Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

One of the key benefits of the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) tool is that of building better quality relationships. Using CliftonStrengths, each individual identifies his or her dominant talent themes. With that knowledge, individuals can understand their natural recurring patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour.

Conflicts between people usually arise when people impose their natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on others. Most of the time, this occurs without an individual’s awareness. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths tool to help couples build greater understanding of each other's lenses and to facilitate conversations that will improve the quality of relationships. A marriage relationship is very intense. The trust and quality of relationship takes a lot of time to strengthen. In Singapore, When I run strengths workshop for couples, seeing how the faces of the couples light up has been immensely rewarding! 

The passion to conduct these relationship workshops arose out of the transformation of my own marriage. Michelle and I have been married for over 18 years. In these years, there certainly have been challenges. My dominant themes are Activator, Communication, Strategic, Self-Assurance and Command. Michelle’s dominant themes are Responsibility, Achiever, Maximizer, Ideation and Relator. We have very contrasting themes and often our natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving created conflicts. 

How do we use this tool in a practical way to grow our marriage?

Using the CliftonStrengths tool, we first try to have conversations that seek to understand each other’s dominant themes. Understanding each other's tendency to think, feel and behave helped us acquire a heightened level of patience. There were many paradigm shifts that took place in this process. Here, I list 5 examples:

1. GETTING THINGS DONE:

There is usually a to-do list stuck on the fridge. Unsurprisingly, these lists were generated by Michelle. These to-do lists are not just for herself - there is also a list for me! Upon understanding her Achiever talent theme, I realized that when a task is completed for her, there is a huge level of satisfaction for her. Because of this new understanding, I engage my Activator theme, which is the ability to take action quickly, to finish the tasks that are required. I used to procrastinate and Michelle gets upset and frustrated. The new motivation to get these tasks done stems from the desire to love and serve her.

2. UNDERSTANDING OWNERSHIP

"Apologies are not enough. Rationalizations and excuses are not acceptable”. These words came out of the description of the Gallup CliftonStrengths Responsibility theme. For me, this was a great revelation! What was a minor mistake or an careless act often escalated into a huge conflict. Discussing this theme allowed us to make adjustments on both ends. She agreed to be more gracious towards my slip ups. She also chooses to now take note and be more affirming of the many tasks I have completed. What used to be a “this is expected of you!” has now changed to a “thank you for doing these”. I also took note of the fact that her psychological ownership is higher than an average person and I’m now more careful to avoid making empty promises to her.

READ: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS

3. DECISION MAKING 

My Activator theme often clashed with her Responsibility theme. My Activator says “Taking action is better than no action at all” while her Responsibility and Deliberative says “Doing nothing is better than doing something wrong”. These contrasting thoughts often brought conflicts during decision making especially in areas where much uncertainties lie. Discussions in this area have helped us to understand each other better. We decided not to change one another but to find areas of common ground. We agreed on some specific areas of decisions where I will submit to her suggestions and vice versa. These handles have hugely reduced our conflicts.

4. PROVIDING OPTIONS

Michelle now understands that my Strategic theme enjoys having options. Killing off options at the start of any discussions is a big no-no for me. Giving me options to choose from was a powerful way of communicating with me. From deciding what to do on a weekend to deciding what to have for meals, giving me different alternatives makes me feel valued.

5. SERVING TOGETHER

As a Relator and with the Achiever and Responsibility theme, Michelle enjoys being involved and doing things together with me. I learnt to make her feel more valued by finding opportunities for us to work together. One of the things we intentionally do is to mentor other younger couples. We also serve together in a Singapore local church in by co-facilitating a small group. I also try to involve her in my work by tapping on her Ideation for fresh and innovative ways.

While I can list down more transforming paradigms that strengthen our marriage and the new ways we found in engaging each other, I’m very mindful that this marriage relationship is still work in progress. We cannot grow complacent. Open communication to build trust and mutual respect continues to be fundamental for us. We are thankful that we discovered a tool and now possess a weapon that helps to strengthen our bond as husband and wife. We continue to use the CliftonStrengths as a conversation tool to help us understand each other and resolve conflicts.

How is the relationship with your spouse or partner? Consider using the CliftonStrengths tool as a means to improve and strengthen your relationships.

Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:

• Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships — Family Conversations

• Discovering Each Other's Best

• When Growth Becomes a Silent Fault Line in Marriage

• The Wall of Emotions

Want to explore how CliftonStrengths can strengthen your relationship? Learn about Victor's Couple Programs here.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Mother's Day Article 2018: The Strength of Mothers

I often imagine how hard it must have been for my mum to bring me and my sister up when we were young. Now that I’m a parent, I find myself armed with a heightened awareness of just how different my imagination is from reality. Being a father to two children with a third on the way, I can now say that I appreciate my mum in a greater measure as I see up-close the challenges that my wife, Michelle, faces in the day-to-day routine of parenting.

As I think about the sacrifices that all mothers make, I am humbled by the kind of work Michelle does in her role as a mother. As I recall our journey from being a married couple with no children to becoming parents, I have seen how she has grown from a wife to becoming a wife and a mother. 

5 years into our marriage, we had our first child. We had our second 2 years later and now our third child is about to be born. The transition from being a wife to becoming a mother has been challenging to say the very least.

“As I think about the sacrifices that all mothers make, I am humbled by the kind of work Michelle does in her role as a mother.”

We had a discussion  about Michelle’s career and spoke at length about how she would manage working a full-time job with the challenging demands of being a mother to 2 young boys. In the end, we decided to try out several different options. Michelle took a year’s absence from full-time work and later filled a part-time role first before returning to teaching full-time. Trying out these different options brought about many challenges and disruptions that required much adjustments to made. I’m very appreciative of the sacrifices that Michelle has made for the family. I will never take for granted the fact that Michelle’s career progression and ambitions have been affected because of these sacrifices that she has made and I am very grateful.  

I know that the experience of carrying a baby for 40 weeks in the womb is, for Michelle, not a comfortable one. To repeat that process three times is something I can only deeply respect. As a guy, I will never experience pregnancy but I imagine it to be similar to doing an Army Training Evaluation Centre (ATEC) evaluation in National Service (for 40 continuous weeks). The mental, physical and emotional energy needed is probably the most comparable in my lousy imagination. How someone can repeat this process 3 times is beyond me. In Michelle’s words, the simple action of lying flat down your tummy after giving birth is akin to tasting heaven. I can identify with that simple joy. To us guys, a similar joy would be to take a shower after an intense week of ATEC outfield exercises. It is so easy to take the small things for granted but my  wife has taught me to cherish much. 

