How do I do Meaningful and Purposeful Work?

Gallup reported that many want to have meaningful and purposeful work. Have you been pondering about meaning and purpose at work in this season of your life?

If you are, I will like to invite you to stop, reflect and consider these three key questions:

1. What does meaningful or purposeful work mean to you?

• Is it about finding work activities that motivate you?

• Is it about connecting personal values to the work you are tasked to do?

• Is it about connecting your work to a higher purpose (saving the earth, serving my country, living out my faith etc)?

• Is it about building meaningful relationships at work?

• Is it about doing work that meets the needs of the society and getting paid for it?

There are many variations of doing meaningful work and it is important that we know what meaningful and purposeful work mean to us.

2. How often do you do work on yourself?

Doing and Being are connected as closely as thinking and feeling. We can’t have one without the other. DOING meaningful work doesn’t happen without integrating with our BEING and Identity. Doing meaningful work (externally focused) is strongly tied to doing work on our Being (internally focused - examining our values, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, moods and emotions, strengths and weaknesses, blindspots etc). The two words “meaningful work” involve intentional and thoughtful work.

Behind our Being and Doing are a set of skills and habits that we acquired over the course of our lives. Examining these skills and habits regularly helps us to build stronger foundations and capacity to grow.
I will like to invite you to ponder the below questions.

• Do you think about your thinking and how to improve the quality of your thinking?

• Do you examine your habits and how they have enabled you to grow? Are you in need of building new habits to grow your capacity?

• Do you examine your emotional habits and notice your mood patterns? How do your emotional habits empower or disempower you in doing purposeful, productive work or deeper relationships?

• Do you actively get feedback and be curious about your strengths and areas that you can intentionally develop?

• Do you learn about the way you learn to actively adapt in a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world?

• Do you examine and test how your lifestyle and decisions are aligned with your value system?
  

3. How much do you invest in your own growth?

We spent money, time and energy in many areas - our family, physical health, financial health, romance, hobbies, career progression etc. How much do we invest in our own development and growth?

Think about this: Why do some people invest in themselves through

• coaching;

• therapy;

• personal development and training programs;

• spiritual retreats (just to name a few examples)?

Why do some people invest time, energy and money in developing themselves and some do not? Which category do you belong to and why? What do you think is the relationship between your own personal growth and all the other areas that you are investing resources in?

A Coaching Story:

In a particular coaching session which sparked this article, a client (let’s called him M) articulated that whenever he thinks about his career, he will unconsciously switched to a particular thinking pattern - that of considering risks, scenarios of possible failures and his level of competencies and skills.

I asked M: “how does this way of thinking serve or not serve you when you are pondering about your career?”

The response was interesting: “This way of thinking is prudent, down to earth and pragmatic and it helps me to be careful about my future choices. It also does not help me dream big.”

As M verbalized his thoughts, it dawned on him that this thinking pattern might not serve him in the area of dreaming about his future. He desired a new way of thinking to broaden his horizon of possibilities. He acknowledged that he needed to work on his thinking habits and build new ones to increase his capacity to dream.

I asked M: “what kind of thinking pattern or mindset have you used in the past to help you move ahead despite uncertainties?”

M: (Pause)….I can learn as I go along…and I have done this many times in the past. That has helped me overcome my fears in uncertainties. Perhaps I can explore my career by looking back at the different skill sets I have picked up successfully and what new skills I need to pick up. I don’t have to be restricted by the current set of skills I have when I explore a career path.

Ending note: I love how M shifted his perspective and the smile he had on his face as he discovered a new possibility in his thinking. Doing meaningful and purposeful work involves intentional and thoughtful work. Doing self-work is often the starting point in the whole process. When we get do work on our BEING, what we need to DO becomes much clearer.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Listening Through Our Five Senses

I want to boldly suggest that the digital world has created a shift in the kind of leaders and communicators we need. In this digital world, we are having information overload. There are no lack of great speakers presenting information to us. We have easy access to Ted and videos of great speakers through YouTube. We have easy access to insightful podcasts on Spotify and Podbean. We receive so much information each day from others and that potentially creates a big vacuum - where will we have our voices heard? It is my opinion that as a society, we now desire to have great listeners much more than great speakers because of the need for our voice to feel heard. I anticipate that society as a whole will value a new way of being - a Listener. I wrote about this briefly in an earlier article on dealing with mental health.

This article is written on the premise of growing as a listener. As an ontological coach, I am learning that “we hear with our ears and we listen with our body”. This concept has a profound impact in the way I understand listening. I realized how powerful our five senses (vision, smell, hearing, taste, touch) can help us engage in deeper listening.

Let me provide some examples and practical strategies.

Smell:

When we smell something, our emotional state shift. That impacts our listening. For example, when we smell something foul, we could experience the emotion of disgust or frustration or resentment. When we smell something nice, we could experience the emotion of calmness or curiosity or joy or even playfulness. Many people have turned to aromatherapy and used diffusers to enhance the environments they are in to brighten their emotions and moods. For someone like myself who often engage in conversations in the car, I make sure the interior of my car smells nice by using car scents. The nice smell impacts my emotional state and makes me a better listener.
Given that more and more people are working from home, setting up an environment that smells great can make us better listeners to our stakeholders as well while we are on virtual meetings. Such a strategy to improve effective communication, while seemingly intangible, is worth considering. We cannot control how others speak. We can however enhance our environment to be better listeners.

