The Power of Naming An Emotion
We can only intervene in what we can see. This article is about how the process of therapy had helped to give a name to an emotion which had troubled the writer. That empowered him and brought a change in his marriage.
In the middle of 2019, I took a sabbatical from my coaching work and left my company. One of the main factors behind my decision was the state of my emotional health. At the start of 2019, I had several indications that I was already not doing well emotionally. There were several incidents where I had allowed rage to get the better of me. These emotional outbursts happened at home and at work. However, I told myself that this was a normal phase in life. After all, I was living in a fast-paced and competitive society in Singapore, living a stressful life as an entrepreneur and being a father to 3 young kids.
The Tipping Point
However, by mid 2019, I had to stop telling myself the same narrative. The tipping point was a particular episode I had after a team debrief. As a company, we had just completed our largest training project - in terms of revenue and the number of training participants. The project was especially remarkable because it was birthed out of an innovation. There was no template, no previous experience of such kind and the team pulled it off. To top it off, the feedback from the participants was fantastic. The debrief was intended to celebrate this huge success and to brainstorm ways to overcome operational challenges. Unfortunately, the debrief did not turn out the way I hoped for it to go. Instead, I had an outburst, the brunt of which was borne by some of my team members. Emotionally, I felt horrible. That pain was significant enough to make me dread turning up for work. I eventually decided it was time I do something to address this issue. Stopping work was the first step.
On the home front, my wife and I had been discussing the idea of attending a therapy session together. The discussion started several years ago but we never got down to doing it. In the second month of my sabbatical, there was a particular conflict which we debriefed and reached agreement on. Regarding the state of the marriage: we were getting by but hardly thriving. We reached a consensus and agreed to attend a therapy session together. “Let’s do it.”
Going through Therapy
Based on some recommendations, we chose an organization called Counselling and Care Centre. They assigned a senior therapist to us and fixed a date. The first visit to the therapist was one filled with uncertainty. I had no idea how the session would turn out. Thoughts were flying through my head: “Will there be some deep issues flushed out during our conversation? Am I ready to hear them? What will my reaction be like if the wife said something that I’m not ready to hear? What will her reaction be if I did the same?” In the end, the fears were unfounded. I was relieved when I asked how she felt about the session and her response was a exuberant one. “Therapeutic!”
Naming my Emotion
We attended a few sessions together and we also had individual sessions. The third joint session, in particular, had a deep impact on me. I left that session feeling quite overwhelmed. Some raw emotions surfaced. During the session, I shared some of my feelings of frustration: there were many things I did which I received negative feedback from my wife. I felt I had done my best though. The feedback made me feel like my best was not enough. The therapist had us revisit some of these situations and eventually, my feelings of frustration was named: an emotion of defeat. I suddenly had an awareness that this feeling of defeat was not isolated to the marriage relationship. It was a feeling I had consistently experienced through out my life. I assessed that this emotion was what contributed to some of my worst outbursts.
READ: WHAT IS MY HEALTH WORTH?
I remembered feeling defeated when I was young. I scored an own goal in a soccer match and at the end of the match, I was ridiculed and laughed at. That experience left a stigma. I also remembered feeling defeated when I was learning to play a particular board game. I was thrashed by my opponents and humiliated. I felt utterly beaten. In the more recent years, I remembered feeling defeated when I was passed up for a promotion. The feeling of not being good enough for a promotion despite giving my best was very very strong. I remembered that particular incident made me depressed for a month. The most poignant realisation was identifying this same feeling of defeat at the team debrief which I mentioned earlier. That feeling of defeat ultimately led me to taking a sabbatical break. I remembered feeling that I had given my best to serve the team and led the team to a successful completion of the project. The debrief outcome however made me realized the success came at a far greater cost to the team. Trust was broken and relationships were strained.
Conclusion: We cannot intervene in what we cannot see. In naming this emotion of defeat, I now have something to work on and that has given me much hope. My marriage has also taken a different turn. A greater level of trust had been rebuilt and our ability to communicate had strengthened. I feel that my emotional health is now at a much better place. I have since ended my sabbatical and started a new journey. I now focus on helping people integrate strengths using the ontological approach in Singapore and across the world. I have continued with my therapy which has served me to become a better coach. I am able to observe my therapist in action and concurrently explore areas of growth. I now have a greater confidence in my coaching work.
