“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”
This quote by author Charles Feltman resonates very deeply with me. Often when I read this statement, I feel that it’s asking me to pause and look beneath the surface. It sets me thinking - What do I risk when I trust another?
I have experienced betrayal by friends. I have been cheated of my money. There are certain deep emotional hurts or baggages we carry after experiencing broken trust.
Each of us have our stories.
Increasingly, I am discovering that trust isn’t about giving someone else my wallet, house keys, the password to my mobile or my secrets. It’s about what I am putting on the line. What I am willing to face—if things go sideways. What are the baggages and deep hurts that will resurface once again?
So, what do we risk when we trust?
The purpose of this article is to explore this question. What are these real, visceral, human aspects or sacred spaces that we expose every time we let someone in?
In my exploration, I found eight different areas of loss after trust is broken. I termed these losses as “senses”. Each of these senses has a short story to illustrate the distinctions. The names are made up but the stories are real.
1. Sense of Worth – “Am I enough?”
When we trust someone with our truth, our needs, or even just our bad jokes—we’re quietly asking, “Will you see me as worthy?”
If this area is lost through broken trust, it doesn’t just sting. It cuts really deep. It can whisper lies like “maybe I don’t matter after all.”
The loss often associated with this sense of worth is our Voice. Have you met people who seemingly don’t have a voice or feel that what they expressed just doesn’t matter? Often, these people might not even speak up when they are asked, choosing to forgo that opportunity to speak their thoughts, ideas and opinions. They preferred to stay in the background and chose to be invisible.
Amara sat quietly in the team meeting. She has always been a hardworking individual and has been in the company for over 15 years. But few know what is on her mind. She just doesn’t speak up. When she does, it’s mostly along the lines of “I’m fine with this; I’ve no issues”.
Unknown to her colleagues, many years ago, Amara finally opened up to her manager about feeling overlooked for months. She spoke vulnerably, carefully. Her manager smiled and nodded. Subsequently he made a joke about her being “too sensitive” during the next team meeting. She felt so diminished that she vowed within her that she would not share her inner thoughts again at work. It was too painful to relive that memory.
2. Sense of Safety – “Can I breathe around you?”
This isn’t just about physical security. It’s the psychological safety to say the hard things, show the messy bits, and not flinch in fear. When this safety is compromised? Anxiety walks in and builds a fort.
When we lose our sense of safety after trust is broken, life feels like stepping on eggshells when we interact with others.
Vinny confided in his colleague about something that happened to him in childhood. A few weeks later, during an argument, she threw it back at him. Vinny didn’t just feel betrayed—he felt emotionally unsafe. Walls went up. The space where he once felt he could breathe? Gone. The safety has been violated.
3. Sense of Self – “Do I still recognize me?”
We trust others not just with our presence, but with our essence—the convictions, values, and beliefs we hold close to our heart.
Betrayal doesn’t just hurt—it can shake our inner compass, leaving us asking, “Was I wrong to believe in this… or them?”
When we feel betrayed by people we deeply trust, by those who encapsulate our beliefs and values, our sense of self is destablised. The loss of trust creates recurring self-doubt and often leave us on a downward spiral. The loss often accompanied with this sense of self is our Confidence.
Ella has always believed honesty was her compass. So when she blew the whistle on some unethical practices at work, she thought she was doing the right thing. Instead, she was quietly sidelined in projects and meetings. Ella began to question the values that anchored her. “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet…” she thought.
She didn’t just lose trust in others. She started having self-doubt. When our confidence lowers, our personal agency is also lost.
4. Sense of Hope – “Is it still worth believing?”
Hope is the quiet music playing in the background when we take risks. Hope creates this silent expectation that maybe, just maybe, this might eventually work out.
But when trust crumbles? That music cuts. And silence rushes in.
Chris was so hurt by the system that he gave more than 15 years of his life to. He was asked to go. No reasons were given. Just a cold email sent to him. Since then, he lost trust in all kinds of community that represented an institution. He became extremely cynical. His sense of hope had diminished in proportion to the huge loss he has experienced. He could not hold down any job. Wherever he went, he would quickly disengage and distance himself from others. He stopped believing that positive change can take place in any system that is represented by an institution.
5. Sense of Belonging – “Am I still part of something?”
We all want to feel like we fit. Like we have a seat at the table. Trust opens the door to community, intimacy, and shared humanity.
When this trust is violated, the room can suddenly feel cold and we no longer enjoy sitting in the chair that we once enjoyed sitting in.
Kenny finally came out to his closest friends. He believed they were supportive until he overheard one of them mocking him at a party.
In that moment, Kenny didn’t just feel hurt. He felt alone. The group where he thought he belonged had quietly closed its door behind him. The loss so damaged him that he will end up sabotaging himself (unconsciously) whenever he got close to another community. He will end up leaving any group that he felt close to. He just could not bear to relive the pain. Superficial friendship became the norm.
6. Sense of Integrity – “Did I betray myself?”
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t that someone let you down… it’s that you ignored your gut.
Trusting someone when something inside you said “wait” can leave you wrestling not just with disappointment—but with yourself.
Shane could not forgive himself after falling prey to a scam. There was an instinct that something felt off. But the investment was paying off very well and this group of people felt trustworthy. He chose to rationalise and believe the discomfort he experienced was a result of overthinking. His financial loss impacted his own sense of integrity. He always believed that he was grounded in his own values. How could he be blinded by the lure of quick success?
7. Sense of Wholeness – “Can I be all of me here?”
This particular one’s feels tender. Trust allows us to show up fully—unfiltered, unarmored, unapologetically us. Many want to live out the best version of themselves - the FULL version.
When trust is lost after we are met with ridicule or are rejected, we start armoring. We start compartmentalising. We go from whole… to parts.
“Leave your emotions at the door!” Jessy felt she was picked on. She felt shame. She felt all the eyes were on her during that moment. It was then she decided that to survive at work is to compartmentalise. She will show up with the parts that her boss and colleagues want to see and that would be enough. She no longer feels safe to engage with her whole self at work.
8. Sense of Contribution – “Does what I give matter?”
We often want to feel like what we do matters. It can be an act of care. It can be our effort to maintain peace within the team. It can be the work behind the scenes or at the front of the room. When we offer ourselves, we are saying, “This is how I hope to make a difference in this world.”
If that contribution is dismissed, ignored, or used? It’s more than disappointing—it can gut our belief that what we do matter in this world.
Tariq worked tirelessly and poured months into a community project. Late nights, free hours, full heart. While he was not looking for rewards, he felt small and invisible when someone else got the credit for many parts of his work. His name was never mentioned. The energy, once fueled by purpose, drained out. “Why bother?” he thought. “Does what I give even matter?”
So why risk? Why trust? Why choose vulnerability?
In my opinion, the alternatives are worse.
Loneliness. Isolation. Numbness.
The experience of distrust is such a common human experience. At least, that is what I have been seeing as a professional coach.
Trust takes courage.
It’s the daily decision to say, “Even though I know this could hurt, I choose to open.”
Maybe trusting “again” is the most human thing to do.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™
