CliftonStrengths: Complementary Partnerships Through Unlikely Pairings - Part 2

This is part 2 of Complimentary partnerships through the unlikely pairs of the CliftonStrengths themes.

The key question asked from the first article was:
“How can people with very different strengths work together?”

I’m attempting to answer the question by examining the polarities that I derive from the unlikely pairs from the list of CliftonStrengths 34 themes. From Gallup’s research data, the unlikely theme pairings which bring insights into polarities are: 


1. Deliberative - Woo;
2. Developer - Command; 
3. Empathy - Self Assurance; 
4. Discipline - Ideation; 
5. Harmony - Strategic; 
6. Maximizer - Restorative; 
7. Positivity - Deliberative. 

READ: Part 1 of Complimentary Partnership Through Unlikely Pairs

In this part 2, I will be touching from the fourth to the last pair. I will share my observations of how each theme within the pair has contrasting thinking, feeling and behavioural patterns. I will attempt to name the polarity so that we get an idea why these pairings can be powerfully complementary. Again, these are my own personal views as a coach based in Singapore.

4. Discipline and Ideation

People with Discipline require their world to be predictable. They set up routines and they need precision. They like things to be in order and planned. The need for structure often means they prefer to work within the box and not be taken by surprises. People with Ideation, on the contrary, enjoy newness and seeing things fresh. They are energized by out-of-the-box ideas. Innovative solutions are new perspectives developed on familiar challenges. They are often easily bored by routines and enjoy going beyond previously set parameters to develop fresh ideas and perspectives.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the need for stability AND change. Often, the routines bring a sense of predictability, which in turn, bring a sense of stability and safety. In a country like Singapore where survival is often a key narrative, stability at work is a need that workers require. On the other hand, what workers need and what businesses want creates the tension. Businesses need constant change and innovation to adapt to the dynamic business landscape. People with Ideation brings innovation and fresh perspectives. Leveraging this polarity helps to create a needed dynamic critical to building high performance teams.

5. Harmony and Strategic

People with the Harmony theme look for areas of agreement and consensus. They instinctively listen out for shared points of views. They prefer to help team members find common ground and have a preference for emotional efficiency, even if it means going on a longer route together. The journey towards camaraderie is often more valued than output efficiency. People with Strategic, on the other hand, prefer operational efficiency and having speed. Finding shortcuts is in the DNA. The results are often more valued than the team building process. They seek the path of least resistance and are prepared to rock the boat if they assess that a new path might bring greater results.

What does this partnership bring out?

The named polarity here is the need for emotional efficiency AND the need for output efficiency. To build a sense of togetherness, there is often the need for alignment through some levels of consensus building. Moving too fast without team alignment creates conflicts which in turn creates an emotional state that can be detrimental to team performance. Having the right level of emotional efficiency is helpful.
On the other hand, in the fast moving world of businesses, there is also a need for output efficiency and getting results. Leveraging this partnership allows for constructive exchanges on when it is critical to get buy-in from the team and when it is necessary to act efficiently and with speed to achieve the required outcomes. Leveraging this polarity creates more respect for each other and ultimately creates a stronger bond within the team. .

6. Maximizer and Restorative

People with the Maximizer theme see their world through the lens of excellence and beauty. They dislike mediocrity and being average. To a Maximizer, fixing something that is broken is akin to taking something from below average to average. That process takes a great deal of effort and often does not bring quality results. Maximizer prefers to focus on strengths to enhance quality and create high performance. On the other hand, people with Restorative love to solve problems. They see the world as a broken world and the world can be a better place by solving one problem at a time. Statistically, this pair is also the most unlikely to appear together in an individual’s top 5.

What does this partnership bring out? 

The named polarity here is Exceeding Expectations AND Meeting Expectations. Customers are constantly looking for higher levels of quality in products and services and making comparisons. Customers are also ready to complain if the products and services are not up to the committed standards. Leveraging this polarity allows for the delivery of strong business results.

Another possible polarity is building on strengths AND managing weaknesses. Leaders have often seen how a non-performing member pulls down the overall team performance and morale. Managing the weaknesses of team members is part of a key process to build high performance teams. Yet, self-actualization is a powerful driver. The ability to achieve excellence through focusing on our strengths is greatly desired. This polarity creates a powerful partnership in the people development space.

7. Positivity and Deliberative

People with Positivity are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in any situation. They have the desire to keep environments lighthearted and look to inject vitality and life into areas that feel dead and lifeless. People with Deliberative on the other hand are always on the lookout for danger and what might go wrong. They believe that life is better when expectations are managed well and precautions are well taken. 

What does this partnership bring out? 

The named polarity here is being optimistic AND realistic. Having an optimistic mindset helps us to have lightness in our approach at work. People with Positivity often draws on this lightness to spread the positive energy around. When team members catch on the positive energy, there are more laughter, a greater sense of psychological safety and more effective collaboration. In times of setback, the positive energy empowers the team to be resilient. On the other hand, having the realistic mindset helps the Deliberative to actively anticipate challenges that might derail the team’s efforts. The realistic mindset often carries a sense of burden which in turn, creates a sharp focus on delivering results. Creating back up plans and planning for worst-case scenarios are the norm.

Leveraging this polarity creates the ability to draw on the lightness to create a positive team spirit and the operational prowess of burden to create focus.

In conclusion: the above examples illustrate how many of the CliftonStrengths themes can be powerfully leveraged. The conflicts in perspectives between the different themes are not problems to be solved. They should be seen as perspectives to be leveraged. Leveraging these polarities can help teams and businesses thrive in this VUCA world.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

THE 15 BELIEFS THAT STOP YOU FROM LEARNING - and being resistance to change - coaching guide

In the book “Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth”, author Amy C. Edmondson describes the learning zone as the high-performance zone. This is the zone where people can collaborate, learn, and get complex work done. In a VUCA world, high performance occurs when people are actively learning as they go.

This article is about the beliefs that hinder people from learning. When we struggle with learning, we struggle with navigating change.

There are 15 beliefs described here and they are termed as “enemies of learning”. I learnt about these beliefs while doing my ontological coaching course under Newfield and have used these actively for my own coaching work. I often find that these beliefs can help unlock certain blindness, especially in how people resist learning which underpins the ability to navigate change in this increasing complex world. I have observed that these beliefs can be used powerfully to spark transformation and can be used as a guide for coaching conversations, leadership conversations and performance conversations.

I have added in my own understanding and elaborations about what these 15 beliefs are so that readers can benefit further.

