Have You Heard of a Commitment to a Mood?

A commitment is like a promise. It is doing what we say we will do.

The idea of commitment is the idea of “all in”. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. Those who fully commit do not add a “but” or “if” or have any secret back doors - invisible conditions that will help them out of a situation when they cannot achieve that task. 

Commitment is often associated with the finishing of a task. For those familiar with the CliftonStrengths assessment, the people with the ‘Responsibility’ theme understand commitment intuitively. They have an innate motivation to take ownership of the tasks they commit to and follow through to completion.

Have you also heard of a commitment to a mood?

A mood is an emotion that we want to stick around with. A mood has a longer-lasting effect on a person. It is an emotional state that we want to stay in. The mood affects our thoughts and actions. We are likely to smile when we are committed to joy and peace. We are likely to think “I am sure he did not mean it” and give the person the benefit of the doubt when we are committed to gratitude. We are likely to complain or connect a person’s behavior to his lack of moral standards when committed to resentment.

As an ontological coach, I saw a distinction between a commitment to a task and a commitment to a mood.

Similarities: 

• Both forms of commitment require ownership.

• Both forms of commitment demonstrate a follow-through of the intent.

Differences

• When we commit to a task, we follow through by completing the task. When we commit to a mood, we follow through by creating stories in our heads that reflect the emotion we want to stick with. 

• Commitment to a task is often visible and easily observable. Commitment to a mood is often invisible and not easily observed by the owner of the mood. 
  

Let me share two examples of a commitment to a mood.

(1) Have you had a memory of a holiday filled with many unexpected turns of events? You lost your luggage. Your flight got delayed. You forgot to bring your passport to the airport. You lost something you bought. You lost your way traveling to a particular destination. 

Yet, despite the obstacles and discomfort experienced, you quickly found things to be thankful for and grateful for. You created stories in your head to preserve the mood you strongly wanted to stay in. None of the setbacks changed your commitment to stick to joy and gratitude. You proudly declare to others that it was a great holiday experience. And you desire for more of such trips. This example is an idea of committing to a mood. You were committed to experiencing gratitude and joy for the holiday. Nothing got in your way of staying with these emotions you were committed to. 

(2) Have you had a memory of being frustrated and angry for the entire day? The coffee was bad. The lunch was dissatisfying. The project meeting was unproductive and a waste of time. You felt your client’s demands were unreasonable. You were irritated by the attitudes of your colleagues The list goes on. 

This example is a commitment to a different mood, perhaps resentment. When we commit to the mood of resentment, every story in our head points to frustration, injustice, and unfairness. We will often find something to blame. And we will commit to being right about our story. The commitment to stay RIGHT and to see our story as the truth is a hallmark of resentment. We seek acknowledgment from others about the story we hold. When others do not agree with us, we feel even more resentful and frustrated. There is a sense of how the world is so unfair. The mood of resentment broods distrust.

A Related Article: Listening Through Our Mood

What are the benefits of seeing this distinction of commitment to a mood?


1. Seeing the distinction allows us to break free from emotional entanglements. The mood no longer owns us. When we gain awareness of our commitment to a mood, we become more aware of the stories we regularly churn out in our heads. Seeing empowers us to own our mood and make choices. Seeing helps those who feel stuck and unsure why their thought patterns keep recurring. Conversely, when we see our recurring stories, we also identify the mood that might be invisible to us. 

2. Seeing allow us to choose. We can choose to remain in the mood. We can choose to break free and create another new mood to be committed to. The ability to choose increases personal agency. For example, the emotion of resentment is neither good nor bad. It is the emotional energy that propels people to break through a high level of resistance to see justice served. The emotional energy from resentment helps us stand up for the bullied. It also helps us speak up for the silenced. However, when we commit to being in the mood of resentment, we are also actively creating stories in our heads that block out the possibilities of gratitude, joy, grace, and forgiveness. Seeing allows us to choose wisely depending on context.

3. It is possible that highly committed individuals act and behave in ways detrimental to their own mental and emotional health. Seeing the distinction allows these people (including ourselves) to see the darkness or the shadow side of commitment. 

Reflection: what mood have you been committed to at work, at home, or for specific relationships?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Stronger Together: Learnings from a Loneliness Dialogue

“Do I belong? Or am I fitting in?”

There is a distinction between fitting in and feeling belonged. Fitting in is not belonging. When we attempt to fit in, we are changing ourselves in order to be accepted. We might not be seen as who we really are and that might possibly be a deeply lonely experience.

I was part of a facilitator group for a loneliness dialogue attended by a group of working professionals from diverse backgrounds. When I listened to what were being shared, the conversations were interesting but not unexpected. Some shared reasons on why people felt lonely in their organizations:

• Leadership requires making hard decisions. Lack of empathy by team members intensifies the loneliness felt by leaders

• Addiction to achieving outcomes often meant people get caught in busyness. They stop listening and relating to one another

• Lack of common space and trust to dialogue about conflicting beliefs that run deep within the organization.

The list goes on.

The bottom line from the loneliness dialogue? People want to feel accepted and belonged.

Why do people feel lonely?

Perhaps we have been overdoing “fitting in” to the neglect of creating a sense of belonging. This is my hypothesis.

For some, the habit and practice of fitting in started from a young age. Fitting in to what parents want, fitting in to school rules, fitting in to find friends - we change ourselves to survive. And habits can be hard to change. Despite the deep yearnings to discover who we really are, many grew up struggling to answer the question of “who am I truly?”

