The Power of Distinctions: How Clarity Actually Works
A few years ago, I was in a pair conversation on the first day of a coaching course. My partner and I were supposed to share why we had signed up. Once we sat down together, I intuitively said to her, "Would you like to start first?"
After the conversation, she thanked me. She said she loved to listen, and because I asked her to go first, she could get the task out of the way and be fully present when I was speaking. In our conversation, I experienced her as a great listener.
What she said made me realise something - I hate sharing things without being clear about what I am going to say. So my request for her to go first was actually about my own needs. I needed time to sort out the content and structure in my head. Which means while she was speaking, I was not really listening.
By the end of our debrief, I had observed something new in myself and gained a new distinction. I had new words for my behaviour in conversations. People had called me a babbler before especially when I had little preparation about my content and structure. I had also received feedback that I was a poor listener. Now I could connect the dots.
Nothing in my life had changed in that hour. But something in me had. I walked out lighter, clearer, and able to act. The shift was not motivational. It was ontological. I had gained a distinction.
What is a distinction, really?
If you have ever ordered kopi at a hawker centre, you already understand distinctions better than most management books will teach you. To someone new, "kopi" is just coffee. But stand at your favourite stall long enough and the menu opens up: Kopi, Kopi-O, Kopi-C, Kopi-gao, Kopi-poh, Kopi-siew-dai, Kopi-C-siew-dai, Kopi-C-kosong. Each word points to something specific. Each one allows the uncle to make exactly what you want.
Now imagine walking into the same stall knowing only the word "coffee." You will still get a drink. But you will not get your drink. And worse, you will not even know what you are missing.
This is what distinctions do. They are not just words. They are how we cut up reality so we can see it, choose, and act. Without distinctions, the world looks like one big lump. With distinctions, the world shows us options.
Why this matters more than it sounds
In the ontological discipline I work in, there is a quiet but radical claim: we do not see the world as it is. We see the world as our distinctions allow us to see it. This is not just philosophy. It is a practical truth that shapes every decision we make.
Take a leader who only has one distinction for difficult conversations: "conflict." Every disagreement gets filed under that one word. The body responds accordingly. Shoulders tense up. Breathing gets shallow. The instinct is to either avoid or attack. Now give that same leader three distinctions: complaint, request, and boundary. Suddenly what felt like "conflict" might actually be a request that was never made. Or a boundary that was never shared. The shoulders soften. A different response becomes possible.
The leader did not become braver. She became clearer. And clarity, it turns out, is not a personality trait. It depends on the distinctions you carry.
The MRT map and the territory
Singaporeans navigate the city using the MRT map almost without thinking. But the map is not Singapore. It is a set of distinctions about Singapore. With the MRT map, we see stations, lines, interchanges and that let us travel with clarity. Without the map, we could still travel from Tampines to Tuas. But it might not give us landmarks we could associate with places we want to go.
Our inner life works the same way. The distinctions we hold are the map we use to navigate ourselves. When someone says "I just feel off lately," they are often saying their inner map has gone blank. They cannot locate themselves.
Is what you are feeling disappointment or resentment? They look similar from far away. But they ask for different things. Disappointment asks to be grieved. Resentment asks for a conversation that has been postponed too long. Treat one as the other, and you will spend years trying to fix the wrong problem.
What an ontological coach actually does
This is the work an ontological coach does. We do not give advice. We do not hand people answers. What we do is help others gain distinctions they did not have before.
Sometimes that means helping someone notice their own body. The way their jaw tightens when a certain colleague's name comes up. The way their voice drops when they talk about their father. The way their energy goes up when they recall a particular memory. Sometimes it means helping someone name an emotion they have been carrying without knowing it. Other times, it means helping someone see how they have been listening. Or not listening. Like I learnt that day in my coaching course.These are signals that were always there. The coach just helps the person see them.
That is the work of clarity. The world has not changed. Your distinctions grew. And once that happens, you can never quite go back to not seeing.
Continue Reading — The Ontological Coaching Series:
What is Ontological Coaching? A Singapore Practitioner's Guide
The 15 Beliefs That Stop You From Learning - And Being Resistance to Change
Interested in experiencing ontological coaching firsthand? Explore 1-1 ontological coaching.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Frequently Asked Questions About Distinctions and Clarity
Q: What is a distinction in ontological coaching?
A: A distinction is a precise word or concept that lets you see something you could not see before. It is not just vocabulary. It is how we cut up reality so we can act on it. The kopi example illustrates this idea. To someone new, "kopi" is just coffee. But to a regular at a coffee shop in Singapore, the menu opens up to kopi-O, kopi-C, kopi-gao, kopi-siew-dai etc. Each word points to something specific about the coffee and the way it is made, which lets the uncle make exactly what you want. Distinctions work the same way in our inner life. The more we have, the more we can see, choose, and act with clarity.
Q: What is the difference between gaining a distinction and just learning a new word?
A: A new word is information. A distinction is a shift in what we can see and do. We can read a definition of resentment and still not know whether what we are carrying is resentment. The word becomes a distinction the moment we recognise it inside our own experience and our range of possible action expands because of it. The body usually signals when this has happened. Something settles. Or something releases. From the outside, nothing has changed. Internally, everything has. That is why the article says once we have gained a distinction, we can never quite go back to not seeing.
Q: Why does naming an emotion change how we experience it?
A: Because what we cannot name, we cannot work with. Disappointment and resentment look similar from a distance, but they ask for different responses. Disappointment asks to be grieved. Resentment asks for a conversation that has been postponed too long. Treat one as the other and you will spend years trying to fix the wrong problem. Naming an emotion is not a small linguistic act. It is the moment a vague heaviness becomes something you can locate, sit with, and respond to. The distinction creates the leverage.
Q: How do distinctions actually change what becomes possible for us?
A: Distinctions change the range of action available to us. Consider a leader who only has one word for difficult conversations - “conflict”. Every disagreement gets filed there. The body responds with tension, and the only options that come to mind are to avoid or attack. Now if we give the same leader three distinctions: a complaint, a request, and a boundary, then this leader now sees difficult conversations differently. What used to feel like conflict might actually be a request that was never made, or a boundary that was never shared. The leader did not become braver. She became clearer. And clarity, it turns out, depends on the distinctions we carry.
Q: How do I gain new distinctions about myself?
A: Distinctions usually come through three doors. The first is a conversation with someone who can mirror back what you cannot see in yourself, which is part of what makes ontological coaching work. The second is a direct experience that shows us something we could not understand before - what we commonly call a realisation. For me, it was the realisation that I have asked my partner to speak first because I needed time to organise my own thoughts. I suddenly realised that I have prioritised speaking over listening as a recurring pattern. The third is reading or studying frameworks that give us new vocabulary, then testing whether the words actually fit our lived experience. Distinctions that stay only as concepts do little. The ones that change us are the ones we feel in the body when we land on them.