1. Unwillingness to admit “I don’t know”

This was one of the dominant beliefs that I had to address for myself. For me, this belief is closely tied to a common mindset: “not knowing is a sign of weakness”. For many people, the idea that I have experienced this before so “I know how this works.” The lack of curiosity is usually more obvious to observers than the person himself. The unwilling to admit “I don’t know” because of the experience gained closes up the space for curiosity. Learning is hindered. There is an ongoing assessment that he or she already possessed the information and knowledge needed for a particular situation.

Conversely, people who are naturally curious often dwell in a “I don’t know” headspace. In this space, the brain actively look for new knowledge, information and pathways.

I observed that this unwillingness to admit “I don’t know” is common among leaders and managers who feel that leadership competency is closely tied with “knowing” and the assumption that when one has experience, it means one must have some knowledge of the subject. Any sign of “not knowing” can jeopardize power and influence so to admit “I don’t know” is a huge barrier.

2. When you don’t know that you don’t know but act as if you do

This particular enemy of learning centers around “acting” in a way to make others perceive that we know. The focus for such an individual is on making sure his or her responses and actions do not show the “lack of knowledge or understanding”. There is little priority on learning about the unknowns. This belief can also be possibly tied to the popular idea of “fake it till you make it”. There is an ongoing practice to produce an answer in every situation and to act as if one knows a solution even when he or she does not. This can be a trap for consultants, lawyers, or anyone who is highly paid because of the knowledge they have.

Overtime, this practice of faking lowers a person’s ability to be truly curious. The person’s brain is usually busy trying to come up with answers so as to be seen as one who knows. There can be multiple reasons why people choose to fake. The fear of “not looking stupid in front of others” is one idea.

3. Unaware that we have blindspots

Do you deliberately consider points of view shared by others? Do you intentionally reflect on what could be your blindspots? Do you actively gather feedback and pondered over why those feedback were given? These questions could help you discover if you are aware that we live in blindness.

When one is unaware that a person can have blindspots, the priority is often on justifying and defending one’s views more than considering other perspectives. This enemy of learning is highly correlated to people who often operate with strong assumptions and have little awareness of what is commonly termed as unconscious bias.

I observed that this phenomenon is especially common for people who experienced some level of success and live with an assessment that there is nothing much more to learn (since they have already experienced success). They tend to be confident in their abilities to perform and deliver results. They might not be conscious of how they are coming across to others. They can be less sensitive to power dynamics and less sensitive to how others who are less experienced, less privileged, less resourced, are feeling.

4. “I should already know”

Is this an internal talk that you have after you made a mistake? There is a tendency to beat yourself up rather than being curious to learn (after a mistake is made). This belief unfortunately hinders learning that can take place from a setback. Instead, the belief focused the individual towards self-blame. During a setback, this belief triggers an emotional response (usually negative) and generates negative thoughts for the individual.

The possible assessment held by is “why am I so stupid? I should have known better!” Such an assessment is prevalent in cultures where speed and efficiency is worshipped. Failures are amplified and there is an assumption that if people are of a particular status, position, experience, success should be “in the bag”. There is little tolerance to embrace failures. “I should already know” comes from the belief that because of past experiences gained, success is to be expected.

This particular enemy of learning is also prevalent in sub-cultures that believe that knowledge is the key to learning and knowledge equals the ability to do. When someone fails to do something and achieve certain results, the internal self-talk of “I should already know”” can be quite condemning.

5. “I have to be clear about everything, all the time”

Have you met people who you feel are “control freaks”? They ask many questions and often demonstrate their insecurities and anxieties through the extensive amount of questions asked.

The belief centers around “the more information I get, the more certain I will become.” This leads one to be obsessed with information finding to handle uncertainties. Unfortunately, having information (knowledge) and processing information (learning) are two separate distinctions.

This belief focuses a person towards an excessive search for information and often hinders a person from learning how to handle uncertainties and change. This was evidently seen during the Covid context. The fears and anxieties lead many to find out as much information as they possibly can, hoping that the information can bring a sense of control.

When there is an assessment that everything can be managed and be under control (with enough knowledge), a sudden or surprise change (leading to many unknowns) usually triggers a negative emotional response such as panic, fear or anxiety. The negative emotion subsequently shuts off the neocortex part of the brain. This limits the ability for the brain to learn and find new pathways to respond to changing circumstances.

6. Forgetting the domain of emotions and its impact on learning

People living with this belief give little regard to the emotional context surrounding learners and how emotions influence the effectiveness of learning. Researcher and Author Amy C. Edmondson wrote that when a person feels psychologically safe, it shapes the propensity to engage in learning behaviors, such as information sharing, asking for help, or experimenting”

Parents (including myself) are the big culprits, often rebuking and dishing out knowledge at the same time while the child is emotionally affected. There is little awareness that the child has very limited ability to retain what is being shared. Rather, the child remembers the trauma of the “scolding received” and remembers how the parent made the child feel. As learners, our ability to learn is largely connected to how we are feeling at the moment of the learning.

There are also many cultures that hold strong beliefs that emotions often lead to unfavorable and unwise decisions. The cultural belief is that we are to shut our emotions down to have improved performances. “Men do not cry” is the classic belief that illustrates this enemy of learning.

Rather than tap into the emotion (such as sadness and what the sadness could be revealing) as a source for learning, the focus is on shutting off the emotion to conform to cultural behaviours. Leaders who ignore the domain of emotions are observed to have very limited leadership effectiveness.

7. Distrust

A teacher walks into the room and you immediately assess that you will not learn much from this teacher. Whatever the reasons might be, distrust is a big enemy of learning. It is important to be aware if we are generally more trusting or less trusting. That has implications on our ability to learn from others, from our experiences or from our failures. If you are someone who perhaps acknowledge that you are easily skeptical and less trusting in nature, this could be an area to be watchful.

In the working world, trust and distrust are major contexts, the backgrounds out of which actions (or non-actions) spring. As more collaborative and coordinating work are being demanded across organizations, the theme of trust is a great indicator to assess how teams are learning, innovating and performing.

As an ontological coach, I’ve encountered many leaders who do not pay attention to the context of trust and how the mood of distrust severely hinders learning and the ability to navigate change.

8. Confusing “knowing” with “knowing about”

Will you want to learn swimming from someone who cannot swim or learn driving from someone who does not have a driving license? The response might be obvious but we can be easily confused by those who know and those who simply have lots of opinions about a subject.

Many are led to believe that they have learnt a lot because they know so much details about a particular topic. This confusion is often made worse by the vast amount of information that can be found on the web. Anyone can be an “expert”. Just look at how many influencers have become experts overnight and strategically use this confusion to spread untruths.