In my personal observation as a professional coach, identity building work continues to be a territory that is under explored by many individuals. Many people define themselves through work. It is common to state our work title or role when we are asked to introduce ourselves. It is also common to observe people burying themselves deep at work to the neglect of self care.

What are the implications of overdoing “fitting in”?

In the workplace, this habit of trying to fit in, to gain approval from the boss, colleagues and the system, can undermine culture building work. There is often an expectation that when we make adjustments to fit in, we should be accepted. There must be reciprocity. Fear and anxiety are often the emotions that accompany these expectations. Unfortunately, what we often experienced instead are rejections. The results of these rejections meant the emotions turn from fear and anxiety towards that of disappointment, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Picture the emotional states of resentment, disappointment, dissatisfaction, fear, anxiety etc, driven by the mindset to survive - this is often the context surrounding conversations in teams and organizations. This emotional context is invisible but it is tangible.

What can you do to make a difference?

Every individual can intervene into a large system. Change usually start from the small things. Here might be some possible ideas you can act on.
- Notice and pay attention to the emotional context in workplace conversations.
- Notice how you are participating in your workplace conversations and the mood you are bringing.
- Notice if you are intentionally building a supportive community within your organization.

STRONGER TOGETHER AS A NATION

Creating a sense of belonging is in essence an identity issue. It is an issue individuals and businesses need to address. It is also an issue that Singapore as a nation seeks to address.

Singapore’s narrative is essentially one of survival. Geo-political tension, climate change, terrorism etc…there is a long list of global challenges that impact Singapore. For a country with little natural resources, we need to be efficient and productive to survive. We must often adapt quickly to the global context. Yet at the same time, we need to build our own identity as a nation. We need to preserve our unique heritage. We need to create a place that Singaporeans feel proud to belong.

This juggling act is a huge tension.

Here’s an example to illustrate the tension.
Wet markets in Singapore forms a unique space where local communities are formed and a sense of belonging is created within the precinct. Wet markets are however viewed as inefficient. Supermarkets or hyper marts are increasingly flooding the heartlands. These supermarkets increase the efficiency and productivity of grocery shopping. No one stops to connect and build relationships in these supermarkets. One represents a culture created out of the desire to belong and form communities. The other represents a culture created out of a need to survive the global threats.

As more and more wet markets cease to exist, how do we preserve such a space where local communities are often formed and a sense of belonging is created? Do we continue to demolish these wet markets and replace them with supermarkets of high efficiency and productivity?

How CAN we AS SINGAPOREANS CONTRIBUTE?

We have built a narrative over the years - the survival mindset of “kiasu (fear of losing) and kiasi (fear of dying)”. That has served us well and allowed us to transform from a third world to a first world nation. It is perhaps a good time we build a new narrative - “stronger together” and complement the old.

These two mindsets are not mutually exclusive. We need to survive by creating a stronger sense of belonging. We need to be more intentional to be more relational, more inclusive and build communities wherever we go. We need to be more intentional to promote neighbourliness. We need to be more accepting and tolerant given the increasingly more fragmented society. The future generations will be shaped by how we survive and be stronger together.

When our perspectives expand, it is not lofty to suggest that as Singaporeans, we are well resourced and capable of finding solutions. On this note, I personally felt that the leaders of our nation have done a tremendous job in keeping this balance. The journey ahead however continues to be filled with uncertainties and challenges.

Moving forward to 2023 and beyond, may we be a nation that can strengthen our identity, build a greater sense of belonging and survive the global upheavals together.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Emotional Intelligence with CliftonStrengths

As a believer in the strengths-based approach, I have been integrating emotional intelligence with strengths intelligence as I continue my practice into the ontological approach to coaching. It is something I have been experimenting with over the past few years. This article explores how I have been integrating these two areas of human intelligence. Specifically, this article presents how I have used the CliftonStrengths profiling to enhance emotional intelligence.

If you google emotional intelligence, you will come across four components - self-awareness, self-management, social awareness and relationship management. This article explores these four specific components of emotional intelligence.

Self-Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-awareness is the ability to see how our emotional states affect our daily living, such as our decision-making or our communication with others. It is the ability to know ourselves and understand our feelings.

For example, when we are in an emotional state of anger, we are predisposed to retaliate in words or actions. When we are in an emotional state of curiosity, we are predisposed to ask questions and gain new knowledge and understanding.

CliftonStrengths assessment can help individuals understand the likely emotional habits they might have built over time (albeit subconsciously).

Here are some examples:
1. Individuals with high Responsibility might have developed emotional habits such as anxiety, worry, fear, etc. They are predisposed to feeling burdened because of the responsibilities they carry. In Singapore, some with the Responsibility theme might be called a “kancheong spider” (a term to describe individuals often flustered while dealing with anxiety).

2. Using a combination of two CliftonStrengths themes: Individuals with both the Activator and Achiever primarily focus on getting things started and finishing tasks. They might be predisposed to developing the emotional habit of ambition and perhaps less likely to experience the emotional state of calmness or peace.

3. People with the Maximizer or Restorative are often viewed as “perfectionists”. They are less likely to declare satisfaction with the tasks they have completed. Things are often “not good enough”. They are less likely as well to experience peace.

Our emotional habits are often formed from our instincts to think, feel and behave.

