The Wall of Emotions

Someone once said to me many years ago:

“Victor, you have been married for 12 years right? If you don’t tear down the wall that stopped you from engaging emotionally, your marriage might not last 20 (years).”

We are emotional beings long before we are logical ones. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame - these live in our bodies like weather systems. But somewhere along my own journey, I’ve learnt how not to feel, but to manage. I’ve learnt how not to express, but to understand emotions from a safe distance. I learn to talk about emotions without ever really sitting in them. And so, brick by brick, I built the Wall.

The Wall of Emotions isn’t loud. It’s quiet and functional. It lets me perform, lead, show up, even love (to a certain extent). Others feel my love by what I do for them. In CliftonStrengths language, I am an Activator and I’m a Achiever. I am fast to act and I believe that others feel my love by what I do for them.

But this wall has a way to stop me from going deeper in connecting with others. I often talk about stress but never could name the loneliness under it. I might name the sadness, but I never cry in public. The Wall protects me, but I never knew that it also isolates me. I have often felt lonely even when I am constantly surrounded by people. Over time, others around me including my wife feel something missing though they might not be able to pinpoint it. I felt it too.

In one of my earlier vocation as a pastoral worker, I had to deal often with crisis. I have dealt with multiple suicides. I have gone to the mortuary many times to identify and collect dead bodies. I have conducted many funerals. I have many conversations with people who have experienced abuse. I have been inside rooms where individuals are wailing in sorrow. Yet, I have the ability to appear unflinched. This Wall doesn’t look like avoidance. It can look like strength, competence, even leadership. Often in crisis, I am calm and collected. 

I have led many teams with this wall. I can give advice while staying emotionally unreachable. This wall has kept me safe and has helped me perform my duties well (or at least in my own assessment).

Back to the feedback: 
I was taken aback but not shocked.
I wasn’t offended.
I saw certain truth in the comment.

I had some consistent feedback over the years - I often appeared intimidating. Sometimes I come across as cold and emotionless. There seems to be a need to look strong and put together. 

The Wall was my coping mechanism. 

I became curious. I explored what the wall is about. I looked at how the wall has served me and how it has limited me. I realized what has served me over the years is no longer serving me.

I also realized that my CliftonStrengths themes canbe just as powerful without this wall. I do not have to be limited by assessments that others have made. An Activator loves being fast and I can also choose patience. Self-Assurance shows up as confident and I can choose vulnerability. Command can be courageous and I can choose tenderness. Strategic can be efficient and I can choose patience. It’s about what I choose and how I expand.

Fast forward to today, the brick wall has become more like a partition. Breaking down my wall has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have suffered a lot of discomfort and have reaped a lot of rewards. I have moved from being stoic to become more empathetic. I can now confidently say I am more able to be able to sit in the discomfort of my emotions.

The invitation here isn’t to become emotional in a dramatic or performative way. 

It’s to feel—really feel—what’s under the surface, and allow others to witness it. Not conceptually but in practice. It might be awkward, raw, unfamiliar. But this is how the Wall begins to crack, to un-thaw, to dissolve. Not all at once—but slowly and courageously. 

Emotionally honest presence is not weakness. It is perhaps the rarest and most powerful kind of strength.

Have you wondered “what might be possible if you start to take down the wall?”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What’s Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

This quote by author Charles Feltman resonates very deeply with me. Often when I read this statement, I feel that it’s asking me to pause and look beneath the surface. It sets me thinking - What do I risk when I trust another?

I have experienced betrayal by friends. I have been cheated of my money. There are certain deep emotional hurts or baggages we carry after experiencing broken trust.

Each of us have our stories.

Increasingly, I am discovering that trust isn’t about giving someone else my wallet, house keys, the password to my mobile or my secrets. It’s about what I am putting on the line. What I am willing to face—if things go sideways (again). What are the baggages and deep hurts that will resurface once again?

So, what do we risk when we trust?

The purpose of this article is to explore this question. What are these real, visceral, human aspects or sacred spaces that we expose every time we let someone in? 

In my exploration, I found eight different areas of loss when trust is broken. I termed these losses as “senses”. Each of these has a short story to illustrate the distinctions.

1. Sense of Worth – “Am I enough?”

When we trust someone with our truth, our needs, or even just our bad jokes—we’re quietly asking, “Will you see me as worthy?”
When this sense is affected through broken trust, it doesn’t just sting. It cuts really deep. It can whisper lies like “maybe I don’t matter after all.”

The loss often associated with this sense of worth is our Voice. Have you met people who seemingly don’t have a voice or feel that what they expressed just doesn’t matter? Often, these people might not even speak up when they are asked, choosing to forgo that opportunity to speak their thoughts, ideas and opinions. They preferred to stay in the background and chose to be invisible. 

Amara sat quietly in the team meeting. She has always been a hardworking individual and has been in the company for over 15 years. But few know what is on her mind. She just doesn’t speak up. When she does, it’s mostly along the lines of “I’m fine with this; I’ve no issues”. 

Unknown to her colleagues, many years ago, Amara finally opened up to her manager about feeling overlooked for months. She spoke vulnerably, carefully. Her manager smiled and nodded. Subsequently he made a joke about her being “too sensitive” during the next team meeting. She felt so diminished that she vowed within her that she would not share her inner thoughts again at work. It was too painful to relive that memory. 

2. Sense of Safety – “Can I breathe around you?”

This isn’t just about physical security. It’s the psychological safety to say the hard things, show the messy bits, and not flinch in fear. When this safety is compromised? Anxiety walks in and builds a fort. 

When we lose our sense of safety after trust is broken in a particular relationship, life feels like stepping on eggshells when we interact with this person. 

Vinny confided in his colleague about something that happened to him in childhood. A few weeks later, during an argument, she threw it back at him. Vinny didn’t just feel betrayed—he felt emotionally unsafe. Walls went up. The space where he once felt he could breathe? Gone. The safety has been violated. 

3. Sense of Self – “Do I still recognize me?”

We trust others not just with our presence, but with our essence—the convictions, values, and beliefs we hold close to our heart.

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt—it can shake our inner compass, leaving us asking, “Was I wrong to believe in this….or them?”

