Musings About Ontological Coaching

When I was introduced to the ontological approach for intra-personal and interpersonal work, I found it very fascinating. I decided to deep-dive into this area. I am writing to share what I have learned and the impact I have experienced. I’m writing as a learner rather than an expert in this field.

You might be thinking: So what is Ontological Coaching?

It is a coaching approach rooted in “Ontology, the study of being.” This approach focuses on exploring how people function and make decisions, how people learn and adapt, and how people show up in different areas of their lives.

At the heart of the ontological approach lies two key ideas:

(1) The Concerned Observer
An individual (known in the field of ontological coaching as “the Observer”) sees, perceives and relates to the world in a very unique way that differs from others. A key word to summarize the uniqueness of each individual is “concern”. Each individual is a “Concerned Observer” and interprets and relates to the world based on his concerns. The interpretations will then lead the individual to a range of possibilities of action to achieve his desired results (relationships, work, finances, health, religion, etc).

(2) An Integrated Way of Being - Language, Emotions and Body
The Observer can be understood by examining three domains in an integrated manner – LANGUAGE, MOOD OR EMOTIONS, and BODY. The ontological approach not only addresses the importance of all three areas, it emphasizes the integration of all three domains to achieve sustainable or deep change. A person’s “Way of Being” is this dynamic interplay between the three domains that actively shapes perception and behaviour.
An ontological coach works with clients to examine their language (inner and expressed thoughts, stories, mindsets, beliefs), recurring emotions and moods, and their body (dispositions, breathing, fitness, health, flexibility). Given that many individuals have their “Way of Being” in a fragmented form, the very act of integrating the three domains often generate new results that can be transformational.

Here is an example of transitioning from an old “Way of Being” towards a New “Way”:
As an individual, I listened primarily to what people said and the words they used (language). I rarely pay any attention to my body and emotions (as well as those of others) when I communicate. In short, this is my fragmented “Way of Being” and I was not conscious of it.
As a parent to three kids, when I realized “language” was the last domain to develop in young children, I saw a gap in how I was communicating effectively with them. My fragmented “Way of Being” shows up in my default communication with my kids.
I started to explore how I could communicate with my kids using body, emotions, and language in a more integrated way. I started to give hugs and massages, scratch their backs, and hold their hands more intentionally. I committed to playing with them and being fully present. As I engage my kids in a more integrated manner, I notice my relationship with them has grown tremendously. I also noticed that this shift towards a new “Way of Being” has created a deep shift within my inner life. My kids have been responding to me more affectionately ever since this shift.

How is ontological coaching different from other approaches?

Here are some differences from my limited knowledge:

(1) First the WHO, then the WHAT
There are coaching approaches helping people develop new strategies, new skills, or new forms of communication. The ontological coaching approach is particularly interested in what’s happening in people’s perceptions and attitudes and how that affects the way people use their new skills and strategies. Borrowing the phrase from Stephen Covey, the ontological approach focuses on the Who before diving into the What.

For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

The ontological approach suggests that when we don’t address deep-seated perceptions and attitudes (WHO), we will miss out on massive opportunities to help people grow in their effectiveness (WHAT).For example, when a boss shares a new strategy with the team at a particular team meeting, different team members interpret the strategy very differently because of their unique concerns. These concerns affect our perceptions and attitudes (how we see things). And how we see things determine how we eventually act.

(2) First the WHO, then the WHY

In his book Start with Why, Simon Sinek taught us to ask why to seek out the purpose and meaning of what we do. However, having breakthroughs will require us to think differently. Have you had any of these thoughts before?

- Why do I struggle to trust this person?

- Why do I no longer feel excited about hitting my targets?

- Why do I lack confidence despite achieving consistently good results?

- Why did I put back the weight I worked so hard to lose?

- Why do I often feel that I am not being heard?

When we ask "Why" without working on the “Who”, we often do not see breakthrough results.

We assume we can generate breakthrough results using the same operating system. However, we keep seeing the same things and forming the same stories inside our heads. We make decisions “more or less” the same way.

When the operating system remains the same, any upgrading will eventually hit a limit. Even if there are breakthrough results, they do not sustain over some time.

Borrowing the words from James Clear (author of Atomic Habits):
“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

Ontological coaching addresses the “who” by helping clients examine their existing system. This system is the dynamic interplay between the three domains. Ontological coaching explicitly focus on the “Way of being” to help clients upgrade to a stronger operating system.

(3) Not a Psychological Approach to Coaching
Unlike other approaches to coaching, ontological coaching does not have a psychological basis. An ontological approach to coaching is grounded in philosophy and the biology of cognition. Compared to other coaching traditions such as the cognitive-behavioural approach, ontological coaching is not based on the concept of mind but explicitly on the concept of Way of Being.

Many approaches are rooted in Descartes's concept of being human - 'I think, therefore I am'.

From an ontological perspective, human cognition is more than thinking. To consider humans only as thinking beings runs the risk of over-focusing on the domain of language and not explicitly attending to the equally important domains of emotions and body to facilitate change. Ontological coaching's methodology is unique in the explicit integration of language, emotions and body.

Article for Leaders and Managers

What’s the relevance of Ontological Coaching for organizations?

Ontological Coaching can be relevant to organizations and individuals in several ways:

(1) Ontological Coaching is a personal change methodology.
In the 1-1 coaching work, the coachees receive support in examining emotional habits and patterns, patterns that show up in the body as well as thought patterns. In exploring deeper concerns through uncovering these patterns, the potential breakthroughs experienced by individuals often bring deep and sustainable change. When individuals are transformed, team and organizational cultures will also be transformed. Apart from managers and employees, ontological coaching is powerful for anyone who might be involved in work that supports others (leaders, managers, parents, mentors, teachers, social workers, pastors, religious workers, etc).

(2) Ontological Coaching helps leaders do their Self-Work
Adding to the first point, ontological coaching is especially powerful for leaders in the organization. Though there are many offerings of leadership skills, lessons, tips, and strategies in the world, the distinctive belief is that leaders can only truly DO leadership from their way of BEING. If the leaders aren’t aware of what’s happening within them and do their self-work, the quality of their leadership and their influencing capacity will be compromised. The effectiveness of their leadership decisions and communication becomes limited and that has a great impact on the business results of an organization.

(3) The Ontological Approach is part of an Organizational Development (OD) Process
The ontological approach provides a lens that explores how organizations function. While it is often said that people are the most valuable resource and organizations run through people, the ontological approach suggests that it’s the interaction and conversations between people that make an organization tick. The ontological approach provides a very solid methodology and process to examine how leaders and employees are relating and interacting with others. The process empowers individuals to self-monitor and self-adjust the quality of their conversations. 

On top of empowering individuals, the ontological process empowers teams in examining the kind of conversations that are taking place or missing (conversations of trust, decision-making, accountability, moods, etc). Ineffective conversations continually cause a waste of time, effort, and energy and stifle creativity and innovation. The ontological approach provides leaders and employees with a detailed set of tools to pay attention to the way they are engaging in conversations.

Conclusion: A Personal Story - how the ontological approach has helped me:

I discovered that when I change my behavior without getting a sense of the kind of person I am (WHO), then under stress, I’ll revert to behaviors that I am conditioned in. This was my blind spot. I have been addressing the WHAT without addressing the WHO.

One of the discoveries I made while learning the ontological approach: for years, I lived with a subconscious belief that I am a bad listener. To improve my listening, I got myself equipped with deep listening skills, went for active listening courses, read Stephen Covey’s book, and learned many great principles. Unfortunately, I found change hard to be sustained.