As a coach, I feel that gaining this insight empowers individuals to have the choice of building new emotional habits to expand their human capacity and deepen their level of maturity. This knowledge helps individuals to build deeper self-awareness through the perspective of emotional habits. This knowledge also provides a more comprehensive understanding of themselves.

Self-Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, self-management is the ability to regulate our emotions in different situations and not let our emotions get the better of us. It is emotional regulation and self-control.

With the CliftonStrengths tool, knowing the basement (infancy) and balcony (mature) state of the CliftonStrengths themes empowers individuals to regulate their behaviors and actions. With knowledge of our basement and balcony state, we can more deliberately match our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to the different situations and contexts for effectiveness. The ability to regulate our behaviors helps us to be more emotionally intelligent.

E.g The basement state of the Harmony theme includes sweeping things under the carpet or keeping silent in the face of questionable behaviors, usually for fear of conflicts. When an individual intentionally regulates his behavior and grows towards a more mature or balcony state of Harmony, it is a hallmark of being emotionally intelligent.

Conversely, not developing the Harmony theme toward maturity might cause long-term negative consequences. As a coach, I often observe resentment surfacing when individuals remain in the basement state of Harmony. This emotional state of resentment often produces more harm for individuals and hinders their ability to do effective self-management.

An article on moods

Social Awareness

In the context of emotional intelligence, social awareness is the ability to identify the emotions of others and use that knowledge to demonstrate empathy, connect with others and be inclusive. It is about how we relate with others, especially with people who are very different. While some view diversity as a fact of life, the idea of “common sense” shows that people expect uniformity in behaviors.

CliftonStrengths helps in two ways.

Firstly, it provides data statistically to show the odds of two persons having the same five themes in the same order is 1 in 33 million. This data has often helped those who are data-driven to embrace the diversity of those they work with.

Secondly, the CliftonStrengths profiles and write-ups provide a language in how people with certain themes think, feel and behave differently. This means that individuals and leaders can now use the strengths language intentionally to relate and interact with others.

For example, a person with the Relator theme often prefers deep conversation in a one-to-one setting. When a leader intentionally sets up regular catch-ups with the Relator, with either party able to propose their agendas for discussions, trust builds up. The CliftonStrengths tool allows leaders to increase their emotional intelligence by customizing approaches that meet the needs of different individuals.

Relationship Management

In the context of emotional intelligence, relationship management is the ability to collaborate, build trust and manage interpersonal conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths tool helps individuals to identify their strengths and blindspots. When individuals do their inner work and uncover these blindspots, they can make more appropriate and productive social decisions in different situations.

For example, individuals with the Deliberative theme see that their unique lens is often that of risk assessment. They will take time to consider the different risks before they act. Making appropriate and productive decisions could include making timely requests to others. In working with others, they might make known their decision-making process and request adequate time and space to make a decision. This process allows them to be better collaborators. It is also a mark of demonstrating high emotional intelligence.

The CliftonStrengths tool also helps individuals manage conflicts by identifying how others think, feel, and need. For example, a frustrated Analytical person might have these thoughts. “Where is the proof? What reliable data do we have? To resolve the potential conflict, we have to understand an Analytical person needs to have different data points that can withstand scrutiny. Meeting the needs of those we work with will help us manage conflicts.

The CliftonStrengths profiles also reveal, through the different themes, how individuals need to tap into specific strengths that enhance emotional intelligence for a particular situation and downplay those that hinder emotional intelligence. When individuals do that intentionally, they can make more situationally appropriate social decisions and moves.

For example, when an individual with both Achiever and Learner questions why a colleague has not completed a given task, the Achiever is usually more judgmental while the Learner is more curious. Tuning up the Learner theme and tuning down the Achiever will probably help this individual make a more appropriate social response.

Ending note: As an ontological practitioner, I embrace the idea that humans perform better when they see their strengths and emotional habits as integrated. I am happy to report that coaching clients have given me feedback that this integrated approach has empowered them to gain clarity of their inner life and has given greater ownership towards transforming their lives.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

A Manager's Guide to Leverage The Strengths of the Team

This article is written to share some coaching practices that I have been helping team leaders and managers with, especially those who are intentionally building a strong team culture. The question that is commonly explored:

What are some practices that you can do as a manager to leverage the strengths of your team?

1. Collect strengths data of the individuals and the entire team

Get some data on each individual’s strengths. Put all the individuals’ results together and attempt to make sense of the team’s overall strengths. This process can be done by using different profiling tools. Some of the profiling tools that focuses on strengths include the CliftonStrengths assessment, the Strengths Profile and VIA Character Survey. Using a profiling tool to assess your team’s strengths give you a common language to assess each individual. This is probably the easiest way to get to know your team strengths.
On a separate note, if you are using CliftonStrengths, the four domains of team or leadership strengths are a powerful way of learning and seeing the collective strengths of the team. You can check out this article I have written:

Check out this article: 8 Things to know about CliftonStrengths Leadership Domains

2. Have a strengths conversation with each individual

During the chat, ask questions like “Where are you at your best at work? What kind of tasks do you love doing the most or find yourself looking forward to? Other than financial returns or recognition, what might motivate and drive you? Which activities do you find yourself volunteering for?
This kind of conversation with your staff is a fantastic way to connect with them. Most staff are tired of managers doing fault-finding. Having a manager who seeks to learn and understand their strengths is simply refreshing!