When we feel betrayed by people we deeply trust, by those who encapsulate our beliefs and values, our sense of self is destablised. The loss of trust creates recurring self-doubt and often leave us on a downward spiral. The loss often accompanied with this sense of self is our confidence.

Ella has always believed honesty was her compass. So when she blew the whistle on some unethical practices at work, she thought she was doing the right thing. She believed her manager was trustworthy and had strong ethics. Instead, she was quietly sidelined in projects and meetings. Ella began to question the values that anchored her. “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet…” she thought. 

She didn’t just lose trust in others. She started having self-doubt. She battled the price paid from living her values. She started to wonder about the cost of living her values. Her confidence dips. Her sense of personal agency drops. 

4. Sense of Hope – “Is it still worth believing?”

Hope is the quiet music playing in the background when we take risks. Hope creates this silent expectation that maybe, just maybe, this might eventually work out.

But when trust crumbles? That music cuts. And silence rushes in.

Chris believed in the vision of the company. He believed he was contributing to meaningful work. He was a very committed worker. But he could not forsee what was coming.

He ended up so hurt by the system that he gave more than 15 years of his life to. He was asked to go. No reasons were given. Just a cold email sent to him. Since then, he lost trust in all kinds of community that represented an institution. He became extremely cynical. His sense of hope had diminished in proportion to the huge loss he has experienced. He could not hold down any job. Wherever he went, he would quickly disengage and distance himself from others. He stopped believing that positive change can take place in any system that is represented by an institution.

5. Sense of Belonging – “Am I still part of something?”

We all want to feel like we fit. Like we have a seat at the table. Trust opens the door to community, intimacy, and shared humanity.

When this trust is violated, the room can suddenly feel cold and we no longer enjoy sitting in the chair that we once enjoyed sitting in. 

Kenny finally came out to his closest friends. He believed they were supportive until he overheard one of them mocking him at a party.

In that moment, Kenny didn’t just feel hurt. He felt alone. The group where he thought he belonged had quietly closed its door behind him. The loss so damaged him that he will end up sabotaging himself (unconsciously) whenever he got close to another community. He will end up leaving any group that he felt close to. He just could not bear to relive the pain. Superficial friendship became the norm.

6. Sense of Integrity – “Did I betray myself?”

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t that someone let you down… it’s that you ignored your gut.

Trusting someone when something inside you said “wait” can leave you wrestling not just with disappointment—but with yourself.

Shane could not forgive himself after falling prey to a scam. There was an instinct that something felt off. But the investment was paying off very well and this group of people felt trustworthy. He chose to rationalise and believe the discomfort he experienced was a result of overthinking. His financial loss impacted his own sense of integrity. He always believed that he was grounded in his own values. How could he be blinded by the lure of quick success? 

7. Sense of Wholeness – “Can I be all of me here?”

This particular one feels tender. Trust allows us to show up fully—unfiltered, unarmored, unapologetically us. Many want to live out the best version of themselves - the FULL version.

When trust is lost after we are met with ridicule or are rejected, we start armoring. We start compartmentalising. We go from whole… to parts.

“Leave your emotions at the door!” Jessy felt she was picked on. She felt shame. She felt all the eyes were on her during that moment. It was then she decided that to survive at work is to compartmentalise. She will show up with the parts that her boss and colleagues want to see and that would be enough. She no longer feels safe to engage with her whole self at work.

8. Sense of Contribution – “Does what I give matter?”

We often want to feel like what we do matters. It can be an act of care. It can be our effort to maintain peace within the team. It can be the work behind the scenes or at the front of the room. When we offer ourselves, we are saying, “This is how I hope to make a difference in this world.”

If that contribution is dismissed, ignored, or used? It’s more than disappointing—it can gut our belief that what we do matter in this world.

Tariq worked tirelessly and poured months into a community project. Late nights, free hours, full heart. While he was not looking for rewards, he felt small and invisible when someone else got the credit for many parts of his work. His name was never mentioned. The energy, once fueled by purpose, drained out. “Why bother?” he thought. “Does what I give even matter?”

So why risk? Why trust? Why choose vulnerability?

In my opinion, the alternatives are worse. 
Loneliness. Isolation. Numbness.
The experience of distrust is actually a common human experience. At least, that is what I have been seeing as a professional coach.

Trust takes courage.
It’s the daily decision to say, “Even though I know this could hurt, I choose to be open.”
Maybe trusting “again” is the most human thing to do.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

Debunking Trust Myths

“Trust Me, You’re Wrong”

Debunking 8 Common Myths That Hold Us Back”

As a coach, I remembered a period that I focused so much on growing my listening skills and ability to ask great questions that I did not realised trust was working invisibly in the background. Often, trust is only evident to us when it’s missing.

Trust is the heartbeat of every meaningful relationship — whether it’s in families, friendships, teams, or leadership. And yet, for something so essential, trust is often misunderstood or oversimplified.

Trust is like a living ecosystem — it grows, gets damaged, regenerates, and sometimes evolves into something altogether new. Working with trust often requires us to examine our beliefs and have clarity of the ones that might confuse us and hold us back. Here are some of the most common myths to explore. 

Myth 1: “Trust, once broken, can never be fully restored.”

While it’s true that a breach of trust leaves a mark, trust can also be restored — not overnight, not with a magic wand, but with consistency and committed action over time. Holding this belief often keeps people stuck in blame, pain, or distance.  

Rebuilding trust is hard, yes. But with genuine repair work, trust can be reshaped. It may come back looking different (maybe wiser, maybe warier), but it can be whole again.

Myth 2: “Trust is all or nothing. You either trust a person or you don’t.”

We trust people in layers. You might trust someone with sensitive feedback, but not with your finances. Or trust a colleague with a task, but not with your emotions. This black-and-white thinking doesn’t match how trust actually works. Humans are complex, and so is trust. It grows, recedes, evolves. 

All or nothing? Binary thinking is for robots, not relationships. 

Myth 3: “Trust will automatically repair itself over time.”

Time alone doesn’t heal trust. What heals trust is what we do with that time. 

Healing trust takes intentional action — clear communication, changed behavior, and a willingness to revisit uncomfortable conversations. Without those, what time really does is harden resentment into concrete.

Myth 4: “Trust can be repaired as long as I sincerely apologise.”

