Stronger Together: Learnings from a Loneliness Dialogue

“Do I belong? Or am I fitting in?”

There is a distinction between fitting in and feeling belonged. Fitting in is not belonging. When we attempt to fit in, we are changing ourselves in order to be accepted. We might not be seen as who we really are and that might possibly be a deeply lonely experience.

I was part of a facilitator group for a loneliness dialogue attended by a group of working professionals from diverse backgrounds. When I listened to what were being shared, the conversations were interesting but not unexpected. Some shared reasons on why people felt lonely in their organizations:

• Leadership requires making hard decisions. Lack of empathy by team members intensifies the loneliness felt by leaders

• Addiction to achieving outcomes often meant people get caught in busyness. They stop listening and relating to one another

• Lack of common space and trust to dialogue about conflicting beliefs that run deep within the organization.

The list goes on.

The bottom line from the loneliness dialogue? People want to feel accepted and belonged.

Why do people feel lonely?

Perhaps we have been overdoing “fitting in” to the neglect of creating a sense of belonging. This is my hypothesis.

For some, the habit and practice of fitting in started from a young age. Fitting in to what parents want, fitting in to school rules, fitting in to find friends - we change ourselves to survive. And habits can be hard to change. Despite the deep yearnings to discover who we really are, many grew up struggling to answer the question of “who am I truly?”

In my personal observation as a professional coach, identity building work continues to be a territory that is under explored by many individuals. Many people define themselves through work. It is common to state our work title or role when we are asked to introduce ourselves. It is also common to observe people burying themselves deep at work to the neglect of self care.

What are the implications of overdoing “fitting in”?

In the workplace, this habit of trying to fit in, to gain approval from the boss, colleagues and the system, can undermine culture building work. There is often an expectation that when we make adjustments to fit in, we should be accepted. There must be reciprocity. Fear and anxiety are often the emotions that accompany these expectations. Unfortunately, what we often experienced instead are rejections. The results of these rejections meant the emotions turn from fear and anxiety towards that of disappointment, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Picture the emotional states of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, fear, anxiety etc, driven by the mindset to survive - this is often the context surrounding conversations in teams and organizations. This emotional context is invisible but it is tangible.

What can you do to make a difference?

Every individual can intervene into a large system. Change usually start from the small things. Here might be some possible ideas you can act on.
- Notice and pay attention to the emotional context in workplace conversations.
- Notice how you are participating in your workplace conversations and the mood you are bringing.
- Notice if you are intentionally building a supportive community within your organization.

STRONGER TOGETHER AS A NATION

Creating a sense of belonging is in essence an identity issue. It is an issue individuals and businesses need to address. It is also an issue that Singapore as a nation seeks to address.

Singapore’s narrative is essentially one of survival. Geo-political tension, climate change, terrorism etc…there is a long list of global challenges that impact Singapore. For a country with little natural resources, we need to be efficient and productive to survive. We must often adapt quickly to the global context. Yet at the same time, we need to build our own identity as a nation. We need to preserve our unique heritage. We need to create a place that Singaporeans feel proud to belong.

This juggling act is a huge tension.

Here’s an example to illustrate the tension.
Wet markets in Singapore forms a unique space where local communities are formed and a sense of belonging is created within the precinct. Wet markets are however viewed as inefficient. Supermarkets or hyper marts are increasingly flooding the heartlands. These supermarkets increase the efficiency and productivity of grocery shopping. No one stops to connect and build relationships in these supermarkets. One represents a culture created out of the desire to belong and form communities. The other represents a culture created out of a need to survive the global threats.

As more and more wet markets cease to exist, how do we preserve such a space where local communities are often formed and a sense of belonging is created? Do we continue to demolish these wet markets and replace them with supermarkets of high efficiency and productivity?

How CAN we AS SINGAPOREANS CONTRIBUTE?

We have built a narrative over the years - the survival mindset of “kiasu (fear of losing) and kiasi (fear of dying)”. That has served us well and allowed us to transform from a third world to a first world nation. It is perhaps a good time we build a new narrative - “stronger together” and complement the old.

These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive. We need to survive by creating a stronger sense of belonging. We need to be more intentional to be more relational, more inclusive and build communities wherever we go. We need to be more intentional to promote neighbourliness. We need to be more accepting and tolerant given the increasingly more fragmented society. The future generations will be shaped by how we survive and be stronger together.

When our perspectives expand, it is not lofty to suggest that as Singaporeans, we are well resourced and capable of finding solutions. On this note, I personally felt that the leaders of our nation have done a tremendous job in keeping this balance. The journey ahead however continues to be filled with uncertainties and challenges.

Moving forward to 2023 and beyond, may we be a nation that can strengthen our identity, build a greater sense of belonging and survive the global upheavals together.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Emotional Intelligence with CliftonStrengths

As a believer in the strengths-based approach, I have been integrating emotional intelligence with strengths intelligence as I continue my practice into the ontological approach to coaching. It is something I have been experimenting with over the past few years. This article explores how I have been integrating these two areas of human intelligence. Specifically, this article presents how I have used the CliftonStrengths profiling to enhance emotional intelligence.

If you google emotional intelligence, you will come across four components - self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. This article explores these four specific components of emotional intelligence.

Self-Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-awareness is the ability to see how our emotional states affect our daily living, such as our decision-making or our communication with others. It is the ability to know ourselves and understand our feelings.