This article is the second in the series of my Halftime journey.
Written by Victor Seet
Developing Humility
Developing humility is one of the most difficult challenges faced in leadership and personal development. This article is written to explore more of the “how to” and to discuss a few practical ways to grow this character trait.
Humility seems underrated in corporate leadership. Yet, it is arguably the single, most important determinant of how power and authority will be used by a leader. There have been several articles written on the importance of humility in leadership. This article is written as an extension of the existing discussion(s), and in particular, to explore how to cultivate humility. I approach this topic not as an expert; far from it. In fact, I have lost staff because of the lack of humility on my part.
Humility has been defined in several ways. For the purpose of this article, humility will be taken as “not thinking that we are better than we really are in terms of our importance and our ability; but having sound judgement." In the same vein, someone said “people with humility do not think less of themselves; they just think about themselves less.” I fully agree.
Developing humility can be challenging because character formation works differently from the conventional knowledge-based approach to learning. In my previous occupation, my primary responsibility was to help individuals grow in character. The process was baffling. I discovered that one’s knowledge of a character trait does not necessarily translate into one’s practice of the same trait. Take my life for instance. Though I may cognitively know a lot about humility (due to my work), my personal failings remain because of a lack of self-awareness. Developing humility requires a great level of self-awareness, which is not easily acquired.
Suppose a student requires two magic bullets to ace an exam – knowledge of the subject matter and time management skills. Most will agree that knowledge of the subject matter will DIRECTLY affect the grades while time management affects the end outcome INDIRECTLY.
Knowledge of the subject matter will directly impact a student's ability to answer the exam questions and attain good results. Time management is also required for effectiveness. Unless we apportion time to study, time to rest, time to relax, we will not be effective. Too much studying and insufficient rest can be counter-productive. Without good time management, it is often difficult to ace an exam. Time management is a skill that indirectly impacts a student’s result.
I would like to suggest that character traits are best cultivated through INDIRECT means. Trying to be more humble in a direct way can only lead a person to be prideful. It is like making a statement “I’m so proud that I can become humble.” It simply does not work. Instead, allowing people to come to their own realizations of their pride may work better. This is self-awareness. Gaining self-awareness is an extremely important skill that a top leader must possess.
READ: WHY COMPLEMENTARY PARTNERSHIPS DO NOT ALWAYS WORK
How, then, does an indirect approach look like?
One possibility is through acts of service. Through acts of service, one may discover their prideful areas. Are there tasks I deem too menial to act upon? Am I upset when I am not recognized for the things I have done? Why am I reacting negatively to feedback given to me?
Another example of an indirect approach to cultivating humility is to practice listening. Intentionally listening to others and paraphrasing what they say is a way to realize if we are more interested in others or in ourselves. Leaders who are more interested to tell others what to do usually end up causing more hurt because of a lack of empathy. When the realization takes place, it often reveals how much focus we place on ourselves. Listening is one of the hardest things for leaders with big egos. I regret to say this is one of my most painful realizations.
In essence, humility is a realization of how proud we are. Engaging in good disciplines such as listening and intentionally serving others are powerful ways of gaining self-awareness. Other approaches to gaining greater self-awareness include journaling and giving thanks. Some may even engage a leadership coach to work through character flaws or business challenges together. I will not go into discussing the latter as there is numerous literature on it. I will, however, share a personal story.
One of my core beliefs about human relationships and interactions is that it takes two hands to clap. I do not believe marriages fail because of one party. Neither do I believe that relationships break down because of the failings of one party. The power of such a belief should ideally empower me to reflect, take ownership of my mistakes, and adjust to my actions and behavior. This belief should lead me to grow in my relationship with others. Unfortunately, a lack of humility meant that I ended up focusing on pointing out where the other party has failed. In short, I like to blame others rather than to search my heart. I increasingly realized how much pain I have caused my family, close friends, and my work team. My pride has caused me to reject feedback and suggestions. I even rationalized that I was less at fault and more humble since I was constantly adjusting my behavior. Sadly, behavioral change can sometimes be superficial. In thinking that I have grown in humility, I have ironically become more prideful instead.
Concluding Thoughts: The truth hurts. However, if we believe that humility is thinking of ourselves less, it is extremely freeing to be able to focus on the beauty and joy of growing our character.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.