EXPLORING IDENTITY - Five Ways to Uncover Your True Self

“Be Your True Self”

Have you ever wondered what these four words mean? I have. And these are my thoughts.

“Being my true self” means consciously choosing rather than conforming to the cultural norms in the face of challenges. It is often easier said than done. The struggle with making choices that represent who we are and what we truly want usually becomes apparent when we are at the crossroads. At the crossroads, the moods and emotions we find ourselves in are usually associated with frustration, anxiety, fear, or resentment. In these moods and emotions, our choices might not necessarily reflect what we truly want.

There is also the struggle with dilemmas when we explore this idea of Self. Let me explain.

It can be a struggle to find coherence. When I look deep within, I often see a deceitful heart. I have multiple desires—tight-knit family, healthy life, spiritual depth, well-paying job, career fulfilment, vocational expertise, financial freedom, close community of friends - and some deep desires, as many of you might imagine, are inherently incompatible.

I often experience tension when a particular situation requires me to choose one desire to the exclusion of another. I have realized that going down this path of looking within makes me experience more burden than freedom.

It is a constant struggle to stay grounded.

I’m now in my mid-forties; I recall looking back at my thirty-year-old self, It felt like my life then was filled with dark moments. I was more reactive. I was more insecure. I recalled thinking what an idiot I was and how I needed to mature emotionally. Funnily, I remembered looking back at my twenty-year-old self when I was in my thirties, convinced I needed to be more mature in my life choices. If I looked even further back—myself at twenty, examining my teenage life—the desire for maturity already existed. Despite learning intentionally from my life experiences and striving to “be my true self,” the results were painfully consistent.

Perhaps history has proven that looking inwardly, and listening to my heart, might not necessarily be the wisest or most robust way to mature into being.

And so here lie the big questions:

Who am I? What is my identity? What is my true self? How does one explore this idea of “being one’s true self”?

As a pilgrim, unsure of what the pilgrimage holds for me, I would like to share five ideas I’ve integrated from authors and coaches I have interacted with. I credit Brene Brown, Tim Keller, Peter Block, James Clear, and Marcus Marsden for the insights they bring through their books and podcasts. The five areas are interconnected but presented distinctly. I hope these five ideas might meet those on a similar journey, and invite refreshed perspectives and new considerations.

(1) Label

Identity is a label that gives us a way to think, feel, and behave in a particular context. I can be a father, a son, a worker, a leader, a Singaporean, etc, and these roles can exist simultaneously.

Have you noticed how you usually introduce yourself to others?
What Is the default way you introduce yourself?
Have you noticed that your self-introduction is the "label" you have put on yourself?

You might find this a familiar process - multiple attempts of rehashing your self-introduction, verbally or in written form. This process makes us wonder - “How do I want to be known?”

An identity crisis can happen when we discover that the predominant label we give to ourselves is no longer relevant. For example, if I brand myself as a Marketing Director in both work and social settings, losing that job might create a sudden dissonance. The way I introduce myself to others now needs to be different. That can be disorienting.

Sometimes, not knowing how to engage an audience from an identity standpoint can lead to awkwardness. Awkwardness is the emotion made apparent when one does not know the identity to engage appropriately in a given context. The context could be a first date. It could be interacting with someone from a very different social status. Knowing our true self requires the skill of discernment - understanding (the hat to wear, the role to play) to engage effectively and authentically in a given context.

A suggestion is to practice introducing yourself in new ways. Notice your ability to describe yourself authentically and comfortably.

(2) Belonging

Our identity is often rooted in our sense of belonging. It is naming a community we belong to. I am a Singaporean. I am a student of XYZ school. I am an employee of company ABC. I am a member of a particular religious organization. I am a supporter of BCM football club. Wherever I go, I carry these associations—these identities—within me. We connect ourselves to people in these communities of belonging. Some called these communities their “tribes”. This identity helps me to understand with whom I can have solidarity, and with whom I might have conflict. The stronger the sense of belonging, the stronger I feel about my identity.

The key questions to answer:
- What are the communities I will identify myself with? What tribe do I belong to?
- What are the values I embody by being part of these communities?

Knowing our true self means naming the communities to which we belong. When we do so, we shape our values and boundaries in alignment with these communities.

(3) Human Operating System

Our identity is grounded when we have clarity of our human operating system. Essentially, the human operating system is a recurring set of thinking, emotional, behavioral, and conversational habits shaped by and exercised in our aggregated life experiences. We derive our strengths, motivations, fears, and emotional triggers from these habits.

Profiling tools are popular for this reason—they help to give people a sense of themselves through the data received. Across the world, coaches use profiling tools to help people derive the language to describe the human operating system. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths profiling tool.

Knowing our true self means understanding our human operating system.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
- What motivates and drives me even when no one is looking?
- What are my deep fears and insecurities that I have to overcome regularly?
- What are my boundaries? What kind of behavior by others will trigger me to react?

Answering these questions helps us to be more grounded.

A side note: we often get into situations where we are required to think, feel and behave unnaturally, as part of the adaptive process. This is usually evident when we pursue growth and expansion of Self.
For example - a more introverted person is required to be more assertive in a particular work context. Those with a fixed mindset might have internal thoughts that shout out “This is not me”. Those with a growth mindset embrace the discomfort as part of their growth.

(4) Core Sense of Self - Values

Our identity is grounded when we understand the Core Sense of Self. The core is the unchanging self across multiple contexts. This core is a set of values and beliefs that remain constant and true of us in every setting. Some might describe them as convictions. I found this model by Marcus Marsden helpful in deepening my understanding.

The outermost layer constitutes my preferences. These include my desire to visit Japan for a holiday or have chicken rice weekly for lunch.

The next layer contains my duties and best practices. These include my duties as a citizen of Singapore, my daily routines and practices such as swimming three times a week and going for a walk after dinner.

The third layer houses my principles - doing what I have promised others, being humble and courageous to admit my mistakes, giving my best effort even when no one sees what I do and actively forgiving those who have hurt me.

The innermost layer is where my core convictions reside - loving God wholeheartedly and joyfully as a Christian, loving and serving my wife and children sacrificially.

Knowing our true self means naming and knowing what we might put into each of these circles, especially the third and innermost layers. The Core Sense of Self is derived from understanding what we consciously hold as our principles (third layer) and our convictions (the innermost layer).

(5) Sense of Worth

Finally, our identity is grounded when we know our Sense of Worth. This sense of worth imbues us with significance and creates our value in society. It is an assessment we hold, one that we build from a young age. The sense of worth comes from having a deep sense of being loved and accepted. Love and acceptance from our family and community play a strong part in cultivating a sense of worth. The stronger our sense of worth, the more confident and grounded we become.

As a coach, I observe that this is an area of struggle for many. Growing up, we often suffer trauma that diminishes our sense of worth. For some, the trauma comes from experiencing family brokenness. For some, the trauma comes from labels - stupid, slow, fat, or ugly, just to name a few. For some, the trauma comes from abuse.

The sense of worth can be severely impacted because of the shame we experienced in our childhood. We struggle to accept ourselves. We act out of our insecurities. We retaliate. We bully. We blame. We manipulate. Deep down, we feel fragile. We struggle with self-acceptance. We choose to self-protect to avoid getting hurt.

