic path never did. He sits in his room, wondering how to break the news to his parents.

He can already picture the look on his mother’s face - the quiet sigh, the subtle drop in her shoulders. She won’t yell or argue, but her silence will say everything. “After everything we’ve done for you, this is what you choose?”

Darius fears the weight of that unspoken disappointment, the feeling of letting down the people who have sacrificed so much for him. In many Asian families, where expectations for success and stability are deeply ingrained, the fear of disappointing parents, mentors, or elders can be more paralyzing than outright conflict.

This particular fear stems from a deep desire to meet expectations, maintain approval, or avoid feelings of guilt or inadequacy. When we anticipate that our words or decisions might let someone down, we may hesitate to engage in the conversation altogether, fearing a loss of trust, respect, or emotional connection.

9. Fear of Being Disappointed

Ellie takes a deep breath before knocking on her director’s office door. She has spent weeks preparing for this conversation—gathering data, structuring her arguments, rehearsing every possible response. She has decided that she is finally going to address the toxic work culture in their department.

She knows that if things don’t change, more people will leave. But as she steps inside, the fear of being disappointed creeps into her head.

The fear isn’t just about having the conversation—it’s about investing emotional energy into something that may not lead to real change. 

What if this conversation changes nothing?
What if he nods, listens, but ultimately dismisses her concerns?
What if, despite all her efforts, the long hours, the unspoken expectations, and the toxic culture continue—just as they always have?

In many workplaces, employees hesitate to speak up because they worry their voices won’t matter. It’s not just the fear of rejection—it’s the fear of hoping for something better, only to be let down.

Ellie knows that if she walks out of that office with nothing but empty assurances, she will have to decide: does she keep fighting, or does she accept that this is just the way things are?

And that’s the deeper fear—the fear that we may have to accept what we cannot change.

Summary: Many of the fears listed above are intertwined. It’s often a combination of fear that one struggles with. The aim of this post is to create greater awareness of what we struggle with.

The fears don’t have to stop us. Every human being struggles with fear. Wrestling with fear is what makes us human. The desire for this post is for us to notice the voices of fear in our heads that make conversations difficult.

“We can only intervene effectively when we can see clearly.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

(Updated) A Guide: Using CliftonStrengths at Work

One of the most common questions I get after a CliftonStrengths workshop is:

What’s next? How can I use my strengths more effectively at work?

I'm writing this article to highlight three key areas where you can leverage your strengths.

(1) Performance Management: expanding our effectiveness at work

In performance conversations, we often explore the areas we do well and the possible obstacles to achieving performance. Such discussions often highlight our negative behaviors and whether we are self-aware.

Applying our CliftonStrengths Themes is about applying self-awareness as a practice. 

The practice is to notice the patterns in our lives and make the needed adjustments to achieve what we want. This practice requires us to examine our past experiences to identify the patterns and the results.

In my coaching conversations, some examples of behavioral patterns that came up include:

1. Saying a lot of “Yes” to others

2. Drifting off-topic in discussions and not being concise

3. Shifting goalposts, making it hard for others to be in alignment

4. Leaving decisions till the last minute, putting others under tighter deadlines unnecessarily.

The list goes on. 

Applying our CliftonStrengths themes in performance management is to be aware of how our dominant themes show up in helpful ways and not so helpful ways. When our dominant strengths show up in not so helpful ways, they become hindrances to our work performance.

An example:
Jackson, who has the Connectedness theme, enjoys seeing connections between different ideas and experiences. He believes in better outcomes when people connect the dots and import learnings from past experiences. 

He started to notice that more and more people were giving feedback on his communication. “What’s the point you are trying to make?; I am not sure of the connection between these two incidents that you have just shared; You tend to talk about stuff that seems unrelated to the agenda and our meetings overrun.”

Realizing that his Connectedness theme was hindering his communication effectiveness, Jackson started practicing holding back instead of the tendency to verbalize connections that came to his mind. He saw that his communication was confusing others and decided to make adjustments. Jackson has since learned to communicate by giving context to his shared example or declaring his key point before sharing the connection. By doing so, he expands his ability to communicate clearly and improves his performance as a manager.

(2) Relationship Building: improving our social effectiveness 

In relationship building, one critical factor is the level of trust forged between the parties. Applying CliftonStrengths in relationship building is to regulate the behaviors that will hinder trust building. One of the critical skills in trust-building work is how well we listen to others. Behaviors such as interrupting conversations, jumping quickly to conclusions, etc, show a lack of listening. These behaviors diminish trust.

An example:
Asher, who has the Strategic theme, sees his recurring pattern of seeking more efficient ways to achieve the desired outcomes.

He noticed he gets impatient in meetings because he already sees the solutions to the problems raised when others are still clarifying the issues. His impatience caused him to multitask and attend to other matters while his colleagues were still discussing. He also noticed his tendency to interrupt conversations to stop others from “wasting time” in meetings. These observations came after he received different feedback from colleagues that others have been irritated by his behaviors. They perceived that he did not care and respect others.

Realizing that it could be his Strategic theme that is hindering him from building trusting relationships, Asher practiced turning down his Strategic theme and turning up his Input theme instead. He consciously aims to be curious by using his Input theme rather than be quick to judge. The adjustments helped him to slow down and to show care. That started the process of rebuilding the trust of others in the team.

ARTICLE:
CliftonStrengths Complementary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairings

(3) Collaboration: improving our communication effectiveness

In collaborative work, we often need to coordinate between different stakeholders. Effective communication is one of the crucial factors in driving good collaboration. Applying CliftonStrengths in communication starts with recognizing our own needs and the needs of other stakeholders. Each CliftonStrengths theme has specific needs. When the different needs are met, communication flows naturally. Coordination work becomes more effective. 

