(Updated) A Guide: Using CliftonStrengths at Work
How do I apply my CliftonStrengths at work? This is the most common challenge faced by individuals. Coach Victor Seet writes about 3 areas at work that individuals can use their strengths - performance management, relationship management and collaboration
One of the most common questions I get after a CliftonStrengths workshop is:
What’s next? How can I use my strengths more effectively at work?
I'm writing this article to highlight three key areas where you can leverage your strengths.
(1) Performance Management: expanding our effectiveness at work
In performance conversations, we often explore the areas we do well and the possible obstacles to achieving performance. Such discussions often highlight our negative behaviors and whether we are self-aware.
Applying our CliftonStrengths Themes is about applying self-awareness as a practice.
The practice is to notice the patterns in our lives and make the needed adjustments to achieve what we want. This practice requires us to examine our past experiences to identify the patterns and the results.
In my coaching conversations, some examples of behavioral patterns that came up include:
Saying a lot of “Yes” to others
Drifting off-topic in discussions and not being concise
Shifting goalposts, making it hard for others to be in alignment
Leaving decisions till the last minute, putting others under tighter deadlines unnecessarily.
The list goes on.
Applying our CliftonStrengths themes in performance management is to be aware of how our dominant themes show up in helpful ways and not so helpful ways. When our dominant strengths show up in not so helpful ways, they become hindrances to our work performance.
An example:
Jackson, who has the Connectedness theme, enjoys seeing connections between different ideas and experiences. He believes in better outcomes when people connect the dots and import learnings from past experiences.
He started to notice that more and more people were giving feedback on his communication. “What’s the point you are trying to make?; I am not sure of the connection between these two incidents that you have just shared; You tend to talk about stuff that seems unrelated to the agenda and our meetings overrun.”
Realizing that his Connectedness theme was hindering his communication effectiveness, Jackson started practicing holding back instead of the tendency to verbalize connections that came to his mind. He saw that his communication was confusing others and decided to make adjustments. Jackson has since learned to communicate by giving context to his shared example or declaring his key point before sharing the connection. By doing so, he expands his ability to communicate clearly and improves his performance as a manager.
(2) Relationship Building: improving our social effectiveness
In relationship building, one critical factor is the level of trust forged between the parties. Applying CliftonStrengths in relationship building is to regulate the behaviors that will hinder trust building. One of the critical skills in trust-building work is how well we listen to others. Behaviors such as interrupting conversations, jumping quickly to conclusions, etc, show a lack of listening. These behaviors diminish trust.
An example:
Asher, who has the Strategic theme, sees his recurring pattern of seeking more efficient ways to achieve the desired outcomes.
He noticed he gets impatient in meetings because he already sees the solutions to the problems raised when others are still clarifying the issues. His impatience caused him to multitask and attend to other matters while his colleagues were still discussing. He also noticed his tendency to interrupt conversations to stop others from “wasting time” in meetings. These observations came after he received different feedback from colleagues that others have been irritated by his behaviors. They perceived that he did not care and respect others.
Realizing that it could be his Strategic theme that is hindering him from building trusting relationships, Asher practiced turning down his Strategic theme and turning up his Input theme instead. He consciously aims to be curious by using his Input theme rather than be quick to judge. The adjustments helped him to slow down and to show care. That started the process of rebuilding the trust of others in the team.
(3) Collaboration: improving our communication effectiveness
In collaborative work, we often need to coordinate between different stakeholders. Effective communication is one of the crucial factors in driving good collaboration. Applying CliftonStrengths in communication starts with recognizing our own needs and the needs of other stakeholders. Each CliftonStrengths theme has specific needs. When the different needs are met, communication flows naturally. Coordination work becomes more effective.
An example:
Julia, who has the Context theme, sees her recurring pattern of seeking background information and asking “how things came about”. To her, background information helps produce better quality thinking and eventually, decisions. However, she noticed that her teammates prefer to jump into problem-solving mode. She notices their tendency to quickly explore different solutions before understanding the real issue. That has often made her frustrated during meetings. Julia realized her needs from her Context theme were not met.
After exploring with her coach, she made adjustments by learning to articulate her need for background information to other team members. She is now intentional in making specific requests to acquire quick updates on background information or historical data before any solutions work.
The team has since felt a significant difference in results whenever Julia contributes. She asks good questions and brings fresh perspectives. The team now leverages her Context theme for more robust thinking and quality outcomes.
In summary, applying CliftonStrengths is learning to dial up our behavioral patterns in situations that will get us positive outcomes and dial down in situations that will create negative impacts.
The three basic but crucial steps to get there:
(1) Get clarity and understanding of our dominant CliftonStrengths themes and how these themes show up at work. Getting feedback from team members in this area is helpful to get this clarity.
(2) Notice the recurring patterns of our thoughts, feelings, and behavior by reflecting on our past experiences. This includes reflecting about when we feel energized during work, when we get triggered etc.
(3) Intentionally aim these recurring patterns towards our desired outcomes by making adjustments to our behaviors
Ultimately, applying CliftonStrengths in all aspects of work, such as performance management, relationship building, and collaboration, can lead to personal and professional growth. It involves recognizing and leveraging our dominant themes to improve self-awareness, build trust, and enhance communication. By consciously practicing to adjust our behaviors and tendencies associated with our CliftonStrengths, we can create a more effective and harmonious work environment while maximizing our individual potential.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™
8 Reasons to use CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) for Team Building
Are you looking for suitable Team Building Activities for your team or organization? Singapore CliftonStrengths and Team Coach, Victor Seet, shares why using CliftonStrengths Profiling for Team Building is a great and practical idea.
Since 2015, there has been a great increase in the number of companies in Singapore and across Southeast Asia enquiring about the CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) Team Building Program. Since 2021, the CliftonStrengths Profiling has been taken over 30 million times globally.
This article is written especially for Team Leaders and those in Human Resource, who are regularly looking out for team building programs that can be beneficial to their team and organization.
Based on past experience and participants' feedback from over hundreds of CliftonStrengths workshops I have conducted, I am giving 8 reasons on why a CliftonStrengths workshop could just be the ideal Team Building Program that a team or an organization should consider.
1. It's incredibly uplifting!
How often do people have the opportunity to hear the good things that other colleagues have to say about their own strengths?
Leveraging on the Strengths Language which is derived from the field of positive psychology, conversations that take place build up the morale of the team. The conversations in the workshop revolved around what is right with people rather than what is wrong. In many work cultures where affirmations and encouragements are in deficit, team members received a much needed morale boost. The overall morale of a team has been observed to be greatly heightened after a CliftonStrengths team building workshop.
