Listening Through Our Mood
We don't listen with our ears alone. We listen through our mood and the stories our mood generates can completely distort what we actually hear. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet explains this overlooked dimension of listening and what it means for leaders and relationships.
Have you considered how the global shift to more virtual meetings has amplified the need to listen well? In an earlier article, I wrote about practicing a new way of being in this digital world - being a Listener. There is a growing need to be more self-aware. That is my assessment as an ontological coach.
Being more aware gives us a greater insight into the choices that we have. The awareness impacts the relational and leadership results we want in this digital world. This article is written based on this premise.
As human beings, we are always listening to emotions. Traditionally, listening is a lot about what others say or do not say and being attentive to how others might feel. To grow our listening, we focus on improving our listening skills to be more effective. These skills include summarizing what was said, maintaining eye contact, asking good questions, etc.
listening through our emotions
Are we aware that we are not only listening to emotions but also THROUGH your emotions? This is the distinction that I hope to offer. We are always listening THROUGH our emotions and mood. We are always in a mood. This mood is, however, invisible to many.
Think of a mood as an emotional habit you have picked up. Let me share an example. Every weekday morning, I wake up at 6 am. I get myself washed up, change and get ready for the day. At 630 am, I wake my three young kids up. I get them to wash up, change into their school uniforms and finish breakfast by 715am. By 715am, the school bus fetches my two younger kids while I walk my eldest to school. What is invisible to me is that each morning I practiced an emotional habit - a mood of resentment. I resent that I used a lot of energy to drag my kids out of bed. I resent that I have to nag at them to wash up and get changed. I resent that I have to rush them to finish breakfast so they will not be late for school. Once in a while, I snapped at them. While I usually feel bad, I often deal with my guilt by rationalizing that my kids are great at triggering all my wrong buttons. In short, I blame my kids (a behaviour strongly connected to the mood of resentment)
The epiphany - swimming in a mood of resentment
I had an epiphany when I learned through my ontological coaching course that we are always in a mood that is usually invisible. From 6-715am, I am in the same mood every weekday. I swim in a pool of resentment during this period. That was the emotional habit I have practiced every day. In this pool of resentment, there are lots of stories and assessments. Each action by my wife or kids triggers a particular kind of assessment. For example, when I see my kid struggling to get out of bed, imagery of a lazy, ill-disciplined kid forms in my head. With my resentment mood, my assessments are pre-disposed to be negative. I am pre-disposed during 6-715am to be an angry, impatient, anxious, irritated father and husband. In my mood of resentment, all I can hear are noises. If I want to be a loving husband and father, I will need a new emotional habit.
our mood pre-disposed us to listen in a particular way
Are we aware we are in a particular mood (or practiced emotional habit) at work? Are we aware that our mood can change when our boss speaks? Are we aware that our ability to trust others is dependent on our mood? Different kinds of stories and assessments are generated in our heads when we are in different moods. These stories strongly affect the way we listen to others. That affects our relational and leadership results.
Here are some questions to develop our leadership and listening competency:
Are we aware of our moods and emotions?
Are we owning and engaging our emotions to be better listeners?
Are we aware that we can shift our emotions to listen more effectively?
Pause for a moment:
What mood are you in as you are reading this article?
I propose that your mood and emotions affect what you are taking or not taking away from what you are reading.
As you are reading this article, you could be winding down from a long day and feeling relieved. You could be ready to start a brand new day and feel hopeful. You could be feeling curious and in a learning zone. You could be feeling bored. How you feel determines what you take away as you read this article.
Listening through our emotions starts with the practice of noticing how we are feeling. That involves checking in with ourselves using these simple questions:
What emotion or emotions am I having right now?
Why are these emotions there?
What are the emotions telling me?
If I am in a contrasting mood (name it), how will I be looking at things?
Ending note: When we practice noticing our emotions, we can learn to become better listeners. When we noticed that our mood does not align with the results we want to create, we can choose to change our mood. Learning to change our mood requires practice. It starts by noticing our mood when we are in different situations. For now, let us conclude that listening is an art.
Continue Reading — The Communication Series:
Want support developing your communication and leadership? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
13 Principles of Creative Leadership
Creative people often have the ideas but struggle with the influence. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet shares 13 principles that help creative individuals exercise real leadership, not by becoming someone they're not, but by leading from their natural strengths.
I have been pondering a lot recently about creativity and innovation. How can we differentiate creative individuals who are good and those who are great?
Perhaps one way of examining is to look at a person's Creative Leadership.
How do I define Creative Leadership? There are many who are creative but not every creative person possesses leadership qualities. Many creative people often face challenges of having their imaginative ideas knocked down by others. It is never easy to have people buying in to a fresh and innovative idea which is more likely than not, unproven. Many creative people give up when they face setbacks. Those with Creative Leadership do not. Those with Creative Leadership influence with their ideas. They find different ways to get others to buy into their innovations. They are highly resilient. They have guiding principles and beliefs that help them overcome challenges and drive innovation. When no one believes in their innovative ways and ideas, those with Creative Leadership have these guiding principles and beliefs as anchors that motivate them to stay on the cutting edge.
Can Creative Leadership be learned? I believe it can be.
I was inspired by some simple but powerful creative leadership principles from a book by the influential Paul Arden. That book got me to think about how people can grow their Creative Leadership by intentionally engaging different strengths in a connected fashion. In CliftonStrengths or StrengthsFinder lingo, the interaction between different strengths is called Theme Dynamics.
Inspired by the book, I connected 13 Creative Leadership principles I have learnt (over the years and through the book) to different CliftonStrengths Theme Dynamics, using the Ideation theme as an anchor. There is also an application question for each of the principles (I'm an Activator). While it is true that each of the 34 CliftonStrengths themes can be used to contribute in the area of creativity, I have chosen the Ideation theme as the anchor for an obvious reason - many people who are known to be creative and innovative have the CliftonStrengths Ideation theme in their top 5 or dominant CliftonStrengths themes. They are full of imagination.
How can those with Ideation grow in their Creative Leadership?
Principle 1: My vision is the greatest creative asset I have.
Ideation and Futuristic: As an Inventor and Creator, my vision is the greatest asset I have. I can dream about that one idea that can break new grounds. I can dream about the product or service I can create that will change the world. I can dream about the positive culture that I can create. The people who succeeded believe in a world that can be co-created. They believe in a world of possibilities when others do not dare to dream.
Application: What ideas can I act on now and what new ideas do I need to move towards my vision?
Principle 2: Aim for the unachievable!
Ideation and Achiever: As a creative individual, I need to aim beyond what I am capable of. I need to develop a complete disregard for where others say my abilities end. I need to develop great ideas and ways to do the things I feel I might be incapable of. It is no longer good enough to create better products or better processes. I need to be the disruptor of industries. Nothing is impossible.