Under stress at work or home, I will revert to my usual behavior of dominating a conversation and seeking to convince others through my speech. I was unaware of my emotional habits and body patterns (how I show up to others). For those who understand the CliftonStrengths language, I have Communication, Command, Self-Assurance as my dominant themes. I have often been perceived as one who is domineering, high “D” or Alpha.

Through the ontological approach, I discovered a significant difference between “being a listener” and “listening as an action”. I explored new ways of being as a “listener”. I started learning to listen through my body and emotions. I also uncovered the body and emotional patterns that are deeply intertwined with my old behaviors.

As I learn to embrace an integrated approach to listening, I started building new emotional habits and new body dispositions, The integrated approach to being a listener was transformational. I now feel happy listening to others (I honestly could not imagine my old self saying this). I am now comfortable with silence. I saw improvement in my relationships, especially with my wife and children. As I experienced a sustained change within me, this transformation also ignited a new passion. I’m proud to say, I am now a certified ontological coach.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Family Conversations

It has been known that one of the key benefits of using the Gallup CliftonStrengths tool is that of enhancing relationships. Backed by 50 years of research, CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) provides a science to why people intuitively behave in a certain way - it is discovered that the motivation behind human behaviour can be greatly attributed to a person's unique talents. The CliftonStrengths tool measures the presence of talents in each individual and empowers people to understand themselves and grow in self-awareness. 

As a coach, I intentionally employ the CliftonStrengths tool for organizations, schools as well as for families and individuals. Using a guided approach, I facilitate strengths-based conversations to co-create rich and fruitful dialogues, which are often missed out in the hurriedness of work and life. After going through a session of Strengths-Based coaching, the Lo family from Singapore kindly agreed to do an interview and share their individual experiences of the family coaching session.

A short introduction of the Lo Family: James, father of the household, is a Singaporean businessman while Ai Ling, mother, is a homemaker who has recently completed a post-graduate course in Counselling. The eldest sibling, Samantha, works as a manager while the middle child in the family, Chrystella (known affectionately by all of them as La), works as a counsellor. Youngest of the siblings, Jonathan, is looking to complete his degree in business, studying in Singapore. The Lo family hopes that through this short interview, more families in Singapore as well as across the globe will be encouraged to understand each member's unique talents and experience a breakthrough in their relationships.

1) HOW DID THE SESSION HELP YOU TO KNOW YOUR FAMILY BETTER? 

James: I now learnt why Ai Ling is so insistent to do things or house work her ways. It’s attributed to her lenses and it’s helpful to understand her top 5. I also never knew that Jonathan has such a strong connection with his Harmony and Relator theme. I now know that his ability to form solid, mutually rewarding relationships is very important to him. I also learnt more about my 2 daughters: Sam is a very private person and that comes from her Deliberative theme. La will stop engaging during family discussions whenever she completed her own analysis of the issue at hand. That comes from her Analytical theme.

AL: I now understand why there are times that Jon and La "switched off" during family conversations. For Jon who has Harmony, I did not know previously that he does not really enjoy listening to lengthy debates and discussions and prefer discussing what we can do as a family together. For La, her Analytical enjoys analyzing different points of views and she is good at that. When there isn't any data to analyze, she switched off during the conversations. I also now understand why my husband with his Restorative theme often prescribes solutions that I don't feel I needed. Understanding that allows me to now be more patient.

La: For me, the session was helpful to provide a platform where family members could reflect on and share their views on how they respond & behave with the family, and why. The session also provided a platform for us to give feedback to each other and discuss ways to support each other better in our interactions. Example for me was when we discussed why my brother would at times zone out during family discussions, and how we can involve him more productively.

Sam: The session helped me to reframe my family's idiosyncrasies as needs behind their talent themes. For example: Mom's impatience as a need for something to be done, and be done quickly. That is her Activator’s need. For La, her Analytical theme requires her to be mentally engaged. If she’s not, she tends to switch off during family discussions.

Jon:  The session helped me to put into words the behaviours of my family members and to understand their personalities better. For example I didn't know why sometimes La seems uninterested. I used to think maybe she was just in a bad mood but now I know it’s because of her Analytical theme. 

READ: Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages

2) WHAT WAS SOMETHING THAT STOOD OUT FOR YOU DURING THE SESSION?

James: I find it extremely helpful to do this exercise and to understand each other viewpoints. The session which was facilitated by an experienced coach, definitely help to open each other up and create the openness and ability to talk freely.

AL: Our talents need to be moderated to bring out the strengths of the other person so that it is beneficial to all in the family otherwise love becomes loath.

Sam: Talking about how we experience our talents and how those talents sometimes may drive other family members crazy. The conversation made me realized the efforts that each member of my family has made to put aside their preferences to show love to the family. I realized that when I look back at the individuals we were years ago, we have come some way in trying to "tame" our parts of our talents that annoy each other. Also, another thing that stood out was that everyone was trying to understand each other. There was the connecting of the dots - we were piecing together what we have observed of one another, with the new StrengthsFinder language we now have learned to describe each other.

La: What stood out to me was the insights between specific family member interactions, and certain patterns that I have observed in our family. Light was shed on the reason for some of these observations.

Jon: What stood out to me through the conversation was how my family, especially my parents, actually observes a lot about each other. I didn't know that they as well as myself actually notice so much.

3) WHAT WAS ONE PRACTICAL APPLICATION YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE SESSION?

James: For me, I will now refrain from providing solutions to any challenges my family members may have. I now realized that was from my Restorative theme. I will instead do my best to direct them and let them discover their own solutions instead of me quickly providing solutions to their challenges.

AL: I feel that I will not insist that things be done my way and get annoyed when certain things did not happen. Instead I will clarify my needs as well as ask my family members for their rationale behind what they do or don't do.

Sam: I now have gained practical ways to engage La and Jon in our family conversations when they seem to switch off. Also, I’ve learnt that to use the CliftonStrengths language of another person's talents can be powerful in order to better communicate with them.

La: I think I can be more communicative to help my family with other types of talents. Eg. My sister's Responsibility theme and my mother's Activator. I need to communicate that I will do the tasks they have asked me to do and as much as possible to give a timeline. In that way, they will not feel I'm irresponsible or slow.

Jon: For me, I have learnt the importance of the need to understand how my family functions in order to show and appreciate their love in a greater measure. 

Ending Thoughts: Every family unit, whether in Singapore or beyond, desires to grow in intimacy and love for one another. Using the CliftonStrengths tool, having Strengths-Based conversations allow family units to go deeper into understanding each person's unique perspectives and further build on the foundation of mutual respect. It is proven that just by having that deeper understanding of each other's perspectives alone can empower an individual to become more patient with family members. We believe that all families should consider using this tool to enhance and develop rich conversations.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

First published in 2016.
Updated in 2021.

Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to Resolve Conflicts

Conflicts are commonplace. While they are never fun, these conflicts can strengthen relationships when properly managed. In this regard, many Singaporeans have asked me how the CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) tool can be used in conflict resolution. It is my view that while the CliftonStrengths tool might not be able to resolve all the challenges faced in conflict management, it does provide a few good handles. This article was written to share how I have integrated my personal leadership experience with the tool. 

How do I use CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) to resolve conflicts? 

1. Recognize that because of our talent themes, we all have different lenses through which we see the world.

Many clashes are caused by differences in perspectives. If we add that to our natural tendency to impose our lenses on others as we interact with the world, we see the two primary reasons why conflicts are commonplace. 

