A Type of Grief that Few Talks About

Have you had some who who used to be really close friends but no longer?

I have and it was hard letting go.

The loyalty is real and so is the suffering. I love these people. The memories of the intimate and shared moments continue to fill my mind but dwelling in these memories pulls me into a depressing and lonely space. The grief of growing apart, without a fight, without a reason can be one of the loneliest feelings in adult life.

Maybe we have some commonalities. We still love these friends. And that’s why it’s confusing. We wish they can reach out. We wish to reconnect. We wish somehow the old times can be lived again.

Not sure about you, I do think about these friendships randomly once in a while. I remember the trips together, the hanging out, the inside jokes. In certain seasons, these friends would be the first ones I’ll call when anything happened, good or bad.

Often, I wonder if I should reach out. When I do, there's a strange awkwardness. Not sure if conversations would be natural or it would take much effort. Not sure how the meetup would be if there is a reconnect. 

It is a type of grief that I feel that few talks about.

We have language for breakups. We have language for losing someone to death. We even have language for toxic friendships that needed to end. But growing apart from someone I once was closed to, with no reason I can point to (except to say “life happens”), no villain in the story, I am not aware of any closure ritual for that. 

No funeral. No official ending. There’s just a quiet, lingering loss that we carry around like background noise. The noise is always there but never loud enough to address.

In Singapore, where everyone is busy, where the default answer to "how are you?" is "okay lah, surviving," I wonder if others experience this kind of loneliness?

We are grieving friendships from ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five, even thirty years ago that technically (some still exists on WhatsApp). The last message was many years back. 

Think back at the friend who knew you in your JC, poly or university days. You were figuring life out, staying out late just because you could. They may not recognise the version of you now, busy at work, juggling work, managing a household, caregiving for your aged parents, dealing with teenager kids issues and a completely different set of fears. And you may not recognise them either.

Here's what few want to admit: people grow and change as a result of life circumstances. Priorities change. Responsibilites increased. Dreams are cast aside. 

That's life doing what life does.

But loyalty is a powerful thing. Especially for people who don't give trust easily. When you've let someone in deeply, you don't just switch that off. So you held on to the friendship. Except that it is not to the person as they are now, but to the person you knew then. To the friendship that once held you together.

And that holding on, as loving as it is, trap us in a grief that has nowhere to go.

And the most challenging part is we can't even be angry.

Anger might perhaps be helpful as Anger tends to have a direction. But this is just sadness with no address. We are missing our friends who are still alive and some might from the outside, looked like they are living their best life. Somehow that makes it worse, not better.

We don't want to be dramatic about it. No one would send a text out of nowhere saying “I miss our old times.” That just sounds weird. So we keep the grief folded neatly inside us, and we move on with our lives. 

We do it the Singaporean way. Tahan and carry on.

So what now?

Maybe we can acknowledge that the grief we feel is proportional to the love and friendship that was real. We don't mourn mediocre friendships. We mourn the ones that actually meant something. 

That feeling we might be trying to deal with? It's not a sign that something is wrong with us. It's a sign that we are someone who loved well. And perhaps redirecting the energy by asking “who else in this season can we also extend this love to?”

So the invitation here is learning to let go of the version of the friendship that can no longer exist.  Honor what it was. The friendship still counts. It shaped us to become who we are. We don't have to pretend we are fine as well. We don't have to rush to "acceptance." We are allowed to grieve something that has no formal ending.

And my hope is this article names a type of grief that is lesser talked about and provides us legitimacy to express and process our thoughts and feelings.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

When Growth Becomes a Silent Fault Line in Marriage

“I still feel judged despite growth.”

Few sentences land with as much quiet force as this one for married couples. This is one of the most quietly painful human experiences. And it’s far more common than we admit.

When I hear this statement shared, I don’t hear accusation. Instead,
I hear grief.
I hear longing.
I hear someone naming, often for the first time, a deep rupture in the marriage.

What’s especially painful is that many people feel they are never allowed to say this to their spouse. The deep internal struggle is not knowing how to say it without making the other person feel “bad”. And so it remains unspoken.

The Deeper Issue Is Not “Growth”. It’s Relatedness.
“I am no longer the same person when we first got married.” But why do I still feel like I am being judged the same way?

From an ontological perspective, the core issue is rarely about one person “growing” and the other “not.”

The real breakdown happens because: the relationship is still organised around an earlier version of that person.

While we feel we have changed (values, boundaries, character traits), the existing relational agreements with the spouse and expectations remain intact. This creates a deep crack.

Because human relationships don’t just operate on behavior or roles. They revolve around expectations we have of each other. 

This is a developmental tension. The core tension experienced is that the growth happens without recognition and acknowledgement. It’s the feeling of being judged because of past mistakes and failures. Inner change does not automatically update relational reality.

When couples fail to recognise this, the experience often becomes:

 • I feel alone even though I’m married.
 • I feel unseen in who I am becoming.
 • I don’t know how to invite you into my inner world anymore.

This is how emotional distance forms, not suddenly, but quietly.

Why does this feel So Lonely?

Marriage is not only a commitment of love; it is a promise of shared meaning.

When meaning diverges, when the values, priorities, internal narratives shift, the loneliness can be profound because:

• you are grieving togetherness while still being together,
• you are changing without the other validating nor acknowledging,
• you are carrying a future that no longer fits the present structure of the relationship.

Some say in marriage, Two becomes ONE.
But as time passes, the two no longer seemed to be ONE.
Many people sense this but lack the language to name it. Without language, clarity collapses into blame or silence.

My Story: The Hardest Step was naming the state of our relationship truthfully

In my own marriage, we did not reach a dramatic crisis point. The “D” word was not mentioned.

But many years ago, something far more dangerous was present: drift.

What changed everything was not technique. It was courage.

The hardest step was acknowledging the state of our marriage honestly.

Only when the current state is named can a new future be created. Ontologically, this is foundational: you cannot transform what you refuse to see.

Growth Together Is a Choice and not an Accident.

What followed was not quick or easy. It required humility, investment, and structure.

We chose to:

• Seek professional help through marriage counseling, even though on the outside, we were seemingly “okay”
• Forgive repeatedly.
• Protect and guard sacred time together fiercely
• Commit to individual growth without weaponising it against each other
• Rebuild oneness intentionally, one small step at a time.

Marriage Breakdown Is Preventable. But it takes Hard Work

One of the most painful truths I’ve learned through the years: by the time many marriages “break,” they have already been lonely for a long time. So my plea to readers who might be experiencing “drift”,

Don’t wait until resentment hardens into identity.
Don’t wait until distance becomes normal.
Don’t wait until the cost of repair feels unbearable.