2. All new partnerships start with a Conversation
It begins with a conversation. As cliche as it sounds, new partnerships can be formed from having a conversation on how different strengths complement. It is one thing to discover why certain people work well together. It is another to intentionally build partnerships that revolve around different strengths that complement. One of the most powerful segments during an interactive workshop is called “getting the best of me”. It is so important to hear from our colleagues how they feel they can bring out their best at work and what support they need from the team.
3. Knowledge-Based Learning
Most team building activities are interactive and fun in nature and CliftonStrengths workshops are no different. One thing that stands out about a CliftonStrengths Team building workshop is that extra dimension of knowledge-based learning, especially in facilitating self-awareness and in gaining data to understand other colleagues. This is usually missing from the usual one-off team building cooking, art-jamming session or a laser quest mission.
A well facilitated CliftonStrengths workshop empowers and equips participants with practical handles on how to move forward with the knowledge gained. These handles allow the different team members to build on the positive energy gained from the workshop. Feedback from many participants have demonstrated that the strengths conversations that took place after the Strengthsfinder workshop usually transmit into greater synergy in the workplace.
4. Increase in An Individual's Self-Confidence and Self-Awareness
A well facilitated CliftonStrengths session is not only fun but participants leave with a greater level of self-awareness. By learning how they think, feel and behave in unique ways that are very different from their colleagues, participants have commented that the insights can help them in designing interventions for professional development. The knowledge gained from understanding their own strengths and the strengths of their colleagues gives people a renewed sense of confidence in themselves as well as for the team.
5. Understand How Strengths Cause Conflicts
A CliftonStrengths team building workshop helps participants understand how certain strengths among team members can clash and turn into potential conflicts. For example, a CliftonStrengths theme of Harmony prefers emotional efficiency while the theme of Strategic prefers operational efficiency. Harmony believes work gets done faster without the conflicts that suck up more emotional energy of the team. Strategic believes that efficiency lies in cutting down unnecessary steps even if the process has been established and executed in the past.
Such understanding and awareness usually helps people to realize how certain conflicts are non-personal in nature and is really a result of different perspectives. A CliftonStrengths workshop can provide participants with very effective handles on how to manage and resolve conflicts that happen in teams.
READ: Using CliftonStrengths to Resolve Conflicts
6. A Long Term Strategic Investment
A CliftonStrengths team building workshop is a long term strategic investment for companies as compared to one-off bonding sessions. Strategies to manage teams can become more customized because of the strengths data and hence more productive. Out of knowing different strengths of the team members, strategies devised can be more targeted especially in complex work environments.
It is often observed that after a CliftonStrengths team building workshop, many leaders take up the follow-up recommendation to receive individualized coaching. Often the purpose of the coaching session is to learn more about how to leverage the different strengths of the team members to grow team performances. This is one opportunity that can be captured after a CliftonStrengths team building workshop.
7. A Practical Alternative for DIVERSE Groups
A CliftonStrengths session provides a strong and practical alternative whenever a team building exercise needs to be catered to participants of a wide age range (or with vastly different physical fitness levels). The workshops usually take place indoors. While the activities are interactive and fun, they are not physical in nature and do not require any additional insurance liability coverage.
8. Understanding Human Relationships
The most common feedback from participants who attended the CliftonStrengths Team Building Workshops come down to understanding human relationships. "You learn to withhold your judgement because you now see a person for who they are and you learn to accept them”.
This is immensely transforming for any kind of human relationship!
Some Testimonials from TEAM Leaders
“Victor has been a very professional coach, walking with us patiently through our CliftonStrengths results. It was a fun and interactive team building workshop and we are glad to find out our individual strengths through this workshop. Thank you Victor!
Chloe Teo | Senior Director, Enterprise Clients | Colliers International
"The StrengthsFinder workshop went down very well with everyone and it struck me that was a near-perfect and flawless session. The session was very balanced, well-paced and well-organized. The session was peppered with personal (and often hilarious) anecdotes that the team found to be very helpful and relevant. Personally, understanding my own strengths and those of my team has helped to make sense of some of the behaviours from my team members and myself and caused me to make adjustments to some of the ways I interact with my team."
Wong Rin Rin | Former Legal Director & Associate General Counsel, Asia Pacific (MNC)
"The StrengthsFinder workshop was excellent and the feedback from all the team members was that it was one of the most valuable workshops they have been a part of. The concepts and team exercises certainly helped the teams to grasp the strength-based thinking, as well as enabled the team leads to get a closer view of their team dynamics, diversity and strengths."
Saurabh Mandal | Head – Supply Chain (MNC)
"As a Team Leader, I benefitted from understanding the team’s strengths and am glad that the team bonded from the workshop. The team really enjoyed the session. I will recommend this workshop to the other departments. It is beneficial to our personal lives as well as professional lives. Great job!"
Corrine Ee | Head of Distribution (MNC)
"The greatest benefit for me was to understand and start appreciating different talents of different individuals. That enables me to work better towards common goals. I find this workshop interactive, comprehensive and lively! I rate this workshop a 10/10!"
Michael Wu | Chief Financial Officer (MNC)
"This workshop helped me understand the team differences and what makes each person unique and what we have in common. I think this leadership program is a great one and I highly recommend it for leaders & teams."
Richa Goswami | Head of Digital, Asia Pacific (MNC)
How do I run the CliftonStrengths Team Workshop Programs?
Fun & Interactive, focusing on team DYNAMICS, TRUST BUILDING and EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™
8 things to know about CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains
Are you one of those who read the book Strengths-Based Leadership and wonder about how to interpret the four domains? Or are you one of those who got your results and wondered what the colors mean? Singapore CliftonStrengths Gallup Certified Coach, Victor Seet, gives his input and insights about the Four Domains of Leadership Strength and how leaders can interpret their results.
As a CliftonStrengths coach, whenever I facilitate leadership workshops across Singapore and Asia, I often get asked many questions about the CliftonStrengths profiling tool. One of the most common questions I've been asked has to do with the four domains of Leadership strengths. What do the domains mean and how should individuals interpret their CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) results based on the domains?
This article is written as a resource with the hope of answering some of the common questions asked. This article contains my own opinions as a Gallup Certified Coach, gathered from my training, facilitation and coaching experiences accumulated. Please feel free to check out some of the workshops I have conducted in this Portfolio.
Two key things to note as you read this article.
(1) CliftonStrengths is commonly positioned as a developmental tool and used by managers and coaches in a variety of ways.
(2) Similar to each of the CliftonStrengths assessment results, the way to interpret and understand a person's domain is uniquely individualized.
