Taking Ownership of Our Emotions
Have you felt defeated by your resentment, by your anger, by your anxiety and worries? In this article, Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet writes about his own painful realisation and what he now aspires to do - help others take ownership of their emotions.
I was asked recently: “If there is one thing I will want to teach my 3 kids now, what will it be?”
The first thing that came to my mind was to take ownership of our emotions. In simple terms, that means to regulate our emotions. My instinctive response came out of two incidents that happened recently. On one occasion, my eldest son who is turning nine, went into a fit of anger and could not control himself. He was breathing very fast and heavily and gritting his teeth very tightly. His body was very tensed up and he was shaking On another occasion, my younger son who was six, had the same behaviour when he threw a fit.
Why Ownership?
As I reflected about what happened to my children, I became aware that for a large part of my life (till I was 40?), I had no idea that I could take ownership of my emotions. I see emotions as something that “happened” to me. I certainly did not see emotions as something I could learn to regulate or manage. I was one of those who have been guilty of blaming others or circumstances for how I felt. I was one of those who played the victim card as a convenient way to manage the discomfort I was experiencing. I was one of those who hate to admit that I struggled to cope with failures and rejections. The result was that negative emotions usually get the better of me in these circumstances. I go through life believing that emotions are happening because of what others or circumstances are doing to me. I do not have a sense that I could own my emotions. I am easily resentful, easily angered and easily frustrated. I could not deal with my outbursts. Others around me suffered as a result. In a nutshell, I am used to giving power away rather than taking ownership of how I am feeling.
The point I’m making is that things outside of us (circumstances or people) can make us feel anything until we take control of our own emotions. What I have learnt is that the sufferings caused by our negative emotions can be greatly reduced. We can take back control of our emotions rather than give away power. In fact, it is possible to be masterful of our own emotional state with continuous practice of good habits. And the result can be a very different life we can live. Unfortunately, until we accept this truth, we will be victims. Victims of circumstances. Victims of what others are doing to us or saying to us. Taking ownership of our emotions is the pathway to stop being victims.
Taking ownership is a developmental step.
The important thing is to realize that a step has to be taken. I have observed as a life coach that this awareness does not come easily to many people. Like what I have mentioned earlier, emotions are often perceived as “what happens to us”. We can be unconscious of the idea that we can take control of our emotions. Often it takes a lot of pain and suffering for one to eventually declare “I have had enough. I want to get hold of my emotions. I want to change.” The most transformative moment starts to happen - when one realized that there is a step to be taken and something can be done. In ontological coaching, we call this a “break in transparency or a breakdown”. This break in transparency causes people to wonder “why are all the sufferings happening? And can we do something about the sufferings?”
It is possible for people to go through their lives without declaring any breakdowns. Without declaring breakdowns, we will not ask ourselves those questions that can potentially transform us. For me, those questions started to surface during my mid life crisis. What's going on? Why am I increasingly dissatisfied with life? What's the point of pushing so hard? Why am I more resentful? Why do I react more in anger or impatience? Why am I languishing? Is this just who I am or is there something I can do to change? I thought I was doing all the things that I really ought to be doing, but I'm still suffering in some way. Why?
I invite you to reflect: “Could you identify with some of my thoughts? Were they familiar to you? In your pain and suffering, do you feel lost? Do you look for somebody to blame?”
It's my boss’ fault. It’s this particular colleague. It’s my spouse. It’s the pandemic. It’s the government.
The key question we need to be concerned about: “Are others doing this to us or do we have the power to change our emotional state?” There’s a real trap that exists. If we put the blame on somewhere else, we are victims and the power over our lives lie with someone else. We have no control when we give power away.
We do not have to deny how we feel.
If we interpret that others are behaving badly, our emotions will be affected by our thoughts. Our emotions are real. No one likes to be bullied, or retrenched or criticized etc. Yet, there is a truth that we can grasp. The truth is that we have control over our own body, emotions and thoughts. If we can simply accept this truth, our lives will change. We have the power to take ownership when we feel that the emotions are bringing us pain. We do not need to give the power away.
Taking back ownership is the point where our lives can be transformed. When we start to take back ownership, we move from ignorance into those periods of suffering or painful moments and we can start to learn about ourselves. We can learn how we respond. We can learn how to make meaning of the sufferings. We can learn what the emotions are doing to us and if those emotions are serving us. We can learn how we can overcome the effects of the negative emotions and how we can adapt. The essence is that we don't have to let emotions get the better of us. Misery is optional. We don't have to do resentment or anxiety or fear over and over again. We do not have to remain powerless.
It’s ownership that makes the difference.
We can all engage productively with our emotions. We can take responsibility and learn to control how we respond rather than react. We can step out of victimhood. We can step out of the space that says “I’m an impatient person, I’m an angry person, I’m resentful or I’m easily anxious”.
We can practice new habits of becoming. We can become kind. We can become patient. We can become compassionate. We can become stronger in our inner capacity. When we take ownership of our emotions, our lives will grow tremendously. The lives of others around us will be impacted tremendously.
Back to the story of my boys.
On each occasion, I brought my angry son into a room first. I assured him that being angry and upset is normal and taking responsibility of his emotions is very important as well. I demonstrated how he can calm down by breathing in and out very slowly and in a rhythm. I get him to practice and gave him space to do that by leaving the room. Now, both my sons understood how they can calm down. I have seen them doing that on other occasions and they are starting to practice emotional regulation. They might not understand the idea of taking ownership yet but I believe the regular practice will help them grow and develop.
Continue Reading:
Ready to shift the emotional patterns holding you back? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Working with Emotions in Coaching
Many might think working with emotions belong to the work of counsellors and therapists. Working with emotions in coaching might sound strange for some. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet writes about why and how can a coach work with clients in the areas of their emotions.
As an ontological coach, I love working with my clients on their moods and emotions. That wasn’t always the case when I started out as a coach. I needed to learn how to work with my own emotions and be comfortable with them.
There are probably different ways you can define emotions if you plough through books, research work, online articles. This article isn’t about defining what emotions are. Rather, this article is written to share coaching distinctions and how you (regardless of whether you are a coach) can work with others about their emotions.
The three coaching distinctions I hope to share about emotions are feeling, expressing and naming.
1.What is feeling an emotion and how does this help a client?
