The Wall of Emotions

Someone once said to me many years ago:

“Victor, you have been married for 12 years right? If you don’t tear down the wall that stopped you from engaging emotionally, your marriage might not last 20 (years).”

We are emotional beings long before we are logical ones. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame - these live in our bodies like weather systems. But somewhere along my own journey, I’ve learnt how not to feel, but to manage. I’ve learnt how not to express, but to understand emotions from a safe distance. I learn to talk about emotions without ever really sitting in them. And so, brick by brick, I built the Wall.

The Wall of Emotions isn’t loud. It’s quiet and functional. It lets me perform, lead, show up, even love (to a certain extent). Others feel my love by what I do for them. In CliftonStrengths language, I am an Activator and I’m a Achiever. I am fast to act and I believe that others feel my love by what I do for them.

But this wall has a way to stop me from going deeper in connecting with others. I often talk about stress but never could name the loneliness under it. I might name the sadness, but I never cry in public. The Wall protects me, but I never knew that it also isolates me. I have often felt lonely even when I am constantly surrounded by people. Over time, others around me including my wife feel something missing though they might not be able to pinpoint it. I felt it too.

In one of my earlier vocation as a pastoral worker, I had to deal often with crisis. I have dealt with multiple suicides. I have gone to the mortuary many times to identify and collect dead bodies. I have conducted many funerals. I have many conversations with people who have experienced abuse. I have been inside rooms where individuals are wailing in sorrow. Yet, I have the ability to appear unflinched. This Wall doesn’t look like avoidance. It can look like strength, competence, even leadership. Often in crisis, I am calm and collected. 

I have led many teams with this wall. I can give advice while staying emotionally unreachable. This wall has kept me safe and has helped me perform my duties well (or at least in my own assessment).

Back to the feedback: 
I was taken aback but not shocked.
I wasn’t offended.
I saw certain truth in the comment.

I had some consistent feedback over the years - I often appeared intimidating. Sometimes I come across as cold and emotionless. There seems to be a need to look strong and put together. 

The Wall was my coping mechanism. 

I became curious. I explored what the wall is about. I looked at how the wall has served me and how it has limited me. I realized what has served me over the years is no longer serving me.

I also realized that my CliftonStrengths themes canbe just as powerful without this wall. I do not have to be limited by assessments that others have made. An Activator loves being fast and I can also choose patience. Self-Assurance shows up as confident and I can choose vulnerability. Command can be courageous and I can choose tenderness. Strategic can be efficient and I can choose patience. It’s about what I choose and how I expand.

Fast forward to today, the brick wall has become more like a partition. Breaking down my wall has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have suffered a lot of discomfort and have reaped a lot of rewards. I have moved from being stoic to become more empathetic. I can now confidently say I am more able to be able to sit in the discomfort of my emotions.

The invitation here isn’t to become emotional in a dramatic or performative way. 

It’s to feel—really feel—what’s under the surface, and allow others to witness it. Not conceptually but in practice. It might be awkward, raw, unfamiliar. But this is how the Wall begins to crack, to un-thaw, to dissolve. Not all at once—but slowly and courageously. 

Emotionally honest presence is not weakness. It is perhaps the rarest and most powerful kind of strength.

Have you wondered “what might be possible if you start to take down the wall?”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What’s Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

This quote by author Charles Feltman resonates very deeply with me. Often when I read this statement, I feel that it’s asking me to pause and look beneath the surface. It sets me thinking - What do I risk when I trust another?

I have experienced betrayal by friends. I have been cheated of my money. There are certain deep emotional hurts or baggages we carry after experiencing broken trust.

Each of us have our stories.

Increasingly, I am discovering that trust isn’t about giving someone else my wallet, house keys, the password to my mobile or my secrets. It’s about what I am putting on the line. What I am willing to face—if things go sideways (again). What are the baggages and deep hurts that will resurface once again?

So, what do we risk when we trust?

The purpose of this article is to explore this question. What are these real, visceral, human aspects or sacred spaces that we expose every time we let someone in? 

In my exploration, I found eight different areas of loss when trust is broken. I termed these losses as “senses”. Each of these has a short story to illustrate the distinctions.

1. Sense of Worth – “Am I enough?”

When we trust someone with our truth, our needs, or even just our bad jokes—we’re quietly asking, “Will you see me as worthy?”
When this sense is affected through broken trust, it doesn’t just sting. It cuts really deep. It can whisper lies like “maybe I don’t matter after all.”

The loss often associated with this sense of worth is our Voice. Have you met people who seemingly don’t have a voice or feel that what they expressed just doesn’t matter? Often, these people might not even speak up when they are asked, choosing to forgo that opportunity to speak their thoughts, ideas and opinions. They preferred to stay in the background and chose to be invisible. 

Amara sat quietly in the team meeting. She has always been a hardworking individual and has been in the company for over 15 years. But few know what is on her mind. She just doesn’t speak up. When she does, it’s mostly along the lines of “I’m fine with this; I’ve no issues”. 

Unknown to her colleagues, many years ago, Amara finally opened up to her manager about feeling overlooked for months. She spoke vulnerably, carefully. Her manager smiled and nodded. Subsequently he made a joke about her being “too sensitive” during the next team meeting. She felt so diminished that she vowed within her that she would not share her inner thoughts again at work. It was too painful to relive that memory. 

2. Sense of Safety – “Can I breathe around you?”

This isn’t just about physical security. It’s the psychological safety to say the hard things, show the messy bits, and not flinch in fear. When this safety is compromised? Anxiety walks in and builds a fort. 

When we lose our sense of safety after trust is broken in a particular relationship, life feels like stepping on eggshells when we interact with this person. 

Vinny confided in his colleague about something that happened to him in childhood. A few weeks later, during an argument, she threw it back at him. Vinny didn’t just feel betrayed—he felt emotionally unsafe. Walls went up. The space where he once felt he could breathe? Gone. The safety has been violated. 

3. Sense of Self – “Do I still recognize me?”

We trust others not just with our presence, but with our essence—the convictions, values, and beliefs we hold close to our heart.

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt—it can shake our inner compass, leaving us asking, “Was I wrong to believe in this….or them?”

When we feel betrayed by people we deeply trust, by those who encapsulate our beliefs and values, our sense of self is destablised. The loss of trust creates recurring self-doubt and often leave us on a downward spiral. The loss often accompanied with this sense of self is our confidence.