A sincere apology is important. But trust isn’t restored by saying sorry — it’s restored by living sorry. People need to see change, not just hear regret.

I used to unconsciously believe that acknowledgment and a good chunk of humility pie will suffice. I learnt the hard way that it’s the little actions of change that is sustained with consistency that  truly repairs trust.

Myth 5: “I can now trust someone because I have forgiven this person.”

Forgiveness and trust are related, but they’re distinct. Forgiveness is about you. It’s abut release — letting go of resentment or bitterness for your own healing. Trust works in a way that feels like it is more about others - showing you through consistent actions that they are trustworthy again. 

You can forgive someone and still choose not to re-enter the same level of trust. That doesn’t make you bitter nor petty. That’s creating healthy boundaries and becoming discerning.

Myth 6: “Trust can only be restored if both parties are willing.”

Mutual willingness makes the trust-building process smoother. But waiting for “both parties to be ready” can feel like a stalemate. In reality, trust begins to shift when one person leads the change. A consistent, trustworthy presence can create an environment where the other party feels safe enough to re-engage.

Myth 7: “Trust is to be earned” or “Trust is to be given.”

This one creates a false choice. Trust isn’t either/or — it’s both/and. 

Rigidly insisting someone “earn it first” before offering any trust can block connection. Blindly giving trust without boundaries can lead to harm. Healthy trust-building is a dance of giving and earning — one where you extend trust in doses, and earn it back through consistent behavior. 

Having said the above, there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. Trust works in context of the relationship.

Myth 8: “The more we trust each other, the more harmonious, more peace there will be.”

It’s easy to assume that trust equals harmony, but that’s not always true. 

High-trust environments often invite more honesty. In high-trust teams, people challenge ideas, not hide behind politeness.  That means more disagreement, challenge, and truth-telling.

It’s not a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign of maturity. Trust isn’t about avoiding conflict — it’s about being able to have conflict safely and respectfully.

Final Thoughts:

Trust is messy. It’s nuanced. It doesn’t live in fairy tales — it lives in Tuesday morning meetings, late-night apologies, and daily choices to show up with integrity. Trust isn’t a fixed state or a simple formula. It’s an ongoing conversation.

It’s not about avoiding the cracks. It’s about becoming people who learn how to make good. We can all make room for becoming more human and hopeful. We can all learn to hold trust with care, and to grow it with courage.

So the next time someone drops one of these 8 myths like it’s gospel, raise an eyebrow, take a sip of your coffee, and say confidently:

“Trust me, it’s more complicated than that.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

How You Handle Your Weaknesses Shapes Your Workplace Impact

Imagine an F1 driver refusing to adjust his technique despite constant crashes in the last few races. Or a pit crew member who acknowledges his tardiness in changing the tires ibut never seem to improve on his performance. In the high-speed world of racing—and in the workplace—performance isn’t just about talent; it’s about our attitude to adapt, refine, and overcome our weaknesses.

Just like in F1, talented professionals handle their limitations and personal flaws in different ways. Some fine-tune their approaches with humility and grace while others modify their behaviours begrudgingly. Some accept their flaws but couldn’t care more to improve, and others deny their weaknesses entirely.

With the growing popularity of the use of CliftonStrengths assessment in the workplace, more are seeing the impact of overused strengths.

After attending a course on personal mastery, it dawn on me that some work on their perceived weaknesses in lightness while others manage their weaknesses begrudgingly.

Out of the reflection, I wrote this article to explore four types of archetypes. It is an attempt to showi how each archetype views personal flaws, deals with weaknesses and the impact on others.

1. The Enlightened: Accepts personal flaws and intentional to manage weaknesses

These individuals recognize that their strengths can become liabilities when overused. They accept their personal flaws and insecurities as part of being human. Rather than making excuses for their mistakes, they consistently seek to refine and grow. They understand deeply that strengths produce results only in the right context. When strengths are used without consideration of the environment and timing, they easily become weaknesses. Therefore these individuals worked hard to grow their self-awareness and adapt to the dynamic environment. 

The Enlightened sees mistakes as learnings and stepping stones to success. There is a lightness when they share about their mistakes and what they have learned.

Example: Meet Arjun, a project leader in a fintech company. His CliftonStrengths Command talent theme makes him a decisive leader especially in high-pressure situations. He doesn’t shy away from challenges and he shines in crisis. He also knows that his Command theme gives him a certain presence, which can often be perceived as intimidating. When feedback revealed that his directness intimidated colleagues, he didn’t just brush it off. He sought coaching, learned how to balance assertiveness with gentleness and care, and became a leader his team trusted rather than feared.

Impact: The Enlightened creates a culture of growth. Their willingness to receive feedback, inspires others to self-reflect and improve. When leaders are in this category, their teams are engaged, motivated, and feel safe.

2. The Insecure: Resists personal flaws but will seek to improve weaknesses

These individuals struggle with admitting their weaknesses—it often feels like a blow to their ego. They do however make effort to change and improve their behaviours but often stops short to do the deeper work.

These individuals might be unaware in how their resistance shows up to others because of their efforts and sincerity to improve on their weaknesses. There is an unconscious belief that when one’s insecurities are surfaced, one will experience some form of shame. The resistance shows up when one’s insecurities are triggered. The instinct is to hide these insecurities.

For many of these individuals, the characteristics are often similar - responsible, hardworking, caring and they might even go the extra mile. However, away from the visible eyes, the behaviours and the pursuit of results are fueled by the need to hide one’s deep insecurities. Resentment, envy and self-doubt are common companions.

Example: Jia Wei, a senior analyst in a Real Estate company, thrives on her Analytical and Maximizer talents. She dissects data with precision but tends to dismiss others’ ideas too quickly because she feels the ideas are lacking in substance. When colleagues pointed out this specific behaviour, her reaction and body language showed her resistance to feedback. She brushes the feedback aside by rationalizing that she is a person with high standards.

After repeated friction with her team, she tries to improve on her communication but becomes increasingly resentful with those who are resisting her. Unknown to her, her resentment spills out in other areas of interactions.

Impact: The Insecure are often strong contributors at work. They pride themselves in delivering results and have strong ego. What frustrates others are often the lack of awareness in interpersonal dynamics. Their insecurities spilled out in team interactions and contribute to the lack of safety in the team.

