Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages
What if understanding your spouse's top CliftonStrengths could completely reframe the behaviours that frustrate you most? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet shares how this tool transformed communication in his own marriage and how it can do the same for yours.
One of the key benefits of the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) tool is that of building better quality relationships. Using CliftonStrengths, each individual identifies his or her dominant talent themes. With that knowledge, individuals can understand their natural recurring patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour.
Conflicts between people usually arise when people impose their natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on others. Most of the time, this occurs without an individual’s awareness. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths tool to help couples build greater understanding of each other's lenses and to facilitate conversations that will improve the quality of relationships. A marriage relationship is very intense. The trust and quality of relationship takes a lot of time to strengthen. In Singapore, When I run strengths workshop for couples, seeing how the faces of the couples light up has been immensely rewarding!
The passion to conduct these relationship workshops arose out of the transformation of my own marriage. Michelle and I have been married for over 18 years. In these years, there certainly have been challenges. My dominant themes are Activator, Communication, Strategic, Self-Assurance and Command. Michelle’s dominant themes are Responsibility, Achiever, Maximizer, Ideation and Relator. We have very contrasting themes and often our natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving created conflicts.
How do we use this tool in a practical way to grow our marriage?
Using the CliftonStrengths tool, we first try to have conversations that seek to understand each other’s dominant themes. Understanding each other's tendency to think, feel and behave helped us acquire a heightened level of patience. There were many paradigm shifts that took place in this process. Here, I list 5 examples:
1. GETTING THINGS DONE:
There is usually a to-do list stuck on the fridge. Unsurprisingly, these lists were generated by Michelle. These to-do lists are not just for herself - there is also a list for me! Upon understanding her Achiever talent theme, I realized that when a task is completed for her, there is a huge level of satisfaction for her. Because of this new understanding, I engage my Activator theme, which is the ability to take action quickly, to finish the tasks that are required. I used to procrastinate and Michelle gets upset and frustrated. The new motivation to get these tasks done stems from the desire to love and serve her.
2. UNDERSTANDING OWNERSHIP
"Apologies are not enough. Rationalizations and excuses are not acceptable”. These words came out of the description of the Gallup CliftonStrengths Responsibility theme. For me, this was a great revelation! What was a minor mistake or an careless act often escalated into a huge conflict. Discussing this theme allowed us to make adjustments on both ends. She agreed to be more gracious towards my slip ups. She also chooses to now take note and be more affirming of the many tasks I have completed. What used to be a “this is expected of you!” has now changed to a “thank you for doing these”. I also took note of the fact that her psychological ownership is higher than an average person and I’m now more careful to avoid making empty promises to her.
READ: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS
3. DECISION MAKING
My Activator theme often clashed with her Responsibility theme. My Activator says “Taking action is better than no action at all” while her Responsibility and Deliberative says “Doing nothing is better than doing something wrong”. These contrasting thoughts often brought conflicts during decision making especially in areas where much uncertainties lie. Discussions in this area have helped us to understand each other better. We decided not to change one another but to find areas of common ground. We agreed on some specific areas of decisions where I will submit to her suggestions and vice versa. These handles have hugely reduced our conflicts.
4. PROVIDING OPTIONS
Michelle now understands that my Strategic theme enjoys having options. Killing off options at the start of any discussions is a big no-no for me. Giving me options to choose from was a powerful way of communicating with me. From deciding what to do on a weekend to deciding what to have for meals, giving me different alternatives makes me feel valued.
5. SERVING TOGETHER
As a Relator and with the Achiever and Responsibility theme, Michelle enjoys being involved and doing things together with me. I learnt to make her feel more valued by finding opportunities for us to work together. One of the things we intentionally do is to mentor other younger couples. We also serve together in a Singapore local church in by co-facilitating a small group. I also try to involve her in my work by tapping on her Ideation for fresh and innovative ways.
While I can list down more transforming paradigms that strengthen our marriage and the new ways we found in engaging each other, I’m very mindful that this marriage relationship is still work in progress. We cannot grow complacent. Open communication to build trust and mutual respect continues to be fundamental for us. We are thankful that we discovered a tool and now possess a weapon that helps to strengthen our bond as husband and wife. We continue to use the CliftonStrengths as a conversation tool to help us understand each other and resolve conflicts.
How is the relationship with your spouse or partner? Consider using the CliftonStrengths tool as a means to improve and strengthen your relationships.
Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:
Want to explore how CliftonStrengths can strengthen your relationship? Learn about Victor's Couple Programs here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Relationship Building Domain - A Pair of Singaporean Siblings
How similar or different are you from your sibling? Meet a pair of siblings in Singapore who not just have the same top 5 strengths but also have all of their top 5 in the relationship building domain. Singapore Strengthsfinder Gallup Certified Coach, Victor Seet, conducts an interview with both Angeline and Pamela to hear their stories.