It’s also worth noting that when an individual shares about a desire to do a particular task, your assessment might be there is a competency gap. This becomes a great opportunity to have a conversation about skills development. This can often exists if the staff is younger and less experienced.

3. Share Your Strengths as a Manager

Your staff comes to you with their proposals and ideas. From this perspective, each individual is expected to engage in some kind of collaborative work with you. As a manager, you evaluate the plans, proposals and ideas using your strengths (“are you aware this is an automatic lens you put on?”).
For more effective team communication, it is useful to share your strengths intentionally with your team. Your staff will appreciate knowing how you will evaluate their proposals. With the knowledge of your strengths, they can prepare themselves for discussions with you. They will also appreciate how they can think about leveraging on your strengths to improve their ideas.

Check out this article: A Manager’s Guide: Using StrengthsFinder in Personal Development

4. GET INPUTS around Your Team Strengths

No manager has all the answers. So why not tap on others’ perspectives? As a manager, you can intentionally set up discussions around your team’s strengths. Invite individual team members to articulate how they see the strengths of the team and get their perspectives. Invite other business leads, HR business partners etc to share their views. The diversity of views presented on the collective strengths of your team can empower you to leverage the team’s strengths more comprehensively.

5. CELEBRATE Contributions

Mark Twain says “really great people make you feel that you, too, can become great”. As a manager, celebrating strengths and contributions are a hallmark of a great manager.
You can intentionally invite individuals to share with the team about “this is what I bring to the team or this is what I can contribute most effectively”. You can also invite the other team members to validate and affirm what has been shared to strengthen the team dynamics.

6. EXPLORE WITH THE TEAM ON HOW TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER

It is intuitive for managers to see how strengths are linked to performances. It is perhaps not so common to see how strengths can be used to create support for others.
Managers can enhance team safety and well-being by facilitating a conversation on how the team can support one another by tapping into each other’s strengths. This can be a discussion around the idea of “where I need help.” The request can be as simple as “I often need ideas. I often need reminders. I often need a listening ear etc”.
This discussion is essentially an exercise on vulnerability and trust. If carried out successfully, this exercise empowers the team to help each other more intentionally. A high performing team develops when team members are mutually supportive of one another. This is an essential team standard to establish when building a strengths-based team culture.

Caveat: Work and strengths come together. Managers need to be able to demonstrate strong clarity about what's the work that needs to be done. When there is great clarity about the work, managers can explore with ease how the team’s strengths can be tapped. Leveraging the team strengths is a combination of knowing the work and knowing the strengths with great details.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

A Manager's Guide to Understanding Emotions and Conversations

As a male who grew up in Singapore, I bought into a cultural narrative that “guys don’t do emotions”. Most of the male authority in my life hardly expressed their emotions. I was repeatedly taught that emotions can make you commit to decisions that you will regret. I grew up hearing things like “men do not cry; don’t waste time dwelling on your emotions”. The topic of emotions was one I had difficulty grasping. In fact, my entire body reacts when another person starts to tear in front of me. As I was growing up, I was determined to be strong in my mental strength and to control my emotions (mostly by suppressing).

It is now 2022 as I am writing this article. I have since realized that emotions have a profound effect on what I can and cannot achieve in areas of relationships, leadership, work, spirituality etc. If I want to be an effective leader, it is no longer enough to thrive in the “rational zone”. I need to do deeper self-work to understand, experience and learn emotions. This will ultimately increase my effectiveness to create psychological safety, mentor and coach others, listen well, to name a few important leadership competencies.

As I continue to pursue breakthroughs in the domain of emotions, I am hoping to help other leaders (especially male leaders) do the same. This article is written to explore the impact of moods and emotions on conversations. The below points are a combination of my learnings as an ontological coach, a leader, a parent and a father.

Impact of Moods and Emotions on Conversations

1. Language and actions affect emotions.

Our mood and emotion changes when we received good or bad news. I have experienced joy and satisfaction when a client accepts my business proposal. I have experienced sadness when I am listening to stories about friends struggling with cancer or personal loss.

Emotions are embedded in stories we tell others and ourselves. In a digital world overflowing with data, I observed that many managers struggle to see it is the stories (derived from the data) that can move the hearts of the audience. Data and facts cannot create an emotional connection. It is also the stories we tell ourselves that inspire faith and hope or create fear and anxiety within us.

Implication: Storytelling is a skill that managers cannot afford to neglect, especially in the digital world. Telling stories is now akin to communicating purpose and vision. Telling powerful stories create the emotional connection needed for people to be stirred into action. It is true not only for others but ourselves.

2. Moods and emotions are highly predictive of future actions

From a young age, children learnt how to analyze the moods of their parents before they make a request. Intuitively, they are aware that they have a much better chance to get their desired outcomes when their parents are in a good mood.

Philosopher, Humberto Maturana, provides a definition that I personally found to be extremely helpful: emotions and moods are predispositions for action. He observed that according to the mood and emotions we are in, some actions are possible while others are not. For example, if you are in a mood of distrust, the possibilities of coordinating action with another team member are reduced compared to if you are in a mood of gratitude.

Implication: When managers can read the moods and emotions of their teams, they possess a set of data that are highly predictive of the team’s level of engagement, collaboration and trust level. All of these are highly predictive of the team’s performance. Therefore the ability to read and sense the moods and emotions (aka emotional intelligence) can be an important area of leadership development.