Ella has always believed honesty was her compass. So when she blew the whistle on some unethical practices at work, she thought she was doing the right thing. She believed her manager was trustworthy and had strong ethics. Instead, she was quietly sidelined in projects and meetings. Ella began to question the values that anchored her. “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet…” she thought. 

She didn’t just lose trust in others. She started having self-doubt. She battled the price paid from living her values. She started to wonder about the cost of living her values. Her confidence dips. Her sense of personal agency drops. 

4. Sense of Hope – “Is it still worth believing?”

Hope is the quiet music playing in the background when we take risks. Hope creates this silent expectation that maybe, just maybe, this might eventually work out.

But when trust crumbles? That music cuts. And silence rushes in.

Chris believed in the vision of the company. He believed he was contributing to meaningful work. He was a very committed worker. But he could not forsee what was coming.

He ended up so hurt by the system that he gave more than 15 years of his life to. He was asked to go. No reasons were given. Just a cold email sent to him. Since then, he lost trust in all kinds of community that represented an institution. He became extremely cynical. His sense of hope had diminished in proportion to the huge loss he has experienced. He could not hold down any job. Wherever he went, he would quickly disengage and distance himself from others. He stopped believing that positive change can take place in any system that is represented by an institution.

5. Sense of Belonging – “Am I still part of something?”

We all want to feel like we fit. Like we have a seat at the table. Trust opens the door to community, intimacy, and shared humanity.

When this trust is violated, the room can suddenly feel cold and we no longer enjoy sitting in the chair that we once enjoyed sitting in. 

Kenny finally came out to his closest friends. He believed they were supportive until he overheard one of them mocking him at a party.

In that moment, Kenny didn’t just feel hurt. He felt alone. The group where he thought he belonged had quietly closed its door behind him. The loss so damaged him that he will end up sabotaging himself (unconsciously) whenever he got close to another community. He will end up leaving any group that he felt close to. He just could not bear to relive the pain. Superficial friendship became the norm.

6. Sense of Integrity – “Did I betray myself?”

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t that someone let you down… it’s that you ignored your gut.

Trusting someone when something inside you said “wait” can leave you wrestling not just with disappointment—but with yourself.

Shane could not forgive himself after falling prey to a scam. There was an instinct that something felt off. But the investment was paying off very well and this group of people felt trustworthy. He chose to rationalise and believe the discomfort he experienced was a result of overthinking. His financial loss impacted his own sense of integrity. He always believed that he was grounded in his own values. How could he be blinded by the lure of quick success? 

7. Sense of Wholeness – “Can I be all of me here?”

This particular one feels tender. Trust allows us to show up fully—unfiltered, unarmored, unapologetically us. Many want to live out the best version of themselves - the FULL version.

When trust is lost after we are met with ridicule or are rejected, we start armoring. We start compartmentalising. We go from whole… to parts.

“Leave your emotions at the door!” Jessy felt she was picked on. She felt shame. She felt all the eyes were on her during that moment. It was then she decided that to survive at work is to compartmentalise. She will show up with the parts that her boss and colleagues want to see and that would be enough. She no longer feels safe to engage with her whole self at work.

8. Sense of Contribution – “Does what I give matter?”

We often want to feel like what we do matters. It can be an act of care. It can be our effort to maintain peace within the team. It can be the work behind the scenes or at the front of the room. When we offer ourselves, we are saying, “This is how I hope to make a difference in this world.”

If that contribution is dismissed, ignored, or used? It’s more than disappointing—it can gut our belief that what we do matter in this world.

Tariq worked tirelessly and poured months into a community project. Late nights, free hours, full heart. While he was not looking for rewards, he felt small and invisible when someone else got the credit for many parts of his work. His name was never mentioned. The energy, once fueled by purpose, drained out. “Why bother?” he thought. “Does what I give even matter?”

So why risk? Why trust? Why choose vulnerability?

In my opinion, the alternatives are worse. 
Loneliness. Isolation. Numbness.
The experience of distrust is actually a common human experience. At least, that is what I have been seeing as a professional coach.

Trust takes courage.
It’s the daily decision to say, “Even though I know this could hurt, I choose to be open.”
Maybe trusting “again” is the most human thing to do.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What Makes DIfficult Conversations DIfficult?

Imagine sitting at the dinner table, chopsticks in hand, about to tell your parents you’re quitting your very stable job to become a church worker. Or perhaps you need to tell your boss, who has invested so much into you and practically raised you in the company—that you’re resigning to pursue a better opportunity.

Each of these moments carries a familiar tension. The heart beats faster. The stomach tightens. The mind is racing with a thousand “what ifs”.. The mix of anxiety, hesitation, and imagined catastrophe, is exactly what many may experience before a difficult conversation. 

But why? What makes some conversations feel effortless while others feel like crossing a minefield blindfolded? What makes certain feedback sessions or performance conversations feel dreadful?

It comes down to FEAR.

Not the kind of fear that makes us run from tigers, but the kind that whispers “What if?” and creates deep anxiety within us. Beneath the surface, our minds anticipate danger, threats to our relationships, our self-image, or our sense of security. These fears whisper, “Tread carefully,” and before we know it, the conversation has become a daunting, treacherous terrain.

The topic of difficult conversations is a common one. No one enjoys the experience of going into an important conversation feeling like they are walking on a tightrope.

So what makes difficult conversation difficult?

Here are nine commonly hidden fears that make certain conversations feel like an emotional battlefield.

1. Fear of Conflict

Imagine a traditional Chinese family where the eldest son wants to marry someone his parents disapprove of. When he finally gathers the courage to bring it up, his father’s face darkens. His mother lets out a long sigh. “If you do this, you are breaking our family’s heart.”

For many, the idea of confrontation, especially with elders, authority figures, or people we deeply respect, feels unbearable. There’s a deeply ingrained belief in maintaining harmony, even if it means suppressing personal truth. We fear that speaking up will lead to anger, disapproval, or worse, being cast out emotionally. This is one of the most common fears that creates the perception that a certain conversation is going to be extremely difficult.


2. Fear of Emotional Outbursts

Eva, a young mother of two young kids, finally decides to tell her own mother she needs space from the family’s constant expectations. But as soon as she starts, her mother’s eyes well up. “After all I’ve sacrificed for you, is this how you repay me?”

In Singapore and Asian families in general, certain emotions, especially guilt, disappointment, and sorrow, carry weight. Many of us have seen firsthand how one conversation can turn into tears, shouting, or a long, painful silence. We fear that going into such conversations will create an emotional mess we won’t know how to clean up. It is a picture of a wildly shaken coke bottle being opened - the pressure bursting forth.