“As a guy, I will never experience pregnancy but I imagine it to be similar to doing an Army Training Evaluation Centre (ATEC) evaluation in NS (for 40 continuous weeks).”

When I see what Michelle does on a regular basis and the amount of energy she expends to carry out all the tasks, it makes army life suddenly looks somewhat manageable. Her daily routine starts at 6am with preparation for the boys to be ready for school and the adults to be ready to work. By 12 midnight, after a full day’s work in school and at home, the wife will collapse onto the bed. The tasks of doing the never-ending laundry, ironing, putting the clothes back into the wardrobe, preparing the children’s cereals and porridge, mopping the floor and doing the dishes may seem ordinary to some but not to me. The intensity of these tasks have made the transition from wife to mother physically challenging. Looking back, I think that our capable parents probably sheltered us from much of this hard work, making our adjustment to the daily riguor of such parenting routines tough and often discouraging. 

Apart from juggling the household chores to her daily work as a teacher, my wife, Michelle,  now juggles the additional daily routine of looking after the boys. This to me is execution power at its highest level. There is an insane amount of detail one needs to be concerned about – from remembering to stock up on groceries and regular household items, to remembering the kinds of medicine the children need to take and the dosage, to all the different childcare details etc. I’m so glad that someone like me who is not a naturally detail-oriented person has someone like Michelle to share this burden with.

Michelle will always claims that “mother’s instinct” is a fallacy and I can understand where she comes from. I observe a huge amount of discipline that Michelle undertakes to make sure things get done and responsibilities are taken care of. She works really hard. I’m so glad that I married a wife who has Responsibility, Achiever and Discipline as her strengths!

“If God’s desire is to make us holy rather than happy, I can truly say with certainty that parenting is a divine work.”

Reflecting on the work my wife puts in for our family has made me think hard about the idea of Godly work. If God’s desire is to make us holy rather than happy, I can truly say with certainty that parenting is a divine work. Becoming parents is a path that Michelle and I made together by choice. I see it as a similar path to the one Jesus took when he carried the cross to Calvary – a path filled with pain and suffering but one that signifies obedience. This path is not one taken out of convenience but of conviction. Walking this path has led Michelle to seek God more in her times of need, reflect on her own character flaws and allowed God to continue to mold and shape her. If there is one aspect that I want to specially pay tribute to, it will be my wife’s resolve to please God in the holy work of parenting. I think that is a strength Michelle has truly exhibited. I am glad to have experienced my wife’s walk with God first-hand. 

I now have a deeper sense of how motherhood is a high and divine calling, one that is holy work and certainly not lesser than other kinds of work. I pray that God's blessings and grace continue to be given to all the mothers out there. Happy Mother’s Day!
 

*This article was first written as a guest article for Church of Our Saviour Singapore, published under the title of "The Holy Work of Mothers". This version has been slightly edited and re-published. 

What's in a Teacher?

I have always admired what teachers do. I married a teacher, and I have so many good friends who chose this vocation.

As a Gallup certified coach in Singapore, I also have the added privilege of working with many school leaders and teachers, conducting Strengths-based Leadership Workshops for teachers and partnering with them in conducting Strengths-based student development programs. 

Being a teacher is a high calling. To many Singaporeans, the profession entails imparting knowledge and developing the students’ potential.

But to me, it’s so much more than that.

The long hours, the intense marking of scripts, the pressure of managing a group of vastly different (and easily distracted) students every day, and the increasing administrative workloads make this vocation an extremely challenging one.

In fact, many teachers suffer burn-out because of the intense day-to-day demands. I’ve often heard first-hand the challenges faced by teachers, and I’ve grown to develop much respect for these teachers.

As we celebrate Teachers’ Day this week, I’m asking myself this question: “What’s in a teacher? What kind of strengths do teachers in Singapore have?”

Driven by that question, I took some time to compile data on different teachers in Singapore. I’ve coached almost all of them or conducted Strengths-based Leadership Workshops for. 

In this analysis, I look into a sample size of 1,200 teachers spanning 30 different Singaporean government schools, including primary, secondary, and junior colleges.

What were my findings? 

Amongst all the teachers I’ve worked with, the Responsibility talent theme is the most common. Out of the sample size of 1,200, 39% of them had the Responsibility theme in their Top 5 profiles.

The second most common strength is the Learner theme, coming in at 33%.

From there, Relator, Connectedness, and Harmony are the next most common themes (in that order). These three StrengthsFinder themes are found amongst 26-27% of the teacher population. (The difference in percentages was so small as to be negligible, although a larger sample size might reveal a greater disparity.)

On the other end of the spectrum, the rarest strength amongst Singaporean teachers is the Competition StrengthsFinder theme. Only 1% of the teachers in the sample had this theme.

The second rarest strength is the Significance StrengthsFinder theme, coming in at 2%.

What does this data tell us about teachers in Singapore?

1. Singaporean teachers are dedicated and committed.

This is evident from the Responsibility theme. This finding comes as no surprise, given what I’ve observed on a regular basis.

The high sense of ownership drives many teachers to have a deep dedication to their work. Pushing hard (often to the point of working on weekends) is incredibly normal to many teachers. The dedication to impact students often means going the extra mile too.

Married to a teacher wife whose number 1 strength is Responsibility, I often observe how this deep sense of dedication plays out. I have seen many times how she went beyond her duty to help her students with other aspects of their lives (beyond the academic portion). I imagined that many teachers are doing the same. There are so many stories I have heard from friends recounting how different teachers have impacted their lives. With my Responsibility strength ranked at number 22, I'm amazed at how powerful the deep sense of psychological ownership can be.

I think we should all celebrate the fact that as a nation, Singapore is full of dedicated teachers! 

READ: USING STRENGTHSFINDER AS A TEACHER

2. Singaporean teachers embody lifelong learning.

When we talk about Singapore’s vision to cultivate a “Learning Nation,” these are people who truly walk the talk. This comes from the strong Learner theme within the demographic.

I am also mindful that the unique wiring of those with the Learner theme gives them the inclination to pursue this calling as a teacher. Many Learners enjoy the process of learning and they desire to impart their knowledge and skills to others as well.

I learnt a lot about Learners by observing my wife in action. Her motivation to make sure our kids pick up knowledge and skill sets from a very young age sets her apart from me (I'm quite low on the Learner theme). She spends quite a bit of time learning about how she can create better activities for the kids to learn more effectively, as well as creating platforms for the kids to pick up new knowledge and skills. This is in stark contrast to me – I do enjoy learning, but am often not very intentional about it. With the combination of Responsibility and Learner as her top 2 strengths, I’m thankful and assured that the teachers in our nation take extremely high ownership of their own learning and those of the kids.