Feeling an emotion helps us understand and distinguish what is happening on the inside of us. In simple terms, when we “feel” an emotion, we receive a message from our body and brain. Feeling an emotion allows us to notice that an emotion exists within and it is “messaging” us. Feeling and noticing our emotions therefore is the first step to be conscious and be aware there is something in the background that affects our thoughts, decisions and ultimately our quality of life. Feeling an emotion can be physiological in many ways. You will have heard terms like butterflies in the stomach, the nausea of disgust, the heaviness of sadness, the fast pounding heartbeat of terror and horror, the flushed cheeks of embarrassment and the lightness of joy. It is worthwhile noting that we cannot change what we don’t notice. Denying or avoiding feelings doesn’t make the emotions go away.
A coach might ask:
How are you feeling right now as we are talking?
When you feel this way, what facial expression do you notice you have?
What are some things you notice about your body in terms of tension, lightness, pain, heat, tightness etc?When you feel this way, what are your internal narratives or hidden thoughts?
2. What is expressing an emotion and how does this help us?
Expressing an emotion helps us to communicate to others and letting others know the state we are in. Examples of expressing our emotion include letting the tears flow, gritting our teeth, literally laughing out loud etc. By expressing our emotions, we can better manage even the most difficult of emotions. That helps us to receive support, relieve stress and deepen our emotional intimacy with others. I will add that expressing our emotions at the right time and to the right people does require wisdom (we shall not discuss this here). It is also often said that the most common unexpressed emotions in the workplace revolve around suffering.
A coach might ask:
How much freedom do you give yourself in expressing your emotions?
Whom do you usually express your emotions to?
Are there certain emotions you will not express? Why?
What might stop you from expressing your emotions?
3. What is naming an emotion and how does this help us?
Naming help us to identify what we are feeling and allow us to make choices about what to do with them. Being able to name or label our emotions can have the effect of lessening the burden or reducing the hold that the emotion has on us. There is a distance that is created once we can name the specific emotion. An individual can now separate the emotion from the person and identify the emotion as “it”. When we put feelings into words, we are essentially hitting the brakes on our emotional responses. This ability to create a distance then empowers us to choose how to respond rather than react. In my own research as a coach, I found that there are studies that show that people who could name or label their emotions could perform better than those who could not name their emotions.
A coach might ask:
What adjectives come to mind if you are to describe how you feel?
Are there any picture, analogy, metaphor, cartoon character or story that might be helpful to describe your emotion?
What will be an emoticon that you will choose to represent how you feel?
Conclusion: You might be curious: Why does a coach (like myself) explore with clients about their emotions?
Our emotional state profoundly influences our well-being and performances at work. It can be very helpful to view emotions as tools in our toolbox. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, resentment aren’t necessarily bad. They can actually produce positive results when we know how to direct them. For example, fear is the emotion that helps us drive safely on the road (though this is so obvious that we miss it).
Emotions can be dangerous when we have little awareness of what these emotions are doing and how they can become destructive. By helping a client learn now they feel, express and name emotions, a coach is effectively helping a client take responsibility and ownership for these emotions. This process empowers a client to make decisions to improve their well-being and performance. This is why I love coaching. #justsaying
Continue Reading — The Ontological Coaching Series:
Interested in experiencing ontological coaching firsthand? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Family Conversations
Do you desire for a deep and open conversations with your loved ones at home? Imagine a rich conversation taking place in the family about what each other is doing right? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, interviewed a family of five who experienced the transforming power of a coaching conversation over their CliftonStrengths results.
It has been known that one of the key benefits of using the Gallup CliftonStrengths tool is that of enhancing relationships. Backed by 50 years of research, CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) provides a science to why people intuitively behave in a certain way - it is discovered that the motivation behind human behaviour can be greatly attributed to a person's unique talents. The CliftonStrengths tool measures the presence of talents in each individual and empowers people to understand themselves and grow in self-awareness.
As a coach, I intentionally employ the CliftonStrengths tool for organizations, schools as well as for families and individuals. Using a guided approach, I facilitate strengths-based conversations to co-create rich and fruitful dialogues, which are often missed out in the hurriedness of work and life. After going through a session of Strengths-Based coaching, the Lo family from Singapore kindly agreed to do an interview and share their individual experiences of the family coaching session.
A short introduction of the Lo Family: James, father of the household, is a Singaporean businessman while Ai Ling, mother, is a homemaker who has recently completed a post-graduate course in Counselling. The eldest sibling, Samantha, works as a manager while the middle child in the family, Chrystella (known affectionately by all of them as La), works as a counsellor. Youngest of the siblings, Jonathan, is looking to complete his degree in business, studying in Singapore. The Lo family hopes that through this short interview, more families in Singapore as well as across the globe will be encouraged to understand each member's unique talents and experience a breakthrough in their relationships.
1) HOW DID THE SESSION HELP YOU TO KNOW YOUR FAMILY BETTER?
James: I now learnt why Ai Ling is so insistent to do things or house work her ways. It’s attributed to her lenses and it’s helpful to understand her top 5. I also never knew that Jonathan has such a strong connection with his Harmony and Relator theme. I now know that his ability to form solid, mutually rewarding relationships is very important to him. I also learnt more about my 2 daughters: Sam is a very private person and that comes from her Deliberative theme. La will stop engaging during family discussions whenever she completed her own analysis of the issue at hand. That comes from her Analytical theme.
AL: I now understand why there are times that Jon and La "switched off" during family conversations. For Jon who has Harmony, I did not know previously that he does not really enjoy listening to lengthy debates and discussions and prefer discussing what we can do as a family together. For La, her Analytical enjoys analyzing different points of views and she is good at that. When there isn't any data to analyze, she switched off during the conversations. I also now understand why my husband with his Restorative theme often prescribes solutions that I don't feel I needed. Understanding that allows me to now be more patient.
La: For me, the session was helpful to provide a platform where family members could reflect on and share their views on how they respond & behave with the family, and why. The session also provided a platform for us to give feedback to each other and discuss ways to support each other better in our interactions. Example for me was when we discussed why my brother would at times zone out during family discussions, and how we can involve him more productively.
Sam: The session helped me to reframe my family's idiosyncrasies as needs behind their talent themes. For example: Mom's impatience as a need for something to be done, and be done quickly. That is her Activator’s need. For La, her Analytical theme requires her to be mentally engaged. If she’s not, she tends to switch off during family discussions.
