Discovering Each Other's Best

As a former Youth Pastor, I have spoken to many young people on a very common topic: how to navigate through challenges in Boy-Girl Relationships (BGR) and courtships. When many young people enter into a courtship or relationship, they are often also in a developmental stage of life and growing in maturity. Navigating through challenges in a courtship often takes a toil emotionally and mentally. Many young people often found out after they enter into such a relationship, that differences in personality can be both a blessing or a snare. Much depends on the ability and maturity to manage these differences. 

I interviewed a couple, Samuel Lee and Gloria Pang, while they were in the midst of courtship. They were people who actively sought counsel from mentors, surrounded themselves with peers who can offer them encouragements and looked out for tools that can help them strengthen their relationships. 

One of the tools that Samuel and Gloria actively use is the CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) tool. They both believe in using the tool as a a means to discover the best of each another. As they used the CliftonStrengths tool for over a year and actively had different conversations (often deep ones) over each other’s strengths, they experienced different benefits on their relationship. When I invited them to share with others their experiences, they graciously agreed. Before we begin, they will like to add some comments about this interview.

• This interview is about how they use the CliftonStrengths tool to grow their relationship. They believe that the tool must be aligned to common values and a commitment and accountability to each other.

• This interview is about how they used the CliftonStrengths tool effectively while continuing to leverage other means to strengthen their relationship. The tool remains one of the different means towards their desired outcome of a strong relationship.

Let’s read what they have to say!

1. How do you feel when you first saw each other's top 5? 

S: Honestly, I felt slightly discouraged initially because of how different our strengths were like (Hahahaha). It was quite obvious as well because we were both accessing the StrengthsFinder App on our phones and the colours shown were so different! They were just the opposite – Purple and Blue (for Gloria) vs Yellow and Red (for mine). I realized our strengths are in so different domains. After reading through her Strengths descriptions, I realized that the CliftonStrengths tool had come up with a language for me to articulate things about Gloria that I knew intuitively but did not know how to articulate or describe.

G: Daunted! I think I didn’t understand the magnitude of us being created and wired so differently until we talked about it at length on various occasions. While the initial reaction was feeling daunted by the implications, I also believe that there is strength and something exciting about diversity. 

2. Out of your partner's top 5 talents, which do you feel often stands out in the relationship and has been a blessing to you? 

S: Gloria’s Relator. Definitely. I think her Relator theme is what helps our relationship grow deeper continuously. I often feel like she’s the safest person I can share things, knowing that she values deep sharing. She also responds well to all my sharing because she understands my feelings intuitively without me needing to elaborate much. We often spend hours talking about everything and anything from my work, our pasts or our dreams.

Being her boyfriend, I enjoy her prioritizing our relationship above many of her other important things and it gives me a sense of joy knowing that our connection grows stronger each day. She also gives me a sense of closeness and I have discovered that the way she trusts me has been a really huge blessing.

G: Probably Sam's Futuristic (watch this Futuristic video done by Samuel) and Strategic talent themes! His Futuristic theme means that he thinks and plans for the future as well as paints positive pictures of what the future can look like. His Strategic theme shows him different options and ways to achieve something. So in our relationship, if we feel stuck or might not have a solution to something, his Strategic theme allows him to think of many options and find the best one that will be most beneficial for us. 

3. What did you discover about each other after taking the Strengthsfinder assessment that you did not previously know?

S: Hahahaha, I think we both discovered that differences did not mean we would necessarily live in conflict and unhappiness but that we could live complementing each other and enjoying the fruits of having 10 different dominant CliftonStrengths themes!

I began to realize that she was someone who viewed the world rather differently from me through her Responsibility theme. Her description says that driven by her talents she would naturally have high standards for whatever she is tasked with and that she would not rest till she had completed the duty given to her. She also would more than likely say yes to new tasks given to her to perform.

That was something we initially had discussions about because I did not understand why despite her schedule being packed as it was, she would still say yes to doing things for people. We had a good talk about it afterwards. I realized that I need to understand that her heart is to do things for the people she loves. This is something I have gotten used to.