I can safely conclude that the MOE mission of cultivating lifelong learners is a corporate mission that resonates deeply with our teachers. With Learner as one of their top themes, it’s more of an intrinsic desire than a job that needs to be done. Thank God that we have so many educators who have the Learner theme! 

3. Singaporean teachers build deep lasting relationships.

This is a result of having such a large group of teachers possess the Relator theme.

Relators are those who build deep and lasting relationships. In a world where we are experiencing increasing number of broken families, some of the deep friendships that the teachers have forged with their students will make a huge lasting impact. I believe many of the Singapore teachers will look back and realized the trust and belief they give to their students will empower them to choose the right path.

Relators also value authenticity. This finding tells me that in the development of students, teachers will inevitably challenge and teach students to embrace the full measure of their own unique identities rather than trying to make them be like someone else.

With the growing increase of a narrative telling young people to pursue a quick shot at stardom, this trait is especially important, in my opinion. We, as a nation, need teachers who can help young people combat the lure of trying to be like their idols. We need teachers who can model authenticity to young people. Relators have that gift.

4. Singaporean teachers see the bigger picture behind their individual work.

There is a greater purpose and meaning to this vocation. This comes from the Connectedness theme. Teachers are not merely raising the quality of students. They are building a nation. They are equipping the future generations of Singapore.

It’s said that it takes a village to raise a child. The teachers with Connectedness probably understand the depth of such a phrase. There is now more and more emphasis on collaborative work with different stakeholders to help strengthen the development of our youth. There are more parent dialogue sessions. There are more internship arrangements with companies and different industry partners.

I am very encouraged to find so many school leaders and teachers who are willing to partner with us to impact the lives of the students. Rather than simply seeing us as vendors providing a service, many teachers view us as partners who also contribute to the work of building up our future generations.

It is heartening to see so many teachers with this theme. We need teachers who are gifted in connecting the dots. Rather than seeing education as a pursuit of paper qualifications, this finding tells me that our teachers are driven to help young people understand the impact of education on the different areas of their lives! That is worth giving thanks for!

5. Singaporean teachers embrace the collaborative narrative.

This comes from the Harmony theme. People with Harmony enjoy collaborative work. Rather than tearing ideas down, they seek to find alignment and consensus within the different voices.

In a world dominated by "I," "me," and "mine," it is so important that our future generations have teachers who can emphasize the "we" and "us" and what it means to work closely with others.

It is said that the increase of technology usage and social media has a direct impact in lowering the level of social skills of our future generations. I am glad to find that so many of our teachers are hard wired to seek for consensus and collaboration. This tells me that it will be natural for many teachers to teach and model teamwork and community building for the students. That will be such an important aspect moving forward. Our teachers are armed with the strength to counter the individualistic culture through the Harmony theme.

Other than building a collaborative narrative, people with Harmony are also people who desire to bring peace. In a world where racism is still a norm in many nations, we need teachers who can help the young cultivate a sense of respect for people regardless of race, language or religion. The lack of racial harmony has wrecked many nations. I’m thankful that a large group of our Singapore teachers intrinsically value peace and collaboration.

Concluding thoughts: After highlighting the 5 most common strengths found among our teachers, I discovered something interesting about the other spectrum. While there is a sizeable number of Singaporeans with the Competition StrengthsFinder theme, only 1% of our teachers have this theme.

This tells me that the teachers in Singapore are not likely to be obsessed with benchmarking. While the current system puts a certain pressure on students to go all out in pursuing stellar academic results, our Singaporean teachers might not enjoy such a system. There has been a gradual shift in the focus by MOE to move away from giving too much emphasis to the academic successes of our students. I’m guessing many of our teachers are quietly smiling in their hearts.

What are your thoughts?

Do you resonate with the findings? I'd be happy to hear your thoughts!

Regardless, join me in thanking all the teachers in Singapore for their dedication and passion to invest in the young and helping them to be "Future-Ready!" 

 

The Blues of not having Blues

"It is human nature to look at what we lack rather than what we have"

I first did my CliftonStrengths (formerly known as Gallup StrengthsFinder) assessment couple of years ago when I was a full-time Youth Pastor in a local church in Singapore, specialising in youth training and development. After finishing the online CliftonStrengths assessment, I had Activator, Communication, Strategic, Achiever and Command in my top 5 results. I took time to read through the descriptions of each talent theme. There were mixed emotions when I got my results. I was a little skeptical and I had many questions running through my mind.

"How can it be that I do not have any strengths in the relational building or the blue domain?" I was a little concerned. (To be honest, "a little" is an understatement). I had a job that requires me to understand people's needs, to care for others genuinely and to reach out to new people on a regular basis. What that meant to me was that I needed very strong relational abilities in order to excel in what I do. I did my own research: watching many different StrengthsFinder videos and reading many different StrengthsFinder articles. I was really hoping that my concerns will be unfounded.

"It is not just human nature to look at what we lack, it is also second nature to reinforce that mindset by looking at others and comparing."

It became more disturbing when I compared my results with those of my colleagues in church and I saw that they had the strengths that I thought I should have in order to succeed in my role. As someone who spent a lot of time mentoring and training young people, I felt that it was important for me to have CliftonStrengths themes like Empathy, Developer or Relator. I have none. In fact, I have none of the nine themes that were classified under the relationship building domain. These nine are Empathy, Developer, Includer, Adaptability, Connectedness, Harmony, Positivity, Relator and Individualization. How could it be that I was a Youth Pastor in Singapore for so many years without any relational strengths being in my top 5? I began to doubt the validity of the CliftonStrengths Assessment.

Are you one of those who felt the same way as I did after you got your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) results?

The interesting part came after the emotions have settled and I started to think a little deeper. Have I been successful in my work as a Youth Pastor? Have I been given affirmation and positive feedback on what I did even though I do not have those “strengths” that I thought I should be having? 

• Have I shown to people under my supervision that I care even though I do not have the Empathy theme?

• Have I been an encourager to the youth who were struggling even though I do not have the Positivity theme or the Developer theme?

• Have I been welcoming to newcomers to the church even though I do not have the Woo theme?

• Have I been able to shown to my team that I am a person they can count on even though I do not have the Responsibility theme?
  
  As I reflected, I realized I could say an emphatic “YES” to all of the above. And that is without having a single “blue” strength or CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes that belong to the relationship building domain. I realized now that I have somehow innovated my strengths and have reached the outcomes I desired as a Youth Pastor. More importantly, I reached the outcomes using my own strengths in my own unique ways.

Today, as a Coach who has conducted multiple workshops in Singapore and across Asia, I have taught with great passion that it is not so much about the talents we do not have but how we use the talents we have to achieve the goals that we desired:

• A high performing individual can execute even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the executing domain.