Through Gallup's research on the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) assessment, it has been found that for two persons to have the same top 5 CliftonStrengths themes, the probability is about 1 in 278,000. Gallup has also sorted the 34 CliftonStrengths Themes into 4 distinct domains of leadership strength. The domains are: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building and Strategic Thinking. The categories are designed to help leaders think better about how different individuals can contribute effectively to a team.
There was a pair of siblings who discovered they both had the same top 5 themes after they have completed their CliftonStrengths assessment. What is even more astonishing is that both of them had all 5 of their themes in the Relationship Domain, a rare combination of strengths found in the world. While each person is unique and different, we as researchers, are curious to discover how people who are very relational, think and behave. We decided to interview and speak to this pair of siblings from Singapore, Angeline and Pamela Ngui, who are 4 years apart.
READ: 8 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT LEADERSHIP DOMAINS
1) WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR TOP 5 STRENGTHS THEMES ARE ALL FROM THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?
A: I felt quite concerned.. Why do all my strengths fall into the blue category? Am I a loser in all the other domains? Is this normal?? I was quite disappointed I guess. My strengths didn’t sound that special to me - “Positivity is a strength? All that’s saying is that I’m good at being an optimist..”, “Empathy? Anyone can have empathy. It’s hardwired into us!”
But it’s alright. After learning more about what my strengths are actually about, I grew to be more comfortable with identifying with them. It’s always interesting to realize how I can link my behaviours and attitudes to the themes I have. (I have yet to unlock the rest of my CliftonStrengths themes and I'm curious to find out what my my top non-blue strength will be)!
P: I was surprised!! I didn't see these 5 as strengths before but I thought it was so cool that I could relate to everything the CliftonStrengths report said!
Honestly, I used to feel like I didn’t really have the strengths that will help me excel because I would see other themes like discipline, responsibility and communication as those that were valued highly, especially in the Singapore schools. And I felt that I lacked a lot in these areas. But I started to realize that my strengths are more than what the world would value. Discovering that my top 5 Strengths themes were all in the relationship building domain has helped me to understand myself a lot better!
2) WHICH OF YOUR TOP 5 ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? WHY?
A: I am most proud of my Includer theme. I like that I can usually read social situations to identify the people who could be feeling a bit left out in a group. When I can do something to make that person feel slightly more comfortable, it feels great. I realized it’s something I’ve always felt strongly about. I like how Gallup puts it - “[Your accepting nature] rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important, thus, no one should be ignored.”
I think this extends to my attitude to a lot of other things in life, like being receptive to new things or ideas and not being closed-minded or inflexible. I take pride in being approachable like that.
P: I'm proud of Positivity because I'm able to encourage people! I enjoy being able to uncover the potential in people and to see the value in people and things. It brings me joy seeing others happy and fulfilled. I feel that Positivity allows me to appreciate and celebrate the small things in life and to be able to share with others this kind of joy too!
Having Positivity also encourages me to go on when things get challenging! It gives me the mind-set that it will be alright if I try. Having the Positivity theme allows me to see the positive outcomes that can come from the challenges I face. Having Positivity pushes me to improve and try new things.
3) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WORDS THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE USED TO DESCRIBE YOU?
A: “You’re good at listening”, “You make people feel appreciated”, “You’re really supportive” - these are some of the things my close friends have said to me.
P: Friendly, patient and kind. I think people say that I'm friendly because I enjoy meeting new people and finding out more about them. I find it exciting to know more about other people. I think my friends say I'm patient and kind because I like to help others and be there for them. I enjoy listening and spending time with people. I’m someone who would readily help people because I find joy in doing so. Seeing others encouraged and happy makes me feel happy as well.
4) COMPLETE THE SENTENCE. FRIENDSHIP TO ME IS LIKE_________
A: taking redbull? Being around people I like energizes me even when I’m dead tired. Friendship to me is also like warming up in a blanket after being rescued from drowning (in loneliness).
P: a treasure chest? Digging up the treasure chest is like starting a friendship – it requires effort. You discover something precious when you continue digging until you find the treasure. And there is something different in each treasure chest. I find friendships precious because I feel that everyone is unique and each friendship allows me to explore more about each person. But friendship also requires effort on both parts - they rely on you for backup just as you depend on them for help. Friends are also there for you to help you grow and to be there for you when you need them. Without my friends who guided me throughout my life, I wouldn't be close to where I am today. As such, I cherish my friendships greatly.
5) HOW DID SOME OF YOUR TOP 5 THEMES HELP YOU TO EXCEL IN SCHOOL? GIVE SOME EXAMPLES.