3. Creating a shift in the mood brings about new results

If we happen to be in a good mood, the future will look bright and vice versa. Regardless whether the meetings are for brainstorming, coordinating actions or resolving conflicts, managers who can skillfully create a shift in the mood of a conversation to a more uplifting one has a far greater chance of achieving a productive outcome. The ability to create a shift in the emotional state helps a manager to bring about a new of results that are otherwise not possible based on the prevailing mood.

Implication: On top of reading the mood of the team (point 2), facilitating a shift in the mood of a team is an important skill that cannot be ignored. Managers who develop competency in this particular area will become more effective in leading their team.

4. Emotions and moods affect how we listen.

Depending on the moods and emotions we are in, our conversations can look very different because we speak and listen differently. Determining the prevailing mood of a conversation and assessing if the mood sets the required context to achieve the desired conversational outcome is a strategic leadership skill. This skill is particularly powerful for crucial conversations - business presentations, strategic planning, sales negotiations, performance management etc. These are examples of conversations in which managers want to be intentional to frame and prepare listeners to be open and curious to the agenda and the content of the meeting.

Implication: Managers need to pay close attention to the mood and emotions of the participants in crucial conversations. By noticing the emotions, managers get precious data to adapt their approaches for more effective outcomes.

Read: Listening Through Our Mood

5. Moods are often transparent

A mood can be defined as an emotional habit practiced by a person over a long period of time. It is observed that many people are not aware that they have a “mood”. Moods are often transparent (or invisible) to the individual. We often hear people saying “This is just the way I am and how I do things. Do not expect me to change.” When people do not see that they have a “mood”, they are not able to take responsibility for the mood they have created.

Implication: Managers can coach their team to be aware of the impact of emotions and mood on conversations. By helping others understand that it is the mood that affect our actions, managers can empower team members to take responsibility in how they show up in meetings.

6. Emotions and moods are highly contagious

When we are regularly interacting with people with negative moods, we could expect to soon be in a negative mood ourselves. Most teams usually have one or two individuals who sets the “mood” tone in meetings. These people are the mood-setters. The mood-setters can quickly influence and affect the mood of the entire team positively or negatively by what they say or do. This is because emotions and moods are highly contagious according to neuroscience.

Implication: Managers have to watch closely the moods and emotions of the “mood-setters” in the team. Given their influence, the team’s performance can be elevated or diminished because of how these mood-setters behave. Frequent check-ins especially before important meetings could be helpful. Managers can also be the mood-setter themselves. Managers should develop the habit of checking in with themselves, grow their level of self-awareness and practice self-management. By doing so, they can choose how they want to show up in the team meetings.

7. A team’s mood is representative of the team’s morale

When a team is filled with people who consistently displayed negative emotions, it is highly predictive that the morale on the team will quickly decline if there is no effective intervention. Most managers understand that morale is a crucial factor in overcoming obstacles, winning battles and adapting to organizational changes.

Lifting a team’s morale is more than having team building events or team lunches. Lifting a team’s morale in a sustainable manner is closely connected to deepening the level of trust and care for one another. And building trust and care is dependent on the team’s prevailing mood.

Implication: Recognizing the prevailing mood of a team brings forth an important set of data to a modern manager - understanding and measuring the team’s morale. Managers who believe in creating and sustaining a strong team morale must consider developing their emotional intelligence.

Ending Note: I hope the above 7 points capture succinctly the benefits of understanding the mood of a team and facilitating shifts in team moods. Growing in this area has given me many personal breakthroughs especially in relationships. I hope this short article inspires others to dive deeper in learning about emotions and moods.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Coaching - the Competency Needed to Develop Future Leaders

With the aging workforce, leadership renewal has been a greatly discussed topic for many organizations. As the workforce is slowly populated with Generation Z workers, it is imperative for organizations seeking renewal, to be more prepared by anticipating what the younger generations are seeking.

It is observed that coaching, as a leadership competency, seems well-suited to develop young talent to take on leadership roles. The process of coaching invites self-reflection and self-assessment, which helps individuals grow in personal wisdom and performance for sustained personal effectiveness. Through coaching, the individual is able to apply their self-discovered solutions, and ideas to different situations and contexts they encounter. For this purpose of developing future talent, present leaders should consider the need to develop coaching skills for themselves.

Why Coaching is key to develop Future Leaders?

1. Empowerment is prized over Instruction

The newest member of the workforce, Generation Z, grew up having access to an infinite amount of information. This generation is more used to turning to Google and other social media platforms for answers rather than their managers, teachers or parents. They prefer self-directed learning. They will fact-check against what their parents, teachers and managers have told them. In fact, they might be used to challenging what people in authority says. On top of that, the digital world has also created platforms like YouTube and Tik Tok that allow multitude of voices to be heard. Therefore, the need is learning how to better process and make sense of the immense amount of information that the digital world provides. Growing up with these lenses mean that the new generation of workers preferred not to be told what to do. What this then means is that, this new generation seeks empowerment over instruction.

By using coaching skills in the right situations, leaders can be effective in helping young talent find their own voices. Putting on a coaching hat releases the burden of leaders needing to know all the answers and telling employees what to do. Instead, coaching helps leaders connect with people, partner with them to co-create solutions, and support them to grow. Ultimately, coaching empowers employees to take ownership by challenging people to come up with the answers they require on their own.

