“Be Your True Self”
Have you ever wondered what these four words mean? I have. And these are my thoughts.
“Being my true self” means consciously looking within or listening to my heart when making life decisions. It is not conforming to the cultural norms in the face of challenges. It is often easier said than done, and I often struggle with dilemmas. Let me explain.
I struggle to find coherence. When I look deep within, I often find a deceitful heart. I have multiple desires—tight-knit family, healthy life, well-paying job, opportunity to do what I want, financial freedom, close community of friends—and some, as many of you might know, are inherently incompatible.
I often experience tension when a particular situation requires me to choose one desire to the exclusion of another. I have realized that going down this path of looking within makes me experience more burden than freedom.
I am struggling to be grounded.
I’m now in my mid-forties; I recall looking back at my thirty-year-old self, thinking what an idiot I was and how I needed to mature emotionally. Funnily, I remembered looking back at my twenty-year-old self when I was in my thirties, convinced I needed to be more mature in my life choices. If I looked even further—myself at twenty, examining my teenage life—the desire for maturity already existed. Despite learning intentionally from my life experiences and striving to “be my true self,” the results were painfully consistent.
Perhaps history has proven that looking inwardly, and listening to my heart, might not necessarily be the wisest or most robust way to mature into being.
And so here lie the big questions:
Who am I? What is my identity? What is my true self? How does one explore this idea of “being one’s true self”?
As a pilgrim, unsure of what the pilgrimage holds for me, I would like to share five ideas I’ve integrated from authors and coaches I have interacted with. I credit Brene Brown, Tim Keller, Peter Block, James Clear, and Marcus Marsden for the insights they bring through their books and podcasts. The five areas are interconnected but presented distinctly. I hope these five ideas might meet those on a similar journey, and invite refreshed perspectives and new considerations.
(1) Label
Identity is like a label that gives us a way to think, feel and behave in a particular context. I can be a father, a son, a worker, a leader, a Singaporean, etc, and these roles can exist simultaneously. Have you noticed how you usually introduce yourself to others? What Is the default way you introduce yourself? How you commonly introduce yourself highlights the label you put on yourself.
There might be times when we noticed the label we put on make us feel awkward. It could be a first date. It could be interacting with our future in-laws. It could be interacting with someone from a different culture for the first time. Awkwardness is an emotion made apparent when one does not know the identity to engage appropriately in a given context.
Knowing our true self requires the skill of discernment - understanding (the hat to wear, the role to play) to engage effectively in a given context.
One suggestion: Practice introducing yourself in new ways. Notice your ability to describe yourself authentically and comfortably.
(2) Belonging
Our identity is often rooted in our sense of belonging. It is naming a community we feel we belong in. I am a Singaporean. I am a student of XYZ school. I am an employee of company ABC. I am a member of a particular religious organization. I am a supporter of BCM football club. Wherever I go, I carry these associations—these identities—within me. We connect ourselves to people in these communities of belonging. This identity helps me to understand with whom I can have solidarity, and with whom I might have conflict. The stronger the sense of belonging, the stronger I feel about my identity.
The key questions to answer:
- Who are the communities I will identify myself with?
- What are the values I embody as a result of being part of these communities?
Knowing our true self means naming the communities to which we belong. When we do so, we shape our values and boundaries in alignment with these communities.
(3) Human Operating System
Our identity feels grounded when we have clarity of our human operating system. Essentially, the human operating system is a recurring set of thinking, emotional, behavioural, and conversational habits moulded by and exercised in our aggregated life experiences. We derive our strengths, motivations, fears and emotional triggers from these habits. Profiling tools are popular for this reason—they help to give people a sense of themselves through the data received. Across the world, coaches use profiling tools to help people derive the language to describe the human operating system. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths profiling tool.
Knowing our true self means understanding our human operating system.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
- What motivates and drives me even when no one is looking?
- What are my deep fears and insecurities that I have to overcome regularly?
- What are my boundaries? What kind of behaviour by others will trigger me to react?
To be able to answer these questions will help us to be more grounded.
A side note: we often get into situations where we are required to think, feel and behave in ways that feel unnatural. That is part of the growth process.
Example: a more introverted person is required to be more assertive in a particular work context. Those with a fixed mindset might have internal thoughts that shout out “This is not me”. Those with a growth mindset embrace the discomfort as part of growth and expanding their ways of being.
Reflection: Do you often have thoughts such as “This is me or this is not me"?” This could be a belief that our true self is the human operating system. I invite you to consider other possibilities as you continue reading this article.
(4) Core Sense of Self - Values
Our identity is grounded when we understand the Core Sense of Self. The core is the unchanging self across multiple contexts. This core is a set of values and beliefs that remain constant and true of us in every setting. Some might describe them as convictions. I found this model by Marcus Marsden helpful in deepening my understanding.
The outermost layer constitutes my preferences. These include my desire to have chicken rice weekly for lunch, or to have a movie night out with my friends on a weekly basis.
The next layer contains my duties and best practices. These include my duties as a citizen of Singapore, my duties as a community volunteer, my daily routines and practices such as swimming three times a week.
The third layer houses my principles. For me, these are: doing what I have promised others, being humble and courageous to admit my mistakes, giving my best effort even when no one sees what I do and actively forgiving those who have hurt me.
The innermost layer are where my core convictions reside—loving God wholeheartedly and joyfully as a Christian, loving my wife, and loving my children.
Knowing our true self means being able to name and know what we might put into each of these circles, especially the third and innermost layers. The Core Sense of Self is derived from understanding what we consciously hold as our principles (third layer) and our convictions (the innermost layer).
(5) Sense of Worth
Finally, our identity feels grounded when we know our Sense of Worth. This sense of worth imbues us with significance and creates our value in society. It is an assessment we hold, one that we build from a young age. The sense of worth comes from having a deep sense of being loved, accepted, and feeling belonged. Love and acceptance from our family and community play a strong part in cultivating a sense of worth. The stronger our sense of worth, the more confident and grounded we become.
As a coach, I observe that this is an area of struggle for many. Growing up, we often suffer trauma that diminishes our sense of worth. The trauma for some, comes from experiencing family brokenness. For some, the trauma could come from labels: stupid, slow, fat, or ugly, just to name a few. As a result, we struggle to accept ourselves. We act out of our insecurities. We retaliate. We bully. We blame. We manipulate. Deep down, we feel fragile. We struggle with self-acceptance. We choose to self-protect to avoid getting hurt. Author Brene Brown calls the act of self-protection “armouring”. When we start to practice armouring, our identity becomes a blur and we struggle to get a good grasp of our self-worth.
Knowing your true self is an intentional process of deepening your sense of worth. The result is feeling secure and accepted. This learning process includes (but not limited to) opening up our hearts to love and receive love despite the risk of getting hurt. Instead of practicing armouring, we are encouraged to practice vulnerability. We are encouraged to exercise self-compassion when we screw up. We are encouraged to practice accountability in the way we live our lives. We are encouraged to learn humility (not overplaying or downplaying our significance). As we make progress, we will also by extension, practice empathy and compassion towards others. Is this possible? I found a model through the life of Jesus Christ, a story I’d be happy to share further.
Back to the question: Who am I? What is my true self?
Rather than just a vague act of looking within, I hope these five alternative ideas provide a deeper framework to explore this philosophical question. Let me know if you’ve practiced or come across other ideas too—I will be glad to learn.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