Today, I’m deeply grateful that our marriage is stronger, more honest, and more alive than it was before. I am honestly thankful to God for His grace and mercy. Without supernatural intervention, I’m convinced human effort is simply not enough.

That journey eventually led my wife and I to train and serve as marriage mentors ourselves. We remembered the pain. Empathy is something we gained from lived transformation.

A Final Reflection

If this thought has crossed your mind: “The person I married stopped growing”, I invite you to pause before judging it.

This thought of yours may not be a verdict. It may be an invitation.

An invitation to:

• name what has shifted,
• re-examine how your marriage is currently organised,
• and decide (with courage) whether you will grow past each other or with each other.

Clarity, when handled with care, is not destructive. It is the beginning of renewal.

The Wall of Emotions

Someone once said to me many years ago:

“Victor, you have been married for 12 years right? If you don’t tear down the wall that stopped you from engaging emotionally, your marriage might not last 20 (years).”

We are emotional beings long before we are logical ones. Joy, anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame - these live in our bodies like weather systems. But somewhere along my own journey, I’ve learnt how not to feel, but to manage. I’ve learnt how not to express, but to understand emotions from a safe distance. I learn to talk about emotions without ever really sitting in them. And so, brick by brick, I built the Wall.

The Wall of Emotions isn’t loud. It’s quiet and functional. It lets me perform, lead, show up, even love (to a certain extent). Others feel my love by what I do for them. In CliftonStrengths language, I am an Activator and I’m a Achiever. I am fast to act and I believe that others feel my love by what I do for them.

But this wall has a way to stop me from going deeper in connecting with others. I often talk about stress but never could name the loneliness under it. I might name the sadness, but I never cry in public. The Wall protects me, but I never knew that it also isolates me. I have often felt lonely even when I am constantly surrounded by people. Over time, others around me including my wife feel something missing though they might not be able to pinpoint it. I felt it too.

In one of my earlier vocation as a pastoral worker, I had to deal often with crisis. I have dealt with multiple suicides. I have gone to the mortuary many times to identify and collect dead bodies. I have conducted many funerals. I have many conversations with people who have experienced abuse. I have been inside rooms where individuals are wailing in sorrow. Yet, I have the ability to appear unflinched. This Wall doesn’t look like avoidance. It can look like strength, competence, even leadership. Often in crisis, I am calm and collected. 

I have led many teams with this wall. I can give advice while staying emotionally unreachable. This wall has kept me safe and has helped me perform my duties well (or at least in my own assessment).

Back to the feedback: 
I was taken aback but not shocked.
I wasn’t offended.
I saw certain truth in the comment.

I had some consistent feedback over the years - I often appeared intimidating. Sometimes I come across as cold and emotionless. There seems to be a need to look strong and put together. 

The Wall was my coping mechanism. 

I became curious. I explored what the wall is about. I looked at how the wall has served me and how it has limited me. I realized what has served me over the years is no longer serving me.

I also realized that my CliftonStrengths themes canbe just as powerful without this wall. I do not have to be limited by assessments that others have made. An Activator loves being fast and I can also choose patience. Self-Assurance shows up as confident and I can choose vulnerability. Command can be courageous and I can choose tenderness. Strategic can be efficient and I can choose patience. It’s about what I choose and how I expand.

Fast forward to today, the brick wall has become more like a partition. Breaking down my wall has been one of the hardest challenges I have faced. I have suffered a lot of discomfort and have reaped a lot of rewards. I have moved from being stoic to become more empathetic. I can now confidently say I am more able to be able to sit in the discomfort of my emotions.

The invitation here isn’t to become emotional in a dramatic or performative way. 

It’s to feel—really feel—what’s under the surface, and allow others to witness it. Not conceptually but in practice. It might be awkward, raw, unfamiliar. But this is how the Wall begins to crack, to un-thaw, to dissolve. Not all at once—but slowly and courageously. 

Emotionally honest presence is not weakness. It is perhaps the rarest and most powerful kind of strength.

Have you wondered “what might be possible if you start to take down the wall?”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What’s Really on the Line When You Trust Someone?

“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

This quote by author Charles Feltman resonates very deeply with me. Often when I read this statement, I feel that it’s asking me to pause and look beneath the surface. It sets me thinking:

What do I risk when I trust another?

I have experienced betrayal by friends. I have been cheated of my money. There are certain deep emotional hurts or baggages we carry after experiencing broken trust.

Each of us have our stories.

Increasingly, I am discovering that trust isn’t about giving someone else my wallet, house keys, the password to my mobile or my secrets. It’s about what I am putting on the line. What I am willing to face if things go sideways? What are the baggages and deep hurts that will resurface once again?

So, what do we risk when we trust?

The purpose of this article is to explore this question. What are these real, visceral, human aspects or sacred spaces that we expose every time we let someone in? 

In my exploration, I found eight different areas of loss when trust is broken. I termed these losses as “senses”. Each of these has a short story to illustrate the distinctions.

1. Sense of Worth – “Am I enough?”

When we trust someone with our truth, our needs, or even just our bad jokes, we’re quietly asking, “Will you see me as worthy?”
When this sense is affected through broken trust, it doesn’t just sting. It can cut really deep. It can whisper lies like “maybe I don’t matter after all.”

The loss often associated with this sense of worth is our Voice.

Have you met people who seemingly don’t have a voice or feel that what they expressed just doesn’t matter? Often, these people might not even speak up when they are asked, choosing to forgo that opportunity to speak their thoughts, ideas and opinions. They preferred to stay in the background and chose to be invisible. 

Amara sat quietly in the team meeting. She has always been a hardworking individual and has been in the company for over 15 years. But few know what is on her mind. She just doesn’t speak up. When she does, it’s mostly along the lines of “I’m fine with this; I’ve no issues”. 

Unknown to her colleagues, many years ago, Amara finally opened up to her manager about feeling overlooked for months. She spoke vulnerably, carefully. Her manager smiled and nodded. Subsequently he made a joke about her being “too sensitive” during the next team meeting. She felt so diminished that she vowed within her that she would not share her inner thoughts again at work. It was too painful to relive that memory. 

2. Sense of Safety – “Can I breathe around you?”

This isn’t just about physical security. It’s the psychological safety to say the hard things, show the messy bits, and not flinch in fear. So what happens when this safety is compromised? Anxiety walks in and builds a fort. 

When we lose our sense of safety after trust is broken in a particular relationship, life feels like stepping on eggshells when we interact with this person. 