1. What are the CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Leadership Domains about?
Each of the 34 CliftonStrengths Talent Themes are categorized under four different domains, namely Executing, Influencing, Relationship Building and Strategic Thinking. These four domains are categorized by Gallup as a reference and for a different perspective on how the talent themes can be interpreted. The categories work more like a signpost and a guide. The different talent themes are surveyed and categorized in one of the four domains. The key idea is this: the type of activities linked to the particular domain will be the type of activities that the talent theme will most likely thrive in.
2. What is one common misconception that people have about the domains?
In my experience (as a Gallup Certified Coach), one of the most common misconceptions is people believe that a particular theme can only excel in the domain it is categorized in. This is definitely untrue. The categorization of the domains in no way suggests that a particular talent theme will not be able to function well in another domain. It is by no means exclusive. For example, the Learner theme, which is categorized under the Strategic Thinking domain, is often used to build relationships. Learners are curious. They use their curiosity to discover what makes their friends tick and what makes them upset. Learners are also curious to find out how they can strengthen their relationships with people from different communities.
The categorization of the domains simply highlights the area in which each talent theme can manifest its greatest impact when rightly engaged. When we subscribe to the common misconception, we will often believe an internal voice in our head: "Oh no, I do not have any strengths (in this domain)!" This deficit mindset causes the knowledge of the domains to be disempowering rather than empowering.
One of the most common thinking traps that Corporate Leaders fall into is this idea that "I need more people with Influencing Strengths". This is usually the instinctive response when a Team Leader begins to analyze the Team Strengths. Some even go as far as to comment that they need to hire people with specific influencing strengths (which are rare to come across). I usually have to spend time coaching the team leaders and help them understand how to develop their staff to leverage their non-influencing domain strengths to hit the objectives of influencing others.
3. How are the talent themes categorized and what does each domain mean?
The CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Talent Themes that are categorized in the Executing domain include Achiever, Arranger, Belief, Consistency, Deliberative, Discipline, Focus, Responsibility and Restorative. You can read more specifically about any of the talent themes in the 34 CliftonStrengths theme articles I have written.
When your talent themes are largely Executing in nature, it means you are someone who often intuitively wants to get things done and finish tasks successfully. The structure, system, budget, processes, timeline and rules are usually areas you are concerned about. While you might be often thought of as being task-oriented, people who work with you know that you can be highly depended on to get things done.
The CliftonStrengths Talent Themes that are categorized in the Strategic Thinking domain include Analytical, Context, Futuristic, Ideation, Input, Intellection, Learner and Strategic.
When your talent themes are mostly Strategic Thinking in nature, it means you are someone who loves thinking. Your playground is in your mind. Facts, data, concepts, ideas, strategies, dreams, and having a big picture are often areas that are of concern to you. You need to know the purpose behind a plan. You enjoy opportunities to create new strategies and explore ideas and meaning. You need room to imagine, and you need your mind to be engaged. People who work with you know that you are often a source of wisdom, counsel and ideas because of your agile mind.
The CliftonStrengths Talent Themes that are categorized in the Influencing domain include Activator, Command, Communication, Competition, Maximizer, Significance, Self-Assurance and Woo.
When your talent themes are largely Influencing in nature, it means you are someone who wants to rally people towards a particular direction. People see you as someone with lots of energy. You are more likely to be perceived as an extrovert than introvert. You are concerned with motivating others, persuading others to take action, and pushing others towards breakthrough. The freedom to speak out, freedom to act, and freedom to make changes are often areas you are concerned with. People who work with you know that you are passionate when it comes to inspiring and rallying others for a cause. The Influencing talent themes are rarer (statistically) compared to others. It is extremely rare to find someone with all their 5 top strengths in this domain. I had the privilege of conducting an interview with Singaporean, Joey Ong, who is one of the few rare ones in the world who have such a combination.
The CliftonStrengths Talent Themes that are categorized in the Relationship Building domain include Adaptability, Connectedness, Developer, Empathy, Harmony, Includer, Individualization, Relator and Positivity.
When your strengths are largely relationship building in nature, it means you are someone who often wants to show care and concern to others, often through an emotional connection. People see you as someone who cares. You send the message that human relationships triumph over everything. You are concerned with authenticity, encouragement, listening to the unvoiced, and ensuring no one is left out. Hearing the hearts of people, feeling their emotions and connecting to communities are often areas you are concerned with. People who work with you know that you are well aware of the human needs of people and you are highly sensitive to them. I found a unique pair of Singaporean siblings who both had the same five strengths (in different order) and interestingly, all five of their strengths fall in the relationship building domain.
4. How do the CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains affect people and tasks?
In my personal opinion, we can also divide the four CliftonStrengths Leadership domains into two general categories - task-oriented or people-oriented. Strategic Thinking and Executing strengths are primarily task-oriented. It isn't the case that they do not care about relationships—only that they enjoy finishing the tasks at hand and they leverage the different tasks to build relationships with others. The Influencing and Relationship Building strengths are primarily people-oriented. For these two domains, it's not that the task is unimportant, only that the tasks are completed because they give meaning to the relationships that exist. Simply put, their motivation to complete the tasks comes from the relationships they are building.
5. Why is it important to understand the CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains?
Domains help us to understand strengths from another angle. It is discovered that a well-rounded team with a representation of talent themes in each of these four domains often have valuable contributions that lead to high levels of performance. In the Strengths-Based Leadership philosophy, it is often taught that individuals need not be well-rounded, but teams should be.
As individuals, by understanding our dominant domains (the domain that most of our strengths lie in), we can understand the kind of tasks we are likely to excel in. We become aware of our biggest contributions to the team we are in. This knowledge also helps us to seek complementary partnerships. We can seek partners to leverage and strengthen the domains we are not so dominant in. Understanding domains also gives us an idea of how we usually impose ourselves on others (often without much awareness) - through the lenses of the domain filters. This understanding allows us to have greater self-awareness and help us regulate our behaviors when it comes to working in a team. Understanding domains thus opens up new possibilities for us to grow our talents into strengths. Domains also allow a team to know from another perspective the areas it needs to watch out for in terms of its most competitive edge and its weakest link.
6. What does it mean when a person's strengths are dominant in a particular domain?
It essentially means that the tasks and scope of work in that particular domain will be the individual's greatest value-add to any team or community that they are in. These people will often feel most engaged when they contribute in their strongest domain (provided that their contributions are also appreciated by the team). A team leader would do well to take note of such a great value that exists in the team, and intentionally create opportunities that can leverage and maximize this person’s unique contribution.