• A high performing individual can influence even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the influencing domain.

• A high performing individual can care genuinely even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the relationship building domain (this happens to be me).

• A high performing individual can strategize and ideate even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the strategic thinking domain.

High performing individuals know what they are very strong at. They use their strengths to overcome their lack or they find ways to manage their weaknesses.

As I strive towards high performance, I now work hard on three key areas:

1. I now focus on my top CliftonStrengths themes intentionally. I make a great effort to reduce the number of times my themes will manifest in the infancy stage (or otherwise known as basement or raw stage). I do that a lot by personal reflection. I actively solicit feedback from those I trust and work with. I try to have a debrief after a conflict occurs to find out what aspects of my behaviour hinders the relationship.

2. I focus on seeking different partners who can help me overcome different areas of my weaknesses. I have specific go-to people (usually 2-3 individuals) for each of my areas of lack that I have identified. For example, I have found some with the Discipline theme and some with the Responsibility theme to help me stay organized. I have found some with the Positivity theme and some with the Empathy theme to give me feedback on my abilities to encourage and care for others.

3. I also intentionally focus on building one attitude - cultivating thankfulness. As I choose to reflect and give thanks regularly, I am often required to focus on the things I have rather than those I lack. I have found that this attitude is an important aspect to developing a paradigm shift from the deficit thinking model to the Strengths-Based thinking model.

Concluding Note: As you ponder about the things I have said above, I will like to leave you with a challenge to focus on your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes, one at a time. Give thanks for each of these themes that you have and ask yourself how you can aim it meaningfully in your professional and personal life.

Written by Victor Seet

Expressing StrengthsFinder in the Unique Singapore Way!

As a Singapore CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) coach, I have always loved to explore how CliftonStrengths as a tool can be customized based on different cultures. Earlier this year, I wrote an article on integrating StrengthsFinder and the Chinese culture. This time round, I hope to share about integrating CliftonStrengths in the Unique Singapore way - using the Singlish language to describe the 34 CliftonStrengths talent themes.  

A little context about this article. It was inspired by the different celebrations that took place in Singapore for the past week. As Singapore celebrated its 51st National Birthday, many will have thought the celebrations will die down quickly. Few will have expected that a days later, the gold medal win by Joseph Schooling in the Rio Olympics brought the whole nation of Singapore into a celebratory mood again! It felt like a second National day celebration!

In Strengths School™ (which I co-founded and since left), the team decides to immerse into the celebrations by spontaneously going into a brainstorming on how the StrengthsFinder language can be expressed using the unique Singlish language. In this very small country filled with diverse races and ethnic groups, our Singlish language is the reason why a Singaporean can be easily recognized by another Singaporean regardless of any location around the world.

After brainstorming, the team created a customized StrengthsFinder Mug for one another, each mug having the unique Singlish description of each other's StrengthsFinder themes (the 1st Singlish StrengthsFinder MUG)! Using this beautiful mug that was created for me, I hope to share my top 5 StrengthsFinder themes in Singlish! 

StrengthsFinder Activator - Chop Chop Curry Pok! 

Chop Chop means to hurry up, to speed things up! Curry Pok is simply a rhyming slang. The idea of speed describes that character trait of an Activator! I think the team in Strengths School™ Singapore will definitely agree that I like to do things quickly. Getting into that momentum is something very important to me. In fact, when Mr Ideation Jason Ho thought of this idea to celebrate with Singapore, my Activator says "AWESOME! Let's do it NOW!"

StrengthsFinder Communication - Wah Can Tok Sia!

This Singlish phrase as understood by Singaporeans, have several meanings. This phrase can be used to describe one who has an ability to talk himself out of a situation. This phrase also can mean one who spoke in such a charismatic and dramatic way to wow a crowd and create an impact. Sometimes, this phrase also describes a chatterbox who goes on and on during a conversation. I think this Singlish description fits the Communication theme perfectly and in describing me! 

StrengthsFinder Strategic - Kia Shortcut

This Singlish phrase means to “take” a shortcut. Singaporeans love being efficient. This phrase was coined because it is very common for Singaporeans to try to find the shortest way possible to get to the destination. In doing so, lots of traveling time can be cut down.  

StrengthsFinder Self-Assurance - Ai Zai

This Singlish phrase means "Be confident". It is a phrase used by Singaporeans to encourage others to be confident (usually before a competition or before an exam) and to let them know that "they can do it!" I personally like this phrase as it describes how a Self-Assurance Singaporean person like myself often draws confidence from deep within by whispering to my inner being "Ai Zai, you can do this!" This pep talk allows me to focus on my inner strengths and overcome the fears that are caused externally.

StrengthsFinder Command - Garang

This Singlish phrase means bold, courageous and fearless. This phrase is often used and heard during National Service, a period when Singaporean males of a certain age are conscripted into the Singapore Armed Forces. The phrase is usually used to describe a certain kind of person who exhibits bravery and fearlessness in overcoming challenging obstacle courses. I personally find that this "Garang" phrase describes my Command theme aptly especially during crises. I often find myself becoming "Garang" and I enjoy rising up to challenges in a chaotic situation. I often find that people get the best out of me in very trying situations. The positive feedback is usually about how my composure leads others forward by giving clarity in directions. I feel a great sense of satisfaction whenever I can help to move people out of a crisis situation, knowing that remaining status quo is like standing on quicksand.

Concluding Note: I am a proud Singaporean and I love the unique Singlish language. I'm also a Singapore StrengthsFinder Coach who is passionate to use the Strengths language to make a difference. It is a great joy for me to integrate the Strengths language with the unique Singlish language and to present the 1st StrengthsFinder Mug (Singapore Edition)! #StrengthsFinderMugSG

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Relationship Building Domain - A Pair of Singaporean Siblings

Through Gallup's research on the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) assessment, it has been found that for two persons to have the same top 5 CliftonStrengths themes, the probability is about 1 in 278,000. Gallup has also sorted the 34 CliftonStrengths Themes into 4 distinct domains of leadership strength. The domains are: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building and Strategic Thinking. The categories are designed to help leaders think better about how different individuals can contribute effectively to a team.

There was a pair of siblings who discovered they both had the same top 5 themes after they have completed their CliftonStrengths assessment. What is even more astonishing is that both of them had all 5 of their themes in the Relationship Domain, a rare combination of strengths found in the world. While each person is unique and different, we as researchers, are curious to discover how people who are very relational, think and behave. We decided to interview and speak to this pair of siblings from Singapore, Angeline and Pamela Ngui, who are 4 years apart.

READ: 8 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT LEADERSHIP DOMAINS

1) WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR TOP 5 STRENGTHS THEMES ARE ALL FROM THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?