Vinny confided in his colleague about something that happened to him in childhood. A few weeks later, during an argument, she threw it back at him.

Vinny didn’t just feel betrayed. He felt emotionally unsafe. Walls went up. The space where he once felt he could breathe was GONE. The safety has been violated. 

Many of us do not feel safe in our work teams or work community because of this trust that once was violated.

3. Sense of Self – “Do I still recognize me?”

We trust others not just with our presence, but with our essence. This means our convictions, values, and beliefs that we hold close to our heart.

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt. Betrayals can shake our inner compass, leaving us asking, “Was I wrong to believe in this….or them?”

When we feel betrayed by people we deeply trust, by those who encapsulate our beliefs and values, our sense of self is de-stablised. The loss of trust creates recurring self-doubt and often leave us on a downward spiral. The loss often accompanied with this sense of self is our confidence.

Ella has always believed honesty was her compass. So when she blew the whistle on some unethical practices at work, she thought she was doing the right thing. She believed her manager was trustworthy and had strong ethics. Instead, she was quietly sidelined in projects and meetings. Ella began to question the values that anchored her. “Maybe I should’ve just kept quiet…” she thought. 

She didn’t just lose trust in others. She started having self-doubt. She battled the price paid from living her values. She started to wonder about the cost of living her values. Her confidence dips. Her sense of personal agency drops. 

4. Sense of Hope – “Is it still worth believing?”

Hope is the quiet music playing in the background when we take risks. Hope creates this silent expectation that maybe, just maybe, this might eventually work out.

But when trust crumbles? That music cuts. And silence rushes in.

Chris believed in the vision of the company. He believed he was contributing to meaningful work. He was a very committed worker. But he could not forsee what was coming. He was asked to go…

No reasons were given. Just a cold email sent to him. He ended up so hurt by the system that he gave more than 15 years of his life to. Since then, he lost trust in all kinds of community that represented an institution. He became extremely cynical. His sense of hope had diminished in proportion to the huge loss he has experienced. He could not hold down any job. Wherever he went, he would quickly disengage and distance himself from others. He stopped believing that positive change can take place in any system that is represented by an institution.

5. Sense of Belonging – “Am I still part of something?”

We all want to feel like we fit. Like we have a seat at the table. Trust opens the door to community, intimacy, and shared humanity.

When this trust is violated, the room can suddenly feel cold and we no longer enjoy sitting in the chair that we once enjoyed sitting in. 

Kenny finally came out to his closest friends. He believed they were supportive until he overheard one of them mocking him at a party.

In that moment, Kenny didn’t just feel hurt. He felt alone. The group where he thought he belonged had quietly closed its door behind him. The loss so damaged him that he will end up sabotaging himself (unconsciously) whenever he got close to another community. He will end up leaving any group that he felt close to. He just could not bear to relive the pain. Superficial friendship became the norm.

6. Sense of Integrity – “Did I betray myself?”

Sometimes the hardest part isn’t that someone let you down… it’s that you ignored your gut.

Trusting someone when something inside you said “wait” can leave you wrestling not just with disappointment but with yourself.

Shane could not forgive himself after falling prey to a scam. There was an instinct that something felt off. But the investment was paying off very well and this group of people felt trustworthy. He chose to rationalise and believe the discomfort he experienced was a result of overthinking. His financial loss impacted his own sense of integrity. He always believed that he was grounded in his own values. How could he be blinded by the lure of quick success? 

7. Sense of Wholeness – “Can I be all of me here?”

This particular one feels tender. Trust allows us to show up fully to others, unfiltered, unarmored, unapologetically us. Many want to live out the best version of themselves - the FULL version.

When trust is lost after we are met with ridicule or are rejected, we start armoring. I learnt this phrase from Brene Brown.
We start compartmentalising. We go from whole to parts.

“Leave your emotions at the door!” Jessy felt she was picked on. She felt shame. She felt all the eyes were on her during that moment. It was then she decided that to survive at work is to compartmentalise. She will show up with the parts that her boss and colleagues want to see and that would be enough. She no longer feels safe to engage with her whole self at work.

8. Sense of Contribution – “Does what I give matter?”

We often want to feel like what we do matters. It can be an act of care. It can be our effort to maintain peace within the team. It can be the work behind the scenes or at the front of the room. When we offer ourselves, we are saying, “This is how I hope to make a difference in this world.”

If that contribution is dismissed, ignored, or used, what we experienced is more than disappointing. That can deeply hurt our belief that what we do matter in this world.

Tariq worked tirelessly and poured months into a community project. Late nights, free hours, full heart. While he was not looking for rewards, he felt small and invisible when someone else got the credit for many parts of his work. His name was never mentioned. The energy, once fueled by purpose, drained out. “Why bother?” he thought. “Does what I give even matter?”

So why risk? Why trust? Why choose vulnerability?

In my opinion, the alternatives are worse. 
Loneliness. Isolation. Numbness.
The experience of distrust is actually a common human experience. At least, that is what I have been seeing as a professional coach.

Trust takes courage.
It’s the daily decision to say, “Even though I know this could hurt, I choose to be open.”
Maybe trusting “again” is the most human thing to do.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

Debunking Trust Myths

“Trust Me, You’re Wrong”

Debunking 8 Common Myths That Hold Us Back”

As a coach, I remembered a period that I focused so much on growing my listening skills and ability to ask great questions that I did not realised trust was working invisibly in the background. Often, trust is only evident to us when it’s missing.

Trust is the heartbeat of every meaningful relationship — whether it’s in families, friendships, teams, or leadership. And yet, for something so essential, trust is often misunderstood or oversimplified.

Trust is like a living ecosystem — it grows, gets damaged, regenerates, and sometimes evolves into something altogether new. Working with trust often requires us to examine our beliefs and have clarity of the ones that might confuse us and hold us back. Here are some of the most common myths to explore. 

Myth 1: “Trust, once broken, can never be fully restored.”

While it’s true that a breach of trust leaves a mark, trust can also be restored — not overnight, not with a magic wand, but with consistency and committed action over time. Holding this belief often keeps people stuck in blame, pain, or distance.  

Rebuilding trust is hard, yes. But with genuine repair work, trust can be reshaped. It may come back looking different (maybe wiser, maybe warier), but it can be whole again.

Myth 2: “Trust is all or nothing. You either trust a person or you don’t.”

We trust people in layers. You might trust someone with sensitive feedback, but not with your finances. Or trust a colleague with a task, but not with your emotions. This black-and-white thinking doesn’t match how trust actually works. Humans are complex, and so is trust. It grows, recedes, evolves. 