Application: What is one achievement I deeply desire and how can I disrupt myself to achieve what might seem impossible?
Principle 3: My innovations are cutting edge.
Ideation and Self-Assurance: The fact is that the cleverest people in school are not necessarily those who achieve success in life. I can be confident of my creative abilities and the innovation I bring to any team. I am confident in taking risks. The creativity I possess can break through many boundaries and barriers. Entrepreneur or intrapreneur, I can be the Creative Pioneering Leader whose innovations will be cutting edge.
Application: What is one area that I can pioneer or a new ground I can break into using my innovative ideas?
Principle 4. Seek feedback (and embrace criticisms).
Ideation and Input: As a creative person seeking for excellence, I need to be open to feedback and criticism and having people tell me what's the problem. When I accept criticism, I am more likely to get improvements on my ideas. I am still in a position to reject the criticism if I think it's wrong. Creative Leaders exercise humility.
Application: Who can I get feedback from to grow and refine my ideas?
Principle 5: Take extreme ownership
Ideation and Responsibility: I must imagine I’m a Navy Seal. I'm fighting at the front line. There is no time to play the blame game. Whenever a problem arises, I must accept full responsibility even if I'm only partially involved. By doing this, I'm always in a position to do something to resolve any issues and I can make a positive difference. Creative Leaders must have extreme ownership.
Application: What issues do I need to start owning so that I can drive solutions and implement ideas?
Principle 6: Give away everything I know!
Ideation & Command: Many remarkable leaders are generous givers. On the contrary, there are leaders who hoard ideas and are fearful of their ideas being stolen. I cannot be a hoarder. The problem with hoarding is that I end up living off my reserves and soon I'll become stale. I must learn to give away my ideas! It takes courage to do that but eventually more will come back to me. Giving away forces me to look, to be aware, to replenish. Clarity comes from an uncluttered mind. Eventually, I will train myself to be sharper than those who simply take ideas from others.
Application: Who can I share my ideas with so that my innovations can reach more people?
Principle 7: Act on the opportunity you have now!
Ideation and Activator: I must make use of the opportunity I have now to contribute my creativity. The opportunity is right here. I don't need to look for the best one. I can make full use of the opportunities I have now and make the best I can towards contributing creatively. The results might not always be great but at least I will get the satisfaction of trying out my ideas. Over time, I will gain the experience of knowing what kind of opportunities I can grab and what kind of ideas I can easily implement to have quick wins. That will help me mature as a Creative Leader. Gaining a quick momentum is a critical way to pull apart from competition.
Application: What is one area of opportunity that I can see which allows me to use my creative ideas? Who can I offer my creativity to?
Principle 8: Don't take "NO" for an answer!
Ideation and Strategic: I need to keep pushing through for a YES. I need to find alternatives. I need to find a path that will bring a YES! I need to have a resilient mindset and keep exploring new grounds to advance forward. When people say it can't be done, I need to do it. If I don't do it, it doesn't exist. I will be known to be the kind of Creative Leader who creates a path towards success.
Application: What areas do I need to exercise my out-of-the-box thinking and strategies towards to get the results I want?
Principle 9: Failures can give birth to great ideas!
Ideation and Learner: I can learn a lot from my failures and I need to get used to not getting it right. To hone my creative skills is to pick myself up and to learn from every experience. I must intentionally learn from others as well. I can brainstorm better ideas because I grew smarter and wiser. Creative Leaders bounce back up to produce even greater innovations. I will be the Creative Leader who broke through because I never gave up learning.
Application: What is an area of learning that can propel me to be better at brainstorming ideas and create innovative solutions?
Principle 10: Don’t just give a speech. Put on a show!
Forget double shot. Strengths Mug makes your coffee strong!
Ideation and Communication: I must accentuate the positive. I can dramatize what is right. Wow a crowd and bring in the positive emotions. Exaggerate an action. Ideas are often captured by the fresh emotions presented in captivating ways and often through stories! I will be the Creative Marketing Leader who can sell ice to eskimos.
Application: What is one idea I can talk about and what stories can I tell to catch people’s attention and make it stick?
Principle 11: Work with the Best (even if they are weirdos)
Ideation and Maximizer: I need to work with the best creative people. Sometimes they might be difficult to work with but most of these people have excellent qualities that I can learn from. And the fact is, it's probably better than working with Mr Average Nice Guy. Iron sharpens iron.
Application: Who is one creative person I can reach out to have a brainstorming session?
Principle 12: Be a Legend!
Ideation and Significance: Most of us want to work for great companies and great teams. Start thinking and behaving like a winner. I need to stop expecting my managers to lead the way. They are too busy trying to run the company. I need to decide that I'm going to make the company great or at least make a difference. Many companies and great teams are usually built on one or two persons. I must be that person or one of them.
Application: How can I create a legacy in my company through my innovations? Where are the areas within the company that I can offer my creative energy to?
Principle 13: 'ASTONISH ME!’
Ideation and Individualization: Make people feel special! It is about the end user. It is about the individual. Products that are highly customized to fit the uniqueness of the human race catch the consumers by surprise.
Application: How can my ideas be so highly customized that they will have the WOW factor?
Concluding Thoughts: When we leverage our different strengths and engage them in a connected way intentionally, we produce a greater performance. Creative leaders do that regularly and produce consistent outstanding innovations. When they face setbacks, they overcome their challenges by intentionally engaging their different strengths.
"How can you intentionally engage your strengths to drive innovations today?"
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Dealing with Mental Health - are we listening?
Mental health conversations are increasing but are we actually listening? Singapore ontological coach Victor Seet shares why genuine listening may be one of the most important responses to the mental health challenges facing individuals, workplaces, and communities in Singapore today.
As Singaporeans, we have been grieving because of the death of a young boy and the nature of the event. I had a recent dialogue with my colleagues to discuss about mental and emotional health struggles. This article is written as a result of that dialogue as well as seeing more and more requests for ontological coaching. I have seen an increase in people asking for help to deal with a drop in work performance. Many of the underlying struggles are related to mental and emotional health challenges.
I will start off by sharing a few personal observations on why, as a society, we might be struggling to address mental and emotional health challenges. I will end by proposing an idea for you, as a reader, to consider.
Why we might be struggling to deal with mental health issues?
Five Observations:
1. We are asked to focus on “ME”.
It’s a strong habit we have built into our human system over centuries. It is plausible that the beginning of the IPhone generation played up the emphasis on the “I” and the “ME”. While this emphasis promotes personal agency, this emphasis also promotes loneliness, especially in times of pain. Ask around. How many of those who are suffering, struggle to ask for help?
Community building, team building, “WE”-building have all suffered in recent years because we are not encouraged to, not used to or asked to think beyond something greater, larger than the “I” and the “ME”. Support for people with mental and emotional health challenges are limited to the professionals rather than the surrounding community. We build systems, processes, apps to try to solve these issues but how are we building the community? The single most powerful asset to community building, team building and “WE”-building is the family unit. What is happening within a typical family unit in Singapore?