A: I felt quite concerned.. Why do all my strengths fall into the blue category? Am I a loser in all the other domains? Is this normal?? I was quite disappointed I guess. My strengths didn’t sound that special to me - “Positivity is a strength? All that’s saying is that I’m good at being an optimist..”, “Empathy? Anyone can have empathy. It’s hardwired into us!”

But it’s alright. After learning more about what my strengths are actually about, I grew to be more comfortable with identifying with them. It’s always interesting to realize how I can link my behaviours and attitudes to the themes I have. (I have yet to unlock the rest of my CliftonStrengths themes and I'm curious to find out what my my top non-blue strength will be)!

P: I was surprised!! I didn't see these 5 as strengths before but I thought it was so cool that I could relate to everything the CliftonStrengths report said!

Honestly, I used to feel like I didn’t really have the strengths that will help me excel because I would see other themes like discipline, responsibility and communication as those that were valued highly, especially in the Singapore schools. And I felt that I lacked a lot in these areas. But I started to realize that my strengths are more than what the world would value. Discovering that my top 5 Strengths themes were all in the relationship building domain has helped me to understand myself a lot better! 

2) WHICH OF YOUR TOP 5 ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? WHY?

A: I am most proud of my Includer theme. I like that I can usually read social situations to identify the people who could be feeling a bit left out in a group. When I can do something to make that person feel slightly more comfortable, it feels great. I realized it’s something I’ve always felt strongly about. I like how Gallup puts it - “[Your accepting nature] rests on your conviction that fundamentally we are all the same. We are all equally important, thus, no one should be ignored.”

I think this extends to my attitude to a lot of other things in life, like being receptive to new things or ideas and not being closed-minded or inflexible. I take pride in being approachable like that. 

P: I'm proud of Positivity because I'm able to encourage people! I enjoy being able to uncover the potential in people and to see the value in people and things. It brings me joy seeing others happy and fulfilled. I feel that Positivity allows me to appreciate and celebrate the small things in life and to be able to share with others this kind of joy too!

Having Positivity also encourages me to go on when things get challenging! It gives me the mind-set that it will be alright if I try. Having the Positivity theme allows me to see the positive outcomes that can come from the challenges I face. Having Positivity pushes me to improve and try new things.

3) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WORDS THAT YOUR FRIENDS HAVE USED TO DESCRIBE YOU?

A: “You’re good at listening”, “You make people feel appreciated”, “You’re really supportive” - these are some of the things my close friends have said to me. 

P: Friendly, patient and kind. I think people say that I'm friendly because I enjoy meeting new people and finding out more about them. I find it exciting to know more about other people. I think my friends say I'm patient and kind because I like to help others and be there for them. I enjoy listening and spending time with people. I’m someone who would readily help people because I find joy in doing so. Seeing others encouraged and happy makes me feel happy as well.

4) COMPLETE THE SENTENCE. FRIENDSHIP TO ME IS LIKE_________ 

A: taking redbull? Being around people I like energizes me even when I’m dead tired. Friendship to me is also like warming up in a blanket after being rescued from drowning (in loneliness).

P: a treasure chest? Digging up the treasure chest is like starting a friendship – it requires effort. You discover something precious when you continue digging until you find the treasure. And there is something different in each treasure chest. I find friendships precious because I feel that everyone is unique and each friendship allows me to explore more about each person. But friendship also requires effort on both parts - they rely on you for backup just as you depend on them for help. Friends are also there for you to help you grow and to be there for you when you need them. Without my friends who guided me throughout my life, I wouldn't be close to where I am today. As such, I cherish my friendships greatly.

5) HOW DID SOME OF YOUR TOP 5 THEMES HELP YOU TO EXCEL IN SCHOOL? GIVE SOME EXAMPLES.

A: I think having Adaptability helps me a lot in school work. There have been too many times where I would be working on an important project, and a spanner would be thrown into the works, whether it's at a crucial moment or not. I find that usually I don't get stressed about the change in plans but I'm able to focus on what next needs to be done. This has helped me keep cool-headed when everyone around me might be panicking!

P: I just graduated from a junior college in Singapore. During that period, it was extremely stressful. But I think my Positivity theme helped me to go on with a positive mind-set that "I can do it if I try". It spurred me on to work harder to achieve my goals. Every time I was met with a setback, I would tell myself that I just had to try harder. I also saw studying as something enjoyable instead of how I used to see it - as a chore. I felt I could learn so much more from studying too - learning to be more disciplined, to plan my time well.

My other themes like Includer, Developer and Empathy, made me want to look out for my friends and help them too. I always liked to help my friends with anything that they needed help in. That encouraged me to study harder to know my subjects well so I could also teach my friends and impart to them the stuff I know.

READ: SPEED-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION

6) USING YOUR TOP 5, DESCRIBE THE KIND OF LEADER YOU THINK YOU ARE?

A: I don’t know how to command a room’s attention, or put up overt displays of dominance, or the other things that people think leaders typically do. I’d much prefer being on the ground, influencing people through my relationships with them. I think I would be quite invested in each person’s progress, wanting to give advice on how to do things in the most efficient manner, or discussing the best way to go about our tasks. With every person, I’d also try my best to listen to them intently, make sure I’m fully present, to appreciate them in that way.

P: I think I'm a leader who would look out for the needs of the people first - to make sure that everyone is doing alright. I feel that it’s important that no one is left out and that everyone’s voice is heard. And I enjoy hearing the different perspectives from people. 

I like getting to know each individual personally too because I find every person unique. I feel that knowing the people is important as you learn how the people feel and see things in their perspective as well rather than only from a leader’s perspective. Knowing the people, I feel like I’m able to see the potential in them and try to bring that out in them.

7) WHAT ARE SOME OF THE INITIAL THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAD WHEN YOU REALIZED THAT YOUR SISTER HAS THE SAME TOP 5 STRENGTHS AS YOU AND ALL 5 ARE IN THE RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN?

A: My first thoughts are "Hahaha. That’s so crazy!! Impossible.” I still find it really interesting and pretty amusing that our top 5 are the same. We keep joking to each other that we’re the same person, or that we’re the actual twins in the family (we have 13-year-old sisters who are twins). When I think about who I know Pam to be though, I guess I’m not very surprised that those are her strengths. Pam’s very good at being a friend to people - she has so many people who are fond of her! Now when I think about her strengths though, I realized that they’ve always been so apparent in her daily life! It’s very easy to pick them out even if you’re only just getting to know her.

P: I was really surprised!!! I always thought that my sister and I were quite different but it turns out maybe we are quite similar on the inside?? I never thought we would have the same strengths but only after this, I realized that we might think in a similar way! But I also realized that although we have the same strengths, my sister and I show our strengths quite differently and our same strengths work in a different way. 