CliftonStrengths provides the science behind conflicts by building on the above two reasons. Using this tool, Gallup has shown through research that the probability of two individuals having the same top five strengths in the same order is 1 in 33 million.

This statistic provides the science and demonstrates empirically a fact that no other tool has been able to illustrate: we all see things differently. Conflicts therefore occur when we impose our perspectives (which come from our strengths) on others. The unfortunate thing is that most people impose their strengths on others while remaining unaware that they are doing so.

While it may seem obvious that everyone is different and has different perspectives, the negative emotions generated in a conflict often hinder this understanding. Our emotions are therefore not the best go-to place if we are to resolve conflicts. We need a tool that enables us to dig into our rational mind to counter the negative emotions.

CliftonStrengths as a tool fulfils this purpose. By understanding the science behind conflicts, many begin to understand that most conflicts happen not because of office politics nor personal attacks. These conflicts are simply a result of views imposed onto one another (often without awareness). 

Understanding this science therefore empowers us in two areas: it allows us to have an increased capacity to be patient and open-minded with others, which becomes a source of strength to resolve conflicts. It also empowers us to move forward in finding solutions instead of playing the blame game. 

2. Ask good questions to decipher why you were upset.

This point is a continuation of the first point. When we are clear on what triggers us, we are able to better manage our emotions. We are also able to strengthen communication by sharing these trigger points with others. To build this self-awareness, we can use the StrengthsFinder tool to better understand ourselves. 

Some examples: 

If I have the Communication theme, a question to ask myself might be, "What were the specific words spoken that triggered the negative emotions?" 

If I have the Analytical theme, a question to ask might be, "What exactly was illogical or hard to accept?" 

If I have the Empathy theme, a question to ask might be, "What made me perceived that the person did something unkind or did something that did not take into consideration others’ feelings?" 

If I have the Discipline theme, a question to ask might be, "what happened that threw me off-guard and caused me to feel upset?"

3. Seek to reconcile and forgive rather than simply forget.

Many people choose to sweep things under the carpet, believing that the conflicts will eventually be forgotten. I personally would not recommend this approach of conflict avoidance. The fundamental belief of such an approach is that time will heal all wounds. However, I have seen how the seed of distrust will keep on growing unless there is an ability to destroy this seed (through proper conflict resolution). 

I believe in taking ownership of the conflict. This requires both humility and courage. It is always easier to blame others, but taking ownership means seeking a way to move the relationship forward. I am a firm believer that relationships can be strengthened from resolving conflicts. 

I often advocate the idea that “the individual is more important than the issue.” It takes great humility to consider and value others more than seeking our own rights. The reason that parental love is so powerful is that parents are able to lay down their rights and do what is best for their children, even if it means moving out of their comfort zone. I believe the same idea can be applied towards relationships at work and at home. 

READ: DEVELOPING HUMILITY

4. Understand what strengths might have caused the conflict to happen. 

When we understand our own strengths, this understanding helps us to grow in maturity. When we understand the strengths of others, this understanding helps us to grow in patience with them and strengthen the relational capacity. 

A simple way to discover what strengths are clashing during a conflict is to debrief and ask each other this question after things have cooled down: "Which strengths (in the StrengthsFinder language) do you think caused us to clash?" How?

There was an incident I had a heated argument with Jason, my ex-business partner. Angry words were exchanged, and I found out later that I made a statement during our argument that caused him to be emotionally charged. The statement I made was, "What you did does not build trust." As Jason is a Relator, trust is extremely fundamental to him, so those words I used were cutting. Through our debrief, I learnt about this importance. We agreed that moving forward, "trust" as a word shall be used only for affirmation and to build one another up, rather than in the heat of the moment. 

Such debriefs can help us to avoid future conflicts on this topic. Further, the respect and trust we have for one another can be deepened as a result of these debriefs.

Concluding Thoughts: The CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) tool provides the science behind many of the conflicts that happen and it has become a valuable resource to many. It is worthwhile to note that the effectiveness of a tool is largely dependent on how a person uses it. The tool is only powerful in conflict resolution when an individual truly values the relationship and genuinely seeks for a resolution.   

A Manager’s Guide: Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) in Personal Development

In 2016, Gallup scientists found that managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement across business units. This simply means that managers have a lot of influence on an employee’s performance and engagement level. Gallup also reports that strengths-based interventions can result in a 9-15% increase in employee engagement.

In short: empowering managers to focus on their strengths and the strengths of their teams is key in increasing employee engagement.

As a Gallup-Certified CliftonStrengths Coach and manager myself, this is my mandate. I need to:

(1) know and understand my own dominant CliftonStrengths themes,
(2) have ownership of them, and
(3) intentionally aim my strengths towards my goals as a manager.

My leadership belief is to lead by example, and I strongly believe that all influence flows first out of our own personal growth and transformation. I know I’ve made an impact when the team members around me are influenced by the way I choose to lead. This article was written to share about part of the personal journey I have taken to grow myself as a Strengths-Based Manager.

How can a manager use CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) to develop himself?

Step One: Understand Your Dominant Themes as a Manager

I started digging into all the resources I could get my hands on to learn more about my dominant CliftonStrengths themes. I did what the Gallup Strengths Action Report advised me to do: I took a pen and underlined everything that resonated with me in the reports. I watched all the different videos I could find to get a greater understanding of my talent themes. I also scoured the Internet for articles that I felt would aid me in my understanding.

But I have to admit: that whole process was somewhat tedious and challenging for me. Resources were scarce back then. This experience led me to create a bank of resources for managers like myself, who desire to learn and understand more. My hope is that these resources will accelerate the learning process for others.

@@The first step to understanding our talents themes is to reflect on our behaviors, habits and past experiences.@@

For example: 

Activator: I realized my Activator gives me the desire to always be on the move and to do things fast. Because of this need for speed and sense of urgency, I am easily upset when my family takes their own sweet time to get ready whenever we’re going for a family outing. I also realized that I enjoy going on drives with my two sons. One of my favorite ways to spend some quality time with them is to take them on bus and train rides, even if there’s no particular destination we have in mind.

Communication: I realized that I am a lot more productive when I can air out my thought processes and share them with others. The process of sharing my ideas sharpens my thoughts. I have often improved on many of my ideas in the midst of sharing them with others (without them giving any input). I now understand how verbal processing works in reality!

Maximizer: I realized that I really struggle a lot when I’m tasked to create something from scratch. That’s because of my Maximizer theme. In contrast, I’m extremely efficient when I’m given a template or something to work with: I can turn the existing materials into a brilliant piece of work. 

Strategic: I realized that I inherently enjoy options. I intuitively look for other alternatives and I often refrain from making any decisions when I do not have any alternatives to make comparisons. I enjoy browsing many different websites to compare prices while doing online shopping. I’ll also walk around an entire shopping mall looking for good eateries and comparing options when I’m deciding on where to have a meal. 

@@To connect our CliftonStrengths themes to our past experiences is to bring the knowledge from our heads into our hearts.@@  As I reflect on my own life more and more, I begin the journey of claiming and owning my dominant themes in greater measure.

Action Step: Can you connect your CliftonStrengths talent themes to your past experiences, patterns of thought, or habits? Try doing this for each of your top 5 talent themes.

Step Two: Own Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes As a Manager

Taking complete ownership of your CliftonStrengths themes is by no means an easy feat. Ownership comes when we start to accept and view our CliftonStrengths lenses in a positive way. @@Ownership drives us to action.@@  If we dislike our CliftonStrengths themes or are skeptical about them, we won’t be able to aim them toward specific goals we have our work and personal lives. 