I think one of the takeaways for her was realizing that when I talked about the future, I wasn’t just daydreaming but I was really casting a vision. I love giving hope to people (including her) about what the future could be like. Upon realizing I had the ‘Futuristic’ theme, she started being more open to the future plans I have envisioned and shared with her. Because of my Maximizer and Activator theme as well, she realized that these “future plans” can actually become a real possibility.

G: I guess that we are really truly different? Like the lens through which we view the world can be quite different, as well as the way we process, interpret things, what we think about, what we intrinsically value and are excited or energised by. 

4. Which of your talent themes often clash and contribute to the conflicts between the both of you? How did you try to resolve these conflicts? 

S: Initially, my Maximizer theme and her Developer theme would clash often and contribute to conflicts. As leaders serving together in our church youth ministry, while I was focused on choosing the best people for a certain role and job, she would often see the opportunity to grow people. At times we would have differences over how we viewed people because of these two themes. Admittedly though, those arguments have helped both our Maximizer and Developer themes mature.

The other way these two themes clashed was in our behaviours. As a Maximizer, I was a lot more impatient with tasks given because I desired to do things the best way and get great results. For her as a Developer, she was rather patient and knew that things needed time and the people we were mentoring needed time to grow and become better at what they are doing.

We resolved these conflicts by firstly acknowledging that no strength was better than the other and we chose to seek to understand each other’s strengths first. After which we would use our other Strengths to help resolve our differences. For example, whenever there was a time crunch, Gloria would realize that by using her Responsibility theme, the right thing to do would be to get the things done quickly. That will align with my Maximizer and Activator themes. However, if we were looking at a long term project, by using my Futuristic theme, I would understand that growing people and being patient with group members or mentees would require time. This will help align me to her Developer theme.

G: Possibly his Maximizer and my Developer! I think his Maximizer theme often compels him to focus on the best or in achieving the best. At times, that makes me feel that our progress or growth in our relationship is insufficient (which is contrary to the lens of the developer talent). At times, I will misunderstand his Maximizer lens and think that he has a constant discontentment with our relationship. That would also imply and made me feel inadequate in this relationship. 

5. Which strengths do you think you can intentionally leverage more for the strengthening of this relationship? 

S: I think my honest answer would be all the strength we have! But if I have to pick one, I would pick the Strategic theme! In the face of problems and obstacles, I have found that my ability to think outside the box and find alternative solutions helps us to not feel like we are trapped. Through the Strategic theme, I can see the path that would lead us to success and I will discard options that are less useful so that in confusion or crisis, we can still move forward!

G: Relator and Belief themes, I think my Relator theme allows us to build depth in our relationship. My Belief theme helps me by developing new convictions and values in the way I relate to Sam. This can be about relationships in general, or through learning new things about each other in ways that could be powerful. For example, a belief that conflict resolution rather than evasion is important for the relationships allows me to overcome my preference for the latter while honouring Sam’s preference for the former (and an overall strengthening of the relationship). 

I think I can harness my Developer theme more as well to move beyond merely recognizing the good and progress in our relationship, to communicating the progress. The communication of our progress can be a source of encouragement and affirmation to the both of us. 

6. You went through a CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) workshop session. How did you benefit from the workshop?

S:  I think the workshop was particularly enriching because it helped Gloria and I get to know each other more. Often, misunderstandings happen. To help realize that both persons are actually desiring the same outcome, the knowledge of how both persons are wired is essential! As our StrengthsFinder Coach, you provided a safe environment for couples to explore questions and dialogues that helped a lot. One of the things we learnt was our peak experiences (situations that we used all 5 of our dominant strengths for a situation and experienced great success). Hearing Gloria shared about what brought her fulfilment made me realized that I did not understand her CliftonStrengths themes and I had sometimes unintentionally poured cold water on something she was celebrating. That exercise was fun and simple yet deep and insightful! I would highly encourage the CliftonStrengths workshop to all couples!