Jon: The session helped me to put into words the behaviours of my family members and to understand their personalities better. For example I didn't know why sometimes La seems uninterested. I used to think maybe she was just in a bad mood but now I know it’s because of her Analytical theme.
READ: Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages
2) WHAT WAS SOMETHING THAT STOOD OUT FOR YOU DURING THE SESSION?
James: I find it extremely helpful to do this exercise and to understand each other viewpoints. The session which was facilitated by an experienced coach, definitely help to open each other up and create the openness and ability to talk freely.
AL: Our talents need to be moderated to bring out the strengths of the other person so that it is beneficial to all in the family otherwise love becomes loath.
Sam: Talking about how we experience our talents and how those talents sometimes may drive other family members crazy. The conversation made me realized the efforts that each member of my family has made to put aside their preferences to show love to the family. I realized that when I look back at the individuals we were years ago, we have come some way in trying to "tame" our parts of our talents that annoy each other. Also, another thing that stood out was that everyone was trying to understand each other. There was the connecting of the dots - we were piecing together what we have observed of one another, with the new StrengthsFinder language we now have learned to describe each other.
La: What stood out to me was the insights between specific family member interactions, and certain patterns that I have observed in our family. Light was shed on the reason for some of these observations.
Jon: What stood out to me through the conversation was how my family, especially my parents, actually observes a lot about each other. I didn't know that they as well as myself actually notice so much.
3) WHAT WAS ONE PRACTICAL APPLICATION YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE SESSION?
James: For me, I will now refrain from providing solutions to any challenges my family members may have. I now realized that was from my Restorative theme. I will instead do my best to direct them and let them discover their own solutions instead of me quickly providing solutions to their challenges.
AL: I feel that I will not insist that things be done my way and get annoyed when certain things did not happen. Instead I will clarify my needs as well as ask my family members for their rationale behind what they do or don't do.
Sam: I now have gained practical ways to engage La and Jon in our family conversations when they seem to switch off. Also, I’ve learnt that to use the CliftonStrengths language of another person's talents can be powerful in order to better communicate with them.
La: I think I can be more communicative to help my family with other types of talents. Eg. My sister's Responsibility theme and my mother's Activator. I need to communicate that I will do the tasks they have asked me to do and as much as possible to give a timeline. In that way, they will not feel I'm irresponsible or slow.
Jon: For me, I have learnt the importance of the need to understand how my family functions in order to show and appreciate their love in a greater measure.
Ending Thoughts: Every family unit, whether in Singapore or beyond, desires to grow in intimacy and love for one another. Using the CliftonStrengths tool, having Strengths-Based conversations allow family units to go deeper into understanding each person's unique perspectives and further build on the foundation of mutual respect. It is proven that just by having that deeper understanding of each other's perspectives alone can empower an individual to become more patient with family members. We believe that all families should consider using this tool to enhance and develop rich conversations.
Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
First published in 2016.
Updated in 2021.
Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to Resolve Conflicts
Everyone experience conflicts. It is however not necessary easy to resolve conflicts. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, shares how the CliftonStrengths profiling tool can be used for conflict resolutions.
Conflicts are commonplace. While they are never fun, these conflicts can strengthen relationships when properly managed. In this regard, many Singaporeans have asked me how the CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) tool can be used in conflict resolution. It is my view that while the CliftonStrengths tool might not be able to resolve all the challenges faced in conflict management, it does provide a few good handles. This article was written to share how I have integrated my personal leadership experience with the tool.
How do I use CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to resolve conflicts?
1. Recognize that because of our talent themes, we all have different lenses through which we see the world.
Many clashes are caused by differences in perspectives. If we add that to our natural tendency to impose our lenses on others as we interact with the world, we see the two primary reasons why conflicts are commonplace.
CliftonStrengths provides the science behind conflicts by building on the above two reasons. Using this tool, Gallup has shown through research that the probability of two individuals having the same top five strengths in the same order is 1 in 33 million.
This statistic provides the science and demonstrates empirically a fact that no other tool has been able to illustrate: we all see things differently. Conflicts therefore occur when we impose our perspectives (which come from our strengths) on others. The unfortunate thing is that most people impose their strengths on others while remaining unaware that they are doing so.
While it may seem obvious that everyone is different and has different perspectives, the negative emotions generated in a conflict often hinder this understanding. Our emotions are therefore not the best go-to place if we are to resolve conflicts. We need a tool that enables us to dig into our rational mind to counter the negative emotions.
CliftonStrengths as a tool fulfils this purpose. By understanding the science behind conflicts, many begin to understand that most conflicts happen not because of office politics nor personal attacks. These conflicts are simply a result of views imposed onto one another (often without awareness).
Understanding this science therefore empowers us in two areas: it allows us to have an increased capacity to be patient and open-minded with others, which becomes a source of strength to resolve conflicts. It also empowers us to move forward in finding solutions instead of playing the blame game.
2. Ask good questions to decipher why you were upset.
This point is a continuation of the first point. When we are clear on what triggers us, we are able to better manage our emotions. We are also able to strengthen communication by sharing these trigger points with others. To build this self-awareness, we can use the StrengthsFinder tool to better understand ourselves.
Some examples:
If I have the Communication theme, a question to ask myself might be, "What were the specific words spoken that triggered the negative emotions?"
If I have the Analytical theme, a question to ask might be, "What exactly was illogical or hard to accept?"
If I have the Empathy theme, a question to ask might be, "What made me perceived that the person did something unkind or did something that did not take into consideration others’ feelings?"
If I have the Discipline theme, a question to ask might be, "what happened that threw me off-guard and caused me to feel upset?"
3. Seek to reconcile and forgive rather than simply forget.
Many people choose to sweep things under the carpet, believing that the conflicts will eventually be forgotten. I personally would not recommend this approach of conflict avoidance. The fundamental belief of such an approach is that time will heal all wounds. However, I have seen how the seed of distrust will keep on growing unless there is an ability to destroy this seed (through proper conflict resolution).
I believe in taking ownership of the conflict. This requires both humility and courage. It is always easier to blame others, but taking ownership means seeking a way to move the relationship forward. I am a firm believer that relationships can be strengthened from resolving conflicts.
I often advocate the idea that “the individual is more important than the issue.” It takes great humility to consider and value others more than seeking our own rights. The reason that parental love is so powerful is that parents are able to lay down their rights and do what is best for their children, even if it means moving out of their comfort zone. I believe the same idea can be applied towards relationships at work and at home.