I’d like to recommend one step that I have personally found helpful in building greater ownership of my strengths: @@Link your CliftonStrengths themes to an identity that you could assume at work.@@

For example, as a person with Activator as my number one CliftonStrengths theme, I see myself as a “Catalyst”. As I read the description of the Activator theme, this idea stands out for me and I know I enjoy working on great ideas by kicking-off projects.

For example, one of the projects I started at work was the Strengths workshops for Couples. The idea came out of a brainstorming session. In my mind, the workshop would be short so as to cater to busy couples in Singapore. Since I had personally experienced a powerful transformation in my own marriage in employing the CliftonStrengths tool, I thought this idea was brilliant. So after the brainstorming session, I immediately set a date for the workshop to happen, booked a venue, and within a month, the first Strengths couple workshop was birthed. It went very well and we have been running these workshops regularly ever since.

Being a Catalyst is an identity that I took ownership of, not just in my professional life but also in my personal life. In church, I saw the benefits of joining a men’s group for mentorship and accountability. Immediately, I rang up a couple of close male friends and we joined the men’s retreat and got connected to other men in church. That allowed us a place to share our career journeys and individual struggles. The support we received was helpful and immediately felt. 

This identity of a Catalyst helps me to own my CliftonStrengths Activator theme in a greater measure.

I have also observed how my other colleagues took on different identities that helped them to own certain kinds of work tasks, which in turn helped the team become more productive. When I was leading the team in Strengths School, we have a Creative Designer (Ideation), Researcher (Input), Fashion Consultant (Individualization), Data Analyst (Analytical), Welfare IC (Developer), and so on. 

Action Step: Based on your CliftonStrengths themes, what identity can you assume and build greater ownership of in your work role as a Manager?   

Step Three: Aim Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes as a Manager

Aiming our CliftonStrengths themes consists of two aspects. The first is understanding the negative impact that our strengths can have on our team members at work. The other is about intentionally connecting our dominant themes with specific, actionable goals tied to broader work outcomes. 

Aspect 1: Understanding Our Impact on Others as Managers
As I reflected on the way I’ve led my team in the past, I had a realization: We see the world through our CliftonStrengths lenses. As a manager, I’ve learned that:

• I must be aware of the areas I tend to impose my thoughts and decisions on my team. For example, I have a tendency to drive the team to act quickly because I believe that business opportunities are lost when one fails to move quickly. This is linked to my Activator lens. Knowing this at the back of my head empowers me to be patient with others in the team who prefer to think through risks and challenges (such as the Deliberative or Intellection themes). This knowledge pushes me to look for common ground rather than imposing my beliefs on them.
  
  

• I must be aware of what my natural behaviors are, particularly in times of stress. For example, as someone with Activator, Communication and Command, I know I am prone to immediately responding with raw and emotionally-charged words, usually without thinking. This is especially so when I perceive some kind of aggression coming from another person. Being aware of this tendency empowers me to do two things: firstly, I now have a greater ability to catch myself exhibiting this behavior, especially when I notice the body language and response of my colleagues. This allows me to effectively reduce the damage done as a manager by quickly pulling back this destructive behavior. Secondly, I am now able to explain my tendencies to my team and colleagues and empower them to help me. They know that they can call for a time-out when they sense that the discussion has reached an agitated state. They can also find different ways to calm me down and find out why I feel agitated.
  
  

• I must be aware of my leadership style and how that relates to my strengths. For example, I am a high risk-taker and I have the propensity to take on projects that bring the team into unchartered territory. Understandably, that often causes a lot of stress on the team. This tendency comes from my Self-Assurance theme. Knowing this helps me to make more effort in explaining the background and reasons on embarking on specific projects as well as hearing the feedback from the team.

Aspect 2: Connecting Our Strengths towards Goals
Aiming our strengths is about intentionally connecting our CliftonStrengths themes with specific, actionable goals tied to work outcomes. Employing the use of SMART goals in aiming our strengths is highly recommended. Careful consideration has to be given when setting these goals. Personal discipline also has to be exercised to stay focused on working out these actionable goals. This is where accountability partners can be of great help. We need reminders and help to stay on track.

Some personal examples of goals I’ve set in the past:

Activator: As a Business development person, my goal was to connect with 50 new organizations within a year and convert 20% of them into clients

Communication: As a Strengths Coach and advocate, share with and influence 2000 people in Singapore and Asia to do the CliftonStrengths profiling assessment within a year

Strategic: As a business owner, get recurring business from 80% of our existing clients within a year

Self-Assurance: As a CliftonStrengths Coach, facilitate one CliftonStrengths workshop in a language other than English, and do it proficiently within a year (I measured this by making sure I scored at least 4 out of 5 in my overall trainer evaluation)

Command: As a leader, do a check-in with each staff on a monthly basis and make sure each person gets clear of “what’s expected of them at work” so that they can deliver the results.

READ ARTICLE: (UPDATED) GUIDE: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS AT WORK

A word of caution here: Ever since I started to aim my strengths towards my work goals, I have faced certain resistance. Some of these challenges were external. For example, a sudden surge in urgent matters demanding my attention. Other times, the challenges were internal. The resistance comes from a sense of fear and doubt in my personal ability (which can be completely irrational in nature). Sometimes, the fear can push me towards shifting the goalpost. Working on our strengths is not as easy as some might imagine to be but it will be rewarding!

Concluding Thoughts: When I made a decision to focus on being Strengths-based, I intentionally share with my team about how I use my CliftonStrengths themes at work. I share about the things that make me tick as a manager and how that relates to my talent themes. I share about my decision-making processes and how my different talent themes inform my decisions. I share my personal reflections on what I feel about my strengths and how I can develop myself. I conduct debriefs to get feedback on how my talent themes value-add to the different projects. I try to get 360-degree feedback to understand which of my strengths hinder me in being a successful manager. I believe firmly that our daily actions, conversations, and lifestyle must show others that we are Strengths-Based Managers.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.

Speed-Based StrengthsFinder Theme Combination

As a person with Activator as my top CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) theme, I love the idea of being fast. I have decided to share some of my thoughts on the CliftonStrengths themes using the idea of “speed”. As someone who enjoys illustration by contrast, I will discuss some commonly perceived StrengthsFinder themes based on the idea of “fast” and “slow”. This is a follow up article to the last one I wrote.

READ: TIME-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION

CliftonStrengths “FAST” Themes:

Activator: Those with Activator in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as being impatient and impulsive in nature. Activators tend to be “FAST in taking action" because of their unique wiring. “Actions speak louder than words”; “I learn as I do”; “Take action now before the opportunity is lost!” These are common thoughts tied to Activators. We can describe them as people who move fast but they are often seen as those who do not think things through and prone to make unsound decisions.

Strategic: Those with Strategic in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are “FAST to provide alternatives”. People with Strategic intuitively see different paths to the same destination and love to explore the best option. We can describe them as those who can think quickly on their feet and talented in finding shortcuts. However, they can also be perceived as those who jump to conclusions rather quickly instead of taking time to hear what others have to say.  

Woo: Those with Woo in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are socially adventurous. They are “FAST in making connections with people” and they usually pride themselves as sociable, outgoing and friendly. People with Woo enjoy connecting wide rather than deep and their speed in connection sometimes cause others to label them as “social butterflies”. They can also be perceived as people who prefer to make social connections over completing work tasks. 

Adaptability: Those with Adaptability in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are easy going and flexible. They are “FAST in responding to sudden changes” and can be seen as highly spontaneous in nature. This unique ability empowers them to bounce back quickly and respond to dynamic situations. As opposed to many who prefer to be adequately prepared in nature, people with Adaptability can sometimes be perceived as those who are reactive rather than anticipatory. 