An example:
Julia, who has the Context theme, sees her recurring pattern of seeking background information and asking “how things came about”. To her, background information helps produce better quality thinking and eventually, decisions. However, she noticed that her teammates prefer to jump into problem-solving mode. She notices their tendency to quickly explore different solutions before understanding the real issue. That has often made her frustrated during meetings. Julia realized her needs from her Context theme were not met.

After exploring with her coach, she made adjustments by learning to articulate her need for background information to other team members. She is now intentional in making specific requests to acquire quick updates on background information or historical data before any solutions work.

The team has since felt a significant difference in results whenever Julia contributes. She asks good questions and brings fresh perspectives. The team now leverages her Context theme for more robust thinking and quality outcomes. 

In summary, applying CliftonStrengths is learning to dial up our behavioral patterns in situations that will get us positive outcomes and dial down in situations that will create negative impacts. 

The three basic but crucial steps to get there:

(1) Get clarity and understanding of our dominant CliftonStrengths themes and how these themes show up at work. Getting feedback from team members in this area is helpful to get this clarity.

(2) Notice the recurring patterns of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior by reflecting on our past experiences. This includes reflecting about when we feel energized during work, when we get triggered etc.

(3) Intentionally aim these recurring patterns towards our desired outcomes by making adjustments to our behaviors

Ultimately, applying CliftonStrengths in all aspects of work, such as performance management, relationship building, and collaboration, can lead to personal and professional growth. It involves recognizing and leveraging our dominant themes to improve self-awareness, build trust, and enhance communication. By consciously practicing to adjust our behaviors and tendencies associated with our CliftonStrengths, we can create a more effective and harmonious work environment while maximizing our individual potential.

ARTICLE: 8 Things to Know About CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

One of the key benefits of the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) tool is that of building better quality relationships. Using CliftonStrengths, each individual identifies his or her dominant talent themes. With that knowledge, individuals can understand their natural recurring patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour.

Conflicts between people usually arise when people impose their natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on others. Most of the time, this occurs without an individual’s awareness. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths tool to help couples build greater understanding of each other's lenses and to facilitate conversations that will improve the quality of relationships. A marriage relationship is very intense. The trust and quality of relationship takes a lot of time to strengthen. In Singapore, When I run strengths workshop for couples, seeing how the faces of the couples light up has been immensely rewarding! 

The passion to conduct these relationship workshops arose out of the transformation of my own marriage. Michelle and I have been married for over 18 years. In these years, there certainly have been challenges. My dominant themes are Activator, Communication, Strategic, Self-Assurance and Command. Michelle’s dominant themes are Responsibility, Achiever, Maximizer, Ideation and Relator. We have very contrasting themes and often our natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving created conflicts. 

How do we use this tool in a practical way to grow our marriage?

Using the CliftonStrengths tool, we first try to have conversations that seek to understand each other’s dominant themes. Understanding each other's tendency to think, feel and behave helped us acquire a heightened level of patience. There were many paradigm shifts that took place in this process. Here, I list 5 examples:

1. GETTING THINGS DONE:

There is usually a to-do list stuck on the fridge. Unsurprisingly, these lists were generated by Michelle. These to-do lists are not just for herself - there is also a list for me! Upon understanding her Achiever talent theme, I realized that when a task is completed for her, there is a huge level of satisfaction for her. Because of this new understanding, I engage my Activator theme, which is the ability to take action quickly, to finish the tasks that are required. I used to procrastinate and Michelle gets upset and frustrated. The new motivation to get these tasks done stems from the desire to love and serve her.

2. UNDERSTANDING OWNERSHIP

"Apologies are not enough. Rationalizations and excuses are not acceptable”. These words came out of the description of the Gallup CliftonStrengths Responsibility theme. For me, this was a great revelation! What was a minor mistake or an careless act often escalated into a huge conflict. Discussing this theme allowed us to make adjustments on both ends. She agreed to be more gracious towards my slip ups. She also chooses to now take note and be more affirming of the many tasks I have completed. What used to be a “this is expected of you!” has now changed to a “thank you for doing these”. I also took note of the fact that her psychological ownership is higher than an average person and I’m now more careful to avoid making empty promises to her.

READ: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS

3. DECISION MAKING 

My Activator theme often clashed with her Responsibility theme. My Activator says “Taking action is better than no action at all” while her Responsibility and Deliberative says “Doing nothing is better than doing something wrong”. These contrasting thoughts often brought conflicts during decision making especially in areas where much uncertainties lie. Discussions in this area have helped us to understand each other better. We decided not to change one another but to find areas of common ground. We agreed on some specific areas of decisions where I will submit to her suggestions and vice versa. These handles have hugely reduced our conflicts.

4. PROVIDING OPTIONS

Michelle now understands that my Strategic theme enjoys having options. Killing off options at the start of any discussions is a big no-no for me. Giving me options to choose from was a powerful way of communicating with me. From deciding what to do on a weekend to deciding what to have for meals, giving me different alternatives makes me feel valued.

5. SERVING TOGETHER

As a Relator and with the Achiever and Responsibility theme, Michelle enjoys being involved and doing things together with me. I learnt to make her feel more valued by finding opportunities for us to work together. One of the things we intentionally do is to mentor other younger couples. We also serve together in a Singapore local church in by co-facilitating a small group. I also try to involve her in my work by tapping on her Ideation for fresh and innovative ways.

While I can list down more transforming paradigms that strengthen our marriage and the new ways we found in engaging each other, I’m very mindful that this marriage relationship is still work in progress. We cannot grow complacent. Open communication to build trust and mutual respect continues to be fundamental for us. We are thankful that we discovered a tool and now possess a weapon that helps to strengthen our bond as husband and wife. We continue to use the CliftonStrengths as a conversation tool to help us understand each other and resolve conflicts.

How is the relationship with your spouse or partner? Consider using the CliftonStrengths tool as a means to improve and strengthen your relationships.