As a side note, it is useful to do a personal reflection because of the massive information we possess on our fingertips:
Do you notice if you are happy with simply having lots of information about a subject? What do you notice about your ability to act on the knowledge you have gained?

9. Addiction to novelty

Are you one of those who moves quickly towards things that are novel or new? Are you easily bored by doing the same thing again and again? It has been researched and observed that the road to mastery on a particular skill or competency often includes seasons of plateau. The grind to practice something over and over again creates grit and patience and ultimately lead to mastery. The one who moves on too quickly out of boredom misses the boat.

You might want to notice if you move on quickly from one thing to another. While there is seemingly nothing wrong with this practice, it does create a learning habit that might potentially stop you from experiencing deep personal transformation.

10. Addiction to answers

There is a common perception that not knowing the answer makes a person feels unintelligent. For most jobs, people are paid to find answers. The addiction to answers however can be a big stumbling block to learning.

When efficiency is prized above innovation, one prioritizes answers over questions. Yet, often it is the curiosity zone where good questions are asked and breakthroughs are experienced.

This particular enemy of learning is seen in behaviours where one gets hooked to the initial answers and solutions without holding the space for uncovering underlying roots. This recurring thought pattern stops one from going deeper to gain transformation.

I invite you to practice staying in the curiosity zone for a tad longer even when you feel that you already have an answer.

11. Not granting permission to be taught

“Who are you to tell me what to do?”

A sense of entitlement can often hinder us. Have you felt like you have spent more time researching on a subject or you have more experience in a particular area and therefore reject learning from others (especially when you believe they are unworthy)?

Ego and pride is often a big hindrance to one’s capacity to learn and navigate change.

This is commonly seen in people who are in senior positions, important roles and assess themselves as expert in their own field. Enough said.

12. Making everything overly significant or trivial

To make a mountain out of a molehill was a term coined when a person makes too much of a minor issue. We might even say such a person is over-dramatic. This person could be habitually bursting into tears, having anger outbursts or spiraling into a chain of negative thoughts.

The challenge here is when such a person regularly assigns tremendous weight to something that has happened and makes a big drama, there is little emotional space left to engage learning.

In this context, some form of lightness is helpful. The ability to laugh at oneself is a big friend of learning.

Making everything overly trivial also hinders learning. Have you met those who are unwilling to let the conversation get serious enough to get to the real issues? Conversations usually stop at the superficial level. There is a habit of deflecting (usually through humor) when something important is about to be revealed. This can be commonly observed in team setting where learning is hindered because humor is used to quickly defuse tension.

13. Living in permanent assessments or judgments

Have you had such a strong opinion about something or someone that make others feel like it’s unlikely for you to accept another point of view? Not being aware that we hold what is essentially an opinion as a Truth (or an assertion) can hinder us from learning. There is little or no space to perhaps hold a counter perspective in tension.

“He is always so full of himself.”
”The situation will never change”.
”What’s the point of trying when we will end up getting hurt ourselves?”

If your language and internal thoughts often reflect any of these statements above, this could be an enemy of learning (unconsciously) that you might be holding.

14. Living in the belief “I cannot learn, given who I am”.

I observed this commonly in two kinds of people - those who consider themselves as experts and those who see themselves as “stupid” in a particular field.

There is a distinction between a Master and an Expert. The Master stay out of the “I know the answer zone” as long as possible. An Expert stay in the “I know the answer” zone as long as possible. Individuals who feel a need to maintain the public identity of “being an expert” in a particular field are often in danger of not asking the questions necessary to open up learning.

When someone feels “stupid” in a particular field, the person often generates an identity (subconsciously) to maintain that they are right in their assessment. “I can’t dance; I am bad at math; I suck at public speaking” etc are the common beliefs that people generate to reinforce the assessment of their “identity”.

To let go of the belief we have of ourselves can be rather painful especially when we have held on to this belief for a long time. Letting go fully means we have to act against the belief (and might end up with results that might make us uncomfortable).

Personal story: I assess that I can’t dance. When I eventually did a dance in front of a group of friends, it actually felt freeing. I had a good laugh at myself. I also felt I had a breakthrough.

15. Forgetting the body as the domain of learning

In many countries, there is a common perception that learning occurs when a person gains understanding. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth.

For most things in life, learning occurs in the body more than in the head. When there is no practice, there are no new results.

Whether it is using excel, doing slides on powerpoint, cooking, driving, swimming, cycling, public speaking, listening, negotiations, selling etc, only practice brings new results.

An active listener is one who practices listening and navigates the challenges involved rather than one who has completed courses on active listening. Huge difference.

Thank you for your patience in finishing this article. Hope this article creates a reflection for you as much as it did for me.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

The Four Archetypes of Learners - Coaching Guide

As a professional coach based in Singapore, I am passionate about helping people gain deeper levels of self awareness. I believe that in doing so, individuals can use the learnings to achieve more effective results in the area of personal growth and development.

This article is on the topic of learning and covers the different archetypes of learners. It is a follow up to the piece I wrote on the 15 beliefs that hinder learning. Both articles are written with the desire to create deeper self awareness.

As you have a read about the four archetypes of learners, my wish is that you can use the information to do a simple profile of yourself. See if you can identify a particular archetype that you might be engaging with consistently.

THE Dabbler

The Dabbler says “I want to pick up this skill as a hobby. It looks fun. The joy of learning is very important to me. I find lots of joy when I started off as a beginner and acquire the basic competency. I feel happy that I can tell myself and others that I now know this skill.”

“I’m not looking to excel. Longer term practice might not be part of the purpose I pick up this skill. I will work hard to acquire the skill to a basic competency level and I’ll be very satisfied. After that, I will move on to the next skill that I find interesting. At work, I am usually seen as a dynamic all-rounder, who has the required competencies of many different inter-connected skills relevant to my job scope and role. I am also known as the one who is constantly picking up new hobbies. I love work environments that are highly dynamic. I love the type of work that provides many opportunities to learn different types of skills.”

The Obsessive

The Obsessive says “I am results oriented and performance oriented. I am the type of person who is determined to reach my goals and my key performance indicators (KPIs). When I learn, it’s tied to my Return On Investment (ROI). The skill I am practicing must make me better and help me achieve my personal and professional goals. At work, I am usually seen as the outstanding performer.”

“Whenever I am not gaining the results from my learning practices, I’ll re-examine the process and find different ways to make it better. I take pride in producing results through my learnings and hard work. My satisfaction comes from the results I receive and not so much the joy of learning. The time to stop is when my goals have changed or I assess that the ROI is not worth the trade-off of my energy, time and resources.”