READ: UPDATED GUIDE: USING CLIFTONSTRENGTHS FOR WORK

CliftonStrengths “SLOW” Themes:

Context: Those with Context in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as people who enjoy reminiscing the past. Knowing the past helped those with Context to find emerging blueprints as well as tried and tested solutions. Before making a decision, those with Context need to know what has happened before, what contributed to the existing situation, why certain decisions were made previously etc. We can describe them as people who have a special ability to keep the connections between different generations by building on past successes. Because of the need to understand background and past information, people with Context are perceived to be “SLOW in decision making”. They can sometimes be long-winded and share unnecessary details when they chair meetings. They can also be perceived as those who drag out meetings because of the tendency to ask questions that require extensive sharing of background information and past data. 

Relator: Those with Relator in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are authentic, trustworthy, loyal and will go the extra mile for their close friends, regardless of inconvenience. They take time to forge deep connections, believing that people take time to open up their hearts and build trust.  We can describe Relators to be those who break work barriers and are able to cultivate genuine friendships. A work team filled with Relators can have the potential to build extremely tightly knitted groups with high trust and loyalty to one another. Relators can be perceived as “SLOW to warm up to new faces” and are cliquish and unfriendly. Relators can struggle in environments where the need to build fast connections is a work requirement. 

Deliberative: Those with Deliberative in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are careful, attentive to details and socially private. They take time to think deep in order to assess potential danger. They are very confident once they have their own conclusion after adequately assessing the risks involved. They thrive in work that require high governance and strong attention to details. However, they can often be misconstrued as “SLOW in decision making” especially when urgent and quick decisions need to be made. 

Harmony: Those with Harmony in their top 5 CliftonStrengths results or dominant themes are usually known by their friends as those who are collaborative and peace-making. In a team setting, people with Harmony dislike conflicts and will make efforts to hear each person out and to find a common ground to move forward. As a result, they can be “SLOW in decision making”, preferring to make sure people’s opinions are considered than to make a decision of their own. They take time to find consensus and get alignment in order to move forward. They thrive in work that require strong teamwork and are often the glue in holding together a high performance team. 

CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Theme Combinations:

When any two of the “fast” CliftonStrengths themes are within the dominant strengths of an individual, the interaction is likely to cause the “speed” to increase further. For example, a person with Activator and Adaptability can suddenly decide to purchase an item while shopping in a store and the purchase will be completed almost instantaneously (regardless of the price). It does not matter if there could be a better deal at another store. It is the desire to act now in order to own a particular item that makes the shopping fulfilling.

When any two of the “slow” themes are within the dominant strengths of an individual, the interaction is likely to cause the “speed” to decrease further. For example, a leader of a team who possesses both Relator and Harmony will prefer to speak to each team member on a 1-1 basis to find consensus on a particular matter. Making a quick decision will be extremely uncomfortable for such an individual as he or she will feel that the best decision can only be made after gathering feedback from each individual.

Using another example, a person who has both Deliberative and Relator as dominant strengths will take more time to open up and connect to others in new environments. The speed that this individual takes to build trust with new faces and to work well with them will likely be slower in comparison to others.

When an individual has both a "fast" CliftonStrengths theme and a “slow” theme in the dominant strengths, the end result will usually depend on the maturity of the individual as well as the context. For example, a young person who has both Activator and Deliberative as dominant strengths could be careless when there is a need to be careful and slow in decision making when there is a need to be quick in order to grab an opportunity. In maturity, this individual will have the unique ability to display the right strength at the right time.

Concluding Thoughts: As a Leadership Coach who enjoys helping leaders in the area of personal development, I acknowledged that people’s perceptions are derived from many factors and not limited to simply “CliftonStrengths themes”. The broad categorization of the CliftonStrengths themes is by no means an absolute and this article is written to share my own personal thoughts and to create greater awareness of the interesting dynamics.

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

Time-based CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Theme Combination - A Unique Singaporean

In my personal view, the CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) Profiling Assessment is one that epitomizes uniqueness. I can often find some interesting traits that are tied to the CliftonStrengths talent themes. This CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) Theme Combination Series explore unique traits tied to some of the themes. This article explores the themes that are time-based.

While everyone has a unique combination of strengths in their top 5 CliftonStrengths themes, some combinations come across to me as intriguing and interesting. Singaporean Student, Yu Fung, had a pretty interesting combination of CliftonStrengths themes. This combination caught my eyes because his themes have a time-based characteristic tied to them. Yu Fung has Context, Adaptability and Futuristic in his top 5 CliftonStrengths results. A person with Context enjoys looking into the past to make sense of the future. A person with Adaptability prefer to be in the present and enjoys the "now". A person with Futuristic likes to dream about possibilities that can happen in the future. This was the first time I came across such a unique and interesting combination since I started Strengths-Based coaching in Singapore. To top it up, Yu Fung also had Connectedness in his top 5 CliftonStrengths results.

I had the privilege to interview Yu Fung to understand a little bit more about how he naturally think, feel and behave. The interview is detailed below.

1) Could you share with us the sequence of how you go about making decisions having all 3 talent themes (Context, Adaptability & Futuristic)? If you can, provide an example so that readers can understand.

YF: I tend to find myself making decisions by first thinking of what has already occurred in the past, using "Context" to filter the answers to my question out. Following that, I will think of ways to "repeat" those occurrences from the past in the coming future, using the "Futuristic" trait. After which, I then adjust my current situation and myself to get the desired result I want to see in the future, thus using "Adaptability", and all 3 themes to make decisions. An example of how I make decisions like this would be my goal of studying at Waseda University. Firstly, I did some research on what kind of graduates the University produced in the past. Through the research, I decided that it would be good if I can graduate from this same University in the future, as it had produced influential graduates in the past. After making this decision and having a goal in mind, I used this information to change my subject combination now in the Singapore Junior College that I'm studying at. I decide to change the subject combination to one that I feel will give me the best chance to enrol in that particular University in the future. This is how many of my decisions are made using these three different talent themes.

2) Is there a difference for the sequence when it comes to smaller decisions compared to bigger ones? 

YF: Regarding the sequence of talents utilised during choices, I mostly tend to lean towards solely my Adaptability theme when there are quick decisions to be made and I have only a few minutes to make these decisions. I use all the three talent themes of Context, Adaptability and Futuristic mainly when there are large and key decisions.

3) Which talent theme do you resonate with the most and why? 

YF: Personally I feel I resonate the most with the Context theme as I really enjoy digging up the past with all its mysteries. I feel the past has a lot of meaning and I enjoy reading about what others have done. I love studying my history subject in school!

4) You're the first person whom I have come across who has all 3 "time factored" talents. How do you feel about this combination? 

YF: Haha. I think that these 3 talents I have are quite special in a way to me. Using them is almost second nature to me. Now knowing that I am so unique is really surprising to me. I always thought such thinking is normal. I feel great about this talent theme combination because I really enjoy using these 3 talent themes. It is who I am.

5) How are these 3 talent themes shown when it comes to your studies or school life? 

YF: I feel that the Futuristic theme is the one theme I rarely use in school especially in Junior College. Maybe I just need more guidance on how to use this theme effectively. I feel that the Context theme is very much visible due to the plain fact that I take History as a subject. I really enjoy studying about the past. I use my Adaptability theme frequently in my studies as I tend to adjust my study schedules a lot. I enjoy studying in a very dynamic and spontaneous way. 