READ: WHY COMPLIMENTARY PARTNERSHIPS DO NOT ALWAYS WORK

Contact me if you are interested to have some couple coaching sessions.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Family Conversations

It has been known that one of the key benefits of using the Gallup CliftonStrengths tool is that of enhancing relationships. Backed by 50 years of research, CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) provides a science to why people intuitively behave in a certain way - it is discovered that the motivation behind human behaviour can be greatly attributed to a person's unique talents. The CliftonStrengths tool measures the presence of talents in each individual and empowers people to understand themselves and grow in self-awareness. 

As a coach, I intentionally employ the CliftonStrengths tool for organizations, schools as well as for families and individuals. Using a guided approach, I facilitate strengths-based conversations to co-create rich and fruitful dialogues, which are often missed out in the hurriedness of work and life. After going through a session of Strengths-Based coaching, the Lo family from Singapore kindly agreed to do an interview and share their individual experiences of the family coaching session.

A short introduction of the Lo Family: James, father of the household, is a Singaporean businessman while Ai Ling, mother, is a homemaker who has recently completed a post-graduate course in Counselling. The eldest sibling, Samantha, works as a manager while the middle child in the family, Chrystella (known affectionately by all of them as La), works as a counsellor. Youngest of the siblings, Jonathan, is looking to complete his degree in business, studying in Singapore. The Lo family hopes that through this short interview, more families in Singapore as well as across the globe will be encouraged to understand each member's unique talents and experience a breakthrough in their relationships.

1) HOW DID THE SESSION HELP YOU TO KNOW YOUR FAMILY BETTER? 

James: I now learnt why Ai Ling is so insistent to do things or house work her ways. It’s attributed to her lenses and it’s helpful to understand her top 5. I also never knew that Jonathan has such a strong connection with his Harmony and Relator theme. I now know that his ability to form solid, mutually rewarding relationships is very important to him. I also learnt more about my 2 daughters: Sam is a very private person and that comes from her Deliberative theme. La will stop engaging during family discussions whenever she completed her own analysis of the issue at hand. That comes from her Analytical theme.

AL: I now understand why there are times that Jon and La "switched off" during family conversations. For Jon who has Harmony, I did not know previously that he does not really enjoy listening to lengthy debates and discussions and prefer discussing what we can do as a family together. For La, her Analytical enjoys analyzing different points of views and she is good at that. When there isn't any data to analyze, she switched off during the conversations. I also now understand why my husband with his Restorative theme often prescribes solutions that I don't feel I needed. Understanding that allows me to now be more patient.

La: For me, the session was helpful to provide a platform where family members could reflect on and share their views on how they respond & behave with the family, and why. The session also provided a platform for us to give feedback to each other and discuss ways to support each other better in our interactions. Example for me was when we discussed why my brother would at times zone out during family discussions, and how we can involve him more productively.

Sam: The session helped me to reframe my family's idiosyncrasies as needs behind their talent themes. For example: Mom's impatience as a need for something to be done, and be done quickly. That is her Activator’s need. For La, her Analytical theme requires her to be mentally engaged. If she’s not, she tends to switch off during family discussions.

Jon:  The session helped me to put into words the behaviours of my family members and to understand their personalities better. For example I didn't know why sometimes La seems uninterested. I used to think maybe she was just in a bad mood but now I know it’s because of her Analytical theme. 

READ: Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

2) WHAT WAS SOMETHING THAT STOOD OUT FOR YOU DURING THE SESSION?

James: I find it extremely helpful to do this exercise and to understand each other viewpoints. The session which was facilitated by an experienced coach, definitely help to open each other up and create the openness and ability to talk freely.

AL: Our talents need to be moderated to bring out the strengths of the other person so that it is beneficial to all in the family otherwise love becomes loath.

Sam: Talking about how we experience our talents and how those talents sometimes may drive other family members crazy. The conversation made me realized the efforts that each member of my family has made to put aside their preferences to show love to the family. I realized that when I look back at the individuals we were years ago, we have come some way in trying to "tame" our parts of our talents that annoy each other. Also, another thing that stood out was that everyone was trying to understand each other. There was the connecting of the dots - we were piecing together what we have observed of one another, with the new StrengthsFinder language we now have learned to describe each other.

La: What stood out to me was the insights between specific family member interactions, and certain patterns that I have observed in our family. Light was shed on the reason for some of these observations.

Jon: What stood out to me through the conversation was how my family, especially my parents, actually observes a lot about each other. I didn't know that they as well as myself actually notice so much.

3) WHAT WAS ONE PRACTICAL APPLICATION YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE SESSION?

James: For me, I will now refrain from providing solutions to any challenges my family members may have. I now realized that was from my Restorative theme. I will instead do my best to direct them and let them discover their own solutions instead of me quickly providing solutions to their challenges.

AL: I feel that I will not insist that things be done my way and get annoyed when certain things did not happen. Instead I will clarify my needs as well as ask my family members for their rationale behind what they do or don't do.

Sam: I now have gained practical ways to engage La and Jon in our family conversations when they seem to switch off. Also, I’ve learnt that to use the CliftonStrengths language of another person's talents can be powerful in order to better communicate with them.

La: I think I can be more communicative to help my family with other types of talents. Eg. My sister's Responsibility theme and my mother's Activator. I need to communicate that I will do the tasks they have asked me to do and as much as possible to give a timeline. In that way, they will not feel I'm irresponsible or slow.

Jon: For me, I have learnt the importance of the need to understand how my family functions in order to show and appreciate their love in a greater measure. 

Ending Thoughts: Every family unit, whether in Singapore or beyond, desires to grow in intimacy and love for one another. Using the CliftonStrengths tool, having Strengths-Based conversations allow family units to go deeper into understanding each person's unique perspectives and further build on the foundation of mutual respect. It is proven that just by having that deeper understanding of each other's perspectives alone can empower an individual to become more patient with family members. We believe that all families should consider using this tool to enhance and develop rich conversations.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

First published in 2016.
Updated in 2021.

Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to Resolve Conflicts

Conflicts are commonplace. While they are never fun, these conflicts can strengthen relationships when properly managed. In this regard, many Singaporeans have asked me how the CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) tool can be used in conflict resolution. It is my view that while the CliftonStrengths tool might not be able to resolve all the challenges faced in conflict management, it does provide a few good handles. This article was written to share how I have integrated my personal leadership experience with the tool. 

How do I use CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to resolve conflicts? 

1. Recognize that because of our talent themes, we all have different lenses through which we see the world.

Many clashes are caused by differences in perspectives. If we add that to our natural tendency to impose our lenses on others as we interact with the world, we see the two primary reasons why conflicts are commonplace. 

CliftonStrengths provides the science behind conflicts by building on the above two reasons. Using this tool, Gallup has shown through research that the probability of two individuals having the same top five strengths in the same order is 1 in 33 million.

This statistic provides the science and demonstrates empirically a fact that no other tool has been able to illustrate: we all see things differently. Conflicts therefore occur when we impose our perspectives (which come from our strengths) on others. The unfortunate thing is that most people impose their strengths on others while remaining unaware that they are doing so.

While it may seem obvious that everyone is different and has different perspectives, the negative emotions generated in a conflict often hinder this understanding. Our emotions are therefore not the best go-to place if we are to resolve conflicts. We need a tool that enables us to dig into our rational mind to counter the negative emotions.

CliftonStrengths as a tool fulfils this purpose. By understanding the science behind conflicts, many begin to understand that most conflicts happen not because of office politics nor personal attacks. These conflicts are simply a result of views imposed onto one another (often without awareness). 

Understanding this science therefore empowers us in two areas: it allows us to have an increased capacity to be patient and open-minded with others, which becomes a source of strength to resolve conflicts. It also empowers us to move forward in finding solutions instead of playing the blame game. 

2. Ask good questions to decipher why you were upset.

This point is a continuation of the first point. When we are clear on what triggers us, we are able to better manage our emotions. We are also able to strengthen communication by sharing these trigger points with others. To build this self-awareness, we can use the StrengthsFinder tool to better understand ourselves. 

Some examples: 

If I have the Communication theme, a question to ask myself might be, "What were the specific words spoken that triggered the negative emotions?" 

If I have the Analytical theme, a question to ask might be, "What exactly was illogical or hard to accept?" 

If I have the Empathy theme, a question to ask might be, "What made me perceived that the person did something unkind or did something that did not take into consideration others’ feelings?" 

If I have the Discipline theme, a question to ask might be, "what happened that threw me off-guard and caused me to feel upset?"

3. Seek to reconcile and forgive rather than simply forget.

Many people choose to sweep things under the carpet, believing that the conflicts will eventually be forgotten. I personally would not recommend this approach of conflict avoidance. The fundamental belief of such an approach is that time will heal all wounds. However, I have seen how the seed of distrust will keep on growing unless there is an ability to destroy this seed (through proper conflict resolution). 

I believe in taking ownership of the conflict. This requires both humility and courage. It is always easier to blame others, but taking ownership means seeking a way to move the relationship forward. I am a firm believer that relationships can be strengthened from resolving conflicts. 

I often advocate the idea that “the individual is more important than the issue.” It takes great humility to consider and value others more than seeking our own rights. The reason that parental love is so powerful is that parents are able to lay down their rights and do what is best for their children, even if it means moving out of their comfort zone. I believe the same idea can be applied towards relationships at work and at home. 

READ: DEVELOPING HUMILITY

4. Understand what strengths might have caused the conflict to happen. 

When we understand our own strengths, this understanding helps us to grow in maturity. When we understand the strengths of others, this understanding helps us to grow in patience with them and strengthen the relational capacity. 

A simple way to discover what strengths are clashing during a conflict is to debrief and ask each other this question after things have cooled down: "Which strengths (in the StrengthsFinder language) do you think caused us to clash?" How?

There was an incident I had a heated argument with Jason, my ex-business partner. Angry words were exchanged, and I found out later that I made a statement during our argument that caused him to be emotionally charged. The statement I made was, "What you did does not build trust." As Jason is a Relator, trust is extremely fundamental to him, so those words I used were cutting. Through our debrief, I learnt about this importance. We agreed that moving forward, "trust" as a word shall be used only for affirmation and to build one another up, rather than in the heat of the moment. 

Such debriefs can help us to avoid future conflicts on this topic. Further, the respect and trust we have for one another can be deepened as a result of these debriefs.

Concluding Thoughts: The CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) tool provides the science behind many of the conflicts that happen and it has become a valuable resource to many. It is worthwhile to note that the effectiveness of a tool is largely dependent on how a person uses it. The tool is only powerful in conflict resolution when an individual truly values the relationship and genuinely seeks for a resolution.   

Why Complementary Partnerships Do Not Always Work

Extreme cold burns. When we hold an ice cube tightly in our hand, we can feel the burning effect on our skin. This picture illustrates the danger of being overly biased towards a particular viewpoint, to the extent of ignoring other perspectives. That was the pain I faced for oversubscribing to the idea of complementary partnership. Through the therapy sessions I attended together with my wife, I also gained awareness that there was another side of the coin. The therapist named the two sides: "Complementary and Reciprocity”.

Complementary and Reciprocity Polarity

Around the same time, I went through a course called “Polarity Thinking”. What are polarities, you might ask? Polarities are inter-dependent and seemingly opposite choices or actions. One simple example of a polarity is inhaling and exhaling. Putting two and two together, I reflected and realized that Complementary and Reciprocity is a polarity. This article is about my assessment of this polarity and the learnings I have gained from trying to deal more effectively with the tension presented.

