I was asked recently: “If there is one thing I will want to teach my 3 kids now, what will it be?”
The first thing that came to my mind was to take ownership of our emotions. In simple terms, that means to regulate our emotions. My instinctive response came out of two incidents that happened recently. On one occasion, my eldest son who is turning nine, went into a fit of anger and could not control himself. He was breathing very fast and heavily and gritting his teeth very tightly. His body was very tensed up and he was shaking On another occasion, my younger son who was six, had the same behaviour when he threw a fit.
Why Ownership?
As I reflected about what happened to my children, I became aware that for a large part of my life (till I was 40?), I had no idea that I could take ownership of my emotions. I see emotions as something that “happened” to me. I certainly did not see emotions as something I could learn to regulate or manage. I was one of those who have been guilty of blaming others or circumstances for how I felt. I was one of those who played the victim card as a convenient way to manage the discomfort I was experiencing. I was one of those who hate to admit that I struggled to cope with failures and rejections. The result was that negative emotions usually get the better of me in these circumstances. I go through life believing that emotions are happening because of what others or circumstances are doing to me. I do not have a sense that I could own my emotions. I am easily resentful, easily angered and easily frustrated. I could not deal with my outbursts. Others around me suffered as a result. In a nutshell, I am used to giving power away rather than taking ownership of how I am feeling.
The point I’m making is that things outside of us (circumstances or people) can make us feel anything until we take control of our own emotions. What I have learnt is that the sufferings caused by our negative emotions can be greatly reduced. We can take back control of our emotions rather than give away power. In fact, it is possible to be masterful of our own emotional state with continuous practice of good habits. And the result can be a very different life we can live. Unfortunately, until we accept this truth, we will be victims. Victims of circumstances. Victims of what others are doing to us or saying to us. Taking ownership of our emotions is the pathway to stop being victims.
Taking ownership is a developmental step.
The important thing is to realize that a step has to be taken. I have observed as a life coach that this awareness does not come easily to many people. Like what I have mentioned earlier, emotions are often perceived as “what happens to us”. We can be unconscious of the idea that we can take control of our emotions. Often it takes a lot of pain and suffering for one to eventually declare “I have had enough. I want to get hold of my emotions. I want to change.” The most transformative moment starts to happen - when one realized that there is a step to be taken and something can be done. In ontological coaching, we call this a “break in transparency or a breakdown”. This break in transparency causes people to wonder “why are all the sufferings happening? And can we do something about the sufferings?”
It is possible for people to go through their lives without declaring any breakdowns. Without declaring breakdowns, we will not ask ourselves those questions that can potentially transform us. For me, those questions started to surface during my mid life crisis. What's going on? Why am I increasingly dissatisfied with life? What's the point of pushing so hard? Why am I more resentful? Why do I react more in anger or impatience? Why am I languishing? Is this just who I am or is there something I can do to change? I thought I was doing all the things that I really ought to be doing, but I'm still suffering in some way. Why?
I invite you to reflect: “Could you identify with some of my thoughts? Were they familiar to you? In your pain and suffering, do you feel lost? Do you look for somebody to blame?”
It's my boss’ fault. It’s this particular colleague. It’s my spouse. It’s the pandemic. It’s the government.
The key question we need to be concerned about: “Are others doing this to us or do we have the power to change our emotional state?” There’s a real trap that exists. If we put the blame on somewhere else, we are victims and the power over our lives lie with someone else. We have no control when we give power away.
We do not have to deny how we feel.
If we interpret that others are behaving badly, our emotions will be affected by our thoughts. Our emotions are real. No one likes to be bullied, or retrenched or criticized etc. Yet, there is a truth that we can grasp. The truth is that we have control over our own body, emotions and thoughts. If we can simply accept this truth, our lives will change. We have the power to take ownership when we feel that the emotions are bringing us pain. We do not need to give the power away.
Taking back ownership is the point where our lives can be transformed. When we start to take back ownership, we move from ignorance into those periods of suffering or painful moments and we can start to learn about ourselves. We can learn how we respond. We can learn how to make meaning of the sufferings. We can learn what the emotions are doing to us and if those emotions are serving us. We can learn how we can overcome the effects of the negative emotions and how we can adapt. The essence is that we don't have to let emotions get the better of us. Misery is optional. We don't have to do resentment or anxiety or fear over and over again. We do not have to remain powerless.
It’s ownership that makes the difference.
We can all engage productively with our emotions. We can take responsibility and learn to control how we respond rather than react. We can step out of victimhood. We can step out of the space that says “I’m an impatient person, I’m an angry person, I’m resentful or I’m easily anxious”.
We can practice new habits of becoming. We can become kind. We can become patient. We can become compassionate. We can become stronger in our inner capacity. When we take ownership of our emotions, our lives will grow tremendously. The lives of others around us will be impacted tremendously.
Back to the story of my boys.
On each occasion, I brought my angry son into a room first. I assured him that being angry and upset is normal and taking responsibility of his emotions is very important as well. I demonstrated how he can calm down by breathing in and out very slowly and in a rhythm. I get him to practice and gave him space to do that by leaving the room. Now, both my sons understood how they can calm down. I have seen them doing that on other occasions and they are starting to practice emotional regulation. They might not understand the idea of taking ownership yet but I believe the regular practice will help them grow and develop.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