2. We are asked to ignore our emotions.
“Leave your emotions at the door” is a corporate culture many employees have experienced. A way to get a quick indication of your company’s culture is to answer this question with honesty: “How safe do you feel to let down your tears in front of your boss or colleagues?” Creating psychological safety in workplaces is seen as a big challenge whenever employees are not given permission to express their emotions.
3. We are asked to be efficient.
We want instant solutions. We want things fast and now. We want sound bites. Pain and grief, however, can be long drawn. Pain does not magically disappear overnight. Certainly, no one has found an “efficient” way to deal with pain. In Singapore, we are products of our system. As a nation, we are 56 years old at the time of this writing. We possibly need to build new skill sets to complement our efficiency.
4. We are asked to believe technology is the answer to everything in a digital world.
Artificial Intelligence is filling up our world very quickly. From customer service to phone applications to investments to learning solutions to driverless cars, we are experiencing a wave of digital transformation. The message perceived by the world is that technology will be the answer to all our productivity challenges. But try telling someone in pain to talk to AI or a robot. Tell these people they will feel better magically after downloading a special app and using it. For all the wonders of technology, there are certain challenges only humans can intervene. It is time to learn that mental and emotional health challenges are byproducts of a digital world. We have not focused on challenges only humans can intervene.
5. We are asked to pursue “happiness”.
“Be the best version of yourself. Be happy. Fulfill your potential.”
It is possible that this single-minded pursuit of happiness has crippled our ability to do sense making and to make meaning of pain. The pandemic has certainly created pain. The pandemic has also certainly helped people to see what true leadership looks like. We have greatly respected leaders who went through immense pain and sufferings yet lead courageously, with compassion and with empathy - “Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr etc”, just to name a few. I believe the capacity to make sense of pain and suffering is a pre-requisite to lead with courage, compassion and empathy. Those who truly lead courageously, with compassion and empathy shine in a digital world.
A new way of being - listening
Traditionally, society values certain ways of being - a communicator, a visionary, a strategist, an achiever, just to name a few. These ways of being embody certain habits, behaviors, mindsets and thinking patterns. For example, a person who embodies the way of an Achiever thinks about goals and tasks, develop habits of productivity and efficiency, works hard and in long spurts, sees success as achievements etc.
I am proposing a new way of BEING that we, especially those of us who are leaders, might want to consider growing into - BEING A LISTENER.
Being and growing as a listener is counter-intuitive in our current culture. Let’s correlate listening with the five points I have listed.
An effective listener has to be less “me”-centred and more “we”-centred.
An effective listener listens to the emotions and what is often unsaid.
An effective listener takes time to do the listening work. Efficiency does not exist in the space of listening.
An effective listener has to be a human being and has to connect emotionally. Listening cannot be done effectively by AI.
Last but not least, without listening, there is no sense-making in times of pain. Listening takes courage. Listening and compassion goes hand in hand. Listening conveys empathy.
Being a listener is more than the skills. It is a new way of being that requires practice and needs to be embodied. It’s like riding a bicycle. You practice till your body “gets it”. It is more than a mindset change. It is more than gaining knowledge. It involves becoming a new “You”.
Ending note: It’s human to be in pain. It’s human to want to feel cared for. It’s human to experience fear and anxiety. When we are in pain, we often want a listening ear. We want our pain and suffering to be validated. We don’t want to be fixed. I am no different. I get a sense that people with mental and emotional health challenges often feel lonely because society sees them as problems to be fixed rather than people to be loved. Listening is underrated. Perhaps it’s time for a change.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Listening is Harder than Hard
Do you struggle to be a good listener? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet shares about his journey of learning to listen and highlights the power of noticing to bring forth a real change.
“Harder than hard” - I borrowed this phrase used to describe the highest difficulty level found in some computer games. I chose this phrase to depict the journey that I have been taking in the domain of listening.
I’m a recovering advice-giving addict. Over the years, these are the feedback I have received: “Talk too much; dominate conversations; self-centered; impatient; too much advice; like to interrupt; opinionated; judgemental; want to have the last say”.
I’m a beginner at listening. I declared myself as a beginner the day I made a decision to re-orientate my life. I declared that not listening has caused me pain in too many areas of my life and I had enough. That was in the middle of 2019.
Before I declared this breakdown in my listening, I have read many articles, listened to many podcasts that described the importance of listening. The resources contained many tips and advice. I have tried to apply what I have learnt but I did not get the results I wanted. As I reflected back, learning listening skills without a mindset shift proved to be futile for me. When I declared my breakdown, it felt like an invisible wall had come down. I felt different. I felt a shift.
If powerful listening is at the “harder than hard” level, I’m happy to declare that I’m still at the “beginner” level. I hope I will continue to make progress. There is no shame in that. This article was written because I really wanted to capture my thoughts, record them down and reflect on what it feels like at the “beginner” level.
The very first thing that I had decided to do after declaring my breakdown was to start noticing my own impulses, instincts and my behavior while listening to others. This was the process of collecting data.
These were a few things I had observed.
I noticed that I have a great desire to make offers in almost every single conversation. I offer my stories. I offer my advice. I offer my perspectives. I offer my thoughts of the day. I offer my opinions on things. This impulse to offer was very strong. As I intentionally notice my behaviour and impulses, I found it amusing that I love to make offers. I want to state that I think there’s nothing wrong in wanting to make offers. Noticing this impulse created in me a curiosity about how this might affect my ability to listen..
I noticed I have a particular thinking pattern. I might have a belief that speaking was more valuable than listening. My instincts flushed out this belief. I pay lots of attention to how I speak, how I come across to others when I speak, how to tell stories that would capture attention etc. By contrast, there was little concern about how I come across as a listener. I feel anxious if I assess that I might struggle to speak well or speak clearly on what I hope to communicate. I feel frustrated when I messed up my speech. I feel delighted when I am able to persuade and convince others to buy in to my ideas and strategies. There was however no emotional connection to how I perform as a listener.
I noticed that I listen to speak up. I listen for the space to say something. I listen to respond and offer opinions on things I disagree with. I listen for opportunities to make offers (advice, perspectives, ideas etc). I listen to feel validated about my thoughts. In short, I listen for ME. Listening to care for someone is totally counter-intuitive for me.
I noticed that as I practice listening, the internal conversation (thoughts in my head) is usually louder than the external conversation taking place. It was something I know in the past but I had little awareness of the intensity. The realization that I was quite self-centered became more apparent. The conversation I instinctively focus on was usually the conversation with myself happening in the head.
I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default sitting posture. I was usually sitting in a more forward leaning position (as if I’m getting ready to pounce on any opportunity given). And I notice that when I form a thought in my head and have an advice or an offer I was ready to make, I lean forward even more. I notice my body is contracted when I listen. I have a tendency to fold my arms as well.