Let me first describe what happened before I share my personal assessment of how I understood this polarity.

Complementary Dynamic

My marriage partnership works in a particular way. My wife and I have our own assessment of each other's strengths and we tend to negotiate the tasks we have to do through these lens. These tasks can range from putting the kids to bed to bathing the kids to buying groceries and ensuring the kids have done their homework. The ownership of these some of the tasks are negotiated and agreed upon verbally. Sometimes, certain tasks are initiated by one party (usually the one who is stronger in that area) who identifies the need to step up and complete the task. Usually, the one who initiates the task will also end up being responsible for the task if it recurs over time. This is an unspoken expectation in our partnership.

What I just described is a complementary partnership. It is a kind of mindset that adopts a strengths-based approach: the belief that when people operate from a place of strengths, the results are far better than when people operate out of weaknesses. Individuals are usually seen as specialists.

The Tension

This approach seemed great initially because it produced results. However, there was an increasing number of conflicts in our marriage which also seemed to suggest that not all was well. Over the course of time, because of different levels of stress that resulted from the work front, we both began to feel the burden of managing our home. Our family size had also grown and there were a greater number of shared responsibilities. There were days when the resulting stress from work and from home caused either one of us to feel a huge level of burden. On such days, there was a deep desire of wanting the other person to understand the challenges faced and the sacrifices endured to carry out and complete the responsibilities at home.

Such a desire, however, did not align with the complementary mindset (where individuals are responsible for their own tasks and had little understanding and possibly empathy about the challenges and stress that came from tasks that belonged to other parties). The resulting anxiety from the increased stress usually bubbled over into conflicts. New narratives started to develop in our minds: “Why are you not helping me? Why do you leave me to fend for myself? I feel very lonely in this journey."

Sometimes, the other party tries to help. However, since he/she is not good at the task, the results unfortunately are usually compromised. This is expected since the person handling the task lacks competency and experience. In this scenario, another kind of conflict happens as a result:

Person A: "You seemed to be causing more harm than good. I’m now more stressed than before you took over the tasks. In future, I will be better off doing these tasks myself.”

Person B: “I’m trying my best to help you with these tasks so that your stress can be reduced. I’m learning to do these things that I am greatly lacking in skills and experience. I have no intention to cause any trouble. Why can’t you see that I’m trying my best effort to care for you?”

From a sense of helplessness, the emotion soon became one of frustration and anger. Over time, it became a sense of resignation. These emotion were very real and were felt deeply by both of us.

The Reciprocity Dynamic

The above narrative shows that we attempted to shift (albeit compelled by circumstances) towards the reciprocity dynamic from the complementary dynamic. The reciprocity dynamic (in my assessment) adopts a different kind of mindset: individuals should be well-rounded and have the ability to learn and execute any task. Tasks are mutually inter-changeable. Individuals are seen more as generalists. This dynamic usually empowers individuals to switch roles easily and create the ability to empathize with each other’s challenges. In our case, reciprocity means the ability to take on and execute the tasks that usually the spouse is responsible for and meeting the required expectations. Because of our biases toward the complementary dynamic, you can imagine the struggle for us to adapt to the reciprocity dynamic.

Navigating Polarities

The navigation of polarities first starts by acknowledging that the 2 seemingly opposite ends are quite inter-dependent. In life, because of the different seasons brought about by external changes (such as having a newborn, changing of jobs etc), there is usually a cyclical flow from one end to the other and back. A bias toward one side naturally means there is a resistance when there is a need to shift. The pain and grief produced is often a result of the resistance.

How can we navigate polarities effectively?

1. We need to be aware of the specific polarity and understand the benefits brought about by both perspectives. Naming the polarity is therefore critical. The therapy session gave this polarity a name and helped my wife and I to gain awareness. From the awareness, we now understand the reciprocity dynamic and the key benefits from operating from that approach when necessary.

2. There is a need to move past an “either/or” understanding and create a space in which “both/and” thinking can be applied. This is the management of polarities. In my personal context, this is about creating a space where both complementary and reciprocity can be applied to my marriage.

3. We needed to be intentional in creating opportunities to recreate the cyclical flow (with smaller stakes and therefore less risky implementation). Let me give you an example:

Imagine that my wife plans a short 3 days 2 nights getaway for herself. This vacation can actually become a way to execute a short and manageable shift towards the reciprocity dynamic in our marriage. One of the things I can do is to work out ways in which I can take on her responsibilities while she is away. I can try to do this in advance, rather than trying to find external help in order to outsource all her responsibilities. I can also sit down with her and understand what needs to happen, observe her carry out the tasks and learn from her. Concurrently, she can also learn to impart what she is naturally good at, which would allow me to learn on-the-job and gain experience in fulfilling the task well. If the focus is on imparting for her and learning for me, the result of the task is secondary and less stressful. Both actions by each of us produce a manageable and temporary adoption of the reciprocity dynamic. Eventually, the vacation will come to an end and the flow from reciprocity will shift back towards the complementary. However, the result of such a process is that both parties would have increased their capacity (or range) to navigate this polarity more effectively.

READ: CliftonStrengths - Complementary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairs

Conclusion:

There are many polarities that are actually not extreme opposites, unlike what the world has us believe. They are inter-dependent and both yield benefits in different seasons. This ability to navigate polarities is increasingly needed and I’m personally glad to have learnt how to navigate this particular polarity with greater effectiveness.

**To married couples: In the trending “work from home” arrangements, how about trying some “reciprocity”? Learn / Do something that is usually done by your spouse and have some conversations around these tasks. Might be interesting…

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Discovering Each Other's Best

As a former Youth Pastor, I have spoken to many young people on a very common topic: how to navigate through challenges in Boy-Girl Relationships (BGR) and courtships. When many young people enter into a courtship or relationship, they are often also in a developmental stage of life and growing in maturity. Navigating through challenges in a courtship often takes a toil emotionally and mentally. Many young people often found out after they enter into such a relationship, that differences in personality can be both a blessing or a snare. Much depends on the ability and maturity to manage these differences. 