Vision (Sight)

Listening is powerfully affected by what we see. When we get distracted by what we see, we find it hard to listen. On the flip side, the ability to observe ourselves on virtual platforms like Zoom or MS Teams has provided us with an opportunity to improve our listening. With virtual platforms, we are now able to see ourselves in a mirror-like manner and notice exactly what the other person is seeing. And that is powerful for growing our self awareness. Observing how our expressions change during conversations, noticing our default sitting postures etc, can be very insightful if we want to grow as listeners. Have you notice how you are sitting and presenting yourself on Zoom? How do your audience perceive your attitude, your enthusiasm, your readiness to engage through your body language? The ability to observe ourselves during conversations can be a great game changer.

Hearing (Sound)

We hear what people speak and the tone of voice they use. My assessment is that while many of us might be aware of the language and words we are using in a conversation, the same cannot be said about our tonality. Listening to tonality is a much needed practice if we are to grow in our listening. Our tone of voice are usually invisible to us but visible to other parties. In the past, I received feedback based on my tone but brushed the feedback away by rationalizing “this is just how I am. This is just how I speak!” I have since pay more attention to my tone and volume when I’m speaking. I respectfully encourage us to practice noticing our own tone of voice and the impact our tone has on conversations.

For example, a flat tone could mean someone is disinterested or an emotion of boredom might have emerged. Some tones bring energy and could be closely connected to emotions of enthusiasm or resentment, just to name some examples. When we hear a change in tone of voice, that could also mean a shift in the person’s emotional state and that is an invitation to do a check in. With practice, we can skillfully capture the opportunity to do a check in and elevate our effectiveness as listeners. On another note, the absence of sound and complete silence can create a powerful space for thoughts and emotions to connect during a conversation. Being comfortable with silence is another skill that hones our senses and produce powerful listening.

Taste

Many conversations happen around eating and dining. Many negotiations and important conversations take place around food. The taste of the food has the potential to change our emotional state and change the direction of the conversation.

Consider this scenario:
A waiter showed up with a delicious looking steak. Putting that mouth watering steak into your mouth and tasting it will almost immediately shift your emotions positively. Now add the experience of having a great bottle of wine to go along with the steak, your mood will likely brighten up further. You immediately become a new kind of listener (though this shift might be totally invisible for you).

Now consider another scenario: you took a bite of the fish on your plate only to experience a particular fishy taste lingering in your mouth long after it was consumed. The listening during this particular meal now becomes affected by the emotional state created by the lingering fishy taste.

As a Singaporean who loves to eat, I’m now more aware of how food can change conversations and more intentional to leverage the use of taste when holding important conversations.

Touch

Stroking a pet can bring certain emotions to pet owners and can possibly be a calming influence in conversations. Receiving a tender touch from another human being can evoke lots of powerful emotions as well. Leveraging the power of touch can be very powerful especially for parents with young children. When we communicate that we are listening to our young kids through physical touch, we create a huge amount of psychological safety (this aspect is intangible). As a parent, I’ve lost count of the number of times I have demonstrated that I’m listening to my kids by simply holding their hands, touching their faces, massaging their arms and shoulders etc. I have also learnt to calm my kids down by stroking their arms, stroking their backs, brushing my hands on their hair. This way of communication has worked marvelously for me since I started practicing. Touch is a key listening tool in parenting.

In summary: Have we considered how the global shift to more virtual meetings has amplified the need to listen well? To increase in leadership effectiveness and personal performance, we can practice tuning into our five senses. By paying attention to our senses, we can be more aware of our emotional state and become more effective as listeners.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Listening Through Our Mood

Have you considered how the global shift to more virtual meetings has amplified the need to listen well? In an earlier article, I wrote about practicing a new way of being in this digital world - being a Listener. There is a growing need to be more self-aware. That is my assessment as an ontological coach.

Being more aware gives us a greater insight into the choices that we have. The awareness impacts the relational and leadership results we want in this digital world. This article is written based on this premise.

As human beings, we are always listening to emotions. Traditionally, listening is a lot about what others say or do not say and being attentive to how others might feel. To grow our listening, we focus on improving our listening skills to be more effective. These skills include summarizing what was said, maintaining eye contact, asking good questions, etc.

listening through our emotions

Are we aware that we are not only listening to emotions but also THROUGH your emotions? This is the distinction that I hope to offer. We are always listening THROUGH our emotions and mood. We are always in a mood. This mood is, however, invisible to many.

Think of a mood as an emotional habit you have picked up. Let me share an example. Every weekday morning, I wake up at 6 am. I get myself washed up, change and get ready for the day. At 630 am, I wake my three young kids up. I get them to wash up, change into their school uniforms and finish breakfast by 715am. By 715am, the school bus fetches my two younger kids while I walk my eldest to school. What is invisible to me is that each morning I practiced an emotional habit - a mood of resentment. I resent that I used a lot of energy to drag my kids out of bed. I resent that I have to nag at them to wash up and get changed. I resent that I have to rush them to finish breakfast so they will not be late for school. Once in a while, I snapped at them. While I usually feel bad, I often deal with my guilt by rationalizing that my kids are great at triggering all my wrong buttons. In short, I blame my kids (a behaviour strongly connected to the mood of resentment)

The epiphany - swimming in a mood of resentment

I had an epiphany when I learned through my ontological coaching course that we are always in a mood that is usually invisible. From 6-715am, I am in the same mood every weekday. I swim in a pool of resentment during this period. That was the emotional habit I have practiced every day. In this pool of resentment, there are lots of stories and assessments. Each action by my wife or kids triggers a particular kind of assessment. For example, when I see my kid struggling to get out of bed, imagery of a lazy, ill-disciplined kid forms in my head. With my resentment mood, my assessments are pre-disposed to be negative. I am pre-disposed during 6-715am to be an angry, impatient, anxious, irritated father and husband. In my mood of resentment, all I can hear are noises. If I want to be a loving husband and father, I will need a new emotional habit.

our mood pre-disposed us to listen in a particular way

Are we aware we are in a particular mood (or practiced emotional habit) at work? Are we aware that our mood can change when our boss speaks? Are we aware that our ability to trust others is dependent on our mood? Different kinds of stories and assessments are generated in our heads when we are in different moods. These stories strongly affect the way we listen to others. That affects our relational and leadership results.