READ: DEVELOPING HUMILITY
4. Understand what strengths might have caused the conflict to happen.
When we understand our own strengths, this understanding helps us to grow in maturity. When we understand the strengths of others, this understanding helps us to grow in patience with them and strengthen the relational capacity.
A simple way to discover what strengths are clashing during a conflict is to debrief and ask each other this question after things have cooled down: "Which strengths (in the StrengthsFinder language) do you think caused us to clash?" How?
There was an incident I had a heated argument with Jason, my ex-business partner. Angry words were exchanged, and I found out later that I made a statement during our argument that caused him to be emotionally charged. The statement I made was, "What you did does not build trust." As Jason is a Relator, trust is extremely fundamental to him, so those words I used were cutting. Through our debrief, I learnt about this importance. We agreed that moving forward, "trust" as a word shall be used only for affirmation and to build one another up, rather than in the heat of the moment.
Such debriefs can help us to avoid future conflicts on this topic. Further, the respect and trust we have for one another can be deepened as a result of these debriefs.
Concluding Thoughts: The CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) tool provides the science behind many of the conflicts that happen and it has become a valuable resource to many. It is worthwhile to note that the effectiveness of a tool is largely dependent on how a person uses it. The tool is only powerful in conflict resolution when an individual truly values the relationship and genuinely seeks for a resolution.
Why Complementary Partnerships in Marriage Are Not Enough
Experiencing tension in your partnership with someone? Wondering what started out as a great partnership has now caused some anxiety? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, writes about navigating polarities using the specific example of complementary partnerships.
Extreme cold burns. When we hold an ice cube tightly in our hand, we can feel the burning effect on our skin. This picture illustrates the danger of being overly biased towards a particular viewpoint, to the extent of ignoring other perspectives. That was the pain I faced for oversubscribing to the idea of complementary partnership. Through the therapy sessions I attended together with my wife, I also gained awareness that there was another side of the coin. The therapist named the two sides: "Complementary and Reciprocity".
As an ontological coach and CliftonStrengths practitioner working with couples and teams in Singapore, I've seen this tension play out repeatedly, and it is one of the most important things I help couples navigate.
Complementary and Reciprocity Polarity
Around the same time, I went through a course called "Polarity Thinking". What are polarities, you might ask? Polarities are inter-dependent and seemingly opposite choices or actions. One simple example of a polarity is inhaling and exhaling. Putting two and two together, I reflected and realized that Complementary and Reciprocity is a polarity. This article is about my assessment of this polarity and the learnings I have gained from trying to deal more effectively with the tension presented.
Let me first describe what happened before I share my personal assessment of how I understood this polarity.
Complementary Dynamic
My marriage partnership works in a particular way. My wife and I have our own assessment of each other's strengths and we tend to negotiate the tasks we have to do through these lens. These tasks can range from putting the kids to bed to bathing the kids to buying groceries and ensuring the kids have done their homework. The ownership of these some of the tasks are negotiated and agreed upon verbally. Sometimes, certain tasks are initiated by one party (usually the one who is stronger in that area) who identifies the need to step up and complete the task. Usually, the one who initiates the task will also end up being responsible for the task if it recurs over time. This is an unspoken expectation in our partnership.
What I just described is a complementary partnership, and it is deeply connected to the CliftonStrengths philosophy. CliftonStrengths is built on the belief that people perform best when they operate from their natural talents rather than trying to fix their weaknesses. When couples apply this to their relationship, they naturally divide responsibilities according to who is stronger in each area. It is a strengths-based approach, and it works — up to a point. The limitation is that life is not static. Seasons change, stress increases, and a purely complementary approach can leave both partners feeling unseen and unsupported.
The Tension
This approach seemed great initially because it produced results. However, there was an increasing number of conflicts in our marriage which also seemed to suggest that not all was well. Over the course of time, because of different levels of stress that resulted from the work front, we both began to feel the burden of managing our home. Our family size had also grown and there were a greater number of shared responsibilities. There were days when the resulting stress from work and from home caused either one of us to feel a huge level of burden. On such days, there was a deep desire of wanting the other person to understand the challenges faced and the sacrifices endured to carry out and complete the responsibilities at home.
Such a desire, however, did not align with the complementary mindset (where individuals are responsible for their own tasks and had little understanding and possibly empathy about the challenges and stress that came from tasks that belonged to other parties). The resulting anxiety from the increased stress usually bubbled over into conflicts. New narratives started to develop in our minds: "Why are you not helping me? Why do you leave me to fend for myself? I feel very lonely in this journey."
Sometimes, the other party tries to help. However, since he/she is not good at the task, the results unfortunately are usually compromised. This is expected since the person handling the task lacks competency and experience. In this scenario, another kind of conflict happens as a result:
Person A: "You seemed to be causing more harm than good. I'm now more stressed than before you took over the tasks. In future, I will be better off doing these tasks myself."
Person B: "I'm trying my best to help you with these tasks so that your stress can be reduced. I'm learning to do these things that I am greatly lacking in skills and experience. I have no intention to cause any trouble. Why can't you see that I'm trying my best effort to care for you?"
From a sense of helplessness, the emotion soon became one of frustration and anger. Over time, it became a sense of resignation. These emotions were very real and were felt deeply by both of us.
The Reciprocity Dynamic
The above narrative shows that we attempted to shift (albeit compelled by circumstances) towards the reciprocity dynamic from the complementary dynamic. The reciprocity dynamic (in my assessment) adopts a different kind of mindset: individuals should be well-rounded and have the ability to learn and execute any task. Tasks are mutually inter-changeable. Individuals are seen more as generalists. This dynamic usually empowers individuals to switch roles easily and create the ability to empathize with each other's challenges. In our case, reciprocity means the ability to take on and execute the tasks that usually the spouse is responsible for and meeting the required expectations. Because of our biases toward the complementary dynamic, you can imagine the struggle for us to adapt to the reciprocity dynamic.
Navigating Polarities
The navigation of polarities first starts by acknowledging that the two seemingly opposite ends are quite inter-dependent. In life, because of the different seasons brought about by external changes (such as having a newborn, changing of jobs etc), there is usually a cyclical flow from one end to the other and back. A bias toward one side naturally means there is a resistance when there is a need to shift. The pain and grief produced is often a result of the resistance.
How can we navigate polarities effectively?