The Hacker

The Hacker says “I’m interested in finding the fastest way to pick up the new skill. I enjoy the hacking process. Finding shortcuts gives me the thrill and satisfaction. It’s about the speed of learning and knowing I can hack my way through. I’m not concerned if I have missed the foundations required for long term success. I feel happy when I get quick results from my initial investment.”

“Being seen as smart and a fast learner is important to me. I am often seen as the one who can deliver quick results within a short time frame. People see me as a good problem solver in time-sensitive situations because of my ability to hack my way through.“

The Master

The Master says “I’m in for the long haul. I believe in being the Master in a particular field. I understand the process of learning and how my body will take time to learn. I believe that a person needs to be consistent on this path towards being a master and there are no shortcuts to mastery. I will not rush through the learning process. I am determined to persevere through the periods of plateau. The plateau is necessary for my body to learn and adjust.”

“I fully embrace the paradox of being both the expert and a beginner as I pursue mastery. I believe in the Growth Mindset and I work hard to seek continuous improvement. I’ll enrol teachers and mentors into my practice and actively get supervision and feedback. At work, I am often seen as the leading authority in a particular field. I hope to be able to guide others as well in pursuing this pathway of mastery.”

SUMMARY:
Here’s four questions for your reflection and application as you consider these four archetypes of learners.

1. Which of these archetypes do you identify with most often (show up a lot in your life?
   

2. Which area of your life does other archetypes show up?
   

3. What advantages and disadvantages has the dominant archetype brought for you?
   

4. As you learn the distinctions of each archetype, what might be the next steps for you?

**IMPORTANT NOTE: The profiles are not my own and are adapted from the book “Mastery” by George Leonard. I will like to acknowledge his great work that has been extremely useful for my own learning. I have added in my own inputs and assessments as a Professional Coach so that readers can use the archetypes to generate more awareness in the day to day working contexts.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Victor is an accredited ICF Advanced Certified Team Coach (ACTC) and Professional Certified Coach (PCC) based in Singapore. He is also a Newfield Certified Ontological Coach and CliftonStrengths Coach. Victor facilitates teams to leverage their collective strengths, get clear on ways of engagement and ways of working to strengthen team and interpersonal dynamics. Victor specializes in integrating strengths-based and ontological approach into his team coaching and leadership workshops. Victor is Director of Coaching and Leadership Development at StrengthsTransform™

How to Systematically Build Our Performance Capacity

If you are an iPhone, what model might you be? Are you an iPhone 15 or are you still an iPhone 6?

In 2023, I have made an observation about expectations when it comes to performance. I notice an assumption that we can create a higher level of performance even when we operate at the same level of capacity. I notice this assumption operates not just at work but especially in marriages. 

Most people understand that the iPhone 15 can far outperform an iPhone 6. Yet, I notice that many don’t seem to see the need to upgrade themselves to perform at a higher level. I define performance widely, including thriving in relationships.

Below are some observations I have about people’s assumptions:

• the capacity to perform as an individual contributor will also allow the same person to perform as a manager.

• the capacity to perform in their thirties will also allow the same person to perform in their forties. 

• the capacity to manage one kid (and juggle many multiple responsibilities) will also allow the same person to manage two kids and other growing responsibilities.

The list goes on. 

I also observe that the consequences of not growing, damage marriages more than work or career. The emotional damage from a broken marriage takes a huge toll on individuals. I am currently speaking to or coaching many in their 30-40s who are facing a breakdown in their marriage. The underlying reason seems to be the lack of growth (in capacity). The school of hard knocks worked for the past generations. Unfortunately, the younger generations might not be used to this.

Performance and capacity are intrinsically related. Capacity can be simply defined as the upper limit or the maximum potential to perform at a certain defined level. While there are many factors contributing to performance, capacity is the baseline. 

If a car’s speed is performance, the engine capacity defines the maximum limit or potential. If an athlete wants to perform, the physical fitness level defines the capacity. If a laptop needs to process high quality videos and images, the processor speed of the laptop defines the capacity. To make a great cup of coffee, the coffee beans define the capacity. 

So what?

One reason to continuously build our capacity is to LIVE OUT OUR FULLEST POTENTIAL.

And how can we do that?

There is a need to systematically build our capacity. 

One key aspect of human potential is the capacity to operate under discomfort. When one is required to play at a higher level, the stakes are increased. With greater level of responsibilities, there is an increase in the level of stress. There is an increase in the level of pressure. We need to grow our “discomfort” muscles.

Building our capacity requires a systematic gradual exposure to putting ourselves in situations outside of our comfort zone. The exposure level is then gradually and systematically increased. This helps us build resilience and confidence in handling discomfort. Just like how our bodies learn to systematically adapt when we are learning cycling, swimming or rollerblading, the body can be systematically tuned to handling discomfort. The increase in our ability to sit in discomfort grows our human potential. Almost all types of growth require us to play outside of our comfort zone.

Here’s five steps to systematically build our capacity.

1. Identify and Rank Discomfort Areas:

We can start by noticing the specific activities we are procrastinating or avoiding. There isn’t a need to judge ourselves. The aim is to be aware of specific activities that will create tensions within our bodies or trigger emotional responses like fear, anxiety or even resentment.

Once we have identified these areas, we can rank the discomfort from least to most uncomfortable. This ranking allows us to know how to systematically progress. 

2. Create practices of being in Discomfort:

This is the critical part of the 5 steps. We can start with small practices of being in discomfort to stress test the body. The purpose is to get the body used to small doses of discomfort. We can create highly personalized practices that stir up discomfort within the body. For me, these practices include smiling and greeting neighbours, wearing bright colours instead of my black tees, driving on the slower lane, fasting from coffee once a week.  

3. Start engaging in the identified areas of Discomfort:

When our practices become more consistent, we can start to intentionally engage in the activities that we avoid or procrastinate. The idea is to do the activity despite the level of discomfort and notice our responses and growth: How have we adjusted in terms of our discomfort? What new narratives might be emerging? What ew possibilities are we now open to?

By intentionally engaging and noticing, we can adjust our approaches. The thing to take note is that growth seldom happens in a straight line. We need to be patient with our results.

4. Gradually Increase Our Exposure to Discomfort:

At this stage, we can create new practices that will challenge us to level up our capacity. Increasing the intensity of the practices can also be an alternative.

For example, I started practicing swimming underwater and holding my breath for as long as I can. The aim is to put my body under stress and systematically build resilience. I gradually went from 25metres to 30 metres to 40 metres.