For example, when we are in an emotional state of anger, we are predisposed to retaliate in words or actions. When we are in an emotional state of curiosity, we are predisposed to ask questions and gain new knowledge and understanding.

CliftonStrengths assessment can help individuals understand the likely emotional habits they might have built over time (albeit subconsciously).

Here are some examples:
1. Individuals with high Responsibility might have developed emotional habits such as anxiety, worry, fear, etc. They are predisposed to feeling burdened because of the responsibilities they carry. In Singapore, some with the Responsibility theme might be called a “kancheong spider” (a term to describe individuals often flustered while dealing with anxiety).

2. Using a combination of two CliftonStrengths themes: Individuals with both the Activator and Achiever primarily focus on getting things started and finishing tasks. They might be predisposed to developing the emotional habit of ambition and perhaps less likely to experience the emotional state of calmness or peace.

3. People with the Maximizer or Restorative are often viewed as “perfectionists”. They are less likely to declare satisfaction with the tasks they have completed. Things are often “not good enough”. They are less likely as well to experience peace.

Our emotional habits are often formed from our instincts to think, feel and behave.

As a coach, I feel that gaining this insight empowers individuals to have the choice of building new emotional habits to expand their human capacity and deepen their level of maturity. This knowledge helps individuals to build deeper self-awareness through the perspective of emotional habits. This knowledge also provides a more comprehensive understanding of themselves.

Self-Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-management is the ability to regulate our emotions in different situations and not let our emotions get the better of us. It is emotional regulation and self-control.

With the CliftonStrengths tool, knowing the basement (infancy) and balcony (mature) state of the CliftonStrengths themes empowers individuals to regulate their behaviors and actions. With knowledge of our basement and balcony state, we can more deliberately match our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the different situations and contexts for effectiveness. The ability to regulate our behaviors helps us to be more emotionally intelligent.

E.g The basement state of the Harmony theme includes sweeping things under the carpet or keeping silent in the face of questionable behaviors, usually for fear of conflicts. When an individual intentionally regulates his behavior and grows towards a more mature or balcony state of Harmony, it is a hallmark of being emotionally intelligent.

Conversely, not developing the Harmony theme toward maturity might cause long-term negative consequences. As a coach, I often observe resentment surfacing when individuals remain in the basement state of Harmony. This emotional state of resentment often produces more harm for individuals and hinders their ability to do effective self-management.

An article on moods

Social Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, social awareness is the ability to identify the emotions of others and use that knowledge to demonstrate empathy, connect with others and be inclusive. It is about how we relate with others, especially with people who are very different. While some view diversity as a fact of life, the idea of “common sense” shows that people expect uniformity in behaviors.

CliftonStrengths helps in two ways.

Firstly, it provides data statistically to show the odds of two persons having the same five themes in the same order is 1 in 33 million. This data has often helped those who are data-driven to embrace the diversity of those they work with.

Secondly, the CliftonStrengths profiles and write-ups provide a language in how people with certain themes think, feel and behave differently. This means that individuals and leaders can now use the strengths language intentionally to relate and interact with others.

For example, a person with the Relator theme often prefers deep conversation in a one-to-one setting. When a leader intentionally sets up regular catch-ups with the Relator, with either party able to propose their agendas for discussions, trust builds up. The CliftonStrengths tool allows leaders to increase their emotional intelligence by customizing approaches that meet the needs of different individuals.

Relationship Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, relationship management is the ability to collaborate, build trust and manage interpersonal conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths tool helps individuals to identify their strengths and blindspots. When individuals do their inner work and uncover these blindspots, they can make more appropriate and productive social decisions in different situations.

For example, individuals with the Deliberative theme see that their unique lens is often that of risk assessment. They will take time to consider the different risks before they act. Making appropriate and productive decisions could include making timely requests to others. In working with others, they might make known their decision-making process and request adequate time and space to make a decision. This process allows them to be better collaborators. It is also a mark of demonstrating high emotional intelligence.

The CliftonStrengths tool also helps individuals manage conflicts by identifying how others think, feel, and need. For example, a frustrated Analytical person might have these thoughts. “Where is the proof? What reliable data do we have? To resolve the potential conflict, we have to understand an Analytical person needs to have different data points that can withstand scrutiny. Meeting the needs of those we work with will help us manage conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths profiles also reveal, through the different themes, how individuals need to tap into specific strengths that enhance emotional intelligence for a particular situation and downplay those that hinder emotional intelligence. When individuals do that intentionally, they can make more situationally appropriate social decisions and moves.

For example, when an individual with both Achiever and Learner questions why a colleague has not completed a given task, the Achiever is usually more judgmental while the Learner is more curious. Tuning up the Learner theme and tuning down the Achiever will probably help this individual make a more appropriate social response.

Ending note: As an ontological practitioner, I embrace the idea that humans perform better when they see their strengths and emotional habits as integrated. I am happy to report that coaching clients have given me feedback that this integrated approach has empowered them to gain clarity of their inner life and has given greater ownership towards transforming their lives.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

A Manager's Guide to Understanding Emotions and Conversations

As a male who grew up in Singapore, I bought into a cultural narrative that “guys don’t do emotions”. Most of the male authority in my life hardly expressed their emotions. I was repeatedly taught that emotions can make you commit to decisions that you will regret. I grew up hearing things like “men do not cry; don’t waste time dwelling on your emotions”. The topic of emotions was one I had difficulty grasping. In fact, my entire body reacts when another person starts to tear in front of me. As I was growing up, I was determined to be strong in my mental strength and to control my emotions (mostly by suppressing).