This fear is especially real for leaders who face the task of informing subordinates “You have been let go.”


3. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

A husband sits in silence at the dinner table, his heart pounding as his wife sits opposite him enjoying her dinner. All he feels is guilt. He knew he has crossed a line. The weight of that mistake hangs heavy between them, even though she doesn’t know it. He wants to confess, but he hesitates. What if they don’t recover from this setback? What if this single moment, which he deeply regrets, becomes the wedge that drives them apart?

In many Asian cultures, marriage is often seen as a lifelong commitment, where duty and harmony take precedence. The idea of “rocking the boat” with an admission of guilt feels almost reckless. He fears that if he confesses, his wife will be devastated, their bond irreparably damaged, or worse—she will leave him.

So, he convinces himself that keeping quiet is the kinder option. “Why hurt her over something that will never happen again?” he rationalizes. Yet, deep down, he knows that every time she smiles at him with trust in her eyes, he will feel the weight of his unspoken truth.

This particular fear highlights the paradox of difficult conversations: the very thing we fear might break the relationship may actually be the only thing that can heal it. But fear—of pain, of fallout, of losing what we cherish—keeps us silent.

4. Fear of Being Misunderstood

Ling, a project manager sits in a meeting, her hands clasped tightly under the table. Across from her is Peter, a senior colleague. The air between them is thick with unspoken tension. Ling had sent an email to their director highlighting delays in their project. She hadn’t intended to single anyone out. She simply wanted to give an honest update. But Peter, who was responsible for a key part of the project, took it personally. He had since grown distant, his once-friendly interactions replaced by curt replies and a noticeable coldness.

She wants to clear the air, knowing the team works best when there’s trust and open communication. The fear of being misunderstood stops her. 

Communication is tricky. We fear that, no matter how carefully we choose our words, they will be misinterpreted. Our intention won’t be seen, only the impact would be felt. This fear keeps us silent, convinced that speaking up will only make things worse.

A big challenge in difficult conversations isn’t just finding the right words. It’s overcoming the fear that our words will be misinterpreted. 

5. Fear of Losing Respect (and Reputation)

Tom, a senior leader in an MNC, knew that the mistake he made had an impact on this team. He felt a need to apologize to his team, but he hesitates. He has spent years building his reputation as a strong, caring and competent leader. The fear of losing respect was one that occupied his mind the most. 

In hierarchical societies, admitting to a mistake can feel dangerous, especially among men. Research done on marriage relationships showed that generally men need to feel respected while women generally want to feel that they are cared for. For many men, the fear of losing face (面子) and losing respect stops many conversations before they even begin.

For many leaders, these conversations feel like playing a game of Jenga. One wrong move, and the whole tower might come tumbling down. Owning up to a mistake is often a difficult conversation for many male leaders because of the fear that it will lead to a huge loss of respect. For many, this loss of respect reflects a huge loss in the sense of identity. 

6. Fear of Uncertainty

Elsa, a regional sales director, sits at her desk, scrolling through the sales numbers. Sales are down and she knows that there needs to be a conversation with her boss. The uncertainty of the conversation was overwhelming. For her, uncertainty isn’t just about the unknown outcome of the conversation. It’s about losing control over the narrative. She’s spent years proving herself in a male-dominated industry, carefully crafting a reputation as competent and strategic. What if the conversation doesn’t go well, what will that mean for how she’s perceived?

The real fear is stepping into a situation where she can’t control how she’s seen or how the discussion unfolds. The need for control makes the uncertainty of the conversation feels unbearable.

Should she wait? Maybe the numbers will improve. Maybe the boss will bring up the problem first. Maybe she can delay this just a little longer.

Deep down, she knows that the longer she avoids the conversation of the sales performance, the more control she actually loses.

Like stepping into a dark room, we hesitate because we don’t know what’s waiting for us on the other side. Sometimes, the fear of “what might happen” feels scarier than the conversation itself.


7. Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

A young entrepreneur dreads telling his family that his startup has failed and he had lost a huge sum of money. He had spent a long time convincing his family back then that starting the business will be the best choice for him. He knows his parents will be disappointed. But what he was really afraid of was confronting his own feelings of failure.

Difficult conversations often shine a spotlight on the things we don’t want to face about ourselves. Whether it’s admitting failure, acknowledging a past mistake, or confronting an uncomfortable truth, sometimes the hardest part of a conversation isn’t the other person’s reaction. It’s dealing with our own shame or self-judgment.

Often, difficult conversations have a sneaky way of turning the mirror back on us. We may start off focused on a particular topic or person, but suddenly, we’re confronted with our own blind spots, biases, or mistakes. This fear keeps many of us from engaging in such conversations. Deep down, we’re not just afraid of what they’ll say; we’re afraid of what we’ll see.


8. Fear of Disappointing Someone

Darius has decided to reject a scholarship offer. Instead, he chose to stay in Singapore to pursue a startup with his friends. It’s a risky move, but it excites him in a way that the academic path never did. He sits in his room, wondering how to break the news to his parents.

He can already picture the look on his mother’s face - the quiet sigh, the subtle drop in her shoulders. She won’t yell or argue, but her silence will say everything. “After everything we’ve done for you, this is what you choose?”

Darius fears the weight of that unspoken disappointment, the feeling of letting down the people who have sacrificed so much for him. In many Asian families, where expectations for success and stability are deeply ingrained, the fear of disappointing parents, mentors, or elders can be more paralyzing than outright conflict.

This particular fear stems from a deep desire to meet expectations, maintain approval, or avoid feelings of guilt or inadequacy. When we anticipate that our words or decisions might let someone down, we may hesitate to engage in the conversation altogether, fearing a loss of trust, respect, or emotional connection.

9. Fear of Being Disappointed

Ellie takes a deep breath before knocking on her director’s office door. She has spent weeks preparing for this conversation—gathering data, structuring her arguments, rehearsing every possible response. She has decided that she is finally going to address the toxic work culture in their department.

She knows that if things don’t change, more people will leave. But as she steps inside, the fear of being disappointed creeps into her head.

The fear isn’t just about having the conversation—it’s about investing emotional energy into something that may not lead to real change. 

What if this conversation changes nothing?
What if he nods, listens, but ultimately dismisses her concerns?
What if, despite all her efforts, the long hours, the unspoken expectations, and the toxic culture continue—just as they always have?

