“Be Your True Self”
Have you ever wondered what these four words mean? I have. And these are my thoughts.
“Being my true self” means consciously choosing rather than conforming to the cultural norms in the face of challenges. It is often easier said than done. The struggle with making choices that represent who we are and what we truly want usually becomes apparent when we are at the crossroads. At the crossroads, the moods and emotions we find ourselves in are usually associated with frustration, anxiety, fear, or resentment. In these moods and emotions, our choices might not necessarily reflect what we truly want.
There is also the struggle with dilemmas when we explore this idea of Self. Let me explain.
It can be a struggle to find coherence. When I look deep within, I often see a deceitful heart. I have multiple desires—tight-knit family, healthy life, spiritual depth, well-paying job, career fulfilment, vocational expertise, financial freedom, close community of friends - and some deep desires, as many of you might imagine, are inherently incompatible.
I often experience tension when a particular situation requires me to choose one desire to the exclusion of another. I have realized that going down this path of looking within makes me experience more burden than freedom.
It is a constant struggle to stay grounded.
I’m now in my mid-forties; I recall looking back at my thirty-year-old self, It felt like my life then was filled with dark moments. I was more reactive. I was more insecure. I recalled thinking what an idiot I was and how I needed to mature emotionally. Funnily, I remembered looking back at my twenty-year-old self when I was in my thirties, convinced I needed to be more mature in my life choices. If I looked even further back—myself at twenty, examining my teenage life—the desire for maturity already existed. Despite learning intentionally from my life experiences and striving to “be my true self,” the results were painfully consistent.
Perhaps history has proven that looking inwardly, and listening to my heart, might not necessarily be the wisest or most robust way to mature into being.
And so here lie the big questions:
Who am I? What is my identity? What is my true self? How does one explore this idea of “being one’s true self”?
As a pilgrim, unsure of what the pilgrimage holds for me, I would like to share five ideas I’ve integrated from authors and coaches I have interacted with. I credit Brene Brown, Tim Keller, Peter Block, James Clear, and Marcus Marsden for the insights they bring through their books and podcasts. The five areas are interconnected but presented distinctly. I hope these five ideas might meet those on a similar journey, and invite refreshed perspectives and new considerations.
(1) Label
Identity is a label that gives us a way to think, feel, and behave in a particular context. I can be a father, a son, a worker, a leader, a Singaporean, etc, and these roles can exist simultaneously.
Have you noticed how you usually introduce yourself to others?
What Is the default way you introduce yourself?
Have you noticed that your self-introduction is the "label" you have put on yourself?
You might find this a familiar process - multiple attempts of rehashing your self-introduction, verbally or in written form. This process makes us wonder - “How do I want to be known?”
An identity crisis can happen when we discover that the predominant label we give to ourselves is no longer relevant. For example, if I brand myself as a Marketing Director in both work and social settings, losing that job might create a sudden dissonance. The way I introduce myself to others now needs to be different. That can be disorienting.
Sometimes, not knowing how to engage an audience from an identity standpoint can lead to awkwardness. Awkwardness is the emotion made apparent when one does not know the identity to engage appropriately in a given context. The context could be a first date. It could be interacting with someone from a very different social status. Knowing our true self requires the skill of discernment - understanding (the hat to wear, the role to play) to engage effectively and authentically in a given context.
A suggestion is to practice introducing yourself in new ways. Notice your ability to describe yourself authentically and comfortably.
(2) Belonging
Our identity is often rooted in our sense of belonging. It is naming a community we belong to. I am a Singaporean. I am a student of XYZ school. I am an employee of company ABC. I am a member of a particular religious organization. I am a supporter of BCM football club. Wherever I go, I carry these associations—these identities—within me. We connect ourselves to people in these communities of belonging. Some called these communities their “tribes”. This identity helps me to understand with whom I can have solidarity, and with whom I might have conflict. The stronger the sense of belonging, the stronger I feel about my identity.
The key questions to answer:
- What are the communities I will identify myself with? What tribe do I belong to?
- What are the values I embody by being part of these communities?
Knowing our true self means naming the communities to which we belong. When we do so, we shape our values and boundaries in alignment with these communities.
(3) Human Operating System
Our identity is grounded when we have clarity of our human operating system. Essentially, the human operating system is a recurring set of thinking, emotional, behavioral, and conversational habits shaped by and exercised in our aggregated life experiences. We derive our strengths, motivations, fears, and emotional triggers from these habits.