Here are some questions to develop our leadership and listening competency:

• Are we aware of our moods and emotions?

• Are we owning and engaging our emotions to be better listeners?

• Are we aware that we can shift our emotions to listen more effectively?

Pause for a moment:

What mood are you in as you are reading this article?

I propose that your mood and emotions affect what you are taking or not taking away from what you are reading.

As you are reading this article, you could be winding down from a long day and feeling relieved. You could be ready to start a brand new day and feel hopeful. You could be feeling curious and in a learning zone. You could be feeling bored. How you feel determines what you take away as you read this article.

Listening through our emotions starts with the practice of noticing how we are feeling. That involves checking in with ourselves using these simple questions:

• What emotion or emotions am I having right now?

• Why are these emotions there?

• What are the emotions telling me?

• If I am in a contrasting mood (name it), how will I be looking at things?

Ending note: When we practice noticing our emotions, we can learn to become better listeners. When we noticed that our mood does not align with the results we want to create, we can choose to change our mood. Learning to change our mood requires practice. It starts by noticing our mood when we are in different situations. For now, let us conclude that listening is an art.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Dealing with Mental Health - are we listening?

As Singaporeans, we have been grieving because of the death of a young boy and the nature of the event. I had a recent dialogue with my colleagues to discuss about mental and emotional health struggles. This article is written as a result of that dialogue as well as seeing more and more requests for ontological coaching. I have seen an increase in people asking for help to deal with a drop in work performance. Many of the underlying struggles are related to mental and emotional health challenges.

I will start off by sharing a few personal observations on why, as a society, we might be struggling to address mental and emotional health challenges. I will end by proposing an idea for you, as a reader, to consider.

Why we might be struggling to deal with mental health issues?
Five Observations:

1. We are asked to focus on “ME”.

It’s a strong habit we have built into our human system over centuries. It is plausible that the beginning of the IPhone generation played up the emphasis on the “I” and the “ME”. While this emphasis promotes personal agency, this emphasis also promotes loneliness, especially in times of pain. Ask around. How many of those who are suffering, struggle to ask for help?

Community building, team building, “WE”-building have all suffered in recent years because we are not encouraged to, not used to or asked to think beyond something greater, larger than the “I” and the “ME”. Support for people with mental and emotional health challenges are limited to the professionals rather than the surrounding community. We build systems, processes, apps to try to solve these issues but how are we building the community? The single most powerful asset to community building, team building and “WE”-building is the family unit. What is happening within a typical family unit in Singapore?

2. We are asked to ignore our emotions.

“Leave your emotions at the door” is a corporate culture many employees have experienced. A way to get a quick indication of your company’s culture is to answer this question with honesty: “How safe do you feel to let down your tears in front of your boss or colleagues?” Creating psychological safety in workplaces is seen as a big challenge whenever employees are not given permission to express their emotions.

3. We are asked to be efficient.

We want instant solutions. We want things fast and now. We want sound bites. Pain and grief, however, can be long drawn. Pain does not magically disappear overnight. Certainly, no one has found an “efficient” way to deal with pain. In Singapore, we are products of our system. As a nation, we are 56 years old at the time of this writing. We possibly need to build new skill sets to complement our efficiency.

4. We are asked to believe technology is the answer to everything in a digital world.

Artificial Intelligence is filling up our world very quickly. From customer service to phone applications to investments to learning solutions to driverless cars, we are experiencing a wave of digital transformation. The message perceived by the world is that technology will be the answer to all our productivity challenges. But try telling someone in pain to talk to AI or a robot. Tell these people they will feel better magically after downloading a special app and using it. For all the wonders of technology, there are certain challenges only humans can intervene. It is time to learn that mental and emotional health challenges are byproducts of a digital world. We have not focused on challenges only humans can intervene.

5. We are asked to pursue “happiness”.

“Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Fulfill your potential.”

It is possible that this single-minded pursuit of happiness has crippled our ability to do sense making and to make meaning of pain. The pandemic has certainly created pain. The pandemic has also certainly helped people to see what true leadership looks like. We have greatly respected leaders who went through immense pain and sufferings yet lead courageously, with compassion and with empathy - “Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr etc”, just to name a few. I believe the capacity to make sense of pain and suffering is a pre-requisite to lead with courage, compassion and empathy. Those who truly lead courageously, with compassion and empathy shine in a digital world.

A new way of being - listening

Traditionally, society values certain ways of being - a communicator, a visionary, a strategist, an achiever, just to name a few. These ways of being embody certain habits, behaviors, mindsets and thinking patterns. For example, a person who embodies the way of an Achiever thinks about goals and tasks, develop habits of productivity and efficiency, works hard and in long spurts, sees success as achievements etc.

I am proposing a new way of BEING that we, especially those of us who are leaders, might want to consider growing into - BEING A LISTENER.