I interviewed a couple, Samuel Lee and Gloria Pang, while they were in the midst of courtship. They were people who actively sought counsel from mentors, surrounded themselves with peers who can offer them encouragements and looked out for tools that can help them strengthen their relationships. 

One of the tools that Samuel and Gloria actively use is the CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) tool. They both believe in using the tool as a a means to discover the best of each another. As they used the CliftonStrengths tool for over a year and actively had different conversations (often deep ones) over each other’s strengths, they experienced different benefits on their relationship. When I invited them to share with others their experiences, they graciously agreed. Before we begin, they will like to add some comments about this interview.

• This interview is about how they use the CliftonStrengths tool to grow their relationship. They believe that the tool must be aligned to common values and a commitment and accountability to each other.

• This interview is about how they used the CliftonStrengths tool effectively while continuing to leverage other means to strengthen their relationship. The tool remains one of the different means towards their desired outcome of a strong relationship.

Let’s read what they have to say!

1. How do you feel when you first saw each other's top 5? 

S: Honestly, I felt slightly discouraged initially because of how different our strengths were like (Hahahaha). It was quite obvious as well because we were both accessing the StrengthsFinder App on our phones and the colours shown were so different! They were just the opposite – Purple and Blue (for Gloria) vs Yellow and Red (for mine). I realized our strengths are in so different domains. After reading through her Strengths descriptions, I realized that the CliftonStrengths tool had come up with a language for me to articulate things about Gloria that I knew intuitively but did not know how to articulate or describe.

G: Daunted! I think I didn’t understand the magnitude of us being created and wired so differently until we talked about it at length on various occasions. While the initial reaction was feeling daunted by the implications, I also believe that there is strength and something exciting about diversity. 

2. Out of your partner's top 5 talents, which do you feel often stands out in the relationship and has been a blessing to you? 

S: Gloria’s Relator. Definitely. I think her Relator theme is what helps our relationship grow deeper continuously. I often feel like she’s the safest person I can share things, knowing that she values deep sharing. She also responds well to all my sharing because she understands my feelings intuitively without me needing to elaborate much. We often spend hours talking about everything and anything from my work, our pasts or our dreams.

Being her boyfriend, I enjoy her prioritizing our relationship above many of her other important things and it gives me a sense of joy knowing that our connection grows stronger each day. She also gives me a sense of closeness and I have discovered that the way she trusts me has been a really huge blessing.

G: Probably Sam's Futuristic (watch this Futuristic video done by Samuel) and Strategic talent themes! His Futuristic theme means that he thinks and plans for the future as well as paints positive pictures of what the future can look like. His Strategic theme shows him different options and ways to achieve something. So in our relationship, if we feel stuck or might not have a solution to something, his Strategic theme allows him to think of many options and find the best one that will be most beneficial for us. 

3. What did you discover about each other after taking the Strengthsfinder assessment that you did not previously know?

S: Hahahaha, I think we both discovered that differences did not mean we would necessarily live in conflict and unhappiness but that we could live complementing each other and enjoying the fruits of having 10 different dominant CliftonStrengths themes!

I began to realize that she was someone who viewed the world rather differently from me through her Responsibility theme. Her description says that driven by her talents she would naturally have high standards for whatever she is tasked with and that she would not rest till she had completed the duty given to her. She also would more than likely say yes to new tasks given to her to perform.

That was something we initially had discussions about because I did not understand why despite her schedule being packed as it was, she would still say yes to doing things for people. We had a good talk about it afterwards. I realized that I need to understand that her heart is to do things for the people she loves. This is something I have gotten used to.

I think one of the takeaways for her was realizing that when I talked about the future, I wasn’t just daydreaming but I was really casting a vision. I love giving hope to people (including her) about what the future could be like. Upon realizing I had the ‘Futuristic’ theme, she started being more open to the future plans I have envisioned and shared with her. Because of my Maximizer and Activator theme as well, she realized that these “future plans” can actually become a real possibility.

G: I guess that we are really truly different? Like the lens through which we view the world can be quite different, as well as the way we process, interpret things, what we think about, what we intrinsically value and are excited or energised by. 

4. Which of your talent themes often clash and contribute to the conflicts between the both of you? How did you try to resolve these conflicts? 

S: Initially, my Maximizer theme and her Developer theme would clash often and contribute to conflicts. As leaders serving together in our church youth ministry, while I was focused on choosing the best people for a certain role and job, she would often see the opportunity to grow people. At times we would have differences over how we viewed people because of these two themes. Admittedly though, those arguments have helped both our Maximizer and Developer themes mature.

The other way these two themes clashed was in our behaviours. As a Maximizer, I was a lot more impatient with tasks given because I desired to do things the best way and get great results. For her as a Developer, she was rather patient and knew that things needed time and the people we were mentoring needed time to grow and become better at what they are doing.

We resolved these conflicts by firstly acknowledging that no strength was better than the other and we chose to seek to understand each other’s strengths first. After which we would use our other Strengths to help resolve our differences. For example, whenever there was a time crunch, Gloria would realize that by using her Responsibility theme, the right thing to do would be to get the things done quickly. That will align with my Maximizer and Activator themes. However, if we were looking at a long term project, by using my Futuristic theme, I would understand that growing people and being patient with group members or mentees would require time. This will help align me to her Developer theme.

G: Possibly his Maximizer and my Developer! I think his Maximizer theme often compels him to focus on the best or in achieving the best. At times, that makes me feel that our progress or growth in our relationship is insufficient (which is contrary to the lens of the developer talent). At times, I will misunderstand his Maximizer lens and think that he has a constant discontentment with our relationship. That would also imply and made me feel inadequate in this relationship. 