3. The Deadweight: Accepts personal flaws but ignores weaknesses

These individuals are aware of their weaknesses but make no real effort to change. They accept their flaws as part of who they are and expect others to work around them. They like others to see their strengths and expect others to ignore their weaknesses. Team members are often frustrated because of the additional work to cover for these people’s inadequacies.

Example: Daniel, a senior consultant in a consulting firm, has Ideation and Strategic as his top talents. He’s brilliant at brainstorming new strategies but terrible at execution. He openly admits, “I’m just not a details person,” and continues to miss deadlines. His team constantly has to scramble to cover for his weaknesses. The lack of effort to improve increases frustration and resentment within the team.

Impact: The Deadweight are often guilty of dragging teams down. While their self-awareness is a small step forward, their lack of action forces others to compensate for their shortcomings. Over time, this erodes team trust and lowers productivity.

4. The Blinded: Resists personal flaws and ignores weaknesses

These individuals neither acknowledge nor address their weaknesses. They power through work without self-reflection, often creating frustration and chaos around them. They do not realize strengths are based on context and use their strengths with no consideration to situations.

They blame external factors when environments limit their results and hardly stop to examine themselves. 

Example: Kevin, a regional sales director in the banking sector, has Competition and Achiever as his dominant talent themes. He only focuses on profits and dismisses feedback about his aggressive approach. “Sales is about winning,” he says, ignoring how his cutthroat tactics are driving his team away. His department has the highest turnover rate, yet he remains oblivious, blaming others for being “too weak.”

Impact: The Blinded creates toxic work environments. Their blindness to their flaws leads to very disengaged teams, high turnover, and long-term damage to company culture. The worst part? They often don’t realize the destruction they’ve caused until it’s too late.

Which Archetype might fit you most closely?

Summary: Each person brings strengths as well as weaknesses to any team. At the end of the day, the way we handle our weaknesses impact the people around us. My hope is that this article can be a resource to prompt further reflection.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What Makes DIfficult Conversations DIfficult?

Imagine sitting at the dinner table, chopsticks in hand, about to tell your parents you’re quitting your very stable job to become a church worker. Or perhaps you need to tell your boss, who has invested so much into you and practically raised you in the company—that you’re resigning to pursue a better opportunity.

Each of these moments carries a familiar tension. The heart beats faster. The stomach tightens. The mind is racing with a thousand “what ifs”.. The mix of anxiety, hesitation, and imagined catastrophe, is exactly what many may experience before a difficult conversation. 

But why? What makes some conversations feel effortless while others feel like crossing a minefield blindfolded? What makes certain feedback sessions or performance conversations feel dreadful?

It comes down to FEAR.

Not the kind of fear that makes us run from tigers, but the kind that whispers “What if?” and creates deep anxiety within us. Beneath the surface, our minds anticipate danger, threats to our relationships, our self-image, or our sense of security. These fears whisper, “Tread carefully,” and before we know it, the conversation has become a daunting, treacherous terrain.

The topic of difficult conversations is a common one. No one enjoys the experience of going into an important conversation feeling like they are walking on a tightrope.

So what makes difficult conversation difficult?

Here are nine commonly hidden fears that make certain conversations feel like an emotional battlefield.

1. Fear of Conflict

Imagine a traditional Chinese family where the eldest son wants to marry someone his parents disapprove of. When he finally gathers the courage to bring it up, his father’s face darkens. His mother lets out a long sigh. “If you do this, you are breaking our family’s heart.”

For many, the idea of confrontation, especially with elders, authority figures, or people we deeply respect, feels unbearable. There’s a deeply ingrained belief in maintaining harmony, even if it means suppressing personal truth. We fear that speaking up will lead to anger, disapproval, or worse, being cast out emotionally. This is one of the most common fears that creates the perception that a certain conversation is going to be extremely difficult.


2. Fear of Emotional Outbursts

Eva, a young mother of two young kids, finally decides to tell her own mother she needs space from the family’s constant expectations. But as soon as she starts, her mother’s eyes well up. “After all I’ve sacrificed for you, is this how you repay me?”

In Singapore and Asian families in general, certain emotions, especially guilt, disappointment, and sorrow, carry weight. Many of us have seen firsthand how one conversation can turn into tears, shouting, or a long, painful silence. We fear that going into such conversations will create an emotional mess we won’t know how to clean up. It is a picture of a wildly shaken coke bottle being opened - the pressure bursting forth.

This fear is especially real for leaders who face the task of informing subordinates “You have been let go.”


3. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

A husband sits in silence at the dinner table, his heart pounding as his wife sits opposite him enjoying her dinner. All he feels is guilt. He knew he has crossed a line. The weight of that mistake hangs heavy between them, even though she doesn’t know it. He wants to confess, but he hesitates. What if they don’t recover from this setback? What if this single moment, which he deeply regrets, becomes the wedge that drives them apart?

In many Asian cultures, marriage is often seen as a lifelong commitment, where duty and harmony take precedence. The idea of “rocking the boat” with an admission of guilt feels almost reckless. He fears that if he confesses, his wife will be devastated, their bond irreparably damaged, or worse—she will leave him.

So, he convinces himself that keeping quiet is the kinder option. “Why hurt her over something that will never happen again?” he rationalizes. Yet, deep down, he knows that every time she smiles at him with trust in her eyes, he will feel the weight of his unspoken truth.

This particular fear highlights the paradox of difficult conversations: the very thing we fear might break the relationship may actually be the only thing that can heal it. But fear—of pain, of fallout, of losing what we cherish—keeps us silent.

4. Fear of Being Misunderstood

Ling, a project manager sits in a meeting, her hands clasped tightly under the table. Across from her is Peter, a senior colleague. The air between them is thick with unspoken tension. Ling had sent an email to their director highlighting delays in their project. She hadn’t intended to single anyone out. She simply wanted to give an honest update. But Peter, who was responsible for a key part of the project, took it personally. He had since grown distant, his once-friendly interactions replaced by curt replies and a noticeable coldness.

She wants to clear the air, knowing the team works best when there’s trust and open communication. The fear of being misunderstood stops her. 