6) Have you taken any leadership role before? If yes, how do you think you use these 3 talents for your leadership role? 

YF: I was appointed the head of the Secondary One students in my previous Co-Curricular Activity (CCA) during my senior years in Secondary school. I had to use my Context theme to recreate programs or initiatives that I felt was personally impactful to me in the past, while adapting minor changes to make the planned programs more effective to the students I was leading. I think the fine tuning was the Adaptability theme at work. Of course, the programs are made because my Futuristic believes that the students can grow in the future as a direct or indirect result of the planned program. 

7) Do you have any interests/ hobbies/ favourite movies covering 1, 2 or all 3 of the talents? 

YF: I do not really have hobbies that cover the Futuristic talent theme, but I do have some for the other 2 themes of Context and Adaptability . I enjoy building scale model replicas of World War II battleships, and am currently still working on one. This is because I deeply enjoy the history of WW2. I also enjoy playing RTS (Real-Time Strategy) games, as they force me to think on my feet and make decisions as and when something happens, using my Adaptability theme. 

8) When you think and reflect on your own life, how do these 3 talent themes affect your thought process?

YF: Whenever I reflect on my life, I feel that I tend to follow the ranking of the strengths I have tellingly. I will always start by thinking of what have I done before, then move on to what outcome I desire to accomplish in the future. After that, I will decide on what to do in the present. This is my natural thought process.

YF: Thank you for this interview. I learn a lot about myself as I reflect.

Concluding Thoughts: Some people have very interesting combinations of talent themes in their top 5 StrengthsFinder results. These combinations provide very unique perspectives that can become a great source of strength and power to help a person succeed in what he does. 

If you know of someone who you feel has a very unique combination of talent themes, let me know! I'll love to conduct an interview with this person to find out more! Do watch out for part 2 of this StrengthsFinder Theme Combination Series. The next article will explore StrengthsFinder themes tied to the idea of speed.

READ: SPEED-BASED STRENGTHSFINDER THEME COMBINATION

Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command

What's in a Teacher?

I have always admired what teachers do. I married a teacher, and I have so many good friends who chose this vocation.

As a Gallup certified coach in Singapore, I also have the added privilege of working with many school leaders and teachers, conducting Strengths-based Leadership Workshops for teachers and partnering with them in conducting Strengths-based student development programs. 

Being a teacher is a high calling. To many Singaporeans, the profession entails imparting knowledge and developing the students’ potential.

But to me, it’s so much more than that.

The long hours, the intense marking of scripts, the pressure of managing a group of vastly different (and easily distracted) students every day, and the increasing administrative workloads make this vocation an extremely challenging one.

In fact, many teachers suffer burn-out because of the intense day-to-day demands. I’ve often heard first-hand the challenges faced by teachers, and I’ve grown to develop much respect for these teachers.

As we celebrate Teachers’ Day this week, I’m asking myself this question: “What’s in a teacher? What kind of strengths do teachers in Singapore have?”

Driven by that question, I took some time to compile data on different teachers in Singapore. I’ve coached almost all of them or conducted Strengths-based Leadership Workshops for. 

In this analysis, I look into a sample size of 1,200 teachers spanning 30 different Singaporean government schools, including primary, secondary, and junior colleges.

What were my findings? 

Amongst all the teachers I’ve worked with, the Responsibility talent theme is the most common. Out of the sample size of 1,200, 39% of them had the Responsibility theme in their Top 5 profiles.

The second most common strength is the Learner theme, coming in at 33%.

From there, Relator, Connectedness, and Harmony are the next most common themes (in that order). These three StrengthsFinder themes are found amongst 26-27% of the teacher population. (The difference in percentages was so small as to be negligible, although a larger sample size might reveal a greater disparity.)

On the other end of the spectrum, the rarest strength amongst Singaporean teachers is the Competition StrengthsFinder theme. Only 1% of the teachers in the sample had this theme.

The second rarest strength is the Significance StrengthsFinder theme, coming in at 2%.

What does this data tell us about teachers in Singapore?

1. Singaporean teachers are dedicated and committed.

This is evident from the Responsibility theme. This finding comes as no surprise, given what I’ve observed on a regular basis.

The high sense of ownership drives many teachers to have a deep dedication to their work. Pushing hard (often to the point of working on weekends) is incredibly normal to many teachers. The dedication to impact students often means going the extra mile too.

Married to a teacher wife whose number 1 strength is Responsibility, I often observe how this deep sense of dedication plays out. I have seen many times how she went beyond her duty to help her students with other aspects of their lives (beyond the academic portion). I imagined that many teachers are doing the same. There are so many stories I have heard from friends recounting how different teachers have impacted their lives. With my Responsibility strength ranked at number 22, I'm amazed at how powerful the deep sense of psychological ownership can be.

I think we should all celebrate the fact that as a nation, Singapore is full of dedicated teachers! 

READ: USING STRENGTHSFINDER AS A TEACHER

2. Singaporean teachers embody lifelong learning.

When we talk about Singapore’s vision to cultivate a “Learning Nation,” these are people who truly walk the talk. This comes from the strong Learner theme within the demographic.

I am also mindful that the unique wiring of those with the Learner theme gives them the inclination to pursue this calling as a teacher. Many Learners enjoy the process of learning and they desire to impart their knowledge and skills to others as well.

I learnt a lot about Learners by observing my wife in action. Her motivation to make sure our kids pick up knowledge and skill sets from a very young age sets her apart from me (I'm quite low on the Learner theme). She spends quite a bit of time learning about how she can create better activities for the kids to learn more effectively, as well as creating platforms for the kids to pick up new knowledge and skills. This is in stark contrast to me – I do enjoy learning, but am often not very intentional about it. With the combination of Responsibility and Learner as her top 2 strengths, I’m thankful and assured that the teachers in our nation take extremely high ownership of their own learning and those of the kids.

I can safely conclude that the MOE mission of cultivating lifelong learners is a corporate mission that resonates deeply with our teachers. With Learner as one of their top themes, it’s more of an intrinsic desire than a job that needs to be done. Thank God that we have so many educators who have the Learner theme! 

3. Singaporean teachers build deep lasting relationships.

This is a result of having such a large group of teachers possess the Relator theme.

Relators are those who build deep and lasting relationships. In a world where we are experiencing increasing number of broken families, some of the deep friendships that the teachers have forged with their students will make a huge lasting impact. I believe many of the Singapore teachers will look back and realized the trust and belief they give to their students will empower them to choose the right path.

Relators also value authenticity. This finding tells me that in the development of students, teachers will inevitably challenge and teach students to embrace the full measure of their own unique identities rather than trying to make them be like someone else.

With the growing increase of a narrative telling young people to pursue a quick shot at stardom, this trait is especially important, in my opinion. We, as a nation, need teachers who can help young people combat the lure of trying to be like their idols. We need teachers who can model authenticity to young people. Relators have that gift.

4. Singaporean teachers see the bigger picture behind their individual work.

There is a greater purpose and meaning to this vocation. This comes from the Connectedness theme. Teachers are not merely raising the quality of students. They are building a nation. They are equipping the future generations of Singapore.

It’s said that it takes a village to raise a child. The teachers with Connectedness probably understand the depth of such a phrase. There is now more and more emphasis on collaborative work with different stakeholders to help strengthen the development of our youth. There are more parent dialogue sessions. There are more internship arrangements with companies and different industry partners.

I am very encouraged to find so many school leaders and teachers who are willing to partner with us to impact the lives of the students. Rather than simply seeing us as vendors providing a service, many teachers view us as partners who also contribute to the work of building up our future generations.