I noticed as I practice listening, I became more aware of my default listening filters. They were usually in certain categories and my CliftonStrengths (or Gallup StrengthsFinder) themes were very helpful to gave me clues. I had the “black or white” filters (Command theme), the “right or wrong” filter (Belief theme), the “efficiency” filter (Strategic theme) just to name a few. As I listen through these filters, my internal thoughts start to form opinions and judgements.
So what did I learn about noticing?
Noticing brought me clarity. The data points gathered were compelling. The more I saw “myself”, the more I could see the new habits and impulses I will need to develop in order to be a new person, a new kind of listener.
Noticing created some kind of latent energy within me. A quick Google search - “the latent internal energy of a system is defined as the internal energy a system requires to undergo a phase transition”. As I took greater notice of my own impulses and behaviours, I also felt a stronger and stronger desire to change. Noticing was producing in me a greater amount of inner strength to make a real change.
Noticing brought discomfort. I lost count of the number of times I felt discouraged and defeated (how come I am so bad at listening?). I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be kind to myself. I have practiced efficiency for a long period but change is slow and often uncomfortable. To be able to sit in discomfort is a capacity I needed to build to create sustainable change in my own life.
Ending note: Some might say noticing feels like inaction. For me, what I took away was that noticing prepared me deeply and powerfully towards the shift - a new kind of person that I say I want to become.
Continue Reading — The Communication Series:
Want support developing your communication and leadership? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Taking Ownership of Our Emotions
Have you felt defeated by your resentment, by your anger, by your anxiety and worries? In this article, Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet writes about his own painful realisation and what he now aspires to do - help others take ownership of their emotions.
I was asked recently: “If there is one thing I will want to teach my 3 kids now, what will it be?”
The first thing that came to my mind was to take ownership of our emotions. In simple terms, that means to regulate our emotions. My instinctive response came out of two incidents that happened recently. On one occasion, my eldest son who is turning nine, went into a fit of anger and could not control himself. He was breathing very fast and heavily and gritting his teeth very tightly. His body was very tensed up and he was shaking On another occasion, my younger son who was six, had the same behaviour when he threw a fit.
Why Ownership?
As I reflected about what happened to my children, I became aware that for a large part of my life (till I was 40?), I had no idea that I could take ownership of my emotions. I see emotions as something that “happened” to me. I certainly did not see emotions as something I could learn to regulate or manage. I was one of those who have been guilty of blaming others or circumstances for how I felt. I was one of those who played the victim card as a convenient way to manage the discomfort I was experiencing. I was one of those who hate to admit that I struggled to cope with failures and rejections. The result was that negative emotions usually get the better of me in these circumstances. I go through life believing that emotions are happening because of what others or circumstances are doing to me. I do not have a sense that I could own my emotions. I am easily resentful, easily angered and easily frustrated. I could not deal with my outbursts. Others around me suffered as a result. In a nutshell, I am used to giving power away rather than taking ownership of how I am feeling.
The point I’m making is that things outside of us (circumstances or people) can make us feel anything until we take control of our own emotions. What I have learnt is that the sufferings caused by our negative emotions can be greatly reduced. We can take back control of our emotions rather than give away power. In fact, it is possible to be masterful of our own emotional state with continuous practice of good habits. And the result can be a very different life we can live. Unfortunately, until we accept this truth, we will be victims. Victims of circumstances. Victims of what others are doing to us or saying to us. Taking ownership of our emotions is the pathway to stop being victims.
Taking ownership is a developmental step.
The important thing is to realize that a step has to be taken. I have observed as a life coach that this awareness does not come easily to many people. Like what I have mentioned earlier, emotions are often perceived as “what happens to us”. We can be unconscious of the idea that we can take control of our emotions. Often it takes a lot of pain and suffering for one to eventually declare “I have had enough. I want to get hold of my emotions. I want to change.” The most transformative moment starts to happen - when one realized that there is a step to be taken and something can be done. In ontological coaching, we call this a “break in transparency or a breakdown”. This break in transparency causes people to wonder “why are all the sufferings happening? And can we do something about the sufferings?”
It is possible for people to go through their lives without declaring any breakdowns. Without declaring breakdowns, we will not ask ourselves those questions that can potentially transform us. For me, those questions started to surface during my mid life crisis. What's going on? Why am I increasingly dissatisfied with life? What's the point of pushing so hard? Why am I more resentful? Why do I react more in anger or impatience? Why am I languishing? Is this just who I am or is there something I can do to change? I thought I was doing all the things that I really ought to be doing, but I'm still suffering in some way. Why?
I invite you to reflect: “Could you identify with some of my thoughts? Were they familiar to you? In your pain and suffering, do you feel lost? Do you look for somebody to blame?”
It's my boss’ fault. It’s this particular colleague. It’s my spouse. It’s the pandemic. It’s the government.
The key question we need to be concerned about: “Are others doing this to us or do we have the power to change our emotional state?” There’s a real trap that exists. If we put the blame on somewhere else, we are victims and the power over our lives lie with someone else. We have no control when we give power away.
We do not have to deny how we feel.
If we interpret that others are behaving badly, our emotions will be affected by our thoughts. Our emotions are real. No one likes to be bullied, or retrenched or criticized etc. Yet, there is a truth that we can grasp. The truth is that we have control over our own body, emotions and thoughts. If we can simply accept this truth, our lives will change. We have the power to take ownership when we feel that the emotions are bringing us pain. We do not need to give the power away.
Taking back ownership is the point where our lives can be transformed. When we start to take back ownership, we move from ignorance into those periods of suffering or painful moments and we can start to learn about ourselves. We can learn how we respond. We can learn how to make meaning of the sufferings. We can learn what the emotions are doing to us and if those emotions are serving us. We can learn how we can overcome the effects of the negative emotions and how we can adapt. The essence is that we don't have to let emotions get the better of us. Misery is optional. We don't have to do resentment or anxiety or fear over and over again. We do not have to remain powerless.
It’s ownership that makes the difference.
We can all engage productively with our emotions. We can take responsibility and learn to control how we respond rather than react. We can step out of victimhood. We can step out of the space that says “I’m an impatient person, I’m an angry person, I’m resentful or I’m easily anxious”.
We can practice new habits of becoming. We can become kind. We can become patient. We can become compassionate. We can become stronger in our inner capacity. When we take ownership of our emotions, our lives will grow tremendously. The lives of others around us will be impacted tremendously.
Back to the story of my boys.
On each occasion, I brought my angry son into a room first. I assured him that being angry and upset is normal and taking responsibility of his emotions is very important as well. I demonstrated how he can calm down by breathing in and out very slowly and in a rhythm. I get him to practice and gave him space to do that by leaving the room. Now, both my sons understood how they can calm down. I have seen them doing that on other occasions and they are starting to practice emotional regulation. They might not understand the idea of taking ownership yet but I believe the regular practice will help them grow and develop.