Communication is tricky. We fear that, no matter how carefully we choose our words, they will be misinterpreted. Our intention won’t be seen, only the impact would be felt. This fear keeps us silent, convinced that speaking up will only make things worse.

A big challenge in difficult conversations isn’t just finding the right words. It’s overcoming the fear that our words will be misinterpreted. 

5. Fear of Losing Respect (and Reputation)

Tom, a senior leader in an MNC, knew that the mistake he made had an impact on this team. He felt a need to apologize to his team, but he hesitates. He has spent years building his reputation as a strong, caring and competent leader. The fear of losing respect was one that occupied his mind the most. 

In hierarchical societies, admitting to a mistake can feel dangerous, especially among men. Research done on marriage relationships showed that generally men need to feel respected while women generally want to feel that they are cared for. For many men, the fear of losing face (面子) and losing respect stops many conversations before they even begin.

For many leaders, these conversations feel like playing a game of Jenga. One wrong move, and the whole tower might come tumbling down. Owning up to a mistake is often a difficult conversation for many male leaders because of the fear that it will lead to a huge loss of respect. For many, this loss of respect reflects a huge loss in the sense of identity. 

6. Fear of Uncertainty

Elsa, a regional sales director, sits at her desk, scrolling through the sales numbers. Sales are down and she knows that there needs to be a conversation with her boss. The uncertainty of the conversation was overwhelming. For her, uncertainty isn’t just about the unknown outcome of the conversation. It’s about losing control over the narrative. She’s spent years proving herself in a male-dominated industry, carefully crafting a reputation as competent and strategic. What if the conversation doesn’t go well, what will that mean for how she’s perceived?

The real fear is stepping into a situation where she can’t control how she’s seen or how the discussion unfolds. The need for control makes the uncertainty of the conversation feels unbearable.

Should she wait? Maybe the numbers will improve. Maybe the boss will bring up the problem first. Maybe she can delay this just a little longer.

Deep down, she knows that the longer she avoids the conversation of the sales performance, the more control she actually loses.

Like stepping into a dark room, we hesitate because we don’t know what’s waiting for us on the other side. Sometimes, the fear of “what might happen” feels scarier than the conversation itself.


7. Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

A young entrepreneur dreads telling his family that his startup has failed and he had lost a huge sum of money. He had spent a long time convincing his family back then that starting the business will be the best choice for him. He knows his parents will be disappointed. But what he was really afraid of was confronting his own feelings of failure.

Difficult conversations often shine a spotlight on the things we don’t want to face about ourselves. Whether it’s admitting failure, acknowledging a past mistake, or confronting an uncomfortable truth, sometimes the hardest part of a conversation isn’t the other person’s reaction. It’s dealing with our own shame or self-judgment.

Often, difficult conversations have a sneaky way of turning the mirror back on us. We may start off focused on a particular topic or person, but suddenly, we’re confronted with our own blind spots, biases, or mistakes. This fear keeps many of us from engaging in such conversations. Deep down, we’re not just afraid of what they’ll say; we’re afraid of what we’ll see.


8. Fear of Disappointing Someone

Darius has decided to reject a scholarship offer. Instead, he chose to stay in Singapore to pursue a startup with his friends. It’s a risky move, but it excites him in a way that the academic path never did. He sits in his room, wondering how to break the news to his parents.

He can already picture the look on his mother’s face - the quiet sigh, the subtle drop in her shoulders. She won’t yell or argue, but her silence will say everything. “After everything we’ve done for you, this is what you choose?”

Darius fears the weight of that unspoken disappointment, the feeling of letting down the people who have sacrificed so much for him. In many Asian families, where expectations for success and stability are deeply ingrained, the fear of disappointing parents, mentors, or elders can be more paralyzing than outright conflict.

This particular fear stems from a deep desire to meet expectations, maintain approval, or avoid feelings of guilt or inadequacy. When we anticipate that our words or decisions might let someone down, we may hesitate to engage in the conversation altogether, fearing a loss of trust, respect, or emotional connection.

9. Fear of Being Disappointed

Ellie takes a deep breath before knocking on her director’s office door. She has spent weeks preparing for this conversation—gathering data, structuring her arguments, rehearsing every possible response. She has decided that she is finally going to address the toxic work culture in their department.

She knows that if things don’t change, more people will leave. But as she steps inside, the fear of being disappointed creeps into her head.

The fear isn’t just about having the conversation—it’s about investing emotional energy into something that may not lead to real change. 

What if this conversation changes nothing?
What if he nods, listens, but ultimately dismisses her concerns?
What if, despite all her efforts, the long hours, the unspoken expectations, and the toxic culture continue—just as they always have?

In many workplaces, employees hesitate to speak up because they worry their voices won’t matter. It’s not just the fear of rejection—it’s the fear of hoping for something better, only to be let down.

Ellie knows that if she walks out of that office with nothing but empty assurances, she will have to decide: does she keep fighting, or does she accept that this is just the way things are?

And that’s the deeper fear—the fear that we may have to accept what we cannot change.

Summary: Many of the fears listed above are intertwined. It’s often a combination of fear that one struggles with. The aim of this post is to create greater awareness of what we struggle with.

The fears don’t have to stop us. Every human being struggles with fear. Wrestling with fear is what makes us human. The desire for this post is for us to notice the voices of fear in our heads that make conversations difficult.

“We can only intervene effectively when we can see clearly.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

EXPLORING IDENTITY - Five Ways to Uncover Your True Self

“Be Your True Self”

Have you ever wondered what these four words mean? I have. And these are my thoughts.

“Being my true self” means consciously choosing rather than conforming to the cultural norms in the face of challenges. It is often easier said than done. The struggle with making choices that represent who we are and what we truly want usually becomes apparent when we are at the crossroads. At the crossroads, the moods and emotions we find ourselves in are usually associated with frustration, anxiety, fear, or resentment. In these moods and emotions, our choices might not necessarily reflect what we truly want.

There is also the struggle with dilemmas when we explore this idea of Self. Let me explain.

It can be a struggle to find coherence. When I look deep within, I often see a deceitful heart. I have multiple desires—tight-knit family, healthy life, spiritual depth, well-paying job, career fulfilment, vocational expertise, financial freedom, close community of friends - and some deep desires, as many of you might imagine, are inherently incompatible.