READ: USING STRENGTHSFINDER FOR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

G: I think the workshop was not just useful for me to understand my partner, but also to know learn how my strengths can be used to be a blessing to each other! I found the workshop very good! 

Concluding thoughts: One of the key reasons why the CliftonStrengths tool worked powerfully for Samuel and Gloria was because of the intentional way they used the tool for conversations. Those conversations helped to steer their relationships towards growth. I hope as you read about the benefits through this simple interview, you too can be personally encouraged and challenged to have deep strengths conversations with your partner. 

Contact me if you are interested to find out more about Couple Coaching.

Written by Victor Seet

The Blues of not having Blues

"It is human nature to look at what we lack rather than what we have"

I first did my CliftonStrengths (formerly known as Gallup StrengthsFinder) assessment couple of years ago when I was a full-time Youth Pastor in a local church in Singapore, specialising in youth training and development. After finishing the online CliftonStrengths assessment, I had Activator, Communication, Strategic, Achiever and Command in my top 5 results. I took time to read through the descriptions of each talent theme. There were mixed emotions when I got my results. I was a little skeptical and I had many questions running through my mind.

"How can it be that I do not have any strengths in the relational building or the blue domain?" I was a little concerned. (To be honest, "a little" is an understatement). I had a job that requires me to understand people's needs, to care for others genuinely and to reach out to new people on a regular basis. What that meant to me was that I needed very strong relational abilities in order to excel in what I do. I did my own research: watching many different StrengthsFinder videos and reading many different StrengthsFinder articles. I was really hoping that my concerns will be unfounded.

"It is not just human nature to look at what we lack, it is also second nature to reinforce that mindset by looking at others and comparing."

It became more disturbing when I compared my results with those of my colleagues in church and I saw that they had the strengths that I thought I should have in order to succeed in my role. As someone who spent a lot of time mentoring and training young people, I felt that it was important for me to have CliftonStrengths themes like Empathy, Developer or Relator. I have none. In fact, I have none of the nine themes that were classified under the relationship building domain. These nine are Empathy, Developer, Includer, Adaptability, Connectedness, Harmony, Positivity, Relator and Individualization. How could it be that I was a Youth Pastor in Singapore for so many years without any relational strengths being in my top 5? I began to doubt the validity of the CliftonStrengths Assessment.

Are you one of those who felt the same way as I did after you got your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) results?

The interesting part came after the emotions have settled and I started to think a little deeper. Have I been successful in my work as a Youth Pastor? Have I been given affirmation and positive feedback on what I did even though I do not have those “strengths” that I thought I should be having? 

• Have I shown to people under my supervision that I care even though I do not have the Empathy theme?

• Have I been an encourager to the youth who were struggling even though I do not have the Positivity theme or the Developer theme?

• Have I been welcoming to newcomers to the church even though I do not have the Woo theme?

• Have I been able to shown to my team that I am a person they can count on even though I do not have the Responsibility theme?
  
  As I reflected, I realized I could say an emphatic “YES” to all of the above. And that is without having a single “blue” strength or CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes that belong to the relationship building domain. I realized now that I have somehow innovated my strengths and have reached the outcomes I desired as a Youth Pastor. More importantly, I reached the outcomes using my own strengths in my own unique ways.

Today, as a Coach who has conducted multiple workshops in Singapore and across Asia, I have taught with great passion that it is not so much about the talents we do not have but how we use the talents we have to achieve the goals that we desired:

• A high performing individual can execute even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the executing domain.

• A high performing individual can influence even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the influencing domain.

• A high performing individual can care genuinely even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the relationship building domain (this happens to be me).

• A high performing individual can strategize and ideate even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the strategic thinking domain.

High performing individuals know what they are very strong at. They use their strengths to overcome their lack or they find ways to manage their weaknesses.

As I strive towards high performance, I now work hard on three key areas:

1. I now focus on my top CliftonStrengths themes intentionally. I make a great effort to reduce the number of times my themes will manifest in the infancy stage (or otherwise known as basement or raw stage). I do that a lot by personal reflection. I actively solicit feedback from those I trust and work with. I try to have a debrief after a conflict occurs to find out what aspects of my behaviour hinders the relationship.