We need to be aware of the specific polarity and understand the benefits brought about by both perspectives. Naming the polarity is therefore critical. The therapy session gave this polarity a name and helped my wife and I to gain awareness. From the awareness, we now understand the reciprocity dynamic and the key benefits from operating from that approach when necessary.
There is a need to move past an "either/or" understanding and create a space in which "both/and" thinking can be applied. This is the management of polarities. In my personal context, this is about creating a space where both complementary and reciprocity can be applied to my marriage.
We needed to be intentional in creating opportunities to recreate the cyclical flow (with smaller stakes and therefore less risky implementation). Let me give you an example:
Imagine that my wife plans a short 3 days 2 nights getaway for herself. This vacation can actually become a way to execute a short and manageable shift towards the reciprocity dynamic in our marriage. One of the things I can do is to work out ways in which I can take on her responsibilities while she is away. I can try to do this in advance, rather than trying to find external help in order to outsource all her responsibilities. I can also sit down with her and understand what needs to happen, observe her carry out the tasks and learn from her. Concurrently, she can also learn to impart what she is naturally good at, which would allow me to learn on-the-job and gain experience in fulfilling the task well. If the focus is on imparting for her and learning for me, the result of the task is secondary and less stressful. Both actions by each of us produce a manageable and temporary adoption of the reciprocity dynamic. Eventually, the vacation will come to an end and the flow from reciprocity will shift back towards the complementary. However, the result of such a process is that both parties would have increased their capacity (or range) to navigate this polarity more effectively.
Conclusion:
Navigating the tension between complementary and reciprocity is not about choosing one over the other. It is about developing the range to move between them as the season requires. The couples and teams that do this well are not the ones with the most compatible strengths — they are the ones with the most self-awareness and the willingness to grow beyond their natural preferences.
If you and your partner are navigating this tension in your relationship, I invite you to explore how CliftonStrengths couples coaching can help.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
A Manager’s Guide: Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) in Personal Development
Gallup reports in its research that a manager plays a huge part in determining if an employee will be engaged at work. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, shares how he uses his CliftonStrengths results to grow himself as a manager.
In 2016, Gallup scientists found that managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement across business units. This simply means that managers have a lot of influence on an employee’s performance and engagement level. Gallup also reports that strengths-based interventions can result in a 9-15% increase in employee engagement.
In short: empowering managers to focus on their strengths and the strengths of their teams is key in increasing employee engagement.
As a Gallup-Certified CliftonStrengths Coach and manager myself, this is my mandate. I need to:
(1) know and understand my own dominant CliftonStrengths themes,
(2) have ownership of them, and
(3) intentionally aim my strengths towards my goals as a manager.
My leadership belief is to lead by example, and I strongly believe that all influence flows first out of our own personal growth and transformation. I know I’ve made an impact when the team members around me are influenced by the way I choose to lead. This article was written to share about part of the personal journey I have taken to grow myself as a Strengths-Based Manager.
How can a manager use CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) to develop himself?
Step One: Understand Your Dominant Themes as a Manager
I started digging into all the resources I could get my hands on to learn more about my dominant CliftonStrengths themes. I did what the Gallup Strengths Action Report advised me to do: I took a pen and underlined everything that resonated with me in the reports. I watched all the different videos I could find to get a greater understanding of my talent themes. I also scoured the Internet for articles that I felt would aid me in my understanding.
But I have to admit: that whole process was somewhat tedious and challenging for me. Resources were scarce back then. This experience led me to create a bank of resources for managers like myself, who desire to learn and understand more. My hope is that these resources will accelerate the learning process for others.
@@The first step to understanding our talents themes is to reflect on our behaviors, habits and past experiences.@@
For example:
Activator: I realized my Activator gives me the desire to always be on the move and to do things fast. Because of this need for speed and sense of urgency, I am easily upset when my family takes their own sweet time to get ready whenever we’re going for a family outing. I also realized that I enjoy going on drives with my two sons. One of my favorite ways to spend some quality time with them is to take them on bus and train rides, even if there’s no particular destination we have in mind.
Communication: I realized that I am a lot more productive when I can air out my thought processes and share them with others. The process of sharing my ideas sharpens my thoughts. I have often improved on many of my ideas in the midst of sharing them with others (without them giving any input). I now understand how verbal processing works in reality!
Maximizer: I realized that I really struggle a lot when I’m tasked to create something from scratch. That’s because of my Maximizer theme. In contrast, I’m extremely efficient when I’m given a template or something to work with: I can turn the existing materials into a brilliant piece of work.
Strategic: I realized that I inherently enjoy options. I intuitively look for other alternatives and I often refrain from making any decisions when I do not have any alternatives to make comparisons. I enjoy browsing many different websites to compare prices while doing online shopping. I’ll also walk around an entire shopping mall looking for good eateries and comparing options when I’m deciding on where to have a meal.
@@To connect our CliftonStrengths themes to our past experiences is to bring the knowledge from our heads into our hearts.@@ As I reflect on my own life more and more, I begin the journey of claiming and owning my dominant themes in greater measure.
Action Step: Can you connect your CliftonStrengths talent themes to your past experiences, patterns of thought, or habits? Try doing this for each of your top 5 talent themes.
Step Two: Own Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes As a Manager
Taking complete ownership of your CliftonStrengths themes is by no means an easy feat. Ownership comes when we start to accept and view our CliftonStrengths lenses in a positive way. @@Ownership drives us to action.@@ If we dislike our CliftonStrengths themes or are skeptical about them, we won’t be able to aim them toward specific goals we have our work and personal lives.
I’d like to recommend one step that I have personally found helpful in building greater ownership of my strengths: @@Link your CliftonStrengths themes to an identity that you could assume at work.@@
For example, as a person with Activator as my number one CliftonStrengths theme, I see myself as a “Catalyst”. As I read the description of the Activator theme, this idea stands out for me and I know I enjoy working on great ideas by kicking-off projects.
For example, one of the projects I started at work was the Strengths workshops for Couples. The idea came out of a brainstorming session. In my mind, the workshop would be short so as to cater to busy couples in Singapore. Since I had personally experienced a powerful transformation in my own marriage in employing the CliftonStrengths tool, I thought this idea was brilliant. So after the brainstorming session, I immediately set a date for the workshop to happen, booked a venue, and within a month, the first Strengths couple workshop was birthed. It went very well and we have been running these workshops regularly ever since.