5. Which strengths do you think you can intentionally leverage more for the strengthening of this relationship? 

S: I think my honest answer would be all the strength we have! But if I have to pick one, I would pick the Strategic theme! In the face of problems and obstacles, I have found that my ability to think outside the box and find alternative solutions helps us to not feel like we are trapped. Through the Strategic theme, I can see the path that would lead us to success and I will discard options that are less useful so that in confusion or crisis, we can still move forward!

G: Relator and Belief themes, I think my Relator theme allows us to build depth in our relationship. My Belief theme helps me by developing new convictions and values in the way I relate to Sam. This can be about relationships in general, or through learning new things about each other in ways that could be powerful. For example, a belief that conflict resolution rather than evasion is important for the relationships allows me to overcome my preference for the latter while honouring Sam’s preference for the former (and an overall strengthening of the relationship). 

I think I can harness my Developer theme more as well to move beyond merely recognizing the good and progress in our relationship, to communicating the progress. The communication of our progress can be a source of encouragement and affirmation to the both of us. 

6. You went through a CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) workshop session. How did you benefit from the workshop?

S:  I think the workshop was particularly enriching because it helped Gloria and I get to know each other more. Often, misunderstandings happen. To help realize that both persons are actually desiring the same outcome, the knowledge of how both persons are wired is essential! As our StrengthsFinder Coach, you provided a safe environment for couples to explore questions and dialogues that helped a lot. One of the things we learnt was our peak experiences (situations that we used all 5 of our dominant strengths for a situation and experienced great success). Hearing Gloria shared about what brought her fulfilment made me realized that I did not understand her CliftonStrengths themes and I had sometimes unintentionally poured cold water on something she was celebrating. That exercise was fun and simple yet deep and insightful! I would highly encourage the CliftonStrengths workshop to all couples!

READ: USING STRENGTHSFINDER FOR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

G: I think the workshop was not just useful for me to understand my partner, but also to know learn how my strengths can be used to be a blessing to each other! I found the workshop very good! 

Concluding thoughts: One of the key reasons why the CliftonStrengths tool worked powerfully for Samuel and Gloria was because of the intentional way they used the tool for conversations. Those conversations helped to steer their relationships towards growth. I hope as you read about the benefits through this simple interview, you too can be personally encouraged and challenged to have deep strengths conversations with your partner. 

Contact me if you are interested to find out more about Couple Coaching.

Written by Victor Seet

CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Relationship Building Domain - A Pair of Singaporean Siblings

Through Gallup's research on the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) assessment, it has been found that for two persons to have the same top 5 CliftonStrengths themes, the probability is about 1 in 278,000. Gallup has also sorted the 34 CliftonStrengths Themes into 4 distinct domains of leadership strength. The domains are: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building and Strategic Thinking. The categories are designed to help leaders think better about how different individuals can contribute effectively to a team.

There was a pair of siblings who discovered they both had the same top 5 themes after they have completed their CliftonStrengths assessment. What is even more astonishing is that both of them had all 5 of their themes in the Relationship Domain, a rare combination of strengths found in the world. While each person is unique and different, we as researchers, are curious to discover how people who are very relational, think and behave. We decided to interview and speak to this pair of siblings from Singapore, Angeline and Pamela Ngui, who are 4 years apart.

READ: 8 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT LEADERSHIP DOMAINS

1) WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR TOP 5 STRENGTHS THEMES ARE ALL FROM THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?

A: I felt quite concerned.. Why do all my strengths fall into the blue category? Am I a loser in all the other domains? Is this normal?? I was quite disappointed I guess. My strengths didn’t sound that special to me - “Positivity is a strength? All that’s saying is that I’m good at being an optimist..”, “Empathy? Anyone can have empathy. It’s hardwired into us!”

But it’s alright. After learning more about what my strengths are actually about, I grew to be more comfortable with identifying with them. It’s always interesting to realize how I can link my behaviours and attitudes to the themes I have. (I have yet to unlock the rest of my CliftonStrengths themes and I'm curious to find out what my my top non-blue strength will be)!

P: I was surprised!! I didn't see these 5 as strengths before but I thought it was so cool that I could relate to everything the CliftonStrengths report said!

Honestly, I used to feel like I didn’t really have the strengths that will help me excel because I would see other themes like discipline, responsibility and communication as those that were valued highly, especially in the Singapore schools. And I felt that I lacked a lot in these areas. But I started to realize that my strengths are more than what the world would value. Discovering that my top 5 Strengths themes were all in the relationship building domain has helped me to understand myself a lot better! 

2) WHICH OF YOUR TOP 5 ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? WHY?

A: I am most proud of my Includer theme. I like that I can usually read social situations to identify the people who could be feeling a bit left out in a group. When I can do something to make that person feel slightly more comfortable, it feels great. I realized it’s something I’ve always felt strongly about. I like how Gallup puts it - “[Your accepting nature] rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important, thus, no one should be ignored.”

I think this extends to my attitude to a lot of other things in life, like being receptive to new things or ideas and not being closed-minded or inflexible. I take pride in being approachable like that. 

P: I'm proud of Positivity because I'm able to encourage people! I enjoy being able to uncover the potential in people and to see the value in people and things. It brings me joy seeing others happy and fulfilled. I feel that Positivity allows me to appreciate and celebrate the small things in life and to be able to share with others this kind of joy too!

Having Positivity also encourages me to go on when things get challenging! It gives me the mind-set that it will be alright if I try. Having the Positivity theme allows me to see the positive outcomes that can come from the challenges I face. Having Positivity pushes me to improve and try new things.

3) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WORDS THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE USED TO DESCRIBE YOU?

A: “You’re good at listening”, “You make people feel appreciated”, “You’re really supportive” - these are some of the things my close friends have said to me. 