The result was interesting. I found myself being able to absorb and notice my discomfort. I found myself being able to respond rather than react under stress.

5. Find Accountability Partners:

As a coach, I am a huge believer in leveraging the power of accountability. I recommend setting a support system. As a coach, I engaged my own coach and have monthly sessions. I also create my own trusted circle of friends who know about my goals and can provide support or challenge me when needed.

As I continue to practice these five steps, I found myself more resilient, more calm under pressure and more adaptable. I found I can also play to my strengths at a higher level. As an ontological coach, I wholeheartedly recommend you to practice building your capacity and potential if you desire to play at a higher level.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Have You Heard of a Commitment to a Mood?

A commitment is like a promise. It is doing what we say we will do.

The idea of commitment is the idea of “all in”. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. Those who fully commit do not add a “but” or “if” or have any secret back doors - invisible conditions that will help them out of a situation when they cannot achieve that task. 

Commitment is often associated with the finishing of a task. For those familiar with the CliftonStrengths assessment, the people with the ‘Responsibility’ theme understand commitment intuitively. They have an innate motivation to take ownership of the tasks they commit to and follow through to completion.

Have you also heard of a commitment to a mood?

A mood is an emotion that we want to stick around with. A mood has a longer-lasting effect on a person. It is an emotional state that we want to stay in. The mood affects our thoughts and actions. We are likely to smile when we are committed to joy and peace. We are likely to think “I am sure he did not mean it” and give the person the benefit of the doubt when we are committed to gratitude. We are likely to complain or connect a person’s behavior to his lack of moral standards when committed to resentment.

As an ontological coach, I saw a distinction between a commitment to a task and a commitment to a mood.

Similarities: 

• Both forms of commitment require ownership.

• Both forms of commitment demonstrate a follow-through of the intent.

Differences

• When we commit to a task, we follow through by completing the task. When we commit to a mood, we follow through by creating stories in our heads that reflect the emotion we want to stick with. 

• Commitment to a task is often visible and easily observable. Commitment to a mood is often invisible and not easily observed by the owner of the mood. 
  

Let me share two examples of a commitment to a mood.

(1) Have you had a memory of a holiday filled with many unexpected turns of events? You lost your luggage. Your flight got delayed. You forgot to bring your passport to the airport. You lost something you bought. You lost your way traveling to a particular destination. 

Yet, despite the obstacles and discomfort experienced, you quickly found things to be thankful for and grateful for. You created stories in your head to preserve the mood you strongly wanted to stay in. None of the setbacks changed your commitment to stick to joy and gratitude. You proudly declare to others that it was a great holiday experience. And you desire for more of such trips. This example is an idea of committing to a mood. You were committed to experiencing gratitude and joy for the holiday. Nothing got in your way of staying with these emotions you were committed to. 

(2) Have you had a memory of being frustrated and angry for the entire day? The coffee was bad. The lunch was dissatisfying. The project meeting was unproductive and a waste of time. You felt your client’s demands were unreasonable. You were irritated by the attitudes of your colleagues The list goes on. 

This example is a commitment to a different mood, perhaps resentment. When we commit to the mood of resentment, every story in our head points to frustration, injustice, and unfairness. We will often find something to blame. And we will commit to being right about our story. The commitment to stay RIGHT and to see our story as the truth is a hallmark of resentment. We seek acknowledgment from others about the story we hold. When others do not agree with us, we feel even more resentful and frustrated. There is a sense of how the world is so unfair. The mood of resentment broods distrust.

A Related Article: Listening Through Our Mood

What are the benefits of seeing this distinction of commitment to a mood?


1. Seeing the distinction allows us to break free from emotional entanglements. The mood no longer owns us. When we gain awareness of our commitment to a mood, we become more aware of the stories we regularly churn out in our heads. Seeing empowers us to own our mood and make choices. Seeing helps those who feel stuck and unsure why their thought patterns keep recurring. Conversely, when we see our recurring stories, we also identify the mood that might be invisible to us. 

2. Seeing allow us to choose. We can choose to remain in the mood. We can choose to break free and create another new mood to be committed to. The ability to choose increases personal agency. For example, the emotion of resentment is neither good nor bad. It is the emotional energy that propels people to break through a high level of resistance to see justice served. The emotional energy from resentment helps us stand up for the bullied. It also helps us speak up for the silenced. However, when we commit to being in the mood of resentment, we are also actively creating stories in our heads that block out the possibilities of gratitude, joy, grace, and forgiveness. Seeing allows us to choose wisely depending on context.

3. It is possible that highly committed individuals act and behave in ways detrimental to their own mental and emotional health. Seeing the distinction allows these people (including ourselves) to see the darkness or the shadow side of commitment. 

Reflection: what mood have you been committed to at work, at home, or for specific relationships?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Emotional Intelligence with CliftonStrengths

As a believer in the strengths-based approach, I have been integrating emotional intelligence with strengths intelligence as I continue my practice into the ontological approach to coaching. It is something I have been experimenting with over the past few years. This article explores how I have been integrating these two areas of human intelligence. Specifically, this article presents how I have used the CliftonStrengths profiling to enhance emotional intelligence.

If you google emotional intelligence, you will come across four components - self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. This article explores these four specific components of emotional intelligence.

Self-Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-awareness is the ability to see how our emotional states affect our daily living, such as our decision-making or our communication with others. It is the ability to know ourselves and understand our feelings.

For example, when we are in an emotional state of anger, we are predisposed to retaliate in words or actions. When we are in an emotional state of curiosity, we are predisposed to ask questions and gain new knowledge and understanding.

CliftonStrengths assessment can help individuals understand the likely emotional habits they might have built over time (albeit subconsciously).

Here are some examples:
1. Individuals with high Responsibility might have developed emotional habits such as anxiety, worry, fear, etc. They are predisposed to feeling burdened because of the responsibilities they carry. In Singapore, some with the Responsibility theme might be called a “kancheong spider” (a term to describe individuals often flustered while dealing with anxiety).

2. Using a combination of two CliftonStrengths themes: Individuals with both the Activator and Achiever primarily focus on getting things started and finishing tasks. They might be predisposed to developing the emotional habit of ambition and perhaps less likely to experience the emotional state of calmness or peace.

3. People with the Maximizer or Restorative are often viewed as “perfectionists”. They are less likely to declare satisfaction with the tasks they have completed. Things are often “not good enough”. They are less likely as well to experience peace.

Our emotional habits are often formed from our instincts to think, feel and behave.

As a coach, I feel that gaining this insight empowers individuals to have the choice of building new emotional habits to expand their human capacity and deepen their level of maturity. This knowledge helps individuals to build deeper self-awareness through the perspective of emotional habits. This knowledge also provides a more comprehensive understanding of themselves.