All or nothing? Binary thinking is for robots, not relationships. 

Myth 3: “Trust will automatically repair itself over time.”

Time alone doesn’t heal trust. What heals trust is what we do with that time. 

Healing trust takes intentional action — clear communication, changed behavior, and a willingness to revisit uncomfortable conversations. Without those, what time really does is harden resentment into concrete.

Myth 4: “Trust can be repaired as long as I sincerely apologise.”

A sincere apology is important. But trust isn’t restored by saying sorry — it’s restored by living sorry. People need to see change, not just hear regret.

I used to unconsciously believe that acknowledgment and a good chunk of humility pie will suffice. I learnt the hard way that it’s the little actions of change that is sustained with consistency that  truly repairs trust.

Myth 5: “I can now trust someone because I have forgiven this person.”

Forgiveness and trust are related, but they’re distinct. Forgiveness is about you. It’s abut release — letting go of resentment or bitterness for your own healing. Trust works in a way that feels like it is more about others - showing you through consistent actions that they are trustworthy again. 

You can forgive someone and still choose not to re-enter the same level of trust. That doesn’t make you bitter nor petty. That’s creating healthy boundaries and becoming discerning.

Myth 6: “Trust can only be restored if both parties are willing.”

Mutual willingness makes the trust-building process smoother. But waiting for “both parties to be ready” can feel like a stalemate. In reality, trust begins to shift when one person leads the change. A consistent, trustworthy presence can create an environment where the other party feels safe enough to re-engage.

Myth 7: “Trust is to be earned” or “Trust is to be given.”

This one creates a false choice. Trust isn’t either/or — it’s both/and. 

Rigidly insisting someone “earn it first” before offering any trust can block connection. Blindly giving trust without boundaries can lead to harm. Healthy trust-building is a dance of giving and earning — one where you extend trust in doses, and earn it back through consistent behavior. 

Having said the above, there’s no one-size-fits-all formula. Trust works in context of the relationship.

Myth 8: “The more we trust each other, the more harmonious, more peace there will be.”

It’s easy to assume that trust equals harmony, but that’s not always true. 

High-trust environments often invite more honesty. In high-trust teams, people challenge ideas, not hide behind politeness.  That means more disagreement, challenge, and truth-telling.

It’s not a sign of dysfunction. It’s a sign of maturity. Trust isn’t about avoiding conflict — it’s about being able to have conflict safely and respectfully.

Final Thoughts:

Trust is messy. It’s nuanced. It doesn’t live in fairy tales — it lives in Tuesday morning meetings, late-night apologies, and daily choices to show up with integrity. Trust isn’t a fixed state or a simple formula. It’s an ongoing conversation.

It’s not about avoiding the cracks. It’s about becoming people who learn how to make good. We can all make room for becoming more human and hopeful. We can all learn to hold trust with care, and to grow it with courage.

So the next time someone drops one of these 8 myths like it’s gospel, raise an eyebrow, take a sip of your coffee, and say confidently:

“Trust me, it’s more complicated than that.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

How You Handle Your Weaknesses Shapes Your Workplace Impact

Imagine an F1 driver refusing to adjust his technique despite constant crashes in the last few races. Or a pit crew member who acknowledges his tardiness in changing the tires ibut never seem to improve on his performance. In the high-speed world of racing—and in the workplace—performance isn’t just about talent; it’s about our attitude to adapt, refine, and overcome our weaknesses.

Just like in F1, talented professionals handle their limitations and personal flaws in different ways. Some fine-tune their approaches with humility and grace while others modify their behaviours begrudgingly. Some accept their flaws but couldn’t care more to improve, and others deny their weaknesses entirely.

With the growing popularity of the use of CliftonStrengths assessment in the workplace, more are seeing the impact of overused strengths.

After attending a course on personal mastery, it dawn on me that some work on their perceived weaknesses in lightness while others manage their weaknesses begrudgingly.

Out of the reflection, I wrote this article to explore four types of archetypes. It is an attempt to showi how each archetype views personal flaws, deals with weaknesses and the impact on others.

1. The Enlightened: Accepts personal flaws and intentional to manage weaknesses

These individuals recognize that their strengths can become liabilities when overused. They accept their personal flaws and insecurities as part of being human. Rather than making excuses for their mistakes, they consistently seek to refine and grow. They understand deeply that strengths produce results only in the right context. When strengths are used without consideration of the environment and timing, they easily become weaknesses. Therefore these individuals worked hard to grow their self-awareness and adapt to the dynamic environment. 

The Enlightened sees mistakes as learnings and stepping stones to success. There is a lightness when they share about their mistakes and what they have learned.

Example: Meet Arjun, a project leader in a fintech company. His CliftonStrengths Command talent theme makes him a decisive leader especially in high-pressure situations. He doesn’t shy away from challenges and he shines in crisis. He also knows that his Command theme gives him a certain presence, which can often be perceived as intimidating. When feedback revealed that his directness intimidated colleagues, he didn’t just brush it off. He sought coaching, learned how to balance assertiveness with gentleness and care, and became a leader his team trusted rather than feared.

Impact: The Enlightened creates a culture of growth. Their willingness to receive feedback, inspires others to self-reflect and improve. When leaders are in this category, their teams are engaged, motivated, and feel safe.

2. The Insecure: Resists personal flaws but will seek to improve weaknesses

These individuals struggle with admitting their weaknesses—it often feels like a blow to their ego. They do however make effort to change and improve their behaviours but often stops short to do the deeper work.

These individuals might be unaware in how their resistance shows up to others because of their efforts and sincerity to improve on their weaknesses. There is an unconscious belief that when one’s insecurities are surfaced, one will experience some form of shame. The resistance shows up when one’s insecurities are triggered. The instinct is to hide these insecurities.

For many of these individuals, the characteristics are often similar - responsible, hardworking, caring and they might even go the extra mile. However, away from the visible eyes, the behaviours and the pursuit of results are fueled by the need to hide one’s deep insecurities. Resentment, envy and self-doubt are common companions.

Example: Jia Wei, a senior analyst in a Real Estate company, thrives on her Analytical and Maximizer talents. She dissects data with precision but tends to dismiss others’ ideas too quickly because she feels the ideas are lacking in substance. When colleagues pointed out this specific behaviour, her reaction and body language showed her resistance to feedback. She brushes the feedback aside by rationalizing that she is a person with high standards.

After repeated friction with her team, she tries to improve on her communication but becomes increasingly resentful with those who are resisting her. Unknown to her, her resentment spills out in other areas of interactions.