It is now 2022 as I am writing this article. I have since realized that emotions have a profound effect on what I can and cannot achieve in areas of relationships, leadership, work, spirituality etc. If I want to be an effective leader, it is no longer enough to thrive in the “rational zone”. I need to do deeper self-work to understand, experience and learn emotions. This will ultimately increase my effectiveness to create psychological safety, mentor and coach others, listen well, to name a few important leadership competencies.

As I continue to pursue breakthroughs in the domain of emotions, I am hoping to help other leaders (especially male leaders) do the same. This article is written to explore the impact of moods and emotions on conversations. The below points are a combination of my learnings as an ontological coach, a leader, a parent and a father.

Impact of Moods and Emotions on Conversations

1. Language and actions affect emotions.

Our mood and emotion changes when we received good or bad news. I have experienced joy and satisfaction when a client accepts my business proposal. I have experienced sadness when I am listening to stories about friends struggling with cancer or personal loss.

Emotions are embedded in stories we tell others and ourselves. In a digital world overflowing with data, I observed that many managers struggle to see it is the stories (derived from the data) that can move the hearts of the audience. Data and facts cannot create an emotional connection. It is also the stories we tell ourselves that inspire faith and hope or create fear and anxiety within us.

Implication: Storytelling is a skill that managers cannot afford to neglect, especially in the digital world. Telling stories is now akin to communicating purpose and vision. Telling powerful stories create the emotional connection needed for people to be stirred into action. It is true not only for others but ourselves.

2. Moods and emotions are highly predictive of future actions

From a young age, children learnt how to analyze the moods of their parents before they make a request. Intuitively, they are aware that they have a much better chance to get their desired outcomes when their parents are in a good mood.

Philosopher, Humberto Maturana, provides a definition that I personally found to be extremely helpful: emotions and moods are predispositions for action. He observed that according to the mood and emotions we are in, some actions are possible while others are not. For example, if you are in a mood of distrust, the possibilities of coordinating action with another team member are reduced compared to if you are in a mood of gratitude.

Implication: When managers can read the moods and emotions of their teams, they possess a set of data that are highly predictive of the team’s level of engagement, collaboration and trust level. All of these are highly predictive of the team’s performance. Therefore the ability to read and sense the moods and emotions (aka emotional intelligence) can be an important area of leadership development.

3. Creating a shift in the mood brings about new results

If we happen to be in a good mood, the future will look bright and vice versa. Regardless whether the meetings are for brainstorming, coordinating actions or resolving conflicts, managers who can skillfully create a shift in the mood of a conversation to a more uplifting one has a far greater chance of achieving a productive outcome. The ability to create a shift in the emotional state helps a manager to bring about a new of results that are otherwise not possible based on the prevailing mood.

Implication: On top of reading the mood of the team (point 2), facilitating a shift in the mood of a team is an important skill that cannot be ignored. Managers who develop competency in this particular area will become more effective in leading their team.

4. Emotions and moods affect how we listen.

Depending on the moods and emotions we are in, our conversations can look very different because we speak and listen differently. Determining the prevailing mood of a conversation and assessing if the mood sets the required context to achieve the desired conversational outcome is a strategic leadership skill. This skill is particularly powerful for crucial conversations - business presentations, strategic planning, sales negotiations, performance management etc. These are examples of conversations in which managers want to be intentional to frame and prepare listeners to be open and curious to the agenda and the content of the meeting.

Implication: Managers need to pay close attention to the mood and emotions of the participants in crucial conversations. By noticing the emotions, managers get precious data to adapt their approaches for more effective outcomes.

Read: Listening Through Our Mood

5. Moods are often transparent

A mood can be defined as an emotional habit practiced by a person over a long period of time. It is observed that many people are not aware that they have a “mood”. Moods are often transparent (or invisible) to the individual. We often hear people saying “This is just the way I am and how I do things. Do not expect me to change.” When people do not see that they have a “mood”, they are not able to take responsibility for the mood they have created.

Implication: Managers can coach their team to be aware of the impact of emotions and mood on conversations. By helping others understand that it is the mood that affect our actions, managers can empower team members to take responsibility in how they show up in meetings.

6. Emotions and moods are highly contagious

When we are regularly interacting with people with negative moods, we could expect to soon be in a negative mood ourselves. Most teams usually have one or two individuals who sets the “mood” tone in meetings. These people are the mood-setters. The mood-setters can quickly influence and affect the mood of the entire team positively or negatively by what they say or do. This is because emotions and moods are highly contagious according to neuroscience.

Implication: Managers have to watch closely the moods and emotions of the “mood-setters” in the team. Given their influence, the team’s performance can be elevated or diminished because of how these mood-setters behave. Frequent check-ins especially before important meetings could be helpful. Managers can also be the mood-setter themselves. Managers should develop the habit of checking in with themselves, grow their level of self-awareness and practice self-management. By doing so, they can choose how they want to show up in the team meetings.

7. A team’s mood is representative of the team’s morale

When a team is filled with people who consistently displayed negative emotions, it is highly predictive that the morale on the team will quickly decline if there is no effective intervention. Most managers understand that morale is a crucial factor in overcoming obstacles, winning battles and adapting to organizational changes.

Lifting a team’s morale is more than having team building events or team lunches. Lifting a team’s morale in a sustainable manner is closely connected to deepening the level of trust and care for one another. And building trust and care is dependent on the team’s prevailing mood.

