“Harder than hard” - I borrowed this phrase used to describe the highest difficulty level found in some computer games. I chose this phrase to depict the journey that I have been taking in the domain of listening.
I’m a recovering advice-giving addict. Over the years, these are the feedback I have received: “Talk too much; dominate conversations; self-centered; impatient; too much advice; like to interrupt; opinionated; judgemental; want to have the last say”.
I’m a beginner at listening. I declared myself as a beginner the day I made a decision to re-orientate my life. I declared that not listening has caused me pain in too many areas of my life and I had enough. That was in the middle of 2019.
Before I declared this breakdown in my listening, I have read many articles, listened to many podcasts that described the importance of listening. The resources contained many tips and advice. I have tried to apply what I have learnt but I did not get the results I wanted. As I reflected back, learning listening skills without a mindset shift proved to be futile for me. When I declared my breakdown, it felt like an invisible wall had come down. I felt different. I felt a shift.
If powerful listening is at the “harder than hard” level, I’m happy to declare that I’m still at the “beginner” level. I hope I will continue to make progress. There is no shame in that. This article was written because I really wanted to capture my thoughts, record them down and reflect on what it feels like at the “beginner” level.
The very first thing that I had decided to do after declaring my breakdown was to start noticing my own impulses, instincts and my behavior while listening to others. This was the process of collecting data.
These were a few things I had observed.
I noticed that I have a great desire to make offers in almost every single conversation. I offer my stories. I offer my advice. I offer my perspectives. I offer my thoughts of the day. I offer my opinions on things. This impulse to offer was very strong. As I intentionally notice my behaviour and impulses, I found it amusing that I love to make offers. I want to state that I think there’s nothing wrong in wanting to make offers. Noticing this impulse created in me a curiosity about how this might affect my ability to listen..
I noticed I have a particular thinking pattern. I might have a belief that speaking was more valuable than listening. My instincts flushed out this belief. I pay lots of attention to how I speak, how I come across to others when I speak, how to tell stories that would capture attention etc. By contrast, there was little concern about how I come across as a listener. I feel anxious if I assess that I might struggle to speak well or speak clearly on what I hope to communicate. I feel frustrated when I messed up my speech. I feel delighted when I am able to persuade and convince others to buy in to my ideas and strategies. There was however no emotional connection to how I perform as a listener.
I noticed that I listen to speak up. I listen for the space to say something. I listen to respond and offer opinions on things I disagree with. I listen for opportunities to make offers (advice, perspectives, ideas etc). I listen to feel validated about my thoughts. In short, I listen for ME. Listening to care for someone is totally counter-intuitive for me.
I noticed that as I practice listening, the internal conversation (thoughts in my head) is usually louder than the external conversation taking place. It was something I know in the past but I had little awareness of the intensity. The realization that I was quite self-centered became more apparent. The conversation I instinctively focus on was usually the conversation with myself happening in the head.
I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default sitting posture. I was usually sitting in a more forward leaning position (as if I’m getting ready to pounce on any opportunity given). And I notice that when I form a thought in my head and have an advice or an offer I was ready to make, I lean forward even more. I notice my body is contracted when I listen. I have a tendency to fold my arms as well.
I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default listening filters. They were usually in certain categories and my CliftonStrengths (or Gallup StrengthsFinder) themes were very helpful to gave me clues. I had the “black or white” filters (Command theme), the “right or wrong” filter (Belief theme), the “efficiency” filter (Strategic theme) just to name a few. As I listen through these filters, my internal thoughts start to form opinions and judgements.
So what did I learn about noticing?
Noticing brought me clarity. The data points gathered were compelling. The more I saw “myself”, the more I could see the new habits and impulses I will need to develop in order to be a new person, a new kind of listener.
Noticing created some kind of latent energy within me. A quick Google search - “the latent internal energy of a system is defined as the internal energy a system requires to undergo a phase transition”. As I took greater notice of my own impulses and behaviours, I also felt a stronger and stronger desire to change. Noticing was producing in me a greater amount of inner strength to make a real change.
Noticing brought discomfort. I lost count of the number of times I felt discouraged and defeated (how come I am so bad at listening?). I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be kind to myself. I have practiced efficiency for a long period but change is slow and often uncomfortable. To be able to sit in discomfort is a capacity I needed to build to create sustainable change in my own life.
Ending note: Some might say noticing feels like inaction. For me, what I took away was that noticing prepared me deeply and powerfully towards the shift - a new kind of person that I say I want to become.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