Impact: The Insecure are often strong contributors at work. They pride themselves in delivering results and have strong ego. What frustrates others are often the lack of awareness in interpersonal dynamics. Their insecurities spilled out in team interactions and contribute to the lack of safety in the team.

3. The Deadweight: Accepts personal flaws but ignores weaknesses

These individuals are aware of their weaknesses but make no real effort to change. They accept their flaws as part of who they are and expect others to work around them. They like others to see their strengths and expect others to ignore their weaknesses. Team members are often frustrated because of the additional work to cover for these people’s inadequacies.

Example: Daniel, a senior consultant in a consulting firm, has Ideation and Strategic as his top talents. He’s brilliant at brainstorming new strategies but terrible at execution. He openly admits, “I’m just not a details person,” and continues to miss deadlines. His team constantly has to scramble to cover for his weaknesses. The lack of effort to improve increases frustration and resentment within the team.

Impact: The Deadweight are often guilty of dragging teams down. While their self-awareness is a small step forward, their lack of action forces others to compensate for their shortcomings. Over time, this erodes team trust and lowers productivity.

4. The Blinded: Resists personal flaws and ignores weaknesses

These individuals neither acknowledge nor address their weaknesses. They power through work without self-reflection, often creating frustration and chaos around them. They do not realize strengths are based on context and use their strengths with no consideration to situations.

They blame external factors when environments limit their results and hardly stop to examine themselves. 

Example: Kevin, a regional sales director in the banking sector, has Competition and Achiever as his dominant talent themes. He only focuses on profits and dismisses feedback about his aggressive approach. “Sales is about winning,” he says, ignoring how his cutthroat tactics are driving his team away. His department has the highest turnover rate, yet he remains oblivious, blaming others for being “too weak.”

Impact: The Blinded creates toxic work environments. Their blindness to their flaws leads to very disengaged teams, high turnover, and long-term damage to company culture. The worst part? They often don’t realize the destruction they’ve caused until it’s too late.

Which Archetype might fit you most closely?

Summary: Each person brings strengths as well as weaknesses to any team. At the end of the day, the way we handle our weaknesses impact the people around us. My hope is that this article can be a resource to prompt further reflection.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

What Makes DIfficult Conversations DIfficult?

Imagine sitting at the dinner table, chopsticks in hand, about to tell your parents you’re quitting your very stable job to become a church worker. Or perhaps you need to tell your boss, who has invested so much into you and practically raised you in the company—that you’re resigning to pursue a better opportunity.

Each of these moments carries a familiar tension. The heart beats faster. The stomach tightens. The mind is racing with a thousand “what ifs”.. The mix of anxiety, hesitation, and imagined catastrophe, is exactly what many may experience before a difficult conversation. 

But why? What makes some conversations feel effortless while others feel like crossing a minefield blindfolded? What makes certain feedback sessions or performance conversations feel dreadful?

It comes down to FEAR.

Not the kind of fear that makes us run from tigers, but the kind that whispers “What if?” and creates deep anxiety within us. Beneath the surface, our minds anticipate danger, threats to our relationships, our self-image, or our sense of security. These fears whisper, “Tread carefully,” and before we know it, the conversation has become a daunting, treacherous terrain.

The topic of difficult conversations is a common one. No one enjoys the experience of going into an important conversation feeling like they are walking on a tightrope.

So what makes difficult conversation difficult?

Here are nine commonly hidden fears that make certain conversations feel like an emotional battlefield.

1. Fear of Conflict

Imagine a traditional Chinese family where the eldest son wants to marry someone his parents disapprove of. When he finally gathers the courage to bring it up, his father’s face darkens. His mother lets out a long sigh. “If you do this, you are breaking our family’s heart.”

For many, the idea of confrontation, especially with elders, authority figures, or people we deeply respect, feels unbearable. There’s a deeply ingrained belief in maintaining harmony, even if it means suppressing personal truth. We fear that speaking up will lead to anger, disapproval, or worse, being cast out emotionally. This is one of the most common fears that creates the perception that a certain conversation is going to be extremely difficult.


2. Fear of Emotional Outbursts

Eva, a young mother of two young kids, finally decides to tell her own mother she needs space from the family’s constant expectations. But as soon as she starts, her mother’s eyes well up. “After all I’ve sacrificed for you, is this how you repay me?”

In Singapore and Asian families in general, certain emotions, especially guilt, disappointment, and sorrow, carry weight. Many of us have seen firsthand how one conversation can turn into tears, shouting, or a long, painful silence. We fear that going into such conversations will create an emotional mess we won’t know how to clean up. It is a picture of a wildly shaken coke bottle being opened - the pressure bursting forth.

This fear is especially real for leaders who face the task of informing subordinates “You have been let go.”


3. Fear of Damaging the Relationship

A husband sits in silence at the dinner table, his heart pounding as his wife sits opposite him enjoying her dinner. All he feels is guilt. He knew he has crossed a line. The weight of that mistake hangs heavy between them, even though she doesn’t know it. He wants to confess, but he hesitates. What if they don’t recover from this setback? What if this single moment, which he deeply regrets, becomes the wedge that drives them apart?

In many Asian cultures, marriage is often seen as a lifelong commitment, where duty and harmony take precedence. The idea of “rocking the boat” with an admission of guilt feels almost reckless. He fears that if he confesses, his wife will be devastated, their bond irreparably damaged, or worse—she will leave him.

So, he convinces himself that keeping quiet is the kinder option. “Why hurt her over something that will never happen again?” he rationalizes. Yet, deep down, he knows that every time she smiles at him with trust in her eyes, he will feel the weight of his unspoken truth.

This particular fear highlights the paradox of difficult conversations: the very thing we fear might break the relationship may actually be the only thing that can heal it. But fear—of pain, of fallout, of losing what we cherish—keeps us silent.

4. Fear of Being Misunderstood

Ling, a project manager sits in a meeting, her hands clasped tightly under the table. Across from her is Peter, a senior colleague. The air between them is thick with unspoken tension. Ling had sent an email to their director highlighting delays in their project. She hadn’t intended to single anyone out. She simply wanted to give an honest update. But Peter, who was responsible for a key part of the project, took it personally. He had since grown distant, his once-friendly interactions replaced by curt replies and a noticeable coldness.

She wants to clear the air, knowing the team works best when there’s trust and open communication. The fear of being misunderstood stops her. 

Communication is tricky. We fear that, no matter how carefully we choose our words, they will be misinterpreted. Our intention won’t be seen, only the impact would be felt. This fear keeps us silent, convinced that speaking up will only make things worse.