Implication: Recognizing the prevailing mood of a team brings forth an important set of data to a modern manager - understanding and measuring the team’s morale. Managers who believe in creating and sustaining a strong team morale must consider developing their emotional intelligence.

Ending Note: I hope the above 7 points capture succinctly the benefits of understanding the mood of a team and facilitating shifts in team moods. Growing in this area has given me many personal breakthroughs especially in relationships. I hope this short article inspires others to dive deeper in learning about emotions and moods.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Coaching - the Competency Needed to Develop Future Leaders

With the aging workforce, leadership renewal has been a greatly discussed topic for many organizations. As the workforce is slowly populated with Generation Z workers, it is imperative for organizations seeking renewal, to be more prepared by anticipating what the younger generations are seeking.

It is observed that coaching, as a leadership competency, seems well-suited to develop young talent to take on leadership roles. The process of coaching invites self-reflection and self-assessment, which helps individuals grow in personal wisdom and performance for sustained personal effectiveness. Through coaching, the individual is able to apply their self-discovered solutions, and ideas to different situations and contexts they encounter. For this purpose of developing future talent, present leaders should consider the need to develop coaching skills for themselves.

Why Coaching is key to develop Future Leaders?

1. Empowerment is prized over Instruction

The newest member of the workforce, Generation Z, grew up having access to an infinite amount of information. This generation is more used to turning to Google and other social media platforms for answers rather than their managers, teachers or parents. They prefer self-directed learning. They will fact-check against what their parents, teachers and managers have told them. In fact, they might be used to challenging what people in authority says. On top of that, the digital world has also created platforms like YouTube and Tik Tok that allow multitude of voices to be heard. Therefore, the need is learning how to better process and make sense of the immense amount of information that the digital world provides. Growing up with these lenses mean that the new generation of workers preferred not to be told what to do. What this then means is that, this new generation seeks empowerment over instruction.

By using coaching skills in the right situations, leaders can be effective in helping young talent find their own voices. Putting on a coaching hat releases the burden of leaders needing to know all the answers and telling employees what to do. Instead, coaching helps leaders connect with people, partner with them to co-create solutions, and support them to grow. Ultimately, coaching empowers employees to take ownership by challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own.

2. Wisdom is prized over Knowledge

The conventional way of educating is based on the idea that information is highly inaccessible. The professors and experts are highly respected and revered. In today’s digital world, the new generation of workers are recognizing that more information may not necessarily mean greater wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are distinct. The new generation sees wisdom as the ability to process information and generate insights. They prized wisdom above being knowledgeable. After all, gaining knowledge is now perceived to just involved googling.

Coaching, on the hand, can distinctly meet the needs of the new generation. The conventional downloading approach thrives on the concept of putting information and knowledge into people; coaching thrives on the idea of drawing out wisdom. The downloading approach sees people as empty containers that need to be filled (an example – giving advice); coaching sees people like a search engine, a good input can draw out and unlock its potential.

To attract and engage talents, it’s imperative that leaders are able to help the young develop wisdom. Considerably coaching is a skill that leaders use to achieve this outcome. They do that by asking the good questions.

3. Listening is prized over Speaking

It is not unreasonable to assess that more people are looking for leaders who can make them feel that they are heard. There are enough data that shows people are wishing that their leaders show more empathy. And listening is a key component to demonstrate empathy. Previously, many might be wishing that their leaders are like Ted speakers who can present data and tell stories in a compelling way. Effective communication is associated with the ability to speak well. We might have undervalued the importance of listening in leadership. Today, in the midst of so much noise, there is a significant shift. The younger generation is wanting less of information and advice-giving. The younger generation is looking for leaders who are willing to listen and empower. In listening, trust is generated and relationships are deepened. Coaching fulfills both the needs of listening and empowering.

As leaders, parents, educators, coaching skills will greatly increase our ability to build and deepen relationships with those we care for.

Invest into the future

Increasingly, more and more organizations are recognizing the need for coaching as a key leadership competency to develop future leaders. It is also undeniable that coaching is perhaps more sustainable and effective in the context of generating trust, enhancing team collaboration, increasing productivity and engaging young talents.

If you are an organization leader reading this, how are you preparing and nurturing your next generation of leaders?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

*This article was first written and published for Capelle Consulting.

Interpreting Emotions Using the Chinese Language

This article is inspired by Brene Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart”. I enjoyed learning about emotions from her new book and was inspired to contribute to this body of work. As an ontological coach, the area of emotions is a domain that I actively engage in during coaching. Many interventions are also co-designed by aligning client’s emotional habits and moods to their intended outcomes.

This article attempts to help readers understand how the Chinese language describes certain emotions and what we can learn from the Chinese language vocabulary. In this article, I will specifically touch on three emotions - anger, happiness and fear.

ANGER

Borrowing the definition from Atlas of the Heart, anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.

There are various ways to express anger in Chinese. Below are two examples.

生气 (Sheng Qi) - These two characters combined means “angry” in Chinese.

生 means birth or growth
气 means air or energy.

These two Chinese characters basically means “the birth or growth of energy within one’s body”. This is interesting because anger does produce lots of energy within one’s body. The energy produced can be channeled productively. It is not uncommon to see many productive workers at times manifesting anger in a way that create challenges and conflict in the workplace. The same energy that often create drive and productivity is also the same energy that fuels anger.