Being a Catalyst is an identity that I took ownership of, not just in my professional life but also in my personal life. In church, I saw the benefits of joining a men’s group for mentorship and accountability. Immediately, I rang up a couple of close male friends and we joined the men’s retreat and got connected to other men in church. That allowed us a place to share our career journeys and individual struggles. The support we received was helpful and immediately felt.
This identity of a Catalyst helps me to own my CliftonStrengths Activator theme in a greater measure.
I have also observed how my other colleagues took on different identities that helped them to own certain kinds of work tasks, which in turn helped the team become more productive. When I was leading the team in Strengths School, we have a Creative Designer (Ideation), Researcher (Input), Fashion Consultant (Individualization), Data Analyst (Analytical), Welfare IC (Developer), and so on.
Action Step: Based on your CliftonStrengths themes, what identity can you assume and build greater ownership of in your work role as a Manager?
Step Three: Aim Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes as a Manager
Aiming our CliftonStrengths themes consists of two aspects. The first is understanding the negative impact that our strengths can have on our team members at work. The other is about intentionally connecting our dominant themes with specific, actionable goals tied to broader work outcomes.
Aspect 1: Understanding Our Impact on Others as Managers
As I reflected on the way I’ve led my team in the past, I had a realization: We see the world through our CliftonStrengths lenses. As a manager, I’ve learned that:
I must be aware of the areas I tend to impose my thoughts and decisions on my team. For example, I have a tendency to drive the team to act quickly because I believe that business opportunities are lost when one fails to move quickly. This is linked to my Activator lens. Knowing this at the back of my head empowers me to be patient with others in the team who prefer to think through risks and challenges (such as the Deliberative or Intellection themes). This knowledge pushes me to look for common ground rather than imposing my beliefs on them.
I must be aware of what my natural behaviors are, particularly in times of stress. For example, as someone with Activator, Communication and Command, I know I am prone to immediately responding with raw and emotionally-charged words, usually without thinking. This is especially so when I perceive some kind of aggression coming from another person. Being aware of this tendency empowers me to do two things: firstly, I now have a greater ability to catch myself exhibiting this behavior, especially when I notice the body language and response of my colleagues. This allows me to effectively reduce the damage done as a manager by quickly pulling back this destructive behavior. Secondly, I am now able to explain my tendencies to my team and colleagues and empower them to help me. They know that they can call for a time-out when they sense that the discussion has reached an agitated state. They can also find different ways to calm me down and find out why I feel agitated.
I must be aware of my leadership style and how that relates to my strengths. For example, I am a high risk-taker and I have the propensity to take on projects that bring the team into unchartered territory. Understandably, that often causes a lot of stress on the team. This tendency comes from my Self-Assurance theme. Knowing this helps me to make more effort in explaining the background and reasons on embarking on specific projects as well as hearing the feedback from the team.
Aspect 2: Connecting Our Strengths towards Goals
Aiming our strengths is about intentionally connecting our CliftonStrengths themes with specific, actionable goals tied to work outcomes. Employing the use of SMART goals in aiming our strengths is highly recommended. Careful consideration has to be given when setting these goals. Personal discipline also has to be exercised to stay focused on working out these actionable goals. This is where accountability partners can be of great help. We need reminders and help to stay on track.
Some personal examples of goals I’ve set in the past:
Activator: As a Business development person, my goal was to connect with 50 new organizations within a year and convert 20% of them into clients
Communication: As a Strengths Coach and advocate, share with and influence 2000 people in Singapore and Asia to do the CliftonStrengths profiling assessment within a year
Strategic: As a business owner, get recurring business from 80% of our existing clients within a year
Self-Assurance: As a CliftonStrengths Coach, facilitate one CliftonStrengths workshop in a language other than English, and do it proficiently within a year (I measured this by making sure I scored at least 4 out of 5 in my overall trainer evaluation)
Command: As a leader, do a check-in with each staff on a monthly basis and make sure each person gets clear of “what’s expected of them at work” so that they can deliver the results.
A word of caution here: Ever since I started to aim my strengths towards my work goals, I have faced certain resistance. Some of these challenges were external. For example, a sudden surge in urgent matters demanding my attention. Other times, the challenges were internal. The resistance comes from a sense of fear and doubt in my personal ability (which can be completely irrational in nature). Sometimes, the fear can push me towards shifting the goalpost. Working on our strengths is not as easy as some might imagine to be but it will be rewarding!
Concluding Thoughts: When I made a decision to focus on being Strengths-based, I intentionally share with my team about how I use my CliftonStrengths themes at work. I share about the things that make me tick as a manager and how that relates to my talent themes. I share about my decision-making processes and how my different talent themes inform my decisions. I share my personal reflections on what I feel about my strengths and how I can develop myself. I conduct debriefs to get feedback on how my talent themes value-add to the different projects. I try to get 360-degree feedback to understand which of my strengths hinder me in being a successful manager. I believe firmly that our daily actions, conversations, and lifestyle must show others that we are Strengths-Based Managers.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
The Power of Naming An Emotion
We can only intervene in what we can see. This article is about how the process of therapy had helped to give a name to an emotion which had troubled the writer. That empowered him and brought a change in his marriage.
In the middle of 2019, I took a sabbatical from my coaching work and left my company. One of the main factors behind my decision was the state of my emotional health. At the start of 2019, I had several indications that I was already not doing well emotionally. There were several incidents where I had allowed rage to get the better of me. These emotional outbursts happened at home and at work. However, I told myself that this was a normal phase in life. After all, I was living in a fast-paced and competitive society in Singapore, living a stressful life as an entrepreneur and being a father to 3 young kids.
The Tipping Point
However, by mid 2019, I had to stop telling myself the same narrative. The tipping point was a particular episode I had after a team debrief. As a company, we had just completed our largest training project - in terms of revenue and the number of training participants. The project was especially remarkable because it was birthed out of an innovation. There was no template, no previous experience of such kind and the team pulled it off. To top it off, the feedback from the participants was fantastic. The debrief was intended to celebrate this huge success and to brainstorm ways to overcome operational challenges. Unfortunately, the debrief did not turn out the way I hoped for it to go. Instead, I had an outburst, the brunt of which was borne by some of my team members. Emotionally, I felt horrible. That pain was significant enough to make me dread turning up for work. I eventually decided it was time I do something to address this issue. Stopping work was the first step.