Author Brene Brown calls the act of self-protection “armouring”. When we start to practice armouring, our identity becomes a blur and we struggle to get a good grasp of our self-worth.

Knowing our true self is an intentional process of deepening our sense of worth. For many, this process becomes a spiritual journey. Some seek to follow a Higher Being. Some seek spiritual practices. I started seeking spiritual growth when I was around 17 years old. In my brokenness, I saw a void that needed to be filled. I eventually decided to follow Christ after being touched and convinced by His love and His ways. 

Seeking a sense of worth is not the same journey for everyone. For me, the result of following Christ helps me experience the sense of being loved and accepted. The ongoing learning process includes (but is not limited to) opening up my heart to love and receive love despite the risk of getting hurt. Instead of practicing armouring, I choose to practice vulnerability (with wisdom). I learn to exercise self-compassion and seek forgiveness when I make mistakes. I learn to practice accountability in how I live my life. I learn to exercise humility (not overplaying or downplaying our significance). As I grow and make progress, I learn to practice empathy and compassion towards others. So being my true self means to imitate the life of Christ and to live out the identity bestowed.

Back to the question: Who am I? What is my true self?

Rather than just a vague act of looking within, I hope these five alternative ideas provide a deeper framework to explore this philosophical question. Let me know if you’ve practiced or come across other ideas too—I will be glad to learn.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

CliftonStrengths: Complementary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairings

As a CliftonStrengths Coach based in Singapore, one of the questions I’m often asked during workshops or coaching sessions is “how can people with very different strengths work together?”

As I listen to the deeper concerns, I discovered two common struggles. First, there are those who struggle with certain individuals in tension-filled relationships and wondering if the conflicts are a result of “opposite strengths”.

Second, some people saw the deficit in their decision making outcomes. There is a tendency to be over focused on one side of the coin to the neglect of another. It is a bias that surface regularly in decision making. Increasingly, polarity management is gaining traction in organisational development.

Polarities are interdependent opposites and each dimension is needed for the healthy functioning of the system. There is a necessity of both dimensions. Central to the idea of a polarity is the expectation that each opposite dimension will have an impact on the system. Having one but not the other creates issues within the system. From this point of view, the complementary partnerships of people with opposite strengths, are very powerful in bringing better business outcomes.

Taking a step back, you might be now wondering: “What are strengths that are considered to be very different?”

There are multiple ways of answering this question. I approach this from a coaching lens. Through some research data published by Gallup, I discovered that there are some CliftonStrengths talent themes that are very unlikely to be paired together in an individual’s top 5 strengths results. From Gallup’s data, these unlikely pairings are:

1. Deliberative - Woo
2. Developer - Command
3. Empathy - Self Assurance
4. Discipline - Ideation
5. Harmony - Strategic
6. Maximizer - Restorative
7. Positivity - Deliberative

So how can people with very different strengths work together?
In this article, I will be touching on the first three pairings to explore this question. These are my own personal views as a professional executive coach.

1. Deliberative and Woo

People with Deliberative are quite private in nature, selective about those they allow into their inner circle and preferring quality over quantity. They are very careful in the way they use social media and doing  networking online in the digital world today. They are often very aware of the dangers in the social media online space. Those with Woo are considered to be socially adventurous. They love meeting strangers because they see it as an opportunity to make new friends. They tend to enjoy playful banter, as it helps them build rapport quickly. They are likely to initiate in reaching out to others to build a greater network of contacts, aware of the power of leveraging relationships in the social media space today. This is probably the reason for the unlikely pairing in the two talent themes. When you speak to two different individuals, a Deliberative and a Woo, it is fairly common to observe some distinct differences in perspectives.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the human need for protection AND connection. There is both the need to create strong personal boundaries and strong social connections. In work partnerships, Woo brings the perspectives and learnings of leveraging connections for business development, job search and ideas exchange. Deliberative brings the learnings and perspectives on risk assessment. That means learning how to spot scams, guard against wrongdoings within and out of the system. Deliberative can also share perspectives about the danger of being overly vulnerable and friendly.

2. Developer and Command

People with the Developer theme tend to be perceived as nurturing and patient while those with Command can come across with a colder and more intimidating presence. In terms of people development, Developer enjoys encouraging people to take baby steps in facing challenges. The Developer celebrates every growth and milestone. Command enjoys challenging people to move out of their comfort zones and overcome their fears. While the development goals looked similar, the emotional journey can be in stark contrast. Another contrasting perspective is how each might look at results. Command tends to polarize and see results as either success (“you have overcome”) or failure (“you succumbed to your fears”). The Developer tends to focus on the growth and progress even with not so desirable results (“you did better than before, that is worth celebrating”).

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the need for Support AND the need for Challenge. Leveraging this partnership allows for constructive exchanges on when it is necessary to push people to overcome personal challenges and when to take a step back and give people some breathing space. This is a common tension seen in coaching, mentoring and teaching. Leveraging this polarity creates better results in the space of people development, talent retention and employee engagement.

READ: PART 2 of Complimentary Partnerships Through Unlikely Pairings

3. Empathy and Self Assurance

People with the Empathy theme tend to be others centered. They naturally want to put themselves in another person’s shoes in order to understand how that person is feeling. Their confidence come from their ability to connect deeply with others and being able to sense what others are feeling. In a rather contrasting fashion, those with the Self-Assurance theme build confidence by developing a keener sense of self. They rely a lot on their gut and have faith in their own strengths and judgments. Like an anchor of a ship, those with Self-Assurance can often withstand different kinds of pressure and they have a great self-belief that is often unwavering. The decision making process is very different for each side. Empathy often makes decisions based on meeting peoples’ needs and concerns. The sensing of peoples’ emotions (fears anxieties, hope and excitement etc) are key data points for decisions. Self-Assurance enjoys taking risks and decisions are often based on their personal gut feel and sensing about the situation. Decisions do not necessarily concern how others might be feeling.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the relying on Others as a resource AND relying on Self as a resource. When should one move ahead decisively and depend on the gut instinct? When should one choose to listen, gather data and sense the mood of the community? Leveraging the contrasting perspectives bring rich learnings and is crucial in a context of fast changing landscape with much unknowns.

In conclusion: the above examples illustrate how many of the CliftonStrengths themes can be powerfully leveraged. The conflicts in perspectives between the different themes are not problems to be solved. They should be seen as perspectives to be leveraged. Leveraging these polarities can help teams and businesses thrive in this VUCA world.

READ: Why Complementary Partnerships Do Not Always Work

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

THE 15 BELIEFS THAT STOP YOU FROM LEARNING - and being resistance to change - coaching guide

In the book “Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth”, author Amy C. Edmondson describes the learning zone as the high-performance zone. This is the zone where people can collaborate, learn, and get complex work done. In a VUCA world, high performance occurs when people are actively learning as they go.

This article is about the beliefs that hinder people from learning. When we struggle with learning, we struggle with navigating change.

There are 15 beliefs described here and they are termed as “enemies of learning”. I learnt about these beliefs while doing my ontological coaching course under Newfield and have used these actively for my own coaching work. I often find that these beliefs can help unlock certain blindness, especially in how people resist learning which underpins the ability to navigate change in this increasing complex world. I have observed that these beliefs can be used powerfully to spark transformation and can be used as a guide for coaching conversations, leadership conversations and performance conversations.