Being and growing as a listener is counter-intuitive in our current culture. Let’s correlate listening with the five points I have listed.

• An effective listener has to be less “me”-centred and more “we”-centred.

• An effective listener listens to the emotions and what is often unsaid.

• An effective listener takes time to do the listening work. Efficiency does not exist in the space of listening.

• An effective listener has to be a human being and has to connect emotionally. Listening cannot be done effectively by AI.

• Last but not least, without listening, there is no sense-making in times of pain. Listening takes courage. Listening and compassion goes hand in hand. Listening conveys empathy.

Being a listener is more than the skills. It is a new way of being that requires practice and needs to be embodied. It’s like riding a bicycle. You practice till your body “gets it”. It is more than a mindset change. It is more than gaining knowledge. It involves becoming a new “You”.

Article: Listening is Harder than Hard

Ending note: It’s human to be in pain. It’s human to want to feel cared for. It’s human to experience fear and anxiety. When we are in pain, we often want a listening ear. We want our pain and suffering to be validated. We don’t want to be fixed. I am no different. I get a sense that people with mental and emotional health challenges often feel lonely because society sees them as problems to be fixed rather than people to be loved. Listening is underrated. Perhaps it’s time for a change.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Listening is Harder than Hard

“Harder than hard” - I borrowed this phrase used to describe the highest difficulty level found in some computer games. I chose this phrase to depict the journey that I have been taking in the domain of listening.

I’m a recovering advice-giving addict. Over the years, these are the feedback I have received: “Talk too much; dominate conversations; self-centered; impatient; too much advice; like to interrupt; opinionated; judgemental; want to have the last say”.

I’m a beginner at listening. I declared myself as a beginner the day I made a decision to re-orientate my life. I declared that not listening has caused me pain in too many areas of my life and I had enough. That was in the middle of 2019.

Before I declared this breakdown in my listening, I have read many articles, listened to many podcasts that described the importance of listening. The resources contained many tips and advice. I have tried to apply what I have learnt but I did not get the results I wanted. As I reflected back, learning listening skills without a mindset shift proved to be futile for me. When I declared my breakdown, it felt like an invisible wall had come down. I felt different. I felt a shift.

If powerful listening is at the “harder than hard” level, I’m happy to declare that I’m still at the “beginner” level. I hope I will continue to make progress. There is no shame in that. This article was written because I really wanted to capture my thoughts, record them down and reflect on what it feels like at the “beginner” level.

The very first thing that I had decided to do after declaring my breakdown was to start noticing my own impulses, instincts and my behavior while listening to others. This was the process of collecting data.

These were a few things I had observed.

1. I noticed that I have a great desire to make offers in almost every single conversation. I offer my stories. I offer my advice. I offer my perspectives. I offer my thoughts of the day. I offer my opinions on things. This impulse to offer was very strong. As I intentionally notice my behaviour and impulses, I found it amusing that I love to make offers. I want to state that I think there’s nothing wrong in wanting to make offers. Noticing this impulse created in me a curiosity about how this might affect my ability to listen..

2. I noticed I have a particular thinking pattern. I might have a belief that speaking was more valuable than listening. My instincts flushed out this belief. I pay lots of attention to how I speak, how I come across to others when I speak, how to tell stories that would capture attention etc. By contrast, there was little concern about how I come across as a listener. I feel anxious if I assess that I might struggle to speak well or speak clearly on what I hope to communicate. I feel frustrated when I messed up my speech. I feel delighted when I am able to persuade and convince others to buy in to my ideas and strategies. There was however no emotional connection to how I perform as a listener.

3. I noticed that I listen to speak up. I listen for the space to say something. I listen to respond and offer opinions on things I disagree with. I listen for opportunities to make offers (advice, perspectives, ideas etc). I listen to feel validated about my thoughts. In short, I listen for ME. Listening to care for someone is totally counter-intuitive for me.

4. I noticed that as I practice listening, the internal conversation (thoughts in my head) is usually louder than the external conversation taking place. It was something I know in the past but I had little awareness of the intensity. The realization that I was quite self-centered became more apparent. The conversation I instinctively focus on was usually the conversation with myself happening in the head.

5. I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default sitting posture. I was usually sitting in a more forward leaning position (as if I’m getting ready to pounce on any opportunity given). And I notice that when I form a thought in my head and have an advice or an offer I was ready to make, I lean forward even more. I notice my body is contracted when I listen. I have a tendency to fold my arms as well.

6. I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default listening filters. They were usually in certain categories and my CliftonStrengths (or Gallup StrengthsFinder) themes were very helpful to gave me clues. I had the “black or white” filters (Command theme), the “right or wrong” filter (Belief theme), the “efficiency” filter (Strategic theme) just to name a few. As I listen through these filters, my internal thoughts start to form opinions and judgements.

So what did I learn about noticing?

Noticing brought me clarity. The data points gathered were compelling. The more I saw “myself”, the more I could see the new habits and impulses I will need to develop in order to be a new person, a new kind of listener.
Noticing created some kind of latent energy within me. A quick Google search - “the latent internal energy of a system is defined as the internal energy a system requires to undergo a phase transition”. As I took greater notice of my own impulses and behaviours, I also felt a stronger and stronger desire to change. Noticing was producing in me a greater amount of inner strength to make a real change.

Noticing brought discomfort. I lost count of the number of times I felt discouraged and defeated (how come I am so bad at listening?). I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be kind to myself. I have practiced efficiency for a long period but change is slow and often uncomfortable. To be able to sit in discomfort is a capacity I needed to build to create sustainable change in my own life.