On the home front, my wife and I had been discussing the idea of attending a therapy session together. The discussion started several years ago but we never got down to doing it. In the second month of my sabbatical, there was a particular conflict which we debriefed and reached agreement on. Regarding the state of the marriage: we were getting by but hardly thriving. We reached a consensus and agreed to attend a therapy session together. “Let’s do it.”
Going through Therapy
Based on some recommendations, we chose an organization called Counselling and Care Centre. They assigned a senior therapist to us and fixed a date. The first visit to the therapist was one filled with uncertainty. I had no idea how the session would turn out. Thoughts were flying through my head: “Will there be some deep issues flushed out during our conversation? Am I ready to hear them? What will my reaction be like if the wife said something that I’m not ready to hear? What will her reaction be if I did the same?” In the end, the fears were unfounded. I was relieved when I asked how she felt about the session and her response was a exuberant one. “Therapeutic!”
Naming my Emotion
We attended a few sessions together and we also had individual sessions. The third joint session, in particular, had a deep impact on me. I left that session feeling quite overwhelmed. Some raw emotions surfaced. During the session, I shared some of my feelings of frustration: there were many things I did which I received negative feedback from my wife. I felt I had done my best though. The feedback made me feel like my best was not enough. The therapist had us revisit some of these situations and eventually, my feelings of frustration was named: an emotion of defeat. I suddenly had an awareness that this feeling of defeat was not isolated to the marriage relationship. It was a feeling I had consistently experienced through out my life. I assessed that this emotion was what contributed to some of my worst outbursts.
READ: WHAT IS MY HEALTH WORTH?
I remembered feeling defeated when I was young. I scored an own goal in a soccer match and at the end of the match, I was ridiculed and laughed at. That experience left a stigma. I also remembered feeling defeated when I was learning to play a particular board game. I was thrashed by my opponents and humiliated. I felt utterly beaten. In the more recent years, I remembered feeling defeated when I was passed up for a promotion. The feeling of not being good enough for a promotion despite giving my best was very very strong. I remembered that particular incident made me depressed for a month. The most poignant realisation was identifying this same feeling of defeat at the team debrief which I mentioned earlier. That feeling of defeat ultimately led me to taking a sabbatical break. I remembered feeling that I had given my best to serve the team and led the team to a successful completion of the project. The debrief outcome however made me realized the success came at a far greater cost to the team. Trust was broken and relationships were strained.
Conclusion: We cannot intervene in what we cannot see. In naming this emotion of defeat, I now have something to work on and that has given me much hope. My marriage has also taken a different turn. A greater level of trust had been rebuilt and our ability to communicate had strengthened. I feel that my emotional health is now at a much better place. I have since ended my sabbatical and started a new journey. I now focus on helping people integrate strengths using the ontological approach in Singapore and across the world. I have continued with my therapy which has served me to become a better coach. I am able to observe my therapist in action and concurrently explore areas of growth. I now have a greater confidence in my coaching work.
This article is the second in the series of my Halftime journey.
Written by Victor Seet
Developing Humility
Humility is widely admired in leaders but rarely discussed in practical terms. How do you actually grow it? Singapore ICF coach Victor Seet explores what genuine humility looks like in leadership and offers concrete ways to develop it, drawn from his coaching and personal experience.
Humility seems underrated in corporate leadership. Yet, it is arguably the single, most important determinant of how power and authority will be used by a leader. There have been several articles written on the importance of humility in leadership. This article is written as an extension of the existing discussion(s), and in particular, to explore how to cultivate humility. I approach this topic not as an expert; far from it. In fact, I have lost staff because of the lack of humility on my part.
Humility has been defined in several ways. For the purpose of this article, humility will be taken as “not thinking that we are better than we really are in terms of our importance and our ability; but having sound judgement." In the same vein, someone said “people with humility do not think less of themselves; they just think about themselves less.” I fully agree.
Developing humility can be challenging because character formation works differently from the conventional knowledge-based approach to learning. In my previous occupation, my primary responsibility was to help individuals grow in character. The process was baffling. I discovered that one’s knowledge of a character trait does not necessarily translate into one’s practice of the same trait. Take my life for instance. Though I may cognitively know a lot about humility (due to my work), my personal failings remain because of a lack of self-awareness. Developing humility requires a great level of self-awareness, which is not easily acquired.
Suppose a student requires two magic bullets to ace an exam – knowledge of the subject matter and time management skills. Most will agree that knowledge of the subject matter will DIRECTLY affect the grades while time management affects the end outcome INDIRECTLY.
Knowledge of the subject matter will directly impact a student's ability to answer the exam questions and attain good results. Time management is also required for effectiveness. Unless we apportion time to study, time to rest, time to relax, we will not be effective. Too much studying and insufficient rest can be counter-productive. Without good time management, it is often difficult to ace an exam. Time management is a skill that indirectly impacts a student’s result.
I would like to suggest that character traits are best cultivated through INDIRECT means. Trying to be more humble in a direct way can only lead a person to be prideful. It is like making a statement “I’m so proud that I can become humble.” It simply does not work. Instead, allowing people to come to their own realizations of their pride may work better. This is self-awareness. Gaining self-awareness is an extremely important skill that a top leader must possess.
READ: WHY COMPLEMENTARY PARTNERSHIPS DO NOT ALWAYS WORK
How, then, does an indirect approach look like?
One possibility is through acts of service. Through acts of service, one may discover their prideful areas. Are there tasks I deem too menial to act upon? Am I upset when I am not recognized for the things I have done? Why am I reacting negatively to feedback given to me?
Another example of an indirect approach to cultivating humility is to practice listening. Intentionally listening to others and paraphrasing what they say is a way to realize if we are more interested in others or in ourselves. Leaders who are more interested to tell others what to do usually end up causing more hurt because of a lack of empathy. When the realization takes place, it often reveals how much focus we place on ourselves. Listening is one of the hardest things for leaders with big egos. I regret to say this is one of my most painful realizations.
In essence, humility is a realization of how proud we are. Engaging in good disciplines such as listening and intentionally serving others are powerful ways of gaining self-awareness. Other approaches to gaining greater self-awareness include journaling and giving thanks. Some may even engage a leadership coach to work through character flaws or business challenges together. I will not go into discussing the latter as there is numerous literature on it. I will, however, share a personal story.