2. I focus on seeking different partners who can help me overcome different areas of my weaknesses. I have specific go-to people (usually 2-3 individuals) for each of my areas of lack that I have identified. For example, I have found some with the Discipline theme and some with the Responsibility theme to help me stay organized. I have found some with the Positivity theme and some with the Empathy theme to give me feedback on my abilities to encourage and care for others.

3. I also intentionally focus on building one attitude - cultivating thankfulness. As I choose to reflect and give thanks regularly, I am often required to focus on the things I have rather than those I lack. I have found that this attitude is an important aspect to developing a paradigm shift from the deficit thinking model to the Strengths-Based thinking model.

Concluding Note: As you ponder about the things I have said above, I will like to leave you with a challenge to focus on your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes, one at a time. Give thanks for each of these themes that you have and ask yourself how you can aim it meaningfully in your professional and personal life.

Written by Victor Seet

Expressing StrengthsFinder in the Unique Singapore Way!

As a Singapore CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) coach, I have always loved to explore how CliftonStrengths as a tool can be customized based on different cultures. Earlier this year, I wrote an article on integrating StrengthsFinder and the Chinese culture. This time round, I hope to share about integrating CliftonStrengths in the Unique Singapore way - using the Singlish language to describe the 34 CliftonStrengths talent themes.  

A little context about this article. It was inspired by the different celebrations that took place in Singapore for the past week. As Singapore celebrated its 51st National Birthday, many will have thought the celebrations will die down quickly. Few will have expected that a days later, the gold medal win by Joseph Schooling in the Rio Olympics brought the whole nation of Singapore into a celebratory mood again! It felt like a second National day celebration!

In Strengths School™ (which I co-founded and since left), the team decides to immerse into the celebrations by spontaneously going into a brainstorming on how the StrengthsFinder language can be expressed using the unique Singlish language. In this very small country filled with diverse races and ethnic groups, our Singlish language is the reason why a Singaporean can be easily recognized by another Singaporean regardless of any location around the world.

After brainstorming, the team created a customized StrengthsFinder Mug for one another, each mug having the unique Singlish description of each other's StrengthsFinder themes (the 1st Singlish StrengthsFinder MUG)! Using this beautiful mug that was created for me, I hope to share my top 5 StrengthsFinder themes in Singlish! 

StrengthsFinder Activator - Chop Chop Curry Pok! 

Chop Chop means to hurry up, to speed things up! Curry Pok is simply a rhyming slang. The idea of speed describes that character trait of an Activator! I think the team in Strengths School™ Singapore will definitely agree that I like to do things quickly. Getting into that momentum is something very important to me. In fact, when Mr Ideation Jason Ho thought of this idea to celebrate with Singapore, my Activator says "AWESOME! Let's do it NOW!"

StrengthsFinder Communication - Wah Can Tok Sia!

This Singlish phrase as understood by Singaporeans, have several meanings. This phrase can be used to describe one who has an ability to talk himself out of a situation. This phrase also can mean one who spoke in such a charismatic and dramatic way to wow a crowd and create an impact. Sometimes, this phrase also describes a chatterbox who goes on and on during a conversation. I think this Singlish description fits the Communication theme perfectly and in describing me! 

StrengthsFinder Strategic - Kia Shortcut

This Singlish phrase means to “take” a shortcut. Singaporeans love being efficient. This phrase was coined because it is very common for Singaporeans to try to find the shortest way possible to get to the destination. In doing so, lots of traveling time can be cut down.  

StrengthsFinder Self-Assurance - Ai Zai

This Singlish phrase means "Be confident". It is a phrase used by Singaporeans to encourage others to be confident (usually before a competition or before an exam) and to let them know that "they can do it!" I personally like this phrase as it describes how a Self-Assurance Singaporean person like myself often draws confidence from deep within by whispering to my inner being "Ai Zai, you can do this!" This pep talk allows me to focus on my inner strengths and overcome the fears that are caused externally.