Ending note: Some might say noticing feels like inaction. For me, what I took away was that noticing prepared me deeply and powerfully towards the shift - a new kind of person that I say I want to become.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Taking Ownership of Our Emotions

I was asked recently: “If there is one thing I will want to teach my 3 kids now, what will it be?”

The first thing that came to my mind was to take ownership of our emotions. In simple terms, that means to regulate our emotions. My instinctive response came out of two incidents that happened recently. On one occasion, my eldest son who is turning nine, went into a fit of anger and could not control himself. He was breathing very fast and heavily and gritting his teeth very tightly. His body was very tensed up and he was shaking On another occasion, my younger son who was six, had the same behaviour when he threw a fit.

Why Ownership?

As I reflected about what happened to my children, I became aware that for a large part of my life (till I was 40?), I had no idea that I could take ownership of my emotions. I see emotions as something that “happened” to me. I certainly did not see emotions as something I could learn to regulate or manage. I was one of those who have been guilty of blaming others or circumstances for how I felt. I was one of those who played the victim card as a convenient way to manage the discomfort I was experiencing. I was one of those who hate to admit that I struggled to cope with failures and rejections. The result was that negative emotions usually get the better of me in these circumstances. I go through life believing that emotions are happening because of what others or circumstances are doing to me. I do not have a sense that I could own my emotions. I am easily resentful, easily angered and easily frustrated. I could not deal with my outbursts. Others around me suffered as a result. In a nutshell, I am used to giving power away rather than taking ownership of how I am feeling.

The point I’m making is that things outside of us (circumstances or people) can make us feel anything until we take control of our own emotions. What I have learnt is that the sufferings caused by our negative emotions can be greatly reduced. We can take back control of our emotions rather than give away power. In fact, it is possible to be masterful of our own emotional state with continuous practice of good habits. And the result can be a very different life we can live. Unfortunately, until we accept this truth, we will be victims. Victims of circumstances. Victims of what others are doing to us or saying to us. Taking ownership of our emotions is the pathway to stop being victims.

READ ARTICLE: WORKING WITH EMOTIONS IN COACHING

Taking ownership is a developmental step.

The important thing is to realize that a step has to be taken. I have observed as a life coach that this awareness does not come easily to many people. Like what I have mentioned earlier, emotions are often perceived as “what happens to us”. We can be unconscious of the idea that we can take control of our emotions. Often it takes a lot of pain and suffering for one to eventually declare “I have had enough. I want to get hold of my emotions. I want to change.” The most transformative moment starts to happen - when one realized that there is a step to be taken and something can be done. In ontological coaching, we call this a “break in transparency or a breakdown”. This break in transparency causes people to wonder “why are all the sufferings happening? And can we do something about the sufferings?”

It is possible for people to go through their lives without declaring any breakdowns. Without declaring breakdowns, we will not ask ourselves those questions that can potentially transform us. For me, those questions started to surface during my mid life crisis. What's going on? Why am I increasingly dissatisfied with life? What's the point of pushing so hard? Why am I more resentful? Why do I react more in anger or impatience? Why am I languishing? Is this just who I am or is there something I can do to change? I thought I was doing all the things that I really ought to be doing, but I'm still suffering in some way. Why?

I invite you to reflect: “Could you identify with some of my thoughts? Were they familiar to you? In your pain and suffering, do you feel lost? Do you look for somebody to blame?”

It's my boss’ fault. It’s this particular colleague. It’s my spouse. It’s the pandemic. It’s the government.

The key question we need to be concerned about: “Are others doing this to us or do we have the power to change our emotional state?” There’s a real trap that exists. If we put the blame on somewhere else, we are victims and the power over our lives lie with someone else. We have no control when we give power away.

We do not have to deny how we feel.

If we interpret that others are behaving badly, our emotions will be affected by our thoughts. Our emotions are real. No one likes to be bullied, or retrenched or criticized etc. Yet, there is a truth that we can grasp. The truth is that we have control over our own body, emotions and thoughts. If we can simply accept this truth, our lives will change. We have the power to take ownership when we feel that the emotions are bringing us pain. We do not need to give the power away.

Taking back ownership is the point where our lives can be transformed. When we start to take back ownership, we move from ignorance into those periods of suffering or painful moments and we can start to learn about ourselves. We can learn how we respond. We can learn how to make meaning of the sufferings. We can learn what the emotions are doing to us and if those emotions are serving us. We can learn how we can overcome the effects of the negative emotions and how we can adapt. The essence is that we don't have to let emotions get the better of us. Misery is optional. We don't have to do resentment or anxiety or fear over and over again. We do not have to remain powerless.

It’s ownership that makes the difference.

We can all engage productively with our emotions. We can take responsibility and learn to control how we respond rather than react. We can step out of victimhood. We can step out of the space that says “I’m an impatient person, I’m an angry person, I’m resentful or I’m easily anxious”.

We can practice new habits of becoming. We can become kind. We can become patient. We can become compassionate. We can become stronger in our inner capacity. When we take ownership of our emotions, our lives will grow tremendously. The lives of others around us will be impacted tremendously.

Back to the story of my boys.

On each occasion, I brought my angry son into a room first. I assured him that being angry and upset is normal and taking responsibility of his emotions is very important as well. I demonstrated how he can calm down by breathing in and out very slowly and in a rhythm. I get him to practice and gave him space to do that by leaving the room. Now, both my sons understood how they can calm down. I have seen them doing that on other occasions and they are starting to practice emotional regulation. They might not understand the idea of taking ownership yet but I believe the regular practice will help them grow and develop.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Working with Emotions in Coaching

As an ontological coach, I love working with my clients on their moods and emotions. That wasn’t always the case when I started out as a coach. I needed to learn how to work with my own emotions and be comfortable with them.