I have added in my own understanding and elaborations about what these 15 beliefs are so that readers can benefit further.

1. Unwillingness to admit “I don’t know”

This was one of the dominant beliefs that I had to address for myself. For me, this belief is closely tied to a common mindset: “not knowing is a sign of weakness”. For many people, the idea that I have experienced this before so “I know how this works.” The lack of curiosity is usually more obvious to observers than the person himself. The unwilling to admit “I don’t know” because of the experience gained closes up the space for curiosity. Learning is hindered. There is an ongoing assessment that he or she already possessed the information and knowledge needed for a particular situation.

Conversely, people who are naturally curious often dwell in a “I don’t know” headspace. In this space, the brain actively look for new knowledge, information and pathways.

I observed that this unwillingness to admit “I don’t know” is common among leaders and managers who feel that leadership competency is closely tied with “knowing” and the assumption that when one has experience, it means one must have some knowledge of the subject. Any sign of “not knowing” can jeopardize power and influence so to admit “I don’t know” is a huge barrier.

2. When you don’t know that you don’t know but act as if you do

This particular enemy of learning centers around “acting” in a way to make others perceive that we know. The focus for such an individual is on making sure his or her responses and actions do not show the “lack of knowledge or understanding”. There is little priority on learning about the unknowns. This belief can also be possibly tied to the popular idea of “fake it till you make it”. There is an ongoing practice to produce an answer in every situation and to act as if one knows a solution even when he or she does not. This can be a trap for consultants, lawyers, or anyone who is highly paid because of the knowledge they have.

Overtime, this practice of faking lowers a person’s ability to be truly curious. The person’s brain is usually busy trying to come up with answers so as to be seen as one who knows. There can be multiple reasons why people choose to fake. The fear of “not looking stupid in front of others” is one idea.

3. Unaware that we have blindspots

Do you deliberately consider points of view shared by others? Do you intentionally reflect on what could be your blindspots? Do you actively gather feedback and pondered over why those feedback were given? These questions could help you discover if you are aware that we live in blindness.

When one is unaware that a person can have blindspots, the priority is often on justifying and defending one’s views more than considering other perspectives. This enemy of learning is highly correlated to people who often operate with strong assumptions and have little awareness of what is commonly termed as unconscious bias.

I observed that this phenomenon is especially common for people who experienced some level of success and live with an assessment that there is nothing much more to learn (since they have already experienced success). They tend to be confident in their abilities to perform and deliver results. They might not be conscious of how they are coming across to others. They can be less sensitive to power dynamics and less sensitive to how others who are less experienced, less privileged, less resourced, are feeling.

4. “I should already know”

Is this an internal talk that you have after you made a mistake? There is a tendency to beat yourself up rather than being curious to learn (after a mistake is made). This belief unfortunately hinders learning that can take place from a setback. Instead, the belief focused the individual towards self-blame. During a setback, this belief triggers an emotional response (usually negative) and generates negative thoughts for the individual.

The possible assessment held by is “why am I so stupid? I should have known better!” Such an assessment is prevalent in cultures where speed and efficiency is worshipped. Failures are amplified and there is an assumption that if people are of a particular status, position, experience, success should be “in the bag”. There is little tolerance to embrace failures. “I should already know” comes from the belief that because of past experiences gained, success is to be expected.

This particular enemy of learning is also prevalent in sub-cultures that believe that knowledge is the key to learning and knowledge equals the ability to do. When someone fails to do something and achieve certain results, the internal self-talk of “I should already know”” can be quite condemning.

5. “I have to be clear about everything, all the time”

Have you met people who you feel are “control freaks”? They ask many questions and often demonstrate their insecurities and anxieties through the extensive amount of questions asked.

The belief centers around “the more information I get, the more certain I will become.” This leads one to be obsessed with information finding to handle uncertainties. Unfortunately, having information (knowledge) and processing information (learning) are two separate distinctions.

This belief focuses a person towards an excessive search for information and often hinders a person from learning how to handle uncertainties and change. This was evidently seen during the Covid context. The fears and anxieties lead many to find out as much information as they possibly can, hoping that the information can bring a sense of control.

When there is an assessment that everything can be managed and be under control (with enough knowledge), a sudden or surprise change (leading to many unknowns) usually triggers a negative emotional response such as panic, fear or anxiety. The negative emotion subsequently shuts off the neocortex part of the brain. This limits the ability for the brain to learn and find new pathways to respond to changing circumstances.

6. Forgetting the domain of emotions and its impact on learning

People living with this belief give little regard to the emotional context surrounding learners and how emotions influence the effectiveness of learning. Researcher and Author Amy C. Edmondson wrote that when a person feels psychologically safe, it shapes the propensity to engage in learning behaviors, such as information sharing, asking for help, or experimenting”

Parents (including myself) are the big culprits, often rebuking and dishing out knowledge at the same time while the child is emotionally affected. There is little awareness that the child has very limited ability to retain what is being shared. Rather, the child remembers the trauma of the “scolding received” and remembers how the parent made the child feel. As learners, our ability to learn is largely connected to how we are feeling at the moment of the learning.

There are also many cultures that hold strong beliefs that emotions often lead to unfavorable and unwise decisions. The cultural belief is that we are to shut our emotions down to have improved performances. “Men do not cry” is the classic belief that illustrates this enemy of learning.

Rather than tap into the emotion (such as sadness and what the sadness could be revealing) as a source for learning, the focus is on shutting off the emotion to conform to cultural behaviours. Leaders who ignore the domain of emotions are observed to have very limited leadership effectiveness.

7. Distrust

A teacher walks into the room and you immediately assess that you will not learn much from this teacher. Whatever the reasons might be, distrust is a big enemy of learning. It is important to be aware if we are generally more trusting or less trusting. That has implications on our ability to learn from others, from our experiences or from our failures. If you are someone who perhaps acknowledge that you are easily skeptical and less trusting in nature, this could be an area to be watchful.

In the working world, trust and distrust are major contexts, the backgrounds out of which actions (or non-actions) spring. As more collaborative and coordinating work are being demanded across organizations, the theme of trust is a great indicator to assess how teams are learning, innovating and performing.

As an ontological coach, I’ve encountered many leaders who do not pay attention to the context of trust and how the mood of distrust severely hinders learning and the ability to navigate change.

8. Confusing “knowing” with “knowing about”

Will you want to learn swimming from someone who cannot swim or learn driving from someone who does not have a driving license? The response might be obvious but we can be easily confused by those who know and those who simply have lots of opinions about a subject.

Many are led to believe that they have learnt a lot because they know so much details about a particular topic. This confusion is often made worse by the vast amount of information that can be found on the web. Anyone can be an “expert”. Just look at how many influencers have become experts overnight and strategically use this confusion to spread untruths.

As a side note, it is useful to do a personal reflection because of the massive information we possess on our fingertips:
Do you notice if you are happy with simply having lots of information about a subject? What do you notice about your ability to act on the knowledge you have gained?

9. Addiction to novelty

Are you one of those who moves quickly towards things that are novel or new? Are you easily bored by doing the same thing again and again? It has been researched and observed that the road to mastery on a particular skill or competency often includes seasons of plateau. The grind to practice something over and over again creates grit and patience and ultimately lead to mastery. The one who moves on too quickly out of boredom misses the boat.