The way to manage anger is to practice being attuned to the growing energy within us. Somatically, when a person is standing especially in a posture ready to take action (a body ready to move forward), it is this body disposition that drives productivity as well as fuels anger. If we want to diffuse anger, a possible intervention includes bringing our body downwards / backwards by sitting down or leaning back, kneeling, squatting etc to counter the birth or growth of the energy. This intervention can be applied during a conflict to diffuse your own anger.

怒 (Nu) - This character means “anger or rage” in Chinese. If we break down the writing of this character into two parts, we can see that on the top is the character 奴, which means “slave”. The bottom is the character 心 which means “heart”. This character basically means “a heart’s response when justice is not served (like being enslaved)”.

This gives us the idea that one of the purpose for anger as an emotion, is to propel us towards fighting injustice. When anger is harnessed effectively, we are able to intervene when there is bullying, oppression etc. Rather than judge the anger as a negative emotion, I often find it more useful in my coaching practice to help a person explore how the energy could be channeled productively.
Questions I have used to help someone explore anger:

What do you feel within your body feel whenever you get angry?

Who usually bears the brunt when you channel your anger in a not so productive way? How can you channel your anger more productively?
What are some areas of injustice you observed happening (at work)? How do you use your anger to intervene and fight the injustice?

What are some actions, behaviors or words that usually trigger your anger? What do you notice about your anger patterns?

Happy

In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown writes that there’s really no consensus in the research when it comes to defining happiness. When I looked into the different ways happiness is expressed, I found many different ideas as well. Here are three examples.

开心 (Kai Xin) - These two characters combined means “happy” in Chinese.

开 means open (seen from the picture of a door about to be opened).
心 means a human heart.

The description of these two combined characters basically means “the opening of a person’s heart”.

My own interpretation from this is that the capacity to experience happiness is strongly tied to the ability of a person to open up his or her heart to be vulnerable. When a person’s heart is opened (as opposed to closed), love and experiences of pleasure can be more easily received.

As an ontological coach, a possible design intervention for a person who wants to experience more happiness includes this somatic practice:
the opening up of the shoulders, or stretching of the arms wide to expand the chest area (and therefore the physical heart). The idea is that when the body becomes more open (especially at the chest area), the mind follows the body to expand the ability to be open towards others. Happiness is possibly a byproduct or a fruit from this somatic practice.

高兴 (Gao Xing) - These two characters also means “happy”.

高 means high/tall as seen from the picture of the tower.
兴 is a picture of many hands holding up a dish together as a celebratory act

From these two characters, the emotion of happiness can be interpreted as an emotion experienced from heightened state of togetherness, inclusion and unity. Happiness can thus be practiced when one is purposefully engaged in activities that bring togetherness and activities that foster inclusion and a sense of belonging.

快乐 (Kuai Le) - This is the third pair of Chinese characters combined to mean “happy”.

快 - This word has two meanings. It can mean fast or speedy. It can also mean the airflow towards the heart is smooth and unblocked.
乐 - This character means rhythm or music as shown by the picture of a Chinese musical instrument.

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When these two characters are combined, they basically described things are smooth sailing like a piece of music played in perfect rhythm. As an ontological coach, I personally experienced happiness whenever I helped someone get “unstuck”. The feeling is similar to the description of the airflow being unblocked and the heart comes alive again. I personally found this discovery to be very fascinating.

Another way to read these characters is that they combined to mean “rapid / fast-paced” AND “rhythm/music”. Interestingly, music does affect our moods and celebratory music are often filled with fast rhythms.
It is worthy to note that we can practice changing the mood and emotion (of an environment or of a person) to a more light hearted one by the intentional use of music.

Fear

Fear can be defined as an emotion experienced when one assessed that something valuable could be potentially lost.

怕 (Pa) - From the picture, this character describes the heart as empty and there is a loss of something of great value, something very precious to a person’s heart. Other than fear, this particular character also means “worry” in the Chinese language context. From this character alone, it is quite interesting to observe that fear and worry often come as a pair.

As a coach, applying this knowledge allows me to help a person explore fear by examining what is of great value and precious to the person’s heart. Simply by asking a question such as “what is of great value to you that you fear losing?”, the conversation becomes a very rich one. I also discovered through my coaching sessions, a conversation about fear and worry often leads to a deeper examining of relationships and items that are of great value to a person. And this further leads on to whether a person’s life is aligned to his / her value system.

In summary: Having struggled with naming and understanding emotions, I have a firm belief that helping others name and understand their emotional life can bring significant breakthroughs. I hoped you have benefitted just as I have after researching about the Chinese language and human emotions. I have certainly expanded my own knowledge and abilities as an ontological coach.

Article: Working with Emotions in Coaching

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

**sources:
Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown;
www.chaziwang.com.

How do I do Meaningful and Purposeful Work?

Gallup reported that many want to have meaningful and purposeful work. Have you been pondering about meaning and purpose at work in this season of your life?

If you are, I will like to invite you to stop, reflect and consider these three key questions:

1. What does meaningful or purposeful work mean to you?

• Is it about finding work activities that motivate you?

• Is it about connecting personal values to the work you are tasked to do?

• Is it about connecting your work to a higher purpose (saving the earth, serving my country, living out my faith etc)?

• Is it about building meaningful relationships at work?

• Is it about doing work that meets the needs of the society and getting paid for it?

There are many variations of doing meaningful work and it is important that we know what meaningful and purposeful work mean to us.