In many workplaces, employees hesitate to speak up because they worry their voices won’t matter. It’s not just the fear of rejection—it’s the fear of hoping for something better, only to be let down.

Ellie knows that if she walks out of that office with nothing but empty assurances, she will have to decide: does she keep fighting, or does she accept that this is just the way things are?

And that’s the deeper fear—the fear that we may have to accept what we cannot change.

Summary: Many of the fears listed above are intertwined. It’s often a combination of fear that one struggles with. The aim of this post is to create greater awareness of what we struggle with.

The fears don’t have to stop us. Every human being struggles with fear. Wrestling with fear is what makes us human. The desire for this post is for us to notice the voices of fear in our heads that make conversations difficult.

“We can only intervene effectively when we can see clearly.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

How Shame Shows Up in the Workplace

This article is a follow-up to the previous article - The Effects of Shame and Honor Culture. I have written this to spotlight the shame language and behaviors to help readers better relate with the emotional habit of shame.

So how does shame show up in the workplace?

The easiest way to spot might be through our language. In the mood (emotional habit) of shame, one might use words to shame others (especially in anger and frustration). The language of shame often has the effect of assaulting another person’s character and diminishing another person’s self-worth. This way of speaking (shaming others) is usually quite invisible to the speaker. When I realized I was using such language at work and home, it was a big ah-ha moment. The tonality plays a part too. In the mood of shame, our tones tend to be aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Here are some examples of shame language:

"Why can't you just get this right?"
This phrase implies that the other person is failing at something simple, potentially creating feelings of inadequacy in that person. 

"This should have been easy for you, right?”
This phrase suggests that a task should be easy and implies one should be ashamed when there is a struggle.

“Are you stupid or what?”
This phrase attacks the person who made the mistake and implies that the person is of lesser value.

"You always seem to mess this up."
Using "always" can make a person feel like they are perpetually failing, leading to a sense of worthlessness.

"Even [Name] can do this, why can't you?"
We often hear this used in parenting. This phrase also shows up in the workplace as well. Comparing someone’s performance to another can create feelings of inferiority and shame.

"You're not cut out for this."
Such phrases (especially when used by managers) directly question a person's capabilities, potentially leading to deep feelings of shame. Rather than adopting a growth mindset and working on developing a person’s skills, we choose judgment and write someone off.

"Which part of these simple instructions do you not understand?
This phrase can make someone feel like they are a burden or incapable of understanding, triggering shame.

"Why are you so emotional?”
This question can easily invalidate feelings and make others feel weak or ashamed of their emotional responses. In the workplace, it is often used to label and shame women. 

As you read these examples of the shame language, I invite you to pause and notice your responses. 

Besides the use of language, there are behaviors closely connected to shame. Here are five categories to help us relate to shame behaviors.

Self-Confidence
In a mood of shame, one might avoid feedback for fear of judgment. Self-confidence might be very low. There is a reluctance to share ideas and thoughts in meetings for fear of being judged, ridiculed, or rejected. On the opposite spectrum, a person swimming in shame shows up as super confident and knowledgeable, as an expert in a particular field. The deeper fear, experienced by such a person in shame, is to be seen as inadequate. A person swimming in shame often struggles with imposter syndrome because of the deep fear of inadequacy. 

Performance Standards
In a mood of shame, one can be extremely risk averse, avoiding new opportunities, promotions, or challenges. The whole idea is to play safe when delivering work performance. There is a deep-seated fear of failure and the feelings of shame that might follow. One might also be constantly procrastinating because of the fear of making mistakes. On the opposite spectrum, one might strive for extremely high standards to avoid any possibility of criticism. There is an unquenchable drive towards perfectionism. The feeling of inadequacy pushes one to feel there is a need to prove to others that "I'm good enough".  

Social Interactions
In a mood of shame, one might avoid social interactions for fear of being judged. The fear is showing up as socially awkward and inauthentic. The internal thoughts of “Am I cool enough? Am I smart enough? Can I fit into this group? Will the people like and accept me for who I am?” often create a lot of anxiety and worry. On the opposite spectrum, one swimming in shame might be Mr or Ms “Popular”. Life looks like a popularity contest. Such a person might be involved in excessive people-pleasing. There is a constant need for approval by others, driven by a desire to be liked and accepted. There is a strong view that self-worth is closely tied to external validation.

Responsibilities
In a mood of shame, there is a deep fear of saying "yes" because of the feeling that "I am not good enough." There is a desire to stay invisible to others and not take up responsibilities. This deep fear of being judged also silences one’s voice. Such a person ends up resisting by being passive-aggressive. There is a view that it is not good to express one’s true feelings directly for fear of being hurt. On the polar opposite spectrum, one might overcompensate the fear of being judged and say "yes" to every request, even at the expense of one’s well-being. There is a drive to keep taking on responsibilities to prove one’s worth and avoid feelings of inadequacy. There is a refusal to say no due to a fear of disappointing others. This often leads to burnout and resentment. 

Dealing with Criticisms
In a mood of shame, one might be extremely self-critical and engage regularly in negative self-talk. There is an over-focus on one’s weaknesses. The negative self-talk often reinforces the lack of self-esteem and becomes a vicious cycle. There is a deep belief that “I am unworthy and lousy.” One might say “sorry” repeatedly to others to the point of habit. It is a way of preemptively defending against potential criticism. On the opposite spectrum, one over-inflates the ego to survive the constant feeling of inadequacy. The focus is on retaining the big ego to protect the fragile inner self. One might practice shifting blame onto others as a protective mechanism to avoid being judged for making mistakes. It’s never “my mistake”. Mistakes happen because of the failures of others. Such a person with a huge ego might also be prone to taking criticism very personally. This leads to emotional outbursts, often disproportionate to what is being said. There is hyper-sensitivity to others’ opinions and a constant worry about what others might think. 

In summary, shame shows up subtly as much of the language and behaviors are already “accepted” as a norm in a society steeped in the culture of shame and honor. Many such so-called language and behaviors are common in the workplace and at home. Under pressure and in challenging situations, deep inadequacies show up in parents and leaders. The behaviors pass on from generation to generation. 

As an observer and also a participant in the shame culture, my hope is for shame to loosen its hold. We need to play up the power of honor and dignity. 

Written by Victor Seet
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.

The Effects of Shame and Honor Culture

“Are you stupid or what?”

Have you heard this phrase being yelled at by someone extremely frustrated? 