2. Wisdom is prized over Knowledge

The conventional way of educating is based on the idea that information is highly inaccessible. The professors and experts are highly respected and revered. In today’s digital world, the new generation of workers are recognizing that more information may not necessarily mean greater wisdom. Knowledge and wisdom are distinct. The new generation sees wisdom as the ability to process information and generate insights. They prized wisdom above being knowledgeable. After all, gaining knowledge is now perceived to just involved googling.

Coaching, on the hand, can distinctly meet the needs of the new generation. The conventional downloading approach thrives on the concept of putting information and knowledge into people; coaching thrives on the idea of drawing out wisdom. The downloading approach sees people as empty containers that need to be filled (an example – giving advice); coaching sees people like a search engine, a good input can draw out and unlock its potential.

To attract and engage talents, it’s imperative that leaders are able to help the young develop wisdom. Considerably coaching is a skill that leaders use to achieve this outcome. They do that by asking the good questions.

3. Listening is prized over Speaking

It is not unreasonable to assess that more people are looking for leaders who can make them feel that they are heard. There are enough data that shows people are wishing that their leaders show more empathy. And listening is a key component to demonstrate empathy. Previously, many might be wishing that their leaders are like Ted speakers who can present data and tell stories in a compelling way. Effective communication is associated with the ability to speak well. We might have undervalued the importance of listening in leadership. Today, in the midst of so much noise, there is a significant shift. The younger generation is wanting less of information and advice-giving. The younger generation is looking for leaders who are willing to listen and empower. In listening, trust is generated and relationships are deepened. Coaching fulfills both the needs of listening and empowering.

As leaders, parents, educators, coaching skills will greatly increase our ability to build and deepen relationships with those we care for.

Invest into the future

Increasingly, more and more organizations are recognizing the need for coaching as a key leadership competency to develop future leaders. It is also undeniable that coaching is perhaps more sustainable and effective in the context of generating trust, enhancing team collaboration, increasing productivity and engaging young talents.

If you are an organization leader reading this, how are you preparing and nurturing your next generation of leaders?

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

*This article was first written and published for Capelle Consulting.

Interpreting Emotions Using the Chinese Language

This article is inspired by Brene Brown’s book “Atlas of the Heart”. I enjoyed learning about emotions from her new book and was inspired to contribute to this body of work. As an ontological coach, the area of emotions is a domain that I actively engage in during coaching. Many interventions are also co-designed by aligning client’s emotional habits and moods to their intended outcomes.

This article attempts to help readers understand how the Chinese language describes certain emotions and what we can learn from the Chinese language vocabulary. In this article, I will specifically touch on three emotions - anger, happiness and fear.

ANGER

Borrowing the definition from Atlas of the Heart, anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.

There are various ways to express anger in Chinese. Below are two examples.

生气 (Sheng Qi) - These two characters combined means “angry” in Chinese.

生 means birth or growth
气 means air or energy.

These two Chinese characters basically means “the birth or growth of energy within one’s body”. This is interesting because anger does produce lots of energy within one’s body. The energy produced can be channeled productively. It is not uncommon to see many productive workers at times manifesting anger in a way that create challenges and conflict in the workplace. The same energy that often create drive and productivity is also the same energy that fuels anger.

The way to manage anger is to practice being attuned to the growing energy within us. Somatically, when a person is standing especially in a posture ready to take action (a body ready to move forward), it is this body disposition that drives productivity as well as fuels anger. If we want to diffuse anger, a possible intervention includes bringing our body downwards / backwards by sitting down or leaning back, kneeling, squatting etc to counter the birth or growth of the energy. This intervention can be applied during a conflict to diffuse your own anger.

怒 (Nu) - This character means “anger or rage” in Chinese. If we break down the writing of this character into two parts, we can see that on the top is the character 奴, which means “slave”. The bottom is the character 心 which means “heart”. This character basically means “a heart’s response when justice is not served (like being enslaved)”.

This gives us the idea that one of the purpose for anger as an emotion, is to propel us towards fighting injustice. When anger is harnessed effectively, we are able to intervene when there is bullying, oppression etc. Rather than judge the anger as a negative emotion, I often find it more useful in my coaching practice to help a person explore how the energy could be channeled productively.
Questions I have used to help someone explore anger:

What do you feel within your body feel whenever you get angry?

Who usually bears the brunt when you channel your anger in a not so productive way? How can you channel your anger more productively?
What are some areas of injustice you observed happening (at work)? How do you use your anger to intervene and fight the injustice?

What are some actions, behaviors or words that usually trigger your anger? What do you notice about your anger patterns?

Happy

In Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown writes that there’s really no consensus in the research when it comes to defining happiness. When I looked into the different ways happiness is expressed, I found many different ideas as well. Here are three examples.

开心 (Kai Xin) - These two characters combined means “happy” in Chinese.

开 means open (seen from the picture of a door about to be opened).
心 means a human heart.

The description of these two combined characters basically means “the opening of a person’s heart”.

My own interpretation from this is that the capacity to experience happiness is strongly tied to the ability of a person to open up his or her heart to be vulnerable. When a person’s heart is opened (as opposed to closed), love and experiences of pleasure can be more easily received.

As an ontological coach, a possible design intervention for a person who wants to experience more happiness includes this somatic practice:
the opening up of the shoulders, or stretching of the arms wide to expand the chest area (and therefore the physical heart). The idea is that when the body becomes more open (especially at the chest area), the mind follows the body to expand the ability to be open towards others. Happiness is possibly a byproduct or a fruit from this somatic practice.