Self-Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-management is the ability to regulate our emotions in different situations and not let our emotions get the better of us. It is emotional regulation and self-control.

With the CliftonStrengths tool, knowing the basement (infancy) and balcony (mature) state of the CliftonStrengths themes empowers individuals to regulate their behaviors and actions. With knowledge of our basement and balcony state, we can more deliberately match our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the different situations and contexts for effectiveness. The ability to regulate our behaviors helps us to be more emotionally intelligent.

E.g The basement state of the Harmony theme includes sweeping things under the carpet or keeping silent in the face of questionable behaviors, usually for fear of conflicts. When an individual intentionally regulates his behavior and grows towards a more mature or balcony state of Harmony, it is a hallmark of being emotionally intelligent.

Conversely, not developing the Harmony theme toward maturity might cause long-term negative consequences. As a coach, I often observe resentment surfacing when individuals remain in the basement state of Harmony. This emotional state of resentment often produces more harm for individuals and hinders their ability to do effective self-management.

An article on moods

Social Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, social awareness is the ability to identify the emotions of others and use that knowledge to demonstrate empathy, connect with others and be inclusive. It is about how we relate with others, especially with people who are very different. While some view diversity as a fact of life, the idea of “common sense” shows that people expect uniformity in behaviors.

CliftonStrengths helps in two ways.

Firstly, it provides data statistically to show the odds of two persons having the same five themes in the same order is 1 in 33 million. This data has often helped those who are data-driven to embrace the diversity of those they work with.

Secondly, the CliftonStrengths profiles and write-ups provide a language in how people with certain themes think, feel and behave differently. This means that individuals and leaders can now use the strengths language intentionally to relate and interact with others.

For example, a person with the Relator theme often prefers deep conversation in a one-to-one setting. When a leader intentionally sets up regular catch-ups with the Relator, with either party able to propose their agendas for discussions, trust builds up. The CliftonStrengths tool allows leaders to increase their emotional intelligence by customizing approaches that meet the needs of different individuals.

Relationship Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, relationship management is the ability to collaborate, build trust and manage interpersonal conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths tool helps individuals to identify their strengths and blindspots. When individuals do their inner work and uncover these blindspots, they can make more appropriate and productive social decisions in different situations.

For example, individuals with the Deliberative theme see that their unique lens is often that of risk assessment. They will take time to consider the different risks before they act. Making appropriate and productive decisions could include making timely requests to others. In working with others, they might make known their decision-making process and request adequate time and space to make a decision. This process allows them to be better collaborators. It is also a mark of demonstrating high emotional intelligence.

The CliftonStrengths tool also helps individuals manage conflicts by identifying how others think, feel, and need. For example, a frustrated Analytical person might have these thoughts. “Where is the proof? What reliable data do we have? To resolve the potential conflict, we have to understand an Analytical person needs to have different data points that can withstand scrutiny. Meeting the needs of those we work with will help us manage conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths profiles also reveal, through the different themes, how individuals need to tap into specific strengths that enhance emotional intelligence for a particular situation and downplay those that hinder emotional intelligence. When individuals do that intentionally, they can make more situationally appropriate social decisions and moves.

For example, when an individual with both Achiever and Learner questions why a colleague has not completed a given task, the Achiever is usually more judgmental while the Learner is more curious. Tuning up the Learner theme and tuning down the Achiever will probably help this individual make a more appropriate social response.

Ending note: As an ontological practitioner, I embrace the idea that humans perform better when they see their strengths and emotional habits as integrated. I am happy to report that coaching clients have given me feedback that this integrated approach has empowered them to gain clarity of their inner life and has given greater ownership towards transforming their lives.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

A Manager's Guide to Understanding Emotions and Conversations

As a male who grew up in Singapore, I bought into a cultural narrative that “guys don’t do emotions”. Most of the male authority in my life hardly expressed their emotions. I was repeatedly taught that emotions can make you commit to decisions that you will regret. I grew up hearing things like “men do not cry; don’t waste time dwelling on your emotions”. The topic of emotions was one I had difficulty grasping. In fact, my entire body reacts when another person starts to tear in front of me. As I was growing up, I was determined to be strong in my mental strength and to control my emotions (mostly by suppressing).

It is now 2022 as I am writing this article. I have since realized that emotions have a profound effect on what I can and cannot achieve in areas of relationships, leadership, work, spirituality etc. If I want to be an effective leader, it is no longer enough to thrive in the “rational zone”. I need to do deeper self-work to understand, experience and learn emotions. This will ultimately increase my effectiveness to create psychological safety, mentor and coach others, listen well, to name a few important leadership competencies.

As I continue to pursue breakthroughs in the domain of emotions, I am hoping to help other leaders (especially male leaders) do the same. This article is written to explore the impact of moods and emotions on conversations. The below points are a combination of my learnings as an ontological coach, a leader, a parent and a father.

Impact of Moods and Emotions on Conversations

1. Language and actions affect emotions.

Our mood and emotion changes when we received good or bad news. I have experienced joy and satisfaction when a client accepts my business proposal. I have experienced sadness when I am listening to stories about friends struggling with cancer or personal loss.

Emotions are embedded in stories we tell others and ourselves. In a digital world overflowing with data, I observed that many managers struggle to see it is the stories (derived from the data) that can move the hearts of the audience. Data and facts cannot create an emotional connection. It is also the stories we tell ourselves that inspire faith and hope or create fear and anxiety within us.

Implication: Storytelling is a skill that managers cannot afford to neglect, especially in the digital world. Telling stories is now akin to communicating purpose and vision. Telling powerful stories create the emotional connection needed for people to be stirred into action. It is true not only for others but ourselves.

2. Moods and emotions are highly predictive of future actions

From a young age, children learnt how to analyze the moods of their parents before they make a request. Intuitively, they are aware that they have a much better chance to get their desired outcomes when their parents are in a good mood.

Philosopher, Humberto Maturana, provides a definition that I personally found to be extremely helpful: emotions and moods are predispositions for action. He observed that according to the mood and emotions we are in, some actions are possible while others are not. For example, if you are in a mood of distrust, the possibilities of coordinating action with another team member are reduced compared to if you are in a mood of gratitude.

Implication: When managers can read the moods and emotions of their teams, they possess a set of data that are highly predictive of the team’s level of engagement, collaboration and trust level. All of these are highly predictive of the team’s performance. Therefore the ability to read and sense the moods and emotions (aka emotional intelligence) can be an important area of leadership development.

