As an ontological coach, I love working with my clients on their moods and emotions. That wasn’t always the case when I started out as a coach. I needed to learn how to work with my own emotions and be comfortable with them.
There are probably different ways you can define emotions if you plough through books, research work, online articles. This article isn’t about defining what emotions are. Rather, this article is written to share coaching distinctions and how you (regardless of whether you are a coach) can work with others about their emotions.
The three coaching distinctions I hope to share about emotions are feeling, expressing and naming.
What is feeling an emotion and how does this help a client?
Feeling an emotion helps us understand and distinguish what is happening on the inside of us. In simple terms, when we “feel” an emotion, we receive a message from our body and brain. Feeling an emotion allows us to notice that an emotion exists within and it is “messaging” us. Feeling and noticing our emotions therefore is the first step to be conscious and be aware there is something in the background that affects our thoughts, decisions and ultimately our quality of life. Feeling an emotion can be physiological in many ways. You will have heard terms like butterflies in the stomach, the nausea of disgust, the heaviness of sadness, the fast pounding heartbeat of terror and horror, the flushed cheeks of embarrassment and the lightness of joy. It is worthwhile noting that we cannot change what we don’t notice. Denying or avoiding feelings doesn’t make the emotions go away.
A coach might ask:
How are you feeling right now as we are talking?
When you feel this way, what facial expression do you notice you have?
What are some things you notice about your body in terms of tension, lightness, pain, heat, tightness etc?When you feel this way, what are your internal narratives or hidden thoughts?
2. What is expressing an emotion and how does this help us?
Expressing an emotion helps us to communicate to others and letting others know the state we are in. Examples of expressing our emotion include letting the tears flow, gritting our teeth, literally laughing out loud etc. By expressing our emotions, we can better manage even the most difficult of emotions. That helps us to receive support, relieve stress and deepen our emotional intimacy with others. I will add that expressing our emotions at the right time and to the right people does require wisdom (we shall not discuss this here). It is also often said that the most common unexpressed emotions in the workplace revolve around suffering.
A coach might ask:
How much freedom do you give yourself in expressing your emotions?
Whom do you usually express your emotions to?
Are there certain emotions you will not express? Why?
What might stop you from expressing your emotions?
3. What is naming an emotion and how does this help us?
Naming help us to identify what we are feeling and allow us to make choices about what to do with them. Being able to name or label our emotions can have the effect of lessening the burden or reducing the hold that the emotion has on us. There is a distance that is created once we can name the specific emotion. An individual can now separate the emotion from the person and identify the emotion as “it”. When we put feelings into words, we are essentially hitting the brakes on our emotional responses. This ability to create a distance then empowers us to choose how to respond rather than react. In my own research as a coach, I found that there are studies that show that people who could name or label their emotions could perform better than those who could not name their emotions.
A coach might ask:
What adjectives come to mind if you are to describe how you feel?
Are there any picture, analogy, metaphor, cartoon character or story that might be helpful to describe your emotion?
What will be an emoticon that you will choose to represent how you feel?
Conclusion: You might be curious: Why does a coach (like myself) explore with clients about their emotions?
Our emotional state profoundly influences our well-being and performances at work. It can be very helpful to view emotions as tools in our toolbox. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, resentment aren’t necessarily bad. They can actually produce positive results when we know how to direct them. For example, fear is the emotion that helps us drive safely on the road (though this is so obvious that we miss it).
Emotions can be dangerous when we have little awareness of what these emotions are doing and how they can become destructive. By helping a client learn now they feel, express and name emotions, a coach is effectively helping a client take responsibility and ownership for these emotions. This process empowers a client to make decisions to improve their well-being and performance. This is why I love coaching. #justsaying
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