Continue Reading:
Ready to shift the emotional patterns holding you back? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Working with Emotions in Coaching
Many might think working with emotions belong to the work of counsellors and therapists. Working with emotions in coaching might sound strange for some. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet writes about why and how can a coach work with clients in the areas of their emotions.
As an ontological coach, I love working with my clients on their moods and emotions. That wasn’t always the case when I started out as a coach. I needed to learn how to work with my own emotions and be comfortable with them.
There are probably different ways you can define emotions if you plough through books, research work, online articles. This article isn’t about defining what emotions are. Rather, this article is written to share coaching distinctions and how you (regardless of whether you are a coach) can work with others about their emotions.
The three coaching distinctions I hope to share about emotions are feeling, expressing and naming.
1.What is feeling an emotion and how does this help a client?
Feeling an emotion helps us understand and distinguish what is happening on the inside of us. In simple terms, when we “feel” an emotion, we receive a message from our body and brain. Feeling an emotion allows us to notice that an emotion exists within and it is “messaging” us. Feeling and noticing our emotions therefore is the first step to be conscious and be aware there is something in the background that affects our thoughts, decisions and ultimately our quality of life. Feeling an emotion can be physiological in many ways. You will have heard terms like butterflies in the stomach, the nausea of disgust, the heaviness of sadness, the fast pounding heartbeat of terror and horror, the flushed cheeks of embarrassment and the lightness of joy. It is worthwhile noting that we cannot change what we don’t notice. Denying or avoiding feelings doesn’t make the emotions go away.
A coach might ask:
How are you feeling right now as we are talking?
When you feel this way, what facial expression do you notice you have?
What are some things you notice about your body in terms of tension, lightness, pain, heat, tightness etc?When you feel this way, what are your internal narratives or hidden thoughts?
2. What is expressing an emotion and how does this help us?
Expressing an emotion helps us to communicate to others and letting others know the state we are in. Examples of expressing our emotion include letting the tears flow, gritting our teeth, literally laughing out loud etc. By expressing our emotions, we can better manage even the most difficult of emotions. That helps us to receive support, relieve stress and deepen our emotional intimacy with others. I will add that expressing our emotions at the right time and to the right people does require wisdom (we shall not discuss this here). It is also often said that the most common unexpressed emotions in the workplace revolve around suffering.
A coach might ask:
How much freedom do you give yourself in expressing your emotions?
Whom do you usually express your emotions to?
Are there certain emotions you will not express? Why?
What might stop you from expressing your emotions?
3. What is naming an emotion and how does this help us?
Naming help us to identify what we are feeling and allow us to make choices about what to do with them. Being able to name or label our emotions can have the effect of lessening the burden or reducing the hold that the emotion has on us. There is a distance that is created once we can name the specific emotion. An individual can now separate the emotion from the person and identify the emotion as “it”. When we put feelings into words, we are essentially hitting the brakes on our emotional responses. This ability to create a distance then empowers us to choose how to respond rather than react. In my own research as a coach, I found that there are studies that show that people who could name or label their emotions could perform better than those who could not name their emotions.
A coach might ask:
What adjectives come to mind if you are to describe how you feel?
Are there any picture, analogy, metaphor, cartoon character or story that might be helpful to describe your emotion?
What will be an emoticon that you will choose to represent how you feel?
Conclusion: You might be curious: Why does a coach (like myself) explore with clients about their emotions?
Our emotional state profoundly influences our well-being and performances at work. It can be very helpful to view emotions as tools in our toolbox. Emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, resentment aren’t necessarily bad. They can actually produce positive results when we know how to direct them. For example, fear is the emotion that helps us drive safely on the road (though this is so obvious that we miss it).
Emotions can be dangerous when we have little awareness of what these emotions are doing and how they can become destructive. By helping a client learn now they feel, express and name emotions, a coach is effectively helping a client take responsibility and ownership for these emotions. This process empowers a client to make decisions to improve their well-being and performance. This is why I love coaching. #justsaying
Continue Reading — The Ontological Coaching Series:
Interested in experiencing ontological coaching firsthand? Explore 1-1 coaching with Victor here.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Family Conversations
Do you desire for a deep and open conversations with your loved ones at home? Imagine a rich conversation taking place in the family about what each other is doing right? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, interviewed a family of five who experienced the transforming power of a coaching conversation over their CliftonStrengths results.
It has been known that one of the key benefits of using the Gallup CliftonStrengths tool is that of enhancing relationships. Backed by 50 years of research, CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) provides a science to why people intuitively behave in a certain way - it is discovered that the motivation behind human behaviour can be greatly attributed to a person's unique talents. The CliftonStrengths tool measures the presence of talents in each individual and empowers people to understand themselves and grow in self-awareness.
As a coach, I intentionally employ the CliftonStrengths tool for organizations, schools as well as for families and individuals. Using a guided approach, I facilitate strengths-based conversations to co-create rich and fruitful dialogues, which are often missed out in the hurriedness of work and life. After going through a session of Strengths-Based coaching, the Lo family from Singapore kindly agreed to do an interview and share their individual experiences of the family coaching session.
A short introduction of the Lo Family: James, father of the household, is a Singaporean businessman while Ai Ling, mother, is a homemaker who has recently completed a post-graduate course in Counselling. The eldest sibling, Samantha, works as a manager while the middle child in the family, Chrystella (known affectionately by all of them as La), works as a counsellor. Youngest of the siblings, Jonathan, is looking to complete his degree in business, studying in Singapore. The Lo family hopes that through this short interview, more families in Singapore as well as across the globe will be encouraged to understand each member's unique talents and experience a breakthrough in their relationships.
1) HOW DID THE SESSION HELP YOU TO KNOW YOUR FAMILY BETTER?
James: I now learnt why Ai Ling is so insistent to do things or house work her ways. It’s attributed to her lenses and it’s helpful to understand her top 5. I also never knew that Jonathan has such a strong connection with his Harmony and Relator theme. I now know that his ability to form solid, mutually rewarding relationships is very important to him. I also learnt more about my 2 daughters: Sam is a very private person and that comes from her Deliberative theme. La will stop engaging during family discussions whenever she completed her own analysis of the issue at hand. That comes from her Analytical theme.
AL: I now understand why there are times that Jon and La "switched off" during family conversations. For Jon who has Harmony, I did not know previously that he does not really enjoy listening to lengthy debates and discussions and prefer discussing what we can do as a family together. For La, her Analytical enjoys analyzing different points of views and she is good at that. When there isn't any data to analyze, she switched off during the conversations. I also now understand why my husband with his Restorative theme often prescribes solutions that I don't feel I needed. Understanding that allows me to now be more patient.