You might want to notice if you move on quickly from one thing to another. While there is seemingly nothing wrong with this practice, it does create a learning habit that might potentially stop you from experiencing deep personal transformation.

10. Addiction to answers

There is a common perception that not knowing the answer makes a person feels unintelligent. For most jobs, people are paid to find answers. The addiction to answers however can be a big stumbling block to learning.

When efficiency is prized above innovation, one prioritizes answers over questions. Yet, often it is the curiosity zone where good questions are asked and breakthroughs are experienced.

This particular enemy of learning is seen in behaviours where one gets hooked to the initial answers and solutions without holding the space for uncovering underlying roots. This recurring thought pattern stops one from going deeper to gain transformation.

I invite you to practice staying in the curiosity zone for a tad longer even when you feel that you already have an answer.

11. Not granting permission to be taught

“Who are you to tell me what to do?”

A sense of entitlement can often hinder us. Have you felt like you have spent more time researching on a subject or you have more experience in a particular area and therefore reject learning from others (especially when you believe they are unworthy)?

Ego and pride is often a big hindrance to one’s capacity to learn and navigate change.

This is commonly seen in people who are in senior positions, important roles and assess themselves as expert in their own field. Enough said.

12. Making everything overly significant or trivial

To make a mountain out of a molehill was a term coined when a person makes too much of a minor issue. We might even say such a person is over-dramatic. This person could be habitually bursting into tears, having anger outbursts or spiraling into a chain of negative thoughts.

The challenge here is when such a person regularly assigns tremendous weight to something that has happened and makes a big drama, there is little emotional space left to engage learning.

In this context, some form of lightness is helpful. The ability to laugh at oneself is a big friend of learning.

Making everything overly trivial also hinders learning. Have you met those who are unwilling to let the conversation get serious enough to get to the real issues? Conversations usually stop at the superficial level. There is a habit of deflecting (usually through humor) when something important is about to be revealed. This can be commonly observed in team setting where learning is hindered because humor is used to quickly defuse tension.

13. Living in permanent assessments or judgments

Have you had such a strong opinion about something or someone that make others feel like it’s unlikely for you to accept another point of view? Not being aware that we hold what is essentially an opinion as a Truth (or an assertion) can hinder us from learning. There is little or no space to perhaps hold a counter perspective in tension.

“He is always so full of himself.”
”The situation will never change”.
”What’s the point of trying when we will end up getting hurt ourselves?”

If your language and internal thoughts often reflect any of these statements above, this could be an enemy of learning (unconsciously) that you might be holding.

14. Living in the belief “I cannot learn, given who I am”.

I observed this commonly in two kinds of people - those who consider themselves as experts and those who see themselves as “stupid” in a particular field.

There is a distinction between a Master and an Expert. The Master stay out of the “I know the answer zone” as long as possible. An Expert stay in the “I know the answer” zone as long as possible. Individuals who feel a need to maintain the public identity of “being an expert” in a particular field are often in danger of not asking the questions necessary to open up learning.

When someone feels “stupid” in a particular field, the person often generates an identity (subconsciously) to maintain that they are right in their assessment. “I can’t dance; I am bad at math; I suck at public speaking” etc are the common beliefs that people generate to reinforce the assessment of their “identity”.

To let go of the belief we have of ourselves can be rather painful especially when we have held on to this belief for a long time. Letting go fully means we have to act against the belief (and might end up with results that might make us uncomfortable).

Personal story: I assess that I can’t dance. When I eventually did a dance in front of a group of friends, it actually felt freeing. I had a good laugh at myself. I also felt I had a breakthrough.

15. Forgetting the body as the domain of learning

In many countries, there is a common perception that learning occurs when a person gains understanding. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth.

For most things in life, learning occurs in the body more than in the head. When there is no practice, there are no new results.

Whether it is using excel, doing slides on powerpoint, cooking, driving, swimming, cycling, public speaking, listening, negotiations, selling etc, only practice brings new results.

An active listener is one who practices listening and navigates the challenges involved rather than one who has completed courses on active listening. Huge difference.

Thank you for your patience in finishing this article. Hope this article creates a reflection for you as much as it did for me.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

Stronger Together: Learnings from a Loneliness Dialogue

“Do I belong? Or am I fitting in?”

There is a distinction between fitting in and feeling belonged. Fitting in is not belonging. When we attempt to fit in, we are changing ourselves in order to be accepted. We might not be seen as who we really are and that might possibly be a deeply lonely experience.

I was part of a facilitator group for a loneliness dialogue attended by a group of working professionals from diverse backgrounds. When I listened to what were being shared, the conversations were interesting but not unexpected. Some shared reasons on why people felt lonely in their organizations:

• Leadership requires making hard decisions. Lack of empathy by team members intensifies the loneliness felt by leaders

• Addiction to achieving outcomes often meant people get caught in busyness. They stop listening and relating to one another

• Lack of common space and trust to dialogue about conflicting beliefs that run deep within the organization.

The list goes on.

The bottom line from the loneliness dialogue? People want to feel accepted and belonged.

Why do people feel lonely?

Perhaps we have been overdoing “fitting in” to the neglect of creating a sense of belonging. This is my hypothesis.

For some, the habit and practice of fitting in started from a young age. Fitting in to what parents want, fitting in to school rules, fitting in to find friends - we change ourselves to survive. And habits can be hard to change. Despite the deep yearnings to discover who we really are, many grew up struggling to answer the question of “who am I truly?”

In my personal observation as a professional coach, identity building work continues to be a territory that is under explored by many individuals. Many people define themselves through work. It is common to state our work title or role when we are asked to introduce ourselves. It is also common to observe people burying themselves deep at work to the neglect of self care.

What are the implications of overdoing “fitting in”?

In the workplace, this habit of trying to fit in, to gain approval from the boss, colleagues and the system, can undermine culture building work. There is often an expectation that when we make adjustments to fit in, we should be accepted. There must be reciprocity. Fear and anxiety are often the emotions that accompany these expectations. Unfortunately, what we often experienced instead are rejections. The results of these rejections meant the emotions turn from fear and anxiety towards that of disappointment, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Picture the emotional states of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, fear, anxiety etc, driven by the mindset to survive - this is often the context surrounding conversations in teams and organizations. This emotional context is invisible but it is tangible.

What can you do to make a difference?

Every individual can intervene into a large system. Change usually start from the small things. Here might be some possible ideas you can act on.
- Notice and pay attention to the emotional context in workplace conversations.
- Notice how you are participating in your workplace conversations and the mood you are bringing.
- Notice if you are intentionally building a supportive community within your organization.

STRONGER TOGETHER AS A NATION

Creating a sense of belonging is in essence an identity issue. It is an issue individuals and businesses need to address. It is also an issue that Singapore as a nation seeks to address.

Singapore’s narrative is essentially one of survival. Geo-political tension, climate change, terrorism etc…there is a long list of global challenges that impact Singapore. For a country with little natural resources, we need to be efficient and productive to survive. We must often adapt quickly to the global context. Yet at the same time, we need to build our own identity as a nation. We need to preserve our unique heritage. We need to create a place that Singaporeans feel proud to belong.