Team Leaders should also note that the reverse is true. When someone whose strengths dominate a particular domain but feel that the tasks and responsibilities given do not give opportunities for the strengths to be sufficiently-engaged, then this individual is likely to become disengaged over time. Team Leaders will do well to intervene and make quick and necessary adjustments.
7. What if an individual's strengths are evenly spread out among all the domains?
There is no cause for alarm. Firstly, this person can give different perspectives (spanning across all domains) without overweighing a particular area. This person's views will tend towards being a more "balanced" one and that is a great value-add to any team. Most people usually overweigh their judgements in a particular domain.
8. What are some things I should watch out for if I am very strong in one particular domain?
In my personal opinion (as a Gallup Certified Coach), there are a few points to be noted:
The perspectives in that particular domain can be extremely strong. Any job that does not strongly engage the strengths in that domain can easily lead to the person becoming disillusioned. For people who have 4 or 5 of their dominant themes in one particular StrengthsFinder domain, they need to be quite selective in the job they are in. Regular check-ins with the manager is helpful to ensure sufficient engagement.
A person who dominates a particular domain needs to form good partnerships with others who are strong in the other domains. (For example, as a person high in influencing and executing, I intentionally surround myself with people high in Empathy, Positivity, Harmony. I do so to grow my relational skills as well as to leverage their unique insights and perspectives to grow my strengths). Strong partnerships can be formed by operating in humility and being very conscious of the need to be interdependent. By being very open to the perspectives of others (especially in the weaker domains), blind spots can be uncovered. This naturally gives the individual a greater chance of success as he or she focuses on strengths and manages weaknesses.
A person needs to have a deep sense of security about themselves. Unfortunately, what usually becomes the talking point among others are usually the domains that an individual lacks rather than the one that individual is strong in. We live in a world filled with people who look more at the bad rather than the good (I believe this mindset can be changed, but I’m just being a little realistic here.)
While I believe strongly that #EveryoneNeedsAcoach, I would strongly advise a person with very dominant strengths in one domain to find a personal coach or mentor who understands how to bring out the best in him/her.
Concluding Thoughts: This topic on the CliftonStrengths Leadership domains remains one of the most important areas to be understood, especially for Managers and Team Leaders. In a very competitive business environment, the leader who can strongly leverage on the unique contributions of each team member is the one who can lead a team to perform at a very high level. Gallup's research has shown that it is the role of the manager to have the wisdom and understanding to create such a culture. I strongly believe this to be true.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™
The Four Archetypes of Learners - Coaching Guide
There are many different types of learners observed in the context of work and life. This article aims to bring out these distinctions for greater self-awareness. Singapore Ontological Coach, Victor Seet, shares the four archetypes of Learners as a coaching guide.
As a professional coach based in Singapore, I am passionate about helping people gain deeper levels of self awareness. I believe that in doing so, individuals can use the learnings to achieve more effective results in the area of personal growth and development.
This article is on the topic of learning and covers the different archetypes of learners. It is a follow up to the piece I wrote on the 15 beliefs that hinder learning. Both articles are written with the desire to create deeper self awareness.
As you have a read about the four archetypes of learners, my wish is that you can use the information to do a simple profile of yourself. See if you can identify a particular archetype that you might be engaging with consistently.
THE Dabbler
The Dabbler says “I want to pick up this skill as a hobby. It looks fun. The joy of learning is very important to me. I find lots of joy when I started off as a beginner and acquire the basic competency. I feel happy that I can tell myself and others that I now know this skill.”
“I’m not looking to excel. Longer term practice might not be part of the purpose I pick up this skill. I will work hard to acquire the skill to a basic competency level and I’ll be very satisfied. After that, I will move on to the next skill that I find interesting. At work, I am usually seen as a dynamic all-rounder, who has the required competencies of many different inter-connected skills relevant to my job scope and role. I am also known as the one who is constantly picking up new hobbies. I love work environments that are highly dynamic. I love the type of work that provides many opportunities to learn different types of skills.”
The Obsessive
The Obsessive says “I am results oriented and performance oriented. I am the type of person who is determined to reach my goals and my key performance indicators (KPIs). When I learn, it’s tied to my Return On Investment (ROI). The skill I am practicing must make me better and help me achieve my personal and professional goals. At work, I am usually seen as the outstanding performer.”
“Whenever I am not gaining the results from my learning practices, I’ll re-examine the process and find different ways to make it better. I take pride in producing results through my learnings and hard work. My satisfaction comes from the results I receive and not so much the joy of learning. The time to stop is when my goals have changed or I assess that the ROI is not worth the trade-off of my energy, time and resources.”
The Hacker
The Hacker says “I’m interested in finding the fastest way to pick up the new skill. I enjoy the hacking process. Finding shortcuts gives me the thrill and satisfaction. It’s about the speed of learning and knowing I can hack my way through. I’m not concerned if I have missed the foundations required for long term success. I feel happy when I get quick results from my initial investment.”
“Being seen as smart and a fast learner is important to me. I am often seen as the one who can deliver quick results within a short time frame. People see me as a good problem solver in time-sensitive situations because of my ability to hack my way through.“
The Master
The Master says “I’m in for the long haul. I believe in being the Master in a particular field. I understand the process of learning and how my body will take time to learn. I believe that a person needs to be consistent on this path towards being a master and there are no shortcuts to mastery. I will not rush through the learning process. I am determined to persevere through the periods of plateau. The plateau is necessary for my body to learn and adjust.”
“I fully embrace the paradox of being both the expert and a beginner as I pursue mastery. I believe in the Growth Mindset and I work hard to seek continuous improvement. I’ll enrol teachers and mentors into my practice and actively get supervision and feedback. At work, I am often seen as the leading authority in a particular field. I hope to be able to guide others as well in pursuing this pathway of mastery.”
SUMMARY:
Here’s four questions for your reflection and application as you consider these four archetypes of learners.
Which of these archetypes do you identify with most often (show up a lot in your life?
Which area of your life does other archetypes show up?
What advantages and disadvantages has the dominant archetype brought for you?
As you learn the distinctions of each archetype, what might be the next steps for you?
**IMPORTANT NOTE: The profiles are not my own and are adapted from the book “Mastery” by George Leonard. I will like to acknowledge his great work that has been extremely useful for my own learning. I have added in my own inputs and assessments as a Professional Coach so that readers can use the archetypes to generate more awareness in the day to day working contexts.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™
Coaching - the Competency Needed to Develop Future Leaders
As an ontological coach practicing in a human resource consulting firm, I have observed that there has been an increase in demand for coaching services and coaching training in organizations. This article explores why organizations and leaders might want to consider how coaching can take care of an important aspect in every organization - the need to develop future leaders.