StrengthsFinder Command - Garang

This Singlish phrase means bold, courageous and fearless. This phrase is often used and heard during National Service, a period when Singaporean males of a certain age are conscripted into the Singapore Armed Forces. The phrase is usually used to describe a certain kind of person who exhibits bravery and fearlessness in overcoming challenging obstacle courses. I personally find that this "Garang" phrase describes my Command theme aptly especially during crises. I often find myself becoming "Garang" and I enjoy rising up to challenges in a chaotic situation. I often find that people get the best out of me in very trying situations. The positive feedback is usually about how my composure leads others forward by giving clarity in directions. I feel a great sense of satisfaction whenever I can help to move people out of a crisis situation, knowing that remaining status quo is like standing on quicksand.

Concluding Note: I am a proud Singaporean and I love the unique Singlish language. I'm also a Singapore StrengthsFinder Coach who is passionate to use the Strengths language to make a difference. It is a great joy for me to integrate the Strengths language with the unique Singlish language and to present the 1st StrengthsFinder Mug (Singapore Edition)! #StrengthsFinderMugSG

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Using CliftonStrengths for Work - Reflections of a Teacher

In my work, I have coached many educators and students. One of the most common questions that I have received is "How can I apply my strengths to improve my performance at work?"

This is an interview I've done with one of the teachers in Singapore, whom I have the privilege to coach in a 1 on 1 setting. We had some very fruitful conversations regarding her strengths and I had the opportunity to hear her story. 

Charmain Han is an English teacher in one of the Primary schools in Singapore. She is an outgoing individual, passionate about influencing the lives of the future generation. She desires to see more and more people engage their strengths meaningfully and shares some of her own reflections on applying her strengths as a teacher. As a Head of Department in her school, Charmain also reflects about her style of leadership and how her strengths play a huge part of her leadership growth and journey.  Charmain's top 5 CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) themes are Harmony, Communication, Restorative, Developer and Responsibility.

An Interview with Charmain Han:

1) How do you feel when you first saw your top 5 CliftonStrengths results? 

To be perfectly honest, I was a little sad because I didn't have any strengths in the Strategic Thinking domain. I tend to always look at things from a 'What's the Areas of Improvement' point of view, so my initial response was to focus on what I didn't have. I went to check out on the Strategic Thinking domain strengths and thought about why I didn't have any in my top 5.

I was also a little doubtful that my Harmony theme could be considered a strength. I remember telling my friend that I felt like a Carebear – “Gee, I’m the Harmony bear…” I think I had a pretty narrow definition of what strengths were and my top 5 results didn't fit in this definition, so there was quite a bit of dissonance at the start. 

2) How do you feel you use your talent theme as a teacher? Share some examples.

Well, now that I have come to embrace it, I see my Harmony theme being activated every single day. In class, I'm always teaching my kids how to deal with differences and how to "live, learn and play with people who are different from you”. Outside of class, in meetings for example, I’m always looking for that win-win solution that will help everyone to be on the same page and move an otherwise hopeless discussion forward.

My Communication theme also enables me to turn dense and boring content into effective and engaging stories. I generally enjoy explaining, talking, telling stories and I'm always trying to think of the best way to teach something. I’m also rather dramatic. I think the kids like that. After a while, they all seem to reflect who I am. They also start being very communicative and the classroom is filled with productive noise. I like that. I thrive on that buzz of energy.

READ: MOST COMMON DOMINANT STRENGTHS OF SINGAPORE TEACHERS

3) How do you think CliftonStrengths can benefit the group of people you work closely with?

I guess knowing how we’re all wired differently will help bring about greater understanding amidst the people in my department. So, instead of always saying that “people are the problem”, we’ll instead see how people are the solution. (This probably is my Restorative theme speaking.) And instead of all of us force-fitting ourselves into these moulds that are created based on narrow perspectives (and feeling really depressed if we cannot assimilate the expected competencies), we’ll be looking at how we are each gifted in different ways.