This juggling act is a huge tension.

Here’s an example to illustrate the tension.
Wet markets in Singapore forms a unique space where local communities are formed and a sense of belonging is created within the precinct. Wet markets are however viewed as inefficient. Supermarkets or hyper marts are increasingly flooding the heartlands. These supermarkets increase the efficiency and productivity of grocery shopping. No one stops to connect and build relationships in these supermarkets. One represents a culture created out of the desire to belong and form communities. The other represents a culture created out of a need to survive the global threats.

As more and more wet markets cease to exist, how do we preserve such a space where local communities are often formed and a sense of belonging is created? Do we continue to demolish these wet markets and replace them with supermarkets of high efficiency and productivity?

How CAN we AS SINGAPOREANS CONTRIBUTE?

We have built a narrative over the years - the survival mindset of “kiasu (fear of losing) and kiasi (fear of dying)”. That has served us well and allowed us to transform from a third world to a first world nation. It is perhaps a good time we build a new narrative - “stronger together” and complement the old.

These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive. We need to survive by creating a stronger sense of belonging. We need to be more intentional to be more relational, more inclusive and build communities wherever we go. We need to be more intentional to promote neighbourliness. We need to be more accepting and tolerant given the increasingly more fragmented society. The future generations will be shaped by how we survive and be stronger together.

When our perspectives expand, it is not lofty to suggest that as Singaporeans, we are well resourced and capable of finding solutions. On this note, I personally felt that the leaders of our nation have done a tremendous job in keeping this balance. The journey ahead however continues to be filled with uncertainties and challenges.

Moving forward to 2023 and beyond, may we be a nation that can strengthen our identity, build a greater sense of belonging and survive the global upheavals together.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

How do I do Meaningful and Purposeful Work?

Gallup reported that many want to have meaningful and purposeful work. Have you been pondering about meaning and purpose at work in this season of your life?

If you are, I will like to invite you to stop, reflect and consider these three key questions:

1. What does meaningful or purposeful work mean to you?

• Is it about finding work activities that motivate you?

• Is it about connecting personal values to the work you are tasked to do?

• Is it about connecting your work to a higher purpose (saving the earth, serving my country, living out my faith etc)?

• Is it about building meaningful relationships at work?

• Is it about doing work that meets the needs of the society and getting paid for it?

There are many variations of doing meaningful work and it is important that we know what meaningful and purposeful work mean to us.

2. How often do you do work on yourself?

Doing and Being are connected as closely as thinking and feeling. We can’t have one without the other. DOING meaningful work doesn’t happen without integrating with our BEING and Identity. Doing meaningful work (externally focused) is strongly tied to doing work on our Being (internally focused - examining our values, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, moods and emotions, strengths and weaknesses, blindspots etc). The two words “meaningful work” involve intentional and thoughtful work.

Behind our Being and Doing are a set of skills and habits that we acquired over the course of our lives. Examining these skills and habits regularly helps us to build stronger foundations and capacity to grow.
I will like to invite you to ponder the below questions.

• Do you think about your thinking and how to improve the quality of your thinking?

• Do you examine your habits and how they have enabled you to grow? Are you in need of building new habits to grow your capacity?

• Do you examine your emotional habits and notice your mood patterns? How do your emotional habits empower or disempower you in doing purposeful, productive work or deeper relationships?

• Do you actively get feedback and be curious about your strengths and areas that you can intentionally develop?

• Do you learn about the way you learn to actively adapt in a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world?

• Do you examine and test how your lifestyle and decisions are aligned with your value system?
  

3. How much do you invest in your own growth?

We spent money, time and energy in many areas - our family, physical health, financial health, romance, hobbies, career progression etc. How much do we invest in our own development and growth?

Think about this: Why do some people invest in themselves through

• coaching;

• therapy;

• personal development and training programs;

• spiritual retreats (just to name a few examples)?

Why do some people invest time, energy and money in developing themselves and some do not? Which category do you belong to and why? What do you think is the relationship between your own personal growth and all the other areas that you are investing resources in?

A Coaching Story:

In a particular coaching session which sparked this article, a client (let’s called him M) articulated that whenever he thinks about his career, he will unconsciously switched to a particular thinking pattern - that of considering risks, scenarios of possible failures and his level of competencies and skills.

I asked M: “how does this way of thinking serve or not serve you when you are pondering about your career?”

The response was interesting: “This way of thinking is prudent, down to earth and pragmatic and it helps me to be careful about my future choices. It also does not help me dream big.”

As M verbalized his thoughts, it dawned on him that this thinking pattern might not serve him in the area of dreaming about his future. He desired a new way of thinking to broaden his horizon of possibilities. He acknowledged that he needed to work on his thinking habits and build new ones to increase his capacity to dream.

I asked M: “what kind of thinking pattern or mindset have you used in the past to help you move ahead despite uncertainties?”

M: (Pause)….I can learn as I go along…and I have done this many times in the past. That has helped me overcome my fears in uncertainties. Perhaps I can explore my career by looking back at the different skill sets I have picked up successfully and what new skills I need to pick up. I don’t have to be restricted by the current set of skills I have when I explore a career path.

Ending note: I love how M shifted his perspective and the smile he had on his face as he discovered a new possibility in his thinking. Doing meaningful and purposeful work involves intentional and thoughtful work. Doing self-work is often the starting point in the whole process. When we get do work on our BEING, what we need to DO becomes much clearer.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Dealing with Mental Health - are we listening?

As Singaporeans, we have been grieving because of the death of a young boy and the nature of the event. I had a recent dialogue with my colleagues to discuss about mental and emotional health struggles. This article is written as a result of that dialogue as well as seeing more and more requests for ontological coaching. I have seen an increase in people asking for help to deal with a drop in work performance. Many of the underlying struggles are related to mental and emotional health challenges.

I will start off by sharing a few personal observations on why, as a society, we might be struggling to address mental and emotional health challenges. I will end by proposing an idea for you, as a reader, to consider.

Why we might be struggling to deal with mental health issues?
Five Observations:

1. We are asked to focus on “ME”.

It’s a strong habit we have built into our human system over centuries. It is plausible that the beginning of the IPhone generation played up the emphasis on the “I” and the “ME”. While this emphasis promotes personal agency, this emphasis also promotes loneliness, especially in times of pain. Ask around. How many of those who are suffering, struggle to ask for help?

Community building, team building, “WE”-building have all suffered in recent years because we are not encouraged to, not used to or asked to think beyond something greater, larger than the “I” and the “ME”. Support for people with mental and emotional health challenges are limited to the professionals rather than the surrounding community. We build systems, processes, apps to try to solve these issues but how are we building the community? The single most powerful asset to community building, team building and “WE”-building is the family unit. What is happening within a typical family unit in Singapore?

2. We are asked to ignore our emotions.

“Leave your emotions at the door” is a corporate culture many employees have experienced. A way to get a quick indication of your company’s culture is to answer this question with honesty: “How safe do you feel to let down your tears in front of your boss or colleagues?” Creating psychological safety in workplaces is seen as a big challenge whenever employees are not given permission to express their emotions.