3. Creating a shift in the mood brings about new results

If we happen to be in a good mood, the future will look bright and vice versa. Regardless whether the meetings are for brainstorming, coordinating actions or resolving conflicts, managers who can skillfully create a shift in the mood of a conversation to a more uplifting one has a far greater chance of achieving a productive outcome. The ability to create a shift in the emotional state helps a manager to bring about a new of results that are otherwise not possible based on the prevailing mood.

Implication: On top of reading the mood of the team (point 2), facilitating a shift in the mood of a team is an important skill that cannot be ignored. Managers who develop competency in this particular area will become more effective in leading their team.

4. Emotions and moods affect how we listen.

Depending on the moods and emotions we are in, our conversations can look very different because we speak and listen differently. Determining the prevailing mood of a conversation and assessing if the mood sets the required context to achieve the desired conversational outcome is a strategic leadership skill. This skill is particularly powerful for crucial conversations - business presentations, strategic planning, sales negotiations, performance management etc. These are examples of conversations in which managers want to be intentional to frame and prepare listeners to be open and curious to the agenda and the content of the meeting.

Implication: Managers need to pay close attention to the mood and emotions of the participants in crucial conversations. By noticing the emotions, managers get precious data to adapt their approaches for more effective outcomes.

Read: Listening Through Our Mood

5. Moods are often transparent

A mood can be defined as an emotional habit practiced by a person over a long period of time. It is observed that many people are not aware that they have a “mood”. Moods are often transparent (or invisible) to the individual. We often hear people saying “This is just the way I am and how I do things. Do not expect me to change.” When people do not see that they have a “mood”, they are not able to take responsibility for the mood they have created.

Implication: Managers can coach their team to be aware of the impact of emotions and mood on conversations. By helping others understand that it is the mood that affect our actions, managers can empower team members to take responsibility in how they show up in meetings.

6. Emotions and moods are highly contagious

When we are regularly interacting with people with negative moods, we could expect to soon be in a negative mood ourselves. Most teams usually have one or two individuals who sets the “mood” tone in meetings. These people are the mood-setters. The mood-setters can quickly influence and affect the mood of the entire team positively or negatively by what they say or do. This is because emotions and moods are highly contagious according to neuroscience.

Implication: Managers have to watch closely the moods and emotions of the “mood-setters” in the team. Given their influence, the team’s performance can be elevated or diminished because of how these mood-setters behave. Frequent check-ins especially before important meetings could be helpful. Managers can also be the mood-setter themselves. Managers should develop the habit of checking in with themselves, grow their level of self-awareness and practice self-management. By doing so, they can choose how they want to show up in the team meetings.

7. A team’s mood is representative of the team’s morale

When a team is filled with people who consistently displayed negative emotions, it is highly predictive that the morale on the team will quickly decline if there is no effective intervention. Most managers understand that morale is a crucial factor in overcoming obstacles, winning battles and adapting to organizational changes.

Lifting a team’s morale is more than having team building events or team lunches. Lifting a team’s morale in a sustainable manner is closely connected to deepening the level of trust and care for one another. And building trust and care is dependent on the team’s prevailing mood.

Implication: Recognizing the prevailing mood of a team brings forth an important set of data to a modern manager - understanding and measuring the team’s morale. Managers who believe in creating and sustaining a strong team morale must consider developing their emotional intelligence.

Ending Note: I hope the above 7 points capture succinctly the benefits of understanding the mood of a team and facilitating shifts in team moods. Growing in this area has given me many personal breakthroughs especially in relationships. I hope this short article inspires others to dive deeper in learning about emotions and moods.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Coaching - the Competency Needed to Develop Future Leaders

With the aging workforce, leadership renewal has been a greatly discussed topic for many organizations. As the workforce is slowly populated with Generation Z workers, it is imperative for organizations seeking renewal, to be more prepared by anticipating what the younger generations are seeking.

It is observed that coaching, as a leadership competency, seems well-suited to develop young talent to take on leadership roles. The process of coaching invites self-reflection and self-assessment, which helps individuals grow in personal wisdom and performance for sustained personal effectiveness. Through coaching, the individual is able to apply their self-discovered solutions, and ideas to different situations and contexts they encounter. For this purpose of developing future talent, present leaders should consider the need to develop coaching skills for themselves.

Why Coaching is key to develop Future Leaders?

1. Empowerment is prized over Instruction

The newest member of the workforce, Generation Z, grew up having access to an infinite amount of information. This generation is more used to turning to Google and other social media platforms for answers rather than their managers, teachers or parents. They prefer self-directed learning. They will fact-check against what their parents, teachers and managers have told them. In fact, they might be used to challenging what people in authority says. On top of that, the digital world has also created platforms like YouTube and Tik Tok that allow multitude of voices to be heard. Therefore, the need is learning how to better process and make sense of the immense amount of information that the digital world provides. Growing up with these lenses mean that the new generation of workers preferred not to be told what to do. What this then means is that, this new generation seeks empowerment over instruction.

By using coaching skills in the right situations, leaders can be effective in helping young talent find their own voices. Putting on a coaching hat releases the burden of leaders needing to know all the answers and telling employees what to do. Instead, coaching helps leaders connect with people, partner with them to co-create solutions, and support them to grow. Ultimately, coaching empowers employees to take ownership by challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own.

2. Wisdom is prized over Knowledge

The conventional way of educating is based on the idea that information is highly inaccessible. The professors and experts are highly respected and revered. In today’s digital world, the new generation of workers are recognizing that more information may not necessarily mean greater wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are distinct. The new generation sees wisdom as the ability to process information and generate insights. They prized wisdom above being knowledgeable. After all, gaining knowledge is now perceived to just involved googling.

Coaching, on the hand, can distinctly meet the needs of the new generation. The conventional downloading approach thrives on the concept of putting information and knowledge into people; coaching thrives on the idea of drawing out wisdom. The downloading approach sees people as empty containers that need to be filled (an example – giving advice); coaching sees people like a search engine, a good input can draw out and unlock its potential.

To attract and engage talents, it’s imperative that leaders are able to help the young develop wisdom. Considerably coaching is a skill that leaders use to achieve this outcome. They do that by asking the good questions.

3. Listening is prized over Speaking

It is not unreasonable to assess that more people are looking for leaders who can make them feel that they are heard. There are enough data that shows people are wishing that their leaders show more empathy. And listening is a key component to demonstrate empathy. Previously, many might be wishing that their leaders are like Ted speakers who can present data and tell stories in a compelling way. Effective communication is associated with the ability to speak well. We might have undervalued the importance of listening in leadership. Today, in the midst of so much noise, there is a significant shift. The younger generation is wanting less of information and advice-giving. The younger generation is looking for leaders who are willing to listen and empower. In listening, trust is generated and relationships are deepened. Coaching fulfills both the needs of listening and empowering.