It is heartening to see so many teachers with this theme. We need teachers who are gifted in connecting the dots. Rather than seeing education as a pursuit of paper qualifications, this finding tells me that our teachers are driven to help young people understand the impact of education on the different areas of their lives! That is worth giving thanks for!

5. Singaporean teachers embrace the collaborative narrative.

This comes from the Harmony theme. People with Harmony enjoy collaborative work. Rather than tearing ideas down, they seek to find alignment and consensus within the different voices.

In a world dominated by "I," "me," and "mine," it is so important that our future generations have teachers who can emphasize the "we" and "us" and what it means to work closely with others.

It is said that the increase of technology usage and social media has a direct impact in lowering the level of social skills of our future generations. I am glad to find that so many of our teachers are hard wired to seek for consensus and collaboration. This tells me that it will be natural for many teachers to teach and model teamwork and community building for the students. That will be such an important aspect moving forward. Our teachers are armed with the strength to counter the individualistic culture through the Harmony theme.

Other than building a collaborative narrative, people with Harmony are also people who desire to bring peace. In a world where racism is still a norm in many nations, we need teachers who can help the young cultivate a sense of respect for people regardless of race, language or religion. The lack of racial harmony has wrecked many nations. I’m thankful that a large group of our Singapore teachers intrinsically value peace and collaboration.

Concluding thoughts: After highlighting the 5 most common strengths found among our teachers, I discovered something interesting about the other spectrum. While there is a sizeable number of Singaporeans with the Competition StrengthsFinder theme, only 1% of our teachers have this theme.

This tells me that the teachers in Singapore are not likely to be obsessed with benchmarking. While the current system puts a certain pressure on students to go all out in pursuing stellar academic results, our Singaporean teachers might not enjoy such a system. There has been a gradual shift in the focus by MOE to move away from giving too much emphasis to the academic successes of our students. I’m guessing many of our teachers are quietly smiling in their hearts.

What are your thoughts?

Do you resonate with the findings? I'd be happy to hear your thoughts!

Regardless, join me in thanking all the teachers in Singapore for their dedication and passion to invest in the young and helping them to be "Future-Ready!" 

 

Discovering Each Other's Best

As a former Youth Pastor, I have spoken to many young people on a very common topic: how to navigate through challenges in Boy-Girl Relationships (BGR) and courtships. When many young people enter into a courtship or relationship, they are often also in a developmental stage of life and growing in maturity. Navigating through challenges in a courtship often takes a toil emotionally and mentally. Many young people often found out after they enter into such a relationship, that differences in personality can be both a blessing or a snare. Much depends on the ability and maturity to manage these differences. 

I interviewed a couple, Samuel Lee and Gloria Pang, while they were in the midst of courtship. They were people who actively sought counsel from mentors, surrounded themselves with peers who can offer them encouragements and looked out for tools that can help them strengthen their relationships. 

One of the tools that Samuel and Gloria actively use is the CliftonStrengths (formerly Gallup StrengthsFinder) tool. They both believe in using the tool as a a means to discover the best of each another. As they used the CliftonStrengths tool for over a year and actively had different conversations (often deep ones) over each other’s strengths, they experienced different benefits on their relationship. When I invited them to share with others their experiences, they graciously agreed. Before we begin, they will like to add some comments about this interview.

• This interview is about how they use the CliftonStrengths tool to grow their relationship. They believe that the tool must be aligned to common values and a commitment and accountability to each other.

• This interview is about how they used the CliftonStrengths tool effectively while continuing to leverage other means to strengthen their relationship. The tool remains one of the different means towards their desired outcome of a strong relationship.

Let’s read what they have to say!

1. How do you feel when you first saw each other's top 5? 

S: Honestly, I felt slightly discouraged initially because of how different our strengths were like (Hahahaha). It was quite obvious as well because we were both accessing the StrengthsFinder App on our phones and the colours shown were so different! They were just the opposite – Purple and Blue (for Gloria) vs Yellow and Red (for mine). I realized our strengths are in so different domains. After reading through her Strengths descriptions, I realized that the CliftonStrengths tool had come up with a language for me to articulate things about Gloria that I knew intuitively but did not know how to articulate or describe.

G: Daunted! I think I didn’t understand the magnitude of us being created and wired so differently until we talked about it at length on various occasions. While the initial reaction was feeling daunted by the implications, I also believe that there is strength and something exciting about diversity. 

2. Out of your partner's top 5 talents, which do you feel often stands out in the relationship and has been a blessing to you? 

S: Gloria’s Relator. Definitely. I think her Relator theme is what helps our relationship grow deeper continuously. I often feel like she’s the safest person I can share things, knowing that she values deep sharing. She also responds well to all my sharing because she understands my feelings intuitively without me needing to elaborate much. We often spend hours talking about everything and anything from my work, our pasts or our dreams.

Being her boyfriend, I enjoy her prioritizing our relationship above many of her other important things and it gives me a sense of joy knowing that our connection grows stronger each day. She also gives me a sense of closeness and I have discovered that the way she trusts me has been a really huge blessing.

G: Probably Sam's Futuristic (watch this Futuristic video done by Samuel) and Strategic talent themes! His Futuristic theme means that he thinks and plans for the future as well as paints positive pictures of what the future can look like. His Strategic theme shows him different options and ways to achieve something. So in our relationship, if we feel stuck or might not have a solution to something, his Strategic theme allows him to think of many options and find the best one that will be most beneficial for us. 

3. What did you discover about each other after taking the Strengthsfinder assessment that you did not previously know?

S: Hahahaha, I think we both discovered that differences did not mean we would necessarily live in conflict and unhappiness but that we could live complementing each other and enjoying the fruits of having 10 different dominant CliftonStrengths themes!

I began to realize that she was someone who viewed the world rather differently from me through her Responsibility theme. Her description says that driven by her talents she would naturally have high standards for whatever she is tasked with and that she would not rest till she had completed the duty given to her. She also would more than likely say yes to new tasks given to her to perform.

That was something we initially had discussions about because I did not understand why despite her schedule being packed as it was, she would still say yes to doing things for people. We had a good talk about it afterwards. I realized that I need to understand that her heart is to do things for the people she loves. This is something I have gotten used to.

I think one of the takeaways for her was realizing that when I talked about the future, I wasn’t just daydreaming but I was really casting a vision. I love giving hope to people (including her) about what the future could be like. Upon realizing I had the ‘Futuristic’ theme, she started being more open to the future plans I have envisioned and shared with her. Because of my Maximizer and Activator theme as well, she realized that these “future plans” can actually become a real possibility.

G: I guess that we are really truly different? Like the lens through which we view the world can be quite different, as well as the way we process, interpret things, what we think about, what we intrinsically value and are excited or energised by. 

4. Which of your talent themes often clash and contribute to the conflicts between the both of you? How did you try to resolve these conflicts? 

S: Initially, my Maximizer theme and her Developer theme would clash often and contribute to conflicts. As leaders serving together in our church youth ministry, while I was focused on choosing the best people for a certain role and job, she would often see the opportunity to grow people. At times we would have differences over how we viewed people because of these two themes. Admittedly though, those arguments have helped both our Maximizer and Developer themes mature.

The other way these two themes clashed was in our behaviours. As a Maximizer, I was a lot more impatient with tasks given because I desired to do things the best way and get great results. For her as a Developer, she was rather patient and knew that things needed time and the people we were mentoring needed time to grow and become better at what they are doing.