I often experience tension when a particular situation requires me to choose one desire to the exclusion of another. I have realized that going down this path of looking within makes me experience more burden than freedom.

It is a constant struggle to stay grounded.

I’m now in my mid-forties; I recall looking back at my thirty-year-old self, It felt like my life then was filled with dark moments. I was more reactive. I was more insecure. I recalled thinking what an idiot I was and how I needed to mature emotionally. Funnily, I remembered looking back at my twenty-year-old self when I was in my thirties, convinced I needed to be more mature in my life choices. If I looked even further back—myself at twenty, examining my teenage life—the desire for maturity already existed. Despite learning intentionally from my life experiences and striving to “be my true self,” the results were painfully consistent.

Perhaps history has proven that looking inwardly, and listening to my heart, might not necessarily be the wisest or most robust way to mature into being.

And so here lie the big questions:

Who am I? What is my identity? What is my true self? How does one explore this idea of “being one’s true self”?

As a pilgrim, unsure of what the pilgrimage holds for me, I would like to share five ideas I’ve integrated from authors and coaches I have interacted with. I credit Brene Brown, Tim Keller, Peter Block, James Clear, and Marcus Marsden for the insights they bring through their books and podcasts. The five areas are interconnected but presented distinctly. I hope these five ideas might meet those on a similar journey, and invite refreshed perspectives and new considerations.

(1) Label

Identity is a label that gives us a way to think, feel, and behave in a particular context. I can be a father, a son, a worker, a leader, a Singaporean, etc, and these roles can exist simultaneously.

Have you noticed how you usually introduce yourself to others?
What Is the default way you introduce yourself?
Have you noticed that your self-introduction is the "label" you have put on yourself?

You might find this a familiar process - multiple attempts of rehashing your self-introduction, verbally or in written form. This process makes us wonder - “How do I want to be known?”

An identity crisis can happen when we discover that the predominant label we give to ourselves is no longer relevant. For example, if I brand myself as a Marketing Director in both work and social settings, losing that job might create a sudden dissonance. The way I introduce myself to others now needs to be different. That can be disorienting.

Sometimes, not knowing how to engage an audience from an identity standpoint can lead to awkwardness. Awkwardness is the emotion made apparent when one does not know the identity to engage appropriately in a given context. The context could be a first date. It could be interacting with someone from a very different social status. Knowing our true self requires the skill of discernment - understanding (the hat to wear, the role to play) to engage effectively and authentically in a given context.

A suggestion is to practice introducing yourself in new ways. Notice your ability to describe yourself authentically and comfortably.

(2) Belonging

Our identity is often rooted in our sense of belonging. It is naming a community we belong to. I am a Singaporean. I am a student of XYZ school. I am an employee of company ABC. I am a member of a particular religious organization. I am a supporter of BCM football club. Wherever I go, I carry these associations—these identities—within me. We connect ourselves to people in these communities of belonging. Some called these communities their “tribes”. This identity helps me to understand with whom I can have solidarity, and with whom I might have conflict. The stronger the sense of belonging, the stronger I feel about my identity.

The key questions to answer:
- What are the communities I will identify myself with? What tribe do I belong to?
- What are the values I embody by being part of these communities?

Knowing our true self means naming the communities to which we belong. When we do so, we shape our values and boundaries in alignment with these communities.

(3) Human Operating System

Our identity is grounded when we have clarity of our human operating system. Essentially, the human operating system is a recurring set of thinking, emotional, behavioral, and conversational habits shaped by and exercised in our aggregated life experiences. We derive our strengths, motivations, fears, and emotional triggers from these habits.

Profiling tools are popular for this reason—they help to give people a sense of themselves through the data received. Across the world, coaches use profiling tools to help people derive the language to describe the human operating system. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths profiling tool.

Knowing our true self means understanding our human operating system.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
- What motivates and drives me even when no one is looking?
- What are my deep fears and insecurities that I have to overcome regularly?
- What are my boundaries? What kind of behavior by others will trigger me to react?

Answering these questions helps us to be more grounded.

A side note: we often get into situations where we are required to think, feel and behave unnaturally, as part of the adaptive process. This is usually evident when we pursue growth and expansion of Self.
For example - a more introverted person is required to be more assertive in a particular work context. Those with a fixed mindset might have internal thoughts that shout out “This is not me”. Those with a growth mindset embrace the discomfort as part of their growth.

(4) Core Sense of Self - Values

Our identity is grounded when we understand the Core Sense of Self. The core is the unchanging self across multiple contexts. This core is a set of values and beliefs that remain constant and true of us in every setting. Some might describe them as convictions. I found this model by Marcus Marsden helpful in deepening my understanding.

The outermost layer constitutes my preferences. These include my desire to visit Japan for a holiday or have chicken rice weekly for lunch.

The next layer contains my duties and best practices. These include my duties as a citizen of Singapore, my daily routines and practices such as swimming three times a week and going for a walk after dinner.

The third layer houses my principles - doing what I have promised others, being humble and courageous to admit my mistakes, giving my best effort even when no one sees what I do and actively forgiving those who have hurt me.

The innermost layer is where my core convictions reside - loving God wholeheartedly and joyfully as a Christian, loving and serving my wife and children sacrificially.

Knowing our true self means naming and knowing what we might put into each of these circles, especially the third and innermost layers. The Core Sense of Self is derived from understanding what we consciously hold as our principles (third layer) and our convictions (the innermost layer).

(5) Sense of Worth

Finally, our identity is grounded when we know our Sense of Worth. This sense of worth imbues us with significance and creates our value in society. It is an assessment we hold, one that we build from a young age. The sense of worth comes from having a deep sense of being loved and accepted. Love and acceptance from our family and community play a strong part in cultivating a sense of worth. The stronger our sense of worth, the more confident and grounded we become.

As a coach, I observe that this is an area of struggle for many. Growing up, we often suffer trauma that diminishes our sense of worth. For some, the trauma comes from experiencing family brokenness. For some, the trauma comes from labels - stupid, slow, fat, or ugly, just to name a few. For some, the trauma comes from abuse.