2. How often do you do work on yourself?

Doing and Being are connected as closely as thinking and feeling. We can’t have one without the other. DOING meaningful work doesn’t happen without integrating with our BEING and Identity. Doing meaningful work (externally focused) is strongly tied to doing work on our Being (internally focused - examining our values, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, moods and emotions, strengths and weaknesses, blindspots etc). The two words “meaningful work” involve intentional and thoughtful work.

Behind our Being and Doing are a set of skills and habits that we acquired over the course of our lives. Examining these skills and habits regularly helps us to build stronger foundations and capacity to grow.
I will like to invite you to ponder the below questions.

• Do you think about your thinking and how to improve the quality of your thinking?

• Do you examine your habits and how they have enabled you to grow? Are you in need of building new habits to grow your capacity?

• Do you examine your emotional habits and notice your mood patterns? How do your emotional habits empower or disempower you in doing purposeful, productive work or deeper relationships?

• Do you actively get feedback and be curious about your strengths and areas that you can intentionally develop?

• Do you learn about the way you learn to actively adapt in a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world?

• Do you examine and test how your lifestyle and decisions are aligned with your value system?
  

3. How much do you invest in your own growth?

We spent money, time and energy in many areas - our family, physical health, financial health, romance, hobbies, career progression etc. How much do we invest in our own development and growth?

Think about this: Why do some people invest in themselves through

• coaching;

• therapy;

• personal development and training programs;

• spiritual retreats (just to name a few examples)?

Why do some people invest time, energy and money in developing themselves and some do not? Which category do you belong to and why? What do you think is the relationship between your own personal growth and all the other areas that you are investing resources in?

A Coaching Story:

In a particular coaching session which sparked this article, a client (let’s called him M) articulated that whenever he thinks about his career, he will unconsciously switched to a particular thinking pattern - that of considering risks, scenarios of possible failures and his level of competencies and skills.

I asked M: “how does this way of thinking serve or not serve you when you are pondering about your career?”

The response was interesting: “This way of thinking is prudent, down to earth and pragmatic and it helps me to be careful about my future choices. It also does not help me dream big.”

As M verbalized his thoughts, it dawned on him that this thinking pattern might not serve him in the area of dreaming about his future. He desired a new way of thinking to broaden his horizon of possibilities. He acknowledged that he needed to work on his thinking habits and build new ones to increase his capacity to dream.

I asked M: “what kind of thinking pattern or mindset have you used in the past to help you move ahead despite uncertainties?”

M: (Pause)….I can learn as I go along…and I have done this many times in the past. That has helped me overcome my fears in uncertainties. Perhaps I can explore my career by looking back at the different skill sets I have picked up successfully and what new skills I need to pick up. I don’t have to be restricted by the current set of skills I have when I explore a career path.

Ending note: I love how M shifted his perspective and the smile he had on his face as he discovered a new possibility in his thinking. Doing meaningful and purposeful work involves intentional and thoughtful work. Doing self-work is often the starting point in the whole process. When we get do work on our BEING, what we need to DO becomes much clearer.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

One of the key benefits of the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) tool is that of building better quality relationships. Using CliftonStrengths, each individual identifies his or her dominant talent themes. With that knowledge, individuals can understand their natural recurring patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour.

Conflicts between people usually arise when people impose their natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on others. Most of the time, this occurs without an individual’s awareness. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths tool to help couples build greater understanding of each other's lenses and to facilitate conversations that will improve the quality of relationships. A marriage relationship is very intense. The trust and quality of relationship takes a lot of time to strengthen. In Singapore, When I run strengths workshop for couples, seeing how the faces of the couples light up has been immensely rewarding! 

The passion to conduct these relationship workshops arose out of the transformation of my own marriage. Michelle and I have been married for over 18 years. In these years, there certainly have been challenges. My dominant themes are Activator, Communication, Strategic, Self-Assurance and Command. Michelle’s dominant themes are Responsibility, Achiever, Maximizer, Ideation and Relator. We have very contrasting themes and often our natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving created conflicts. 

How do we use this tool in a practical way to grow our marriage?

Using the CliftonStrengths tool, we first try to have conversations that seek to understand each other’s dominant themes. Understanding each other's tendency to think, feel and behave helped us acquire a heightened level of patience. There were many paradigm shifts that took place in this process. Here, I list 5 examples:

1. GETTING THINGS DONE:

There is usually a to-do list stuck on the fridge. Unsurprisingly, these lists were generated by Michelle. These to-do lists are not just for herself - there is also a list for me! Upon understanding her Achiever talent theme, I realized that when a task is completed for her, there is a huge level of satisfaction for her. Because of this new understanding, I engage my Activator theme, which is the ability to take action quickly, to finish the tasks that are required. I used to procrastinate and Michelle gets upset and frustrated. The new motivation to get these tasks done stems from the desire to love and serve her.

2. UNDERSTANDING OWNERSHIP

"Apologies are not enough. Rationalizations and excuses are not acceptable”. These words came out of the description of the Gallup CliftonStrengths Responsibility theme. For me, this was a great revelation! What was a minor mistake or an careless act often escalated into a huge conflict. Discussing this theme allowed us to make adjustments on both ends. She agreed to be more gracious towards my slip ups. She also chooses to now take note and be more affirming of the many tasks I have completed. What used to be a “this is expected of you!” has now changed to a “thank you for doing these”. I also took note of the fact that her psychological ownership is higher than an average person and I’m now more careful to avoid making empty promises to her.