La: For me, the session was helpful to provide a platform where family members could reflect on and share their views on how they respond & behave with the family, and why. The session also provided a platform for us to give feedback to each other and discuss ways to support each other better in our interactions. Example for me was when we discussed why my brother would at times zone out during family discussions, and how we can involve him more productively.
Sam: The session helped me to reframe my family's idiosyncrasies as needs behind their talent themes. For example: Mom's impatience as a need for something to be done, and be done quickly. That is her Activator’s need. For La, her Analytical theme requires her to be mentally engaged. If she’s not, she tends to switch off during family discussions.
Jon: The session helped me to put into words the behaviours of my family members and to understand their personalities better. For example I didn't know why sometimes La seems uninterested. I used to think maybe she was just in a bad mood but now I know it’s because of her Analytical theme.
READ: Using CliftonStrengths for Relationships - Strengthening Marriages
2) WHAT WAS SOMETHING THAT STOOD OUT FOR YOU DURING THE SESSION?
James: I find it extremely helpful to do this exercise and to understand each other viewpoints. The session which was facilitated by an experienced coach, definitely help to open each other up and create the openness and ability to talk freely.
AL: Our talents need to be moderated to bring out the strengths of the other person so that it is beneficial to all in the family otherwise love becomes loath.
Sam: Talking about how we experience our talents and how those talents sometimes may drive other family members crazy. The conversation made me realized the efforts that each member of my family has made to put aside their preferences to show love to the family. I realized that when I look back at the individuals we were years ago, we have come some way in trying to "tame" our parts of our talents that annoy each other. Also, another thing that stood out was that everyone was trying to understand each other. There was the connecting of the dots - we were piecing together what we have observed of one another, with the new StrengthsFinder language we now have learned to describe each other.
La: What stood out to me was the insights between specific family member interactions, and certain patterns that I have observed in our family. Light was shed on the reason for some of these observations.
Jon: What stood out to me through the conversation was how my family, especially my parents, actually observes a lot about each other. I didn't know that they as well as myself actually notice so much.
3) WHAT WAS ONE PRACTICAL APPLICATION YOU TOOK AWAY FROM THE SESSION?
James: For me, I will now refrain from providing solutions to any challenges my family members may have. I now realized that was from my Restorative theme. I will instead do my best to direct them and let them discover their own solutions instead of me quickly providing solutions to their challenges.
AL: I feel that I will not insist that things be done my way and get annoyed when certain things did not happen. Instead I will clarify my needs as well as ask my family members for their rationale behind what they do or don't do.
Sam: I now have gained practical ways to engage La and Jon in our family conversations when they seem to switch off. Also, I’ve learnt that to use the CliftonStrengths language of another person's talents can be powerful in order to better communicate with them.
La: I think I can be more communicative to help my family with other types of talents. Eg. My sister's Responsibility theme and my mother's Activator. I need to communicate that I will do the tasks they have asked me to do and as much as possible to give a timeline. In that way, they will not feel I'm irresponsible or slow.
Jon: For me, I have learnt the importance of the need to understand how my family functions in order to show and appreciate their love in a greater measure.
Ending Thoughts: Every family unit, whether in Singapore or beyond, desires to grow in intimacy and love for one another. Using the CliftonStrengths tool, having Strengths-Based conversations allow family units to go deeper into understanding each person's unique perspectives and further build on the foundation of mutual respect. It is proven that just by having that deeper understanding of each other's perspectives alone can empower an individual to become more patient with family members. We believe that all families should consider using this tool to enhance and develop rich conversations.
Continue Reading — The Relationships Series:
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
First published in 2016.
Updated in 2021.
Why Complementary Partnerships in Marriage Are Not Enough
Experiencing tension in your partnership with someone? Wondering what started out as a great partnership has now caused some anxiety? Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, writes about navigating polarities using the specific example of complementary partnerships.
Extreme cold burns. When we hold an ice cube tightly in our hand, we can feel the burning effect on our skin. This picture illustrates the danger of being overly biased towards a particular viewpoint, to the extent of ignoring other perspectives. That was the pain I faced for oversubscribing to the idea of complementary partnership. Through the therapy sessions I attended together with my wife, I also gained awareness that there was another side of the coin. The therapist named the two sides: "Complementary and Reciprocity".
As an ontological coach and CliftonStrengths practitioner working with couples and teams in Singapore, I've seen this tension play out repeatedly, and it is one of the most important things I help couples navigate.
Complementary and Reciprocity Polarity
Around the same time, I went through a course called "Polarity Thinking". What are polarities, you might ask? Polarities are inter-dependent and seemingly opposite choices or actions. One simple example of a polarity is inhaling and exhaling. Putting two and two together, I reflected and realized that Complementary and Reciprocity is a polarity. This article is about my assessment of this polarity and the learnings I have gained from trying to deal more effectively with the tension presented.
Let me first describe what happened before I share my personal assessment of how I understood this polarity.
Complementary Dynamic
My marriage partnership works in a particular way. My wife and I have our own assessment of each other's strengths and we tend to negotiate the tasks we have to do through these lens. These tasks can range from putting the kids to bed to bathing the kids to buying groceries and ensuring the kids have done their homework. The ownership of these some of the tasks are negotiated and agreed upon verbally. Sometimes, certain tasks are initiated by one party (usually the one who is stronger in that area) who identifies the need to step up and complete the task. Usually, the one who initiates the task will also end up being responsible for the task if it recurs over time. This is an unspoken expectation in our partnership.
What I just described is a complementary partnership, and it is deeply connected to the CliftonStrengths philosophy. CliftonStrengths is built on the belief that people perform best when they operate from their natural talents rather than trying to fix their weaknesses. When couples apply this to their relationship, they naturally divide responsibilities according to who is stronger in each area. It is a strengths-based approach, and it works — up to a point. The limitation is that life is not static. Seasons change, stress increases, and a purely complementary approach can leave both partners feeling unseen and unsupported.
The Tension
This approach seemed great initially because it produced results. However, there was an increasing number of conflicts in our marriage which also seemed to suggest that not all was well. Over the course of time, because of different levels of stress that resulted from the work front, we both began to feel the burden of managing our home. Our family size had also grown and there were a greater number of shared responsibilities. There were days when the resulting stress from work and from home caused either one of us to feel a huge level of burden. On such days, there was a deep desire of wanting the other person to understand the challenges faced and the sacrifices endured to carry out and complete the responsibilities at home.
Such a desire, however, did not align with the complementary mindset (where individuals are responsible for their own tasks and had little understanding and possibly empathy about the challenges and stress that came from tasks that belonged to other parties). The resulting anxiety from the increased stress usually bubbled over into conflicts. New narratives started to develop in our minds: "Why are you not helping me? Why do you leave me to fend for myself? I feel very lonely in this journey."