There are probably different ways you can define emotions if you plough through books, research work, online articles. This article isn’t about defining what emotions are. Rather, this article is written to share coaching distinctions and how you (regardless of whether you are a coach) can work with others about their emotions.

The three coaching distinctions I hope to share about emotions are feeling, expressing and naming.

1.What is feeling an emotion and how does this help a client?

Feeling an emotion helps us understand and distinguish what is happening on the inside of us. In simple terms, when we “feel” an emotion, we receive a message from our body and brain. Feeling an emotion allows us to notice that an emotion exists within and it is “messaging” us. Feeling and noticing our emotions therefore is the first step to be conscious and be aware there is something in the background that affects our thoughts, decisions and ultimately our quality of life. Feeling an emotion can be physiological in many ways. You will have heard terms like butterflies in the stomach, the nausea of disgust, the heaviness of sadness, the fast pounding heartbeat of terror and horror, the flushed cheeks of embarrassment and the lightness of joy. It is worthwhile noting that we cannot change what we don’t notice. Denying or avoiding feelings doesn’t make the emotions go away.

A coach might ask:
How are you feeling right now as we are talking?
When you feel this way, what facial expression do you notice you have?
What are some things you notice about your body in terms of tension, lightness, pain, heat, tightness etc?When you feel this way, what are your internal narratives or hidden thoughts?

2. What is expressing an emotion and how does this help us?

Expressing an emotion helps us to communicate to others and letting others know the state we are in. Examples of expressing our emotion include letting the tears flow, gritting our teeth, literally laughing out loud etc. By expressing our emotions, we can better manage even the most difficult of emotions. That helps us to receive support, relieve stress and deepen our emotional intimacy with others. I will add that expressing our emotions at the right time and to the right people does require wisdom (we shall not discuss this here). It is also often said that the most common unexpressed emotions in the workplace revolve around suffering.

A coach might ask:
How much freedom do you give yourself in expressing your emotions?
Whom do you usually express your emotions to?
Are there certain emotions you will not express? Why?
What might stop you from expressing your emotions?

3. What is naming an emotion and how does this help us?

Naming help us to identify what we are feeling and allow us to make choices about what to do with them. Being able to name or label our emotions can have the effect of lessening the burden or reducing the hold that the emotion has on us. There is a distance that is created once we can name the specific emotion. An individual can now separate the emotion from the person and identify the emotion as “it”. When we put feelings into words, we are essentially hitting the brakes on our emotional responses. This ability to create a distance then empowers us to choose how to respond rather than react. In my own research as a coach, I found that there are studies that show that people who could name or label their emotions could perform better than those who could not name their emotions.

A coach might ask:
What adjectives come to mind if you are to describe how you feel?
Are there any picture, analogy, metaphor, cartoon character or story that might be helpful to describe your emotion?
What will be an emoticon that you will choose to represent how you feel?

ARTICLE: THE POWER OF NAMING AN EMOTION

Conclusion: You might be curious: Why does a coach (like myself) explore with clients about their emotions?

Our emotional state profoundly influences our well-being and performances at work. It can be very helpful to view emotions as tools in our toolbox. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, resentment aren’t necessarily bad. They can actually produce positive results when we know how to direct them. For example, fear is the emotion that helps us drive safely on the road (though this is so obvious that we miss it).

Emotions can be dangerous when we have little awareness of what these emotions are doing and how they can become destructive. By helping a client learn now they feel, express and name emotions, a coach is effectively helping a client take responsibility and ownership for these emotions. This process empowers a client to make decisions to improve their well-being and performance. This is why I love coaching. #justsaying

READ: THE EFFECTS OF SHAME AND HONOR CULTURE

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Musings About Ontological Coaching

When I was introduced to the ontological approach for intra-personal and interpersonal work, I found it very fascinating. I decided to deep-dive into this area. I am writing to share what I have learned and the impact I have experienced. I’m writing as a learner rather than an expert in this field.

You might be thinking: So what is Ontological Coaching?

It is a coaching approach rooted in “Ontology, the study of being.” This approach focuses on exploring how people function and make decisions, how people learn and adapt, and how people show up in different areas of their lives.

At the heart of the ontological approach lies two key ideas:

(1) The Concerned Observer
An individual (known in the field of ontological coaching as “the Observer”) sees, perceives and relates to the world in a very unique way that differs from others. A key word to summarize the uniqueness of each individual is “concern”. Each individual is a “Concerned Observer” and interprets and relates to the world based on his concerns. The interpretations will then lead the individual to a range of possibilities of action to achieve his desired results (relationships, work, finances, health, religion, etc).

(2) An Integrated Way of Being - Language, Emotions and Body
The Observer can be understood by examining three domains in an integrated manner – LANGUAGE, MOOD OR EMOTIONS, and BODY. The ontological approach not only addresses the importance of all three areas, it emphasizes the integration of all three domains to achieve sustainable or deep change. A person’s “Way of Being” is this dynamic interplay between the three domains that actively shapes perception and behaviour.
An ontological coach works with clients to examine their language (inner and expressed thoughts, stories, mindsets, beliefs), recurring emotions and moods, and their body (dispositions, breathing, fitness, health, flexibility). Given that many individuals have their “Way of Being” in a fragmented form, the very act of integrating the three domains often generate new results that can be transformational.