With the aging workforce, leadership renewal has been a greatly discussed topic for many organizations. As the workforce is slowly populated with Generation Z workers, it is imperative for organizations seeking renewal, to be more prepared by anticipating what the younger generations are seeking.
It is observed that coaching, as a leadership competency, seems well-suited to develop young talent to take on leadership roles. The process of coaching invites self-reflection and self-assessment, which helps individuals grow in personal wisdom and performance for sustained personal effectiveness. Through coaching, the individual is able to apply their self-discovered solutions, and ideas to different situations and contexts they encounter. For this purpose of developing future talent, present leaders should consider the need to develop coaching skills for themselves.
Why Coaching is key to develop Future Leaders?
1. Empowerment is prized over Instruction
The newest member of the workforce, Generation Z, grew up having access to an infinite amount of information. This generation is more used to turning to Google and other social media platforms for answers rather than their managers, teachers or parents. They prefer self-directed learning. They will fact-check against what their parents, teachers and managers have told them. In fact, they might be used to challenging what people in authority says. On top of that, the digital world has also created platforms like YouTube and Tik Tok that allow multitude of voices to be heard. Therefore, the need is learning how to better process and make sense of the immense amount of information that the digital world provides. Growing up with these lenses mean that the new generation of workers preferred not to be told what to do. What this then means is that, this new generation seeks empowerment over instruction.
By using coaching skills in the right situations, leaders can be effective in helping young talent find their own voices. Putting on a coaching hat releases the burden of leaders needing to know all the answers and telling employees what to do. Instead, coaching helps leaders connect with people, partner with them to co-create solutions, and support them to grow. Ultimately, coaching empowers employees to take ownership by challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own.
2. Wisdom is prized over Knowledge
The conventional way of educating is based on the idea that information is highly inaccessible. The professors and experts are highly respected and revered. In today’s digital world, the new generation of workers are recognizing that more information may not necessarily mean greater wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are distinct. The new generation sees wisdom as the ability to process information and generate insights. They prized wisdom above being knowledgeable. After all, gaining knowledge is now perceived to just involved googling.
Coaching, on the hand, can distinctly meet the needs of the new generation. The conventional downloading approach thrives on the concept of putting information and knowledge into people; coaching thrives on the idea of drawing out wisdom. The downloading approach sees people as empty containers that need to be filled (an example – giving advice); coaching sees people like a search engine, a good input can draw out and unlock its potential.
To attract and engage talents, it’s imperative that leaders are able to help the young develop wisdom. Considerably coaching is a skill that leaders use to achieve this outcome. They do that by asking the good questions.
3. Listening is prized over Speaking
It is not unreasonable to assess that more people are looking for leaders who can make them feel that they are heard. There are enough data that shows people are wishing that their leaders show more empathy. And listening is a key component to demonstrate empathy. Previously, many might be wishing that their leaders are like Ted speakers who can present data and tell stories in a compelling way. Effective communication is associated with the ability to speak well. We might have undervalued the importance of listening in leadership. Today, in the midst of so much noise, there is a significant shift. The younger generation is wanting less of information and advice-giving. The younger generation is looking for leaders who are willing to listen and empower. In listening, trust is generated and relationships are deepened. Coaching fulfills both the needs of listening and empowering.
As leaders, parents, educators, coaching skills will greatly increase our ability to build and deepen relationships with those we care for.
Invest into the future
Increasingly, more and more organizations are recognizing the need for coaching as a key leadership competency to develop future leaders. It is also undeniable that coaching is perhaps more sustainable and effective in the context of generating trust, enhancing team collaboration, increasing productivity and engaging young talents.
If you are an organization leader reading this, how are you preparing and nurturing your next generation of leaders?
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
*This article was first written and published for Capelle Consulting.
How do I do Meaningful and Purposeful Work?
Have you been pondering about doing meaningful and purposeful work especially in this season? This article is sparked by a particular coaching session. Ontological Leadership Coach, Victor Seet, attempts to provide some guidance in the form of reflection questions.
Gallup reported that many want to have meaningful and purposeful work. Have you been pondering about meaning and purpose at work in this season of your life?
If you are, I will like to invite you to stop, reflect and consider these three key questions:
What does meaningful or purposeful work mean to you?
Is it about finding work activities that motivate you?
Is it about connecting personal values to the work you are tasked to do?
Is it about connecting your work to a higher purpose (saving the earth, serving my country, living out my faith etc)?
Is it about building meaningful relationships at work?
Is it about doing work that meets the needs of the society and getting paid for it?
There are many variations of doing meaningful work and it is important that we know what meaningful and purposeful work mean to us.
2. How often do you do work on yourself?
Doing and Being are connected as closely as thinking and feeling. We can’t have one without the other. DOING meaningful work doesn’t happen without integrating with our BEING and Identity. Doing meaningful work (externally focused) is strongly tied to doing work on our Being (internally focused - examining our values, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, moods and emotions, strengths and weaknesses, blindspots etc). The two words “meaningful work” involve intentional and thoughtful work.
Behind our Being and Doing are a set of skills and habits that we acquired over the course of our lives. Examining these skills and habits regularly helps us to build stronger foundations and capacity to grow.
I will like to invite you to ponder the below questions.
Do you think about your thinking and how to improve the quality of your thinking?
Do you examine your habits and how they have enabled you to grow? Are you in need of building new habits to grow your capacity?
Do you examine your emotional habits and notice your mood patterns? How do your emotional habits empower or disempower you in doing purposeful, productive work or deeper relationships?
Do you actively get feedback and be curious about your strengths and areas that you can intentionally develop?
Do you learn about the way you learn to actively adapt in a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world?
Do you examine and test how your lifestyle and decisions are aligned with your value system?
3. How much do you invest in your own growth?
We spent money, time and energy in many areas - our family, physical health, financial health, romance, hobbies, career progression etc. How much do we invest in our own development and growth?
Think about this: Why do some people invest in themselves through
coaching;
therapy;
personal development and training programs;
spiritual retreats (just to name a few examples)?
Why do some people invest time, energy and money in developing themselves and some do not? Which category do you belong to and why? What do you think is the relationship between your own personal growth and all the other areas that you are investing resources in?
A Coaching Story:
In a particular coaching session which sparked this article, a client (let’s called him M) articulated that whenever he thinks about his career, he will unconsciously switched to a particular thinking pattern - that of considering risks, scenarios of possible failures and his level of competencies and skills.
I asked M: “how does this way of thinking serve or not serve you when you are pondering about your career?”