The sense of worth can be severely impacted because of the shame we experienced in our childhood. We struggle to accept ourselves. We act out of our insecurities. We retaliate. We bully. We blame. We manipulate. Deep down, we feel fragile. We struggle with self-acceptance. We choose to self-protect to avoid getting hurt.

Author Brene Brown calls the act of self-protection “armouring”. When we start to practice armouring, our identity becomes a blur and we struggle to get a good grasp of our self-worth.

Knowing our true self is an intentional process of deepening our sense of worth. For many, this process becomes a spiritual journey. Some seek to follow a Higher Being. Some seek spiritual practices. I started seeking spiritual growth when I was around 17 years old. In my brokenness, I saw a void that needed to be filled. I eventually decided to follow Christ after being touched and convinced by His love and His ways. 

Seeking a sense of worth is not the same journey for everyone. For me, the result of following Christ helps me experience the sense of being loved and accepted. The ongoing learning process includes (but is not limited to) opening up my heart to love and receive love despite the risk of getting hurt. Instead of practicing armouring, I choose to practice vulnerability (with wisdom). I learn to exercise self-compassion and seek forgiveness when I make mistakes. I learn to practice accountability in how I live my life. I learn to exercise humility (not overplaying or downplaying our significance). As I grow and make progress, I learn to practice empathy and compassion towards others. So being my true self means to imitate the life of Christ and to live out the identity bestowed.

Back to the question: Who am I? What is my true self?

Rather than just a vague act of looking within, I hope these five alternative ideas provide a deeper framework to explore this philosophical question. Let me know if you’ve practiced or come across other ideas too—I will be glad to learn.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

The Impact of Self-Awareness (Uncovering Blindspots)

Have you been in conversations criticizing leaders and team members who seemed to have low self awareness? Have you wondered if you could be a conversation topic among your colleagues?

What is the impact if you are a poor observer of yourself?

Consider some of these possibilities when you are a poor observer of self:

▶ You project your anger / insecurities on others 

▶ You believe that people must be able to see your point of view and you name it as common sense

▶ You believe you show up with the same level of performance daily and ignore the impact of your moods and emotions

▶ You expect people to live out standards that you can’t

▶ You say “Yes” to one thing without knowing that decision means saying many “No” to other things and vice versa

▶ You have a strong opinion that you put forth as a truth, not knowing that your opinion says more about who you are than the matter itself

The above 6 statements are part of a coaching resource on uncovering blindspots. These are common observations based on more than a thousand hours of coaching practice as an ontological coach.

So why is Self-Awareness so important?

👉🏻You can’t change what you don’t see👈🏻

▶ One of the most transformational experience is to notice the way you see the world or “taking a look at how you look at things”

We need more love, kindness and compassion in this world.

We need more to have greater self awareness in how they are impacting others at home and at work.

We need more consciousness in our families and workplace.

▶ My hope is this article will create some curiosity for yourself - what might be your blindspots?

We invest in different experiences to enrich our lives including spending on traveling, food, adventures.

▶ Coaching is an experience that can be transformational. It is an investment for yourself and your loved ones. Why not consider investing in your growth?

Consider reaching out and scheduling a coaching conversation with me. You will also receive the full resource with 20 statements that shine a light on various areas of blindspots,

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.

CliftonStrengths: Complementary Partnerships Through Unlikely Pairings - Part 2

This is part 2 of Complimentary partnerships through the unlikely pairs of the CliftonStrengths themes.

The key question asked from the first article was:
“How can people with very different strengths work together?”

I’m attempting to answer the question by examining the polarities that I derive from the unlikely pairs from the list of CliftonStrengths 34 themes. From Gallup’s research data, the unlikely theme pairings which bring insights into polarities are: 


1. Deliberative - Woo;
2. Developer - Command; 
3. Empathy - Self Assurance; 
4. Discipline - Ideation; 
5. Harmony - Strategic; 
6. Maximizer - Restorative; 
7. Positivity - Deliberative. 

READ: Part 1 of Complimentary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairs

In this part 2, I will be touching from the fourth to the last pair. I will share my observations of how each theme within the pair has contrasting thinking, feeling and behavioural patterns. I will attempt to name the polarity so that we get an idea why these pairings can be powerfully complementary. Again, these are my own personal views as a coach based in Singapore.

4. Discipline and Ideation

People with Discipline require their world to be predictable. They set up routines and they need precision. They like things to be in order and planned. The need for structure often means they prefer to work within the box and not be taken by surprises. People with Ideation, on the contrary, enjoy newness and seeing things fresh. They are energized by out-of-the-box ideas. Innovative solutions are new perspectives developed on familiar challenges. They are often easily bored by routines and enjoy going beyond previously set parameters to develop fresh ideas and perspectives.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the need for stability AND change. Often, the routines bring a sense of predictability, which in turn, bring a sense of stability and safety. In a country like Singapore where survival is often a key narrative, stability at work is a need that workers require. On the other hand, what workers need and what businesses want creates the tension. Businesses need constant change and innovation to adapt to the dynamic business landscape. People with Ideation brings innovation and fresh perspectives. Leveraging this polarity helps to create a needed dynamic critical to building high performance teams.

5. Harmony and Strategic

People with the Harmony theme look for areas of agreement and consensus. They instinctively listen out for shared points of views. They prefer to help team members find common ground and have a preference for emotional efficiency, even if it means going on a longer route together. The journey towards camaraderie is often more valued than output efficiency. People with Strategic, on the other hand, prefer operational efficiency and having speed. Finding shortcuts is in the DNA. The results are often more valued than the team building process. They seek the path of least resistance and are prepared to rock the boat if they assess that a new path might bring greater results.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the need for emotional efficiency AND the need for output efficiency. To build a sense of togetherness, there is often the need for alignment through some levels of consensus building. Moving too fast without team alignment creates conflicts which in turn creates an emotional state that can be detrimental to team performance. Having the right level of emotional efficiency is helpful.
On the other hand, in the fast moving world of businesses, there is also a need for output efficiency and getting results. Leveraging this partnership allows for constructive exchanges on when it is critical to get buy-in from the team and when it is necessary to act efficiently and with speed to achieve the required outcomes. Leveraging this polarity creates more respect for each other and ultimately creates a stronger bond within the team. .