A big challenge in difficult conversations isn’t just finding the right words. It’s overcoming the fear that our words will be misinterpreted. 

5. Fear of Losing Respect (and Reputation)

Tom, a senior leader in an MNC, knew that the mistake he made had an impact on this team. He felt a need to apologize to his team, but he hesitates. He has spent years building his reputation as a strong, caring and competent leader. The fear of losing respect was one that occupied his mind the most. 

In hierarchical societies, admitting to a mistake can feel dangerous, especially among men. Research done on marriage relationships showed that generally men need to feel respected while women generally want to feel that they are cared for. For many men, the fear of losing face (面子) and losing respect stops many conversations before they even begin.

For many leaders, these conversations feel like playing a game of Jenga. One wrong move, and the whole tower might come tumbling down. Owning up to a mistake is often a difficult conversation for many male leaders because of the fear that it will lead to a huge loss of respect. For many, this loss of respect reflects a huge loss in the sense of identity. 

6. Fear of Uncertainty

Elsa, a regional sales director, sits at her desk, scrolling through the sales numbers. Sales are down and she knows that there needs to be a conversation with her boss. The uncertainty of the conversation was overwhelming. For her, uncertainty isn’t just about the unknown outcome of the conversation. It’s about losing control over the narrative. She’s spent years proving herself in a male-dominated industry, carefully crafting a reputation as competent and strategic. What if the conversation doesn’t go well, what will that mean for how she’s perceived?

The real fear is stepping into a situation where she can’t control how she’s seen or how the discussion unfolds. The need for control makes the uncertainty of the conversation feels unbearable.

Should she wait? Maybe the numbers will improve. Maybe the boss will bring up the problem first. Maybe she can delay this just a little longer.

Deep down, she knows that the longer she avoids the conversation of the sales performance, the more control she actually loses.

Like stepping into a dark room, we hesitate because we don’t know what’s waiting for us on the other side. Sometimes, the fear of “what might happen” feels scarier than the conversation itself.


7. Fear of Facing Our Own Shortcomings

A young entrepreneur dreads telling his family that his startup has failed and he had lost a huge sum of money. He had spent a long time convincing his family back then that starting the business will be the best choice for him. He knows his parents will be disappointed. But what he was really afraid of was confronting his own feelings of failure.

Difficult conversations often shine a spotlight on the things we don’t want to face about ourselves. Whether it’s admitting failure, acknowledging a past mistake, or confronting an uncomfortable truth, sometimes the hardest part of a conversation isn’t the other person’s reaction. It’s dealing with our own shame or self-judgment.

Often, difficult conversations have a sneaky way of turning the mirror back on us. We may start off focused on a particular topic or person, but suddenly, we’re confronted with our own blind spots, biases, or mistakes. This fear keeps many of us from engaging in such conversations. Deep down, we’re not just afraid of what they’ll say; we’re afraid of what we’ll see.


8. Fear of Disappointing Someone

Darius has decided to reject a scholarship offer. Instead, he chose to stay in Singapore to pursue a startup with his friends. It’s a risky move, but it excites him in a way that the academic path never did. He sits in his room, wondering how to break the news to his parents.

He can already picture the look on his mother’s face - the quiet sigh, the subtle drop in her shoulders. She won’t yell or argue, but her silence will say everything. “After everything we’ve done for you, this is what you choose?”

Darius fears the weight of that unspoken disappointment, the feeling of letting down the people who have sacrificed so much for him. In many Asian families, where expectations for success and stability are deeply ingrained, the fear of disappointing parents, mentors, or elders can be more paralyzing than outright conflict.

This particular fear stems from a deep desire to meet expectations, maintain approval, or avoid feelings of guilt or inadequacy. When we anticipate that our words or decisions might let someone down, we may hesitate to engage in the conversation altogether, fearing a loss of trust, respect, or emotional connection.

9. Fear of Being Disappointed

Ellie takes a deep breath before knocking on her director’s office door. She has spent weeks preparing for this conversation—gathering data, structuring her arguments, rehearsing every possible response. She has decided that she is finally going to address the toxic work culture in their department.

She knows that if things don’t change, more people will leave. But as she steps inside, the fear of being disappointed creeps into her head.

The fear isn’t just about having the conversation—it’s about investing emotional energy into something that may not lead to real change. 

What if this conversation changes nothing?
What if he nods, listens, but ultimately dismisses her concerns?
What if, despite all her efforts, the long hours, the unspoken expectations, and the toxic culture continue—just as they always have?

In many workplaces, employees hesitate to speak up because they worry their voices won’t matter. It’s not just the fear of rejection—it’s the fear of hoping for something better, only to be let down.

Ellie knows that if she walks out of that office with nothing but empty assurances, she will have to decide: does she keep fighting, or does she accept that this is just the way things are?

And that’s the deeper fear—the fear that we may have to accept what we cannot change.

Summary: Many of the fears listed above are intertwined. It’s often a combination of fear that one struggles with. The aim of this post is to create greater awareness of what we struggle with.

The fears don’t have to stop us. Every human being struggles with fear. Wrestling with fear is what makes us human. The desire for this post is for us to notice the voices of fear in our heads that make conversations difficult.

“We can only intervene effectively when we can see clearly.”

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

EXPLORING IDENTITY - Five Ways to Uncover Your True Self

“Be Your True Self”

Have you ever wondered what these four words mean? I have. And these are my thoughts.

“Being my true self” means consciously choosing rather than conforming to the cultural norms in the face of challenges. It is often easier said than done. The struggle with making choices that represent who we are and what we truly want usually becomes apparent when we are at the crossroads. At the crossroads, the moods and emotions we find ourselves in are usually associated with frustration, anxiety, fear, or resentment. In these moods and emotions, our choices might not necessarily reflect what we truly want.

There is also the struggle with dilemmas when we explore this idea of Self. Let me explain.

It can be a struggle to find coherence. When I look deep within, I often see a deceitful heart. I have multiple desires—tight-knit family, healthy life, spiritual depth, well-paying job, career fulfilment, vocational expertise, financial freedom, close community of friends - and some deep desires, as many of you might imagine, are inherently incompatible.

I often experience tension when a particular situation requires me to choose one desire to the exclusion of another. I have realized that going down this path of looking within makes me experience more burden than freedom.

It is a constant struggle to stay grounded.

