The Body Remembers
We often think of the past as something we can recall.
A memory. A story. Something we can describe if we try hard enough. But much of our past does not live in our thoughts. It lives in our body. It shows up in ways we do not always understand.
A sudden tightness when someone raises their voice.
A sense of hesitation when we are about to speak up.
A need to explain ourselves, even when no one is asking.
These reactions can feel immediate, almost automatic. Before we have time to think, the body has already responded. And sometimes, we are left wondering, “Why did I react like that?”
I see this most often in my marriage. A comment made by the spouse could lead to a disproportionate reaction from me.
We tend to explain these moments logically.
“I’m just tired.”
“It’s been a long day.”
“The person was being difficult.”
And sometimes, those explanations are true. But more often than not, they are incomplete. Because the intensity of our reaction does not always match what is happening in front of us.
Something small happens, but our response feels big.
Something neutral happens, but we feel defensive.
Something simple is said, but we feel the need to withdraw.
It is as if the body is responding to more than just the present moment.
What the Body Has Learned
In Singapore, many of us grew up in environments where certain ways of being were expected.
Respect authority. Do not talk back. Do not make unnecessary trouble. Follow the rules.
These are not wrong. They have helped many of us move through life in structured and predictable ways.
But over time, the body learns.
It learns when it is safer to stay quiet. It learns when speaking up leads to discomfort. It learns how to brace, how to adapt, how to fit in.
And the thing about learning like this is that it does not disappear just because we grow older or wiser. It does not disappear after a conflict, even when we choose to forgive.
In many moments, when facing a boss, a loved one, or even a difficult conversation, the body responds first. Not because we have consciously chosen it, but because something in us recognises the situation.
A bit like taking the MRT during peak hour. Even before the train arrives, our body already knows what to expect - where to stand, when to move, how to position ourselves to get in. We do not think about it. We just do it.
In the same way, the body has been “practising” for years. Practising how to respond. Practising how to protect. Practising how to belong.
So when a familiar situation appears, the body does not wait for analysis. It acts intuitively.
It is a kind of intelligence rather than a flaw.
Patterns We Call “Who We Are”
The body is trying to take care of us, using what it has learned. But sometimes, what it has learned is no longer useful for who we are today.
The body that helped us navigate school may not serve us in leadership.
The body that helped us avoid conflict at home may limit us in our relationships now.
The body that helped us “keep the peace” may come at the cost of being honest.
And yet, the body continues to act because it has not been updated.
The difficulty is that we often relate to these reactions as just who we are - “I’m not the kind who speaks up. I’m just bad at difficult conversations. I’m naturally like that.”
But what if these are not fixed traits? What if they are patterns the body has learned over time? Patterns that once made sense. Patterns that once protected us. Patterns that we are now outgrowing.
Noticing these patterns is about becoming aware of how this intelligence still lives in us and how it might be incoherent with who we want to become.
These patterns appear in small moments - the message we rewrite multiple times before sending, the conversation we avoid, even though we know it matters, the tasks we dislike doing and procrastinate on.
On the surface, these look like everyday behaviours. And if we are willing to stay curious, even for a moment, we might begin to notice something more.
Not a clear story. Not a full explanation. Just a sense that this reaction feels familiar. As if we have been here before.
A Different Kind of Listening
This is where a different kind of listening begins. In ontological coaching, this is called “listening to the body”. It is listening for the pattern in how our body reacts.
Not asking, “What should I do?” but gently wondering, “What is my body remembering here?” Sometimes, nothing obvious comes up. But the act of noticing itself starts to create space.
We might start to notice that small gap between what we feel and how we automatically respond. And in that gap, something new becomes possible.
We may still feel the urge to speak, but choose to listen a little longer. We may still feel the urge to judge, but choose to remain curious a little longer. We may still feel the urge to withdraw, but stay present just a bit more.
And over time, the body does what it has always done. It learns again through new experiences.
Experiences where speaking up does not lead to rejection, but to new possibilities. Experiences where honesty does not break the relationship, but leads to deeper trust. Experiences where slowing down does not mean getting less done, but allows for deeper connection with others.
These moments begin to reshape what the body expects.
Perhaps this is part of the work - to recognise that we are not just thinking beings, but embodied beings. That our way of being today is shaped not only by what we believe, but by what we have lived through. And that change is not only about new ideas, but new embodied experiences.
And in noticing that, we begin to shift from conceptual self-awareness to embodied self-awareness. Perhaps that is the real question - not just "Who am I?" but "What is my body still remembering?"
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Written by Victor Seet
Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops.