8) EVEN THOUGH IT CANNOT BE PROVEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ARE SOME OF THE FACTORS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO BOTH OF YOU BEING ALL "BLUE" AND HAVING THE SAME TOP 5?

A: Hmm I have no idea actually! We didn’t grow up doing a lot of things together and I wouldn’t say that we were exposed to very similar things growing up. My guess is that it’s partly genetic. Maybe our parents brought us to all their social gatherings when we were young, throwing us into social situations right from the cradle haha. We’re both introverts though, so perhaps it’s not so much being put in social situations but rather it’s probably partly due to our mom’s special nurturing touch as well. Thanks Mom, xoxo!

P: I think maybe it's because of the way we’ve been raised and as we’ve grown up together here in Singapore. Also, I've been influenced greatly by my older sister because I’ve always looked up to her. It could also be that since we are the older siblings in a family of five kids, we feel like I should look out for them which grew our relational side. And I think we grew up in an environment where family and relationships are important and being constantly surrounded by people may explain why we’re all “blue”.

Concluding thoughts: Many who are very relational often struggle to believe that their CliftonStrengths themes are talents to begin with. It seems like many of them feel that society often projects an image that certain "strengths" are more valued and these are certainly not the relational ones. However, it is also getting more evident that many organizations (evidently seen in Singapore) have teams that are not performing well and more people are leaving their jobs because of the lack of concern and care by managers and fellow teammates. Teams that thrive, often have strong team members, who use their relational strengths powerfully to glue the team together. It is also often the relationally stronger ones who lift up the morale of others in the team. It is therefore important that each of us start to appreciate in a greater measure that those who dominate the relationship building domain are the ones who really have the "heart". Their desire to love and care makes a big difference in this world!

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) for Work - Interview with a Counsellor

One of my key areas of work as a coach is in helping people discover how to apply their strengths, both in their professional and personal lives. This article is a continuation of the series on "Using StrengthsFinder for Work". It is an interview done with a Professional Counsellor in Singapore, whom I have the privilege to coach in a 1 on 1 setting. We had some very fruitful conversations regarding her CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) results and I had the opportunity to hear her different experiences. 

Chrystella Lo is a trained professional in a girl's home in Singapore. She desires to see young people being transformed and believes in giving hope to those who struggles to believe in themselves. In her free time, Chrystella actively mentors a group of young people and serves as a volunteer in a local church. She enjoys traveling to different countries to learn about different cultures. She also leads overseas expedition trips as part of her desire to reach out to the less fortunate. She has travelled to many countries that include China, East Timor, Malaysia and some countries in the Middle East. Chrystella's top 5 CliftonStrengths themes are Harmony, Analytical, Relator, Developer and Connectedness.

Below is an interview with Chrystella Lo:

1) As a counsellor, how do you feel when you first saw your top 5? 

C: Although I didn't fully understand the strengths descriptions initially, intuitively the words made sense and resonated with me. Seeing that I had 4 of my strengths in the relationship building domain affirmed my desire to work with people. 

2) Out of these top 5 talents, which do you love and which do you feel drive people crazy? Why? 

C: I think my Analytical talent theme drives people crazy because I like to ask questions to discover the root causes instead of simply listening and empathizing. Friends have told me that I tend to frown when they share something with me, and that's not because I'm judging them. I realized I have this expression when I'm thinking and analyzing what others are sharing with me. At the same time, I love my Analytical talent theme as well, because it helps me to be objective and to see both sides of the coin. I like it that this Analytical strength is balanced by my four other Relationship Building Strengths. 

3) How do you feel you use your talents as a Counsellor?  Share some examples.

C: My top StrengthsFinder theme is Harmony, and that's important in the area of goal setting in counseling work. Both my client and I need to have a mutual goal and that this strength helps me to find that common ground when we set goals together. Sometimes, I do feel stuck if there are clear differences in goals. I also use my Analytical talent theme to search for root causes and recurring patterns in order to conceptualize cases. This empowers me to choose the best intervention. As a counsellor, my 'analysis' is continuously developing and there is much more to learn. My Relator gives me the fuel to want to know people very deeply. I do feel refreshed after the deep sharing that occurs during counselling sessions. 

4) How do you think Strengthsfinder can help other counsellors or even your clients?

C: I think that the StrengthsFinder tool helps us to know ourselves better in a very functional and practical way. It helps us to realize why we are more naturally talented in certain tasks and why we naturally struggle in others. I do find that this tool is more than just a personality test. It helps us to understand how we can become more effective and successful in what we do. 

As we instinctively use our talents and strengths in any situation, I think it will be helpful for other counsellors to gain understanding on how they can use their talents and strengths more effectively in the counseling process. The StrengthsFinder tool can also help clients to grow in their self-esteem by discovering what they are naturally good at. To bring it further, when used effectively, the StrengthsFinder tool can help clients gain mastery over certain challenging tasks.  

5) How has this unique combination of your top 5 talents help you achieve something you were proud of? Share with us a peak experience.

C: There was a particularly successful case that I was privileged to manage. One key factor of the success is that all the different organizations (Ministry of Social and Family Development Singapore, Institute of Mental Health, the client's school, volunteers, and parents) I worked with were aligned in the goals and outcome and were all on the same page. I believe it was the successful collaboration that contributed to the success of this case. I felt that my Harmony and Connectedness were used and were greatly delighted. I was also able to develop a personal and genuine friendship with some of these work counterparts and that engaged my Relator. My Analytical theme was used throughout the process of working with this client, as we constantly had to conceptualize the case and adjust interventions based on it's development. My Developer theme was naturally peaked in the whole process of seeing my client grow.

6) What did you discover about yourself after taking the StrengthsFinder assessment that you did not previously know?

C: I realized I had a good job-fit and I enjoyed being a counsellor because all my strengths could be regularly engaged. 

7) You went through the StrengthsFinder workshop that I conducted. How has that session helped you?

C: I found that the face-to-face discussions in the StrengthsFinder workshop helped me to understand my talent themes much more than just reading a description of the theme on my StrengthsFinder report. The sharing and the fun learning in the workshop allowed me to pick up the intricate details attached to each talent theme. Both the StrengthsFinder workshop as well as your personal coaching have helped me to understand my top 5 strengths that were unique to me and to my situation. You have helped me gain very valuable insights on how I can better apply my strengths in my specific work situation. 

In addition, I think a big part of the StrengthsFinder workshop, besides the understanding, is helping us to accept and own our strengths. I know of many people who felt dissatisfied with their top 5 strengths upon receiving the results. The workshops were able to change these peoples' perspectives by facilitating them towards owning their top 5. Personally I do covet other strengths, especially the strengths in the Influencing domain. However, through discussing with you, I think I have gained acceptance of my strengths and I am proud of what I have. Thank you Victor!