P: Friendly, patient and kind. I think people say that I'm friendly because I enjoy meeting new people and finding out more about them. I find it exciting to know more about other people. I think my friends say I'm patient and kind because I like to help others and be there for them. I enjoy listening and spending time with people. I’m someone who would readily help people because I find joy in doing so. Seeing others encouraged and happy makes me feel happy as well.

4) COMPLETE THE SENTENCE. FRIENDSHIP TO ME IS LIKE_________ 

A: taking redbull? Being around people I like energizes me even when I’m dead tired. Friendship to me is also like warming up in a blanket after being rescued from drowning (in loneliness).

P: a treasure chest? Digging up the treasure chest is like starting a friendship – it requires effort. You discover something precious when you continue digging until you find the treasure. And there is something different in each treasure chest. I find friendships precious because I feel that everyone is unique and each friendship allows me to explore more about each person. But friendship also requires effort on both parts - they rely on you for backup just as you depend on them for help. Friends are also there for you to help you grow and to be there for you when you need them. Without my friends who guided me throughout my life, I wouldn't be close to where I am today. As such, I cherish my friendships greatly.

5) HOW DID SOME OF YOUR TOP 5 THEMES HELP YOU TO EXCEL IN SCHOOL? GIVE SOME EXAMPLES.

A: I think having Adaptability helps me a lot in school work. There have been too many times where I would be working on an important project, and a spanner would be thrown into the works, whether it's at a crucial moment or not. I find that usually I don't get stressed about the change in plans but I'm able to focus on what next needs to be done. This has helped me keep cool-headed when everyone around me might be panicking!

P: I just graduated from a junior college in Singapore. During that period, it was extremely stressful. But I think my Positivity theme helped me to go on with a positive mind-set that "I can do it if I try". It spurred me on to work harder to achieve my goals. Every time I was met with a setback, I would tell myself that I just had to try harder. I also saw studying as something enjoyable instead of how I used to see it - as a chore. I felt I could learn so much more from studying too - learning to be more disciplined, to plan my time well.

My other themes like Includer, Developer and Empathy, made me want to look out for my friends and help them too. I always liked to help my friends with anything that they needed help in. That encouraged me to study harder to know my subjects well so I could also teach my friends and impart to them the stuff I know.

READ: SPEED-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION

6) USING YOUR TOP 5, DESCRIBE THE KIND OF LEADER YOU THINK YOU ARE?

A: I don’t know how to command a room’s attention, or put up overt displays of dominance, or the other things that people think leaders typically do. I’d much prefer being on the ground, influencing people through my relationships with them. I think I would be quite invested in each person’s progress, wanting to give advice on how to do things in the most efficient manner, or discussing the best way to go about our tasks. With every person, I’d also try my best to listen to them intently, make sure I’m fully present, to appreciate them in that way.

P: I think I'm a leader who would look out for the needs of the people first - to make sure that everyone is doing alright. I feel that it’s important that no one is left out and that everyone’s voice is heard. And I enjoy hearing the different perspectives from people. 

I like getting to know each individual personally too because I find every person unique. I feel that knowing the people is important as you learn how the people feel and see things in their perspective as well rather than only from a leader’s perspective. Knowing the people, I feel like I’m able to see the potential in them and try to bring that out in them.

7) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE INITIAL THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAD WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR SISTER HAS THE SAME TOP 5 STRENGTHS AS YOU AND ALL 5 ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?

A: My first thoughts are "Hahaha. That’s so crazy!! Impossible.” I still find it really interesting and pretty amusing that our top 5 are the same. We keep joking to each other that we’re the same person, or that we’re the actual twins in the family (we have 13-year-old sisters who are twins). When I think about who I know Pam to be though, I guess I’m not very surprised that those are her strengths. Pam’s very good at being a friend to people - she has so many people who are fond of her! Now when I think about her strengths though, I realized that they’ve always been so apparent in her daily life! It’s very easy to pick them out even if you’re only just getting to know her.

P: I was really surprised!!! I always thought that my sister and I were quite different but it turns out maybe we are quite similar on the inside?? I never thought we would have the same strengths but only after this, I realized that we might think in a similar way! But I also realized that although we have the same strengths, my sister and I show our strengths quite differently and our same strengths work in a different way. 

8) EVEN THOUGH IT CANNOT BE PROVEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE SOME OF THE FACTORS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO BOTH OF YOU BEING ALL "BLUE" AND HAVING THE SAME TOP 5?

A: Hmm I have no idea actually! We didn’t grow up doing a lot of things together and I wouldn’t say that we were exposed to very similar things growing up. My guess is that it’s partly genetic. Maybe our parents brought us to all their social gatherings when we were young, throwing us into social situations right from the cradle haha. We’re both introverts though, so perhaps it’s not so much being put in social situations but rather it’s probably partly due to our mom’s special nurturing touch as well. Thanks Mom, xoxo!

P: I think maybe it's because of the way we’ve been raised and as we’ve grown up together here in Singapore. Also, I've been influenced greatly by my older sister because I’ve always looked up to her. It could also be that since we are the older siblings in a family of five kids, we feel like I should look out for them which grew our relational side. And I think we grew up in an environment where family and relationships are important and being constantly surrounded by people may explain why we’re all “blue”.

Concluding thoughts: Many who are very relational often struggle to believe that their CliftonStrengths themes are talents to begin with. It seems like many of them feel that society often projects an image that certain "strengths" are more valued and these are certainly not the relational ones. However, it is also getting more evident that many organizations (evidently seen in Singapore) have teams that are not performing well and more people are leaving their jobs because of the lack of concern and care by managers and fellow teammates. Teams that thrive, often have strong team members, who use their relational strengths powerfully to glue the team together. It is also often the relationally stronger ones who lift up the morale of others in the team. It is therefore important that each of us start to appreciate in a greater measure that those who dominate the relationship building domain are the ones who really have the "heart". Their desire to love and care makes a big difference in this world!

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command