Lurking beneath certain behaviors and language is the emotion of shame. Many of us grew up in a shame and honor culture, especially within the context of Asian cultures. This article spotlights the implications and impact of the shame and honor culture on society.

In a shame and honor culture, the standards and expectations held by our families and communities (friends, schoolmates, church communities, etc) shape our sense of self and worth. We quickly learn what is acceptable and unacceptable by the shame or honor shown by the community in which we grew up.  

In Singapore, for example, youth receive honor whenever they perform well academically. Academic results are favored to sporting achievements, music, art, and technical skills. In contrast, we receive judgment and shame whenever we fail our exams and become “repeat” students. Shame has a multiplier effect. Youth who are shamed continuously by parents and relatives end up shaming their friends (through their words and behaviors albeit unintentionally). Bullying among friends and siblings happens because of the effects of shame. Experiencing bullying is excruciating when we are young and looking for a sense of belonging. Name-calling and cancel culture are part of the shame expression. 

Shame is the emotion associated with behavior regarded as unworthy by people whose acceptance and approval matter. In shame, our public identity is diminished, threatening our sense of belonging. In shame, we feel judged and unaccepted. Our insecurities expand. Shame can deeply damage our sense of self and worth.

What is often unknown is these feelings of shame linger. The emotion of shame becomes a mood (emotional habit) as one grows up in a shame and honor culture. The mood is the emotional legacy of shame passed on to individuals. Over time, the shame becomes invisible as it integrates with the thoughts and behaviors when we grow from the youth stage into the adult stage of life. 

Some internal narratives of shame are
"I don’t deserve to be loved"
"It must be my fault"
“I’m not good enough”

The language used to shame others include
“Are you STUPID or what?”
“You are such a LAZY bum!”
"You ALWAYS mess this up."

SHAME HAS A SPIRALLING EFFECT

When one is in the mood of shame, one is likely to self-sabotage—one acts in violation of the standards and expectations of the community. By doing so, one then remains in the identity of shame (this recurring pattern of behavior is invisible to the person). An example is the recurring patterns exhibited by bullies.

I often observe the shame behaviors to be in opposite spectrums. On one end, individuals in the mood of shame are more likely to engage in behaviors to dominate, respond defensively, deny responsibility, or even pin mistakes on others. On the other, individuals in shame choose to remain as invisible as possible and not contribute to discussions, hide from taking on responsibilities, or run away (in self-blame).

If emotions are a spotlight, shame shines a light on our moral standards. As an emotion, shame can be powerful as it helps a person notice and strive for the standards of love, courage, integrity, etc, that a community upholds. 

However, shame that lingers (when the emotion becomes a mood) casts one not as a human being who did something bad but as a bad human being. People in the mood of shame often feel diminished and worthless, even if they might be rich, and famous. Deep down, the belief of unworthiness bites daily and eats up a person’s self-esteem. 

A PERSONAL STORY

A few years ago, I noticed myself swimming in this mood of shame. I first noticed it in my behavior as a father. I saw the language I was using with my kids. I saw how I was shaming them when they misbehaved. I also saw other evidence of shame - I had recurring behaviors of self-sabotage, participating in activities that repeatedly filled me with guilt and regret. I also saw the recurring behaviors to prove myself when the internal talk amplified my feelings of inadequacy. For the first time, I realized so much of what I did was tied to shame. I could not see it previously. 

Noticing the shame was powerfully transformational. I did not fight, rationalize, or deny the shame. I choose instead to pay attention to my words and behaviors while swimming in the pool of shame. It was not easy to accept what I saw - the emotional legacy of shame in my life. 

The ontological coaching training helped me gain tools to see. And the more I saw shame expressed in what I said and did, the more I could intervene.

Gradually, I created a distance - I could disconnect from this mood. It (the shame) no longer owns me. I came to terms with and accepted the effects of shame. I can now choose to climb out of this pool (of shame). 

Within the shame and honor culture in Singapore, I also started to see how shame shows up in workplaces, schools, families, and churches.

READ: HOW SHAME SHOWS UP IN THE WORKPLACE

As a Christian, I have also observed the effects of the shame and honor culture in churches. In a community that declares grace and engages primarily with the moral lens, those struggling with shame feel even more judged (unfortunately) by the standards held by the church community. Church leaders and members who are themselves swimming in shame, dished out judgments of shame (often unknowingly). Many eventually leave the church, feeling even more disillusioned and hurt by the judgments (the condition commonly known as Christian hypocrisy).

Genesis 3:6-13

6 When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. 8 Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. 9 But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” 10 He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” 11 And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” 12 The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” 13 Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

In the bible, shame was experienced after the fall. By violating the standards set by God, Adam and Eve no longer see the nature of the loving God. They chose to hide. They blame others. Shame became their identity. 

In closing, the effects of the shame and honor culture have implications on the daily language and behavior seen in the workplace and at home. The emotional legacy of shame has passed from one generation to another.

My sincere hope is shame will have a lesser stronghold on our society. We need hope and healing.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

Have You Heard of a Commitment to a Mood?

A commitment is like a promise. It is doing what we say we will do.

The idea of commitment is the idea of “all in”. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. Those who fully commit do not add a “but” or “if” or have any secret back doors - invisible conditions that will help them out of a situation when they cannot achieve that task. 

Commitment is often associated with the finishing of a task. For those familiar with the CliftonStrengths assessment, the people with the ‘Responsibility’ theme understand commitment intuitively. They have an innate motivation to take ownership of the tasks they commit to and follow through to completion.

Have you also heard of a commitment to a mood?

A mood is an emotion that we want to stick around with. A mood has a longer-lasting effect on a person. It is an emotional state that we want to stay in. The mood affects our thoughts and actions. We are likely to smile when we are committed to joy and peace. We are likely to think “I am sure he did not mean it” and give the person the benefit of the doubt when we are committed to gratitude. We are likely to complain or connect a person’s behavior to his lack of moral standards when committed to resentment.

As an ontological coach, I saw a distinction between a commitment to a task and a commitment to a mood.

Similarities: 

• Both forms of commitment require ownership.

• Both forms of commitment demonstrate a follow-through of the intent.

Differences

• When we commit to a task, we follow through by completing the task. When we commit to a mood, we follow through by creating stories in our heads that reflect the emotion we want to stick with. 

• Commitment to a task is often visible and easily observable. Commitment to a mood is often invisible and not easily observed by the owner of the mood. 
  

Let me share two examples of a commitment to a mood.

