As Singaporeans, we have been grieving because of the death of a young boy and the nature of the event. I had a recent dialogue with my colleagues to discuss about mental and emotional health struggles. This article is written as a result of that dialogue as well as seeing more and more requests for ontological coaching. I have seen an increase in people asking for help to deal with a drop in work performance. Many of the underlying struggles are related to mental and emotional health challenges.
I will start off by sharing a few personal observations on why, as a society, we might be struggling to address mental and emotional health challenges. I will end by proposing an idea for you, as a reader, to consider.
Why we might be struggling to deal with mental health issues?
Five Observations:
1. We are asked to focus on “ME”.
It’s a strong habit we have built into our human system over centuries. It is plausible that the beginning of the IPhone generation played up the emphasis on the “I” and the “ME”. While this emphasis promotes personal agency, this emphasis also promotes loneliness, especially in times of pain. Ask around. How many of those who are suffering, struggle to ask for help?
Community building, team building, “WE”-building have all suffered in recent years because we are not encouraged to, not used to or asked to think beyond something greater, larger than the “I” and the “ME”. Support for people with mental and emotional health challenges are limited to the professionals rather than the surrounding community. We build systems, processes, apps to try to solve these issues but how are we building the community? The single most powerful asset to community building, team building and “WE”-building is the family unit. What is happening within a typical family unit in Singapore?
2. We are asked to ignore our emotions.
“Leave your emotions at the door” is a corporate culture many employees have experienced. A way to get a quick indication of your company’s culture is to answer this question with honesty: “How safe do you feel to let down your tears in front of your boss or colleagues?” Creating psychological safety in workplaces is seen as a big challenge whenever employees are not given permission to express their emotions.
3. We are asked to be efficient.
We want instant solutions. We want things fast and now. We want sound bites. Pain and grief, however, can be long drawn. Pain does not magically disappear overnight. Certainly, no one has found an “efficient” way to deal with pain. In Singapore, we are products of our system. As a nation, we are 56 years old at the time of this writing. We possibly need to build new skill sets to complement our efficiency.
4. We are asked to believe technology is the answer to everything in a digital world.
Artificial Intelligence is filling up our world very quickly. From customer service to phone applications to investments to learning solutions to driverless cars, we are experiencing a wave of digital transformation. The message perceived by the world is that technology will be the answer to all our productivity challenges. But try telling someone in pain to talk to AI or a robot. Tell these people they will feel better magically after downloading a special app and using it. For all the wonders of technology, there are certain challenges only humans can intervene. It is time to learn that mental and emotional health challenges are byproducts of a digital world. We have not focused on challenges only humans can intervene.
5. We are asked to pursue “happiness”.
“Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Fulfill your potential.”
It is possible that this single-minded pursuit of happiness has crippled our ability to do sense making and to make meaning of pain. The pandemic has certainly created pain. The pandemic has also certainly helped people to see what true leadership looks like. We have greatly respected leaders who went through immense pain and sufferings yet lead courageously, with compassion and with empathy - “Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr etc”, just to name a few. I believe the capacity to make sense of pain and suffering is a pre-requisite to lead with courage, compassion and empathy. Those who truly lead courageously, with compassion and empathy shine in a digital world.
A new way of being - listening
Traditionally, society values certain ways of being - a communicator, a visionary, a strategist, an achiever, just to name a few. These ways of being embody certain habits, behaviors, mindsets and thinking patterns. For example, a person who embodies the way of an Achiever thinks about goals and tasks, develop habits of productivity and efficiency, works hard and in long spurts, sees success as achievements etc.
I am proposing a new way of BEING that we, especially those of us who are leaders, might want to consider growing into - BEING A LISTENER.
Being and growing as a listener is counter-intuitive in our current culture. Let’s correlate listening with the five points I have listed.
An effective listener has to be less “me”-centred and more “we”-centred.
An effective listener listens to the emotions and what is often unsaid.
An effective listener takes time to do the listening work. Efficiency does not exist in the space of listening.
An effective listener has to be a human being and has to connect emotionally. Listening cannot be done effectively by AI.
Last but not least, without listening, there is no sense-making in times of pain. Listening takes courage. Listening and compassion goes hand in hand. Listening conveys empathy.
Being a listener is more than the skills. It is a new way of being that requires practice and needs to be embodied. It’s like riding a bicycle. You practice till your body “gets it”. It is more than a mindset change. It is more than gaining knowledge. It involves becoming a new “You”.
Ending note: It’s human to be in pain. It’s human to want to feel cared for. It’s human to experience fear and anxiety. When we are in pain, we often want a listening ear. We want our pain and suffering to be validated. We don’t want to be fixed. I am no different. I get a sense that people with mental and emotional health challenges often feel lonely because society sees them as problems to be fixed rather than people to be loved. Listening is underrated. Perhaps it’s time for a change.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