Here is an example of transitioning from an old “Way of Being” towards a New “Way”:
As an individual, I listened primarily to what people said and the words they used (language). I rarely pay any attention to my body and emotions (as well as those of others) when I communicate. In short, this is my fragmented “Way of Being” and I was not conscious of it.
As a parent to three kids, when I realized “language” was the last domain to develop in young children, I saw a gap in how I was communicating effectively with them. My fragmented “Way of Being” shows up in my default communication with my kids.
I started to explore how I could communicate with my kids using body, emotions, and language in a more integrated way. I started to give hugs and massages, scratch their backs, and hold their hands more intentionally. I committed to playing with them and being fully present. As I engage my kids in a more integrated manner, I notice my relationship with them has grown tremendously. I also noticed that this shift towards a new “Way of Being” has created a deep shift within my inner life. My kids have been responding to me more affectionately ever since this shift.

How is ontological coaching different from other approaches?

Here are some differences from my limited knowledge:

(1) First the WHO, then the WHAT
There are coaching approaches helping people develop new strategies, new skills, or new forms of communication. The ontological coaching approach is particularly interested in what’s happening in people’s perceptions and attitudes and how that affects the way people use their new skills and strategies. Borrowing the phrase from Stephen Covey, the ontological approach focuses on the Who before diving into the What.

For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

The ontological approach suggests that when we don’t address deep-seated perceptions and attitudes (WHO), we will miss out on massive opportunities to help people grow in their effectiveness (WHAT).For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

(2) First the WHO, then the WHY

In his book Start with Why, Simon Sinek taught us to ask why to seek out the purpose and meaning of what we do. However, having breakthroughs will require us to think differently. Have you had any of these thoughts before?

- Why do I struggle to trust this person?

- Why do I no longer feel excited about hitting my targets?

- Why do I lack confidence despite achieving consistently good results?

- Why did I put back the weight I worked so hard to lose?

- Why do I often feel that I am not being heard?

When we ask "Why" without working on the “Who”, we often do not see breakthrough results.

We assume we can generate breakthrough results using the same operating system. However, we keep seeing the same things and forming the same stories inside our heads. We make decisions “more or less” the same way.

When the operating system remains the same, any upgrading will eventually hit a limit. Even if there are breakthrough results, they do not sustain over some time.

Borrowing the words from James Clear (author of Atomic Habits):
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

Ontological coaching addresses the “who” by helping clients examine their existing system. This system is the dynamic interplay between the three domains. Ontological coaching explicitly focus on the “Way of being” to help clients upgrade to a stronger operating system.

(3) Not a Psychological Approach to Coaching
Unlike other approaches to coaching, ontological coaching does not have a psychological basis. An ontological approach to coaching is grounded in philosophy and the biology of cognition. Compared to other coaching traditions such as the cognitive-behavioural approach, ontological coaching is not based on the concept of mind but explicitly on the concept of Way of Being.

Many approaches are rooted in Descartes's concept of being human - 'I think, therefore I am'.

From an ontological perspective, human cognition is more than thinking. To consider humans only as thinking beings runs the risk of over-focusing on the domain of language and not explicitly attending to the equally important domains of emotions and body to facilitate change. Ontological coaching's methodology is unique in the explicit integration of language, emotions and body.

Article for Leaders and Managers

What’s the relevance of Ontological Coaching for organizations?

Ontological Coaching can be relevant to organizations and individuals in several ways:

(1) Ontological Coaching is a personal change methodology.
In the 1-1 coaching work, the coachees receive support in examining emotional habits and patterns, patterns that show up in the body as well as thought patterns. In exploring deeper concerns through uncovering these patterns, the potential breakthroughs experienced by individuals often bring deep and sustainable change. When individuals are transformed, team and organizational cultures will also be transformed. Apart from managers and employees, ontological coaching is powerful for anyone who might be involved in work that supports others (leaders, managers, parents, mentors, teachers, social workers, pastors, religious workers, etc).

(2) Ontological Coaching helps leaders do their Self-Work
Adding to the first point, ontological coaching is especially powerful for leaders in the organization. Though there are many offerings of leadership skills, lessons, tips, and strategies in the world, the distinctive belief is that leaders can only truly DO leadership from their way of BEING. If the leaders aren’t aware of what’s happening within them and do their self-work, the quality of their leadership and their influencing capacity will be compromised. The effectiveness of their leadership decisions and communication becomes limited and that has a great impact on the business results of an organization.

(3) The Ontological Approach is part of an Organizational Development (OD) Process
The ontological approach provides a lens that explores how organizations function. While it is often said that people are the most valuable resource and organizations run through people, the ontological approach suggests that it’s the interaction and conversations between people that make an organization tick. The ontological approach provides a very solid methodology and process to examine how leaders and employees are relating and interacting with others. The process empowers individuals to self-monitor and self-adjust the quality of their conversations. 

On top of empowering individuals, the ontological process empowers teams in examining the kind of conversations that are taking place or missing (conversations of trust, decision-making, accountability, moods, etc). Ineffective conversations continually cause a waste of time, effort, and energy and stifle creativity and innovation. The ontological approach provides leaders and employees with a detailed set of tools to pay attention to the way they are engaging in conversations.

Conclusion: A Personal Story - how the ontological approach has helped me:

I discovered that when I change my behavior without getting a sense of the kind of person I am (WHO), then under stress, I’ll revert to behaviors that I am conditioned in. This was my blind spot. I have been addressing the WHAT without addressing the WHO.