The response was interesting: “This way of thinking is prudent, down to earth and pragmatic and it helps me to be careful about my future choices. It also does not help me dream big.”
As M verbalized his thoughts, it dawned on him that this thinking pattern might not serve him in the area of dreaming about his future. He desired a new way of thinking to broaden his horizon of possibilities. He acknowledged that he needed to work on his thinking habits and build new ones to increase his capacity to dream.
I asked M: “what kind of thinking pattern or mindset have you used in the past to help you move ahead despite uncertainties?”
M: (Pause)….I can learn as I go along…and I have done this many times in the past. That has helped me overcome my fears in uncertainties. Perhaps I can explore my career by looking back at the different skill sets I have picked up successfully and what new skills I need to pick up. I don’t have to be restricted by the current set of skills I have when I explore a career path.
Ending note: I love how M shifted his perspective and the smile he had on his face as he discovered a new possibility in his thinking. Doing meaningful and purposeful work involves intentional and thoughtful work. Doing self-work is often the starting point in the whole process. When we get do work on our BEING, what we need to DO becomes much clearer.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
13 Principles of Creative Leadership
What makes a creative individual a proven leader? How can creative individuals exercise Creative Leadership? Inspired by a book by Paul Arden, ICF and Gallup Coach, Victor Seet, shares some of his ideas on principles of creative leadership.
I have been pondering a lot recently about creativity and innovation. How can we differentiate creative individuals who are good and those who are great?
Perhaps one way of examining is to look at a person's Creative Leadership.
How do I define Creative Leadership? There are many who are creative but not every creative person possesses leadership qualities. Many creative people often face challenges of having their imaginative ideas knocked down by others. It is never easy to have people buying in to a fresh and innovative idea which is more likely than not, unproven. Many creative people give up when they face setbacks. Those with Creative Leadership do not. Those with Creative Leadership influence with their ideas. They find different ways to get others to buy into their innovations. They are highly resilient. They have guiding principles and beliefs that help them overcome challenges and drive innovation. When no one believes in their innovative ways and ideas, those with Creative Leadership have these guiding principles and beliefs as anchors that motivate them to stay on the cutting edge.
Can Creative Leadership be learned? I believe it can be.
I was inspired by some simple but powerful creative leadership principles from a book by the influential Paul Arden. That book got me to think about how people can grow their Creative Leadership by intentionally engaging different strengths in a connected fashion. In CliftonStrengths or StrengthsFinder lingo, the interaction between different strengths is called Theme Dynamics.
Inspired by the book, I connected 13 Creative Leadership principles I have learnt (over the years and through the book) to different CliftonStrengths Theme Dynamics, using the Ideation theme as an anchor. There is also an application question for each of the principles (I'm an Activator). While it is true that each of the 34 CliftonStrengths themes can be used to contribute in the area of creativity, I have chosen the Ideation theme as the anchor for an obvious reason - many people who are known to be creative and innovative have the CliftonStrengths Ideation theme in their top 5 or dominant CliftonStrengths themes. They are full of imagination.
How can those with Ideation grow in their Creative Leadership?
Principle 1: My vision is the greatest creative asset I have.
Ideation and Futuristic: As an Inventor and Creator, my vision is the greatest asset I have. I can dream about that one idea that can break new grounds. I can dream about the product or service I can create that will change the world. I can dream about the positive culture that I can create. The people who succeeded believe in a world that can be co-created. They believe in a world of possibilities when others do not dare to dream.
Application: What ideas can I act on now and what new ideas do I need to move towards my vision?
Principle 2: Aim for the unachievable!
Ideation and Achiever: As a creative individual, I need to aim beyond what I am capable of. I need to develop a complete disregard for where others say my abilities end. I need to develop great ideas and ways to do the things I feel I might be incapable of. It is no longer good enough to create better products or better processes. I need to be the disruptor of industries. Nothing is impossible.
Application: What is one achievement I deeply desire and how can I disrupt myself to achieve what might seem impossible?
Principle 3: My innovations are cutting edge.
Ideation and Self-Assurance: The fact is that the cleverest people in school are not necessarily those who achieve success in life. I can be confident of my creative abilities and the innovation I bring to any team. I am confident in taking risks. The creativity I possess can break through many boundaries and barriers. Entrepreneur or intrapreneur, I can be the Creative Pioneering Leader whose innovations will be cutting edge.
Application: What is one area that I can pioneer or a new ground I can break into using my innovative ideas?
Principle 4. Seek feedback (and embrace criticisms).
Ideation and Input: As a creative person seeking for excellence, I need to be open to feedback and criticism and having people tell me what's the problem. When I accept criticism, I am more likely to get improvements on my ideas. I am still in a position to reject the criticism if I think it's wrong. Creative Leaders exercise humility.
Application: Who can I get feedback from to grow and refine my ideas?
Principle 5: Take extreme ownership
Ideation and Responsibility: I must imagine I’m a Navy Seal. I'm fighting at the front line. There is no time to play the blame game. Whenever a problem arises, I must accept full responsibility even if I'm only partially involved. By doing this, I'm always in a position to do something to resolve any issues and I can make a positive difference. Creative Leaders must have extreme ownership.
Application: What issues do I need to start owning so that I can drive solutions and implement ideas?
Principle 6: Give away everything I know!
Ideation & Command: Many remarkable leaders are generous givers. On the contrary, there are leaders who hoard ideas and are fearful of their ideas being stolen. I cannot be a hoarder. The problem with hoarding is that I end up living off my reserves and soon I'll become stale. I must learn to give away my ideas! It takes courage to do that but eventually more will come back to me. Giving away forces me to look, to be aware, to replenish. Clarity comes from an uncluttered mind. Eventually, I will train myself to be sharper than those who simply take ideas from others.
Application: Who can I share my ideas with so that my innovations can reach more people?
Principle 7: Act on the opportunity you have now!
Ideation and Activator: I must make use of the opportunity I have now to contribute my creativity. The opportunity is right here. I don't need to look for the best one. I can make full use of the opportunities I have now and make the best I can towards contributing creatively. The results might not always be great but at least I will get the satisfaction of trying out my ideas. Over time, I will gain the experience of knowing what kind of opportunities I can grab and what kind of ideas I can easily implement to have quick wins. That will help me mature as a Creative Leader. Gaining a quick momentum is a critical way to pull apart from competition.
Application: What is one area of opportunity that I can see which allows me to use my creative ideas? Who can I offer my creativity to?
Principle 8: Don't take "NO" for an answer!