I’m now in my mid-forties; I recall looking back at my thirty-year-old self, It felt like my life then was filled with dark moments. I was more reactive. I was more insecure. I recalled thinking what an idiot I was and how I needed to mature emotionally. Funnily, I remembered looking back at my twenty-year-old self when I was in my thirties, convinced I needed to be more mature in my life choices. If I looked even further back—myself at twenty, examining my teenage life—the desire for maturity already existed. Despite learning intentionally from my life experiences and striving to “be my true self,” the results were painfully consistent.

Perhaps history has proven that looking inwardly, and listening to my heart, might not necessarily be the wisest or most robust way to mature into being.

And so here lie the big questions:

Who am I? What is my identity? What is my true self? How does one explore this idea of “being one’s true self”?

As a pilgrim, unsure of what the pilgrimage holds for me, I would like to share five ideas I’ve integrated from authors and coaches I have interacted with. I credit Brene Brown, Tim Keller, Peter Block, James Clear, and Marcus Marsden for the insights they bring through their books and podcasts. The five areas are interconnected but presented distinctly. I hope these five ideas might meet those on a similar journey, and invite refreshed perspectives and new considerations.

(1) Label

Identity is a label that gives us a way to think, feel, and behave in a particular context. I can be a father, a son, a worker, a leader, a Singaporean, etc, and these roles can exist simultaneously.

Have you noticed how you usually introduce yourself to others?
What Is the default way you introduce yourself?
Have you noticed that your self-introduction is the "label" you have put on yourself?

You might find this a familiar process - multiple attempts of rehashing your self-introduction, verbally or in written form. This process makes us wonder - “How do I want to be known?”

An identity crisis can happen when we discover that the predominant label we give to ourselves is no longer relevant. For example, if I brand myself as a Marketing Director in both work and social settings, losing that job might create a sudden dissonance. The way I introduce myself to others now needs to be different. That can be disorienting.

Sometimes, not knowing how to engage an audience from an identity standpoint can lead to awkwardness. Awkwardness is the emotion made apparent when one does not know the identity to engage appropriately in a given context. The context could be a first date. It could be interacting with someone from a very different social status. Knowing our true self requires the skill of discernment - understanding (the hat to wear, the role to play) to engage effectively and authentically in a given context.

A suggestion is to practice introducing yourself in new ways. Notice your ability to describe yourself authentically and comfortably.

(2) Belonging

Our identity is often rooted in our sense of belonging. It is naming a community we belong to. I am a Singaporean. I am a student of XYZ school. I am an employee of company ABC. I am a member of a particular religious organization. I am a supporter of BCM football club. Wherever I go, I carry these associations—these identities—within me. We connect ourselves to people in these communities of belonging. Some called these communities their “tribes”. This identity helps me to understand with whom I can have solidarity, and with whom I might have conflict. The stronger the sense of belonging, the stronger I feel about my identity.

The key questions to answer:
- What are the communities I will identify myself with? What tribe do I belong to?
- What are the values I embody by being part of these communities?

Knowing our true self means naming the communities to which we belong. When we do so, we shape our values and boundaries in alignment with these communities.

(3) Human Operating System

Our identity is grounded when we have clarity of our human operating system. Essentially, the human operating system is a recurring set of thinking, emotional, behavioral, and conversational habits shaped by and exercised in our aggregated life experiences. We derive our strengths, motivations, fears, and emotional triggers from these habits.

Profiling tools are popular for this reason—they help to give people a sense of themselves through the data received. Across the world, coaches use profiling tools to help people derive the language to describe the human operating system. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths profiling tool.

Knowing our true self means understanding our human operating system.
- What are my strengths and weaknesses?
- What motivates and drives me even when no one is looking?
- What are my deep fears and insecurities that I have to overcome regularly?
- What are my boundaries? What kind of behavior by others will trigger me to react?

Answering these questions helps us to be more grounded.

A side note: we often get into situations where we are required to think, feel and behave unnaturally, as part of the adaptive process. This is usually evident when we pursue growth and expansion of Self.
For example - a more introverted person is required to be more assertive in a particular work context. Those with a fixed mindset might have internal thoughts that shout out “This is not me”. Those with a growth mindset embrace the discomfort as part of their growth.

(4) Core Sense of Self - Values

Our identity is grounded when we understand the Core Sense of Self. The core is the unchanging self across multiple contexts. This core is a set of values and beliefs that remain constant and true of us in every setting. Some might describe them as convictions. I found this model by Marcus Marsden helpful in deepening my understanding.

The outermost layer constitutes my preferences. These include my desire to visit Japan for a holiday or have chicken rice weekly for lunch.

The next layer contains my duties and best practices. These include my duties as a citizen of Singapore, my daily routines and practices such as swimming three times a week and going for a walk after dinner.

The third layer houses my principles - doing what I have promised others, being humble and courageous to admit my mistakes, giving my best effort even when no one sees what I do and actively forgiving those who have hurt me.

The innermost layer is where my core convictions reside - loving God wholeheartedly and joyfully as a Christian, loving and serving my wife and children sacrificially.

Knowing our true self means naming and knowing what we might put into each of these circles, especially the third and innermost layers. The Core Sense of Self is derived from understanding what we consciously hold as our principles (third layer) and our convictions (the innermost layer).

(5) Sense of Worth

Finally, our identity is grounded when we know our Sense of Worth. This sense of worth imbues us with significance and creates our value in society. It is an assessment we hold, one that we build from a young age. The sense of worth comes from having a deep sense of being loved and accepted. Love and acceptance from our family and community play a strong part in cultivating a sense of worth. The stronger our sense of worth, the more confident and grounded we become.

As a coach, I observe that this is an area of struggle for many. Growing up, we often suffer trauma that diminishes our sense of worth. For some, the trauma comes from experiencing family brokenness. For some, the trauma comes from labels - stupid, slow, fat, or ugly, just to name a few. For some, the trauma comes from abuse.

The sense of worth can be severely impacted because of the shame we experienced in our childhood. We struggle to accept ourselves. We act out of our insecurities. We retaliate. We bully. We blame. We manipulate. Deep down, we feel fragile. We struggle with self-acceptance. We choose to self-protect to avoid getting hurt.

Author Brene Brown calls the act of self-protection “armouring”. When we start to practice armouring, our identity becomes a blur and we struggle to get a good grasp of our self-worth.

Knowing our true self is an intentional process of deepening our sense of worth. For many, this process becomes a spiritual journey. Some seek to follow a Higher Being. Some seek spiritual practices. I started seeking spiritual growth when I was around 17 years old. In my brokenness, I saw a void that needed to be filled. I eventually decided to follow Christ after being touched and convinced by His love and His ways. 