3. We are asked to be efficient.

We want instant solutions. We want things fast and now. We want sound bites. Pain and grief, however, can be long drawn. Pain does not magically disappear overnight. Certainly, no one has found an “efficient” way to deal with pain. In Singapore, we are products of our system. As a nation, we are 56 years old at the time of this writing. We possibly need to build new skill sets to complement our efficiency.

4. We are asked to believe technology is the answer to everything in a digital world.

Artificial Intelligence is filling up our world very quickly. From customer service to phone applications to investments to learning solutions to driverless cars, we are experiencing a wave of digital transformation. The message perceived by the world is that technology will be the answer to all our productivity challenges. But try telling someone in pain to talk to AI or a robot. Tell these people they will feel better magically after downloading a special app and using it. For all the wonders of technology, there are certain challenges only humans can intervene. It is time to learn that mental and emotional health challenges are byproducts of a digital world. We have not focused on challenges only humans can intervene.

5. We are asked to pursue “happiness”.

“Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Fulfill your potential.”

It is possible that this single-minded pursuit of happiness has crippled our ability to do sense making and to make meaning of pain. The pandemic has certainly created pain. The pandemic has also certainly helped people to see what true leadership looks like. We have greatly respected leaders who went through immense pain and sufferings yet lead courageously, with compassion and with empathy - “Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr etc”, just to name a few. I believe the capacity to make sense of pain and suffering is a pre-requisite to lead with courage, compassion and empathy. Those who truly lead courageously, with compassion and empathy shine in a digital world.

A new way of being - listening

Traditionally, society values certain ways of being - a communicator, a visionary, a strategist, an achiever, just to name a few. These ways of being embody certain habits, behaviors, mindsets and thinking patterns. For example, a person who embodies the way of an Achiever thinks about goals and tasks, develop habits of productivity and efficiency, works hard and in long spurts, sees success as achievements etc.

I am proposing a new way of BEING that we, especially those of us who are leaders, might want to consider growing into - BEING A LISTENER.

Being and growing as a listener is counter-intuitive in our current culture. Let’s correlate listening with the five points I have listed.

• An effective listener has to be less “me”-centred and more “we”-centred.

• An effective listener listens to the emotions and what is often unsaid.

• An effective listener takes time to do the listening work. Efficiency does not exist in the space of listening.

• An effective listener has to be a human being and has to connect emotionally. Listening cannot be done effectively by AI.

• Last but not least, without listening, there is no sense-making in times of pain. Listening takes courage. Listening and compassion goes hand in hand. Listening conveys empathy.

Being a listener is more than the skills. It is a new way of being that requires practice and needs to be embodied. It’s like riding a bicycle. You practice till your body “gets it”. It is more than a mindset change. It is more than gaining knowledge. It involves becoming a new “You”.

Article: Listening is Harder than Hard

Ending note: It’s human to be in pain. It’s human to want to feel cared for. It’s human to experience fear and anxiety. When we are in pain, we often want a listening ear. We want our pain and suffering to be validated. We don’t want to be fixed. I am no different. I get a sense that people with mental and emotional health challenges often feel lonely because society sees them as problems to be fixed rather than people to be loved. Listening is underrated. Perhaps it’s time for a change.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Why Complementary Partnerships Do Not Always Work

Extreme cold burns. When we hold an ice cube tightly in our hand, we can feel the burning effect on our skin. This picture illustrates the danger of being overly biased towards a particular viewpoint, to the extent of ignoring other perspectives. That was the pain I faced for oversubscribing to the idea of complementary partnership. Through the therapy sessions I attended together with my wife, I also gained awareness that there was another side of the coin. The therapist named the two sides: "Complementary and Reciprocity”.

Complementary and Reciprocity Polarity

Around the same time, I went through a course called “Polarity Thinking”. What are polarities, you might ask? Polarities are inter-dependent and seemingly opposite choices or actions. One simple example of a polarity is inhaling and exhaling. Putting two and two together, I reflected and realized that Complementary and Reciprocity is a polarity. This article is about my assessment of this polarity and the learnings I have gained from trying to deal more effectively with the tension presented.

Let me first describe what happened before I share my personal assessment of how I understood this polarity.

Complementary Dynamic

My marriage partnership works in a particular way. My wife and I have our own assessment of each other's strengths and we tend to negotiate the tasks we have to do through these lens. These tasks can range from putting the kids to bed to bathing the kids to buying groceries and ensuring the kids have done their homework. The ownership of these some of the tasks are negotiated and agreed upon verbally. Sometimes, certain tasks are initiated by one party (usually the one who is stronger in that area) who identifies the need to step up and complete the task. Usually, the one who initiates the task will also end up being responsible for the task if it recurs over time. This is an unspoken expectation in our partnership.

What I just described is a complementary partnership. It is a kind of mindset that adopts a strengths-based approach: the belief that when people operate from a place of strengths, the results are far better than when people operate out of weaknesses. Individuals are usually seen as specialists.

The Tension

This approach seemed great initially because it produced results. However, there was an increasing number of conflicts in our marriage which also seemed to suggest that not all was well. Over the course of time, because of different levels of stress that resulted from the work front, we both began to feel the burden of managing our home. Our family size had also grown and there were a greater number of shared responsibilities. There were days when the resulting stress from work and from home caused either one of us to feel a huge level of burden. On such days, there was a deep desire of wanting the other person to understand the challenges faced and the sacrifices endured to carry out and complete the responsibilities at home.

Such a desire, however, did not align with the complementary mindset (where individuals are responsible for their own tasks and had little understanding and possibly empathy about the challenges and stress that came from tasks that belonged to other parties). The resulting anxiety from the increased stress usually bubbled over into conflicts. New narratives started to develop in our minds: “Why are you not helping me? Why do you leave me to fend for myself? I feel very lonely in this journey."

Sometimes, the other party tries to help. However, since he/she is not good at the task, the results unfortunately are usually compromised. This is expected since the person handling the task lacks competency and experience. In this scenario, another kind of conflict happens as a result:

Person A: "You seemed to be causing more harm than good. I’m now more stressed than before you took over the tasks. In future, I will be better off doing these tasks myself.”

Person B: “I’m trying my best to help you with these tasks so that your stress can be reduced. I’m learning to do these things that I am greatly lacking in skills and experience. I have no intention to cause any trouble. Why can’t you see that I’m trying my best effort to care for you?”

From a sense of helplessness, the emotion soon became one of frustration and anger. Over time, it became a sense of resignation. These emotion were very real and were felt deeply by both of us.

The Reciprocity Dynamic

The above narrative shows that we attempted to shift (albeit compelled by circumstances) towards the reciprocity dynamic from the complementary dynamic. The reciprocity dynamic (in my assessment) adopts a different kind of mindset: individuals should be well-rounded and have the ability to learn and execute any task. Tasks are mutually inter-changeable. Individuals are seen more as generalists. This dynamic usually empowers individuals to switch roles easily and create the ability to empathize with each other’s challenges. In our case, reciprocity means the ability to take on and execute the tasks that usually the spouse is responsible for and meeting the required expectations. Because of our biases toward the complementary dynamic, you can imagine the struggle for us to adapt to the reciprocity dynamic.

Navigating Polarities

The navigation of polarities first starts by acknowledging that the 2 seemingly opposite ends are quite inter-dependent. In life, because of the different seasons brought about by external changes (such as having a newborn, changing of jobs etc), there is usually a cyclical flow from one end to the other and back. A bias toward one side naturally means there is a resistance when there is a need to shift. The pain and grief produced is often a result of the resistance.