Ideation and Strategic: I need to keep pushing through for a YES. I need to find alternatives. I need to find a path that will bring a YES! I need to have a resilient mindset and keep exploring new grounds to advance forward. When people say it can't be done, I need to do it. If I don't do it, it doesn't exist. I will be known to be the kind of Creative Leader who creates a path towards success.
Application: What areas do I need to exercise my out-of-the-box thinking and strategies towards to get the results I want?
Principle 9: Failures can give birth to great ideas!
Ideation and Learner: I can learn a lot from my failures and I need to get used to not getting it right. To hone my creative skills is to pick myself up and to learn from every experience. I must intentionally learn from others as well. I can brainstorm better ideas because I grew smarter and wiser. Creative Leaders bounce back up to produce even greater innovations. I will be the Creative Leader who broke through because I never gave up learning.
Application: What is an area of learning that can propel me to be better at brainstorming ideas and create innovative solutions?
Principle 10: Don’t just give a speech. Put on a show!
Forget double shot. Strengths Mug makes your coffee strong!
Ideation and Communication: I must accentuate the positive. I can dramatize what is right. Wow a crowd and bring in the positive emotions. Exaggerate an action. Ideas are often captured by the fresh emotions presented in captivating ways and often through stories! I will be the Creative Marketing Leader who can sell ice to eskimos.
Application: What is one idea I can talk about and what stories can I tell to catch people’s attention and make it stick?
Principle 11: Work with the Best (even if they are weirdos)
Ideation and Maximizer: I need to work with the best creative people. Sometimes they might be difficult to work with but most of these people have excellent qualities that I can learn from. And the fact is, it's probably better than working with Mr Average Nice Guy. Iron sharpens iron.
Application: Who is one creative person I can reach out to have a brainstorming session?
Principle 12: Be a Legend!
Ideation and Significance: Most of us want to work for great companies and great teams. Start thinking and behaving like a winner. I need to stop expecting my managers to lead the way. They are too busy trying to run the company. I need to decide that I'm going to make the company great or at least make a difference. Many companies and great teams are usually built on one or two persons. I must be that person or one of them.
Application: How can I create a legacy in my company through my innovations? Where are the areas within the company that I can offer my creative energy to?
Principle 13: 'ASTONISH ME!’
Ideation and Individualization: Make people feel special! It is about the end user. It is about the individual. Products that are highly customized to fit the uniqueness of the human race catch the consumers by surprise.
Application: How can my ideas be so highly customized that they will have the WOW factor?
Concluding Thoughts: When we leverage our different strengths and engage them in a connected way intentionally, we produce a greater performance. Creative leaders do that regularly and produce consistent outstanding innovations. When they face setbacks, they overcome their challenges by intentionally engaging their different strengths.
"How can you intentionally engage your strengths to drive innovations today?"
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Working with Emotions in Coaching
Many might think working with emotions belong to the work of counsellors and therapists. Working with emotions in coaching might sound strange for some. In this article, Ontological Leadership Coach Victor Seet writes about why and how can a coach work with clients in the areas of their emotions.
As an ontological coach, I love working with my clients on their moods and emotions. That wasn’t always the case when I started out as a coach. I needed to learn how to work with my own emotions and be comfortable with them.
There are probably different ways you can define emotions if you plough through books, research work, online articles. This article isn’t about defining what emotions are. Rather, this article is written to share coaching distinctions and how you (regardless of whether you are a coach) can work with others about their emotions.
The three coaching distinctions I hope to share about emotions are feeling, expressing and naming.
1.What is feeling an emotion and how does this help a client?
Feeling an emotion helps us understand and distinguish what is happening on the inside of us. In simple terms, when we “feel” an emotion, we receive a message from our body and brain. Feeling an emotion allows us to notice that an emotion exists within and it is “messaging” us. Feeling and noticing our emotions therefore is the first step to be conscious and be aware there is something in the background that affects our thoughts, decisions and ultimately our quality of life. Feeling an emotion can be physiological in many ways. You will have heard terms like butterflies in the stomach, the nausea of disgust, the heaviness of sadness, the fast pounding heartbeat of terror and horror, the flushed cheeks of embarrassment and the lightness of joy. It is worthwhile noting that we cannot change what we don’t notice. Denying or avoiding feelings doesn’t make the emotions go away.
A coach might ask:
How are you feeling right now as we are talking?
When you feel this way, what facial expression do you notice you have?
What are some things you notice about your body in terms of tension, lightness, pain, heat, tightness etc?When you feel this way, what are your internal narratives or hidden thoughts?
2. What is expressing an emotion and how does this help us?
Expressing an emotion helps us to communicate to others and letting others know the state we are in. Examples of expressing our emotion include letting the tears flow, gritting our teeth, literally laughing out loud etc. By expressing our emotions, we can better manage even the most difficult of emotions. That helps us to receive support, relieve stress and deepen our emotional intimacy with others. I will add that expressing our emotions at the right time and to the right people does require wisdom (we shall not discuss this here). It is also often said that the most common unexpressed emotions in the workplace revolve around suffering.
A coach might ask:
How much freedom do you give yourself in expressing your emotions?
Whom do you usually express your emotions to?
Are there certain emotions you will not express? Why?
What might stop you from expressing your emotions?
3. What is naming an emotion and how does this help us?
Naming help us to identify what we are feeling and allow us to make choices about what to do with them. Being able to name or label our emotions can have the effect of lessening the burden or reducing the hold that the emotion has on us. There is a distance that is created once we can name the specific emotion. An individual can now separate the emotion from the person and identify the emotion as “it”. When we put feelings into words, we are essentially hitting the brakes on our emotional responses. This ability to create a distance then empowers us to choose how to respond rather than react. In my own research as a coach, I found that there are studies that show that people who could name or label their emotions could perform better than those who could not name their emotions.
A coach might ask:
What adjectives come to mind if you are to describe how you feel?
Are there any picture, analogy, metaphor, cartoon character or story that might be helpful to describe your emotion?
What will be an emoticon that you will choose to represent how you feel?
Conclusion: You might be curious: Why does a coach (like myself) explore with clients about their emotions?
Our emotional state profoundly influences our well-being and performances at work. It can be very helpful to view emotions as tools in our toolbox. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, resentment aren’t necessarily bad. They can actually produce positive results when we know how to direct them. For example, fear is the emotion that helps us drive safely on the road (though this is so obvious that we miss it).
Emotions can be dangerous when we have little awareness of what these emotions are doing and how they can become destructive. By helping a client learn now they feel, express and name emotions, a coach is effectively helping a client take responsibility and ownership for these emotions. This process empowers a client to make decisions to improve their well-being and performance. This is why I love coaching. #justsaying
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Why Complementary Partnerships Do Not Always Work
Experiencing tension in your partnership with someone? Wondering what started out as a great partnership has now caused some anxiety? Ontological Leadership Coach, Victor Seet, writes about navigating polarities using the specific example of complementary partnerships.