6. Maximizer and Restorative

People with the Maximizer theme see their world through the lens of excellence and beauty. They dislike mediocrity and being average. To a Maximizer, fixing something that is broken is akin to taking something from below average to average. That process takes a great deal of effort and often does not bring quality results. Maximizer prefers to focus on strengths to enhance quality and create high performance. On the other hand, people with Restorative love to solve problems. They see the world as a broken world and the world can be a better place by solving one problem at a time. Statistically, this pair is also the most unlikely to appear together in an individual’s top 5.

What does this partnership bring out? 

The named polarity here is Exceeding Expectations AND Meeting Expectations. Customers are constantly looking for higher levels of quality in products and services and making comparisons. Customers are also ready to complain if the products and services are not up to the committed standards. Leveraging this polarity allows for the delivery of strong business results.

Another possible polarity is building on strengths AND managing weaknesses. Leaders have often seen how a non-performing member pulls down the overall team performance and morale. Managing the weaknesses of team members is part of a key process to build high performance teams. Yet, self-actualization is a powerful driver. The ability to achieve excellence through focusing on our strengths is greatly desired. This polarity creates a powerful partnership in the people development space.

7. Positivity and Deliberative

People with Positivity are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in any situation. They have the desire to keep environments lighthearted and look to inject vitality and life into areas that feel dead and lifeless. People with Deliberative on the other hand are always on the lookout for danger and what might go wrong. They believe that life is better when expectations are managed well and precautions are well taken. 

What does this partnership bring out? 

The named polarity here is being optimistic AND realistic. Having an optimistic mindset helps us to have lightness in our approach at work. People with Positivity often draws on this lightness to spread the positive energy around. When team members catch on the positive energy, there are more laughter, a greater sense of psychological safety and more effective collaboration. In times of setback, the positive energy empowers the team to be resilient. On the other hand, having the realistic mindset helps the Deliberative to actively anticipate challenges that might derail the team’s efforts. The realistic mindset often carries a sense of burden which in turn, creates a sharp focus on delivering results. Creating back up plans and planning for worst-case scenarios are the norm.

Leveraging this polarity creates the ability to draw on the lightness to create a positive team spirit and the operational prowess of burden to create focus.

In conclusion: the above examples illustrate how many of the CliftonStrengths themes can be powerfully leveraged. The conflicts in perspectives between the different themes are not problems to be solved. They should be seen as perspectives to be leveraged. Leveraging these polarities can help teams and businesses thrive in this VUCA world.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

The Four Archetypes of Learners - Coaching Guide

As a professional coach based in Singapore, I am passionate about helping people gain deeper levels of self awareness. I believe that in doing so, individuals can use the learnings to achieve more effective results in the area of personal growth and development.

This article is on the topic of learning and covers the different archetypes of learners. It is a follow up to the piece I wrote on the 15 beliefs that hinder learning. Both articles are written with the desire to create deeper self awareness.

As you have a read about the four archetypes of learners, my wish is that you can use the information to do a simple profile of yourself. See if you can identify a particular archetype that you might be engaging with consistently.

THE Dabbler

The Dabbler says “I want to pick up this skill as a hobby. It looks fun. The joy of learning is very important to me. I find lots of joy when I started off as a beginner and acquire the basic competency. I feel happy that I can tell myself and others that I now know this skill.”

“I’m not looking to excel. Longer term practice might not be part of the purpose I pick up this skill. I will work hard to acquire the skill to a basic competency level and I’ll be very satisfied. After that, I will move on to the next skill that I find interesting. At work, I am usually seen as a dynamic all-rounder, who has the required competencies of many different inter-connected skills relevant to my job scope and role. I am also known as the one who is constantly picking up new hobbies. I love work environments that are highly dynamic. I love the type of work that provides many opportunities to learn different types of skills.”

The Obsessive

The Obsessive says “I am results oriented and performance oriented. I am the type of person who is determined to reach my goals and my key performance indicators (KPIs). When I learn, it’s tied to my Return On Investment (ROI). The skill I am practicing must make me better and help me achieve my personal and professional goals. At work, I am usually seen as the outstanding performer.”

“Whenever I am not gaining the results from my learning practices, I’ll re-examine the process and find different ways to make it better. I take pride in producing results through my learnings and hard work. My satisfaction comes from the results I receive and not so much the joy of learning. The time to stop is when my goals have changed or I assess that the ROI is not worth the trade-off of my energy, time and resources.”

The Hacker

The Hacker says “I’m interested in finding the fastest way to pick up the new skill. I enjoy the hacking process. Finding shortcuts gives me the thrill and satisfaction. It’s about the speed of learning and knowing I can hack my way through. I’m not concerned if I have missed the foundations required for long term success. I feel happy when I get quick results from my initial investment.”

“Being seen as smart and a fast learner is important to me. I am often seen as the one who can deliver quick results within a short time frame. People see me as a good problem solver in time-sensitive situations because of my ability to hack my way through.“

The Master

The Master says “I’m in for the long haul. I believe in being the Master in a particular field. I understand the process of learning and how my body will take time to learn. I believe that a person needs to be consistent on this path towards being a master and there are no shortcuts to mastery. I will not rush through the learning process. I am determined to persevere through the periods of plateau. The plateau is necessary for my body to learn and adjust.”

“I fully embrace the paradox of being both the expert and a beginner as I pursue mastery. I believe in the Growth Mindset and I work hard to seek continuous improvement. I’ll enrol teachers and mentors into my practice and actively get supervision and feedback. At work, I am often seen as the leading authority in a particular field. I hope to be able to guide others as well in pursuing this pathway of mastery.”

SUMMARY:
Here’s four questions for your reflection and application as you consider these four archetypes of learners.

1. Which of these archetypes do you identify with most often (show up a lot in your life?
   

2. Which area of your life does other archetypes show up?
   

3. What advantages and disadvantages has the dominant archetype brought for you?
   

4. As you learn the distinctions of each archetype, what might be the next steps for you?

**IMPORTANT NOTE: The profiles are not my own and are adapted from the book “Mastery” by George Leonard. I will like to acknowledge his great work that has been extremely useful for my own learning. I have added in my own inputs and assessments as a Professional Coach so that readers can use the archetypes to generate more awareness in the day to day working contexts.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™