How can we navigate polarities effectively?

1. We need to be aware of the specific polarity and understand the benefits brought about by both perspectives. Naming the polarity is therefore critical. The therapy session gave this polarity a name and helped my wife and I to gain awareness. From the awareness, we now understand the reciprocity dynamic and the key benefits from operating from that approach when necessary.

2. There is a need to move past an “either/or” understanding and create a space in which “both/and” thinking can be applied. This is the management of polarities. In my personal context, this is about creating a space where both complementary and reciprocity can be applied to my marriage.

3. We needed to be intentional in creating opportunities to recreate the cyclical flow (with smaller stakes and therefore less risky implementation). Let me give you an example:

Imagine that my wife plans a short 3 days 2 nights getaway for herself. This vacation can actually become a way to execute a short and manageable shift towards the reciprocity dynamic in our marriage. One of the things I can do is to work out ways in which I can take on her responsibilities while she is away. I can try to do this in advance, rather than trying to find external help in order to outsource all her responsibilities. I can also sit down with her and understand what needs to happen, observe her carry out the tasks and learn from her. Concurrently, she can also learn to impart what she is naturally good at, which would allow me to learn on-the-job and gain experience in fulfilling the task well. If the focus is on imparting for her and learning for me, the result of the task is secondary and less stressful. Both actions by each of us produce a manageable and temporary adoption of the reciprocity dynamic. Eventually, the vacation will come to an end and the flow from reciprocity will shift back towards the complementary. However, the result of such a process is that both parties would have increased their capacity (or range) to navigate this polarity more effectively.

READ: CliftonStrengths - Complementary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairs

Conclusion:

There are many polarities that are actually not extreme opposites, unlike what the world has us believe. They are inter-dependent and both yield benefits in different seasons. This ability to navigate polarities is increasingly needed and I’m personally glad to have learnt how to navigate this particular polarity with greater effectiveness.

**To married couples: In the trending “work from home” arrangements, how about trying some “reciprocity”? Learn / Do something that is usually done by your spouse and have some conversations around these tasks. Might be interesting…

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

What is My Health Worth?

My last article was about dealing with my emotional health. This article is about the process of getting myself into physical shape.

In slightly over 4 months, I managed to bring my weight down from 80KG to 67KG. It was the first time in the last 20 years that I had managed to achieve my ideal weight and I was pleasantly surprised at the result! For 20 years, my weight has never gone below 75KG. Physical health was never a priority for me and there was no existing system or discipline to look after my physical body. Here’s my story:

A Visit to the Doctor

Through a visit to the doctor in June 2019, I discovered that I had severe hypertension. Several readings of my blood pressure were taken, with the highest reading being a massive 190/110. This discovery was a shock to me. It was a shock to my family as well as I did not have any prior medical history in this area. I suspected that the high level of stress at work was a key contributing factor. Before this discovery, I had taken my physical health for granted. I ate what I wanted and paid little attention to my diet. There was also no attempt to participate in any form of regular exercise. I often worked late into the night and I struggled to sleep well. I also experienced a recurring back pain and a stiff back. This meant that there were times where I had to sit on the bed for a few minutes after waking up because my back was too painful. Despite these issues, there wasn’t any personal conviction to watch my health closely.

Enrolling in a Weight Management Program

After my visit to the doctor, I was certain of one thing: my lifestyle needed to change. I did not want my physical health to suffer further. My blood pressure was a big warning sign. I certainly did not want my wife to be a widow and my kids to be fatherless. As I shared in the previous article, I made the decision to leave my company and to stop what I was doing. I felt that the severe hypertension affirmed my decision to leave. I needed to get my physical health back in shape and time away from work was critical. To bring down my blood pressure in a sustainable way, I was recommended to reduce my weight and watch my diet. I enrolled in a 6 months long weight management program at Khoo Teck Puat Hospital. As you now know, the weight loss was a success. My blood pressure also came under control and no longer causes me stress. Amazingly, my recurring back pain also disappeared! I suspected my weight loss was a contributing factor and I am very happy with the overall outcome.

A Contrast: Before the weight management program and after

How did I manage this change?

Upon reflection, I believe that part of the success was due to intentionally applying some lessons learnt from this book: “Switch – How to change things when change is hard" by Chip and Dan Heath. There were four principles from the book that stuck with me. In sharing my story, I hope it can motivate those who might be in similar situations to achieve change. For a greater understanding of the principles, I highly recommend that you read the book. (And in case you are wondering: I do not receive any monetary benefits from sharing about this book).

1. Find the bright spots:

This refers to leveraging what we already have and looking for what’s already working. For me, losing 13KG felt impossible but thankfully, the dietician from Khoo Teck Puat Hospital was a great help. I was pleasantly surprised that I did not have to go on a painfully restrictive and unhappy diet, like I imagined I would have to do. On the contrary, I realized that I could continue to enjoy food that I loved and keep to 3 meals a day. That was a bright spot.

I also wrote down a list of things or “bright spots” that were already true and empower me towards my goal of losing weight and lowering my blood pressure.

• I’m motivated to lose weight for my family

• I have a supportive wife. She is my greatest cheerleader

• I love swimming and I can create an exercise regime in this area

• I used to be a competitive swimmer when I was young. I can easily swim 20 laps or more

• I have easy access to an Olympic size swimming pool nearby my place

• I own an Apple Watch that can help me count laps

• I have no desire for sweet drinks.

• I can continue to drink coffee and I am able to drink coffee without sugar

• I can eat my favourite food ONCE every week (this sounds great!)

• I have little desire to snack

• I am not tempted by ramen or baked rice (unhealthy food options)

• I love fish soup (healthier choice)

• I love Chinese style cooked green vegetables and I can eat lots of them (vegetables help to make a person feel full from a meal)

• I have a weighing machine at home and I can closely monitor my progress

• I have some good looking shirts that I will love to be able to squeeze into

The above list motivated me into action.

2. Script the Critical Moves

This refers to having clear and specific steps needed to reach the goals. For example, for a healthier diet, go for less or no sugar in coffee or drinks; use skimmed milk instead of full cream milk. To script the right critical moves, it is also necessary to first gather the right data.

One critical data point: The main bulk of weight loss (70% of the time) comes from a changed diet instead of exercise. Therefore, I needed to make a change to my diet to be successful. I found out from my dietician that FRUITS were a main source of weight gain for me. I love fruits and fruit juice. I had the idea that fruits were much better options to chips and fries, while fruit juice was better than bubble tea. I was WRONG in this aspect. Another helpful data point was that I could lose 0.5KG weekly if I kept my daily intake to 1500 kcal (this data is specific to my height and weight).

