This article is a follow-up to the previous article - The Effects of Shame and Honor Culture. I have written this to spotlight the shame language and behaviors to help readers better relate with the emotional habit of shame.
So how does shame show up in the workplace?
The easiest way to spot might be through our language. In the mood (emotional habit) of shame, one might use words to shame others (especially in anger and frustration). The language of shame often has the effect of assaulting another person’s character and diminishing another person’s self-worth. This way of speaking (shaming others) is usually quite invisible to the speaker. When I realized I was using such language at work and home, it was a big ah-ha moment. The tonality plays a part too. In the mood of shame, our tones tend to be aggressive or passive-aggressive.
Here are some examples of shame language:
"Why can't you just get this right?"
This phrase implies that the other person is failing at something simple, potentially creating feelings of inadequacy in that person.
"This should have been easy for you, right?”
This phrase suggests that a task should be easy and implies one should be ashamed when there is a struggle.
“Are you stupid or what?”
This phrase attacks the person who made the mistake and implies that the person is of lesser value.
"You always seem to mess this up."
Using "always" can make a person feel like they are perpetually failing, leading to a sense of worthlessness.
"Even [Name] can do this, why can't you?"
We often hear this used in parenting. This phrase also shows up in the workplace as well. Comparing someone’s performance to another can create feelings of inferiority and shame.
"You're not cut out for this."
Such phrases (especially when used by managers) directly question a person's capabilities, potentially leading to deep feelings of shame. Rather than adopting a growth mindset and working on developing a person’s skills, we choose judgment and write someone off.
"Which part of these simple instructions do you not understand?
This phrase can make someone feel like they are a burden or incapable of understanding, triggering shame.
"Why are you so emotional?”
This question can easily invalidate feelings and make others feel weak or ashamed of their emotional responses. In the workplace, it is often used to label and shame women.
As you read these examples of the shame language, I invite you to pause and notice your responses.
Besides the use of language, there are behaviors closely connected to shame. Here are five categories to help us relate to shame behaviors.
Self-Confidence
In a mood of shame, one might avoid feedback for fear of judgment. Self-confidence might be very low. There is a reluctance to share ideas and thoughts in meetings for fear of being judged, ridiculed, or rejected. On the opposite spectrum, a person swimming in shame shows up as super confident and knowledgeable, as an expert in a particular field. The deeper fear, experienced by such a person in shame, is to be seen as inadequate. A person swimming in shame often struggles with imposter syndrome because of the deep fear of inadequacy.
Performance Standards
In a mood of shame, one can be extremely risk averse, avoiding new opportunities, promotions, or challenges. The whole idea is to play safe when delivering work performance. There is a deep-seated fear of failure and the feelings of shame that might follow. One might also be constantly procrastinating because of the fear of making mistakes. On the opposite spectrum, one might strive for extremely high standards to avoid any possibility of criticism. There is an unquenchable drive towards perfectionism. The feeling of inadequacy pushes one to feel there is a need to prove to others that "I'm good enough".
Social Interactions
In a mood of shame, one might avoid social interactions for fear of being judged. The fear is showing up as socially awkward and inauthentic. The internal thoughts of “Am I cool enough? Am I smart enough? Can I fit into this group? Will the people like and accept me for who I am?” often create a lot of anxiety and worry. On the opposite spectrum, one swimming in shame might be Mr or Ms “Popular”. Life looks like a popularity contest. Such a person might be involved in excessive people-pleasing. There is a constant need for approval by others, driven by a desire to be liked and accepted. There is a strong view that self-worth is closely tied to external validation.
Responsibilities
In a mood of shame, there is a deep fear of saying "yes" because of the feeling that "I am not good enough." There is a desire to stay invisible to others and not take up responsibilities. This deep fear of being judged also silences one’s voice. Such a person ends up resisting by being passive-aggressive. There is a view that it is not good to express one’s true feelings directly for fear of being hurt. On the polar opposite spectrum, one might overcompensate the fear of being judged and say "yes" to every request, even at the expense of one’s well-being. There is a drive to keep taking on responsibilities to prove one’s worth and avoid feelings of inadequacy. There is a refusal to say no due to a fear of disappointing others. This often leads to burnout and resentment.
Dealing with Criticisms
In a mood of shame, one might be extremely self-critical and engage regularly in negative self-talk. There is an over-focus on one’s weaknesses. The negative self-talk often reinforces the lack of self-esteem and becomes a vicious cycle. There is a deep belief that “I am unworthy and lousy.” One might say “sorry” repeatedly to others to the point of habit. It is a way of preemptively defending against potential criticism. On the opposite spectrum, one over-inflates the ego to survive the constant feeling of inadequacy. The focus is on retaining the big ego to protect the fragile inner self. One might practice shifting blame onto others as a protective mechanism to avoid being judged for making mistakes. It’s never “my mistake”. Mistakes happen because of the failures of others. Such a person with a huge ego might also be prone to taking criticism very personally. This leads to emotional outbursts, often disproportionate to what is being said. There is hyper-sensitivity to others’ opinions and a constant worry about what others might think.
In summary, shame shows up subtly as much of the language and behaviors are already “accepted” as a norm in a society steeped in the culture of shame and honor. Many such so-called language and behaviors are common in the workplace and at home. Under pressure and in challenging situations, deep inadequacies show up in parents and leaders. The behaviors pass on from generation to generation.
As an observer and also a participant in the shame culture, my hope is for shame to loosen its hold. We need to play up the power of honor and dignity.
Written by Victor Seet
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.