高兴 (Gao Xing) - These two characters also means “happy”.

高 means high/tall as seen from the picture of the tower.
兴 is a picture of many hands holding up a dish together as a celebratory act

From these two characters, the emotion of happiness can be interpreted as an emotion experienced from heightened state of togetherness, inclusion and unity. Happiness can thus be practiced when one is purposefully engaged in activities that bring togetherness and activities that foster inclusion and a sense of belonging.

快乐 (Kuai Le) - This is the third pair of Chinese characters combined to mean “happy”.

快 - This word has two meanings. It can mean fast or speedy. It can also mean the airflow towards the heart is smooth and unblocked.
乐 - This character means rhythm or music as shown by the picture of a Chinese musical instrument.

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When these two characters are combined, they basically described things are smooth sailing like a piece of music played in perfect rhythm. As an ontological coach, I personally experienced happiness whenever I helped someone get “unstuck”. The feeling is similar to the description of the airflow being unblocked and the heart comes alive again. I personally found this discovery to be very fascinating.

Another way to read these characters is that they combined to mean “rapid / fast-paced” AND “rhythm/music”. Interestingly, music does affect our moods and celebratory music are often filled with fast rhythms.
It is worthy to note that we can practice changing the mood and emotion (of an environment or of a person) to a more light hearted one by the intentional use of music.

Fear

Fear can be defined as an emotion experienced when one assessed that something valuable could be potentially lost.

怕 (Pa) - From the picture, this character describes the heart as empty and there is a loss of something of great value, something very precious to a person’s heart. Other than fear, this particular character also means “worry” in the Chinese language context. From this character alone, it is quite interesting to observe that fear and worry often come as a pair.

As a coach, applying this knowledge allows me to help a person explore fear by examining what is of great value and precious to the person’s heart. Simply by asking a question such as “what is of great value to you that you fear losing?”, the conversation becomes a very rich one. I also discovered through my coaching sessions, a conversation about fear and worry often leads to a deeper examining of relationships and items that are of great value to a person. And this further leads on to whether a person’s life is aligned to his / her value system.

In summary: Having struggled with naming and understanding emotions, I have a firm belief that helping others name and understand their emotional life can bring significant breakthroughs. I hoped you have benefitted just as I have after researching about the Chinese language and human emotions. I have certainly expanded my own knowledge and abilities as an ontological coach.

Article: Working with Emotions in Coaching

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

**sources:
Atlas of the Heart by Brene Brown;
www.chaziwang.com.

How do I do Meaningful and Purposeful Work?

Gallup reported that many want to have meaningful and purposeful work. Have you been pondering about meaning and purpose at work in this season of your life?

If you are, I will like to invite you to stop, reflect and consider these three key questions:

1. What does meaningful or purposeful work mean to you?

• Is it about finding work activities that motivate you?

• Is it about connecting personal values to the work you are tasked to do?

• Is it about connecting your work to a higher purpose (saving the earth, serving my country, living out my faith etc)?

• Is it about building meaningful relationships at work?

• Is it about doing work that meets the needs of the society and getting paid for it?

There are many variations of doing meaningful work and it is important that we know what meaningful and purposeful work mean to us.

2. How often do you do work on yourself?

Doing and Being are connected as closely as thinking and feeling. We can’t have one without the other. DOING meaningful work doesn’t happen without integrating with our BEING and Identity. Doing meaningful work (externally focused) is strongly tied to doing work on our Being (internally focused - examining our values, beliefs, mindset, attitudes, moods and emotions, strengths and weaknesses, blindspots etc). The two words “meaningful work” involve intentional and thoughtful work.

Behind our Being and Doing are a set of skills and habits that we acquired over the course of our lives. Examining these skills and habits regularly helps us to build stronger foundations and capacity to grow.
I will like to invite you to ponder the below questions.

• Do you think about your thinking and how to improve the quality of your thinking?

• Do you examine your habits and how they have enabled you to grow? Are you in need of building new habits to grow your capacity?

• Do you examine your emotional habits and notice your mood patterns? How do your emotional habits empower or disempower you in doing purposeful, productive work or deeper relationships?

• Do you actively get feedback and be curious about your strengths and areas that you can intentionally develop?

• Do you learn about the way you learn to actively adapt in a volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous world?

• Do you examine and test how your lifestyle and decisions are aligned with your value system?
  

3. How much do you invest in your own growth?

We spent money, time and energy in many areas - our family, physical health, financial health, romance, hobbies, career progression etc. How much do we invest in our own development and growth?

Think about this: Why do some people invest in themselves through

• coaching;

• therapy;

• personal development and training programs;

• spiritual retreats (just to name a few examples)?

Why do some people invest time, energy and money in developing themselves and some do not? Which category do you belong to and why? What do you think is the relationship between your own personal growth and all the other areas that you are investing resources in?

A Coaching Story:

In a particular coaching session which sparked this article, a client (let’s called him M) articulated that whenever he thinks about his career, he will unconsciously switched to a particular thinking pattern - that of considering risks, scenarios of possible failures and his level of competencies and skills.

I asked M: “how does this way of thinking serve or not serve you when you are pondering about your career?”

The response was interesting: “This way of thinking is prudent, down to earth and pragmatic and it helps me to be careful about my future choices. It also does not help me dream big.”