A: I think having Adaptability helps me a lot in school work. There have been too many times where I would be working on an important project, and a spanner would be thrown into the works, whether it's at a crucial moment or not. I find that usually I don't get stressed about the change in plans but I'm able to focus on what next needs to be done. This has helped me keep cool-headed when everyone around me might be panicking!
P: I just graduated from a junior college in Singapore. During that period, it was extremely stressful. But I think my Positivity theme helped me to go on with a positive mind-set that "I can do it if I try". It spurred me on to work harder to achieve my goals. Every time I was met with a setback, I would tell myself that I just had to try harder. I also saw studying as something enjoyable instead of how I used to see it - as a chore. I felt I could learn so much more from studying too - learning to be more disciplined, to plan my time well.
My other themes like Includer, Developer and Empathy, made me want to look out for my friends and help them too. I always liked to help my friends with anything that they needed help in. That encouraged me to study harder to know my subjects well so I could also teach my friends and impart to them the stuff I know.
READ: SPEED-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION
6) USING YOUR TOP 5, DESCRIBE THE KIND OF LEADER YOU THINK YOU ARE?
A: I don’t know how to command a room’s attention, or put up overt displays of dominance, or the other things that people think leaders typically do. I’d much prefer being on the ground, influencing people through my relationships with them. I think I would be quite invested in each person’s progress, wanting to give advice on how to do things in the most efficient manner, or discussing the best way to go about our tasks. With every person, I’d also try my best to listen to them intently, make sure I’m fully present, to appreciate them in that way.
P: I think I'm a leader who would look out for the needs of the people first - to make sure that everyone is doing alright. I feel that it’s important that no one is left out and that everyone’s voice is heard. And I enjoy hearing the different perspectives from people.
I like getting to know each individual personally too because I find every person unique. I feel that knowing the people is important as you learn how the people feel and see things in their perspective as well rather than only from a leader’s perspective. Knowing the people, I feel like I’m able to see the potential in them and try to bring that out in them.
7) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE INITIAL THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAD WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR SISTER HAS THE SAME TOP 5 STRENGTHS AS YOU AND ALL 5 ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?
A: My first thoughts are "Hahaha. That’s so crazy!! Impossible.” I still find it really interesting and pretty amusing that our top 5 are the same. We keep joking to each other that we’re the same person, or that we’re the actual twins in the family (we have 13-year-old sisters who are twins). When I think about who I know Pam to be though, I guess I’m not very surprised that those are her strengths. Pam’s very good at being a friend to people - she has so many people who are fond of her! Now when I think about her strengths though, I realized that they’ve always been so apparent in her daily life! It’s very easy to pick them out even if you’re only just getting to know her.
P: I was really surprised!!! I always thought that my sister and I were quite different but it turns out maybe we are quite similar on the inside?? I never thought we would have the same strengths but only after this, I realized that we might think in a similar way! But I also realized that although we have the same strengths, my sister and I show our strengths quite differently and our same strengths work in a different way.
8) EVEN THOUGH IT CANNOT BE PROVEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE SOME OF THE FACTORS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO BOTH OF YOU BEING ALL "BLUE" AND HAVING THE SAME TOP 5?
A: Hmm I have no idea actually! We didn’t grow up doing a lot of things together and I wouldn’t say that we were exposed to very similar things growing up. My guess is that it’s partly genetic. Maybe our parents brought us to all their social gatherings when we were young, throwing us into social situations right from the cradle haha. We’re both introverts though, so perhaps it’s not so much being put in social situations but rather it’s probably partly due to our mom’s special nurturing touch as well. Thanks Mom, xoxo!
P: I think maybe it's because of the way we’ve been raised and as we’ve grown up together here in Singapore. Also, I've been influenced greatly by my older sister because I’ve always looked up to her. It could also be that since we are the older siblings in a family of five kids, we feel like I should look out for them which grew our relational side. And I think we grew up in an environment where family and relationships are important and being constantly surrounded by people may explain why we’re all “blue”.
Concluding thoughts: Many who are very relational often struggle to believe that their CliftonStrengths themes are talents to begin with. It seems like many of them feel that society often projects an image that certain "strengths" are more valued and these are certainly not the relational ones. However, it is also getting more evident that many organizations (evidently seen in Singapore) have teams that are not performing well and more people are leaving their jobs because of the lack of concern and care by managers and fellow teammates. Teams that thrive, often have strong team members, who use their relational strengths powerfully to glue the team together. It is also often the relationally stronger ones who lift up the morale of others in the team. It is therefore important that each of us start to appreciate in a greater measure that those who dominate the relationship building domain are the ones who really have the "heart". Their desire to love and care makes a big difference in this world!
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command