Extreme cold burns. When we hold an ice cube tightly in our hand, we can feel the burning effect on our skin. This picture illustrates the danger of being overly biased towards a particular viewpoint, to the extent of ignoring other perspectives. That was the pain I faced for oversubscribing to the idea of complementary partnership. Through the therapy sessions I attended together with my wife, I also gained awareness that there was another side of the coin. The therapist named the two sides: "Complementary and Reciprocity”.
Complementary and Reciprocity Polarity
Around the same time, I went through a course called “Polarity Thinking”. What are polarities, you might ask? Polarities are inter-dependent and seemingly opposite choices or actions. One simple example of a polarity is inhaling and exhaling. Putting two and two together, I reflected and realized that Complementary and Reciprocity is a polarity. This article is about my assessment of this polarity and the learnings I have gained from trying to deal more effectively with the tension presented.
Let me first describe what happened before I share my personal assessment of how I understood this polarity.
Complementary Dynamic
My marriage partnership works in a particular way. My wife and I have our own assessment of each other's strengths and we tend to negotiate the tasks we have to do through these lens. These tasks can range from putting the kids to bed to bathing the kids to buying groceries and ensuring the kids have done their homework. The ownership of these some of the tasks are negotiated and agreed upon verbally. Sometimes, certain tasks are initiated by one party (usually the one who is stronger in that area) who identifies the need to step up and complete the task. Usually, the one who initiates the task will also end up being responsible for the task if it recurs over time. This is an unspoken expectation in our partnership.
What I just described is a complementary partnership. It is a kind of mindset that adopts a strengths-based approach: the belief that when people operate from a place of strengths, the results are far better than when people operate out of weaknesses. Individuals are usually seen as specialists.
The Tension
This approach seemed great initially because it produced results. However, there was an increasing number of conflicts in our marriage which also seemed to suggest that not all was well. Over the course of time, because of different levels of stress that resulted from the work front, we both began to feel the burden of managing our home. Our family size had also grown and there were a greater number of shared responsibilities. There were days when the resulting stress from work and from home caused either one of us to feel a huge level of burden. On such days, there was a deep desire of wanting the other person to understand the challenges faced and the sacrifices endured to carry out and complete the responsibilities at home.
Such a desire, however, did not align with the complementary mindset (where individuals are responsible for their own tasks and had little understanding and possibly empathy about the challenges and stress that came from tasks that belonged to other parties). The resulting anxiety from the increased stress usually bubbled over into conflicts. New narratives started to develop in our minds: “Why are you not helping me? Why do you leave me to fend for myself? I feel very lonely in this journey."
Sometimes, the other party tries to help. However, since he/she is not good at the task, the results unfortunately are usually compromised. This is expected since the person handling the task lacks competency and experience. In this scenario, another kind of conflict happens as a result:
Person A: "You seemed to be causing more harm than good. I’m now more stressed than before you took over the tasks. In future, I will be better off doing these tasks myself.”
Person B: “I’m trying my best to help you with these tasks so that your stress can be reduced. I’m learning to do these things that I am greatly lacking in skills and experience. I have no intention to cause any trouble. Why can’t you see that I’m trying my best effort to care for you?”
From a sense of helplessness, the emotion soon became one of frustration and anger. Over time, it became a sense of resignation. These emotion were very real and were felt deeply by both of us.
The Reciprocity Dynamic
The above narrative shows that we attempted to shift (albeit compelled by circumstances) towards the reciprocity dynamic from the complementary dynamic. The reciprocity dynamic (in my assessment) adopts a different kind of mindset: individuals should be well-rounded and have the ability to learn and execute any task. Tasks are mutually inter-changeable. Individuals are seen more as generalists. This dynamic usually empowers individuals to switch roles easily and create the ability to empathize with each other’s challenges. In our case, reciprocity means the ability to take on and execute the tasks that usually the spouse is responsible for and meeting the required expectations. Because of our biases toward the complementary dynamic, you can imagine the struggle for us to adapt to the reciprocity dynamic.
Navigating Polarities
The navigation of polarities first starts by acknowledging that the 2 seemingly opposite ends are quite inter-dependent. In life, because of the different seasons brought about by external changes (such as having a newborn, changing of jobs etc), there is usually a cyclical flow from one end to the other and back. A bias toward one side naturally means there is a resistance when there is a need to shift. The pain and grief produced is often a result of the resistance.
How can we navigate polarities effectively?
We need to be aware of the specific polarity and understand the benefits brought about by both perspectives. Naming the polarity is therefore critical. The therapy session gave this polarity a name and helped my wife and I to gain awareness. From the awareness, we now understand the reciprocity dynamic and the key benefits from operating from that approach when necessary.
There is a need to move past an “either/or” understanding and create a space in which “both/and” thinking can be applied. This is the management of polarities. In my personal context, this is about creating a space where both complementary and reciprocity can be applied to my marriage.
We needed to be intentional in creating opportunities to recreate the cyclical flow (with smaller stakes and therefore less risky implementation). Let me give you an example:
Imagine that my wife plans a short 3 days 2 nights getaway for herself. This vacation can actually become a way to execute a short and manageable shift towards the reciprocity dynamic in our marriage. One of the things I can do is to work out ways in which I can take on her responsibilities while she is away. I can try to do this in advance, rather than trying to find external help in order to outsource all her responsibilities. I can also sit down with her and understand what needs to happen, observe her carry out the tasks and learn from her. Concurrently, she can also learn to impart what she is naturally good at, which would allow me to learn on-the-job and gain experience in fulfilling the task well. If the focus is on imparting for her and learning for me, the result of the task is secondary and less stressful. Both actions by each of us produce a manageable and temporary adoption of the reciprocity dynamic. Eventually, the vacation will come to an end and the flow from reciprocity will shift back towards the complementary. However, the result of such a process is that both parties would have increased their capacity (or range) to navigate this polarity more effectively.
Conclusion:
There are many polarities that are actually not extreme opposites, unlike what the world has us believe. They are inter-dependent and both yield benefits in different seasons. This ability to navigate polarities is increasingly needed and I’m personally glad to have learnt how to navigate this particular polarity with greater effectiveness.
**To married couples: In the trending “work from home” arrangements, how about trying some “reciprocity”? Learn / Do something that is usually done by your spouse and have some conversations around these tasks. Might be interesting…
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.