As leaders, parents, educators, coaching skills will greatly increase our ability to build and deepen relationships with those we care for.

Invest into the future

Increasingly, more and more organizations are recognizing the need for coaching as a key leadership competency to develop future leaders. It is also undeniable that coaching is perhaps more sustainable and effective in the context of generating trust, enhancing team collaboration, increasing productivity and engaging young talents.

If you are an organization leader reading this, how are you preparing and nurturing your next generation of leaders?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

*This article was first written and published for Capelle Consulting.

Interpreting Emotions Using the Chinese Language

This article is inspired by Brene Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart”. I enjoyed learning about emotions from her new book and was inspired to contribute to this body of work. As an ontological coach, the area of emotions is a domain that I actively engage in during coaching. Many interventions are also co-designed by aligning client’s emotional habits and moods to their intended outcomes.

This article attempts to help readers understand how the Chinese language describes certain emotions and what we can learn from the Chinese language vocabulary. In this article, I will specifically touch on three emotions - anger, happiness and fear.

ANGER

Borrowing the definition from Atlas of the Heart, anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.

There are various ways to express anger in Chinese. Below are two examples.

生气 (Sheng Qi) - These two characters combined means “angry” in Chinese.

生 means birth or growth
气 means air or energy.

These two Chinese characters basically means “the birth or growth of energy within one’s body”. This is interesting because anger does produce lots of energy within one’s body. The energy produced can be channeled productively. It is not uncommon to see many productive workers at times manifesting anger in a way that create challenges and conflict in the workplace. The same energy that often create drive and productivity is also the same energy that fuels anger.

The way to manage anger is to practice being attuned to the growing energy within us. Somatically, when a person is standing especially in a posture ready to take action (a body ready to move forward), it is this body disposition that drives productivity as well as fuels anger. If we want to diffuse anger, a possible intervention includes bringing our body downwards / backwards by sitting down or leaning back, kneeling, squatting etc to counter the birth or growth of the energy. This intervention can be applied during a conflict to diffuse your own anger.

怒 (Nu) - This character means “anger or rage” in Chinese. If we break down the writing of this character into two parts, we can see that on the top is the character 奴, which means “slave”. The bottom is the character 心 which means “heart”. This character basically means “a heart’s response when justice is not served (like being enslaved)”.

This gives us the idea that one of the purpose for anger as an emotion, is to propel us towards fighting injustice. When anger is harnessed effectively, we are able to intervene when there is bullying, oppression etc. Rather than judge the anger as a negative emotion, I often find it more useful in my coaching practice to help a person explore how the energy could be channeled productively.
Questions I have used to help someone explore anger:

What do you feel within your body feel whenever you get angry?

Who usually bears the brunt when you channel your anger in a not so productive way? How can you channel your anger more productively?
What are some areas of injustice you observed happening (at work)? How do you use your anger to intervene and fight the injustice?

What are some actions, behaviors or words that usually trigger your anger? What do you notice about your anger patterns?

Happy

In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown writes that there’s really no consensus in the research when it comes to defining happiness. When I looked into the different ways happiness is expressed, I found many different ideas as well. Here are three examples.

开心 (Kai Xin) - These two characters combined means “happy” in Chinese.

开 means open (seen from the picture of a door about to be opened).
心 means a human heart.

The description of these two combined characters basically means “the opening of a person’s heart”.

My own interpretation from this is that the capacity to experience happiness is strongly tied to the ability of a person to open up his or her heart to be vulnerable. When a person’s heart is opened (as opposed to closed), love and experiences of pleasure can be more easily received.

As an ontological coach, a possible design intervention for a person who wants to experience more happiness includes this somatic practice:
the opening up of the shoulders, or stretching of the arms wide to expand the chest area (and therefore the physical heart). The idea is that when the body becomes more open (especially at the chest area), the mind follows the body to expand the ability to be open towards others. Happiness is possibly a byproduct or a fruit from this somatic practice.

高兴 (Gao Xing) - These two characters also means “happy”.

高 means high/tall as seen from the picture of the tower.
兴 is a picture of many hands holding up a dish together as a celebratory act

From these two characters, the emotion of happiness can be interpreted as an emotion experienced from heightened state of togetherness, inclusion and unity. Happiness can thus be practiced when one is purposefully engaged in activities that bring togetherness and activities that foster inclusion and a sense of belonging.

快乐 (Kuai Le) - This is the third pair of Chinese characters combined to mean “happy”.

快 - This word has two meanings. It can mean fast or speedy. It can also mean the airflow towards the heart is smooth and unblocked.
乐 - This character means rhythm or music as shown by the picture of a Chinese musical instrument.

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When these two characters are combined, they basically described things are smooth sailing like a piece of music played in perfect rhythm. As an ontological coach, I personally experienced happiness whenever I helped someone get “unstuck”. The feeling is similar to the description of the airflow being unblocked and the heart comes alive again. I personally found this discovery to be very fascinating.

Another way to read these characters is that they combined to mean “rapid / fast-paced” AND “rhythm/music”. Interestingly, music does affect our moods and celebratory music are often filled with fast rhythms.
It is worthy to note that we can practice changing the mood and emotion (of an environment or of a person) to a more light hearted one by the intentional use of music.

Fear

Fear can be defined as an emotion experienced when one assessed that something valuable could be potentially lost.

怕 (Pa) - From the picture, this character describes the heart as empty and there is a loss of something of great value, something very precious to a person’s heart. Other than fear, this particular character also means “worry” in the Chinese language context. From this character alone, it is quite interesting to observe that fear and worry often come as a pair.

As a coach, applying this knowledge allows me to help a person explore fear by examining what is of great value and precious to the person’s heart. Simply by asking a question such as “what is of great value to you that you fear losing?”, the conversation becomes a very rich one. I also discovered through my coaching sessions, a conversation about fear and worry often leads to a deeper examining of relationships and items that are of great value to a person. And this further leads on to whether a person’s life is aligned to his / her value system.

In summary: Having struggled with naming and understanding emotions, I have a firm belief that helping others name and understand their emotional life can bring significant breakthroughs. I hoped you have benefitted just as I have after researching about the Chinese language and human emotions. I have certainly expanded my own knowledge and abilities as an ontological coach.

Article: Working with Emotions in Coaching

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

**sources:
Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown;
www.chaziwang.com.