Sometimes, the other party tries to help. However, since he/she is not good at the task, the results unfortunately are usually compromised. This is expected since the person handling the task lacks competency and experience. In this scenario, another kind of conflict happens as a result:
Person A: "You seemed to be causing more harm than good. I'm now more stressed than before you took over the tasks. In future, I will be better off doing these tasks myself."
Person B: "I'm trying my best to help you with these tasks so that your stress can be reduced. I'm learning to do these things that I am greatly lacking in skills and experience. I have no intention to cause any trouble. Why can't you see that I'm trying my best effort to care for you?"
From a sense of helplessness, the emotion soon became one of frustration and anger. Over time, it became a sense of resignation. These emotions were very real and were felt deeply by both of us.
The Reciprocity Dynamic
The above narrative shows that we attempted to shift (albeit compelled by circumstances) towards the reciprocity dynamic from the complementary dynamic. The reciprocity dynamic (in my assessment) adopts a different kind of mindset: individuals should be well-rounded and have the ability to learn and execute any task. Tasks are mutually inter-changeable. Individuals are seen more as generalists. This dynamic usually empowers individuals to switch roles easily and create the ability to empathize with each other's challenges. In our case, reciprocity means the ability to take on and execute the tasks that usually the spouse is responsible for and meeting the required expectations. Because of our biases toward the complementary dynamic, you can imagine the struggle for us to adapt to the reciprocity dynamic.
Navigating Polarities
The navigation of polarities first starts by acknowledging that the two seemingly opposite ends are quite inter-dependent. In life, because of the different seasons brought about by external changes (such as having a newborn, changing of jobs etc), there is usually a cyclical flow from one end to the other and back. A bias toward one side naturally means there is a resistance when there is a need to shift. The pain and grief produced is often a result of the resistance.
How can we navigate polarities effectively?
We need to be aware of the specific polarity and understand the benefits brought about by both perspectives. Naming the polarity is therefore critical. The therapy session gave this polarity a name and helped my wife and I to gain awareness. From the awareness, we now understand the reciprocity dynamic and the key benefits from operating from that approach when necessary.
There is a need to move past an "either/or" understanding and create a space in which "both/and" thinking can be applied. This is the management of polarities. In my personal context, this is about creating a space where both complementary and reciprocity can be applied to my marriage.
We needed to be intentional in creating opportunities to recreate the cyclical flow (with smaller stakes and therefore less risky implementation). Let me give you an example:
Imagine that my wife plans a short 3 days 2 nights getaway for herself. This vacation can actually become a way to execute a short and manageable shift towards the reciprocity dynamic in our marriage. One of the things I can do is to work out ways in which I can take on her responsibilities while she is away. I can try to do this in advance, rather than trying to find external help in order to outsource all her responsibilities. I can also sit down with her and understand what needs to happen, observe her carry out the tasks and learn from her. Concurrently, she can also learn to impart what she is naturally good at, which would allow me to learn on-the-job and gain experience in fulfilling the task well. If the focus is on imparting for her and learning for me, the result of the task is secondary and less stressful. Both actions by each of us produce a manageable and temporary adoption of the reciprocity dynamic. Eventually, the vacation will come to an end and the flow from reciprocity will shift back towards the complementary. However, the result of such a process is that both parties would have increased their capacity (or range) to navigate this polarity more effectively.
Conclusion:
Navigating the tension between complementary and reciprocity is not about choosing one over the other. It is about developing the range to move between them as the season requires. The couples and teams that do this well are not the ones with the most compatible strengths — they are the ones with the most self-awareness and the willingness to grow beyond their natural preferences.
If you and your partner are navigating this tension in your relationship, I invite you to explore how CliftonStrengths couples coaching can help.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.
A Manager’s Guide: Using CliftonStrengths (StrengthsFinder) in Personal Development
Gallup reports in its research that a manager plays a huge part in determining if an employee will be engaged at work. Singapore Ontological and CliftonStrengths coach Victor Seet, shares how he uses his CliftonStrengths results to grow himself as a manager.
In 2016, Gallup scientists found that managers account for at least 70% of the variance in employee engagement across business units. This simply means that managers have a lot of influence on an employee’s performance and engagement level. Gallup also reports that strengths-based interventions can result in a 9-15% increase in employee engagement.
In short: empowering managers to focus on their strengths and the strengths of their teams is key in increasing employee engagement.
As a Gallup-Certified CliftonStrengths Coach and manager myself, this is my mandate. I need to:
(1) know and understand my own dominant CliftonStrengths themes,
(2) have ownership of them, and
(3) intentionally aim my strengths towards my goals as a manager.
My leadership belief is to lead by example, and I strongly believe that all influence flows first out of our own personal growth and transformation. I know I’ve made an impact when the team members around me are influenced by the way I choose to lead. This article was written to share about part of the personal journey I have taken to grow myself as a Strengths-Based Manager.
How can a manager use CliftonStrengths (formerly StrengthsFinder) to develop himself?
Step One: Understand Your Dominant Themes as a Manager
I started digging into all the resources I could get my hands on to learn more about my dominant CliftonStrengths themes. I did what the Gallup Strengths Action Report advised me to do: I took a pen and underlined everything that resonated with me in the reports. I watched all the different videos I could find to get a greater understanding of my talent themes. I also scoured the Internet for articles that I felt would aid me in my understanding.
But I have to admit: that whole process was somewhat tedious and challenging for me. Resources were scarce back then. This experience led me to create a bank of resources for managers like myself, who desire to learn and understand more. My hope is that these resources will accelerate the learning process for others.
@@The first step to understanding our talents themes is to reflect on our behaviors, habits and past experiences.@@
For example:
Activator: I realized my Activator gives me the desire to always be on the move and to do things fast. Because of this need for speed and sense of urgency, I am easily upset when my family takes their own sweet time to get ready whenever we’re going for a family outing. I also realized that I enjoy going on drives with my two sons. One of my favorite ways to spend some quality time with them is to take them on bus and train rides, even if there’s no particular destination we have in mind.
Communication: I realized that I am a lot more productive when I can air out my thought processes and share them with others. The process of sharing my ideas sharpens my thoughts. I have often improved on many of my ideas in the midst of sharing them with others (without them giving any input). I now understand how verbal processing works in reality!
Maximizer: I realized that I really struggle a lot when I’m tasked to create something from scratch. That’s because of my Maximizer theme. In contrast, I’m extremely efficient when I’m given a template or something to work with: I can turn the existing materials into a brilliant piece of work.
Strategic: I realized that I inherently enjoy options. I intuitively look for other alternatives and I often refrain from making any decisions when I do not have any alternatives to make comparisons. I enjoy browsing many different websites to compare prices while doing online shopping. I’ll also walk around an entire shopping mall looking for good eateries and comparing options when I’m deciding on where to have a meal.