One of the discoveries I made while learning the ontological approach: for years, I lived with a subconscious belief that I am a bad listener. To improve my listening, I got myself equipped with deep listening skills, went for active listening courses, read Stephen Covey’s book, and learned many great principles. Unfortunately, I found change hard to be sustained.

Under stress at work or home, I will revert to my usual behavior of dominating a conversation and seeking to convince others through my speech. I was unaware of my emotional habits and body patterns (how I show up to others). For those who understand the CliftonStrengths language, I have Communication, Command, Self-Assurance as my dominant themes. I have often been perceived as one who is domineering, high “D” or Alpha.

Through the ontological approach, I discovered a significant difference between “being a listener” and “listening as an action”. I explored new ways of being as a “listener”. I started learning to listen through my body and emotions. I also uncovered the body and emotional patterns that are deeply intertwined with my old behaviors.

As I learn to embrace an integrated approach to listening, I started building new emotional habits and new body dispositions, The integrated approach to being a listener was transformational. I now feel happy listening to others (I honestly could not imagine my old self saying this). I am now comfortable with silence. I saw improvement in my relationships, especially with my wife and children. As I experienced a sustained change within me, this transformation also ignited a new passion. I’m proud to say, I am now a certified ontological coach.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

The Power of Naming An Emotion

In the middle of 2019, I took a sabbatical from my coaching work and left my company. One of the main factors behind my decision was the state of my emotional health. At the start of 2019, I had several indications that I was already not doing well emotionally. There were several incidents where I had allowed rage to get the better of me. These emotional outbursts happened at home and at work. However, I told myself that this was a normal phase in life. After all, I was living in a fast-paced and competitive society in Singapore, living a stressful life as an entrepreneur and being a father to 3 young kids.

The Tipping Point

However, by mid 2019, I had to stop telling myself the same narrative. The tipping point was a particular episode I had after a team debrief. As a company, we had just completed our largest training project - in terms of revenue and the number of training participants. The project was especially remarkable because it was birthed out of an innovation. There was no template, no previous experience of such kind and the team pulled it off. To top it off, the feedback from the participants was fantastic. The debrief was intended to celebrate this huge success and to brainstorm ways to overcome operational challenges. Unfortunately, the debrief did not turn out the way I hoped for it to go. Instead, I had an outburst, the brunt of which was borne by some of my team members. Emotionally, I felt horrible. That pain was significant enough to make me dread turning up for work. I eventually decided it was time I do something to address this issue. Stopping work was the first step.

On the home front, my wife and I had been discussing the idea of attending a therapy session together. The discussion started several years ago but we never got down to doing it. In the second month of my sabbatical, there was a particular conflict which we debriefed and reached agreement on. Regarding the state of the marriage: we were getting by but hardly thriving. We reached a consensus and agreed to attend a therapy session together. “Let’s do it.”

Going through Therapy

Based on some recommendations, we chose an organization called Counselling and Care Centre. They assigned a senior therapist to us and fixed a date. The first visit to the therapist was one filled with uncertainty. I had no idea how the session would turn out. Thoughts were flying through my head: “Will there be some deep issues flushed out during our conversation? Am I ready to hear them? What will my reaction be like if the wife said something that I’m not ready to hear? What will her reaction be if I did the same?” In the end, the fears were unfounded. I was relieved when I asked how she felt about the session and her response was a exuberant one. “Therapeutic!”

Naming my Emotion

We attended a few sessions together and we also had individual sessions. The third joint session, in particular, had a deep impact on me. I left that session feeling quite overwhelmed. Some raw emotions surfaced. During the session, I shared some of my feelings of frustration: there were many things I did which I received negative feedback from my wife. I felt I had done my best though. The feedback made me feel like my best was not enough. The therapist had us revisit some of these situations and eventually, my feelings of frustration was named: an emotion of defeat. I suddenly had an awareness that this feeling of defeat was not isolated to the marriage relationship. It was a feeling I had consistently experienced through out my life. I assessed that this emotion was what contributed to some of my worst outbursts.

READ: WHAT IS MY HEALTH WORTH?

I remembered feeling defeated when I was young. I scored an own goal in a soccer match and at the end of the match, I was ridiculed and laughed at. That experience left a stigma. I also remembered feeling defeated when I was learning to play a particular board game. I was thrashed by my opponents and humiliated. I felt utterly beaten. In the more recent years, I remembered feeling defeated when I was passed up for a promotion. The feeling of not being good enough for a promotion despite giving my best was very very strong. I remembered that particular incident made me depressed for a month. The most poignant realisation was identifying this same feeling of defeat at the team debrief which I mentioned earlier. That feeling of defeat ultimately led me to taking a sabbatical break. I remembered feeling that I had given my best to serve the team and led the team to a successful completion of the project. The debrief outcome however made me realized the success came at a far greater cost to the team. Trust was broken and relationships were strained.

Conclusion: We cannot intervene in what we cannot see. In naming this emotion of defeat, I now have something to work on and that has given me much hope. My marriage has also taken a different turn. A greater level of trust had been rebuilt and our ability to communicate had strengthened. I feel that my emotional health is now at a much better place. I have since ended my sabbatical and started a new journey. I now focus on helping people integrate strengths using the ontological approach in Singapore and across the world. I have continued with my therapy which has served me to become a better coach. I am able to observe my therapist in action and concurrently explore areas of growth. I now have a greater confidence in my coaching work.

This article is the second in the series of my Halftime journey.

Written by Victor Seet