I would highly recommend those who struggle with understanding or accepting their strengths to attend a personal coaching session with Victor.

READ: THE POWER OF NAMING AN EMOTION

Concluding thoughts from the Interviewer: It is such a joy whenever I hear people share that they are able to use their strengths at work and feel empowered to do what they are naturally good at. I hope as you read this interview with Chrystella, you too can be personally encouraged and challenged to intentionally think about how you can use your strengths at work. 

Written by Victor Seet

CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Influencing Domain - Featuring Singaporean Joey Ong

Through Gallup's research on the CliftonStrengths (Formerly known as StrengthsFinder) assessment, it has been found that for two persons to have the same top 5 strengths in the same order, the probability is about 1 in 33 million. The numbers speak a clear message: Every single person is unique and wired differently.

Gallup has also sorted the 34 Strengthsfinder themes into 4 distinct domains of leadership strength. The domains are: Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building and Strategic Thinking. The categories are designed to help leaders think better about how different individuals can contribute effectively to a team.

In Strengths School™ Singapore, after facilitating Strengthsfinder workshops for different organizations (both in Singapore and beyond) comprising thousands of individuals, we found that strengths from the Influencing domain of leadership tend to be more uncommon than strengths from the other domains. While each person is unique and different, we speak to one person who possesses a combination of strengths that is extremely rare in the world. Singaporean Joey Ong is the first individual known to Strengths School™ to have all her top 5 strengths from the Influencing domain. We did a short interview with her to find out what she thinks about her strengths:

READ: RELATIONSHIP BUILDING DOMAIN - INTERVIEW WITH 2 SISTERS

1. HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE ONE OF THE RAREST HUMAN BEINGS? 

It feels a little disconcerting, knowing that my combination of strengths may be so unique that I may not meet another who would be able to understand how I truly feel! I have always felt like I am a little more “extrovert” than the usual extrovert person, and have constantly tried to remind myself to take a step back and learn how to withdraw myself from situations sometimes. After taking Strengthsfinder, I started to view my extroverted-ness as something much more complex! I think being rare has its pros and cons! I’m just glad to be able to bring something new to the table that others might not be able to - and it is a privilege to provide greater capacity to whichever context or situation I’m in. 

2) DO YOU AT TIMES FEEL VERY MISUNDERSTOOD?

Definitely! How did you know? I find myself unable to stop desiring for new friendships and connections. Even when I have the social support that I need, I feel the desire to create new bonds with the people around me! This sometimes makes the people close to me feel like I have abandoned them, or that I have moved on to new friends and neglected the old ones. It does make me feel a little sad and made me wonder why I do not have the ability to just have a few deep, close friendships that many others have. Knowing my strengths now, I realize that I have to be intentional in communicating my reasons and intentions to others! Making new connections is different from forging new deep friendships that I may already have - it does not mean that I’m a “fleeting“ person who cares little about my friends. 

Other times, in my eagerness to get things going, I grow impatient in waiting for others to express themselves and communicate their ideas. By rushing them, I come across as dismissive and unwilling to listen - but the truth is, my intention was always to get them to say whatever is on their mind so that I may have the opportunity to rephrase and help them crystallize their thoughts into workable ideas. When I ask others, “What are you trying to say?" - it comes off as rude and bossy. I have since tried to be more patient. I now see value in allowing others to speak and for them to take time in crystallizing their thoughts. In doing so, they will feel like they are included in the ideas, and therefore it will be easier to get their buy-in on the actionables, making everything much more efficient in the longer term. 

3) WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU FIRST KNEW YOU HAD ALL INFLUENCING STRENGTHS IN YOUR TOP 5 STRENGTHSFINDER RESULTS? HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

I felt shocked of course! And a little terrified - “does this mean that I’m lacking in all the other areas?“ , “have I been neglecting the other aspects of my capacity to grow?” Reading my strengths made me realized that this is something I might need to address and receiving coaching in!
 
I never realized that my strengths were all connected in such a way. I’ve always known of the influence I had on others, and the commanding presence that may sometimes be intimidating, but I never realized that my ability to maximize and get things going were also influencing skills, and my ability to win people over were further perpetuated by my communication strength. It does make me feel like some sort of specialist - now I know that this is my area and I can continue to use it and build up my capacity!  I’ve always felt like a generalist with interests and strengths in many different areas, almost like a “jack of all trades, master of none”. Knowing that I am such an “influencer” gave me a glimpse of hope in being a specialist eventually (hahah)!

4) WHICH OF YOUR TOP 5 ARE YOU MOST PROUD OF? WHY?

Maximizer! It makes me feel like an asset to every situation! It gives me so much pleasure to say, “let’s make this better”, and then suggest ways to improve a good idea, and see it become excellent! I’m proud of it because it allows me to interact with others and constantly be on a lookout for opportunities and strengths that aren’t developed or nurtured yet! When I meet someone who has an ability or talent in a particular area but is unaware of it, in my mind, I’m just thinking of the next opportunity or platform where I can allow that person to express and develop that talent! And when that comes to pass, it really makes me happy to see others find their strength. 

5) WHICH OF YOUR TOP 5 GOT YOU MOST IN TROUBLE? ANY STORY TO SHARE?

ACTIVATOR.  Always wanting to get things going does not always work out well! My impatience is often the cause of my downfall. My need to keep things moving and great dislike for stagnant discussions and ideas make me naturally offensive and aggressive in conversations that are not moving. 

Once, I was super eager to book an Airbnb room for a trip out of Singapore so that we could move on and plan the itinerary and all the other fun stuff, I ended up paying much more than I needed if I'd just waited for a few more days! Apparently, there was going to be an offer, and my friend had a discount code that I could use! Well, since I already booked the place and paid much more, I offered to absorb the cost. It made me really upset that I wasted money just because I wanted things to get moving! I guess sometimes speed isn’t always the best - there needs to be time for consideration and to wait patiently for the best deal and outcome. 

6) USING YOUR TOP 5, DESCRIBE THE KIND OF LEADER YOU THINK YOU ARE.

I would say that I’m the kind of leader that motivates and energizes the team, constantly moving things forward and never allowing a minute to go to waste. Sometimes I will come across rather demanding, but you can be assured that things will get done as close to perfection as possible! I will want to make sure that every person on the team is on the same page and believes in what we are doing, and is willing to put their whole heart into it. Once that is set, I will identify each person’s potential and make sure they have opportunity to use their capacity and grow in the process. I believe that as long as everyone has a same clear vision of the final product/output, is equally passionate, and believes in what we are doing, my role as a leader is simply to help crystallize ideas and ensure that one coherent story is communicated at the end of the day. I would say that as long as a person trusts me and my capacity to lead, the journey would be rather fruitful and enjoyable - and every meeting will definitely be fun! 