@@To connect our CliftonStrengths themes to our past experiences is to bring the knowledge from our heads into our hearts.@@ As I reflect on my own life more and more, I begin the journey of claiming and owning my dominant themes in greater measure.
Action Step: Can you connect your CliftonStrengths talent themes to your past experiences, patterns of thought, or habits? Try doing this for each of your top 5 talent themes.
Step Two: Own Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes As a Manager
Taking complete ownership of your CliftonStrengths themes is by no means an easy feat. Ownership comes when we start to accept and view our CliftonStrengths lenses in a positive way. @@Ownership drives us to action.@@ If we dislike our CliftonStrengths themes or are skeptical about them, we won’t be able to aim them toward specific goals we have our work and personal lives.
I’d like to recommend one step that I have personally found helpful in building greater ownership of my strengths: @@Link your CliftonStrengths themes to an identity that you could assume at work.@@
For example, as a person with Activator as my number one CliftonStrengths theme, I see myself as a “Catalyst”. As I read the description of the Activator theme, this idea stands out for me and I know I enjoy working on great ideas by kicking-off projects.
For example, one of the projects I started at work was the Strengths workshops for Couples. The idea came out of a brainstorming session. In my mind, the workshop would be short so as to cater to busy couples in Singapore. Since I had personally experienced a powerful transformation in my own marriage in employing the CliftonStrengths tool, I thought this idea was brilliant. So after the brainstorming session, I immediately set a date for the workshop to happen, booked a venue, and within a month, the first Strengths couple workshop was birthed. It went very well and we have been running these workshops regularly ever since.
Being a Catalyst is an identity that I took ownership of, not just in my professional life but also in my personal life. In church, I saw the benefits of joining a men’s group for mentorship and accountability. Immediately, I rang up a couple of close male friends and we joined the men’s retreat and got connected to other men in church. That allowed us a place to share our career journeys and individual struggles. The support we received was helpful and immediately felt.
This identity of a Catalyst helps me to own my CliftonStrengths Activator theme in a greater measure.
I have also observed how my other colleagues took on different identities that helped them to own certain kinds of work tasks, which in turn helped the team become more productive. When I was leading the team in Strengths School, we have a Creative Designer (Ideation), Researcher (Input), Fashion Consultant (Individualization), Data Analyst (Analytical), Welfare IC (Developer), and so on.
Action Step: Based on your CliftonStrengths themes, what identity can you assume and build greater ownership of in your work role as a Manager?
Step Three: Aim Your Dominant CliftonStrengths Themes as a Manager
Aiming our CliftonStrengths themes consists of two aspects. The first is understanding the negative impact that our strengths can have on our team members at work. The other is about intentionally connecting our dominant themes with specific, actionable goals tied to broader work outcomes.
Aspect 1: Understanding Our Impact on Others as Managers
As I reflected on the way I’ve led my team in the past, I had a realization: We see the world through our CliftonStrengths lenses. As a manager, I’ve learned that:
I must be aware of the areas I tend to impose my thoughts and decisions on my team. For example, I have a tendency to drive the team to act quickly because I believe that business opportunities are lost when one fails to move quickly. This is linked to my Activator lens. Knowing this at the back of my head empowers me to be patient with others in the team who prefer to think through risks and challenges (such as the Deliberative or Intellection themes). This knowledge pushes me to look for common ground rather than imposing my beliefs on them.
I must be aware of what my natural behaviors are, particularly in times of stress. For example, as someone with Activator, Communication and Command, I know I am prone to immediately responding with raw and emotionally-charged words, usually without thinking. This is especially so when I perceive some kind of aggression coming from another person. Being aware of this tendency empowers me to do two things: firstly, I now have a greater ability to catch myself exhibiting this behavior, especially when I notice the body language and response of my colleagues. This allows me to effectively reduce the damage done as a manager by quickly pulling back this destructive behavior. Secondly, I am now able to explain my tendencies to my team and colleagues and empower them to help me. They know that they can call for a time-out when they sense that the discussion has reached an agitated state. They can also find different ways to calm me down and find out why I feel agitated.
I must be aware of my leadership style and how that relates to my strengths. For example, I am a high risk-taker and I have the propensity to take on projects that bring the team into unchartered territory. Understandably, that often causes a lot of stress on the team. This tendency comes from my Self-Assurance theme. Knowing this helps me to make more effort in explaining the background and reasons on embarking on specific projects as well as hearing the feedback from the team.
Aspect 2: Connecting Our Strengths towards Goals
Aiming our strengths is about intentionally connecting our CliftonStrengths themes with specific, actionable goals tied to work outcomes. Employing the use of SMART goals in aiming our strengths is highly recommended. Careful consideration has to be given when setting these goals. Personal discipline also has to be exercised to stay focused on working out these actionable goals. This is where accountability partners can be of great help. We need reminders and help to stay on track.
Some personal examples of goals I’ve set in the past:
Activator: As a Business development person, my goal was to connect with 50 new organizations within a year and convert 20% of them into clients
Communication: As a Strengths Coach and advocate, share with and influence 2000 people in Singapore and Asia to do the CliftonStrengths profiling assessment within a year
Strategic: As a business owner, get recurring business from 80% of our existing clients within a year
Self-Assurance: As a CliftonStrengths Coach, facilitate one CliftonStrengths workshop in a language other than English, and do it proficiently within a year (I measured this by making sure I scored at least 4 out of 5 in my overall trainer evaluation)
Command: As a leader, do a check-in with each staff on a monthly basis and make sure each person gets clear of “what’s expected of them at work” so that they can deliver the results.
A word of caution here: Ever since I started to aim my strengths towards my work goals, I have faced certain resistance. Some of these challenges were external. For example, a sudden surge in urgent matters demanding my attention. Other times, the challenges were internal. The resistance comes from a sense of fear and doubt in my personal ability (which can be completely irrational in nature). Sometimes, the fear can push me towards shifting the goalpost. Working on our strengths is not as easy as some might imagine to be but it will be rewarding!
Concluding Thoughts: When I made a decision to focus on being Strengths-based, I intentionally share with my team about how I use my CliftonStrengths themes at work. I share about the things that make me tick as a manager and how that relates to my talent themes. I share about my decision-making processes and how my different talent themes inform my decisions. I share my personal reflections on what I feel about my strengths and how I can develop myself. I conduct debriefs to get feedback on how my talent themes value-add to the different projects. I try to get 360-degree feedback to understand which of my strengths hinder me in being a successful manager. I believe firmly that our daily actions, conversations, and lifestyle must show others that we are Strengths-Based Managers.
Written by Victor Seet
Activator • Communication • Strategic • Self-Assurance • Command
As a Gallup and Newfield Certified Leadership Coach in Singapore, Victor is passionate about helping people be better observer of themselves to achieve the results they want, especially in the area of well-being and performance. Victor intentionally integrates the strengths-based and ontological approach into his leadership coaching and workshops.