READ: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS

3. DECISION MAKING 

My Activator theme often clashed with her Responsibility theme. My Activator says “Taking action is better than no action at all” while her Responsibility and Deliberative says “Doing nothing is better than doing something wrong”. These contrasting thoughts often brought conflicts during decision making especially in areas where much uncertainties lie. Discussions in this area have helped us to understand each other better. We decided not to change one another but to find areas of common ground. We agreed on some specific areas of decisions where I will submit to her suggestions and vice versa. These handles have hugely reduced our conflicts.

4. PROVIDING OPTIONS

Michelle now understands that my Strategic theme enjoys having options. Killing off options at the start of any discussions is a big no-no for me. Giving me options to choose from was a powerful way of communicating with me. From deciding what to do on a weekend to deciding what to have for meals, giving me different alternatives makes me feel valued.

5. SERVING TOGETHER

As a Relator and with the Achiever and Responsibility theme, Michelle enjoys being involved and doing things together with me. I learnt to make her feel more valued by finding opportunities for us to work together. One of the things we intentionally do is to mentor other younger couples. We also serve together in a Singapore local church in by co-facilitating a small group. I also try to involve her in my work by tapping on her Ideation for fresh and innovative ways.

While I can list down more transforming paradigms that strengthen our marriage and the new ways we found in engaging each other, I’m very mindful that this marriage relationship is still work in progress. We cannot grow complacent. Open communication to build trust and mutual respect continues to be fundamental for us. We are thankful that we discovered a tool and now possess a weapon that helps to strengthen our bond as husband and wife. We continue to use the CliftonStrengths as a conversation tool to help us understand each other and resolve conflicts.

How is the relationship with your spouse or partner? Consider using the CliftonStrengths tool as a means to improve and strengthen your relationships.

READ: WHY COMPLIMENTARY PARTNERSHIPS DO NOT ALWAYS WORK

Contact me if you are interested to have some couple coaching sessions.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Listening Through Our Five Senses

I want to boldly suggest that the digital world has created a shift in the kind of leaders and communicators we need. In this digital world, we are having information overload. There are no lack of great speakers presenting information to us. We have easy access to Ted and videos of great speakers through YouTube. We have easy access to insightful podcasts on Spotify and Podbean. We receive so much information each day from others and that potentially creates a big vacuum - where will we have our voices heard? It is my opinion that as a society, we now desire to have great listeners much more than great speakers because of the need for our voice to feel heard. I anticipate that society as a whole will value a new way of being - a Listener. I wrote about this briefly in an earlier article on dealing with mental health.

This article is written on the premise of growing as a listener. As an ontological coach, I am learning that “we hear with our ears and we listen with our body”. This concept has a profound impact in the way I understand listening. I realized how powerful our five senses (vision, smell, hearing, taste, touch) can help us engage in deeper listening.

Let me provide some examples and practical strategies.

Smell:

When we smell something, our emotional state shift. That impacts our listening. For example, when we smell something foul, we could experience the emotion of disgust or frustration or resentment. When we smell something nice, we could experience the emotion of calmness or curiosity or joy or even playfulness. Many people have turned to aromatherapy and used diffusers to enhance the environments they are in to brighten their emotions and moods. For someone like myself who often engage in conversations in the car, I make sure the interior of my car smells nice by using car scents. The nice smell impacts my emotional state and makes me a better listener.
Given that more and more people are working from home, setting up an environment that smells great can make us better listeners to our stakeholders as well while we are on virtual meetings. Such a strategy to improve effective communication, while seemingly intangible, is worth considering. We cannot control how others speak. We can however enhance our environment to be better listeners.

Vision (Sight)

Listening is powerfully affected by what we see. When we get distracted by what we see, we find it hard to listen. On the flip side, the ability to observe ourselves on virtual platforms like Zoom or MS Teams has provided us with an opportunity to improve our listening. With virtual platforms, we are now able to see ourselves in a mirror-like manner and notice exactly what the other person is seeing. And that is powerful for growing our self awareness. Observing how our expressions change during conversations, noticing our default sitting postures etc, can be very insightful if we want to grow as listeners. Have you notice how you are sitting and presenting yourself on Zoom? How do your audience perceive your attitude, your enthusiasm, your readiness to engage through your body language? The ability to observe ourselves during conversations can be a great game changer.

Hearing (Sound)

We hear what people speak and the tone of voice they use. My assessment is that while many of us might be aware of the language and words we are using in a conversation, the same cannot be said about our tonality. Listening to tonality is a much needed practice if we are to grow in our listening. Our tone of voice are usually invisible to us but visible to other parties. In the past, I received feedback based on my tone but brushed the feedback away by rationalizing “this is just how I am. This is just how I speak!” I have since pay more attention to my tone and volume when I’m speaking. I respectfully encourage us to practice noticing our own tone of voice and the impact our tone has on conversations.

For example, a flat tone could mean someone is disinterested or an emotion of boredom might have emerged. Some tones bring energy and could be closely connected to emotions of enthusiasm or resentment, just to name some examples. When we hear a change in tone of voice, that could also mean a shift in the person’s emotional state and that is an invitation to do a check in. With practice, we can skillfully capture the opportunity to do a check in and elevate our effectiveness as listeners. On another note, the absence of sound and complete silence can create a powerful space for thoughts and emotions to connect during a conversation. Being comfortable with silence is another skill that hones our senses and produce powerful listening.

Taste

Many conversations happen around eating and dining. Many negotiations and important conversations take place around food. The taste of the food has the potential to change our emotional state and change the direction of the conversation.