7) WHO ARE SOME OF THE LEADERS YOU LOOK UP TO? AND WHY?

Paul in the Bible is definitely someone I look up to. First, he believes so truly and deeply in whatever he does. His passion is infectious and influential, eventually getting people on board who believe as strongly in what he is doing! I think that is really powerful beyond whatever physical capacity you have. Even when he was in jail, his influence was unstoppable - finding all ways and means to continue his work, through writing letters and sharing in prison itself. His ability to spot the potential in others and nudge them towards fulfilling their purpose through their strength and talent is something that I wish to do as well.

Concluding thoughts: Every one of us contribute differently to the society when we play to our strengths. While those who have strengths that dominate the influencing domains are often the ones more easily misunderstood by others, they are also the ones who will intuitively be the voice of hope and transformation and the voice that will make a difference wherever they go!  

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Reflections of a Former Youth Pastor: Engaging Young People

When I first did my StrengthsFinder assessment and saw my full 34 results, I realized that my Maximizer talent theme was pretty strong in my former role as a Youth Pastor in Church of Our Saviour Singapore. The more I felt my strengths were engaged in my work, the more motivated I was to carry on the emotionally draining work of a Youth Pastor. I also had another realization - the way I wanted to be engaged in my work as a Youth Pastor was exactly the same way the youth wanted to be engaged - through their Strengths, or Talent Themes in Strengthsfinder lingo. 

These discoveries led to some personal reflections. One thought stood out, “How do I engage the youth to be the kind of people God wants them to be?” This was the key question that I grappled with, serving as a Youth Pastor in a church in Singapore. This question guided my thoughts on leadership development, organizing training programs, youth camps and outreach programs. To me, this question is the heart of biblical discipleship. 

How do I engage the youth to be the kind of people God wants them to be? I like to share some of my own journey. 

1. Engage the Youth by leveraging their talents

Renowned soccer coach, Jose Mourinho, when asked about managing outrageous talent, said this - "The toughest thing is when you don't have that talent! I never understood when people say that is a problem, or that you can have a special talent but not two or three or four. I want 11 special talents!"

Intuitively, I understood what Jose Mourinho was talking about. There are many youths who are crying out to be engaged today. Many troubled youths have great talents that are not harnessed because of their noticeable character weaknesses. A large number end up leaving the Church. Amongst Christians, it is common knowledge that no one is perfect, except Jesus. The Maximizer in me reckoned that since it is so easy to spot character weaknesses (of which I have no lack), I might as well try to spot talents in order to engage the young people. I decided that if I communicated my belief to the youth and engage them based on their talents or strengths rather than their flaws or weaknesses, they may open up themselves to me and allow me to establish trust with them. 

Since this conviction, the most powerful statement I used in my attempt to engage youths is “I believe in you!”. This phrase is supplemented by the many opportunities I gave to these youth as a Youth Pastor. Roles and responsibilities were offered to them to reinforce the belief I have in these young people. 

That was not without challenges. Most of the time, I chose to go against the conventional approach, i.e. "prove to me you are spiritually mature and you shall be given a role". 

Instead, it was, “I trust you and I believe in you even though you have many flaws. Take on this role, let me walk with you and show me that we can count on each other.” This approach, though extremely challenging and at times heart-breaking, has yielded much fruit. I stand proud, seeing many transformed lives, many of whom have become influential leaders in the church today. They may have started in their roles “judged” by many to be incapable or unsuitable (because of their behaviours or personalities). Yet, they have overcome to become the leaders of the future. One such talented and highly influential youth is ‘Samuel'. Against the odds, he overcame some moral failures in his life, accepted the consequences of church discipline and bounced back stronger. Today, he inspires many younger ones through his life. 

To me, the statement "Be the kind of person God wants you to be" means that the person’s potential must be maximized, fully lived out. After all, it is the Creator who gives us these Talents for a reason. 

READ: People Engagement in Churches: Making a Positive Connection

2. Leverage on Strengths as a new approach to teamwork. 

As a Youth Pastor, I realized I intuitively sought mature leaders with particular strengths (that complement mine) to build a dynamic and strong Leadership TEAM. I had no doubt that the best team is an all-rounded team, at least in my mind. One of the best memories I have as a Youth Pastor was leading a core team of leaders who started out with little experience; yet each individual capitalized on his/her strengths to serve the team and the whole youth ministry. 

As a Youth Ministry leadership team, we were highly dynamic and deeply connected. Strong in all four domains of leadership, each individual contributes with unique perspectives and talents. The one strong in Responsibility makes sure every program runs smoothly and was strong in following through. The one strong in Woo and Connectedness makes sure every new person was personally known and connected with others. The one strong in Empathy and Developer makes sure the pastoral care and counselling needs were met.

The one strong in Analytical and Harmony highlights key areas of strengths and weaknesses by studying patterns and data for the team to work on. As a leader with the Maximizer talent theme, I leverage on each person’s strengths and draw out their best for the team.  

I am highly convinced that other than the conventional approach of leveraging on skill sets and work experiences to build a strong team performance, there is another approach that is just as powerful - leveraging on each other’s unique Strengths. A strengths-based approach to teamwork and engagement allows for different people to contribute in their own unique and impactful ways. In giving opportunities to do what they do best on a regular basis, individuals are encouraged to continue to use their strengths to serve the church and the community with greater joy and passion. 

3. Own your Strengths journey and lead by example.

One has to realize that leadership is most powerful by example. The Five Practices of Exemplary Leadership Model has "Model the Way" as the 1st practice. It is critical that leaders walk the talk and live out their convictions. 

Over the years, I realized that I am poor at receiving criticisms (at least in my mind – my immediate reaction is often poor). Somehow, my facial expression or the “defensive responses” I give to others tend to be a huge turn-off for many wanting to give me feedback. I do suspect that as a Maximizer, who takes pride in being excellent, being told that I am not “good” in something can be very damaging to my confidence. In order to excel as a leader, I started to pray and intentionally seek God to teach me humility. Indeed, "Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth"!

This ability to accept criticisms and feedback continues to be a key area I hope to grow in. The ongoing journey has been for me to learn to receive feedback with a more open heart. I have discovered that when I receive feedback and advice from others, I also end up validating their strengths which in turn allowed me to leverage from them in increasing measure. 

Ending Note: It has been over 10 years since I left the role of Youth Pastor. But the journey of engaging young people will be one that continues on. "Seeing every generation live out their full potential."