One of my core beliefs about human relationships and interactions is that it takes two hands to clap. I do not believe marriages fail because of one party. Neither do I believe that relationships break down because of the failings of one party. The power of such a belief should ideally empower me to reflect, take ownership of my mistakes, and adjust to my actions and behavior. This belief should lead me to grow in my relationship with others. Unfortunately, a lack of humility meant that I ended up focusing on pointing out where the other party has failed. In short, I like to blame others rather than to search my heart. I increasingly realized how much pain I have caused my family, close friends, and my work team. My pride has caused me to reject feedback and suggestions. I even rationalized that I was less at fault and more humble since I was constantly adjusting my behavior. Sadly, behavioral change can sometimes be superficial. In thinking that I have grown in humility, I have ironically become more prideful instead.
Concluding Thoughts: The truth hurts. However, if we believe that humility is thinking of ourselves less, it is extremely freeing to be able to focus on the beauty and joy of growing our character.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Speed-Based StrengthsFinder Theme Combination
Ever wondered why some people make decisions almost instantly while others take much longer and why this creates friction in teams? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet explains how certain strength themes are fundamentally shaped by speed, and what this means for teamwork.
As a person with Activator as my top CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) theme, I love the idea of being fast. I have decided to share some of my thoughts on the CliftonStrengths themes using the idea of “speed”. As someone who enjoys illustration by contrast, I will discuss some commonly perceived StrengthsFinder themes based on the idea of “fast” and “slow”. This is a follow up article to the last one I wrote.
READ: TIME-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION
CliftonStrengths “FAST” Themes:
Activator: Those with Activator in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as being impatient and impulsive in nature. Activators tend to be “FAST in taking action" because of their unique wiring. “Actions speak louder than words”; “I learn as I do”; “Take action now before the opportunity is lost!” These are common thoughts tied to Activators. We can describe them as people who move fast but they are often seen as those who do not think things through and prone to make unsound decisions.
Strategic: Those with Strategic in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are “FAST to provide alternatives”. People with Strategic intuitively see different paths to the same destination and love to explore the best option. We can describe them as those who can think quickly on their feet and talented in finding shortcuts. However, they can also be perceived as those who jump to conclusions rather quickly instead of taking time to hear what others have to say.
Woo: Those with Woo in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are socially adventurous. They are “FAST in making connections with people” and they usually pride themselves as sociable, outgoing and friendly. People with Woo enjoy connecting wide rather than deep and their speed in connection sometimes cause others to label them as “social butterflies”. They can also be perceived as people who prefer to make social connections over completing work tasks.
Adaptability: Those with Adaptability in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are easy going and flexible. They are “FAST in responding to sudden changes” and can be seen as highly spontaneous in nature. This unique ability empowers them to bounce back quickly and respond to dynamic situations. As opposed to many who prefer to be adequately prepared in nature, people with Adaptability can sometimes be perceived as those who are reactive rather than anticipatory.
READ: UPDATED GUIDE: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS FOR WORK
CliftonStrengths “SLOW” Themes:
Context: Those with Context in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as people who enjoy reminiscing the past. Knowing the past helped those with Context to find emerging blueprints as well as tried and tested solutions. Before making a decision, those with Context need to know what has happened before, what contributed to the existing situation, why certain decisions were made previously etc. We can describe them as people who have a special ability to keep the connections between different generations by building on past successes. Because of the need to understand background and past information, people with Context are perceived to be “SLOW in decision making”. They can sometimes be long-winded and share unnecessary details when they chair meetings. They can also be perceived as those who drag out meetings because of the tendency to ask questions that require extensive sharing of background information and past data.
Relator: Those with Relator in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are authentic, trustworthy, loyal and will go the extra mile for their close friends, regardless of inconvenience. They take time to forge deep connections, believing that people take time to open up their hearts and build trust. We can describe Relators to be those who break work barriers and are able to cultivate genuine friendships. A work team filled with Relators can have the potential to build extremely tightly knitted groups with high trust and loyalty to one another. Relators can be perceived as “SLOW to warm up to new faces” and are cliquish and unfriendly. Relators can struggle in environments where the need to build fast connections is a work requirement.
Deliberative: Those with Deliberative in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are careful, attentive to details and socially private. They take time to think deep in order to assess potential danger. They are very confident once they have their own conclusion after adequately assessing the risks involved. They thrive in work that require high governance and strong attention to details. However, they can often be misconstrued as “SLOW in decision making” especially when urgent and quick decisions need to be made.
Harmony: Those with Harmony in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are collaborative and peace-making. In a team setting, people with Harmony dislike conflicts and will make efforts to hear each person out and to find a common ground to move forward. As a result, they can be “SLOW in decision making”, preferring to make sure people’s opinions are considered than to make a decision of their own. They take time to find consensus and get alignment in order to move forward. They thrive in work that require strong teamwork and are often the glue in holding together a high performance team.
CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Theme Combinations:
When any two of the “fast” CliftonStrengths themes are within the dominant strengths of an individual, the interaction is likely to cause the “speed” to increase further. For example, a person with Activator and Adaptability can suddenly decide to purchase an item while shopping in a store and the purchase will be completed almost instantaneously (regardless of the price). It does not matter if there could be a better deal at another store. It is the desire to act now in order to own a particular item that makes the shopping fulfilling.
When any two of the “slow” themes are within the dominant strengths of an individual, the interaction is likely to cause the “speed” to decrease further. For example, a leader of a team who possesses both Relator and Harmony will prefer to speak to each team member on a 1-1 basis to find consensus on a particular matter. Making a quick decision will be extremely uncomfortable for such an individual as he or she will feel that the best decision can only be made after gathering feedback from each individual.
Using another example, a person who has both Deliberative and Relator as dominant strengths will take more time to open up and connect to others in new environments. The speed that this individual takes to build trust with new faces and to work well with them will likely be slower in comparison to others.
When an individual has both a "fast" CliftonStrengths theme and a “slow” theme in the dominant strengths, the end result will usually depend on the maturity of the individual as well as the context. For example, a young person who has both Activator and Deliberative as dominant strengths could be careless when there is a need to be careful and slow in decision making when there is a need to be quick in order to grab an opportunity. In maturity, this individual will have the unique ability to display the right strength at the right time.
Concluding Thoughts: As a Leadership Coach who enjoys helping leaders in the area of personal development, I acknowledged that people’s perceptions are derived from many factors and not limited to simply “CliftonStrengths themes”. The broad categorization of the CliftonStrengths themes is by no means an absolute and this article is written to share my own personal thoughts and to create greater awareness of the interesting dynamics.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command