Profiling tools are popular for this reason—they help to give people a sense of themselves through the data received. Across the world, coaches use profiling tools to help people derive the language to describe the human operating system. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths profiling tool.
Knowing our true self means understanding our human operating system.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
- What motivates and drives me even when no one is looking?
- What are my deep fears and insecurities that I have to overcome regularly?
- What are my boundaries? What kind of behavior by others will trigger me to react?
Answering these questions helps us to be more grounded.
A side note: we often get into situations where we are required to think, feel and behave unnaturally, as part of the adaptive process. This is usually evident when we pursue growth and expansion of Self.
For example - a more introverted person is required to be more assertive in a particular work context. Those with a fixed mindset might have internal thoughts that shout out “This is not me”. Those with a growth mindset embrace the discomfort as part of their growth.
(4) Core Sense of Self - Values
Our identity is grounded when we understand the Core Sense of Self. The core is the unchanging self across multiple contexts. This core is a set of values and beliefs that remain constant and true of us in every setting. Some might describe them as convictions. I found this model by Marcus Marsden helpful in deepening my understanding.
The outermost layer constitutes my preferences. These include my desire to visit Japan for a holiday or have chicken rice weekly for lunch.
The next layer contains my duties and best practices. These include my duties as a citizen of Singapore, my daily routines and practices such as swimming three times a week and going for a walk after dinner.
The third layer houses my principles - doing what I have promised others, being humble and courageous to admit my mistakes, giving my best effort even when no one sees what I do and actively forgiving those who have hurt me.
The innermost layer is where my core convictions reside - loving God wholeheartedly and joyfully as a Christian, loving and serving my wife and children sacrificially.
Knowing our true self means naming and knowing what we might put into each of these circles, especially the third and innermost layers. The Core Sense of Self is derived from understanding what we consciously hold as our principles (third layer) and our convictions (the innermost layer).
(5) Sense of Worth
Finally, our identity is grounded when we know our Sense of Worth. This sense of worth imbues us with significance and creates our value in society. It is an assessment we hold, one that we build from a young age. The sense of worth comes from having a deep sense of being loved and accepted. Love and acceptance from our family and community play a strong part in cultivating a sense of worth. The stronger our sense of worth, the more confident and grounded we become.
As a coach, I observe that this is an area of struggle for many. Growing up, we often suffer trauma that diminishes our sense of worth. For some, the trauma comes from experiencing family brokenness. For some, the trauma comes from labels - stupid, slow, fat, or ugly, just to name a few. For some, the trauma comes from abuse.
The sense of worth can be severely impacted because of the shame we experienced in our childhood. We struggle to accept ourselves. We act out of our insecurities. We retaliate. We bully. We blame. We manipulate. Deep down, we feel fragile. We struggle with self-acceptance. We choose to self-protect to avoid getting hurt.
Author Brene Brown calls the act of self-protection “armouring”. When we start to practice armouring, our identity becomes a blur and we struggle to get a good grasp of our self-worth.
Knowing our true self is an intentional process of deepening our sense of worth. For many, this process becomes a spiritual journey. Some seek to follow a Higher Being. Some seek spiritual practices. I started seeking spiritual growth when I was around 17 years old. In my brokenness, I saw a void that needed to be filled. I eventually decided to follow Christ after being touched and convinced by His love and His ways.
Seeking a sense of worth is not the same journey for everyone. For me, the result of following Christ helps me experience the sense of being loved and accepted. The ongoing learning process includes (but is not limited to) opening up my heart to love and receive love despite the risk of getting hurt. Instead of practicing armouring, I choose to practice vulnerability (with wisdom). I learn to exercise self-compassion and seek forgiveness when I make mistakes. I learn to practice accountability in how I live my life. I learn to exercise humility (not overplaying or downplaying our significance). As I grow and make progress, I learn to practice empathy and compassion towards others. So being my true self means to imitate the life of Christ and to live out the identity bestowed.
Back to the question: Who am I? What is my true self?
Rather than just a vague act of looking within, I hope these five alternative ideas provide a deeper framework to explore this philosophical question. Let me know if you’ve practiced or come across other ideas too—I will be glad to learn.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.