(1) Have you had a memory of a holiday filled with many unexpected turns of events? You lost your luggage. Your flight got delayed. You forgot to bring your passport to the airport. You lost something you bought. You lost your way traveling to a particular destination. 

Yet, despite the obstacles and discomfort experienced, you quickly found things to be thankful for and grateful for. You created stories in your head to preserve the mood you strongly wanted to stay in. None of the setbacks changed your commitment to stick to joy and gratitude. You proudly declare to others that it was a great holiday experience. And you desire for more of such trips. This example is an idea of committing to a mood. You were committed to experiencing gratitude and joy for the holiday. Nothing got in your way of staying with these emotions you were committed to. 

(2) Have you had a memory of being frustrated and angry for the entire day? The coffee was bad. The lunch was dissatisfying. The project meeting was unproductive and a waste of time. You felt your client’s demands were unreasonable. You were irritated by the attitudes of your colleagues The list goes on. 

This example is a commitment to a different mood, perhaps resentment. When we commit to the mood of resentment, every story in our head points to frustration, injustice, and unfairness. We will often find something to blame. And we will commit to being right about our story. The commitment to stay RIGHT and to see our story as the truth is a hallmark of resentment. We seek acknowledgment from others about the story we hold. When others do not agree with us, we feel even more resentful and frustrated. There is a sense of how the world is so unfair. The mood of resentment broods distrust.

A Related Article: Listening Through Our Mood

What are the benefits of seeing this distinction of commitment to a mood?


1. Seeing the distinction allows us to break free from emotional entanglements. The mood no longer owns us. When we gain awareness of our commitment to a mood, we become more aware of the stories we regularly churn out in our heads. Seeing empowers us to own our mood and make choices. Seeing helps those who feel stuck and unsure why their thought patterns keep recurring. Conversely, when we see our recurring stories, we also identify the mood that might be invisible to us. 

2. Seeing allow us to choose. We can choose to remain in the mood. We can choose to break free and create another new mood to be committed to. The ability to choose increases personal agency. For example, the emotion of resentment is neither good nor bad. It is the emotional energy that propels people to break through a high level of resistance to see justice served. The emotional energy from resentment helps us stand up for the bullied. It also helps us speak up for the silenced. However, when we commit to being in the mood of resentment, we are also actively creating stories in our heads that block out the possibilities of gratitude, joy, grace, and forgiveness. Seeing allows us to choose wisely depending on context.

3. It is possible that highly committed individuals act and behave in ways detrimental to their own mental and emotional health. Seeing the distinction allows these people (including ourselves) to see the darkness or the shadow side of commitment. 

Reflection: what mood have you been committed to at work, at home, or for specific relationships?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Stronger Together: Learnings from a Loneliness Dialogue

“Do I belong? Or am I fitting in?”

There is a distinction between fitting in and feeling belonged. Fitting in is not belonging. When we attempt to fit in, we are changing ourselves in order to be accepted. We might not be seen as who we really are and that might possibly be a deeply lonely experience.

I was part of a facilitator group for a loneliness dialogue attended by a group of working professionals from diverse backgrounds. When I listened to what were being shared, the conversations were interesting but not unexpected. Some shared reasons on why people felt lonely in their organizations:

• Leadership requires making hard decisions. Lack of empathy by team members intensifies the loneliness felt by leaders

• Addiction to achieving outcomes often meant people get caught in busyness. They stop listening and relating to one another

• Lack of common space and trust to dialogue about conflicting beliefs that run deep within the organization.

The list goes on.

The bottom line from the loneliness dialogue? People want to feel accepted and belonged.

Why do people feel lonely?

Perhaps we have been overdoing “fitting in” to the neglect of creating a sense of belonging. This is my hypothesis.

For some, the habit and practice of fitting in started from a young age. Fitting in to what parents want, fitting in to school rules, fitting in to find friends - we change ourselves to survive. And habits can be hard to change. Despite the deep yearnings to discover who we really are, many grew up struggling to answer the question of “who am I truly?”

In my personal observation as a professional coach, identity building work continues to be a territory that is under explored by many individuals. Many people define themselves through work. It is common to state our work title or role when we are asked to introduce ourselves. It is also common to observe people burying themselves deep at work to the neglect of self care.

What are the implications of overdoing “fitting in”?

In the workplace, this habit of trying to fit in, to gain approval from the boss, colleagues and the system, can undermine culture building work. There is often an expectation that when we make adjustments to fit in, we should be accepted. There must be reciprocity. Fear and anxiety are often the emotions that accompany these expectations. Unfortunately, what we often experienced instead are rejections. The results of these rejections meant the emotions turn from fear and anxiety towards that of disappointment, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Picture the emotional states of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, fear, anxiety etc, driven by the mindset to survive - this is often the context surrounding conversations in teams and organizations. This emotional context is invisible but it is tangible.

What can you do to make a difference?

Every individual can intervene into a large system. Change usually start from the small things. Here might be some possible ideas you can act on.
- Notice and pay attention to the emotional context in workplace conversations.
- Notice how you are participating in your workplace conversations and the mood you are bringing.
- Notice if you are intentionally building a supportive community within your organization.

STRONGER TOGETHER AS A NATION

Creating a sense of belonging is in essence an identity issue. It is an issue individuals and businesses need to address. It is also an issue that Singapore as a nation seeks to address.

Singapore’s narrative is essentially one of survival. Geo-political tension, climate change, terrorism etc…there is a long list of global challenges that impact Singapore. For a country with little natural resources, we need to be efficient and productive to survive. We must often adapt quickly to the global context. Yet at the same time, we need to build our own identity as a nation. We need to preserve our unique heritage. We need to create a place that Singaporeans feel proud to belong.

This juggling act is a huge tension.

Here’s an example to illustrate the tension.
Wet markets in Singapore forms a unique space where local communities are formed and a sense of belonging is created within the precinct. Wet markets are however viewed as inefficient. Supermarkets or hyper marts are increasingly flooding the heartlands. These supermarkets increase the efficiency and productivity of grocery shopping. No one stops to connect and build relationships in these supermarkets. One represents a culture created out of the desire to belong and form communities. The other represents a culture created out of a need to survive the global threats.

As more and more wet markets cease to exist, how do we preserve such a space where local communities are often formed and a sense of belonging is created? Do we continue to demolish these wet markets and replace them with supermarkets of high efficiency and productivity?

How CAN we AS SINGAPOREANS CONTRIBUTE?