Seeking a sense of worth is not the same journey for everyone. For me, the result of following Christ helps me experience the sense of being loved and accepted. The ongoing learning process includes (but is not limited to) opening up my heart to love and receive love despite the risk of getting hurt. Instead of practicing armouring, I choose to practice vulnerability (with wisdom). I learn to exercise self-compassion and seek forgiveness when I make mistakes. I learn to practice accountability in how I live my life. I learn to exercise humility (not overplaying or downplaying our significance). As I grow and make progress, I learn to practice empathy and compassion towards others. So being my true self means to imitate the life of Christ and to live out the identity bestowed.

Back to the question: Who am I? What is my true self?

Rather than just a vague act of looking within, I hope these five alternative ideas provide a deeper framework to explore this philosophical question. Let me know if you’ve practiced or come across other ideas too—I will be glad to learn.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

How Shame Shows Up in the Workplace

This article is a follow-up to the previous article - The Effects of Shame and Honor Culture. I have written this to spotlight the shame language and behaviors to help readers better relate with the emotional habit of shame.

So how does shame show up in the workplace?

The easiest way to spot might be through our language. In the mood (imagine mood as an emotional habit) of shame, one might use words to shame others. This is often observed when one is in anger and rage. The language of shame often has the effect of assaulting another person’s character and diminishing another person’s self-worth. This way of speaking (shaming others) is usually quite invisible to the speaker. When I realized I was using such language at work and home, it was a big ah-ha moment. The tonality plays a part too. In the mood of shame, our tones tend to be aggressive or passive-aggressive.

Here are some examples of shame language:

"Why can't you just get this right?"
This phrase implies that the other person is failing at something simple, potentially creating feelings of inadequacy in that person. 

"This should have been easy for you, right?”
This phrase suggests that a task should be easy and implies one should be ashamed when there is a struggle.

“Are you stupid or what?”
This phrase attacks the person who made the mistake and implies that the person is of lesser value.

"You always seem to mess this up."
Using "always" can make a person feel like they are perpetually failing, leading to a sense of worthlessness.

"Even [Name] can do this, why can't you?"
We often hear this used in parenting. This phrase also shows up in the workplace as well. Comparing someone’s performance to another can create feelings of inferiority and shame.

"You're not cut out for this."
Such phrases (especially when used by managers) directly question a person's capabilities, potentially leading to deep feelings of shame. Rather than adopting a growth mindset and working on developing a person’s skills, we choose judgment and write someone off.

"Which part of these simple instructions do you not understand?
This phrase can make someone feel like they are a burden or incapable of understanding, triggering shame.

"Why are you so emotional?”
This question can easily invalidate feelings and make others feel weak or ashamed of their emotional responses. In the workplace, it is often used to label and shame women. 

As you read these examples of the shame language, I invite you to pause and notice your responses. 

Five Possible Observed Behaviors connected to a Mood of Shame.
Besides the use of language, there are behaviors closely connected to shame. Here are five areas to observe. These observed behaviors can be on either end of a spectrum.

Self-Confidence
In a mood of shame, one might avoid feedback for fear of judgment. Self-confidence might be very low. There is a reluctance to share ideas and thoughts in meetings for fear of being judged, ridiculed, or rejected. On the opposite spectrum, a person swimming in shame shows up as super confident and knowledgeable, as an expert in a particular field. The deeper fear, experienced by such a person in shame, is to be seen as inadequate. A person swimming in shame often struggles with imposter syndrome because of the deep fear of inadequacy. 

Performance Standards
In a mood of shame, one can be extremely risk averse, avoiding new opportunities, promotions, or challenges. The whole idea is to play safe when delivering work performance. There is a deep-seated fear of failure and the feelings of shame that might follow. One might also be constantly procrastinating because of the fear of making mistakes. On the opposite spectrum, one might strive for extremely high standards to avoid any possibility of criticism. There is an unquenchable drive towards perfectionism. The feeling of inadequacy pushes one to feel there is a need to prove to others that "I'm good enough".  

Social Interactions
In a mood of shame, one might avoid social interactions for fear of being judged. The fear is showing up as socially awkward and inauthentic. The internal thoughts of “Am I cool enough? Am I smart enough? Can I fit into this group? Will the people like and accept me for who I am?” often create a lot of anxiety and worry. On the opposite spectrum, one swimming in shame might be Mr or Ms “Popular”. Life looks like a popularity contest. Such a person might be involved in excessive people-pleasing. There is a constant need for approval by others, driven by a desire to be liked and accepted. There is a strong view that self-worth is closely tied to external validation.

Responsibilities
In a mood of shame, there is a deep fear of saying "yes" because of the feeling that "I am not good enough." There is a desire to stay invisible to others and not take up responsibilities. This deep fear of being judged also silences one’s voice. Such a person ends up resisting by being passive-aggressive. There is a view that it is not good to express one’s true feelings directly for fear of being hurt. On the polar opposite spectrum, one might overcompensate the fear of being judged and say "yes" to every request, even at the expense of one’s well-being. There is a drive to keep taking on responsibilities to prove one’s worth and avoid feelings of inadequacy. There is a refusal to say no due to a fear of disappointing others. This often leads to burnout and resentment. 

Dealing with Criticisms
In a mood of shame, one might be extremely self-critical and engage regularly in negative self-talk. There is an over-focus on one’s weaknesses. The negative self-talk often reinforces the lack of self-esteem and becomes a vicious cycle. There is a deep belief that “I am unworthy and lousy.” One might say “sorry” repeatedly to others to the point of habit. It is a way of preemptively defending against potential criticism. On the opposite spectrum, one over-inflates the ego to survive the constant feeling of inadequacy. The focus is on retaining the big ego to protect the fragile inner self. One might practice shifting blame onto others as a protective mechanism to avoid being judged for making mistakes. It’s never “my mistake”. Mistakes happen because of the failures of others. Such a person with a huge ego might also be prone to taking criticism very personally. This leads to emotional outbursts, often disproportionate to what is being said. There is hyper-sensitivity to others’ opinions and a constant worry about what others might think. 

In summary, shame shows up subtly. The language and behaviors of shame are often “accepted” as a norm in a society steeped in the culture of shame and honor. They are common in the workplace and at home, especially when parents and leaders are under stress and in challenging situations. These behaviors unfortunately pass on from generation to generation. 

As an observer and also a participant in the shame culture, my hope is for shame to loosen its hold. We need to play up the power of honor and dignity. 

Written by Victor Seet
Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. Victor coaches teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. He intentionally integrates the strengths-based approaches and emotional agility into his team and 1-1 coaching and facilitation workshops.