Consider this scenario:
A waiter showed up with a delicious looking steak. Putting that mouth watering steak into your mouth and tasting it will almost immediately shift your emotions positively. Now add the experience of having a great bottle of wine to go along with the steak, your mood will likely brighten up further. You immediately become a new kind of listener (though this shift might be totally invisible for you).

Now consider another scenario: you took a bite of the fish on your plate only to experience a particular fishy taste lingering in your mouth long after it was consumed. The listening during this particular meal now becomes affected by the emotional state created by the lingering fishy taste.

As a Singaporean who loves to eat, I’m now more aware of how food can change conversations and more intentional to leverage the use of taste when holding important conversations.

Touch

Stroking a pet can bring certain emotions to pet owners and can possibly be a calming influence in conversations. Receiving a tender touch from another human being can evoke lots of powerful emotions as well. Leveraging the power of touch can be very powerful especially for parents with young children. When we communicate that we are listening to our young kids through physical touch, we create a huge amount of psychological safety (this aspect is intangible). As a parent, I’ve lost count of the number of times I have demonstrated that I’m listening to my kids by simply holding their hands, touching their faces, massaging their arms and shoulders etc. I have also learnt to calm my kids down by stroking their arms, stroking their backs, brushing my hands on their hair. This way of communication has worked marvelously for me since I started practicing. Touch is a key listening tool in parenting.

In summary: Have we considered how the global shift to more virtual meetings has amplified the need to listen well? To increase in leadership effectiveness and personal performance, we can practice tuning into our five senses. By paying attention to our senses, we can be more aware of our emotional state and become more effective as listeners.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Listening Through Our Mood

Have you considered how the global shift to more virtual meetings has amplified the need to listen well? In an earlier article, I wrote about practicing a new way of being in this digital world - being a Listener. There is a growing need to be more self-aware. That is my assessment as an ontological coach.

Being more aware gives us a greater insight into the choices that we have. The awareness impacts the relational and leadership results we want in this digital world. This article is written based on this premise.

As human beings, we are always listening to emotions. Traditionally, listening is a lot about what others say or do not say and being attentive to how others might feel. To grow our listening, we focus on improving our listening skills to be more effective. These skills include summarizing what was said, maintaining eye contact, asking good questions, etc.

listening through our emotions

Are we aware that we are not only listening to emotions but also THROUGH your emotions? This is the distinction that I hope to offer. We are always listening THROUGH our emotions and mood. We are always in a mood. This mood is, however, invisible to many.

Think of a mood as an emotional habit you have picked up. Let me share an example. Every weekday morning, I wake up at 6 am. I get myself washed up, change and get ready for the day. At 630 am, I wake my three young kids up. I get them to wash up, change into their school uniforms and finish breakfast by 715am. By 715am, the school bus fetches my two younger kids while I walk my eldest to school. What is invisible to me is that each morning I practiced an emotional habit - a mood of resentment. I resent that I used a lot of energy to drag my kids out of bed. I resent that I have to nag at them to wash up and get changed. I resent that I have to rush them to finish breakfast so they will not be late for school. Once in a while, I snapped at them. While I usually feel bad, I often deal with my guilt by rationalizing that my kids are great at triggering all my wrong buttons. In short, I blame my kids (a behaviour strongly connected to the mood of resentment)

The epiphany - swimming in a mood of resentment

I had an epiphany when I learned through my ontological coaching course that we are always in a mood that is usually invisible. From 6-715am, I am in the same mood every weekday. I swim in a pool of resentment during this period. That was the emotional habit I have practiced every day. In this pool of resentment, there are lots of stories and assessments. Each action by my wife or kids triggers a particular kind of assessment. For example, when I see my kid struggling to get out of bed, imagery of a lazy, ill-disciplined kid forms in my head. With my resentment mood, my assessments are pre-disposed to be negative. I am pre-disposed during 6-715am to be an angry, impatient, anxious, irritated father and husband. In my mood of resentment, all I can hear are noises. If I want to be a loving husband and father, I will need a new emotional habit.

our mood pre-disposed us to listen in a particular way

Are we aware we are in a particular mood (or practiced emotional habit) at work? Are we aware that our mood can change when our boss speaks? Are we aware that our ability to trust others is dependent on our mood? Different kinds of stories and assessments are generated in our heads when we are in different moods. These stories strongly affect the way we listen to others. That affects our relational and leadership results.

Here are some questions to develop our leadership and listening competency:

• Are we aware of our moods and emotions?

• Are we owning and engaging our emotions to be better listeners?

• Are we aware that we can shift our emotions to listen more effectively?

Pause for a moment:

What mood are you in as you are reading this article?

I propose that your mood and emotions affect what you are taking or not taking away from what you are reading.

As you are reading this article, you could be winding down from a long day and feeling relieved. You could be ready to start a brand new day and feel hopeful. You could be feeling curious and in a learning zone. You could be feeling bored. How you feel determines what you take away as you read this article.

Listening through our emotions starts with the practice of noticing how we are feeling. That involves checking in with ourselves using these simple questions:

• What emotion or emotions am I having right now?

• Why are these emotions there?

• What are the emotions telling me?

• If I am in a contrasting mood (name it), how will I be looking at things?

Ending note: When we practice noticing our emotions, we can learn to become better listeners. When we noticed that our mood does not align with the results we want to create, we can choose to change our mood. Learning to change our mood requires practice. It starts by noticing our mood when we are in different situations. For now, let us conclude that listening is an art.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.