As M verbalized his thoughts, it dawned on him that this thinking pattern might not serve him in the area of dreaming about his future. He desired a new way of thinking to broaden his horizon of possibilities. He acknowledged that he needed to work on his thinking habits and build new ones to increase his capacity to dream.

I asked M: “what kind of thinking pattern or mindset have you used in the past to help you move ahead despite uncertainties?”

M: (Pause)….I can learn as I go along…and I have done this many times in the past. That has helped me overcome my fears in uncertainties. Perhaps I can explore my career by looking back at the different skill sets I have picked up successfully and what new skills I need to pick up. I don’t have to be restricted by the current set of skills I have when I explore a career path.

Ending note: I love how M shifted his perspective and the smile he had on his face as he discovered a new possibility in his thinking. Doing meaningful and purposeful work involves intentional and thoughtful work. Doing self-work is often the starting point in the whole process. When we get do work on our BEING, what we need to DO becomes much clearer.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

One of the key benefits of the CliftonStrengths (formerly known as StrengthsFinder) tool is that of building better quality relationships. Using CliftonStrengths, each individual identifies his or her dominant talent themes. With that knowledge, individuals can understand their natural recurring patterns of thought, feeling and behaviour.

Conflicts between people usually arise when people impose their natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving on others. Most of the time, this occurs without an individual’s awareness. As a coach, I often use the CliftonStrengths tool to help couples build greater understanding of each other's lenses and to facilitate conversations that will improve the quality of relationships. A marriage relationship is very intense. The trust and quality of relationship takes a lot of time to strengthen. In Singapore, When I run strengths workshop for couples, seeing how the faces of the couples light up has been immensely rewarding! 

The passion to conduct these relationship workshops arose out of the transformation of my own marriage. Michelle and I have been married for over 18 years. In these years, there certainly have been challenges. My dominant themes are Activator, Communication, Strategic, Self-Assurance and Command. Michelle’s dominant themes are Responsibility, Achiever, Maximizer, Ideation and Relator. We have very contrasting themes and often our natural ways of thinking, feeling and behaving created conflicts. 

How do we use this tool in a practical way to grow our marriage?

Using the CliftonStrengths tool, we first try to have conversations that seek to understand each other’s dominant themes. Understanding each other's tendency to think, feel and behave helped us acquire a heightened level of patience. There were many paradigm shifts that took place in this process. Here, I list 5 examples:

1. GETTING THINGS DONE:

There is usually a to-do list stuck on the fridge. Unsurprisingly, these lists were generated by Michelle. These to-do lists are not just for herself - there is also a list for me! Upon understanding her Achiever talent theme, I realized that when a task is completed for her, there is a huge level of satisfaction for her. Because of this new understanding, I engage my Activator theme, which is the ability to take action quickly, to finish the tasks that are required. I used to procrastinate and Michelle gets upset and frustrated. The new motivation to get these tasks done stems from the desire to love and serve her.

2. UNDERSTANDING OWNERSHIP

"Apologies are not enough. Rationalizations and excuses are not acceptable”. These words came out of the description of the Gallup CliftonStrengths Responsibility theme. For me, this was a great revelation! What was a minor mistake or an careless act often escalated into a huge conflict. Discussing this theme allowed us to make adjustments on both ends. She agreed to be more gracious towards my slip ups. She also chooses to now take note and be more affirming of the many tasks I have completed. What used to be a “this is expected of you!” has now changed to a “thank you for doing these”. I also took note of the fact that her psychological ownership is higher than an average person and I’m now more careful to avoid making empty promises to her.

READ: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS

3. DECISION MAKING 

My Activator theme often clashed with her Responsibility theme. My Activator says “Taking action is better than no action at all” while her Responsibility and Deliberative says “Doing nothing is better than doing something wrong”. These contrasting thoughts often brought conflicts during decision making especially in areas where much uncertainties lie. Discussions in this area have helped us to understand each other better. We decided not to change one another but to find areas of common ground. We agreed on some specific areas of decisions where I will submit to her suggestions and vice versa. These handles have hugely reduced our conflicts.

4. PROVIDING OPTIONS

Michelle now understands that my Strategic theme enjoys having options. Killing off options at the start of any discussions is a big no-no for me. Giving me options to choose from was a powerful way of communicating with me. From deciding what to do on a weekend to deciding what to have for meals, giving me different alternatives makes me feel valued.

5. SERVING TOGETHER

As a Relator and with the Achiever and Responsibility theme, Michelle enjoys being involved and doing things together with me. I learnt to make her feel more valued by finding opportunities for us to work together. One of the things we intentionally do is to mentor other younger couples. We also serve together in a Singapore local church in by co-facilitating a small group. I also try to involve her in my work by tapping on her Ideation for fresh and innovative ways.

While I can list down more transforming paradigms that strengthen our marriage and the new ways we found in engaging each other, I’m very mindful that this marriage relationship is still work in progress. We cannot grow complacent. Open communication to build trust and mutual respect continues to be fundamental for us. We are thankful that we discovered a tool and now possess a weapon that helps to strengthen our bond as husband and wife. We continue to use the CliftonStrengths as a conversation tool to help us understand each other and resolve conflicts.

How is the relationship with your spouse or partner? Consider using the CliftonStrengths tool as a means to improve and strengthen your relationships.

READ: WHY COMPLIMENTARY PARTNERSHIPS DO NOT ALWAYS WORK

Contact me if you are interested to have some couple coaching sessions.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.