We have built a narrative over the years - the survival mindset of “kiasu (fear of losing) and kiasi (fear of dying)”. That has served us well and allowed us to transform from a third world to a first world nation. It is perhaps a good time we build a new narrative - “stronger together” and complement the old.

These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive. We need to survive by creating a stronger sense of belonging. We need to be more intentional to be more relational, more inclusive and build communities wherever we go. We need to be more intentional to promote neighbourliness. We need to be more accepting and tolerant given the increasingly more fragmented society. The future generations will be shaped by how we survive and be stronger together.

When our perspectives expand, it is not lofty to suggest that as Singaporeans, we are well resourced and capable of finding solutions. On this note, I personally felt that the leaders of our nation have done a tremendous job in keeping this balance. The journey ahead however continues to be filled with uncertainties and challenges.

Moving forward to 2023 and beyond, may we be a nation that can strengthen our identity, build a greater sense of belonging and survive the global upheavals together.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Emotional Intelligence with CliftonStrengths

As a believer in the strengths-based approach, I have been integrating emotional intelligence with strengths intelligence as I continue my practice into the ontological approach to coaching. It is something I have been experimenting with over the past few years. This article explores how I have been integrating these two areas of human intelligence. Specifically, this article presents how I have used the CliftonStrengths profiling to enhance emotional intelligence.

If you google emotional intelligence, you will come across four components - self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. This article explores these four specific components of emotional intelligence.

Self-Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-awareness is the ability to see how our emotional states affect our daily living, such as our decision-making or our communication with others. It is the ability to know ourselves and understand our feelings.

For example, when we are in an emotional state of anger, we are predisposed to retaliate in words or actions. When we are in an emotional state of curiosity, we are predisposed to ask questions and gain new knowledge and understanding.

CliftonStrengths assessment can help individuals understand the likely emotional habits they might have built over time (albeit subconsciously).

Here are some examples:
1. Individuals with high Responsibility might have developed emotional habits such as anxiety, worry, fear, etc. They are predisposed to feeling burdened because of the responsibilities they carry. In Singapore, some with the Responsibility theme might be called a “kancheong spider” (a term to describe individuals often flustered while dealing with anxiety).

2. Using a combination of two CliftonStrengths themes: Individuals with both the Activator and Achiever primarily focus on getting things started and finishing tasks. They might be predisposed to developing the emotional habit of ambition and perhaps less likely to experience the emotional state of calmness or peace.

3. People with the Maximizer or Restorative are often viewed as “perfectionists”. They are less likely to declare satisfaction with the tasks they have completed. Things are often “not good enough”. They are less likely as well to experience peace.

Our emotional habits are often formed from our instincts to think, feel and behave.

As a coach, I feel that gaining this insight empowers individuals to have the choice of building new emotional habits to expand their human capacity and deepen their level of maturity. This knowledge helps individuals to build deeper self-awareness through the perspective of emotional habits. This knowledge also provides a more comprehensive understanding of themselves.

Self-Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-management is the ability to regulate our emotions in different situations and not let our emotions get the better of us. It is emotional regulation and self-control.

With the CliftonStrengths tool, knowing the basement (infancy) and balcony (mature) state of the CliftonStrengths themes empowers individuals to regulate their behaviors and actions. With knowledge of our basement and balcony state, we can more deliberately match our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the different situations and contexts for effectiveness. The ability to regulate our behaviors helps us to be more emotionally intelligent.

E.g The basement state of the Harmony theme includes sweeping things under the carpet or keeping silent in the face of questionable behaviors, usually for fear of conflicts. When an individual intentionally regulates his behavior and grows towards a more mature or balcony state of Harmony, it is a hallmark of being emotionally intelligent.

Conversely, not developing the Harmony theme toward maturity might cause long-term negative consequences. As a coach, I often observe resentment surfacing when individuals remain in the basement state of Harmony. This emotional state of resentment often produces more harm for individuals and hinders their ability to do effective self-management.

An article on moods

Social Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, social awareness is the ability to identify the emotions of others and use that knowledge to demonstrate empathy, connect with others and be inclusive. It is about how we relate with others, especially with people who are very different. While some view diversity as a fact of life, the idea of “common sense” shows that people expect uniformity in behaviors.

CliftonStrengths helps in two ways.

Firstly, it provides data statistically to show the odds of two persons having the same five themes in the same order is 1 in 33 million. This data has often helped those who are data-driven to embrace the diversity of those they work with.

Secondly, the CliftonStrengths profiles and write-ups provide a language in how people with certain themes think, feel and behave differently. This means that individuals and leaders can now use the strengths language intentionally to relate and interact with others.

For example, a person with the Relator theme often prefers deep conversation in a one-to-one setting. When a leader intentionally sets up regular catch-ups with the Relator, with either party able to propose their agendas for discussions, trust builds up. The CliftonStrengths tool allows leaders to increase their emotional intelligence by customizing approaches that meet the needs of different individuals.

Relationship Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, relationship management is the ability to collaborate, build trust and manage interpersonal conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths tool helps individuals to identify their strengths and blindspots. When individuals do their inner work and uncover these blindspots, they can make more appropriate and productive social decisions in different situations.

For example, individuals with the Deliberative theme see that their unique lens is often that of risk assessment. They will take time to consider the different risks before they act. Making appropriate and productive decisions could include making timely requests to others. In working with others, they might make known their decision-making process and request adequate time and space to make a decision. This process allows them to be better collaborators. It is also a mark of demonstrating high emotional intelligence.

The CliftonStrengths tool also helps individuals manage conflicts by identifying how others think, feel, and need. For example, a frustrated Analytical person might have these thoughts. “Where is the proof? What reliable data do we have? To resolve the potential conflict, we have to understand an Analytical person needs to have different data points that can withstand scrutiny. Meeting the needs of those we work with will help us manage conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths profiles also reveal, through the different themes, how individuals need to tap into specific strengths that enhance emotional intelligence for a particular situation and downplay those that hinder emotional intelligence. When individuals do that intentionally, they can make more situationally appropriate social decisions and moves.

For example, when an individual with both Achiever and Learner questions why a colleague has not completed a given task, the Achiever is usually more judgmental while the Learner is more curious. Tuning up the Learner theme and tuning down the Achiever will probably help this individual make a more appropriate social response.