I think just having a common language to talk about who we are, and how we function is really powerful. I personally found the language of StrengthsFinder (now known as CliftonStrengths) really empowering because it’s not about chasing after what you do not have, but fully utilizing what you do have. I imagine the workplace being organized around employee’s talents and staff development that is targeted at growing our talents to strengths. What a dynamic and positive workplace that will be! (I think my Developer theme will love that!) And people will be able to confidently say how they’re good at this or that and I think that will generate greater ownership and engagement in the staff. Maybe teachers will start volunteering to take on projects instead of feeling like everything is handed to them in a top-down fashion.

4) How will you describe your leadership style and how do you see them related to your talents?

I’ll describe my leadership style as consultative. I like being close to the ground and talking to my team members. I frequently ask them, “What do you think?” As a person with the communication theme, it’s extremely important for me to be able to express my thoughts and feelings and as a leader, it’s important for my members to have views and express them. I don’t really like it if people come to me expecting me to have all the answers. Even if I did have the answer, I would rather guide people to arrive at that conclusion than to just tell them. Sometimes, this slows things down but the process of talking through things is just as important to me as the outcome.

To me, leadership is about growing the people around you. I think that’s due to my Developer theme. I am very happy whenever I am able to help someone improve on something, even if it’s something small like tweaking an activity within a lesson. When I am able to support my teachers to achieve something and to witness that moment, or when they come back and tell me how well a lesson that we co-planned went, I find that very satisfying. 

5) How has this unique combination of your top 5 talents help you achieve something you were proud of? 

Hmm… perhaps, during the Parent-Teacher Conference sessions? I think there had been a few instances where I really had to depend on all 5 talents to work together to steer one of those ‘hard conversations’ into meaningful discussions. It's hard to describe those in details. I think I had fond memories of the times when I used all my 5 talents to overcome some of my challenges at work. It will be great if I have more of those moments.

6) You have invested in your own development and have unlocked your full 34. How has that decision helped you?

It was more for my own learning that I chose to unlock the full 34. I wanted to get acquainted to the Strengthsfinder language first for my own benefit – I wanted to get a fuller picture of my CliftonStrengths results and see how my strengths interact with each other, which domain do my top strengths belong in. Secondly, I also wanted to better appreciate the similarities and differences that exist between my friends and me. It’s quite fun to see how many of our top 10 were similar/different.

7) What did you discover about yourself after taking the CliftonStrengths assessment that you did not previously know?

Mmmm, I think it’s not so much as a fresh new discovery as it is a new perspective that I now have. Intuitively, I know how I’m like but now I have a language to describe these traits, habits and behaviors of mine, and of course thinking about them in a more positive way. So the Strengthsfinder tool has heightened whatever self-awareness I had and really helped me to appreciate how I am different from others and why I should leverage my uniqueness.

8) How do you feel my Coaching session has helped you?

The session helped to clarify some things for me and encouraged me to appreciate myself more. I had the coaching session at the beginning of my leadership journey. I had a bagful of self doubt and cynicism about being able to fill the shoes of my predecessor who was someone whom I greatly admire. Back then, I was operating from the mindset that good leaders all have a certain profile or certain talents.  We always talk about the importance of having strategic, visionary leaders like Mr Lee Kuan Yew. So I went into the session thinking that it would help me shed some light in terms of why I was struggling so much and maybe even give me some concrete reasons to step down! (haha) To cut the long story short, at the end of the session, I really felt a lot more empowered and I had a clearer idea of what I should be working and capitalizing on. Thank you Victor for the session!

READ: Using CliftonStrengths for Work - Interview with a Counsellor

Concluding thoughts: It is always encouraging when I hear about powerful shifts in mindsets and the different stories that come with that. I hope as you read about the reflections by Charmain, you too can be personally encouraged and challenged to intentionally work on your strengths as you develop yourself as a leader. Each one of us can greatly impact our generation and the generations beyond, one life at  a time. 

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.