Using these specific data points, I scripted down my critical moves to reach my goal:

• Take 2 fruit servings a day (I was taking 8 servings daily previously). Have a green kiwi / green apple / pear for lunch. Do the same for dinner

• Stop drinking vending machine fresh orange juice (1 cup is equivalent to 4 serving of fruits)

• Finish my large water bottle of water by noon every day. Refill and finish another bottle by evening

• Swim 30 laps every Monday, Wednesday and Friday

• Measure my blood pressure twice a day: in the morning and evening

• Measure my weight every Monday morning

• Use the Health Promotion Board (HPB) app to track my calories intake and find the combination of tasty meals that can hit the 1500kcal daily diet

• Have one cheat meal (regular size portion) for Saturday and one for Sunday. Rest of the 19 meals will be kept strictly to the recommended options given by dietician

Read: “The Power of Naming An Emotion”

3. Point to the destination.

This refers to having a compelling picture and being clear of the measurable end goal. It is about imagining how success can benefit me and others.

My Measurable Goal: My aim was to bring my blood pressure under control by losing weight. My blood pressure needed to be below 140/90 and my ideal weight was 67KG. That was my end goal for the 6 months.

The Compelling Picture: I imagined the picture of my family spending quality time together. Without me being in good health, this might not be a possibility. I also imagined the extra energy gained from growing stronger due to exercise, which would allow me to play more effectively with my 3 young kids. I also imagined feeling much happier looking at the mirror: without a belly and with a sharper chin. I look forward to being fitter and healthier. I imagined having a sharper mind and having a greater ability to focus. which would expand my mental prowess which is important for me.

4. Shrink the change

The idea is as follows: If you want to motivate a reluctant elephant, you got to lower the bar, NOT raise the bar. Small emotional victories also bring more lasting changes! When a task feels too big, the reluctant elephant will resist.

For 20 years, I had no success in weight loss.To lower the bar, I bought new goggles and swim gear to make myself happy. I researched and found the swimming pool that had all the attributes I wanted - close to my place, not crowded and with good bathing facilities. I also worked out a morning routine that gave me 1.5 hours to swim and shower. I was ready to swim!

I started joining my wife and 3 kids in eating baby oats for breakfast. Eating together was emotionally helpful. I eventually got used to eating oats which was not only healthy, but also lowered blood pressure. I also stopped drinking fruit juice. I drank coffee or water instead. I also found an alternative drink with zero calories: Ayataka Green Tea!

My small emotional victories after the first month:

• I aimed to lose 2KG but I lost 3KG.

• My blood pressure stabilised and remained around the range of 125/85.

With this, I started to believe that I could do it. I implemented my new diet progressively. The HPB app allowed me to input the local Singaporean dishes with the required calories data attached to the food. What I did was simply to log all the food I have eaten and monitor the total amount by the end of the day. By being able to experiment and adjust my food intake daily, I soon found the combination of food that allowed me to reach my 1500kcal a day target.

Eventually, I started to achieve more emotional victories such as wearing M sized t-shirts instead of L size. My pants became looser. I started to get compliments and encouragements from friends and I finally hit my goal.

Conclusion: “What is my health worth?” This is a question that I had pondered when I was working hard at getting my health in order. I have never prioritised my physical health but that has changed. I have since gained a new perspective on the benefits of healthy living. I continue to swim 3 times a week and I now make it a point to eat healthily. This has made me happier. I used to wear L sized male t-shirts and I can now wear S size! I hope my story has shown that aiming for a weight loss is achievable and definitely not as torturous as it seems.

Written by Victor Seet

The Power of Naming An Emotion

In the middle of 2019, I took a sabbatical from my coaching work and left my company. One of the main factors behind my decision was the state of my emotional health. At the start of 2019, I had several indications that I was already not doing well emotionally. There were several incidents where I had allowed rage to get the better of me. These emotional outbursts happened at home and at work. However, I told myself that this was a normal phase in life. After all, I was living in a fast-paced and competitive society in Singapore, living a stressful life as an entrepreneur and being a father to 3 young kids.

The Tipping Point

However, by mid 2019, I had to stop telling myself the same narrative. The tipping point was a particular episode I had after a team debrief. As a company, we had just completed our largest training project - in terms of revenue and the number of training participants. The project was especially remarkable because it was birthed out of an innovation. There was no template, no previous experience of such kind and the team pulled it off. To top it off, the feedback from the participants was fantastic. The debrief was intended to celebrate this huge success and to brainstorm ways to overcome operational challenges. Unfortunately, the debrief did not turn out the way I hoped for it to go. Instead, I had an outburst, the brunt of which was borne by some of my team members. Emotionally, I felt horrible. That pain was significant enough to make me dread turning up for work. I eventually decided it was time I do something to address this issue. Stopping work was the first step.

On the home front, my wife and I had been discussing the idea of attending a therapy session together. The discussion started several years ago but we never got down to doing it. In the second month of my sabbatical, there was a particular conflict which we debriefed and reached agreement on. Regarding the state of the marriage: we were getting by but hardly thriving. We reached a consensus and agreed to attend a therapy session together. “Let’s do it.”

Going through Therapy

Based on some recommendations, we chose an organization called Counselling and Care Centre. They assigned a senior therapist to us and fixed a date. The first visit to the therapist was one filled with uncertainty. I had no idea how the session would turn out. Thoughts were flying through my head: “Will there be some deep issues flushed out during our conversation? Am I ready to hear them? What will my reaction be like if the wife said something that I’m not ready to hear? What will her reaction be if I did the same?” In the end, the fears were unfounded. I was relieved when I asked how she felt about the session and her response was a exuberant one. “Therapeutic!”

Naming my Emotion

We attended a few sessions together and we also had individual sessions. The third joint session, in particular, had a deep impact on me. I left that session feeling quite overwhelmed. Some raw emotions surfaced. During the session, I shared some of my feelings of frustration: there were many things I did which I received negative feedback from my wife. I felt I had done my best though. The feedback made me feel like my best was not enough. The therapist had us revisit some of these situations and eventually, my feelings of frustration was named: an emotion of defeat. I suddenly had an awareness that this feeling of defeat was not isolated to the marriage relationship. It was a feeling I had consistently experienced through out my life. I assessed that this emotion was what contributed to some of my worst outbursts.

READ: WHAT IS MY HEALTH WORTH?

I remembered feeling defeated when I was young. I scored an own goal in a soccer match and at the end of the match, I was ridiculed and laughed at. That experience left a stigma. I also remembered feeling defeated when I was learning to play a particular board game. I was thrashed by my opponents and humiliated. I felt utterly beaten. In the more recent years, I remembered feeling defeated when I was passed up for a promotion. The feeling of not being good enough for a promotion despite giving my best was very very strong. I remembered that particular incident made me depressed for a month. The most poignant realisation was identifying this same feeling of defeat at the team debrief which I mentioned earlier. That feeling of defeat ultimately led me to taking a sabbatical break. I remembered feeling that I had given my best to serve the team and led the team to a successful completion of the project. The debrief outcome however made me realized the success came at a far greater cost to the team. Trust was broken and relationships were strained.

Conclusion: We cannot intervene in what we cannot see. In naming this emotion of defeat, I now have something to work on and that has given me much hope. My marriage has also taken a different turn. A greater level of trust had been rebuilt and our ability to communicate had strengthened. I feel that my emotional health is now at a much better place. I have since ended my sabbatical and started a new journey. I now focus on helping people integrate strengths using the ontological approach in Singapore and across the world. I have continued with my therapy which has served me to become a better coach. I am able to observe my therapist in action and concurrently explore areas of growth. I now have a greater confidence in my coaching work.

This article is the second in the series of my Halftime journey.

Written by Victor Seet