Ending note: As an ontological practitioner, I embrace the idea that humans perform better when they see their strengths and emotional habits as integrated. I am happy to report that coaching clients have given me feedback that this integrated approach has empowered them to gain clarity of their inner life and has given greater ownership towards transforming their lives.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

A Manager's Guide to Understanding Emotions and Conversations

As a male who grew up in Singapore, I bought into a cultural narrative that “guys don’t do emotions”. Most of the male authority in my life hardly expressed their emotions. I was repeatedly taught that emotions can make you commit to decisions that you will regret. I grew up hearing things like “men do not cry; don’t waste time dwelling on your emotions”. The topic of emotions was one I had difficulty grasping. In fact, my entire body reacts when another person starts to tear in front of me. As I was growing up, I was determined to be strong in my mental strength and to control my emotions (mostly by suppressing).

It is now 2022 as I am writing this article. I have since realized that emotions have a profound effect on what I can and cannot achieve in areas of relationships, leadership, work, spirituality etc. If I want to be an effective leader, it is no longer enough to thrive in the “rational zone”. I need to do deeper self-work to understand, experience and learn emotions. This will ultimately increase my effectiveness to create psychological safety, mentor and coach others, listen well, to name a few important leadership competencies.

As I continue to pursue breakthroughs in the domain of emotions, I am hoping to help other leaders (especially male leaders) do the same. This article is written to explore the impact of moods and emotions on conversations. The below points are a combination of my learnings as an ontological coach, a leader, a parent and a father.

Impact of Moods and Emotions on Conversations

1. Language and actions affect emotions.

Our mood and emotion changes when we received good or bad news. I have experienced joy and satisfaction when a client accepts my business proposal. I have experienced sadness when I am listening to stories about friends struggling with cancer or personal loss.

Emotions are embedded in stories we tell others and ourselves. In a digital world overflowing with data, I observed that many managers struggle to see it is the stories (derived from the data) that can move the hearts of the audience. Data and facts cannot create an emotional connection. It is also the stories we tell ourselves that inspire faith and hope or create fear and anxiety within us.

Implication: Storytelling is a skill that managers cannot afford to neglect, especially in the digital world. Telling stories is now akin to communicating purpose and vision. Telling powerful stories create the emotional connection needed for people to be stirred into action. It is true not only for others but ourselves.

2. Moods and emotions are highly predictive of future actions

From a young age, children learnt how to analyze the moods of their parents before they make a request. Intuitively, they are aware that they have a much better chance to get their desired outcomes when their parents are in a good mood.

Philosopher, Humberto Maturana, provides a definition that I personally found to be extremely helpful: emotions and moods are predispositions for action. He observed that according to the mood and emotions we are in, some actions are possible while others are not. For example, if you are in a mood of distrust, the possibilities of coordinating action with another team member are reduced compared to if you are in a mood of gratitude.

Implication: When managers can read the moods and emotions of their teams, they possess a set of data that are highly predictive of the team’s level of engagement, collaboration and trust level. All of these are highly predictive of the team’s performance. Therefore the ability to read and sense the moods and emotions (aka emotional intelligence) can be an important area of leadership development.

3. Creating a shift in the mood brings about new results

If we happen to be in a good mood, the future will look bright and vice versa. Regardless whether the meetings are for brainstorming, coordinating actions or resolving conflicts, managers who can skillfully create a shift in the mood of a conversation to a more uplifting one has a far greater chance of achieving a productive outcome. The ability to create a shift in the emotional state helps a manager to bring about a new of results that are otherwise not possible based on the prevailing mood.

Implication: On top of reading the mood of the team (point 2), facilitating a shift in the mood of a team is an important skill that cannot be ignored. Managers who develop competency in this particular area will become more effective in leading their team.

4. Emotions and moods affect how we listen.

Depending on the moods and emotions we are in, our conversations can look very different because we speak and listen differently. Determining the prevailing mood of a conversation and assessing if the mood sets the required context to achieve the desired conversational outcome is a strategic leadership skill. This skill is particularly powerful for crucial conversations - business presentations, strategic planning, sales negotiations, performance management etc. These are examples of conversations in which managers want to be intentional to frame and prepare listeners to be open and curious to the agenda and the content of the meeting.

Implication: Managers need to pay close attention to the mood and emotions of the participants in crucial conversations. By noticing the emotions, managers get precious data to adapt their approaches for more effective outcomes.

Read: Listening Through Our Mood

5. Moods are often transparent

A mood can be defined as an emotional habit practiced by a person over a long period of time. It is observed that many people are not aware that they have a “mood”. Moods are often transparent (or invisible) to the individual. We often hear people saying “This is just the way I am and how I do things. Do not expect me to change.” When people do not see that they have a “mood”, they are not able to take responsibility for the mood they have created.

Implication: Managers can coach their team to be aware of the impact of emotions and mood on conversations. By helping others understand that it is the mood that affect our actions, managers can empower team members to take responsibility in how they show up in meetings.

6. Emotions and moods are highly contagious

When we are regularly interacting with people with negative moods, we could expect to soon be in a negative mood ourselves. Most teams usually have one or two individuals who sets the “mood” tone in meetings. These people are the mood-setters. The mood-setters can quickly influence and affect the mood of the entire team positively or negatively by what they say or do. This is because emotions and moods are highly contagious according to neuroscience.

Implication: Managers have to watch closely the moods and emotions of the “mood-setters” in the team. Given their influence, the team’s performance can be elevated or diminished because of how these mood-setters behave. Frequent check-ins especially before important meetings could be helpful. Managers can also be the mood-setter themselves. Managers should develop the habit of checking in with themselves, grow their level of self-awareness and practice self-management. By doing so, they can choose how they want to show up in the team meetings.

7. A team’s mood is representative of the team’s morale

When a team is filled with people who consistently displayed negative emotions, it is highly predictive that the morale on the team will quickly decline if there is no effective intervention. Most managers understand that morale is a crucial factor in overcoming obstacles, winning battles and adapting to organizational changes.

Lifting a team’s morale is more than having team building events or team lunches. Lifting a team’s morale in a sustainable manner is closely connected to deepening the level of trust and care for one another. And building trust and care is dependent on the team’s prevailing mood.

Implication: Recognizing the prevailing mood of a team brings forth an important set of data to a modern manager - understanding and measuring the team’s morale. Managers who believe in creating and sustaining a strong team morale must consider developing their emotional intelligence.

Ending Note: I hope the above 7 points capture succinctly the benefits of understanding the mood of a team and facilitating shifts in team moods. Growing in this area has given me many personal breakthroughs especially in relationships. I hope this short article inspires others to dive deeper in learning about emotions and moods.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.