We resolved these conflicts by firstly acknowledging that no strength was better than the other and we chose to seek to understand each other’s strengths first. After which we would use our other Strengths to help resolve our differences. For example, whenever there was a time crunch, Gloria would realize that by using her Responsibility theme, the right thing to do would be to get the things done quickly. That will align with my Maximizer and Activator themes. However, if we were looking at a long term project, by using my Futuristic theme, I would understand that growing people and being patient with group members or mentees would require time. This will help align me to her Developer theme.

G: Possibly his Maximizer and my Developer! I think his Maximizer theme often compels him to focus on the best or in achieving the best. At times, that makes me feel that our progress or growth in our relationship is insufficient (which is contrary to the lens of the developer talent). At times, I will misunderstand his Maximizer lens and think that he has a constant discontentment with our relationship. That would also imply and made me feel inadequate in this relationship. 

5. Which strengths do you think you can intentionally leverage more for the strengthening of this relationship? 

S: I think my honest answer would be all the strength we have! But if I have to pick one, I would pick the Strategic theme! In the face of problems and obstacles, I have found that my ability to think outside the box and find alternative solutions helps us to not feel like we are trapped. Through the Strategic theme, I can see the path that would lead us to success and I will discard options that are less useful so that in confusion or crisis, we can still move forward!

G: Relator and Belief themes, I think my Relator theme allows us to build depth in our relationship. My Belief theme helps me by developing new convictions and values in the way I relate to Sam. This can be about relationships in general, or through learning new things about each other in ways that could be powerful. For example, a belief that conflict resolution rather than evasion is important for the relationships allows me to overcome my preference for the latter while honouring Sam’s preference for the former (and an overall strengthening of the relationship). 

I think I can harness my Developer theme more as well to move beyond merely recognizing the good and progress in our relationship, to communicating the progress. The communication of our progress can be a source of encouragement and affirmation to the both of us. 

6. You went through a CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) workshop session. How did you benefit from the workshop?

S:  I think the workshop was particularly enriching because it helped Gloria and I get to know each other more. Often, misunderstandings happen. To help realize that both persons are actually desiring the same outcome, the knowledge of how both persons are wired is essential! As our StrengthsFinder Coach, you provided a safe environment for couples to explore questions and dialogues that helped a lot. One of the things we learnt was our peak experiences (situations that we used all 5 of our dominant strengths for a situation and experienced great success). Hearing Gloria shared about what brought her fulfilment made me realized that I did not understand her CliftonStrengths themes and I had sometimes unintentionally poured cold water on something she was celebrating. That exercise was fun and simple yet deep and insightful! I would highly encourage the CliftonStrengths workshop to all couples!

READ: USING STRENGTHSFINDER FOR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS

G: I think the workshop was not just useful for me to understand my partner, but also to know learn how my strengths can be used to be a blessing to each other! I found the workshop very good! 

Concluding thoughts: One of the key reasons why the CliftonStrengths tool worked powerfully for Samuel and Gloria was because of the intentional way they used the tool for conversations. Those conversations helped to steer their relationships towards growth. I hope as you read about the benefits through this simple interview, you too can be personally encouraged and challenged to have deep strengths conversations with your partner. 

Contact me if you are interested to find out more about Couple Coaching.

Written by Victor Seet

The Blues of not having Blues

"It is human nature to look at what we lack rather than what we have"

I first did my CliftonStrengths (formerly known as Gallup StrengthsFinder) assessment couple of years ago when I was a full-time Youth Pastor in a local church in Singapore, specialising in youth training and development. After finishing the online CliftonStrengths assessment, I had Activator, Communication, Strategic, Achiever and Command in my top 5 results. I took time to read through the descriptions of each talent theme. There were mixed emotions when I got my results. I was a little skeptical and I had many questions running through my mind.

"How can it be that I do not have any strengths in the relational building or the blue domain?" I was a little concerned. (To be honest, "a little" is an understatement). I had a job that requires me to understand people's needs, to care for others genuinely and to reach out to new people on a regular basis. What that meant to me was that I needed very strong relational abilities in order to excel in what I do. I did my own research: watching many different StrengthsFinder videos and reading many different StrengthsFinder articles. I was really hoping that my concerns will be unfounded.

"It is not just human nature to look at what we lack, it is also second nature to reinforce that mindset by looking at others and comparing."

It became more disturbing when I compared my results with those of my colleagues in church and I saw that they had the strengths that I thought I should have in order to succeed in my role. As someone who spent a lot of time mentoring and training young people, I felt that it was important for me to have CliftonStrengths themes like Empathy, Developer or Relator. I have none. In fact, I have none of the nine themes that were classified under the relationship building domain. These nine are Empathy, Developer, Includer, Adaptability, Connectedness, Harmony, Positivity, Relator and Individualization. How could it be that I was a Youth Pastor in Singapore for so many years without any relational strengths being in my top 5? I began to doubt the validity of the CliftonStrengths Assessment.

Are you one of those who felt the same way as I did after you got your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) results?

The interesting part came after the emotions have settled and I started to think a little deeper. Have I been successful in my work as a Youth Pastor? Have I been given affirmation and positive feedback on what I did even though I do not have those “strengths” that I thought I should be having? 

• Have I shown to people under my supervision that I care even though I do not have the Empathy theme?

• Have I been an encourager to the youth who were struggling even though I do not have the Positivity theme or the Developer theme?

• Have I been welcoming to newcomers to the church even though I do not have the Woo theme?

• Have I been able to shown to my team that I am a person they can count on even though I do not have the Responsibility theme?
  
  As I reflected, I realized I could say an emphatic “YES” to all of the above. And that is without having a single “blue” strength or CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes that belong to the relationship building domain. I realized now that I have somehow innovated my strengths and have reached the outcomes I desired as a Youth Pastor. More importantly, I reached the outcomes using my own strengths in my own unique ways.

Today, as a Coach who has conducted multiple workshops in Singapore and across Asia, I have taught with great passion that it is not so much about the talents we do not have but how we use the talents we have to achieve the goals that we desired:

• A high performing individual can execute even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the executing domain.

• A high performing individual can influence even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the influencing domain.

• A high performing individual can care genuinely even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the relationship building domain (this happens to be me).

• A high performing individual can strategize and ideate even if he does not possess a single strength that falls under the strategic thinking domain.

High performing individuals know what they are very strong at. They use their strengths to overcome their lack or they find ways to manage their weaknesses.

As I strive towards high performance, I now work hard on three key areas:

1. I now focus on my top CliftonStrengths themes intentionally. I make a great effort to reduce the number of times my themes will manifest in the infancy stage (or otherwise known as basement or raw stage). I do that a lot by personal reflection. I actively solicit feedback from those I trust and work with. I try to have a debrief after a conflict occurs to find out what aspects of my behaviour hinders the relationship.

2. I focus on seeking different partners who can help me overcome different areas of my weaknesses. I have specific go-to people (usually 2-3 individuals) for each of my areas of lack that I have identified. For example, I have found some with the Discipline theme and some with the Responsibility theme to help me stay organized. I have found some with the Positivity theme and some with the Empathy theme to give me feedback on my abilities to encourage and care for others.

3. I also intentionally focus on building one attitude - cultivating thankfulness. As I choose to reflect and give thanks regularly, I am often required to focus on the things I have rather than those I lack. I have found that this attitude is an important aspect to developing a paradigm shift from the deficit thinking model to the Strengths-Based thinking model.

Concluding Note: As you ponder about the things I have said above, I will like to leave you with a challenge to focus on your CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) themes, one at a time. Give thanks for each of these themes that you have and ask yourself how you can aim it meaningfully in your professional and personal life.

Written by Victor Seet